Chapter Text
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Love, or longing, or whatever this thing in his chest was — it wasn’t meant to look like this, feel like this. He’d grown up being told what it was supposed to be about : a girl with soft hair and a soft smile, someone you could write home about, someone your parents would nod approvingly at across a dinner table. Something clean, expected, natural. And he’d tried, God, he’d tried to want that. He’d forced himself to smile at girls when they spoke to him, to look at the curve of their collarbones and imagine that one day he’d feel the rush everyone talked about. But it never came. Instead, it was this: this ache in his throat when another boy laughed, this flutter behind his ribs when a boy reached across him to borrow a pencil. This horrible, awful tenderness that rooted itself in his stomach and refused to leave. And it made him feel sick with himself, like there was something deeply broken inside him. The kind of broken that couldn’t be fixed. The kind that had to be hidden. Because what kind of boy wants another boy like that? Not in friendship, not in admiration — but in some messy, wordless way that he didn’t even know how to name. He felt defective. Twisted. He would sit in chapel and pray for it to go away, to wake up normal. He would press his nails into his palms and tell himself it was just a phase, a shadow he could outrun. But it stayed. It always stayed. And sometimes he thought it would eat him alive, this quiet, shameful hunger dressed up like affection. He had felt like there was something wrong with him since he was young. He never denied that. He never knew it would be to do with boys. Or a particular boy. A boy which he just couldn’t keep his eyes off of.
And the boy in question was none other than his roommate, best friend, actor, straight A student, and classmate Neil Perry. Perfect Neil Perry.
He didn’t know if he wanted to be him, or be in his arms right now, with a comforting silence between them. He tried to shove out the second wish every second.
He was supposed to be working, there was a trigonometry worksheet spread out in front of him, lines of questions and half-solved equations swimming on the page that was covered in a blanket of the warm lamp light that filled the room — but his pencil was still, gripped lightly in fingers that weren’t moving. His eyes were drooping. Not from tiredness, but from boredom.Across the room, Neil sat at his desk, writing quickly, his head bent, collar slightly askew. Todd noticed the back of his neck was smooth and pale in the lamplight, and Todd’s eyes had landed there so many times before it was humiliating. He tore them away, let them drop back to the numbers, but his brain wouldn’t engage. The worksheet may as well have been written in ancient Greek.
Fuck off!
He told in his head, immediately, angrily. Partially for his thoughts, and partially to the trig. He’d get Meeks or Pitts to help him tomorrow, pretend he just didn’t understand the phrasing or forgot to ask Keating a question. Anything but what was actually happening: that he was too busy trying not to look at Neil again to make it through a single math problem. And yet, despite himself, his eyes lifted. Just for a second. Just to see if Neil had shifted, if the slope of his neck had changed, if the light caught the soft edge of his hair in a different way. Todd let his pencil rest against his book in defeat and accepted his fate of staring at Neil. Perfect Neil. How could he ever like someone like Todd, who hid behind his own teeth for his whole life, while he wasn’t afraid to speak to people. To socialise. To be liked. Somehow he had liked him. But not in the way Todd wanted him to. Todd always felt as though he didn’t deserve to be thought about, and he knew he wasn’t, but he deeply craved approval from Neil.
Like Neil was the only thing he existed on this earth for.
Like he was his purpose.
Like their lips were meant to belong togeth-
Shut up, Todd. Pull yourself together.
Todd shouted at himself internally. He was just about to fall into another spiral of thoughts when Neil turned around. Todd quickly averted his eyes to the wooden floorboards that spread across the floor, like they were his answer to life. He then slowly looked back up at Neil as if he wasn’t doing that exact action for the past thirty minutes.
”Fuck this chemistry shit. Hows your trig going?”
Neils eyes are oh so beautiful.
”Todd?”
I wish he would hold me in his arms right now..
”Earth to Todd! You there?” Neil waved at Todds face.
He’s speaking to me , of all peopl-
Oh shit! He’s speaking to me!
”Oh- Sorry- I zoned out. Uh. Trigs fine. I guess. Kinda not.” Todd quickly stuttered out to distract Neil from the fact that his eyes were locked on him for a good 15 seconds.
Neil laughed, showing his straight teeth. Todd laughed with him, realising how stupid he sounded.
”I give up. Im going bed.” Neil said after taking a breath.
”Same. Night.” Todd yawned out.
As Neil stood up, his pencil fell out of his grasp. Todd quickly knelt down to grab it for him, but it seemed that Neil had the same idea.
Their fingers brushed. Todd was sure that his face looked like a tomato right now.
”Oh- Sorry-“ Todd mumbled.
”It’s alright.” Neil said with a smile, looking at Todds eyes. Todd quickly looked down and stood up, like he was trying to avoid Neil un-concealing the thoughts he had been having about him a few minutes ago.
That night, Todd did not sleep.