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Friday, May 19, 2017

Rollercoaster

The first official day of summer vacation. And while Andrew Fletcher was thankful for the day off, he had stayed up way too late working his new unpaid internship for OWCA. Who knew training animals to be secret agents could be so exhausting…and time consuming. Andrew was convinced OWCA was skirting several labor laws. Who was the real evil here? Andrew thought to himself, an amused half-smile tugging on his lips as he absently sketched one of the agents kicking Major Monogram’s face in. Small joys.

Andrew’s sunglasses fell over his face onto his notebook, causing him to sigh as he picked them back up and put them back on his face. He leaned back dramatically in his lawn chair. “It’s too damn early for this,” he muttered to himself.

“So, Ferb, what do you want to do today?” Phineas asked as he leaned against the big oak tree in the backyard. His eyes were lazily transfixed on the sky, wondering how he should go about making the best of this summer vacation.

Ferb just shrugged in response, opting to go back to the book he was reading. 

“What about you, Andrew? What do you wanna do today?” Phineas turned to ask his older brother, but the music in his headphones drowned out the sound of Phineas’s voice. 

“Well, what about Perry? What does he wanna do?” Phineas asked, glancing at Perry, who was resting right next to Ferb under the tree.

Perry chattered noncommittally. “Well, he is a platypus. They don’t do much.”

Andrew glanced over at the boys. He happened to catch the last bit of what Phineas said. Andrew couldn’t help but smirk. If only Phineas knew how wrong he was, Andrew thought to himself before picking up his pen and writing a new poem.

“I, for one, am starting to get bored.  And boredom is something I will not put up with!” Phineas sat all the way up, no longer relaxing. “The first thing they’re going to ask us when we get back to school is what we did over the summer! I mean, no school for three months? Our lives should be a rollercoaster! And I mean a good rollercoaster, not the one we rode at the state fair.”

Phineas and Ferb both cringe at the memory. The coaster was short as hell and only had one pathetic 3 foot tall hill, though Phineas doesn’t know if that hill should even qualify as a hill. 

“Man, that was lame. If I built a rollercoaster—wait, that’s it!” Phineas outstretched his arms in victory. “Hey, Ferb! I know what we’re going to do today!”

Andrew didn't even look up. “You’re going to build a rollercoaster.”

“That’s right. We’re gonna build a rollercoaster!” Phineas exclaimed.

Linda walked into the backyard with her purse slung around her shoulder. “Phineas, Ferb, Adri—Andrew,” She cleared her throat, almost slipping up and using Andrew’s dead name. Andrew had only come out as trans a couple months ago, and she was still adjusting to the change. “I’m gonna go pick up a few things. You boys stay out of trouble, okay?” 

“Okay, Mom!” Phineas replied.

Andrew looked up, lowering his sunglasses just enough to shoot Phineas a flat look. “In the backyard? Is our backyard even big enough to build a rollercoaster?” 

“Good point,” Phineas said, rubbing his chin before hitting his hand with his fist. “Only part of the rollercoaster will be in the backyard. It’ll span all of Danville and be the biggest rollercoaster ever! Go big or go home, am I right?”

“Of course,” Andrew muttered. “It’s day one of summer and you’re already trying to reenact Final Destination.”

Phineas beamed. “It’s gonna be epic! You want in?”

Andrew snorted and sat up, brushing grass off his ripped jeans. “As fun as defying the laws of structural engineering sounds, I actually have plans. Vanessa and I are hanging out today.”

Phineas raised his eyebrows. “Ooh, your best friend Vanessa?” 

Andrew rolled his eyes, though a faint blush crept to his cheeks. “Don’t even frickin’ start. I told you that it’s not like that.”

Ferb gave him a disbelieving look. Andrew pointed ignored him. “Like I said, I’m hanging out with my friend, Vanessa. Later, losers. I might join in later if Vanessa wants to, though.”

“You got it!” Phineas said cheerfully. “Have fun with Vanessa!”

Andrew stood and slung his backpack over his shoulder. “Ugh, don’t be weird.” Andrew flicked Phineas on the forehead as he passed him. Candace stormed past him as he attempted to close the gate on his way out. “Speaking of weird,” he muttered under his breath as he latched the gate. 

Candace rushed up to Linda’s car window. “I’m in charge, right? You did tell them I’m in charge? Andrew’s leaving so that makes me the oldest, so I should be in charge.”

Linda sighed. “Relax, Candace. Nobody has to be in charge.”

“But what if there’s an emergency!” 

“Like what?” Linda deadpanned.

“What if…uh…” Candace was struggling to come up with something until Andrew spoke up as he passed by Candace. 

“Like if a rollercoaster car flies through the air, catches fire, and crashes into our house?” Andrew snarked as he rolled his eyes. 

“Yes, exactly!” Candace exclaims, not picking up on Andrew’s sarcasm. “What if a rollercoaster car flies through the air, catches fire, and crashes into our house? Can I be in charge then?”

Linda sighed and started her car. “Well, if that happens, you’re in charge.”

Candace fist bumps the air. “Yes!” 

Andrew rolls his eyes. “You do realize she was just humoring you, right?”

“Oh, can it, buzz kill!” Candace said. “Aren’t you late to your date with your girlfriend?”

Andrew flushed. “She’s not my girlfriend! God, why is everyone on my case about that today!” 

Andrew kicked a can down the driveway as he stormed past Candace, but when he was out of Candace’s line of sight he threw the can in the recycling bin. Checking his watch, he realized he was, in fact, running late to his hang out at Vanessa’s house, and hopped on his skateboard and skated away. 

Candace opened the gate and walked into the backyard. “Mom says I’m in charge conditionally!” 

Phineas barely looked up from his blueprints. “Whatever.”  

“Wait a minute,” Candace put her hands on her hips. “What are you doing?”

“Homework.” 

“It’s summer,” Candace gestured angrily. “Do you think I’m an idiot? Those’re obviously blueprints you’re working on.”

Phineas just stared at her. “Anything can be homework. It’s work…that I’m doing at home. Homework.”

“Ugh, don’t be such a smart a—and Mom told me not to say that in front of you,” Candace groaned and rolled her eyes. “Andrew is such a bad influence on you! I’m watching you losers!” Candace stomped into the house. She paused at the back door, adding, “And don’t forget, I’m in charge! Conditionally.” She then slammed the door.

Phineas exchanged unimpressed glances with Ferb, who just shrugged before resuming his work on the blueprints.

As Candace walked inside, she got a FaceTime call from Stacy. She quickly answered, flopping down on the chair next to the backdoor. “Hey, Stacy.”

“Hey, Candace. You wanna go to the mall with Jenny and me?” Stacy asked.

“No, I can’t right now. Mom just went to the store. She left me in charge. Well, you know, conditionally.”

“Surprised she didn’t leave Andrew in charge. Nice going, Candace,” Stacy said, giving a little fist bump to the camera. “How’d you swing that?”

“I have my ways,” Candace said elusively. “Well, anyway, since you’re going to the mall, can you see if Jeremy is there?” Candace crosses her legs as she readjusted in the chair. 

“The ‘cute’ boy from math class?” Stacy deadpanned. 

“He’s the cute boy who works at Mr. Slushy Burger now,” Candace said, uncrossing her legs, instead opting to sprawl across the chair. “School is out, Stacy. He’s a working man now.”

“He’s only the grade ahead of us,” Stacy rolled her eyes. “Don’t talk about him as if he’s a whole ass man. He’s 16, not 26.”

“Well, anyway, he totally smiled at me the last time I was there. I just about died.” Candace rolled over on her stomach. “So please, please just tell me if you see him.”

“If it’s that important to ya, sure,” Stacy rolled her eyes but smiled fondly. “I don’t see why you can’t go though. Isn’t your dad home?”

“No, he’s running the antique shop. But even if he was, Mom left me in charge. Me! It’s a big deal, Stacy. I gotta prove that I’m responsible!”

“Does this mean you’re going to stop trying to bust your brothers?” Stacy asked. “Because it really isn’t helping your whole ‘proving that you’re response’ angle you’re trying to go for.”

“But they’re always building these wacko inventions, and Mom never catches them! I don’t even know how she misses it! Also, they’re, like, eleven! They shouldn’t be able to build shit that big in less than a few hours, or at all, really, but that’s beside the point!”

“So finally proving yourself to be right is going to earn you responsibility points,” Stacy said with a nod. “I dig it. You might wanna get on with your plan then. I can see their latest project from my house.”

“What do you mean you can see it from your house?” Candace leaped to her feet. “See WHAT?”

Candace slammed open the back door and rushed outside, only to be met with the formations of a tall ass rollercoaster hill. “Phineas, what the heck is this?”

Phineas turned to face Candace, standing proudly atop the rollercoaster hill. “Do you like it?”

“I’m telling Mom!” Candace shouted. “And when she sees this, you’re going down! Down, down, down!” Candace stormed out of the yard. “Gotta go, Stacy. Have fun at the mall,” she said before hanging up and hopping on her bike.

Phineas’s smile fell from his face as he watched Candace pedal away. He thought his sister might’ve had a change of heart from last summer and actually join in on the fun for once. Especially since he was planning on stepping things up a notch this summer. But alas, it looked like Candace only cared about ‘busting’ him and Ferb…whatever that meant. All their building permits were in order, so there’s no problem, right? 

“We’re going to need a blowtorch and some more peanut butter,” Phineas said to Ferb before climbing down the rollercoaster to access his toolbox. 

Just as Phineas began digging through his toolbox, his neighbor, Isabella, came in through the gate. “Hey, Phineas,” she said.

Phineas barely looked up. “Hey, Isabella.” It wasn’t as if he disliked Isabella. He didn’t. In fact, he considered her his closest friend besides Ferb. But she always came to talk to him when he was busy with something so much cooler than anything she could ever come up with. He wished that she’d just stand back and watch until he and Ferb were done building. That’s when the real show begins.

“What’cha doing?” Isabella asked as she got closer to Phineas that he would’ve liked. 

Phineas scooted away as he continued digging through his toolbox, not even looking up. “Building a rollercoaster.”

“In your backyard?” 

“Some of it.” 

“Wow,” Isabella blinked a few times. “Isn’t that kinda impossible? I mean, it’s a big step up from last summer, don’t’cha think?”

“That’s kinda the point, isn’t it?” Phineas said, his back still to her. “To outshine your previous accomplishments? Never stop improving? Seize the day? That’s our whole motto. Keep up, Isabella.” Phineas looked up at Ferb. “I got the blowtorch and peanut butter! Be right up!”

“Hey, Ferb!” Isabella waved up at Ferb. 

Ferb waved back with the wrench he was holding and gave Phineas a thumbs up. 

Isabella stopped Phineas just as he was about to head back up the rollercoaster hill to continue helping Ferb with the construction. “Wait, Phineas, I was going to go to the pool. Do you wanna come with me?”

Phineas gestured at the rollercoaster. “Kinda in the middle of something here.”

“Oh, um, right,” Isabella kicked her shoe absently in the dirt. “Well, I guess I’ll see ya later then.”

“Okay,” Phineas paused and looked around before heading up the rollercoaster hill. “Hey, where’s Perry?”

Perry waddled off behind the house, quickly standing up on two feet as soon as he was certain is host family hadn’t seen him. He pulled a hat from…somewhere and quickly put it on his head before he pressed a button on a remote that he also pulled from…somewhere, which opened a secret passage on the side of the house. The secret passage gave way to a translucent green tube, which Perry promptly hopped into. He stepped out of the tube into a rather spacious secret lair, with a large flatscreen monitor with the image of an older man with a large white mustache. 

Perry sat down in the chair in front of the monitor and saluted. “Good morning, Agent P,” The man with the mustache, Major Monogram, said to Perry. “The evil Dr. Doofensmirtz is up to his old tricks. For reasons unknown to us, he bought up 80% of the country’s tin foil. I want you to get over to his hideout right away, find out what he’s up to, and put a stop to it.”

Perry salutes before jumping on his hover-car and flying towards Dr. Doofensmirtz’s ‘secret’ hideout. Perry’s hover-car happens to fly past Phineas and Ferb standing at the top of their in-progress rollercoaster construction, so he tilted his fedora to hide his face from their view, though he doubted they were paying that much attention to their surroundings when they were that engrossed in one of their projects.

Candace found her mom at the grocery store. “Mom, you have to come home right now.”

“And you couldn’t have called me because…?” Linda asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Because you weren’t answering!” Candace groaned indignantly. “Stop keeping your phone on Do Not Disturb! This is important!”

“Did a rogue rollercoaster car catch on fire and crash into the house?” Linda asked sarcastically as she placed a box of cereal into the cart. 

“No, but Phineas and Ferb are building a rollercoaster, which could, in theory, catch on fire and crash into the house, so you gotta come home!” Candace followed Linda as she continued to push her cart along the aisle, periodically adding more items to the cart as she saw fit. 

“Wouldn’t that make you in charge?” Linda paused to read the back of a cereal box. “I thought you’ve gotten over that overactive imagination you’ve got there, Candace.”

“Overactive—what do you mean overactive?” Candace spluttered indignantly. 

“I seem to recall you telling me last summer that the boys were training monkeys to juggle bicycles in the backyard, and when I came home there was  a stunning lack of monkeys.” Linda placed the cereal box in the cart, seemingly satisfied with the ingredients. 

“I still don’t know how they clean it up so fast,” Candace said with a puzzled expression. 

“Well, my point is, aren’t you a little old to be imagining things like that? I mean, isn’t Phineas a little too young to be a rollercoaster engineer?”

“Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t building a fucking rollercoaster!” Candace shouted in exasperation as she continued to follow her mother through the grocery store.

“Language, dear,” Linda said absently, causing Candace to groan loudly. 

Meanwhile, Perry kicked in a window on the top floor of Dr. Doofensmirtz building just as Andrew entered the building’s lobby. He paused. He could’ve worn he heard a crash of some sort, but he supposed it was probably the sound of Phineas and Ferb hammering away at the rollercoaster track that was just outside Vanessa’s building. 

Andrew shrugged as he entered the elevator, humming along to the catchy jingle that played every time someone operated the elevator. “Doofensmirtz Evil Incoporated.”

Stepping off the elevator, Andrew knocked twice, then three more times, letting Vanessa know it was him. 

“It’s open,” Vanessa called from inside, so Andrew walked in, tossing his backpack down on the floor. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Andrew said as he took a seat next to Vanessa on her bed. “Phineas and Ferb tried to rope me into the latest project and I lost track of time. I swear, somehow luck is on their side because if I tried to build a rollercoaster that went all over Danville, I’d get my ass Final Destinationed.”

Vanessa laughed, slapping Andrew on the back. “You are a walking hazard. Remember when you fell through that manhole and got chased by that crocodile through the sewers?”

“Don’t remind me,” Andrew flopped forward on the bed, his head landing in Vanessa’s lap. “That was just a really off day. My luck isn’t usually that shitty. It was like I got hit with a bad luck ray or something.”

Vanessa seemed to remember what her dad’s inator of choice happened to be the date of the Sewer Incident. She let out an awkward chuckle. “Or something.”

“So, you ready to listen to All Time Low’s new album?” Andrew said, pulling out the CD. “I know we could listen on Spotify but physical media’s the superior version.”

“Okay, boomer-lite,” Vanessa nudged him as she playfully rolled her eyes. “Surprised you didn’t opt to buy a vinyl instead.”

Andrew nudged her back, laughing, “Respect your elders. And for the record, I didn’t get a vinyl because you don’t have a record player.” He stuck out his tongue at her.

“You’re such a child,” Vanessa rolled her eyes but she couldn’t hide the smile tugging on her lips. “And if we’re being technical, I’m your elder, so you better practice what you preach.”

“You are two weeks older than me,” Andrew said with fake outrage. “Two weeks.” 

“And that makes me your elder,” Vanessa flicked Andrew’s forehead. “And as your elder, I vote that we listen to the new album at the park. It’s a nice day outside.”

“But physical media, ‘Nessa,” Andrew fake-whined.  “Don’t kill the vibe.”

“Again, child,” Vanessa playfully shoved Andrew as she stood up. “Come on. You don’t actually give a shit how we listen to the album, do you?”

“No,” Andrew grumbled, trying to fight the urge to smile. He had to commit to the bit, damn it! “Let’s go to the park.”

A Few Moments earlier…

Perry parked his hover-car on the roof of Dr. Doofensmitz’s building. Using his grappling hook, Perry swung himself towards Doofenshmirtz’s window, kicking the glass in and landing in a crouch on the ground. 

A man wearing a lab coat turned to Perry. “Ah, Perry the Platypus, what an unexpected surprise. And by unexpected, I mean…completely expected!” He slammed his hand against a totally inconspicuous red button with the words ‘Arms’ above it. 

Robotic arms came out from the walls, each arm grabbing one of Perry’s limbs, immobilizing him about a foot off the ground. Perry glared at Dr. Doofensmirtz. As far as first impressions go, Perry was far from charmed. But what did he expect? He was fighting an evil scientist after all. 

“I, Dr. Heinz Doofensmirtz, have covered the entire eastern seaboard with tinfoil!” Heinz gestured out the window. To Perry’s surprise, the buildings were actually all covered in tinfoil. This left Perry with several questions, mostly how he could acquire so much tinfoil and cover an entire skyline with that much tinfoil in such a short amount of time. 

Heinz walked over to a giant magnet. “And when I put my giant magnet next to my ingenious Magnetism-Magnifier-Inator,” Heinz pointed to a spot on the blueprint to his Inator. “I will pull the east in a westerly direction, thereby reversing the rotation of the Earth!”

Perry looked on with a rather unimpressed expression. He immediately begun attempted to break out of his trap, tapping on the robotic arms that were holding him, testing their sturdiness. 

Heinz, none the wiser to Perry’s escape plans, continued monologuing. “Now, you may well ask yourself, why would he do this? What could he possibly have to gain? Well, let me just answer: I haven’t really worked out all the bugs yet.”

Perry noticed a screw on the ground that was within reach of his tail. He narrowed his eyes. 

“I mean, you know, the tin foil alone cost a lot,” Heinz rambled on, pacing back and forth in front of the giant magnet. 

Candace continued following her mom around the grocery store. “But Mom, I’m telling you, they’re building it and it’s huge!” Candace turned around, her eyes narrowing as she witnessed Ferb hanging up a poster for the rollercoaster’s unveiling on a nearby pillar. 

As Ferb walked away, Candace rushed over to the poster. “Phineas and Ferb present the coolest coaster ever…now open?” Candace read out loud from the post in disbelief. Candace stormed off, calling for her mom to come see the poster as she tried to catch up with her.

As Candace sped-walked away from the poster, three boys who were in Phineas and Ferb’s grade at school gathered around the poster. “Whoa, Phineas and Ferb built a rollercoaster?” The boy with black hair said. “That’s so cool! This is a big step-up from last summer. The monkey thing was kinda lame.”

“Speak for yourself,” A boy with dirty blond hair said. “I thought the monkey thing was way cool.”

“Do you think we’ll get a discount if we bring the poster, Django?” A boy with red hair and glasses asked. 

“Who knows?” Django said with a shrug. “We better take it just to be safe.”

The boy with black hair ripped the poster off the pillar before running off, his two friends following him. The boys accidentally bump into an Indian boy wearing blue overalls. “Sorry,” Django said to the boy. “Didn’t see ya there.”

“No worries. I am not injured,” The boy wearing overalls said as he dusted himself off. “Might I ask where you are going in such a rush?”

“Phineas and Ferb built a rollercoaster,” The red haired boy said, pushing his glasses up on his nose. “We have to hurry so we don’t miss it. They always build the coolest things every summer. You don’t want to miss it.”

“I have not heard of this Phineas and Ferb company,” The boy wearing overalls said, scratching his head. “Are they known for building rollercoasters? I thought Danville only had a water park, not an amusement park.”

“You must be new,” The boy with black hair said, slinging his arm over the Indian boy’s shoulder. “I’m Tyler, and these two are Django and Irving. Phineas and Ferb were in our class last year and every time school’s out, they build the craziest stuff imaginable! One time, they built the world’s biggest bouncy castle! It was epic! You should’ve seen it!”

“My name is Baljeet,” The new boy said, discreetly removing Tyler’s arm from his shoulder. “I just moved here from—”wait, did you say Phineas and Ferb are your classmates? Do they not seem a little young to be rollercoaster engineers?”

“Yeah, but you get used to it,” Tyler said with a shrug. “They’re just cool like that.”

Irving noticed Baljeet’s apprehension. “Everything is totally up to code. They get building permits and everything! They’re the coolest!” 

“You should come with us,” Django said as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “It’ll be fun!”

“I guess it would not hurt to see what all the fuss is about,” Baljeet said thoughtfully. “I suppose I shall come along with you all.”

“Sweet!” Tyler grabbed Baljeet’s hand. “Let’s go! We took the flyer they put up, so hopefully we’ll get in for free!”

“Get in for free?” A taller, stockier boy about the same age as Baljeet said from behind them, tossing his soda can on the ground as he grabbed the poster from Tyler’s hand. “If anyone’s gonna ride this thing, it’s gonna be me, not you lousy extras.”

“Hey, that was incredibly rude of you,” Baljeet exclaimed, getting up in the bully’s face. “You give that poster back to Tyler right now! Find another poster if you want to get in for free.”

The bully narrowed his eyes at Baljeet. “Are you trying to start something, nerd? Do you even know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” Baljeet said, tapping his foot impatiently. “My family just moved here last week. How on Earth would I know who you are?”

“Listen up, scrub,” The bully said, shoving Baljeet roughly against the wall. “The name’s Buford. And I’m not someone you wanna mess with. So stay the hell outta my way if you know what’s good for ya.” Buford crumpled up the poster and shoved Baljeet one more time for good measure before walking out of the grocery store.

“Looks like we aren’t getting in for free,” Django said dejectedly. He extended his hand to help Baljeet to his feet. “You alright? People usually don’t stand up to Buford like that. The last one who tried ended up getting swirlies and wedgies for weeks.”

“I do not envy whoever that was,” Baljeet said, rubbing his back before taking Django’s hand. “Buford sounds like a real piece of work. I think I shall sit this whole rollercoaster event out. I do not want to encounter that bully again.”

“Oh, come on, don’t let him ruin your fun,” Tyler said, slinging his arms across Django and Baljeet’s shoulders. “Phineas and Ferb make the coolest inventions. And besides, Buford wouldn’t dare bother us while we’re there. Phineas and Ferb’s older brother is a black belt in taekwondo and totally threatened to give Buford a thrashing the next time he tried anything. Andrew’s the coolest.”

“You’re right, Tyler,” Django said with a smile. “Come on, Baljeet. We shouldn’t let one jerk ruin our day. What do you say, friend? Do you wanna ride the coolest coaster ever?”

After a moment, Baljeet flashed Django and Tyler a shaky smile and nodded. “Yes. Buford will not spoil our fun. To the rollercoaster!”

Meanwhile, Candace dragged her mom to the pillar. “See? I told you I’m not crazy! I told you!”

Linda just stared at her daughter and sighed. “And you’re not crazy because…?” 

Candace just screamed at the now poster-less pillar. 

“I see your point, Candace,” Linda said sarcastically. “No crazy person would scream at a pillar like that. Now, if you need me, I’ll be in the dairy aisle if you’d like to scream at some cheese.”

Meanwhile, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet, Django, Tyler, and Irving got in line for the rollercoaster. Ferb let them all inside a large tent before he stood on stage. He tapped the microphone twice to test it before stepping aside to let Phineas speak.

“Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, may I present to you a spectacle most of the morning in the making: The Coolest! Coaster! Ever!” 

Ferb punctuated each word of the coaster’s title with a guitar riff.

“Where did he pull that guitar from?” Baljeet whispered to Django.

Django just shrugged. “Don’t read too much into it.”

Ferb then pulled down a rope that made the tent collapse to the ground around them, revealing the largest rollercoaster that the kids had ever seen. A bird flew into one of the hills and fell to the ground, leaving the crowd in a stunned silence.

“So, who wants to go first?” Phineas asked. 

To Baljeet’s surprise, everyone still raised their hands. Not wanting to be left out, he raised his hand as well. 

Phineas gave a mini safety demonstration as the coaster car slowly inched up the hill. “Alright, that’s it. Enjoy the ride!” The car paused at the top of the hill. “You all signed the waivers, right?” 

No one was given time to answer before the car plummeted down the hill. Screams echoed through the city as the coaster raced forward, Baljeet’s loudest of all. “I so regret doing this!”

Meanwhile, the screams from the rollercoaster made Andrew look up while he was walking through the park entrance, nearly stumbling into Vanessa, who had paused to watch the rollercoaster speed by. “Did your brothers build that?”

“Probably. Doubt anyone else was planning on building a rollercoaster today,” Andrew said with a shrug before walking over to the nearest park bench, patting the seat next to him. “So, you want to listen to the new album or what?”

“Yeah, I’m coming,” Vanessa said as she sat down next to Andrew, popping in an earbud. 

Meanwhile, Perry used his tail to launch a screw at Heinz as he was rambling about the finances of his scheme. Heinz ducked effortlessly. “Ha! You missed!”

Heinz spoke too soon. The screw ricocheted from ceiling lights, launching the screw right into Heinz’s foot. Heinz immediately clutched his foot, jumping backwards in his attempts to get the screw out. “Ow! Ow! Son of a—“” Heinz realized he bumped into the button that would realize Perry from his trap. “Oh shit.”

Perry immediately leapt into action, socking Heinz right in the jaw. Heinz grabbed a wrench in an attempt to fend Perry off, but Perry parried with another wrench. Perry backed Heinz into a corner before slamming the butt of the wrench into Heinz’s foot, the same spot where Perry embedded the screw.

Heinz cried out in pain, dropping his own wrench, before throwing one of his old Inators at Perry, who easily jumped over it. The old inator continued to roll away, crashing through the window and falling to the sidewalk below. 

“You’re too late!” Heinz gloated as he pushed a level that retracted the roof and raised the Magnet-Magnifying-Inator from the floor below. Heinz fired up the Inator, lining up the scope so that it would have a clean shot of the eastern seaboard.

“Quake in your boots and watch helplessly as the unimaginable electromagnetic forces pull the eastern seaboard thereby reversing the rotation of the—” Heinz’s gloating was interrupted as the magnet did not, in fact, reverse the rotation of the Earth. Instead, the tin foil was just pulled over the buildings. “Well, that didn’t work.”

Heinz watched as the tin foil formed into a ball as the giant magnet continued to pull it closer. “And now we have a two ton ball of tin foil 200 miles an hour directly at us!” Heinz shouted in panic before rushing over to the Inator. “Quickly, Perry the Platypus! We must separate the magnet from the magnifier before it is too late!”

Perry began his attempt at pulling the magnet away from the magnifier while Heinz attempted to pull the magnifier in the opposite direction. He knew he was supposed to assist his new nemesis, but he didn’t want the man to get crushed by a ball of tin foil either. Plus Heinz wasn’t the only resident in the building. Perry had innocent lives to protect!

Meanwhile, at the grocery store, Linda was digging through her purse trying to find her club card to pay for groceries when Candace heard the sounds of the rollercoaster rushing by. She ran outside to see the rollercoaster track in the mall parking lot 

“Mom!” Candace shouted, pointing at the rollercoaster. She ran over to get Linda to come see the rollercoaster, hoping this would be the time she finally busts her brothers.

Meanwhile, Heinz was having a little bit of a breakdown as he realized his attempts of separating the magnet from the magnifier was a hopeless endeavor. “It’s not use! We are doomed!” He sobbed. “Tell Vanessa that I love her!”

Perry notices a helicopter going by. He quickly ties a rope around the giant magnet and then lassos the other end of the rope around the helicopter. Perry and the giant magnet were pulled away by the helicopter just as the giant tin foil ball crashed into Heinz’s building, taking Heinz with it. Perry cringed a little bit; he intended to prevent the tin foil ball from causing any harm, even to his nemesis. Well, thankfully it seemed that the tin foil ball only destroyed Heinz’s floors of the building.

Wait, Heinz said something about a Vanessa. Perry’s eyes widened in realization. That’s not the same Vanessa as Andrew’s friend, right? Perry frantically called Andrew’s watch.

The call from Agent P on his watch made Andrew jump out of his skin. He paused the music. “One sec, Vanessa. It’s from work.”

Andrew retreated a short distance away so that Vanessa was out of earshot. “Agent P, is everything okay?”

Is Vanessa okay? Perry signed to Andrew through his watch. 

Andrew glanced over his shoulder at Vanessa. She waved back at him. He blushed and returned his gaze to his watch. “Yeah, she’s fine. We’re at the park. Why? Is something wrong?”

Don’t worry about it, Perry signed back. Gotta go. Have fun on your date. He hung up on Andrew before he could protest that it was not a date.

“What was that about?” Vanessa asked as Andrew sat back down. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Andrew said, popping his earbud back in. “Just a weird work thing.”

Meanwhile, the helicopter flew above the rollercoaster track, lifting it up and flying away with it just as Candace successfully brought Linda outside. “Okay, I give up. What am I supposed to be looking at?”

“No!” Candace gripped her cheeks with her hands. “It’s not possible! It was just here!”

Linda sighed. “I’m gonna go get the cart.”

“No, it was right here and it was huge!” 

Linda walked past Candace with the cart. “Hurry up, Candace. I got frozens.”

“Okay, okay.” Candace followed her. “So you still think Phineas and Ferb are still under that stupid tree in the backyard, right?”

“Well, yes, that would be my guess,” Linda replied as she pushed the cart.

“Fine!” Candace snatched the cart from Linda and ran to the car. “Let’s go home! Now!”

Meanwhile, Perry cut the rope that attached him and the magnet to the helicopter, dropping the rollercoaster back on the ground about a mile away from its original spot. 

Perry dropped into the rollercoaster car next to Isabella. He quickly threw his fedora onto Isabella’s head without her noticing before crouching back down to all fours, doing his usual mindless chatter.

Phineas turned around. “Oh, there you are, Perry.” He glanced up at Isabella, wondering if she’d always worn that hat. “Nice hat, Isabella.”

Isabella took the hat off as Phineas turned back around. She inspected it closely, wondering how she ended up wearing someone else’s fedora. She also wondered how Perry ended up next to her on the rollercoaster. I was probably too distracted by Phineas, she thought to herself.

The rollercoaster track ended up abruptly as the car roughly raced down the road. The car used the back of a dump truck as a ramp, launching the car into the sky. The car got caught by a crane, tossing it even further in the air as it spun around. Baljeet’s face paled before he threw up all over Buford in the seat in front of him. Buford turned around to face him. He mimed slitting his throat as he glared daggers into Baljeet’s eyes.

The car landed on the tail of an airplane as Baljeet screamed from both the impending doom of the runaway rollercoaster and impending threat that Buford poised if they were to land in one piece.

“I’m sure this is new,” Phineas said to Ferb, unaware of the fear of the other occupants.

Linda’s car pulled into the driveway. “Okay, we’re here. Are you happy now, Candace?”

Candace quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and rushed out to the backyard, laughing maniacally. “See, Mom? I told you they weren’t there!”

The rollercoaster car dislodged itself from the plane, crashing into the tree in Phineas and Ferb’s backyard. “We should’ve charged more,” Phineas decided. Ferb simply nodded.

Phineas grabbed Perry before jumping down from the tree with Ferb following right behind him. 

Linda waved at the boys as she poked her head over the fence to see whatever Candace wanted to show her. “Oh, hi, boys!” Linda narrowed her eyes at Candace before dragging her away. “Come on, Candace, help me with the groceries.”

Candace protested as she was dragged away. “But…but…but…”

Irving leaped down from the tree. “That was incredible, Phineas!”

“Way too cool!” Tyler piped in. 

“That was actually better than the money thing,” Django said as he swung down. 

“That was great, Phineas,” Isabella said. “So, what are you gonna do tomorrow?”

“We actually have a family vacation to London tomorrow,” Phineas said with a smile. “But I’m sure we’ll do something cool on the plane.”

“Maybe you could teach Perry some tricks,” Isabella said while petting Perry. 

“Well, he is a platypus,” Phineas said with a shrug. “They don’t do much.”

“They’re the only mammals to lay eggs,” Ferb chimed in.

Phineas blinked at Ferb for a moment. “Maybe he’ll lay an egg on the plane.”

Isabella smiled. “Cool, well, send me pictures of London when you land. Bye, Phineas! It really was the coolest coaster ever!”

Meanwhile, Buford dragged Baljeet to the other side of the fence. “You know, I was gonna give you a pass earlier since you’re new, but then you had to get your gross vomit all over me! This is my nice shirt!” Buford gestured down to his skull t-shirt. It had a few stains on it already and a small hole near the bottom.

“This is your nice shirt?” Baljeet asked incredulously. “Are we referring to the same shirt? Because it looks rather—”

Buford tightened his grip on Baljeet’s shirt as he shoved him against the fence. “Shut up! Don’t talk shit about my shirt, you got that? I gotta a knuckle sandwich for ya if you wanna get mouthy with me, you son of a—”

Buford paused when he heard Andrew’s skateboard pull up behind him. “What’s going on here?” Andrew crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Nothing, boss.” Buford released Baljeet, dropping him unceremoniously on the driveway. “I was just going.” 

“You alright?” Andrew offered his hand to Baljeet. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. I’m Andrew, Phineas and Ferb’s older brother.”

“Uh, I…I am Baljeet,” Baljeet said, taking Andrew’s hand and getting to his feet. “Thank you for the help. Buford seems to have it out for me.”

“Yeah, he used to give my brothers a hard time too,” Andrew said, sending a glare towards Buford, causing the boy to speed up. “But I took care of things. Let me know if he bothers you again.”

“You are a life savior,” Baljeet said. “Well, I best be going now. That rollercoaster ride was far too much for me.”

Andrew waved goodbye to the kid as he walked inside the backyard. Time to pack for London. So not looking forward to having to come out to Grandma and Grandma

Chapter Text

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Leaving For London

Andrew sipped his coffee at the kitchen table, hoping that the caffeine would actually calm his nerves instead of making his anxiety worse. The thought of coming out to his grandparents made his heart nearly beat right out of his chest but the thought of his family needing to deadname him the entire trip also made him want to bash his head against the table. 

Andrew sighed as he stood up, nearly tripping over his suitcase as he made his way over to the coffee maker. As the coffee slowly poured into the pot, his mind was filled with images of every possible worst-case scenario. His fingers drummed against the counter with growing impatience, his quickening heart beating in sync with his fingers. 

Perry bumped against his leg, bringing a pause to Andrew’s anxious drumming. Perry gave a short chatter, tilting his head slightly to convey his silent message. You okay?

“I’m fine, Perry,” Andrew said as he reached down to pat Perry’s head. “Just nervous about coming out to my grandparents. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m just overthinking.”

Perry risked a look around the room to make sure the coast was clear before hugging Andrew. I’m sure it will go much better than you think it will, Perry signed to him. 

“I know, I know,” Andrew said with a sigh as he poured the second batch of coffee into his mug. “But it’s still nerve-wracking, you know? I mean, I know they won’t react too badly, but it could still make the whole trip awkward as hell, and we’re gonna be there the whole week. And I don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

“Just say the same way you said it to us,” Candace said as she entered the kitchen. “Believe me, if they don’t think I’m crazy, then you’re in the clear.” She then glanced down at Andrew’s mug. “Why are you using my Ducky Momo mug?”

Andrew looked at the mug as if he was seeing it for the first time. “Oh. Sorry. I kinda just picked the first mug I saw.”

“Wow, this whole thing is really weighing on you, huh?” Candace said with a chuckle. She took the mug out of Andrew’s hands. “Well, thanks for making me coffee. Go grab one of your weird emo mugs and relax. They’re not gonna treat you any differently.”

“Just because you don’t appreciate Black Veil Brides doesn’t make it weird, Candace.” Andrew rolled his eyes, but a slight smile began to tug on his lips. “And thanks. I owe you one.”

Candace didn’t miss a beat. “Help me bust Phineas and Ferb next time then.”

“You know even if I help you, Mom probably still won’t see any of it, right?” Andrew said as he poured his coffee into a new mug. “I mean, if she hasn’t by now, there’s probably some mysterious force keeping them from getting busted.” 

“That’s it!” Candace exclaimed, slamming her fist down on the table. “Mysterious force! There’s a mysterious force preventing me from busting Phineas and Ferb! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that before!”

“It’s too early for this,” Andrew sighed. “I was joking.”

Candace acted like she didn’t hear him. “I won’t let the mysterious force keep getting in my way! Come on, you have to help me at least once. Maybe then Mom won’t think I’m crazy.”

“I’ll consider it,” Andrew said as he took a sip of his coffee, trying to think of ways to distract Candace from busting her younger brothers. “But I think you’d have more fun if you just joined in sometimes. They think of the coolest stuff.”

“You haven’t seen nothing yet. We’re just getting started,” Phineas quipped as he entered the kitchen. “Oh, there you are, Perry.” He scooped up Perry into his arms. “Mom said we needed to put him in his travel crate. She also says we’re leaving in 10 minutes to get breakfast, so as she says ‘get a move on.’”

“Do we have time to get breakfast beforehand? We board at eleven,” Andrew asked but Phineas had already walked away with Perry. “Well, I’m sure it will work out somehow. Things always do.”

Candace snorted. “Speak for yourself.”

Heinz had just gotten discharged from the hospital. The rogue tinfoil ball broke his leg but somehow didn’t break anything else, so he was feeling pretty lucky all things considered. Only the sounds of drills, banging, and the scratching of his crutches against his metal floor greeted him as he hobbled up the stairs to his penthouse. “The elevator just had to be out of order, huh?” Heinz complained to himself as he took the stairs at a snail’s pace. “Curse you, Perry the Platypus.”

As Heinz finally reached his penthouse, he was greeted by several construction workers, who were already hard at work fixing his half-demolished penthouse. “Should be fixed in about a week,” One of the workers called over his shoulder. 

“Oh, perfect!” Heinz exclaimed. “I’m actually going on a trip to London for an evil convention so I won’t even be here! Finally, something seems to be going right for a change! And Perry the Platypus won’t even be there! This is perfect! Maybe I’ll get a new nemesis who won’t land me in the hospital.” 

Heinz paused for a moment. “Well, now that I think about it, it was actually the giant ball of tin foil that destroyed my penthouse and landed me in the hospital, but he still didn’t do anything to help me. I have every right to be pissed at him.”

The construction worker slowly blinked at him before raising his eyebrow. “So you’re telling me that you have beef with a platypus. Is this some kind of metaphor I’m not getting?”

“No, I’m telling you that my new nemesis is a platypus,” Heinz said, crossing his arms, which caused him to drop his crutches, almost causing him to fall forward on his face, but the construction worker caught him at the last moment. “He’s not a metaphor. He’s a devious little creature who’s out to get me!”

“Okayyyy.” The construction worker picked up Heinz’s crutches and handed them off to Heinz before backing away. “I’m just gonna go back to work now. Good luck with…whatever you’re doing with your life.”

Meanwhile, in Perry’s travel carrier, Perry sneezed.

“Oh no, I hope Perry’s not getting sick,” Phineas said, leaning over as far as the seatbelt would let him to take Perry’s temperature. 

“He’s fine,” Andrew said as he took a bite from his breakfast burrito, barely looking up from his phone. “Wait, where did you pull that thermometer from?”

“You can never be too prepared,” Phineas replied.

Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose. “That didn’t answer my question.”

His question would remain unanswered. 

Linda parked the car at the airport. “Alright, make sure you throw your trash away. I don’t want this car smelling like a dump when we get back.”

Andrew bunched up his wrappers and shot it into the trash can. “Bullseye.” Ferb fist bumped him before landing an even more impressive shot. Andrew snorted and ruffled Ferb’s hair. “You always gotta outdo me, huh?”

Ferb simply shrugged before taking his suitcase out of the trunk. Andrew rolled his eyes as he wheeled his suitcase behind him, taking one last sip of his drink before absently tossing it behind him, missing the trash can completely. 

As the family headed over to check their bags, Candace was in the middle of an argument with the attendant. “It’s only one pound over the limit! Who cares!”

Andrew sighed and rolled his eyes. “Of course.” He walked over, wordlessly unzipped Candace’s suitcase and held out her coat. “Why’d you even bring this? It’s summer.”

“It gets cold in England.” Candace snatched the coat from Andrew. “And don’t go through my stuff!”

“Just wear it, Candace,” Andrew said, tapping his foot. “It should take off the extra pound. Or I can run it back to the car because you really don’t need it.”

“Don’t tell me what I need and don’t need!” But Candace was already putting on the coat. “Is it under 50 pounds now?”

The attendant gave her an unimpressed look before nodding. Candace huffed and stormed over to the rest of the family. Andrew flashed an awkward smile at Linda before following Candace. 

“Thanks for the help, Andrew,” Linda said as he walked by her.

Meanwhile, outside of Heinz’s car, Heinz was zapping all of his belongings in his suitcase with his De-Massifying-Inator so that his suitcase would be under the weight limit. A couple passed by him in the airport parking lot, giving him an odd look before moving along. 

“You pay the extra $50 ‘heavy baggage’ fee,” Heinz muttered under his breath. “You know, it’s those greedy airlines who are truly evil, you know. All these hidden fees. Even the fees have fees! I’m just getting my money’s worth.” 

Another random passerby gave him a weird glance before clearing his throat. Heinz glared at him in return. “What? I’ll have you know it’s perfectly normal to talk to yourself.”

“You know, it’s kinda weird to talk to yourself,” Andrew said to Candace as they were waiting in line to go through security. 

“It’s just not fair that I have to wear this jacket because my bag was overweight when their bags were perfectly fine!” Candace argues, gesturing broadly at Phineas and Ferb in front of them.

“You know, Candace, we would’ve been happy to lend you our shrink-ray if you had asked,” Phineas said, turning around to face Candace.

Candace gestured at Phineas again, exhaling hard through her nostrils in exaggerated anger. “See what I mean?”

Andrew just blinked at her tiredly. “Sounds to me like they just planned ahead. Again, I don’t see how you even need the jacket. It’s gonna be like 25 degrees.”

“Exactly!” Candace exclaimed, earning the ire of the people around her in line. An awkward grin spread across her face as she did a half-sorry wave to those behind her in line before turning back to Andrew. “And besides, you never know what crazy concoction Phineas and Ferb might come up with! They could make it snow in the summer for all I know!”

“Don’t give them any ideas,” Andrew chuckled. “But I meant 25 Celsius. I forget to convert back to Fahrenheit for you guys sometimes.” 

“Candace, please take that coat off,” Linda said, turning around as she gave her daughter her boarding pass. “You’re going to get pulled aside for extra screening.”

“Young lady, you need to come over here for extra screening,” A TSA agent said, pointing at Candace.

“Oh, come on,” Candace groaned as she followed the TSA agent. 

“Oh, come on,” Heinz groaned as he got in line for security. “What do you mean my TSA pre-check expired? This is just great! I’m already running late as it is. It’s like the whole universe is conspiring against me.”

“At least you aren’t being pulled aside for extra screening,” The person next to him said.

“It’s like the whole universe conspiring against me,” Candace groaned into her suitcase as she finally joined the rest of her family at the gate. “Just because I was ‘behaving erratically’ and ‘had a suspiciously large coat’ does not mean I had to get extra screening.”

“I mean, when you put it like that…” Andrew said, earning him a punch to his shoulder. “What? I’m not wrong.”

“Can it. The whole wearing the coat thing was your idea,” Candace said through her teeth. 

“Fair enough,” Andrew said, sipping his 4th cup of coffee of the day. “But the erratic behavior was all on you.”

“I don’t know how Phineas and Ferb don’t make you erratic,” Candace grumbled under her breath.

“I’m just cool like that,” Andrew said, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Your hands are shaking worse than Isabella’s chihuahua,” Candace deadpanned.

Andrew looked down at his hands, seeming to notice the shaking for the first time. “Maybe drinking four cups of coffee was not the move.”

Perry chattered from his crate. 

“I don’t wanna hear it, Perry,” Andrew said with a sigh. “I know I shouldn’t have had so much coffee when I was already fucking anxious. I don’t need your sass.”

“And now you’re talking to the platypus like he can understand you,” Candace said with an amused huff. “Who’s erratic now?”

“Well, talking to platypi is very normal, actually,” Heinz said from behind them. “In my experience, they aren’t the best listeners though.” Candace and Andrew turned around. 

“Who the hell are you?” Candace asked, narrowing her eyes at him at the same time as Andrew said, “Oh, hey, Dr. D.”

“Oh, Andrew, what a pleasant surprise,” Heinz said, taking a seat next to him. Perry’s eyes widened just slightly from his spot inside his crate, but Andrew didn’t notice. “Vanessa mentioned that you were flying to London today. She seemed rather bummed out. Visiting family I assume?”

Andrew leaned forward, placing his head in his hands. “Yeah.”

“You don’t seem super excited,” Heinz said, tilting his head. “You haven’t told them, have you?”

Andrew shook his head. “I’m sure they’ll react fine, but…you know…I can’t help but think of everything that can go wrong.”

“You know, just because my family never accepted me, it doesn’t mean they won’t accept you,” Heinz said after a moment. “I was already the black sheep in my family long before I came out. From what I heard, your grandparents care a lot about you. Even if they don’t quite understand, I’m sure they’ll come around eventually. And if they don’t, I can zap them with one of my Inatots.”

“I’m sure zapping them with an Inator won’t be necessary,” Andrew let out a small chuckle. “But thanks, Dr. D.”

“Now boarding Group A for Flight 218 to London Heathrow.” 

Andrew stood up and stretched before grabbing Perry’s carrier. “Well, that’s us. See ya later, Dr. D.” 

“Was that Vanessa’s dad?” Candace asked Andrew as they waited in line to board. 

“Yep,” Andrew said, struggling to hold both Perry and his backpack. “He said that Vanessa was bummed that I was leaving. Can you believe that?”

“She’s your best friend,” Candace said as she texted something to Stacy, not really looking up at Andrew. “Of course she’d be a little bummed that you’re leaving for a week.”

“Yeah, that’s probably all it is,” Andrew said with a sigh. “Shouldn’t read too much into it.”

Meanwhile, Vanessa sat at the food court in the mall. She stared at the message that she’d written three different times, all worded only slightly differently. “He hasn’t texted me anything about how his trip is going so far,” Vanessa grumbled to herself. “Ugh, I shouldn’t be reading so much into it. He’s just busy with his family. Why am I so worked up about this?” She swirled with smoothie straw like it had personally offended her.

Baljeet paused as if he was going to sit at the table next to Vanessa’s but after witnessing her talking to herself, he opted to sit at a table further down. He can’t have distractions while doing his homework for summer school, after all.

Meanwhile, on the plane, Ferb had been unwittingly upgraded to First Class. Candace just gaped at him. “This is so not fair,” she grumbled to Andrew as they sat down in their Business Class seats. 

“It’s not too much of a difference,” Andrew said with a shrug. “Besides, shouldn’t this be a good thing? Now Phineas and Ferb are separated so you won’t have to worry about them doing something crazy on the flight.” He popped one of his earbuds in. “Just relax. We’ll be in London soon enough.”

“Says the one who’s still fucking shaking like crazy,” Candace snarked before sending one last text to Stacy before putting her phone on airplane mode. 

“It’s just the coffee this time,” Andrew lied through his teeth. “I’m totally calm. My talk with Dr. D really put things into perspective.”

Andrew ignored Perry’s disbelieving expression from his carrier at Andrew’s feet. “I’m the chillest guy on the plane.”

Candace chose not to comment on that. She just snorted before putting her eye mask on. “Whatever you say. Wake me up when we land.”

Everything’s going to be fine, Andrew thought to himself. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something.