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if someone asked ten how long he’s known hendery, he probably wouldn’t be able to answer. they’re twenty now, and to chittaphon it feels like they’ve known each other forever. all their lives, they’ve been close — and honestly, it just seems like they were meant to meet and become the most important people in each other’s lives. ten can’t imagine life without kunhang, not even a little — because it’s always him who ends up nearby, no matter what. always ready to support him, to show up with a mountain of snacks for some silly movie they won’t even finish — because they’ll get lost in talking and won’t notice when the film ends.
chittaphon, truth be told, remembers that sunny day they met like it was yesterday. he was five when his family moved from his warm, familiar thailand — where ten had a whole bunch of friends — to china. and there, everything felt wrong. his broken chinese didn’t help him make friends, and he was still so small — too scared to even try. he was afraid they wouldn’t accept him. who would want a new kid in their little group of friends?
maybe that’s why, during every walk in kindergarten, he kept his distance. most of the time, he found a quiet spot on a swing and just thought to himself. or he’d gladly take the bright chalk from the teacher and run off a bit, always drawing the sea and a bright sun. he missed home. and honestly, it was painfully lonely — until one day, everything changed.
hendery was the one who came up to him first. smiling wide and holding out a handmade flower crown. chittaphon looked at him in surprise, quickly trying to remember the right word in chinese, until he finally spoke — very quietly.
– is this for me? – ten blinked in confusion, still watching kunhang closely. the other boy just smiled, sweet and innocent, and nodded.
– for you. wanna be friends? – the chinese boy gently placed the flower crown on chittaphon’s head and offered him his hand. – my name is hendery. what’s yours?
– i’m ten. – the thai boy’s voice still trembled, afraid he’d say something wrong or mess up the tones and sound silly. – what are these… flowers? they’re pretty.
– they’re gardenias. i asked my mom to help me make it, so i could give it to you.
ten smiled, lifting his tiny hand to touch the flowers in the crown, and his smile grew even brighter. maybe making friends in a new country really is hard — but hendery made it feel simple, with just a few kind words. from that moment on, they were almost never apart. they shared every toy, ran together on every walk, and later went to the same school — where, on the first day, they tearfully begged the teacher to let them sit together, because they just couldn’t be separated.
a friendship that strong is rare. in a world where people grow up, grow apart, and life pulls them in different directions, most bonds don’t last. people drift, fall on opposite sides of things. it’s normal — everyone is their own person, and sometimes friendships just reach their end. but every time chittaphon saw that happen, he’d just blink, scratch the back of his head, then look at hendery and say how lucky he was. that they had no reason to fight. that they always, somehow, stayed right by each other’s side.
maybe it really was something like a miracle.
ten and hendery grow up side by side, knowing every tiny detail about each other’s interests and preferences. chittaphon turns out to be unbelievably gentle and kind-hearted. probably, if there was ever someone whose soul could be called pure — it would be his. untouched by any wrongdoing, sincere to the core. but of course, even that kind of character comes with flaws. back in school, his softness and willingness to give in would often lead to him getting hurt — badly, sometimes. kunhang was always there for him, even then. always ready not only to lend a shoulder when ten needed to cry about the unfairness of the world, but to stand up for him in any future conflict.
chittaphon truly believes no one could ever be a better friend than hendery. after all, who else could he be around so effortlessly? probably no one.
and even with all of that — the closeness, the trust — neither of them ever really thought about anything beyond friendship. ten had little interest in relationships to begin with. his greatest love had always been art — the next drawing in his sketchbook, or his cats. hendery once dated a girl from his lecture group at university, but it didn’t last long. both of them, in the end, put friendship above romance. and besides, when you’ve known someone your entire life, romance doesn’t really come to mind.
probably.
or maybe… maybe love had always been there, hiding in plain sight behind their closeness and the trust they shared. the constant hugs, the sleepovers curled under one blanket, the casual little things — they had simply become habit. the warmth in their chests, the bright smiles they shared when spending time together, fingers laced on walks — it all felt so normal. so routine. neither of them ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, that warmth could mean something more than friendship.
but hanahaki — hanahaki doesn’t wait for realizations. it doesn’t need a confession to start growing its flowers in your lungs. it just shows up. and once it does, there’s no way around the pain.
it’s the flowers that make chittaphon realize he’s in love with his best friend.
the first warning sign is the tight feeling in his chest, like something is clawing at his lungs. the first soft cough, the exhaustion — ten blames it on a cold. but there’s no second warning. because when the coughing worsens and he sees the first bloodstained gardenia petals in his palm, all he can do is stare — stunned — as tears gather in his eyes.
because it hurts. because it’s sudden. because it’s so terribly unfair.
gardenia — kunhang’s favorite flower. the one that symbolizes secret love and admiration. of course it would be that.
obviously, if someone asked ten when he fell in love with hendery, he wouldn’t know what to say. maybe it was back in school, when kunhang always defended him so fiercely, never letting anyone say a bad word about chittaphon. maybe it was that warm spring afternoon, when they had a picnic after class and stayed there till the evening. or maybe… maybe it was already written in fate that day when they were kids and kunhang came running with a flower crown, just to be his friend.
but ten doesn’t say a word about his pain to kunhang. he just becomes quieter. the light in him dims. he doesn’t want to break what they have. doesn’t want to hurt his friend with the truth of what’s happening to him. so chittaphon blames it all on being sick and tells hendery not to visit — says he doesn’t want him to catch anything.
ten tells no one about his pain. he handles it alone, wiping tears off his cheeks after each new wave of petals. they only get worse. the pain grows sharper. he can feel the flowers clawing at his lungs and throat, and with every passing day, he coughs more and more. it’s no longer frightening — just constant.
he’s gotten used to it. accepted it. and still hasn’t said a word to kunhang.
he’d never allow himself to hurt him with the truth — that chittaphon might be one step away from dying because of these goddamn flowers growing inside his lungs.
ten starts skipping more and more classes. replies to hendery’s messages less often — sometimes leaves them unread for days. he just… doesn’t have the strength to function. anyone looking at him now would know in a heartbeat: he’s fading. the light in his face has vanished, the spark in his eyes is gone, and deep shadows have formed beneath them from too many sleepless nights. sleeping’s hard when your chest feels like it’s ripping itself apart. the moment he dozes off, he wakes again — coughing, always coughing, always more petals.
chittaphon keeps thinking how unfair it all is. their story — his and hendery’s — was never meant to end like this. they were so absurdly close, always sharing everything, unable to imagine life apart. so why did such a cruel illness strike him? why was he forced to realize his feelings through choking on kunhang’s favorite flowers?
and why, in the end, does he need him so badly now?
the answer to the last question is expected. but ten still would’ve preferred not to feel that way—not to want to end up in someone else’s arms, to pour out everything that was weighing him down and cry into the chest of the person closest to him. he wanted so badly to feel someone’s palm in his hair, gently stroking his head while he tried to calm down from the tears.
but none of that was something he could allow himself. all he could do was pull his knees closer, wrapping his arms around his own shoulders.
at some point, even the energy to clean up left him. and so, in chittaphon’s apartment, bloodied gardenia petals ended up scattered here and there. ten used to love that flower, but now he hated it with all his heart. because it was another reminder of how their idyll collapsed in a single moment, and he didn’t need that. it only hurt more, made him slide down the wall, biting his lower lip not to burst into sobs.
he wanted so badly to return to the time when everything was good between them.
eventually, he breaks. finds the strength to respond to a few of kunhan’s messages and ask to meet. for some reason, ten feels like this might be his last chance to see hendery. he doesn’t want to miss at least a few happy moments. he could try to hold back the coughing while hendery visits, right?
ten even finds the strength to clean up, but not to cook anything nice for kunhan—so he orders delivery. while changing, he doesn’t even look in the mirror, because he already knows he’s become painfully thin, with bruises sunk under his eyes, looking more like a zombie than a living person. love is supposed to be something bright and lovely, but sometimes it does horrible things to people. still, the thai man doesn’t even allow himself to consider doing anything about it—to agree to any treatment that might take away his feelings for hendery, and with them, the flowers that are killing him.
his feelings for kunhan feel like something sacred—so important that if he has to die because of them, he wouldn’t mind.
a knock at the door pulls him out of his thoughts, and ten pulls the sleeves of his hoodie down slightly before opening it. and when he lets hendery into the apartment, he forces a faint smile.
– i missed you, – ten’s voice is quiet, – sorry for ignoring you so much and not replying.
there’s a smile on ten’s lips—so strained and fake that hendery notices it immediately. and it physically hurts him to see ten like this. more than anything, he’s always wanted chittaphon to be truly happy. no matter how, or with whom. he would do anything if it meant the person in front of him could shine with joy. but what he sees now is a picture that’s breaking him apart.
– ten… i missed you too, sweetheart. – the chinese man falls silent, unable to find the right words. – i don’t know what’s going on with you, but please… don’t push me away anymore like you’ve been doing. whatever it is, i’m ready to be by your side. always.
ten swallows a petal rising in his throat, not letting it escape in a cough.
– i was just sick, i’m feeling better now, really. give me a couple more days and i’ll be back to normal. – the thai man chuckles softly, and hendery pulls him into a hug.
but kunhan feels he’s being lied to. he sees it in the way ten avoids eye contact. he hears it in his voice. because ten never used to lie to anyone—he was practically the purest person in the world. so what happened to him now? hendery only hopes that in time, ten will tell him himself.
– i ordered us pizza. how about we watch some silly comedy?
and hendery agrees, like he always does with anything ten wants. because if something—anything—can bring a smile to chittaphon’s face, even for a moment, kunhan will do it without a second thought. he gently wraps an arm around the thai man, who sits next to him and pulls the pizza box closer. the comedy turns out to be silly but captivating. genuinely funny. and for the first time in a while, ten allows himself to relax and enjoy the moment.
to forget the pain, forget the flowers, inching ever closer to bursting free.
ten lets his self-control slip.
and because of that, he doesn’t manage to stop the cough that rips out of his lungs. he suddenly pulls away from hendery, covering his mouth with both hands so the flower petals land in his palms and not on the clean blanket. the pain is like nothing he’s ever felt before. tears stream down his face, and hendery’s voice reaches him like through water. and he can’t answer. can’t do anything.
he doesn’t even notice how some of the petals slip through his fingers and fall onto the white blanket, staining it with drops of blood—landing right in kunhan’s line of sight.
surprisingly, hendery doesn’t freeze in shock. he doesn’t panic. instead, he instantly understands what’s happening. he waits just a moment, until ten stops doubling over from the pain of coughing, and immediately pulls the boy into a firm hug, pressing him tightly to his chest, giving them a good ten minutes just to sit like that. giving ten the space to cry out everything that had been building up inside. left unsaid. everything he’d been battling alone. with no support at all.
– sorry, – ten speaks first. his voice is barely more than a whisper, hoarse and raw. he sniffles softly and pulls away from hendery. – for all of this… i didn’t… i didn’t mean for it to happen.
kunhan feels like several dozen knives are being driven into his heart all at once. he hurts again—almost physically. he doesn’t understand why ten is apologizing. does he have any reason to?
– tennie… ten, god. there’s no reason for you to say sorry, do you hear me?
– isn’t there? you weren’t supposed to see any of this. i shouldn’t have, i… i… – the thai man starts speaking too fast, rambling, and loses his train of thought. his voice catches painfully from raising it even a little.
hendery places his palm on ten’s cheek, gently stroking with his fingertips, looking into his eyes. he presses a barely-there kiss to the tip of his nose.
– ten… it’s okay. we’ll get through this together. we always got through the hard stuff together, remember? no matter what, we stayed by each other’s side. why should it be any different now?
chittaphon swallows the lump in his throat that’s threatening to trigger another round of sobs. doesn’t hendery understand? didn’t the petals make it clear this isn’t something that can be fixed like the problems they’ve faced before?
– because i don’t want to die slowly in front of your eyes, hendery. not because of… not because of feelings for you. i don’t want you to hurt, i don’t want you to blame yourself. i can’t.
tears start rolling down ten’s cheeks again, and hendery gently wipes them away with his thumb, then leans in to catch the next tear with his lips—literally kissing it away.
– you’re not going to die, ten. do you hear me? – hendery can feel it too—he’s one breath away from breaking into tears himself. maybe they should’ve talked about their feelings. not pushed them down for years, not just accepted them quietly and tried to be content with whatever made ten happy. they should’ve talked. they should’ve shared. – because everything can still be fixed, tennie.
– with feelings returned.
– yes. but who ever said i didn’t love you? hey, you’re the most important person in my life. – hendery looks into ten’s eyes again. – i love you, kitten. truly and honestly. like i’ve never loved anyone before. and believe me, i’ll stay by your side always. from this moment on and forever, okay? we can fix everything. i swear, i’ll do whatever it takes to see that bright smile on your lips again—to see you happy and free from pain. i’ll never hurt you again, do you hear me?
ten doesn’t have the strength to do more than sniffle and nod. he hadn’t expected this kind of ending to their story. but for the first time in a long while, there’s something in his chest besides pain. a deeply comforting warmth that wraps around him from head to toe when hendery pulls him into his arms and carefully lays them down on the bed, letting ten rest his head on his chest.
ahead of them lies a truly difficult journey—ten still has to recover, to come back to himself, to shine again. but now they both know one simple truth: silence will never return to their relationship. because silence can destroy a person. and neither of them wants to lose the other.
and hendery will do everything everything just to see his bright boy shine again.