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The drink in his hand was starting to warm when he heard it.
He didn’t make a single move to see who it was, focusing on the bitter taste of beer on his tongue and swinging his feet looking down at all the cars flying by in the middle of the night.
It was a bit of a funny thought, Hongjoong contemplated. All those people going around their life down there, none of them could have guessed that behind him, at this exact moment, was a divine, celestial being.
An angel.
He waited for him to make his presence known. It wasn’t like he could turn around anyway, something about seeing an angel’s true form making his eyes bleed or whatever it was Seonghwa had once said.
He took another swig from his can and tried to reign in the storm of emotions wrecking him.
“Drinking on the edge of a 15 story building is probably not the wisest decision,” Seonghwa said, his smooth deep voice making its way to Hongjoong’s ears.
“Didn’t think you’d care that much,” he replied, failing at holding back the bitterness in his voice.
Seonghwa made his way closer and closer until he was leaning on the short wall Hongjoong was sitting on, he remained standing, facing the opposite direction.
“Why would you think that?” he asked softly, so softly it made Hongjoong angry.
He ignored the question.
“Where have you been?” he asked back, finally turning to look the angel in the face. He looked as beautiful as he always did, his white hair framing his face, his big eyes staring into Hongjoong’s soul.
“It’s been… it’s been a while. I understa-”
“It’s been 78 days,” Hongjoong cut in. “78 days that I waited for you.”
“I know-” Seonghwa squeezed his eyes briefly.
“If you didn’t want to come back anymore you could have just said that” The anger didn’t even stand a chance, all Hongjoong could feel was aching sadness. “I’m just a human after all, what could I do? It’s not like I could hurt you. Just say it, or send some message or something I’m pretty sure it’s not that hard for you to do. Anything… anything would have been better than letting me come here like a fucking idiot every night and wait for nothing.”
He looked away again, the pain that was so visible in Seonghwa’s beautiful eyes was making it hard to hold onto the little anger remaining in him.
“I’m sorry,” Seonghwa whispered.
He chuckled miserably. “Sure, yeah”
“I’m really sorry Hongjoong,” Seonghwa added desperately, “I didn’t want to keep you waiting but … some things are beyond even me”
“Okay,” he answered simply.
“Okay?” Seonghwa asked, unsure, “you forgive me?”
“Well what else can I do?” Hongjoong answered harshly looking back at Seonghwa, “you’ll just sit here and talk to me, or well, I’ll do the talking since you refuse to tell me anything about yourself, then maybe you’ll fuck me and leave. And who knows if I’ll even see you again.”
The shudder that shook Seonghwa’s body almost made him feel bad, he knew the angel didn’t like to refer to their… moments with careless words like that, he knew he thought they were too intimate and sacred to belittle, but Hongjoong wasn’t ready to use such fancy words to refer to something he didn’t know for how long he would have.
Seventy eight days. Seventy eight times he climbed those stairs—brought two cans of beer and ended up drinking both of them—sitting alone in the cold, in the dark, waiting for his angel to visit him, but he never did.
He said he would be back soon.
Those were the last words he heard from his mouth, and then he spent seventy eight days playing them back in his head and laughing at how stupid he was for believing them.
He should have stopped coming, he knew that, that anyone with dignity would have stopped coming but something always pulled him towards this same rooftop every single night.
Desperate, embarrassing hope.
And now the subject of said hope was standing in front of him, with all his glorious beauty and enthralling eyes, yet the sadness was still there.
“I will always come back, Hongjoong,” he said quietly.
“But I didn’t know that,” he murmured, “how would I know that”
“Yeah,” Seonghwa paused, the same calm air still enveloping them, “I’m sorry Hongjoong, I will never make you feel like that again”
Hongjoong felt a sad smile stretch on his lips. “And how will you do that?”
“I will do anything, anything in my power to never leave you waiting again,” he said with determination, a determination that almost made hope bloom in Hongjoong again, but he couldn’t let it. Not after the pain that grew in his heart with every lonely sip, and cold night he spent doing nothing but waiting hopelessly.
He nodded along anyway, letting his eyes stretch over the night scenery. The lights in the distance glowing in all colors, the buzz in the streets even at this late hour. It was quite beautiful, serene, to sit here atop it all and just watch.
“Hongjoong,” he called. When their eyes met, he continued, “You are, to me, more than someone I talk and share a bed with. I can prove it to you, I will prove to you that this won’t happen again”
Hope’s ugly head was rearing its way up again, Hongjoong hated how the other’s words were actually getting to him.
“And how will you do that?” he repeated his question.
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know if that would help, ask me and I'll answer,” he said with conviction.
Hongjoong let the words roll over him, this was a chance he never thought he could have. The angel was always so secretive, so protective of his life, he would sit for hours listening to Hongjoong talk about work, about music, about his friends. He would joke with him, tease him, throw his head back and laugh at him, but he would never share the same things, he would never give anything away freely, he would close down every time Hongjoong tried to pry.
But now he was offering, he was the one laying his heart at Hongjoong’s palm and asking him to pry, he was giving him the chance to know him, and he was too weak to resist.
He didn’t know where to even start, the questions he wanted to ask had been accumulating for months, but none of them were coming to him now.
“You really couldn’t come?” he didn’t care if it was a desperate question, he needed to know that the other didn’t just discard him like used laundry, that he had reasons not to come to him.
Seonghwa looked pained. “I couldn’t,” he murmured.
Hongjoong nodded, choosing to believe him even if it was painful.
“I looked for you,” Seonghwa started, “checked on you as much as I could but I couldn’t come.”
“How did you check on me?”
“I asked .. others to look out for you, tell me how you’ve been”
“I haven’t met any others of your kind though?” he asked, puzzled.
“My kind,” Seonghwa started with a light eye roll, “can see you without you seeing us.”
“Well, that’s creepy.”
Seonghwa laughed, “we’re angels joong, that’s kind of our job.”
Hongjoong hoped he was successful in acting like the name didn’t affect him, it was in moments like these where Seonghwa would let them slip, little nicknames that he made up without Hongjoong telling him.
“So they did it because it’s their job then?”
Seonghwa was quiet for a second, just looking into his eyes before whispering, “No.”
He knew that, but he nodded to the answer anyway.
“So what? There could be one of your coworkers staring at us right now?” The mood was lightening up by the second, and Hongjoong knew deep down, even when he was upset and bitter, that he would forgive Seonghwa in a second.
“Coworkers?” Seonghwa asked, laughing.
“Yeah whatever you call them, or like your boss or something”
“My boss?” Seonghwa asked again, even more incredulous, “you mean who your kind calls God?”
“Oh, so God exists?”
For some reason that made Seonghwa laugh even harder, his head thrown back, with his beautiful long neck on display, a neck that Hongjoong had to stop himself from imagining passing his tongue through every inch of.
“I can’t believe it took you this long to ask this question, humans usually start with it”
Something uncomfortable settled in his guts. “You know other humans?”
“Very few, it’s not on purpose, it never is” he answered, voice heavy, his stare on Hongjoong unbudging, “but somethings happen and it’s beyond our control to stop them”
Hongjoong gulped, “do you regret them? Those things?”
Seonghwa’s eyes stayed glued to his. “I would never regret a thing that brought you to me”
He was glad for the freezing cold of the night to keep his blush at bay, he looked away.
“Okay.” He took a sip from his forgotten beer. “what do you do with these other humans then?” he asked, feigning nonchalance.
“Oh well, it depends.” Seonghwa was being a little shit, his voice teasing, “if they’re tiny, angry, and workaholic I tend to be unable of staying away”
Hongjoong rolled his eyes, even if the words were warming him from within, “and if they’re big, happy, and have a normal working schedule?”
“Well, it doesn’t hurt to make a friend I guess?” Seonghwa mused. “I know one like that actually. All the way down in Namhae, a good guy”
Hongjoong joked, “did he ask if God exists?”
Seonghwa laughed again, what a beautiful sound it was, “yeah he did. He is an atheist so I guess he was worried about ending up in hell or something”
“Oh fuck, I totally forgot about that. Does hell exist? Oh man I’m totally going there”
Seonghwa stiffened slightly at the mention of hell, but quickly loosened up returning to his previous grin, “it’s not like that, don’t worry”
“But God does exist?”
“Well,” the other pondered, “someone is in charge of us, you call call them God if you want I guess”
“Okay then.”
Silence fell on them, as Hongjoong continued to sip on his beer with Seonghwa standing beside him. The angel looked at a watch on his wrist that Hongjoong just now noticed before sliding closer, his shoulder almost touching Hongjoong’s.
“What type of Angel are you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been reading a bit, you know, just trying to understand and there is, like, a lot of stuff about that, archangels and guardian angels, and like every religion has its own version… it’s unending,” he finished, taking another sip.
“You’ve been reading about angels?” Seonghwa uttered with that suffocating fond tone in his voice, that made Hongjoong want to do dumb things like kiss his lips with the most tender touch and give him his whole heart on a platter.
“I’ve said other things after that part,” he scoffed.
Seonghwa rolled his eyes again, Hongjoong didn’t see him but he could tell. “Well the answer to your question is pretty boring, I’m not some grand type of angel who holds the sky or wields to storm or something like that, I mostly just do sky paperwork.”
Hongjoong gaped, “You’re joking.”
“Yes I am,” Seonghwa answered with a self satisfied grin.
“You’re stupid.”
“No paperwork for me, but I do just watch out over stuff here. It's not much most of the time.”
“So you’re a guardian angel then?”
“It feels just like a guard to be honest but sure, it sounds better anyway.”
Another beat of silence.
“Does it get tiring?”
“What does?”
“Your job, guarding from up there?”
“Not really, it’s all we know. We’re supposed to fill our duty as it is, it’s what we were made for. We’re not supposed to want anything else, or desire another life.”
“And do you? desire another life?”
Seonghwa averted his eyes, straightening up and turning his whole body so that he was facing the same way Hongjoong was, looking over the night scenery. “Sometimes I do.”
“Oh yeah? What do you desire?”
“A small house by the beach,” he started.
“A cliche” Hongjoong joked but his ears stayed focused, wanting to hear every breath coming out of the other’s mouth.
A chuckle. “Yeah, probably,” he admitted before moving on, “a human job, night walks with the man I love”
Hongjoong looked away.
He had no way of knowing it was him the other was talking about, if he was talking about anyone at all, he could just be relaying his wild fantasies, but those words coming out of his mouth were enough to make his heart speed.
Seonghwa continued, unaffected, “sleep and wake up beside him, eat human food, have a dog? Or a cat? I don’t really know, I haven’t thought about it much.”
“Well, you’ve clearly thought about it at least,” Hongjoong teased, trying to be lighthearted.
“Yeah, my life changed a few months ago. I started thinking of things I usually never think of”
Hongjoong tried to ignore the fact that he entered the angel’s life a few months ago.
They went silent again, this time he reached for the unopened can of beer beside him, and opening it, he handed it to Seonghwa without looking at him.
The other took it, taking a sip before letting his shoulders touch Hongjoong’s and stay there.
They remained close, sharing warmth in the midst of the cold.
“How is your producer friend? Last time you said he wasn’t doing well?”
Seonghwa always remembered everything he said, but it still filled him with warmth every time.
“He’s alright.” A sip. “Stress was getting to him but he’ll manage”
He felt the other nod.
The angel reached a hand, and rubbing it on his back, it slowly made its way around until he was holding his waist and pulling him closer in some semblance of a side/back hug.
Hongjoong felt a shudder wreck his whole being at being touched by the angel after so long, he let his body relax, leaning back on the other slightly.
They remained like that, the breeze hitting their faces as they drank their beer in silence, enjoying a company both of them missed for so long.
“What’s your actual name?” Hongjoong broke the silence.
“Seonghwa,” the other responded.
“Who even calls you that?” he teased.
“It would still be my name if you were the only one saying it.”
It was when the angel said things like these that it got harder for Hongjoong to kill the hope blooming in his chest.
“It is my name though, or at least the name I go by in my human form. Not many call me that.”
“And what’s your angel name?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
Hongjoong scoffed, too much for I’ll tell you anything.
“No, I mean it,” Seonghwa insisted, tugging on his waist, “like I actually can’t, our language is so different from the human ones, we don’t even have the same sounds. I am physically incapable of saying it to you.”
“Okay,” Hongjoong chuckled, something about hearing the other scrambling over his words to explain himself was so endearing.
“How old are you?” he asked instead.
“Well, listen,” Seonghwa started with a wince, “I swear I’m not just trying to be difficult, but I really don’t know”
Hongjoong turned to him, eyes wide. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I really don’t, I was just here one day and I’ve been doing my job since. It’s been so long though.”
“Doing your job?” Hongjoong felt uneasiness settle in his guts, “Is that all you’ve done? You weren’t like, I don’t know, a child once?”
Seonghwa laughed, “A child? No Hongjoong I was never a child”
“So you’ve just been this since .. forever?” he asked, gesturing to Seonghwa’s body.
“Actually, I picked this form like 300 years ago or something, but overall yes.”
“This form?” Hongjoong was receiving so much information at once, the light buzz of alcohol was making it harder to grasp, “so you can just change?”
“Yes.”
Hongjoong’s left gaping.
“Do you want me to?” Seonghwa asked gently.
“What?”
“Do you want me to look different? I can do that.”
“N... no I … like the way you look” he mumbled, brain barely caught up.
“Thought so,” the angel finished smugly.
Hongjoong was still processing everything when a terrifying thought creeped up on him, “wait,” he turned his face fast to look at the other, “is that someone’s body and you took it?”
For some reason that only made Seonghwa start laughing, “did your research include watching too many movies? No Hongjoong I didn't take over some poor human’s body”
“Oh.” A light blush was warming Hongjoong’s cheeks, “Okay”
“Is there anything else you’d like to know?”
“Maybe, I can’t think of any right now.”
“Okay, I’ll be here when you do.”
Hongjoong barely held back the comment that maybe he won’t, maybe this would be the last time he saw him.
Seonghwa looked down at his watch again, “are you ready to go?” he asked.
Already ?
Hongjoong knew that their nights always ended up with their bodies entangled on the bed sheets, their mouths connected as they drank in every breath and sound coming out of the other’s lips.
It was only a matter of time until they would be walking down the stairs, heading for his apartment.
Ahead of them would be the promise of a night full of passion followed by a lonely morning in a cold bed where Hongjoong would wake up aching and yearning.
It usually took more than this though, they usually talked for longer, shared laughs and giggles and joked about the people passing by on the streets.
“You wanna go downstairs?”
“No.”
“Go where then?” he asked, confused.
Seonghwa looked bashful for a second, he looked away like he was too shy to face him, and it wasn’t a sight that Hongjoong was familiar with. The other got red quite easily when Hongjoong would tease him, or kiss the breath away from his lips, but he was never shy around him.
“I.. uh I want to take you somewhere,” he said finally.
“Where?”
“It’s a surprise,” he murmured.
Hongjoong was getting dizzy, something about the sheepish look on Seonghwa accompanied by the sure demeanor he had this whole night was making him feel all tingly.
He moved his feet to the other side, before hopping down.
“Uh ..” he looked around, “my car is in the parking lot? Should I drive?”
Excuse him for being a bit puzzled, he never really had to go somewhere with an angel.
“You were just drinking and you want to drive?” Seonghwa judged.
“I drank one beer that’s barely drinking,” he defended.
“Well, I’ve never been in a car before so maybe another time you can drive us.”
Another time.
“And what about now?”
Seonghwa smiled, “hold on tight,” he stretched his hands a bit to the side.
“Are you kidding?”
“Nope.”
“You want me to hold onto you and you'll what—fly?”
“If you want, but that will take time.”
“Wait, you’re serious? You can just take me and fly?”
“Hongjoong I can do more than that, not to sound like an asshole but I’m an angel I can do a lot of things.”
“Yeah .. yeah right.. you are .. that.”
“Are you going to come here or not?” he teased.
“Yeah.. sure.”
He didn’t know why he was acting the way he was, it would be far from the first time he touched the other, he did way more than touching him. But this felt different, he was walking into his arms and trusting him with his body to take him to God knows where.
He snaked his arms around Seonghwa’s slim waist and stood there stiffly.
Seonghwa held him back, pulling him in until his head was laying on the angel’s firm chest.
“Relax.” He rubbed on his back.
“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one about to be teleported by an angel.”
Seonghwa chuckled lightly, “I won’t let you fall.”
“Yeah.. sure,” he grumbled.
“Hey,” Seonghwa whispered, his fingers trailing up until they were massaging his scalp and playing with his hair.
“Trust me?”
“Yes,” he whispered, eyes falling closed and arms tightening around the other’s waist.
It should scare him how honest that statement was, and it did a little bit, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Not now, not when Seonghwa was here and holding him close.
“Do you want me to count or-”
“Shut up and do it.”
The last thing he heard were the giggles of the angel before a darkness that seemed to spread out of Seonghwa’s back and envelope them in a hug took over.
He felt the air shift around him, and a dizziness filled his head, he felt so lightheaded and could do nothing but hold tighter.
It felt like forever and at the same time it felt like no time ever.
But soon enough, Seonghwa was easing his grip on him and he slowly started opening his eyes.
It was a beach.
Of course it fucking was.
It was very empty though, just them, the sand under their feet, and the waves moving in the distance.
That was before he looked the other way though, gold lights leading a path into an opening between trees.
It looked like something out of a fantasy novel, so many gold lights, flowers on the sides of the path, and right in the middle of the opening stood a .. cabin?
There was something like a picnic table in front of that cabin, filled and decorated but Hongjoong couldn’t tell with what from where he was standing.
He stood there frozen, Seonghwa moved from his way to stand beside him.
“When did you do this?” he whispered.
“I’ve had help.”
“Wh..why? why wou-” he didn’t get a chance to finish his words before he was interrupted with a cheery voice.
“Well, if it isn’t the man of the hour!”
In a flash, before he could even take in the new presence Seonghwa was in front of him.
“Oh for fuck’s sake Wooyoung, I told you to leave by now,” his voice had a stern lilt to it, one Hongjoong had never heard before.
“And miss my chance of meeting the one and only?” he said as he sidestepped Seonghwa and came face to face with him.
Hongjoong was beyond confused, he had no idea who this man was, he could take a wild guess that it was another angel -or well non human at least, he didn’t know what other beings exist up there- but he didn’t know why he was acting like he was meeting an extraordinary creature.
The man - Wooyoung- kept looking him up and down with a devilish, as ironic as that was, smile on his face.
“Hmm .. Jongho was right I guess,” he hummed.
“Wooyo-”
“Oh come on Seonghwa, let me have this at least.”
The angel sighed deeply, and resigned, he turned towards Hongjoong, “this is Wooyoung, he’s my .. friend, Woo this is -”
“Oh, no need,” the shorter man cut in, a weirdly amused smile plastered on, “tell me Hongjoong, how does it feel being the most famous human in the skies? I don’t think an hour goes by up there without someone mentioning your name.”
Hongjoong started wondering if maybe Seonghwa didn’t come at all and the waiting had finally driven him crazy because who was this man and what was he even talking about.
“What?” was all he could mutter.
“Woo stop,” Seonghwa warned.
“What? You didn’t tell him?”
“Woo I’m telling you right n-”
“What didn’t he tell me?” He found his voice again.
“You, my friend, are the talk of town -that’s what you people say right? I’ve been trying to develop my slang abilities and stuff, you know, it’s hard living for eternity it feels like the world keeps changing around you, but you wouldn’t get that, anyway-”
Hongjoong’s head was spinning, what was he talking about and why was he talking with the speed of lightning.
“- as I was saying, you are very famous, it’s not every day that we see an angel go to hell and back for a human, like literally. And the sky gets boring, you know, so gossip is all they have up there.”
Hongjoong turned terrified eyes to Seonghwa, this man couldn’t be saying what he thought he was right?
The guilty wince that Seonghwa gave him back was the most devastating answer he could have gotten.
“It’s not hell,” he whispered in an attempt to minimize the situation.
“Oh yeah sure,” the shorter agreed easily, almost giving Hongjoong a glimmer of hope, “it’s worse.”
“Wooyoung.” Seonghwa’s voice was getting sharper.
“What?” Wooyoung’s response didn’t carry any of the teasing and smiling he was bearing this whole conversation, if anything it was almost as sharp as Seonghwa’s, “if you were ready to get fucking tortured for him the least he could do is know about it.”
The air was knocked straight out of Hongjoong’s lungs, his eyes were wide but he didn’t think he could see anything.
Seonghwa was tortured, Seonghwa got tortured, for him? Because of him? What the fuck did he do?
“It’s not his fucking fault.”
“I didn’t say it was, I said he had to know.”
“That’s not for you to decide.”
“Too bad I already did then.”
They weren’t yelling but their chilling voices felt like daggers.
“Wooyoung can you just leave?”
“Fine,” the other grumbled.
Hongjoong was still trying to process what the fuck he had just heard, when Wooyoung’s previously retreating form stopped in its tracks.
He stood there for a bit before turning back and coming closer, head hanging low.
“I’m sorry, Seonghwa,” he said, to which the other didn’t respond, he turned to Hongjoong, “I really am sorry to you too Hongjoong, I think I just had too much anger in me and I couldn’t hold it back even when I tried. It’s not directed at you though please trust that. I think Seonghwa will explain to you now seeing as I ruined your night anyway, but just know that I didn’t blame you for anything, none of us do. I was just hurt and lashing out, please forgive me.”
He moved back, “it was nice to meet you, I would understand if you never wanna do it again but I would love to meet some other time, bye.”
And then he walked back slowly until he disappeared into thin air.
Silence enveloped them.
But not like any of the silences they were used to, the comforting quiet where they breathe in the same air and stay close, this one was suffocating, filled with unanswered questions and a lot of dread.
“Is there any chance you would forget about that if I asked you?” Seonghwa asked, defeated.
Hongjoong didn’t need to answer him but he shook his head ‘no’ anyway.
“Alright, lets.. Let’s at least sit somewhere.”
They walked towards the table by the cabin, walking through the gold lights and flowered path, and Hongjoong wished he had the mind to enjoy any of it.
Seonghwa gestured for Hongjoong to sit first before sliding in beside him, both of them facing the ocean but only one was looking at it.
Hongjoong’s eyes couldn’t move from Seonghwa’s face, he was staring at him, unblinking, waiting for anything to make sense but wishing it wouldn’t, wishing none of this was real, wishing he was at that rooftop thinking Seonghwa abandoned him rather than here facing the possibility that the angel had to endure pain for him.
“It… it’s not as bad as Wooyoung makes-”
“Please,” Hongjoong whispered, “don’t lie to me, I can’t take it.”
Seonghwa looked at him briefly before turning back, “okay.”
He fell silent for a while and Hongjoong waited, as patiently as he could, not rushing the other, but it could be because a part of him didn’t even want to know.
“The reason I couldn’t come … the reason I kept you waiting this long was because I was held back”
“Held back where?” Hongjoong asked, impatient.
“It’s like -”
“Is it hell?” he was tense and on edge, “were you in hell Seonghwa?”
“Hell like you know it doesn’t exist” the angel started, looking at the waves, “we don’t have burning fires and melting skins and whatever you know it as. I was in … well the closest thing you know to it is prison maybe?”
“O..okay,” he nodded, “why?”
And wasn’t that the question.
One brief look.
Seonghwa settled more, leaning his elbows on the table and looking ahead.
“We.. aren’t supposed to associate with humans a lot. I told you that. We have a responsibility to serve, we’re not made to feel things or want things that could interfere with our duty.”
Hongjoong waited.
“When they found out about .. you,” he took a deep breath. “Well they didn’t really like that” he chuckled, Hongjoong failed to see the humor in that.
“An.. and what? They.. they threw you in prison?”
“They .. gave me the choice, you know the old age stuff, leave you alone or I get punished, I’m pretty sure your movies covered this part at least”
Hongjoong didn’t know where the other was finding the sarcasm and amusement in this conversation but he wasn’t sharing it with him.
“Can you stop joking for a second and fucking tell me what happened to you?”
Seonghwa sighed deeply, turning to look at him, “I was told to do something, I refused, I was thrown into a torture chamber for two months. That’s what happened to me, they waited for me to change my mind, to give up. I didn’t, so they kept it going.”
And Hongjoong regretted all his hastiness, regretted asking and insisting because now that he knew, now that there was no doubting it, he didn’t think he could live with it.
His mouth was dry, his hands started shaking. Seonghwa took notice of that and moved quickly to hold both of them in his own.
“It’s not your fault, I don’t want you to think that even for a second.”
“H..” his voice was hoarse, “how is it not my fault? .. you.. you .. because of m-”
“Stop it,” a squeeze on his hands, “ No, Hongjoong. It’s not because of you, it was my decision, I chose that and I don’t regret it.”
Hongjoong was trying to focus on his breathing, trying to get in order. If he wanted to understand anything he needed to be able to at least speak coherently.
“O..okay,” he looked up, “what did they do to you?”
Seonghwa stiffened for a second, breaking every remaining intact piece of Hongjoong’s heart further.
“I don’t .. I don’t really want to talk about that,” he whispered, “none of us do.”
“How many of you..” he let the question hang out there, he didn’t know what he could ask, and how much information Seonghwa would be willing to share.
“.. it’s been happening more often recently, I think we evolved or something,” he chuckled, “this .. wasn’t even my first time in the chambers, it wasn't as long and for completely different reasons but I’ve been there once before.” his eyes were distant, he was looking behind Hongjoong but not like he could see anything at all.
“Wooyoung was there once too, hell, even Yeosang who’s as perfect as an angel could get was sent there, it was only for a few days but it did happen … none of us really .. talk about it. I think the more we stay here the more we develop emotions we were never supposed to have and when they think it could interfere with our duty they take action.”
Hongjoong was filled with so much hatred and disgust for whoever those ‘they’ were.
“So please understand his actions, he was just scared when I was sent there and he tried everything in his power to get me out. He feels a lot and he comes off strongly but he means well. I will have a talk with him about the way he acte-”
“Do you seriously think this is my problem now?” Hongjoong hissed.
“What?”
“You’re telling me you were in some fucking torture chamber for two months and you think my issue is that your friend was a bit rude? I wish he was more rude actually, I wish he fucking slapped me in the face maybe I would have woken up from this nightmare.”
“I’m .. sorry Hon-”
“What the hell are you apologizing for?” he felt like a maniac, like he would start laughing any second now.
“This is a lot to take in, you don’t deserve to deal with-”
“Can you just stop please” he exhaled, “I’m not .. I’m not upset because this is too much to take in, I’m fucking livid that you went through it, why would you do that Seonghwa? Why would you let yourself suffer all that pain? You should have agreed, whatever they wanted you should have just said yes.”
“I can’t just deceive them Hongjoong. If I agree I’ll have to go through with it” he answered, defeated.
“You should have then.”
And it was like the world stopped, like even the waves ceased their movement.
Seonghwa’s eyes widened, as he slowly removed the hands that were holding Hongjoong’s.
“You would have preferred I leave?” he asked, voice frail.
“Yes,” Hongjoong answered with conviction, “I'd rather you be safe than in pain no matter what it takes. I don’t care if I spend my whole fucking life alone thinking you got bored of me and left, if it means you won’t have to get tortured for it.”
Seonghwa’s eyes were slowly getting filled with a moisture Hongjoong didn’t like seeing there.
“What if it was reversed huh? What if it was the other way around? Wouldn’t you do it to protect me?”
“It’s not the same.” Seonghwa disagreed, shaking his head, “you’re a human-”
“I don’t fucking care if you’re an angel, if you’re magical and have powers and wings and can fly and whatever it is you can do, you’re Seonghwa and I would do anything to keep you safe. If only-” he cut himself off, pulling in his hair with both hands in desperation, his mind couldn’t stop reminding him that for all those days, when he was drowning in self pity, cursing at Seonghwa for leaving him, for forgetting about him, the other was bearing what could only be unimaginable pain for him.
“If only what?”
“If only I knew, if someone told me I would have ended it, I would have put a stop to it if that's what it took.”
“Please, don’t say that,” Seonghwa begged, the sound of it making him want to collapse.
Hongjoong reached again, holding Seonghwa’s hands in a mirror of his action before, “I .. I don’t ever want you to feel pain .. ever again”
“I won't,” Seonghwa said, with conviction.
“Not If I stay near you,” he muttered, dejected.
“I need you to understand something Hongjoong,” he started, eyes clearer than they’ve been for the majority of this conversation, “when I refused to follow the orders, I did it for you, yes. I didn’t want to leave you, I couldn’t imagine letting go of the one person who made me feel more alive in the few months I’ve known him than I’ve felt in all the eternity I’ve roamed the earth.”
Hongjoong’s eyes were the ones filling up with moisture now, he would have found it embarrassing if his heart wasn’t shattering at the sincerity and the raw emotion in every word uttered from the angel’s lips.
“But I also did it for myself, I didn’t just commit some sacrifice for you. I fought for myself, for my life, for my choices. I want to be with you, I want to stay with you, I want you to have me for as long as you’d like to keep me and that is my choice.”
The tears started falling, his hand holding the angel’s tighter. He felt so immensely for the man in front of him it should scare him. It has only been a few months yet he felt a deep hole had been opening inside of him and only the angel could fill it up.
“If I agree to this thing, if I agree to just be miserable without you. Then I’ll keep doing it because if I let go of you what else could be worth fighting for? And I don’t want to be one of the soulless angels out there Hongjoong. I see them, I know them, and I don’t ever want to be one of them.”
He moved closer, moving their hands from the table to hold them on his lap.
“I don’t regret it, no pain they could inflict would ever hurt more than if I just gave my soul and life away, than if I just became the thing I hated. I’ll fight whatever comes, for you and for me. I want this and I will have it.”
Hongjoong understood, unfortunately he understood.
He would have loved to blame himself, to say he was the root of evil and that Seonghwa would be so much better off if he didn’t meet him, that Seonghwa deserved someone he didn’t have to suffer to be with.
It would have been so easy to just blame himself, leave Seonghwa and drown in misery because he was the problem, he was ruining the other’s life, he was at fault, but unfortunately he understood.
He understood that this was more than just about him, that this was Seonghwa fighting for himself, and how could he fault him for that.
How could he fault him for wanting to live the life he desired? how could he blame him for refusing the norms set for him?
He had a choice to make.
Either he could cower away, leave and keep thinking of the torture Seonghwa faced, or he could be with him, stand beside him.
The choice wasn’t very difficult to make.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Huh?”
“I don’t know what happened to you in those chambers, I don’t know what those sadists did to you and I won’t ask. You can tell me when and if you choose. But I need you to tell me if you’re okay, if you’re in pain, what I can do to help.”
“You … you’re staying?” Seonghwa asked, lips quivering.
“Yes,” he nodded, “I’ll stay, if you have to fight then I’ll do it with you.”
“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa cried before pulling him close and sealing their lips together in what could be the softest kiss they have ever shared.
Hongjoong wished he could rip his heart out, put it on a gold plate and hand it to the other. It would feel less painful than all the emotions thundering through him as he felt the devotion in Seonghwa's kiss.
He used his hands to start wiping at the angel’s tears but they kept falling, the kiss was wet, their lips gliding and intertwining as they cried and held each other’s faces.
Never had Hongjoong felt this much ever before, the kiss felt like a vow, an oath, a promise of things they weren’t able to say yet.
They broke it off, Seonghwa still had his eyes closed, but Hongjoong’s were wide open, staring at the angel catching his breath, cheeks wet and red, lips swollen, breathtaking.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked in a whisper.
“I …” he contemplated, “I didn’t want you to feel obligated to stay with me”
Hongjoong could laugh at the statement if not for the absolute vulnerability he could see in the other’s eyes.
“I didn’t want you to feel like you had to repay me, like it’s your duty to stay with me because of it. I wanted you to have me only if you want me.”
“You’re stupid,” he mumbled.
“Hmm?”
“You’re dumb and stupid if you thought for a second I could not want you” his hands on the other’s neck shook him lightly, “do you know how broken my heart was thinking you left me? Do you know I started fucking praying, and I don’t ever do that, for you to come back? I just wanted to see you, hear you, touch you again. I don’t just want you Seonghwa, I’m completely yours. you could have not come back today and I would have still been yours.”
“Mine?” the angel beamed.
“Yes,” Hongjoong whispered as he let his lips fall on Seonghwa’s again.
He felt tears burning behind his eyes as he pressed in closer, he could never get enough.
His face was red, the wind passing by making the wetness feel chillier on his hot skin.
The stream of tears was unstopping as he kissed the angel with all the yearning in his heart, all the aching and pain he carried for the other, he conveyed all the words he didn’t know if he would ever be able to say, all the devotion he had never felt before in his life.
They broke the kiss, but instead of separating they just held each other close in a hug both of them craved for so long.
Their chests moved along as they tried to catch their breaths.
“What happens now?” Hongjoong wondered.
“Now,” Seonghwa beamed, “we live our life and see where it goes.”
“Will they let you?”
“Probably not,” he laughed, “but they can’t just keep throwing me there. I’m … we’re working on something.”
“Who’s we?” Hongjoong asked, skeptic.
“Me and others like me,” he nodded to where Wooyoung was before, “a lot of things are changing up there Hongjoong, not just for me, and if we try hard enough maybe we can get what we all want, maybe we’ll be more free.”
“Are you guys unionizing or something?” Hongjoong didn’t mean to sound so incredulous but if the result was the laugh he heard the angel let out then he won’t regret it.
They pulled back to look at each other, “it really sounds like we are doesn’t it? Maybe we could learn something from the humans too.”
Hongjoong moved his hand to wipe at his cheeks, feeling them warm under his palm.
“I don’t know what you want to do but I’ll be with you whatever it is.”
Seonghwa looked at him then with an intensity that took his breath away, something strong and powerful dancing behind his eyes, too many feelings Hongjoong couldn’t even put his finger on one of them.
“And I will never leave you waiting.”
“You better,” he grumbled, hoping it was enough to distract from the blush taking over his whole being.
Hours went by, they calmed down, Hongjoong was finally able to see what was on the table. They ate their food, talked some more, enjoyed each other’s company, then they got up and started walking along the beach.
“So is that your house by the beach then?” Hongjoong teased, gesturing to the cabin that was a bit far from where they were walking now.
“Yep.” Seonghwa giggled, the sound warmed places in Hongjoong’s heart he had never known could be anything but cold, “and this is my night walk with the man I love,” he finished, giving Hongjoong’s palm in his a squeeze.
Hongjoong’s breath hitched.
He wasn’t stupid, he knew after everything that happened that night that he was the man Seonghwa was referring to when he was talking about his hopes and desires on that rooftop, but hearing it was different.
Hearing the word ‘love’ come out of the angel’s lips and knowing it was for him made him feel dizzy with too many feelings to name.
“For someone who lived for as long as you did you’d think your dreams would be more creative,” he sighed, exaggerated, “but no, you had to pick out the 90s romcom route.”
“To be fair though, the 90s were like yesterday to me so give me some grace, and you can complain all you want. I know you love it.”
Hongjoong rolled his eyes, but stopped the other and turned towards him, “of course I love it, because I fucking love you, I love you so much.”
Seonghwa’s eyes softened with a smile, “you have a nasty mouth, did anyone ever tell you that?”
“Oh now you want be an angel and complain about my mouth, it wasn’t bothering you when it was-
“Oh Don’t.” Seonghwa slapped his palm on his lips, stopping him from talking.
Hongjoong struggled for a bit, before licking the other’s hand and getting instant freedom.
“Ew why are you so disgusting?” Seonghwa scrunched his nose.
“You might wanna change your mind about me while you still can,” he teased.
“You’re right actually, I don’t think I wanna be with a palm licker.”
“you were supposed to say “I would never” or some shit,” he slapped his arm.
“You’re the one trying to be romantic now?” he asked, eyebrows pinched
“No, I’m saying it’s your thing you should stick to it.”
“You know, I might just throw you on the way back”
“You can try,” he taunted.
Seonghwa in fact didn’t throw him on the way back.
He put him slowly on the bed before climbing after him, he held him in his arms as he made love to him, he kissed every inch of his body like he was worshipping him, and in the morning he woke him up with warm whispers and gentle hands around him.
For how long things would remain peaceful they didn’t know,
but just for a moment, just as long as they were in each other’s arms,
it didn’t really matter.