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Tim Bradford was unsure where to go and what to do with his day off. Somehow, he ended up back at Dr. Blair London’s office, but no one was in. He checked his watch, and it was 6AM. Still, he walked into the LAPD staff psychiatrists’ office waiting room and lowered himself into a chair for a while, though based on how time was moving, he was unaware of how long he had been there until a voice broke through.
“Do you have an appointment?” Dr. Altman asked.
“W-what? N-no,” Tim answered and sat up straighter.
“Then what brings you by?”
“I…I don’t really know.”
Dr. Altman gave him a sympathetic smile. “Maybe I can help.”
“Not sure anyone can help me.”
“I don’t believe that’s true. Why don’t you come in my office?”
“Normally, I talk to Dr. London.” Though the other psychiatrist had a warm smile and welcoming demeanor, he wanted to remain loyal to the specialist he had been seeing.
“I’m sure she won’t mind me pinch hitting for a session.”
His lips pulled into the slightest bit of a smirk, which was a first in days. “You like baseball?”
“Not really, but you look like the kind of guy that does.” She jerked her head in the direction of the door to her office. “Come on. I’ve got an hour before my first client of the day comes in.”
“Why are you here so early?” He inquired as he rose to his feet.
“Paperwork, but it can wait.” She opened her office door and welcomed him inside. “Have a seat.”
He settled onto the soft leather couch rather easily, realizing he was exhausted. He scrubbed at his face and sighed.
“Let’s start with your name,” the therapist prompted.
“I’m Tim. Tim Bradford.”
“Nice to meet you, Tim. I’m Dr. Altman. Dr. London is one of my colleagues here.”
“How long have you been a shrink for cops?” She only looked to be a few years older than him but had dark grey eyes that conveyed more wisdom than her age would allow.
“A few years. I worked as a cop for a while after serving my country for two tours. I decided to change careers maybe a little later in life then you’re supposed to, but I wanted to help people in a different way, so I went back to school, and now I’m a ‘shrink for cops’ as you so aptly put it.”
“I served, too.”
“Not surprised. You seem like the type. No offense.”
“None taken.”
“So is that what you came to talk about? Your time serving?”
“No, nothing like that…I don’t even know why I came or what I want to talk about.”
“Clearly, something’s on your mind. What’s the first thing that pops into your head?”
He scratched behind his ear as he pondered the question, though he did not want to think too hard about it. “Uh, well…” He blew out a breath. “I have a ring in my sock drawer. It-it’s an engagement ring. It’s not anything big or flashy, but it’s perfect for Lucy. The moment I saw it, I knew it would look right on her finger, and I bought it right on the spot. I really only thought about browsing and starting to think about engagement rings, which…it was a little a fast, I guess. I bought it after our first date. Well, Lucy will tell you it was our second date, but it was really a redo of our first date. I got off shift the next day, and she told me to drive around and wait a bit for her to talk to her roommate before I could pick her up, so I drove around, and this jewelry store was right there. I walked in, I saw it, and I knew I wanted to give it to her.” His mouth curled upwards and his chest warmed at the thought.
“How romantic,” she replied.
“I’m not a romantic guy or a-an impulse guy, but this was a long time coming, I guess. I bought that ring then picked her up with the darn thing in the glovebox of my truck, and I thought about giving it to her right then.”
“Was there a particular reason?”
“She smiled at me.” He grinned easily as he thought back to that night. “And then, she kissed me. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she just wanted to be with me, and that’s all I wanted, too.”
“Do you still want that? To be with her?”
“Of course. I love her.”
“That’s good that you have someone you love in your life.”
“Well…I broke up with her two weeks, or wait, it was three weeks ago. I’m getting all mixed up. I haven’t slept much since.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Difficulty sleeping usually means something’s on your mind. Do you think the breakup is bothering you?”
“Of course. I didn’t want to do it.”
“Then, why did you?”
“I-I had to.”
“You were forced to break up with her?”
“Sorta…she-she’s Lucy, okay?” He heard how his voice softened when saying her name. “She isn’t perfect, but she’s pretty damn close. She’s smart, and funny, and strong, and driven, and kind, and sexy, and beautiful, and-and she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known.” He swallowed “Something happened recently, and it reminded me that I’m not good enough for her. I don’t deserve her.”
“Why do you think you don’t deserve her?”
“My dad beat that particular lesson into me enough times that I believe it,” he said honestly with a wry smile.
“Did Lucy say you aren’t good enough for her?”
“She would never say something like that.”
“Because she doesn’t believe it?”
“She…the way she sees me…I wish I was that guy, but I’m not. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I never should’ve bought her that ring. I never should’ve let myself think it could get that far. She couldn’t love me like that. I’m not the guy that someone wants to stick around for.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“My first wife, Isabel, left me in the middle of the night, and I didn’t hear from her for a year. I eventually ran into her again, and she was in bad shape. She didn’t want anything from me but cash. I still thought there might be something I could do to fix things with her, but she didn’t love me enough to work on us. At least she went to rehab to work on herself. When she was in rehab, we signed the divorce papers, and she basically said she would be better off without me. Lucy probably is, too.”
“Have you asked Lucy if that’s how she feels?”
“I don’t need to. I know.”
“Sounds like something you should talk to her about instead of assuming. Have you seen or spoken to her since the breakup?”
“We work together, so I’ve seen her, but we haven’t really said much.”
“Do you want to say anything to her?”
“Of course I want to apologize and maybe…explain? Explain why I’m like this, you know? Why I’m not the kind of person she can love. Why I needed to end things.”
Dr. Altman fidgeted in her seat. “If you think it was such a good idea to break up with her, then why was your thought when you came in here about the ring you bought her?”
“Because I have to return it?” He suggested.
“I know we just met, but I think you showed up here sleep deprived thinking about an engagement ring, because you still want to give it to Lucy. The voice inside your head telling you you’re unworthy of love, the one that you listened to when you broke up with her, I think you came here hoping Dr. London could help silence it. I think you want to get better and be in a place where you can walk up to Lucy, tell her how you feel, and have her take you back knowing that you won’t pull away because of self doubt. I think if you put in the work here with me, you’ll get there in a little time.”
“What if she’s better off without me?”
“If you really believed that, then you would be at a jewelry store returning the ring. Not a therapist’s office.”
He frowned, since she had a better understanding of the inner workings of his brain than he did. She reminded him of Lucy in that way. “Do you think Dr. London would mind if I started seeing you instead?”
“Not at all. Though I don’t mind the walk ins, it’s really best if you make an appointment.”
“Understood.”
She flashed him a smile. “I still have a little time before my next patient. Tell me more about Lucy.”
That was the kind of request that could easily get him to talk, since there was plenty to say about the woman he loved.
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Lucy’s leg bounced as she sat in the waiting room. She never hated the idea of therapy, but whenever it was mandated by the department, it put her a bit on edge, since a psychiatrist would determine whether she was fit for duty, and some days, her head was a bit too clouded to be fit for anything.
Dr. Altman glanced at her appointments before poking her head out of her office and calling, “Officer Lucy Chen?”
Her ears perked up, and she stood up. Lucy wiped her sweaty palms on her sides and gave the psychiatrist a tight smile.
“Have a seat,” Dr. Altman said as she gestured to the couch. “I’m Dr. Altman.”
“Nice to meet you,” Lucy replied and shuffled until the couch felt somewhat comfortable.
One look at her, and the doctor could tell her patient was uneasy. “I understand you might not want to be here, since this is a department mandated session. You were in an explosion, and the LAPD wants to make sure you’re doing alright after something so traumatic.”
“I wasn’t in the explosion. I’m a patrol officer. I was at the perimeter, and it wasn’t my first explosion.”
“Are you saying it’s normal for you to see buildings explode in front of you?”
“I’m saying some things just come with the job. You get used to it.”
“Pardon me for being blunt, but you don’t seem all that used to it. Your toes haven’t stopped tapping since you sat down.” Her eyes dropped to Lucy’s foot, which immediately stopped moving once attention was called to the repetitive movement.
Lucy had not even realized she was doing that and sat up straighter as she forced her legs to remain steady. “Sorry about that.”
“Nothing to apologize for. Let’s talk about what you saw. Seeing a building blow up must have been difficult.”
She smiled wryly and spoke before she could even think, “Not as difficult as my life blowing up.”
“What do you mean?”
Realizing what she said, Lucy shook her head. “It’s nothing. We’re here about that explosion.”
“We can talk about something else instead.”
“Like you said, this is a department mandated session.”
“I know, but this is my office, and I make the rules. Tell me about what you meant when you said your life blew up.”
“I-I was being a little dramatic. It’s really not the end of the world.” She played with her fingers, distinctly circling the digit she tended to wear her beloved moonstone ring on before it became too difficult to wear, yet the memory of that particular piece of jewelry hung on her skin like a ghost’s touch. “My…my boyfriend broke up with me.”
Dr. Altman frowned sympathetically. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s okay. We’re okay,” she lied.
“You know it’s okay if you aren’t okay.”
“But I am,” she lied a bit more convincingly.
“Then how come you said your life blew up when referring to the breakup?”
“I was just being dramatic.”
“Were you, or are you now trying to cover up how you really feel?”
Lucy tried speaking a few times and scratched the back of her neck. “Can we talk about the explosion instead?”
Dr. Altman set her notepad aside and placed her hands in her lap. “I’ll sign off that you can return for duty at the end of this session if you’re honest with me about what’s really troubling you, and we both know it’s not the explosion.”
“What’s troubling me,” she whispered as her mind raced. “I don’t want this to trouble me.”
“Are you referring to the break up?” She watched Lucy slightly nod in response, so she asked, “How long has it been?”
“It’s been over a month. It took a month to stop crying over my exboyfriend that cheated on me while we were living together.”
“But you’re not done crying about this recent breakup?”
“I’m pretty good about it. I only really cry when I’m alone in my car or at night when I should be sleeping.”
“Why only those times? Is it because you don’t want anyone to see your grief?”
“There’s no grief!”
“Your tear ducts don’t work unless there’s a strong emotion to react to. It sounds like you’re grieving.”
“It’s not like that. It’s just a breakup. Those are…hard.”
“Especially ones that blow up your life,” she repeated her own words back to her.
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Lucy crossed her arms; she did not appreciate the prodding of a psychiatrist. “My parents are therapists. I know what you’re doing.”
“What am I doing?”
“You’re trying to…to trap me.”
“Trap you? I’m just having a conversation with you. You brought up the breakup. I think it’s fair to assume you’re upset about it. Breakups are hard like you said.”
“It just didn’t make sense.”
“You didn’t want to break up?”
“With the man I’ve been in love with longer than I’ll ever admit?” She blew out a dry laugh. “No, I didn’t want to break up with him.” Lucy glanced at her empty hand and almost pictured a diamond ring glittering on her finger. “We talked about getting married and having kids. We were supposed to have forever, but he…he let go of all of that. I lost my best friend and my entire future in one second all because he walked away.”
“That’s hard.”
“No kidding,” she scoffed.
“Makes sense you feel like your life blew up when something like that happens, and it makes sense you would cry about losing someone like that.”
“I don’t want to cry over him. I sound pathetic.”
“You don’t sound pathetic. You miss him. That makes sense.”
“I get in a car, and I always look to the other seat expecting him to be there, and when I get in bed, there’s always this second where I think I’m waiting for him to come join me…then I remember he isn’t coming.” Her eyes began to sting, and she knew she might cry outside of the regular moments she allowed herself to shed some tears. “Yeah, that’s pathetic.”
“That kind of negative self talk is going to make you think it’s better to ignore your pain than to explore it, but exploring those difficult emotions is the only way to move on.”
Lucy’s heart cracked for the millionth time, and her shoulders felt heavy. “Move on?” She whispered brokenly, and a tear fell.
“Why does the idea of moving on seem to hurt you so much?” Dr. Altman gauged her reaction easily.
“Isn’t that normal?”
“In my office, we don’t have to operate based on what’s normal. So tell me why moving on hurts?”
“Because…,” she gulped, hoping that would stop more tears from falling, but it was no use, “because I don’t want to.”
“So if your ex walked into this office right now, would you take him back?”
“A big part of me says hell yes.” Lucy glanced at the closed door half expecting the psychiatrist to have predicted the future and was about to see Tim step through.
“What about the other part of you?”
“I’d be a little terrified.”
“Why?”
“Because he can’t do that again. He’s not allowed to snatch our future away again.”
“So he would have to make some promises?”
“Definitely, and I don’t know if that’s something he can do right now.”
“So if he can’t?”
“Then I can’t take him back, and then I’m officially swearing off love forever.”
“I’m not sure that’s the right solution,” Dr. Altman replied.
“You don’t have him and then…and then try to be with someone else. I-I can’t be with anyone else. I won’t love anyone else this much. I won’t be this happy with someone else. So why try? Why even consider getting into some new relationship when I know it won’t feel as right?”
“Sounds like you really love him.”
“More than I ever thought I could love anyone.” Something about making that admission and openly talking about how much she loved Tim tugged at her heartstrings and the corners of her mouth.
“He seems like a great guy.”
“Past his high walls, yeah, he really is. Tim is the kind of guy you wouldn’t think is so kind, and gentle, and a total softy when you first meet him, but once you get to know him, you see just how amazing he is.”
“Have you told Tim how you see him?”
“Only a million times! I’ve teased him about being a softy so often.” She chuckled. “Most of our friends don’t see it, but I do.”
“You have mutual friends?”
“We work together, and we mostly only hang out with our coworkers. I don’t really see them as my friends. They’re more like my family.”
“And how have they been dealing with your breakup? Surely, it can’t be easy for two members of the same group to no longer be together,” Dr. Altman prodded.
“We’re good. We’re professional.”
“Are you two professional because you won’t tell him how you feel?”
“I’ve told him how I feel…,” she thought about it more seriously and amended to, “well, I’ve sort of…it’s hard to talk about it, though, okay?”
“You don’t seem to have any difficulty talking about it with me.”
Lucy pursed her lips. “This is different.”
“How so?”
“Our friends…they know what happened. They know he walked up to me, then broke up with me, and walked away. They know I cried. They know I was a little emotional for a few days. But after that…”
Dr. Altman watched Lucy try to find the right words yet failed, so she supplied, “It was easier to act like you were okay for the sake of all of your friends? You don’t want anyone to pick you or him in the breakup, so acting like you’re fine is better. Did I get that right?”
She let out a breath she had been holding on for a long while. Something about how a psychiatrist who barely knew her was able to understand her so easily brought her some peace. “You nailed it. The only other person who understands me this well is Tim.” She still spoke his name with fondness despite how he tore her heart out of her chest.
“Do you still want him to be the person that knows you well?”
“I don’t have a choice. I can’t live without him.” She watched as her doctor opened her mouth, so Lucy said, “Before you ask, I don’t want to live without him. Maybe I could live without him, but I don’t want to. I don’t even want us to be broken up. I want to get in my car at the end of this session and see him in the passenger seat, and I want to climb into bed tonight with him right next to me. I want this whole breakup to be some sort of nightmare I wake up from.”
“But it’s not a nightmare. This is the real world where the man you love hurt you. I think you should hold out for an apology and that promise you said you wanted.”
“You’re right.” She sunk deeper into the couch. “I should hold out for that. I don’t want to, but I should. It’s the only way to guarantee he won’t hurt me again. He’s never allowed to break us up again. I would kill him if he did.”
Dr. Altman grinned. “From everything I’m hearing, you’re already planning for when you get back together.”
She shrugged meekly. “A girl can hope.”
“For your sake, if he generally makes you as happy as you say he does, I hope he can make his way back to you. Until then, I think you should see me regularly. We can talk about anything else you want, but you can also confide in me about Tim. It can’t be easy to act like you’re fine around all of your friends, and it’s impossible to avoid your feelings for the majority of the day. Think of me as your confidante. To the rest of the world, you can be perfectly okay, and in here, you can unburden yourself.” Her eyes dropped to the tissue box on the coffee table between her and Lucy. “And cry outside of your car or bed if you need to.”
She tilted her head as she considered the offer. “It would be nice to be honest with someone.”
“Just think about my offer. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Our hour isn’t up yet, so why don’t you tell me about how you and Tim met.”
Lucy brightened; that was a story she loved to share.
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Tim picked at a hangnail on his thumb instead of talking. Being silent in Dr. Altman’s office was a rarity, but there were moments when he was quiet, since words were too hard.
Dr. Altman gave him a few moments then decided to prompt him to open up. “Do you want to talk about your dad again?”
“Lucy has moved on,” was his reply, since that had been the only thought occupying his brain.
“I’m so sorry to hear that. How did you find out?”
“She’s been perfectly fine. The other day, she showed up to my house, and it was to talk about the rookie she’s training. Kept it all business, and then she left. She didn’t even stay for dinner.”
“That doesn’t mean she’s moved on.”
“Doesn’t mean she hasn’t.”
“Let’s take a step back. You said she showed up at your house. Why?”
“I thought it was to tell me she was ready to take me back. She stood outside my front door looking beautiful, and I thought it was the moment. I thought she was about to recognize all the work I’ve been doing on myself and wanted us to get back together, but instead, she asked me questions about how the LAPD does background checks on rookies, since she doesn’t trust hers.”
“There are a few aspects of what you just said that I want to point out to you, Tim. One, the work we’ve been doing in here is as subtle as a melting glacier, and she won’t know about the progress you’ve made unless you tell her about therapy.”
“And the veteran’s support group. I’ve been going like you asked,” he tacked on.
“That, too. She needs to hear in your own words that you’re taking steps to understand and better yourself.”
“What if I tell her about the therapy, and she thinks I’m even more broken than she already thought?”
“If she understands you as well as you say she does, then she won’t have an issue with you being in therapy. As for the visit to your house, I’m sure it was disappointing that she didn’t walk through your door and take you back. That’s understandable. May I remind you we talked about how she might need time.”
Slightly disappointed, he replied, “I know.”
“Are you not willing to wait for her anymore?”
“Of course I am. However long it takes, but what if the window’s closed, and she’s done with me?”
“Let me direct your attention to the third aspect of what happened that you might not necessarily be seeing.” Dr. Altman watched his curiosity flicker across his eyes. “Lucy went to your house looking for support.”
He had assumed there would be some greater conclusion to be drawn, but his psychiatrist merely stated the obvious. “And?”
“That’s a good sign that progress has been made. She’s warming back up to you if she’s willing to tell you about something she’s struggling with that she could use help with. Isn’t that something friends would do?”
“Well, yeah, I guess.”
“You told me that you and Lucy started out as friends and coworkers, but after the breakup, she’s been a little hot and cold with you. Her going to you as a friend is a step in the right direction.”
Something closer to relief than he had felt in a long while washed over him. “A step in the right direction,” he repeated, lost in thought. “What's the over under on her taking me back now, doc?”
“You would have to ask Lucy that question. I don’t even know her. All I have to go on is what you tell me about how your exchanges have evolved, and they have. You see that now, don’t you?”
A smirk played at the corner of his mouth. “I do. That means there’s a chance.”
“Don’t get your hopes up too high. All we can guarantee is that you put the work in to become a better version of yourself, but that doesn’t mean she’ll take you back for sure.”
“I’m aware, but it’s nice to know there’s a chance.” There was a possibility he could be with Lucy again, and that made Tim feel lighter than he had in weeks.
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Lucy wanted to melt into Dr. Altman’s couch and fade into oblivion once she sat down at the beginning of their session.
To cut the one sided tension, Dr. Altman asked, “What’s on your mind today? Is it your mom again?”
“No, no, I haven’t spoken to my mom since our last session, which is a good thing.”
“Okay, so what seems to be bothering you?”
“I slept with Tim!” The admission flew out of her mouth so quickly she held her breath afterwards to prevent herself from saying anything else as if there was some juicier secret to divulge in the moment. She traced a line over her knee on a spot he had squeezed during their night together, and the memory alone made her feel flush. “I threw myself at him. He looked at me, and I practically flung myself in his arms. How pathetic is that?”
“No one is calling you names but yourself and no one is judging you but yourself. Let’s try to stick with the facts without tearing yourself down. What happened?”
“It was Valentine’s Day, and-and we worked together all day, which you know is something I love to do, and while we were on the job, he told me he was bringing a date to the work gala we had to go to after shift that day. Can you believe that? I spent all day with him, and then he was going to take some other woman to a dance? He used to save all of his dances for me, and then he had the nerve to tell me he was taking a date.”
“That must’ve hurt.”
She laughed dryly. “Hurt? It felt like a betrayal. He broke up with me, and then he was going to move on at a work event where he knew I would be.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“N-no. I put on a dress I knew would make him stare and wore the necklace he gave me on Valentine’s Day last year, since we spent that one as a couple. I wanted to make him feel sorry for ever thinking he could move on from me. He’s supposed to be mine forever.” She could hear the ferocity in her own voice, so she cleared her throat and tried to relax. “But it turns out, his date to the gala was his sister. He hadn’t moved on.”
Dr. Altman did not want to let it show how relieved she was to hear that news, but internally, she was smiling. “And how did that make you feel?”
“Like an idiot. I had gotten worked up for nothing.”
“So what did he say when you told him that you thought he had moved on?”
“I…well, I didn’t exactly say anything about it. I didn’t want to open that can of worms.”
“Which can of worms is that?”
That tricky question resulted in her answering so quickly that she did not even take a single breath as she babbled, “The one where I tell him that I love him and want us to get back together at some point, but I’m not sure when, because he shattered my heart when he broke up with me, and I’m not over that, but I want to be, and I know I will be just not right now, and I don’t want to make any promises about when, ‘cause I’m not sure when, and I don’t want to disappoint him, so it’s just easier not to say anything until I’m ready.”
“You could never disappoint him by being honest.”
She smiled instinctively. “He told me once that I could never disappoint him.”
“Do you believe he meant it?”
“Of course. He’s very honest. That’s something I really love about him.”
“In all of our sessions, you’ve never once mentioned something you didn’t love about him.”
“Since it wasn’t clear before, I want to make it obvious now that I really don’t love that Tim broke up with me,” Lucy sassed.
Dr. Altman gave her an amused smirk. “I’m aware of that. What I meant was that it’s clear you have nothing but love for him. Even though he broke up with you, you still clearly love him. You don’t resent him or hate him for any reason including the breakup.”
“That’s because I couldn’t stop loving him if I tried. It’s as basic of a function for me as breathing is.”
“Do you think that love is what compelled you to sleep with him?”
Lucy exhaled nervously. “Probably? We’ve never been perfect, but we’ve always understood each other well. We have this shorthand, you know. I don’t need to say a word for him to get me, and one look, and I get him. That’s probably part of why the sex is so good. Even though it’s been months, we haven’t missed a step. Is that a good sign that we will definitely get back together someday, or was I just that desperate for any part of him that I took what I could get from him?”
“What do you think?”
“I’m not the professional here.” She knitted her fingers together in a feeble attempt to distract her racing mind, but it was no use; their evening together replayed on a loop in her mind. “He gave me a look. I initiated everything, but like I said, we have a shorthand, and he stared at me all night at the gala like he used to. I swear the way he was looking at me…he was thinking about sleeping with me, too.”
“Were you happy about that?”
Her cheeks flushed. “Maybe a little,” Lucy lied. “I told him to stop giving me that look, but he didn’t, and then he got hurt, and we ended up alone in a hotel room with his shirt off, and…I kissed him, and things moved pretty quickly after that. I’m such an idiot! I threw myself at him!” She covered her face with her hands in her shame.
“It takes two to tango. Was he a willing participant?”
The question caused her to drop her hands to her lap and perk up. “A very enthusiastically willing participant,” she shared smugly.
“If both of you wanted to sleep together, then why are you upset with yourself for the part you played?”
“Because I should’ve ignored the looks. I shouldn’t have kissed him.”
“Why not?”
Lucy chewed the inside of her mouth, since uttering that answer aloud was too hard to admit.
Dr. Altman leaned forward in her chair and softly prodded her with a gentle, “Lucy?”
She tested out her lungs by taking in a weak inhale. “Because…I want to kiss him again.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“I saw him in the elevator the day after Valentine’s Day at the end of shift, and of course we were alone again, and I couldn’t even look at him, because I thought I might jump into his arms again, and I’m not ready for that.”
“Not ready for what exactly?”
“To let him all the way back in. Sex is as far as I can go right now, but everything else, I can’t do that yet. I wish I was ready, but I’m not.”
“It’s alright. You should be patient with yourself. It’s completely valid to take time to yourself to recover. Think of this heartbreak like any other visible injury. If you broke your arm, you would need to put it in a cast and be careful with it for a time. People would want to help you, because without the use of that arm, even the most simple tasks might be a challenge. And even when the cast comes off, you might need physical therapy and to still be cognizant of how your arm is healing day by day. Your broken heart needs the same kind of time as a broken arm, maybe even more time.”
Lucy appreciated the metaphor. “You think my heart is out of the cast yet?”
“Perhaps. Being in a good enough headspace to sleep with Tim might be a sign that you’re healing. You said in our second session that it sometimes hurt just to look at him or say his name. Is that still true?”
She had to think about it for a minute. “No…no, it doesn’t hurt most of the time…it doesn’t even bother me on shift anymore or when I’m in any car for that matter. The only time it really hits me that we’re not together anymore is at night. I don’t cry every night anymore, but I still expect him to climb into bed next to me, and it kills me when he doesn’t.” Her lips twitched upwards. “One of the best things about Valentine’s Day wasn’t just the sex, even though that was amazing, but…it was really great to feel him next to me in bed. I haven’t fallen asleep that quickly in a really long time.”
“Those are two great things to come out of one night together.”
“Yeah, but the best part was that I got to forget that we’re both a little broken right now. It was nice to have him back for a while. I missed it more than I thought.”
“Did you tell him that and ask how he felt?”
Lucy sank deeper into the couch in her embarrassment. “I panicked the next morning. He wanted to talk, but I didn’t trust myself. I was worried I was going to start crying.”
“Why would you cry?”
“Because when I woke up, I remembered that we aren’t together. It all came back to me in a second, and I was heartbroken all over again. So I told him that sleeping together didn’t mean anything and ran away.”
“Were you telling the truth?” Dr. Altman asked, though she was already certain what Lucy would say.
“Of course not.”
“It’s not fair to lie to him about your feelings. Just because he broke your heart, it doesn’t give you a license to be dishonest.”
Lucy frowned as her stomach turned. “That’s true.”
“Find an opportunity to tell him where you are and how you feel. He won’t be disappointed if you say your heart’s out of the cast but still recovering. Giving him some sort of update on your feelings could help. You won’t get back together in one conversation. If you start talking now, then you’ll be laying some healthy groundwork for your reconciliation in the future.”
She put a hand over her aching chest. “That’s what I want. Healthy groundwork. That’ll make getting back together feel right.”
“I know you haven’t forgiven him yet, but is there anything else that’s holding you back from being with him completely and not just in a sexual way?”
Lucy sighed and tousled her hair. “There’s…well, there’s the work thing. We work together, and now he’s in my chain of command again. Last time we tried to fix that problem, it ended up biting me in the ass, and some jerk ruined my chances of making detective. When we get back together, Tim and I will have to figure out this rank thing, and we have to do it right this time.”
“Does doing it right mean one of you will transfer stations?”
“I don’t want that. Our station is our family for both of us. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“So are you going to look for a promotion?”
“I wanted to make detective, but I don’t think that’s realistic anymore.”
“There are other paths you could take in the LAPD.”
“Like what?”
“How about something in leadership? I understand being a Training Officer hasn’t worked out as you’d hoped, but it was a position of leadership, and being a leader is something you excel at.”
“You think I have what it takes to make sergeant?”
“Only if it’s something you want.”
“I ran the whole station for a day,” Lucy recalled proudly. “It was tough, but I did a pretty good job.”
“I’m sure you did.” Dr. Altman smiled. “So think about taking the sergeant’s exam. We can talk about it in our next session after you’ve given yourself some time to mull it over. You would make a strong leader. Your career aspirations have nothing to do with Tim, though. Whether you two get back together or not, it makes sense to invest in growing your career. Just because talking about Tim triggered this discussion, it doesn’t mean he’s the reason to take the sergeant’s exam.”
“Absolutely. I love him. I also love being a cop. I can have both and care about both at the same time, and I think that focusing on my career right now while my heart is still on the mend could be good for me. Maybe I’ll spend nights studying so much I fall asleep without having a minute to miss him?”
“It’s not weak to miss him. Missing someone isn’t a feeling to avoid or to hate. It’s just as much a testament to your love for someone as passion is. Don’t forget that.”
Lucy had plenty to digest thanks to her very helpful session; it helped greatly to take the time to explore her feelings in a judgment free space with someone she did not have to pretend with but could be vulnerable with about everything swirling around in her mind.
══════🛋️══════
Dr. Altman, astute at reading people, watched as Tim raked a hand through his hair before even saying a word at the beginning of their session, and she knew something was bothering her patient. “What’s been going on lately?”
“Lucy,” he sighed.
“We talk about her a lot in our sessions. Has there been a development?”
“I told her I still love her and asked her if she felt the same way.”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing. We almost died. It was in the middle of a wildfire. I’ll admit it wasn’t the best moment to bring it up, but if we did end up getting burned alive, I wanted her to know I still love her. We’ve flirted, and I’ve made comments, but I haven’t been that straightforward before.”
“How did it feel?”
“I was scared that Lucy was about to die, so I guess I didn’t really think about much else in terms of my feelings.”
“Now that you’re not in danger, you can really walk through that memory,” Dr. Altman said. “When you think about the fact that you said those words to her after being broken up for months, what do you think about?”
“I…,” he started and stopped speaking once or twice as he recalled that moment. Words failed him for a time, but he finally landed on, “I think I’m an idiot. I know you say I’m not supposed to call myself any names, but it was idiotic of me to unload like that. I’m not sure she wants to take me back, and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t forgiven me yet, so unburdening myself to make me feel better in that moment was a dumb move.”
“Was it? You spoke your truth. Being honest isn’t a bad thing. Someone who loves you will want you to be truthful even when it isn’t the best time.”
“So there’s still a chance we’ll get back together, right? I haven’t screwed up too badly?”
“Only Lucy knows that answer, but in my opinion, I don’t think that ruined your chances.”
“Good.” The beginning of a smile ghosted his lips. “I’m trying not to come on too strong but still make it clear to her that I want her back, but I feel like I’m messing up all of the time.”
“Why do you think you’re messing up?”
“Because I don’t know if we’re any closer to getting back together or not. I’m not sure what she’s thinking or what she wants from me, which is killing me, because I’ve always been able to read her mind. But lately, I’m not sure.”
“Maybe you can read her mind, but since you don’t like what she’s thinking, you’re not able to accept it. You two have been apart for months now, and despite your best efforts, she hasn’t taken you back yet or shown any indication that she will soon. That must be frustrating.”
“She talked about taking the sergeant’s exam. After what I said during the wildfire, we were taken to the hospital to get treated for smoke inhalation, and she talked about the sergeant’s exam being her priority.”
“You’ve said she’s a dedicated cop. It makes sense for Lucy to want to progress in her career.”
“I agree, but what about us?”
“There’s space for both. There was before.”
“Exactly! I never should’ve pointed out that she’s in my chain of command in the first place. I know that got her thinking, and now, I’m pretty sure she won’t even think about us getting back together until she’s out of my chain of command.”
“Would it be so bad to wait until then?”
“The next sergeant’s exam is seventy-five days away. You’re telling me I have to spend another seventy-five days without her?” He hated how clear the agony was in his voice.
“I’m not sure what she’s thinking, but we can spend the next seventy-five days addressing your self destructive tendencies some more. You should be the best version of yourself when she takes you back, so think of it this way, now you’re on the clock. You have seventy-five days to really put in the work in here. She’ll be bettering her career, and you’ll be bettering yourself.”
He crossed his arms, unhappy with her plan even if it made sense. “I can better myself while being with her. She makes me better all of the time.”
Dr. Altman straightened in her chair. “I’m sensing some impatience in you today that I normally don’t hear from you.”
Tim pinched the bridge of his nose. “I said we shouldn’t sleep together again because she’s in my chain of command. I never should’ve said that. I screwed up, and I hate that I screwed up, because now I think I just pushed the goal line further away. We dated before when she was in my chain of command, and it wasn’t perfect, but we figured it out, and we could figure it out again. We could date without the station knowing for the next seventy-five days, then she could take the test, and she’ll pass for sure, and then, everyone can find out about us. It would’ve been so simple.”
“As nice as that plan of yours sounds, maybe she’s using being in your chain of command as a shield. She’s starting to confide in you again, she’s warming back up to spending time with you, and you two even slept together, so it sounds like Lucy is getting there, but I don’t think she’s ready to jump back into a relationship with you yet. She could be close to forgiving you and willing to take you back, but she might not be one hundred percent prepared for that yet, so maybe she’s hoping in time, like say seventy five days, she’ll be in a better place emotionally to take you back.”
His lips parted in surprise, since that perspective had not occurred to him. “She’s not ready yet,” he pieced together, and though that made his heart thump unevenly, it was understandable.
“I’ve told you before that you need to respect that you’re the one that broke her heart. That means respecting her boundaries, her emotions, and how long it might take to recover.”
“How do I get her to be ready? What can I do to fix us faster?”
Dr. Altman offered him a sympathetic smile, since she knew she was about to tell him something unfavorable for him. “Tim,” she said gently, “I think you have to stay this course, since it’s been working so far, and wait a little longer.” When he made a noise of discontent, she frowned. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, but think about pottery. When you’re making a new vase, you sit in front of a pottery wheel with wet, malleable clay, and you can shape and form it however you want, and then you put it in a kiln, and then it’s a fully functional vase you can admire or put flowers in. But if you break the vase, it’ll shatter into a million pieces, and it becomes this difficult process to reassemble the pieces and painstakingly glue each one back together.”
“Are you saying Lucy and I are a broken vase?”
“Yes. Broken things don’t always work the same or look the same as they once did. Some might look at a vase that’s been glued back together and think that it’s ugly. And if you use the wrong glue, the vase could break all over again, or if you try to put flowers in it, water could leak through the cracks.”
He shot up onto his feet as he furrowed his brow. “If you think Lucy and I won’t work again a second time, then I’m wasting my time with you! I may not ever deserve her, but I love her, and I can make her happy! I can give her what she needs!”
Dr. Altman grinned and pointed at him. “You’ve certainly made progress with me. During our first few sessions, you kept saying you didn’t deserve her, and even though you still feel unworthy of her, you’re starting to recognize that you’re a good partner to her, which we can both agree is what she needs. Now, if you don’t mind, can you sit back down, so I can finish my vase metaphor?”
“You weren’t done?”
“No.” She gestured to the couch behind him and waited until he lowered himself back on the cushions. She exhaled and tilted her head at him fondly, appreciating his enthusiasm even if it interrupted her ability to make her point. “The Japanese have turned repairing broken pottery into an art. It’s called Kintsugi. Are you familiar with it?” When he shook his head, she went over to one of the shelves on the back wall of her office and picked up a bowl that had been repaired using Kintsugi. She handed it to him to admire it and elaborated, “Kintsugi is this practice where you take broken pottery and repair it with gold. When the broken vase is repaired, it’ll have all these pretty and unique golden lines that strengthen the original clay and make it look even more beautiful. There’s no risk of the pottery being weak or having cracks for water to seep through. With Kintsugi, the vase comes out better after being broken. That’s the kind of vase I think you and Lucy will be. Sure, it’s a process, but you’ll come out of this break up stronger than before. And while you’re both picking up the pieces, you might be tempted to go back to how things were, but you won’t be the same anymore. That old version of your relationship doesn’t exist. It’s a myth to want to go back to how things were. When broken things are repaired, they’ll never look exactly the same, but in your case, the newly reassembled version will be even more beautiful.”
“Oh,” he replied, a bit stunned as he inspected the white bowl in his hands with striking gold lines in various spots. “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?”
She giggled. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure I should get your hopes up that you and Lucy will get back together. I was trying to prepare you for an eventuality where she decides to move on from you, but it’s becoming more clear to me that she wants you back.”
“What? How?” Hope caused his eyes to widen in wonder.
“She may be moving at a glacial pace, but she’s warming up to you more and more to the point that she slept with you and tried to act like it didn’t mean anything, because it probably meant a lot to her like you suspected when we talked about it a few sessions ago. You were sure she was lying to protect herself, and you weren’t mad at her for doing that. To me, it sounds like two people who understand each other, love each other, and want to be together again in due time. Whether she uses her words or not, you understand Lucy. You understand that she’s still wounded. Maybe your brain doesn’t want to accept that because you’re becoming more impatient the closer you think you are to reconciling, but it sounds like it’s coming. I would actually love if you could invite her in for a session. I would love to meet her, and I think sitting you two down together could maybe clear things up as you’re both working to repair what’s broken.”
He turned the bowl over as he pondered the suggestion. “I don’t know if I should ask her to come to a session until after she takes the sergeant’s exam. She’ll probably be studying a lot, and I don’t want her to take her eye off the ball. Seventy-five days won’t be so bad. I can wait.”
Dr. Altman appreciated his reply; he was handling the situation with more grace by the second, and it was beautiful to witness.
══════🛋️══════
Lucy waited in the lobby of Dr. Altman’s office by staring at the clock on the wall and tapping her foot. She was anxious to speak to her psychiatrist as quickly as possible, because there was a lot to update her on and talk through, and she could not wait to begin. When the door to the office opened, she stood up in an instant, and then she gasped when she saw who was walking out of their session. “Tim?”
“Lucy?” Tim replied, confused.
“What are you doing here?” They asked each other at the same time, which made them smile in sync, too.
“I go to therapy with Dr. Altman,” he answered as he stepped towards her with that gravitational pull between them always drawing him into her space regardless of the circumstance.
“So do I,” she replied.
They both turned to the woman standing in the doorway, completely perplexed.
Dr. Altman’s eyes flicked between them as realization dawned on her. “You’re HIS Lucy, and you’re HER Tim?” She had to ask, because she could not believe she had been seeing both halves of the same couple without knowing it.
“He’s mentioned me?” Lucy asked meekly.
“You’re the reason I ever tried therapy in the first place,” he responded, his attention completely transfixed on her. “You talk about me with her?”
She shrugged. “You’re one of my favorite things to talk about.” All she wanted to do was stare at him for the rest of her life, admiring the man she loved so much her heart might burst, because finally, as she gazed upon him, her heart did not beat brokenly; all she saw was the man she loved, which was a sign that she had recovered from their break up well enough to get back together.
Quietly, he asked, “Still?”
Lucy nodded, her pulse racing as she accepted how she had healed. “I-I texted you like twenty minutes ago. I’m sorry I fell asleep while you were over at my place earlier. I’m still adjusting to the night shifts. I was hoping to squeeze in a session with Dr. Altman before we talked, but I’ve been canceling on her a ton while I’ve been studying for the sergeant’s exam, and now that I’m on nights, it’s been even harder to find the time for you or her. This was literally my first free moment.”
“You don’t have to explain. I get it.” His eyes scanned her face, reading an expression he was grateful to see, then he looked at her forehead at the spot where he had kissed before leaving her apartment hours before.
Lucy grinned, appreciating how he understood her better than anyone else. “Can we get dinner? I have the night off finally, and I know we have a lot to talk about.”
“Where do you want to go?” He was tempted to reach out and touch her hand but was unsure if such contact would be too forward.
“I’ve got a lot of delicious looking sea bass back at my place someone really sweet made for me.” She did not even think and interlaced her fingers with his, slotting together so easily like they never stopped holding hands. “Let’s go.”
Dr. Altman put up a finger as she blinked at them. “Wait a minute. I think you should take this conversation to my office. At least for the start of it. Lucy has an hour with me, and I don’t think she’d mind if you joined.”
Lucy squeezed Tim’s hand. “I think that’s a pretty good idea. Do you mind?”
“Not at all,” he replied warmly.
“Since I’ve apparently been seeing both of you, I might be able to fill in some gaps. Have a seat,” Dr. Altman said. Lucy occupied her usual cushion of the couch, and Tim sat on his usual cushion right next to her, and the doctor almost laughed out loud, because they had been sitting next to each other and working on their relationship together despite the three of them not realizing it. “Lucy, why don’t you start,” she prompted. Though she never claimed to have favorite patients, Dr. Altman appreciated the progress both Tim and Lucy had been making in their sessions with her, so seeing them together and knowing they were two halves of the same broken heart slowly healing secured them as her most beloved patients that were clearly willing to better themselves to fix what was broken between them and become an even stronger couple than they were when they started.