Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I’m going out,” Scara called out from the front door. They knew that Raiden would be able to hear them from across the apartment, so they didn't bother hunting her down to let her know. Such was the one benefit of having thin walls. Scara waited impatiently for Raiden to reply, let them know she had heard and didn't mind, anything at all. But there was nothing but silence. Frustrated, they sighed. “I know you heard me.” They shouted, just a bit louder for good measure.

“The neighbors probably heard you,” Raiden retorted, entering the living room from the hallway that led to their bedrooms.

“Well, the neighbors can screw off. I have to hear them more often than they hear me.” Scara folded their arms across their chest.

“You said you were leaving, right? Where are you going?” Raiden questioned, pretending to be a responsible and attentive parent for once.

“Nahida’s.” Their reply was casual and nonchalant.

Raiden pressed her mouth into a thin line. She didn't like Scara visiting Nahida and her family, and they couldn’t imagine why. “I thought you only went over on weekdays sometimes. It's a Saturday.”

“So what if I just want to?” Scara rolled their eyes, glaring up at the ceiling like it was the source of all of their problems.

“You know I don't like you visiting those… people.” Raiden grimaced. “You know I don't agree with their lifestyle.”

Scara groaned. “Mom-”

Raiden stood up a bit straighter. “Are they paying you to tutor that girl?” She said, as if the thought had just occurred to her. She had probably been mulling it over for weeks, though.

“You know we don't need their money. Especially when they're already-” Scara paused, unsure if it was very polite to give away someone’s financial status like that. Probably not. “Anyways. Alhaitham helps me with my own work in return. It's beneficial.”

“What work? You haven't started at your new school yet.” Raiden pointed out.

“I just want to see them. Is that so wrong?”

“Will you at least be back for dinner?” Raiden sighed.

“Sorry… I was looking forward to a hot meal tonight.” Scara looked down at the floor, feeling kind of awkward to admit it out loud.

“Fucking Kaveh.” Raiden muttered. “He knows how to cook and I don't?”

Scara, finally free, tugged open the door with one hand and gave a small wave with the other. “Well, hey.” They said, trying to cheer Raiden up. “Be glad that you knew how to pick a useful college major.”

###

Scara knocked on the door three times, then waited. They knew that sometimes they were slow to open the door, as they were usually busy with something (mostly Nahida, honestly). They could already hear some kind of commotion inside, and decided to wait a little longer before knocking again.

Just as they lifted their hand into a fist to knock again, a bit impatient this time, the door swung open. Scara looked down and saw Nahida standing at the door, smiling at them.

They bent down to her level. “Hi, Nahida.” They said, sort of cheerily. They enjoyed spending time with her, after all. She was a sweet kid, sometimes wise beyond her years, and very understanding.

“Hi, Scara!” She grinned at them, revealing a small gap where she was missing a tooth. “Look what I lost today!”

“Oh, cool.” Scara said.

“No, I actually lost it.” Nahida’s tone switched to something more wistful and kind of sad. “I think I dropped it when I was running to show Daddy.”

“I see.” They said, “That's kind of unfortunate. Are you sure you didn't swallow it?”

“Ew.” Nahida replied, wrinkling her nose at the idea.

“That's what I told her.” Kaveh said, appearing from the doorway leading to the kitchen. “Oh, well. I've been looking for hours.”

So that must have been the commotion they'd heard earlier. “Hey, Kaveh.” Scara gave a little wave, and stood up to greet him. “What’s Alhaitham doing?”

Kaveh gave a little laugh and shook his head. “He didn't find a tooth during his search, but he did find some dust bunnies. The horror.” Kaveh said dramatically. “Now he's insisted on cleaning the entire house.”

“Wow, that's a lot.” Scara said, looking around at the neat-looking room. “Maybe I could help… not that it really needs it, though.”

“He's a neat freak, what can I say?” Kaveh shrugged. “But you don't have to do that, really.”

“I would, though.” Scara said, realizing just how true it was as they said it. They enjoyed Kaveh and Alhaitham's company. And Nahida, too. They were like a family, that Scara could only get a glimpse of what it was like to be part of.

“That's fine, really… I'll pay you-” Kaveh offered.

That was the thing that Kaveh always jumped to offer. Like payment was all anyone ever cared about, although it could seem that way to someone who needed the money themselves.
“We both know I don't need that. I'm grateful just to be here, you know. I should pay you instead.” Scara joked.

“Right, you do live pretty far away…” Kaveh remembered, rubbing the back of his neck. “Did your mom drive you or something?”

“No, I walked.” Scara replied with a shrug.

“What- that's like, an hour.” Kaveh sounded horrified.

“And not very safe for someone like you.” Alhaitham emerged from his office with rumpled hair, covered in dust. It was obvious that the two had different priorities about the subject.

“Oh, I doubt that we need to worry about Scara's safety in that situation.” Kaveh joked. “I'd be more worried for the guy whose ass she would kick.”

Scara laughed at the joke, but something about it felt off. There was a weird, closed-off feeling in their throat that almost choked them when they laughed. They had no idea what it was, and decided to ignore the skin-crawling feeling that accompanied it, as well.

Alhaitham raised his eyebrow at Scara, but didn't say anything. Scara wasn't sure if he'd even noticed anything, let alone how. Alhaitham had a tendency to be very perceptive of things, varying in degrees of importance. But whether it was sadness or dust bunnies, he spared the exact same amount of immediate attention.

Scara looked away from his questioning gaze, instead looking at the top of Nahida’s head when they said, “Did you ever find the tooth?”

“I'm afraid not.” Alhaitham replied.

Nahida looked a bit sad at the news, and Scara felt the urge to cheer her up. They hated seeing anyone look sad, but especially her. There was a soft spot in their heart with her name on it.

“How about, I can do your hair for you?” Scara suggested, looking again at the messy ponytail someone- probably Kaveh- had wrestled into submission.

“Yes!” Nahida said, all of her excitement returning. “You do it so much better than Daddy.”

They knew it. “What style do you want me to try?” Scara asked, bringing Nahida over to the couch in the living room and waiting for her to sit down.

She kicked her feet, hitting the side of the couch with the heels of her feet. “A braid!” She suggested. “The fancy ones from Fontaine.”

“I'll do my best.” Scara said sincerely. It was a style they'd never tried before, as the only person they ever practiced on was Nahida. They hated styling their own hair, just tying it back most of the time so they wouldn't be reminded of it. Sometimes they wished they could just cut it all right below the ears and be done with it… For convenience, of course.

“Wait!” Nahida said when Scara started taking her hair down and brushing it out. “I changed my mind!”

“Hmm, you should decide what you want now then, before it's too late to change it again.” Scara told her, humming a little as they started brushing her hair.

“I still want a braid!” Nahida said. “But I want it to look like Raiden!”

Scara paused, mid-brush stroke. They gave a small, involuntary laugh. “My mom?” They asked to clarify.

“Yep.” Nahida started kicking her feet again.

“Might I ask why?” They remained still for a few more seconds, then continued with the brushing with just barely shaking hands.

“I want to look like her, so I'll look more like you.” Nahida explained. “Then I can be your sister, really.”

Scara felt a warm softness in their chest that usually accompanied something sweet Nahida had told them. But this time it felt different, twisted with a dull ache they couldn't begin to interpret.

“You… Do you think I look like her?” Scara wasn't sure why they were bothered by this. They didn't entirely hate looking like her, they were related after all. But Scara had always taken comfort in the idea that they didn't resemble her very much.

“You're the spitting image of her.” Kaveh called from somewhere behind them. Scara jumped, having not known he was there, and listening. “If I didn't know any better, I would assume you were her sister instead.”

“Oh… really.” Scara replied in a dry, deadpan voice.

It wasn't supposed to be a bad thing, right? But it felt like it was, and they didn't even know why.

Scara realized that their hands had become very still, so they continued brushing Nahida’s hair, aware that they were absolutely stalling. Then, when they couldn't reasonably put it off any longer, they reluctantly began styling it.

The braid was practically ingrained in their memory at this point, from watching Raiden do it herself many times. Nahida's hair wasn't long enough to achieve the same effect, but they tried their best and managed to do a pretty decent job recreating it on a smaller scale.

“Oh… wow.” Kaveh whispered from somewhere behind them. “Hold on, I'll get a mirror!” His voice was full of excitement and admiration, for Nahida or themself, Scara wasn't sure.

“I can't wait to see it!” Nahida beamed. “Do I look like Raiden?”

Scara smiled. She didn't, not really. Of course she wouldn't, though.

“You're like a mini Raiden-clone, Nahida.” Scara told her.

“I'm back.” Kaveh returned quite enthusiastically. He handed a small, child sized hand mirror to Nahida. Both of them watched as she admired Scara's handiwork with eyes full of awe.

“It's so pretty!” Nahida exclaimed.

“I might have to make you Nahida's official hairdresser.” Kaveh joked. “You're so much better than me.”

“Well, Scara does have more experience, after all.” Alhaitham appeared.

Scara watched as Nahida told Alhaitham about the braid, showing it off to him. In return, he gently showered her with compliments over it. Kaveh joined in, but in a more ridiculous way, making Nahida laugh.

Scara smiled a little at the sight of them being a family. And then the smile turned wistful, then sour, before it faded away entirely. Scara turned and stared at their shoes sitting by the front door, in a corner removed from everyone else's, and thought that they should maybe leave.

Alhaitham looked up and watched Scara pull out their phone, check it, and then put it away with a sigh. “Raiden asked me to go back.” Scara said, sounding annoyed at the mere idea.

Alhaitham thought they were lying, though. Scara could tell when he didn't believe something, but they had thought themself to be pretty convincing.

“You're not walking again.” Alhaitham told them in a commanding voice. “I'll drive you.” It wasn't a question.

Scara was a bit annoyed that he wasn't even giving them a choice in the matter, and the last thing they wanted at this moment was to spend half an hour trapped in a car with Alhaitham and his supreme intuition. But, of course, refusing such a convenient offer would also raise his suspicions. Alhaitham was quite possibly the most exhausting person to lie or have secrets around.

“Sure, thanks.” Scara hurriedly agreed. Hesitation was also a sign of suspicion.

Alhaitham stood up, waving Scara over to him as he walked towards the front door and grabbed the keys to his car that were sitting on a side table. Scara slipped on their shoes wordlessly as Alhaitham opened the door, and then followed him out to the driveway where his car was parked.

Alhaitham got in the driver's seat, and Scara debated whether or not they should sit in the back when Alhaitham gestured to the seat beside him. Of course he did.

Scara sat down, pulling their seatbelt on before Alhaitham had to remind them. Then they waited for the games to begin.

“How soon do you start attending your new school?” Alhaitham questioned. Scara wasn't sure what kind of information he was looking for, but Alhaitham rarely said anything without any meaning behind it.

“My first day should be sometime next week.” Scara replied nonchalantly.

Alhaitham nodded to himself, thinking that over while he started the car and backed out of the driveway. “Are you worried about it?” Alhaitham asked them.

“Why would I be?” They questioned.

“This isn't a Sumeru-exclusive school like the Akedemiya.” Alhaitham replied. “It's bigger. With people you've never met before.”

“Why would I care about that?” Scara muttered, resting their head on their arm against the window.

But in reality, they very much did care about that. The thought of being alone every day, surrounded by strangers who already knew each other and wouldn't be interested in meeting someone new, twisted their stomach into a knot. It felt just a few steps below getting punched in the gut.

“Just wondering…” Alhaitham trailed off, thinking to himself.

“Wondering what?”

“Wondering why you looked troubled and out-of-sorts earlier.” Alhaitham replied. “I thought it could be about your mother, or your new school, perhaps.”

Scara didn't want to tell him that it was all of the above, and more. They figured that he probably already guessed that, though, and just wasn't letting them know about it. One thing they hoped he didn't guess, however, was how they had felt watching him interact with Kaveh and Nahida.

“I just want to let you know that I care about you.” Alhaitham said gently, pausing a few times to consider the phrasing. “You're always welcome to visit, or talk to me, whenever you want to.”

Scara thought that maybe he did know what they had been thinking when they looked at his family, and was alluding to it now. So much for wishful thinking. Scara also realized that this was probably his closing argument, as they were approaching the apartments where Scara now lived. They felt slightly relieved to know it was almost over.

They didn't really know how to respond, so they said, “Okay.” And then remained silent for the rest of the drive.
###

Chapter Text

Scara sighed, feeling discouraged and tired. They only had one more weekend of freedom before school started to do whatever they felt like doing, before their free time would be consumed with homework and exhausting social endeavors.

One more weekend, then everyone who met them would know them as a girl again. Scara definitely wasn't looking forward to role-calls and gendered bathrooms that would betray them to everyone. It was so fucking stupid. Why did they even care if everyone knew that they were a girl? Everyone in their life, like Raiden and Alhaitham, knew the truth.

They were a girl, and always would be.

For some reason, the thought bothered them to no end. It wasn't a slight annoyance either, like an incessant pest flying around that could be simply waved away. This sort of discomfort felt like something had worked its way underneath Scara’s skin, just deep enough to avoid being reached and examined to find out what it truly was. The only thing they knew about this feeling was, it wasn't letting up.

Scara sighed, and flopped down on their bed, shoving a pillow over their face. They didn't know what to do with their so-called last moments of freedom. It didn't feel very much like freedom, after all. It just felt like trading in one pair of shackles for another.

Scara hugged the pillow tightly against their chest and rolled over onto their side, facing the wall opposite their bed. There was a floor length mirror leaning against the wall, and they could see themself inside of it. Without even deciding that they were going to do it, Scara’s eyes darted away from their reflection, and they threw the pillow they had been holding at it. One pair of shackles for another, for another.

They needed some sort of distraction, to ward off the feeling that they were losing their mind. And Scara couldn't think of anything else to do, besides lay in bed and hate themself, or go check out the pool Katheryne had mentioned the apartment having.

Scara decided to do the latter, as they had plenty of time tonight for the former. Ever the optimist, as they were.

Scara dug through their closet for a few moments, until they found their old bathing suit. It was a one-piece suit that most likely didn't even fit anymore. But even if it did, Scara wouldn't be caught dead wearing it in front of anyone. It was just so…

So what? They didn't have the words to describe the feeling they got, just looking at it and imagining what it might look like on their body. It made their skin crawl, involuntary shivers coursing through them every time they thought about it. So, after another moment of searching, Scara found a loose shirt and shorts to wear instead. They glanced towards the mirror, frowning at the reflection once again.

Even with the shirt hanging off their shoulders like a tent, their chest was still just barely visible, forming two small lumps that interrupted the flow of the fabric. It wasn't just irritating, it was noticeable. Scara hated that, for some reason. They tried tying their long hair back into a low ponytail, but couldn't seem to tell if it helped any.

And then they just felt like giving up on the idea entirely. They didn't want to be seen like this, but the whole point was to avoid self depreciation in the first place. So they decided to go anyway. They didn't have to swim in the pool, after all. They could just hang out nearby.

Scara decided that they wouldn't need to bring a towel or extra clothes, since they weren't swimming. So they just slipped on a pair of sandals and went out to the living room where Raiden was seated on the couch, legs crossed, eyes closed.

“What are you doing?” Scara questioned snarkily.

“Meditation.” She replied. “I've heard there are many benefits.”

“That's ridiculous. Where did you hear it from, an Internet forum?” Scara scoffed. “You can't believe that crap.”

“From a friend, actually. An intellectual who teaches at Akedemiya with Alhaitham.” Raiden replied, eyebrows raised.

“What friend?”

“Her name is Lisa.”

Scara sighed. “Whatever, I don't really care. I'm heading to the pool.”

“Wearing that?” Raiden questioned, examining Scara's outfit. They were wearing a t-shirt and a pair of baggy shorts. Not exactly swimming attire.

“My swimsuit is under my clothes.” Scara lied boldly. Raiden wasn't usually good at picking up on lies, especially if Scara was assertive about it.

“Oh, alright, then.” Raiden replied. “Don't forget to bring a towel.”

“I won't.” They replied, making their way to the door.

“Oh, and.” Raiden added. “I'm saying this to be nice, because I care about you. But if you're going to wear shorts like that in public, maybe you should shave your legs more often.”

Scara paused right in front of the door, an uncomfortable warmth crawling over their neck and face. “Why?” They turned around to face Raiden.

“It isn't very ladylike, you know.” Raiden replied calmly.

Scara really didn't give a shit. They hated the idea of anything ladylike, and anyways, they had tried shaving before. They always ended up missing something, or cutting themself on the blade. So what was the point of shaving when they would still feel bad about themself either way, but without all the unnecessary effort?

“Whatever.” Scara muttered, feeling an oppressive weight closing in on their shoulders and chest.

“It's just-”

They really didn't feel like defending every one of their decisions to her all the time. “I'm leaving now.” Scara interrupted her.

Right before they closed the door behind them, they caught Raiden looking at them with a confused look on her face. She opened her mouth to say something, then Scara closed the door between them. Cutting her off before she could do it first.

###

Scara stepped out of the elevator and walked towards the pool area, vaguely curious about what it would be like. Katheryne had neglected to mention if it was indoors or not, so they supposed they would find out soon. They could already hear the distant sounds of talking and laughter.

They rounded the corner and saw two double doors that led outside, propped open with a pair of white sandals. The pool was full of sparkling blue water, directly under the light of the afternoon sun. There were three people there already, all of them women. Scara watched them for a moment, wondering if they should turn back. Wondering if someone would see them near those women, and start to draw unwanted comparisons.

Scara decided to stay, at least for a little while. The warmth coming from the open doors was inviting, and they wanted to enjoy a relaxing afternoon by the pool before school started. Classic summer activities, and all that.

Besides, they looked nothing like those girls, which they decided to count as a good thing. Those girls were pretty, and dressed like they knew it. They probably wore tons of makeup and had shaven legs. Girl stuff Scara would never begin to understand.

“Oh! Hey!” One of them called out when she noticed them walk outside. The girl was bubbly and energetic, tanned skin and white hair. She waved enthusiastically until they finally gave in and waved back.

She waved so enthusiastically, in fact, that she ended up splashing one of the other girls lounging by the pool in a chair.

“Hey…” the girl complained halfheartedly. She lifted her sunglasses off her eyes and glared at the girl in the pool. “Stop splashing me, damnit. I'm trying to tan.”

“Looks like you already did.” Scara pointed out. Her long legs, accentuated by a pair of denim shorts, were a golden brown that matched well with her golden hair.

“Not good enough.” She replied.

“Xilonen likes the sun.” The last girl, who was sitting on the edge with her feet in the water, explained. “She always looks so pretty, too. If I stay in the sun too long, I just burn.”

“Look on the bright side!” The girl in the pool said, in a way that told Scara she said it a lot. “Your skin will match your hair! You'll be like a giant tomato, and tomatoes are sweet and juicy.”

“...Thanks, Mualani. Exactly the incentive I needed to never come outside ever again.” She replied, but her eyes were sparkling with laughter.

“nOOO, don't be a recluse!” Mualani whined. “You're one of my best friends, and I love you.”

“Uh… what a first impression.” Scara muttered, sitting on a chair beside Xilonen.

“This building is full of weirdos.” Xilonen said in a sultry, almost tired-sounding voice. Scara hadn't even known she had heard them.

“I noticed.” Scara replied.

The redhead by the water chimed in. “I'm Mavuika.”

“Scara.” They replied. “Are any of you normal?”

“Define normal.” Mavuika replied. “You're wearing regular clothes to a pool.”

“I'm not swimming.” Scara said, somewhat defensively. They were tired of defending themself to everyone, and thought again of the bathing suit abandoned in the back of their closet with a shudder. “Neither is Xilonen.”

“Why not?” Mualani gave them a wicked grin, wading closer and acting like she might splash them. “Scared? Can't swim?”

Scara absolutely did not want to admit that they couldn't swim very well, especially in deep water. So instead, they said, “I just don't want to. I'm… tanning.”

Xilonen took one look at their choice of attire, and laughed her head off at the mere suggestion. “You won't get a tan in that.”

“Says who?” They shot back. “Just because I have some self respect, and I'm more than a step above naked.”

“I'm wearing shorts and a bikini top.” Xilonen protested. “And I have tons of self respect, or I wouldn't act as hot as I am, fuckhead. Stay jealous.”

“Don't slut shame, guys. That's never cool, especially between us girls.” Mualani interrupted with a frown.

The feeling clawed its way through their chest again, like being stabbed in the heart and twisting the knife. Mavuika chose that moment to tell the others, “I think Scara’s a boy, Mualani.”

They had gotten used to the assumptions that people had of them. Because of their more masculine fashion sense, strangers mistook them for a guy all the time. They still weren't sure how to feel about it, though, even after all this time. And they sure as hell didn't know how to respond and correct them. Before they even could, Mualani covered her mouth with her hand and gave them an apologetic look.

“Oh.” Mualani said. “Oh shit, I'm sorry.”

“Checks out. No wonder you're a slut-shaming misogynist.” Xilonen leaned back in her chair, crossing her legs without a care in the world. Somehow, the sight of her brushing them off so easily infuriated them.

“I'm not-”

“He has a point though, somewhat. Those shorts barely even cover your ass.” Mavuika replied. “Not that I'm complaining.”

“Mav! You have a boyfriend.” Mualani said.

“And? I'm admiring the shorts, Mualani. It's be hot if he wore them, too. Oh my God, Xilonen, can I borrow those?”

“Absolutely fucking not.” Xilonen replied.

“Im not a misogynist, I- What the hell even is this conversation anymore?” Scara wondered aloud.

“We're defining normal.” Mualani replied.

“Hey, losers.” A shirtless man with long white hair strutted out to the pool, followed by a guy with a blond ponytail and a boy with brown hair. “Respectfully, of course.”

“What do you want, Itto?” Mavuika questioned him.

“Those chairs.” He gestured at the chairs that Xilonen and Scara were sitting on. “And the pool, too. We wanted to play marco-polo.”

“And feel each other up with your eyes closed?” Mavuika snorted.

“Rather it be you instead?” Itto replied, eyebrows raised and a smile that said he was seriously considering it, and wasn't opposed to the idea.

“Nah, I'm a taken woman. In more ways than one.”

“... Too much, Mav. Too much.” Mualani shook her head, looking like she wanted to leave. Xilonen looked mildly amused.

“If you want this chair,” Xilonen drawled. “You'll have to kill me, and snatch it from underneath my dead body.”

“Sounds like a lot of effort.” The blonde said, shrugging and glancing at the brunette, who nodded along. “We'd rather do this instead.”

“Do wha-” Scara was cut off by their chair getting flipped into the water, alongside Xilonen’s.

“You assholes-” They sputtered, trying to pull themself back up. But they had been dropped in the deeper end of the pool, and couldn't seem to float with their clothes dragging them down.

“What the fuck.” Xilonen said, her voice full of wrath.

She glanced over at Scara struggling, and rolled her eyes with a sigh before grabbing them by the collar of their shirt. Scara clawed at her and tried to shove her away, splashing her right in the face in the process.

“Fucking stop, I'm trying to help!” Her mascara was running down her face, and she looked pissed about the whole thing.

“You're not helping.” Scara growled in return, coughing up water.

“Geez, kid. When I thought you couldn't swim, I was joking.” Mualani wrapped an arm around Scara's waist and dragged them onto the concrete edge of the pool with Mavuika’s help.

“Why didn't you get thrown in?” Xilonen hissed at Mavuika.

“Capitano would kill us.” The brunette replied.

“I'll kill you.” Scara's entire frame shook from the coughs. They noticed their shirt clinging to their body, and quickly wrapped an arm across their chest to cover it.

“I didn't bring a towel because I WASN'T GONNA SWIM.” Xilonen shouted.

“Well, you're already in the water, so…” The blonde shrugged.

“Shut up, Thoma.” Xilonen retaliated.

“Come on, now. We all know the girls don't really like having fun.” Itto laughed.

“Drowning isn't fucking fun.” They said defensively. They hated being lumped in with the others, even if it did sort of make sense in the context. But one could argue that about a lot of things, and Scara didn't particularly like the idea of being placed in a category with girls.

Other girls, they reminded themself. They were still one of them, despite the misunderstanding.

“Oh, stop. Even I know you weren't going to drown in front of six other people.” Mualani argued, brushing a strand of hair that was stuck to Scara's lips behind their ear.

“I would hope not.” Xilonen dragged herself onto the edge of the pool beside the others. Somehow she still managed to look strikingly beautiful with damp hair and runny makeup.

“I'll let you have my towel, if you return it unwashed.” The brunette laughed.

“Fuck you, asshole. You look more like a middle schooler than him.” Xilonen glared, and pointed at Scara.

“And?” The brunette shrugged.

“Hey, why am I getting insulted now?” Scara shouted.

“Gorou, dude, I don't think that's a good thing.” Itto whispered.

“Borrow mine.” Thoma offered. “Or just keep it.”

Xilonen eyed him, his sincere expression, before sighing and throwing her hands up in a what-hell-gesture. “Give it to the kid, I don't need it.” She replied.

“Why?” Scara and Mavuika asked in unison.

“I'll dry in the sun. And, no offense, but I'm still hot. You look like a wet rat.”

“Thanks.” Scara said dryly. But they definitely didn't decline the towel Thoma handed to them, wrapping it around their shoulders so it covered their chest.

“I think I have some spare clothes you can take.” Itto said, rummaging around in a bag sitting right outside the doors leading back inside.

“Thanks.” Scara replied.

When Itto gave them the spare clothes, they left the others at the pool behind and went back inside to dry off and change in the bathrooms nearby. Sopping wet clothing was surprisingly harder to pry off than Scara would have thought. When they finally won the power struggle and emerged from the bathroom, they glanced back at the pool just in time to watch Xilonen forcefully shove Thoma, Itto, and Gorou into the pool. One boy falling into another, like a line of dominoes.

The girls whooped and cheered. All Scara could think was, at least they got their payback without having to cheer with them.
###

Chapter Text

“Don't forget to bring some water.” Raiden said, shoving a plastic water bottle into Scara’s hands.

“...Thanks.” they replied hesitantly. “I'm sure there's water fountains, though.”

“Hush. That's unsanitary.” Raiden replied. “On that note-”

“Ugh, whatever you're about to say, I'm sure I don't want to know.” Scara rolled their eyes, tugging one of the straps of their backpack over their shoulder.

“The clothes you're wearing are clean, right?” Raiden's gaze fixed on a small bit of lint stuck to the fabric of Scara's hoodie.

“Yes. It's just lint, Mom.” Scara sighed. “Can I go now?”

“I can't believe you asked Alhaitham to drive you, and not me.” Raiden sighed, as if disappointed. “Are you wearing a bra?”

“Wha- yes.” Scara groaned. “And it's on the way to Nahida's school, that's all. Plus, you're kind of embarrassing.”

“Nonsense.” Raiden shook her head a little. “Public school. I can't believe it.” She said the word like it was the name of a sexually-transmitted disease, shameful to be associated with through even uttering the word itself.

“I think I'll prefer it, actually.” Scara said. “More students to befriend.” Plus the teachers wouldn't have as much one on one time, to report every goddamn word Scara said directly to Raiden's ears, they did not add.

“Did you pack a lun-”

“I've got money for a school lunch, and I won't get cancer and die just by eating it, thanks for worrying.” Scara said, one foot already in the hallway.

“Did you bring any tampons-”

“See you later, Mom.” Scara slammed the door shut behind them. Then they turned towards the elevator, and saw someone standing there staring at them.

“Shit.” They muttered, quiet enough that the person hopefully didn't hear.

The girl had light blue hair in a ponytail, and was wearing a navy blue dress with a pink cardigan. She saw them looking at her, and smiled. “Hello. I don't believe I've seen you before.”

“Just moved.” Scara replied, feeling slightly awkward. They wondered if she had heard the embarrassing things Raiden had been asking them.

“That makes a lot of sense, actually.” She replied. “I'm Ayaka.”

“Scara.” They replied.

“Are you going to the high school nearby? I'm a senior.” Ayaka said.

“I'll be a sophomore, I think.” They replied. The elevator closed, and began descending, just to stop again on the second floor.

Scara groaned openly, not even caring what this overly polite girl thought. She looked very put together and nice, while they probably looked as bad as they felt. But instead of judging them like they thought she would, she just laughed knowingly.

The doors opened, and a short kid ran into the elevator and mashed the lobby button. Right before the doors shut, a tall man burst out of the room the kid had emerged from, trying to shout something. The kid leaned against the wall next to Scara with relief when the elevator started descending again.

“Parents, am I right?”

“Yeah.” The boy sighed.

“I'm an orphan…” Ayaka chimed in.

“O-oh.” Scara stammered, and looked away from her. Were elevator rides always this insufferable?

“But I suppose my brother is kind of like that. What is your name, small one?”

“I'm not that short, fucking Gods.” The boy grumbled, and Scara felt some sort of sick satisfaction at Ayaka’s awkwardness afterwards. Now it was her turn to see what it was like to ruin it for everyone.

“Are you going to the high school like Scara?” Ayaka said, trying to rectify her mistake. “Freshmen are always so sweet.”

“My name is Xiao. And I'm a fucking junior.”

“Obviously.” Scara couldn't help but whisper, and then try to stifle their laugh afterwards. But Xiao's glare in their direction was telling that they had been heard.

“Oh, oops.” Ayaka muttered, feeling awkward again.

And just when Scara thought it would finally end, the elevator stopped on the first floor before the lobby. This time, Scara and Ayaka groaned in unison while Xiao put his head in his hands.

When the door opened, a girl with a white bob and a rose tattoo on her shoulder entered. She crammed herself between Ayaka and Scara, and pressed the lobby button.

“Oh, Noelle! Off to mail your eighth application letter to F.U?” Ayaka questioned. When Scara and Xiao both snorted at the name, Ayaka looked confused and said, “What? Favonius University?”

“Yeah, actually.” Noelle said brightly. “I'm confident I'll get accepted this time.”

“Wait… you've sent seven letters to the same place?” Scara questioned.

“Got rejected every single time. But I'm completely sure that Headmaster Jean will accept me one day!” Noelle replied, and started humming a tune.

The elevator opened up to the lobby, and all of them breathed a sigh of relief to escape from one another. That wouldn't have been the worst experience in Scara's entire week, if only Xilonen hadn't been in the lobby when the doors opened.

She looked up from a table in the corner with Mavuika, a donut in hand, and noticed Scara. “Heya, Hater of Hot Women.” She called out across the entire room.

“Shut the fuck up.” Scara shot back.

“Don't worry,” Xilonen said when she noticed the expressions on the others' faces. “He’s harmless. Girls just intimidate him, you know?”

“Oh, Xilonen, leave him alone.” Mavuika told her halfheartedly.

Ayaka turned to Scara with a bewildered look on her face, and said, “I thought he was a girl. I could have sworn…”

“Me too.” Xiao replied in agreement.

“Shut the hell up, asshole. We thought you were a freshman!” Scara pointed at Xiao angrily.

“Still knew I was a guy, at least.” Xiao retorted. “You know, I think it's your face shape. Looks very… feminine.”

Scara inhaled sharply at his comment. He was right of course, more than he would probably ever know. While there were many things Scara could do to pretend that it made any difference, like refusing to shave their legs of all things, they simply couldn't change their bone structure.

Xilonen laughed, until she noticed the pained look on his face. Then her tone switched to mock-sympathy. “Aw, he looks like a wounded, emasculated animal. Is that why you hate us girls so much, because everyone calls you one?”

“Being a girl isn't that bad, you know.” Mavuika said, trying to cheer them up, maybe? Scara didn't really care what she was trying to do.

“Yes, yes it fucking is.” Scara muttered, and shoved past Noelle.

They continued through the apartment's main doors, and didn't stop until they reached the parking lot to wait for Alhaitham.

“This fucking sucks.” They muttered, crossing their arms over their chest.

“You shouldn't use language like that, Scara.” A familiar voice scolded them.

Scara looked up and saw Alhaitham's car pulled up right beside them. His window was rolled down, and he was staring at them with a mixture of curiosity and concern, the two emotions Scara hated when it was Alhaitham specifically. He never let things go.

“Bad Scara.” Nahida added from the backseat.

“Hey, kid.” They said affectionately to her.

“Front seat?” Alhaitham offered.

Scara knew what he was trying to pull. “I prefer the back, thanks.” They did just that, opening the door to the backseat and sliding in beside Nahida.

“Have it your way.” Alhaitham replied, which was his way of giving in just this once. Scara knew that next time, it would be Alhaitham having his way, and there was nothing Scara could do to get out of it. They were dreading that day. “How are you feeling about your first day at a new school?”

“Weird, because you won't be teaching there.” Scara replied.

They had met in the first place when Alhaitham was a teacher at the Akedemiya, and Scara took his English and history classes. He had become a sort of mentor figure, letting Scara eat lunch in his classroom when the girls in their grade refused to let them join their table. And then, they had offered to tutor his daughter Nahida when he mentioned her out of the blue during lunch one day. They didn't mind doing a favor for someone who had done so much for them already. Alhaitham had become more like a friend or father than a teacher, after the time they spent together.

“And what were you talking about earlier?” Alhaitham wondered. “I doubt it was about your new school not having me there.”

“Oh. It's nothing, really.” Scara shrugged. “Just some ass…tentatious person I ran into, that's all.”

Alhaitham smiled a little. “Do you even know what that word means?”

“Flashy, show-off bit- unpleasant woman.” Scara muttered, forcing different words in place of the curses that seemed to flow like a river.

“Bitter?” Nahida suggested.

“That's right, Nahida.” Scara replied, patting her on the head.

“Close enough.” Alhaitham conceded. “What did this woman do?”

“Made fun of me, like they always do.” Scara grumbled, folding their arms.

“Oh, don't be like that, Scara. I would tell you not all women are like that, with you as my leading example. But you're not exactly proving my point here.” Alhaitham joked.

Scara grimaced. “Good.” They said through gritted teeth, utterly serious.

Alhaitham sighed. “Why must you always be so pessimistic and stubborn?”

“To counterbalance Kaveh’s optimism.” Scara said, making a joke of their own. “Seems like you're still making up for it yourself.”

“Indeed.” He replied, playing along. “We're almost there, Scara.” Alhaitham reminded them.

“Got it, thanks.” They replied, preparing their stuff.

Whether they were ready for this shit or not, it didn't seem to matter. Because it was ready for them. They were used to never getting to make their own decisions, anyways.

###

Scara was walking through the hallway, schedule in hand and searching for their homeroom class, when the bell rang. There were dozens of students in the hallway, but they all began clearing out and moving on to their first classes, so they wouldn't be late. Scara sighed heavily. They hadn't even found their homeroom yet, and now they were supposed to go to an entirely different room.

They trusted along the halls, checking the number on every classroom door and wondering why none of the numbers matched. Eventually, they hit a dead end, and was just about to turn back when they heard a voice behind them.

“Why aren't you in class yet? Didn't you hear the second bell?” The voice said.

Scara turned around and stared at the person. It was a boy that appeared to be their age, with short navy blue hair and asymmetrical bangs.

“Who cut your hair?” Scara couldn't help but laugh. “It looks like if a toddler got a hold of a machete knife.”

The boy frowned. “Hall monitors have permission to give other students detention slips for skipping class.” He stood up a bit straighter, looking mighty proud of himself. “I suggest you get to where you're supposed to be.”

“Hey, genius. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I'm new here.” Scara shot back, glaring at him.

The boy considered that for a moment, then held out a hand. “Give me your schedule.” Scara handed it over, and waited impatiently while he read it over. “You're supposed to be on the second floor right now. Most of the first floor classrooms are for the juniors and seniors.”

“Oh.” Scara muttered. “I hate this fucking place.”

“Can't argue with that, I suppose.” The boy said. “I'm Xingqiu.”

“Scara.” They replied.

“I'll walk you there, if you want. I needed an excuse to get out of algebra, anyway, I have a test I forgot to study for.” He said somewhat sheepishly.

“Not such a responsible, model student now are you?” Scara teased.

“I was studying last night.” Xingqiu said defensively. “Just not for math.”

“What were you studying then?”

“Martial arts.” Xingqiu said.

“...What.” Scara couldn't help the look of bewilderment that crossed their face.

“I'm a black belt.” Xingqiu bragged proudly.

“Bullshit. You look like a little girl.” Scara replied.

“At least I'm actually not a little girl, though. Unlike you.” Xingqiu replied.

“I'm not-” They tried to protest.

Xingqiu gave them a strange look. “Is your schedule wrong, then? The health classes are separated by sex.” He gestured to the fourth class on the list.

Shit. “Can we just go now? I'm late.”

“I noticed.” Xingqiu gave them another look they couldn't interpret, and started walking forward. He waved Scara forward, but didn't bother checking if they would follow. Of course they would, and he knew that.

Screw Xingqiu, the stupid martial artist with his stupid power trip.

When Scara finally arrived at their first period class, they had already missed almost half of it.

Their history teacher turned out to be a tall and slender woman with light blue hair and a scowl on her face. “You're late.” She leveled them with her icy stare. “I will make a note of this.”

“Sorry, Ms. Eula.” Xingqiu said apologetically. “I was just helping out a new student find the room. Don't be too hard on her, okay?”

Scara winced and looked away from him. Stupid Xingqiu and his stupid suck-up attitude. They hated him already.

“Hmph. Find a seat.” The teacher- Ms. Eula- said.

Scara looked around the room, and saw only one empty seat next to a girl with dark purple hair styled in two ponytails. She saw them looking at her, and waved enthusiastically. They had no choice but to sit next to her, so they went over and took their seat.

“Hey. I'm Mona, nice to meet you.” She held out a hand covered in thin, bangly gold bracelets. Scara noticed that she was wearing gold earrings, too, in the shape of stars. They thought she was a little… show-offy with all her flashy accessories.

“Scara.” They replied simply.

“Scara, Mona. Just rolls off the tongue. Hey, don't ya think there's a little bit of a rhyme to it? Scara, Mona, Mona, Scara. See?” She said, way too energetic for a Monday at 7:34 am.

“I think I'm starting to understand why this seat was empty.” Scara muttered, pulling their hood over their head.

“Yeah, people tell me I'm ‘high maintenance’, whatever that means.” Mona joked. “Even Ajax barely tolerates me sometimes, haha.”

“Yeah, sure. Totally.” Scara replied dryly.

“Are you even listening?” Mona frowned at them, and hit their arm with a massive jangle of bracelet noise. Everyone in the vicinity turned to stare, which made Scara wish they could melt into the floor beneath them. They were really starting to understand why this seat was empty.

“No talking during the lessons.” Ms. Eula piped up from the front of the room. “Especially you there, new kid. If I have to talk to you again, I'll give you a detention.”

Shit.

“Oh, she doesn't really mean it, I'm sure.” Mona leaned in, grinning mischievously. “She’s just like a bitch. All bark.”

Scara couldn't help it, they laughed out loud when she said that. Mona might be kind of annoying and just a little strange, but she was… entertaining.

“That's it. Detention!” Ms Eula shouted. “For you as well, Mona.”

“Ah, shit!” Mona shouted, crossing her arms over her chest and pouting. “I promised Fischl we would hang out today.”

“My mom's gonna kill me. I'm a dead man.” Scara muttered to themself, with little regard to the fact that everyone could hear them.

“Oh, I honestly kinda thought you were a girl.” Mona said, putting a hand over her mouth.

Scara sighed. “I get that a lot. Probably because I am a girl.” They swallowed a strange lump in their throat and added, “it's just an expression I picked up from a friend.”

“Ohhh,” Mona nodded knowingly. “Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had friends.”

Scara sighed again, more heavily, and let their head fall against their desk. “I get that a lot, too.”

###

Detention wasn't actually all that it was cracked up to be, from the various Cheesy Teenager Movies(™) that Scara had binged with Raiden on Friday nights back when they didn't get on each other's nerves. Scara was honestly expecting some sort of medieval torture dungeon, which both embarrassed and disappointed them when they saw the reality.

“It's just another fucking classroom. How is this any worse than any of the other 300 classrooms in this place?” Scara complained to Mona while taking their seats, side by side in the back of the room.

“Because we're here after school, duh.” Mona replied, with an eye roll that could have been directed at them, or just their situation in general. Scara really couldn't tell.

“No talking.” The detention monitor, Mr. Diluc said from the front of the room. He sounded bored and very disinterested in their situation, too.

“See? This literally sucks.” Mona groaned, crossing her arms tightly and slouching in her chair.

Scara rested their elbows on the table, with their head in their hands. “Now I get what you mean. This sucks ass.”

The door to the detention room burst open, startling both Scara and Mona. Even Diluc finally lifted his head and had an actual expression on his face besides boredom.

“I'm late. Sorry I'm late. I… got held up with something.” A boy said from the doorway. He had short and fluffy red hair, and was wearing some sort of sports jacket.

“Take a seat.” Diluc rolled his eyes.

“Okay, maybe this doesn't suck so bad anymore.” Mona grinned brightly.

Scara didn't say anything.

The boy took one look at the room full of empty seats, then decided to sit right in front of Scara. He pushed back his chair, enough to prop his legs on his desk in front of him. And because of how tall he was, he ended up practically right next to Scara anyways.

“Hey, don't think I've seen you before. What's your name?” He said, with a crooked grin.

Scara's mouth opened, then closed again. They had no idea what to say.

“Speechless, huh? Am I really so handsome that I stunned you into silence?” The boy joked, turning his head slightly to the side. When he did, the light hit the left side of his jaw and revealed a small, pale scar right beneath his lips.

Scara turned away suddenly, forcing themself to stop staring at his stupid face. Who cared if he had a scar, anyways? If he didn't shut the hell up, Scara would give him another one.

“Shut up. You're acting like a child.”

“I'm Ajax, actually. But people do call me Childe, with an ‘e’ at the end.” He explained cheerfully.

“Why the distinction?” Scara asked.

“It's fancier.” Childe grinned that stupid grin again.

Mona also had an equally stupid grin on her face. “This is Ajax, an upperclassman. He joins our Vision classes sometimes. He's very… entertaining.”

“No talking, or I'll give all of you another detention tomorrow.” Diluc said.

“Hey, cool. I'll have buddies to join me.” Childe joked. “Whenever I get detention, I'm always alone for some reason.”

“Because none of us are stupid enough to do- or get caught doing- the same thing twice.” Scara muttered through gritted teeth.

“Another detention for Scara.” Diluc said lazily from the front of the room.

“So you do have a name.” Childe leaned in and whispered, quiet enough that only Scara could hear. Something in their stomach flipped, and they felt a warm feeling spread through their stomach and chest, all the way to their face. It was probably complete and utter annoyance.

“Get away from me.” Scara grumbled, shoving Childe away and burying their face in their arms.

Stupid Childe, getting them in trouble and earning them another detention. Stupid Childe, for making them anticipate seeing him again tomorrow.

It was just annoyance. The only thing they were looking forward to tomorrow was kicking Childe's ass.
###

Chapter Text

Just when Scara thought they wouldn't have to see Childe again until their after-school detention together, they ran into him again.

The entire trivial encounter began during Scara's second period class. Childe wasn't in any of their classes, which they thanked every God they could think of for it. They didn't know if they would even be able to focus on their lessons just knowing they would see him again later, let alone having to stare at his head all day, looking for the scar under his lip…

‘Damnit, shut up’, Scara thought. And apparently said out loud.

“What are you talking about?” Mona whispered, sounding confused and concerned.

Something twisted uncomfortably in their stomach, probably anxiety. They hadn't known she would hear them, and ask about it. Childe might not have been in any of their classes, but Mona was in almost all of them. Scara couldn't tell if that was a blessing or a curse. On one hand, she was more than a little… eccentric, and kind of annoying. But they were also somewhat friends, if they could even call it that. And so far she was the only thing close to a friend that Scara had, so they could take it or leave it.

“Nothing, just… thinking to myself.”

“Out loud, apparently. That's not ‘to yourself’, you know.” Mona pointed out. “What were you thinking about that warranted shutting up, anyway?”

“U-uh. Nothing!” Scara looked away, hoping their face wasn't as hot as it felt. ‘It's just annoyance’, they made sure to think completely internally so Mona couldn't hear, and tease them for it.

Just when Scara had thought that things couldn't get worse for them, the bell rang for their third period (a class they also happened to share with Mona.) Scara knew damn well that they had a test for that class that day, and they hadn't studied for it. It was also the class that Diluc taught, on combat skills and vision wielding.

“Why do we need to learn about using visions, and what they represent, blah blah BLAH.” Mona had complained to Scara about their schedules. “Most of us don't even have ours yet. And those who do are bragging assholes about it anyway.”

Scara began gathering their things, and stood up to make their way to the torturous classroom. Diluc was already mad enough with them for the detention, they didn't need to add a failed test on top of everything. But Mona quickly snatched them by the shoulders and shoved them back down.

“The hell?” Scara wondered exactly what sort of torture she would choose as a conversation topic to subject them to.

But instead of talking their ear off about something that was equal parts stupid and boring, she leaned closer and whispered through gritted teeth, “Put your hoodie around your waist, Scara.”

Scara, probably looking as confused as they sounded, even to their own ears, whispered back, “I can't take it off. I'm not wearing anything underneath.”

“Oh, my God, you're fucking stupid.” Mona muttered. “Do you know nothing about the Rules of Womanhood? Always wear a second shirt under your sweaters, just in case you need to take them off.”

“Why do I need to take it off in the first place? And I didn't even know there were rules to… to womanhood?” Scara whisper-shouted to her.

“Take mine. Here.” Mona pulled off her navy wool sweater and shoved it into Scara's arms. “Just wrap it around your waist, okay?”

“But I'll look fucking stupid with a sweater tied around my waist when Im already wearing one.” Scara protested.

“Well then, enjoy looking even fucking stupider walking around with visible blood on your pants.” Mona hissed.

“What.”

“If anyone mentions the double sweaters, just say it's a trend from a really foreign Light Novel from… Snezhnaya. How would they verify it, anyways? Tried and true method.” Mona rambled. “Don't expose me on that, though. I absolutely will need that excuse again.”

“No, not the fucking sweaters, Mona. What are you talking about? Why did you say there's blood on my pants?” Scara replied.

“You should move along soon, girls, or you'll be late.” The second-period literature teacher, Yae Miko, said sternly from her desk.

“Shit. Just take the sweater and go to the bathroom, okay?” Mona whispered. “It's your period.”

“Shit!” Scara swore loudly. Yae Miko raised her eyebrows at them, but didn't say anything about it. There were a few other students remaining in the room that turned their heads to stare at Scara, but quickly went back to their own business.

“Shit.” Scara said again, in a whisper this time. “It's earlier than I expected… I had no idea-” An overwhelming feeling of dread filled their chest.

Everyone hated their period. It was an uncomfortable inconvenience, after all. Hating it, and everything about it, was completely normal. But for some reason, the discomfort they felt towards it was… different somehow. Like a constant alarm going off in their brain, an incessant reminder of what they were, what they could never not be, no matter what they did.

“In that case, take this.” Mona handed Scara a small pencil case that fit perfectly into the front pocket of their hoodie. “I'll see you in class, okay? If you want, I could talk to Mr. Diluc so you won't have to take the test-”

“No! Please don't. I'll be fine.” Scara insisted. “Don't tell anyone.”

Mona’s eyes narrowed for a second, but then she sighed and shook her head slightly. “It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. Just a normal thing that every girl-”

“Stop- I'm not-” Scara paused, unsure of what exactly they were planning to say. There was a strange, heavy feeling in the pit of their stomach that twisted into something sharp and painful. Or it could have just been cramps, Scara thought. Something totally normal and mundane, and they were overreacting for absolutely no reason again.

“I-I’m not ashamed, okay?” They amended. “Just… just promise you won't say anything.”

“I… okay. I suppose I promise.” Mona said, brow furrowing. “Just know that I was only trying to help.”

“I know, and I appreciate it.” Scara told her, tying the sweater around their waist hastily before standing up and gathering their stuff. “I'll see you in class.”

And then, Scara hurried towards the bathrooms in the center of the hall. That was when the fateful encounter finally happened, and Scara ran into Childe yet again. Quite literally. Childe was coming out of the boys’s restroom, and Scara was walking towards the dreaded girl’s room on the opposite side when they collided.

“Shit- Hey.” Childe said, grabbing onto Scara's shoulders to steady them both. “That kind of hurts, actually.”

“Good. Consider that payback for getting me in trouble yesterday.” Scara grumbled, glaring at his stupid smile. And then they decided that they should probably stare at something else besides his stupid attractive face. That was when they noticed the vision on his hip.

“Sorry to run into you like that- literally.” Childe laughed. “I'm kinda late though… going in?” He gestured to the bathroom behind him.

“Uh…” Scara paused. Well, shit.

The only thing worse than going into the girls bathroom where they rightfully belonged, and feeling like shit about it, was going into the boys bathroom instead, where they definitely shouldn't be. And the only thing worse than that was the scary possibility that they wouldn't feel like shit about it.

“S-shit.” Scara muttered out loud, thinking it was just in their head again.

Childe let out a startled laugh. “W-what? You're kinda strange, dude, I'll give you that. I have to get going, though…” He patted Scara’s shoulder twice, then let go and continued down the hallway in the direction Scara had come from.

Scara waited until he had rounded the corner, then darted quickly and shamefully into the girls bathroom before anyone could see them. This was ridiculous. Why were they acting like it was some big secret, stealth mission? Everyone they knew correctly assumed their gender, except maybe Childe, and who gave a single fuck about him? Who cared about his stupid crooked smile, and vision, and-

And Scara was going to stop thinking about him now, because he didn't even deserve that.

###

When Scara arrived several minutes late to their next class, everyone was thankfully not paying attention to them. But, arguably worse, the person they were watching was Childe.

“Nice of you to join us, finally.” Diluc grumbled from the front of the room. “I have half a mind to extend your detention to tomorrow as well.”

Scara sighed, and took their seat beside Mona who gave them a questioning look and an uncertain thumbs up.

“I've decided to postpone your exam until tomorrow.” Diluc explained. “Instead, I decided to give you a chance to review your notes with peers, as well as giving you an extra-credit opportunity for the test tomorrow.”

Childe took a confident step forward, as if he had a cue or something. “As many of you may not know,” he began, and Scara swore he was looking directly at them. “I'm one of your upperclassmen, and as it happens, a vision wielder. I've agreed to give all of you a demonstration on how it works, and answer some questions to help with your test tomorrow.”

“See? They're braggy assholes, all of them!” Mona complained to Scara.

Of course it was him, they thought. Of course.

“To recap, does anyone want to share what symbolism each vision holds?” Diluc asked, looking around the room. “Does anyone remember?”

“I'll go first.” Childe suggested. “Hydro, my own vision, is about protectiveness and support.”

“Electro was determination, Cryo was resilience, and Pyro was passion and a strong sense of purpose.” Mona added.

“Look who's the braggy asshole now.” Scara whispered jokingly.

“Hey, I'm just really excited and prepared to finally get mine.” Mona replied.

“Anyone else?” Diluc asked. Nobody raised their hand or answered, and he sighed. “I suppose the last three are the hardest. Dendro is the pursuit of knowledge and connection, Geo is unwavering loyalty to a personal cause, and finally, Anemo is a strong desire for freedom and to overcome limitations and burdens.”

Childe launched into a discussion with some other students, showing off what his vision looked like and discussing what it was like to finally get his.

Mona turned to Scara and asked, “Which vision do you think I'll have?”

“Pyro.” Scara replied. “Because your ‘strong sense of purpose’ is being insufferably annoying.”

“And I think you'll be a shoo-in for Cryo, because that was fucking cold.” Mona said, but laughed. “Nah. I actually think you'll probably get Electro. Like your mom, right?”

Scara couldn't help but think back to what Nahida said that day when they visited her. ‘You look just like her.’ Scara didn't want to look like Raiden, and they certainly didn't want to have her vision on top of that.

“Right…” Scara replied, lost in their own thoughts. “Did I tell you what vision she had?” They couldn't remember.

“No, I just know who she is. Everyone does.” Mona replied. “Isn't she the head of a company or something?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Of course Mona knew of Raiden. Of fucking course she did.

“Do you think I look kind of like her?” Scara whispered to Mona. Say no, they thought. Nahida's just a little kid. She probably just thinks we look alike because she knows we’re related.

“Kind of, yeah.” Mona said, examining Scara's face. “You have a slightly different face shape, you know. But you have similar eyes, the same nose…”

Great. Same face, same vision, maybe? Just wonderful.

###

Scara waited for Alhaitham to pick them up outside of the school. When he arrived, Scara made a split second decision to take the front seat beside Alhaitham this time. Mainly because they had something to say, and liked to have conversations with Alhaitham only on their own terms.

“We were discussing visions in class today.” Scara said, as casually as possible. “To prepare for a test.”

“Hm.” Alhaitham replied. “Is that so?”

“How did you get your vision, Alhaitham?” Scara wondered aloud.

“You're worried about receiving yours, aren't you?” Alhaitham questioned. Before Scara had a chance to protest, he continued. “Don't be fooled into thinking it can only happen when you're in high school. I didn't get my vision until I was already in college.”

“A late bloomer.” Scara commented, and Alhaitham laughed at their joke. “What were you doing when it appeared?”

“I'd imagine it'll be different for you, but I was pursuing knowledge.” Alhaitham gave an ironic smile. “Studying for a big test I would be taking the following week. It appeared before me in a flash of light, but I shoved it aside and finished my studies. I wasn't letting anything distract me, not even a Vision.”

Scara scoffed. “That's ridiculous. Why would you ever ignore a vision?”

“Anything is possible, Scara.” Alhaitham levelled them with a look. “Wasn't there someone at school you could have asked all of these questions to?”

Hell no, I wouldn't talk one-on-one with Childe even if it killed me, Scara thought. What they actually said was, “I wanted a more… personal account.”

“Hm.” Alhaitham replied. “Let's put a pin in this conversation for now. We're almost at Nahida's school.”

Scara nodded, knowing that was Alhaitham's way of saying, he was about to have his hands full, and couldn't deal with Scara's questions, too. Nahida was a sweet kid, but somewhat of a trouble maker. “She learned it from you,” Kaveh had told them. “You're her favorite person.” Hearing that had made them happy, but also kind of sad for some reason. Maybe because they were only one kid's favorite person, and no one else's.

When Scara arrived home, they surrendered themself to the kitchen to make dinner, since they were tired of microwave meals. And letting Raiden near a stove was a disaster just waiting to happen… that, they had firsthand experience of.

After dinner was ready, they decided to bombard Raiden with questions instead. “What vision do you think I'll get?” Scara asked her.

She didn't even pause to think about it. “Electro, if I'm being honest.” She replied. And when Scara asked her why, she followed up with, “it's practically tradition for the women in our family. My sister, my mother, and my grandmothers as far back as I can remember all had Electro visions.”

Something about her explanation unsettled Scara. Maybe it was just the immense pressure they suddenly felt to measure up to all of the members of their family. Or, a smaller, secret part of Scara whispered into their heart, it's the part about the women having Electro visions. It was like saying, this is it, the final piece of the puzzle. If they get an Electro vision, it will be a definitive label on their back forever: woman.

And no matter what futile efforts they try, or lies they tell to feel better, they would never escape it.

Scara froze in place, a strangled, closed up feeling blocking their throat. They were afraid to continue eating for fear that they might choke. Their chest felt empty, cold, and hollowed out. What is wrong with me, they couldn't help but think.

“I'm going to my room now.” Scara told Raiden. “I have homework to catch up on, anyway.” It wasn't a lie, exactly, just a very convenient excuse.

Raiden frowned, brow furrowed with concern. “Just know that I'll be happy with… whatever vision you end up with.” She said gently. “I wasn't trying to pressure you… it was just a speculation about our family line.”

“I know.” Scara said. And they did.

It definitely wasn't Raiden's fault, but now Scara could only think of their potential vision as a burden that would forever hold them down. Rather than a key to unlocking their potential, the Vision was the lock.
###

Chapter Text

They refused to ever admit to it, but while pretending to do their homework like they had said, Scara thought that maybe there might be something slightly wrong with them. Who in their right mind would think that a Vision was a bad thing, just because of a stupid theory Raiden had? At this point, they couldn't tell which would be worse: getting an Electro vision and disappointing themself, or not getting one and disappointing Raiden.

But anyways, they knew deep down that it wasn't the vision that was the problem. It was everything that it had started to represent. So what if every girl in the family got one? So what? The only people who would ever know that was Raiden, and them. And Scara certainly didn't give a single shit.

Right as they were on the verge of giving up on their homework, their phone dinged with a little notification sound. Scara reluctantly reached for their phone. So much for ‘no distractions.’

Scara saw that the message was from Mona, and mentally prepared for a half hour long conversation before opening it. And the first thing they saw on the screen was a giant paragraph of nothing but emojis. Ugh. The second thing they noticed was the actual message itself, which somehow managed to carry all the energy from before with just a few simple words.

“bord as hELL, whatcha doin?? :P”, It read.

Scara sighed, and began typing out a grammatically-correct sentence in return. “Trying to do homework. Maybe you should, too.”

“hell no, just got done studyng 4 the test” Mona’s reply said. “nowmi wanna do sumthn else.”

Shit. They still had to study for the actual Vision test tomorrow, after all. They wondered for a brief moment if Childe would be there like he was earlier today, and hoped that he wouldn't. They already would have a hard time focusing on the test after everything Raiden told them, but if Childe was there… they would be totally distracted by his obnoxiousness. Because of course, it was just. Annoyance. Nothing else. Stupid crushes on hot upperclassmen that defied all reason, was a girl thing.

“Your typing is really bad.” Scara wrote, and followed up with a “sorry” to soften the blow after a brief consideration of tone.

Mona's only reply was an emoji with a line for a mouth.

And, for a long while, it stayed that way. Scara put their phone down with renewed focus, and began studying for the vision test while trying to tune out any thoughts regarding Raiden and the Electro visions. Instead, they made sure to study all the others to compensate for the lack of desire to read up on Electro.

But, so comical that it should have been expected, Scara couldn't focus anymore when they reached the section about the different characteristics and applications of Hydro. All they could think about was short, fluffy red hair, and ocean blue eyes, and a pale silvery scar accentuating his soft lips-

“Fuuuuck-” Scara slammed their forehead into their desk three times before letting it rest on top of the stack of papers they had stopped reading somewhere near the top paragraph. Why were they still hung up on that asshole who probably didn't even like them anyway? He was older, cooler, and popular. Scara was nothing but the silly little girl who had a stupid, pathetic first-crush on him.

“Fuck.” Scara whispered, lips brushing against the notes on the Hydro visions. They quickly balled all of them up and threw them across the room, then buried their head in their folded arms.

It hurt to think about, for some reason. Scara knew it was probably how Childe really did think of them, if not better than the reality. But it still hurt. Childe was confident, and knew what he wanted. He got what he wanted.

And Scara was nothing but a silly, stupid, pathetic, girl. That last word was the one with the sharpest teeth, that tore mercilessly through Scara's chest the second they thought of it.

“I need to find a better word…. Than FUCK.” Scara slammed their fist against the desk harder than necessary, hurting their hand in the process. But some of their emotional pains faded, just a little, in comparison with the real thing.

“Hey, Mona. What's a better word for ‘fuck’?” Scara typed, then sent before they could entirely think it through, and therefore regret it.

“????? Context WHEn???” Mona replied almost instantly. “Like: horizontal tango? Or something to shout when you stub ur toe????”

“Try: my life is actively being fucking ruined and thrown into a garbage disposal unit.” Scara replied back, typed the words slowly and pressed harder than needed, to really convey the anger and frustration of the message.

“Idk man, fuck sums that up pretty well.” Mona replied. “But again, I say, context??????”

But Scara barely registered that second part. Or the first part, really. They kept trying to read the whole message, but their eyes darted back to that second word like a magnetic attraction. Mona meant it casually, just as Scara had when they met, they were sure of it. But they couldn't deny that, regardless of intention, they had interpreted it totally differently upon first glance. Honestly, what the hell did that say about them?

And, as for the context Mona so desired, what would they even say?

‘I would rather get hit by a fucking bus every week than have to experience a period every month?’

‘If I could die right now, with just a slight chance to be reborn in a different life as a guy instead, I would do it?’

‘I have a fucking crush on Childe?’

Scara decided finally that the last one was, while still evil, definitely one of the lesser ones. So they took a deep breath, typed out the message, and again hit send before they could fully comprehend the immense consequences their stupid actions were about to have.

Five seconds later, they regretted it all, when a notification sounded not for a text message, but a video call. Scara sighed internally before pressing accept, knowing full well that they looked mid-crisis breakdown. Mona answered, looking pristine and perfect in fuzzy purple pajama bottoms and a black tank top.

Scara could see that she was laying on her stomach on her bed, with the phone propped up on her headboard. They could see photos hanging on a bulletin board above an organized desk, decked out with string lights. String lights, of all things. Scara was suddenly painfully aware of the messy, unmade bed and dirty laundry coating their floor that currently served as Mona’s first glimpse into their life at home.

“Wow, babes, the absolute state of your room. It looks like a classic category-5 hurricane disaster. And you yourself kind of look more than a bit disheveled.” Mona said, brow furrowing with curiosity and concern.

“Thanks.” Scara said sarcastically.

“Don't blame you, though. This is messy stuff. A crush, wow!” Mona said with tons of enthusiasm. “On Childe. Dreamy blue-eyed devil, that one. My baby fell for an older man!” She fell over quite dramatically while Scara flushed as red as Childe’s hair and covered their face with their hands.

“Stop it!” Scara groaned, absolutely mortified.

“You asked for my advice.” Mona said.

“I did not! It was a statement, not a desperate plea or a question!”

“It was open ended. An invitation,” Mona said dismissively. “Anywho, is this, what, your first crush? Third? A hundredth?”

“F-first.” Scara begrudgingly admitted.

“Oh, my God! It's a good thing you came to me for help then!”

“How exactly qualified are you to help with this?” Scara said, suddenly suspicious. “How many crushes have you had?”

“One and three quarters.” Mona replied.

“Three… Quarters.” Scara repeated dumbly.

“Yeah, each girl crush is only worth a quarter of a Real Crush.” Mona explained, checking her perfect nails for imperfections that weren't there.

“Girl crush?” Scara thought that they sounded like a mentally handicapped parrot, repeating everything she said like the words were in a foreign language.

“Yeah, you know…” Mona twisted her hair nervously around her fingers. “Real crushes you have on guys, where you wanna like, have sex and stuff. I think.” Mona took a breath and said, “And a girl crush is when a girl thinks another girl is really pretty, and would totally like, hold hands and kiss and stuff with her. But because they're friends, you know? You can't count a Girl Crush as a Real Crush, that's very important.”

“...Uh huh…” Scara said. “Who was the one crush?”

“Well, it was this friend of mine….’s Father.” Mona stated. “He had the prettiest long hair, so for a while, since she already had one dad, I thought he was the Mom. That was ten years ago now, and I think I stopped liking him for some reason.”

“Mona, you sound ridiculous right now. Scara sighed. “Can I ask a very important and potentially life defining question?”

“Go on?” Mona said.

“Are you a hundred percent sure that you aren't just a fucking lesbian?”

Mona was silent for longer than Scara thought possible for her.

Mona clapped her hands together decisively. “Let's talk about Childe.”

“Shit, NO-” Scara shrieked.

“Tell me about him. Rant and rave about that man. Let your entire heart just flow out into the open, so we can dissect it together.” Mona ranted.

“How… poetic.” Scara muttered, already thinking about Childe again. “Uh… his eyes are… really blue.”

“And you're really bad at this.” Mona said with a smile plastered on her face. “Girl, give me something. Are they dreamy? Kind? Deeper than the depths of Fontaine's deepest ocean?”

“Yeah, sure.” Scara was momentarily distracted by the feeling of getting punched right in the stomach. They grimaced a little, doubling over slightly from the feeling. “Just cramps, I'm fine.” They assured Mona when they saw her worried expression.

“Alright, tell me something about him. Anything.” Mona leaned forward, giving them her full attention. It felt kind of nice, being listened to by her.

“Well… I don't know if anyone really notices unless they really look at him, but… in certain lighting, there's this scar that's visible right underneath his lip.” Scara looked away, flustered to be sharing something like this with her.

“You've thought about touching it.” Mona gasped. “You have. Tell me more.”

“Sometimes I think about how fluffy his hair would feel between my fingers…” Scara whispered. “And how soft his lips would be if-” they paused from the sheer embarrassment of it.

“Go on!” Mona urged.

“I can't! This is so embarrassing. I've never done this before.” Scara groaned, covering their face again.

“Oh, sweet child, you're so pure. Literal snowflake levels of fragility.” Mona cooed somewhat endearingly. Or maybe she was mocking them, it was hard to tell because she was always so eccentric. “Tell me something juicy. Something dirty.”

“Like…?”

“Have you ever thought about what he would look like shirtless?” Mona questioned.

Scara had not. And until then, they never had any desire to think about it, let alone try to find out. Scara imagined Childe with hard abs and a toned body, but not super muscular or anything. Just slightly above average. Scara's face felt hotter than before, and they turned around in their chair, too ashamed to even face Mona at this point.

“You're thinking about it.” Mona taunted in a singsong voice.

“No!” Scara wailed.

“Do you want to sleep with him? Be honest, Scara, I won't judge.” Mona said mischievously.

“There's no point in thinking about it, because it will never happen.” Scara protested. “He's an entire year ahead of us in school, and he already has a Vision, and-”

“Aaand? You're making excuses, honey.” Mona gloated.

“Okay, fine, I'm making excuses.” Scara’s face burned as they stared at the floor adamantly, refusing to look Mona in the eyes. “But I have to study for that stupid test tomorrow.”

“Maybe Childe will join us like last time.” Mona said gleefully.

“Talking to you was a mistake.” Scara said by way of parting. They made sure to hang up before allowing her to make another smart-ass remark.

And now, despite all of their best efforts, the only thing running through their mind was thoughts of Childe. Whenever they pictured him looking in their eyes, they felt a surge of warmth that started in their stomach and ended somewhere near their knees. As annoying as it was, this new feeling was definitely one that Scara would choose over the stabbing ache any day.

###

The next day when Scara walked through the door of their third period classroom, they knew beyond a doubt that they were walking out of there with a fail on their report card. They hadn't been able to focus for the rest of the night after their call with Mona, staying up way longer than they probably should have, thinking and dreaming and worrying about Childe and what he thought of them.

But thankfully, when Scara walked through the door and took their usual seat, Childe was nowhere to be seen.

“Aw, what a bummer. He couldn't make it, after all.” Mona said, tugging at Scara’s ponytail teasingly.

“It's reassuring, actually.” Scara protested, batting her hand away. “Now that I don't have a giant beacon of hotness to stare at the whole time, maybe I'll actually have some hope of passing this damn test.”

“You may begin your tests as soon as you receive them.” Diluc said from the front of the room. “I have some volunteers from the upper classes to pass out the tests, along with further instructions after the testing has concluded.”

Scara froze in place when they heard that last part. They gave a silent prayer, then looked up at the seven volunteers. There was one student for each element, it seemed, and Scara quickly skipped past the others without recognition, except for Xiao, when their eyes reached the designated Hydro space.

They inhaled sharply, trying to ignore the soft tugging feeling in their stomach. It was him. He looked even better than usual, with slightly disheveled hair like he had just woken up, and a simple gray turtleneck in place of his signature jacket. He scanned the room, just as Scara had done with the line of volunteers, until his eyes landed on them.

He smiled at them, an adorably crooked, reassuring smile. Scara was too stunned to smile back, or do anything really, even when Mona grabbed their shoulder hard enough to leave a bruise and squealed under her breath in excitement.

Scara stared hard and fast at their desk, hoping that no one, but most of all Childe, had noticed them blushing and staring at him. The upperclassmen began handing out the tests, just as Diluc said they would, and Scara didn't pay much attention to them until they saw a hand appear in the corner of their eye, holding out a paper to them. When they looked up to see who it was, they made eye contact with Childe.

He smiled at them again, and Scara's stomach flipped while they wordlessly snatched the paper from his hand, making sure to avoid touching him in the process, and glared at the first question rather than reading it. It was utterly hopeless, and they knew they would never be able to focus on anything ever again.

Childe moved on, and Scara released a breath they hadn't realized they had been holding in. They tried their hardest to remember what they had studied in order to answer the questions, but all they could remember from yesterday’s study session was the call from Mona. They knew it was a mistake to tell her about Childe, they fucking knew it.

“Alright, pencils down.” Diluc announced after several minutes had passed. Scara realized that they had left three whole questions unanswered, and about half of the ones they did answer were probably wrong.

They had known they would fail, and when they showed up with a bad grade, Raiden would be so disappointed. Scara made a mental note to themself to ask Alhaitham to help them study next time, instead of calling Mona.

“While Keqing gathers the tests from everyone- make sure you have your name on it- I have more instructions for all of you.” Diluc began, as the Electro volunteer began gathering the tests. “Many of you aren't aware, but this is the year and age range that most of you will receive your visions. Of course, it could happen much earlier or much later, but to my knowledge only one of you in this class has one.”

“Who is it?” Somebody asked from the back of the room.

“Not you, apparently.” Mona replied under her breath.

“Fischl, please stand.” Diluc said, gesturing to an eccentric looking girl with blonde wavy hair. She stood up in front of the class, revealing an Electro vision fastened to a small bag she wore on her hip, with the strap across her chest.

“As for the purpose of the volunteers, they'll be helping monitor and teach those of you who receive a vision of the corresponding element. So, if anyone here receives an Electro vision, they will be mentored by Keqing, Ajax for Hydro, Charlotte for Cryo, and myself for anyone who receives a Pyro vision.” Diluc explained.

“Ooh, really?” Mona said, resting her head on her hands and staring intently at Scara. “Better start manifesting a Hydro vision, Scara~”

“I'm not very protective or supportive, though.” Scara argued.

“Well, there's another trait: nurturing.” Mona joked.

“You know damn well I'm not that, either.” Scara replied. Although, they never knew, it could be possible. They started thinking of any and every example possible, probably just to find an excuse to hope that they would have more time to spend with Childe. All they could think of was how they cared for Nahida sometimes, and wondered if that would be enough to give them a Vision.

“Ha! Still though, you can hope!” Mona said, still staring at them like a proud mother or something. They noticed with suspicion that she kept glancing at Childe, then back at them with that dreamy look in her eyes.

“Stop that.” Scara hissed. “Gods, have you ever heard of subtlety?”

“Tea is never subtle, Scara.” Mona tsked at them. “When I'm around, it's always getting spilled. Speaking of, I have a request for you.”

“Oh, God, what?” Scara prepared themself for the very worst.

“I was thinking, what if we had a little girls-only sleepover, so we could discuss the latest developments?” Mona said excitedly.

Scara tried to pretend that, for Mona's sake, they were excited about the idea, rather than receiving it like a serrated knife to the heart. But something in their expression, or maybe the small tension that appeared in their shoulders to stop themself from flinching, gave them away.

“Ugh, if you're uncomfortable talking about… you know, we could just chill. Watch a movie or something. But please please, please don't say no.” Mona said, practically begging.

Damnit, now they felt bad. Scara decided to take the out Mona had given them. “As long as there's no discussions of… him… I'm in.”

Mona grinned widely. “Yes! There will be so much popcorn and chocolate that we’ll gain an entire pound in two hours! How does this Saturday sound for you?”

“That sounds great, Mona.” Scara acted excited about the idea. And, they weren't against the idea itself, just the… unfortunate circumstance of which she had phrased it. Scara was somehow uncomfortable attending a girl’s only anything, whether it was a place like the bathroom, or an event like the sleepover.

But you are a girl, stupid, they thought. God, none of this makes any sense. There must be something severely fucked in my head.
###

Chapter Text

It was already Saturday morning, the day of the sleepover with Mona. And for some reason, Scara was feeling unnerved about it. They just didn't really like the idea of going for some reason, not because they didn't want to hang out with Mona, but because of what she had called it. A girl's sleepover. Why did they hate the idea of it so much? That's what it was.

Scara had plenty of time to kill beforehand, and wanted to take their mind off of things for a little while. All the thoughts of Mona, and Childe, and whatever might be wrong with them was very overwhelming, and they needed a break or they wouldn't have the energy to do much of anything later.

For some reason, the first thing they thought of doing was going to visit Nahida. Scara knew it had been a long time since Alhaitham and Kaveh had gotten to go out together, because of Nahida. She was fun to be around, and really sweet. But she could be a handful, and required constant attention lest she get into trouble (Scara had firsthand experience with that one) They decided that, to do a favor for their friends, they would watch Nahida while they went somewhere nice and spent some time together.

Scara called Alhaitham and presented their idea, and he was on board immediately. Kaveh was a bit worried, as he usually was whenever Nahida was involved, but he didn't take much convincing either. Scara had known anyways that the real challenge would be Raiden.

They knew that she didn't particularly like Alhaitham or Kaveh, and was very vocal about it. She had gripes with just about anything she could think of, like the fact that they tutored Nahida for free, or the debt Kaveh was still paying off from a degree in his passion, architecture, that he had not yet found a use for.

But the thing that bothered them the most was Raiden's complaints about the ‘natural order of things’, and how they went against that somehow. Scara had always known that Raiden didn't enjoy the introduction of big changes in life, but it didn't even affect her, and wasn't that big of a deal. But she still complained about it, anyway.

Scara tried not to think about that for too long, though, because it hurt. They didn't even entirely know why. Maybe they were sad on the behalf of their friends, who Raiden unjustly hated for being in love with each other? But Scara felt that it was more personal than that somehow, though they didn't know why.

Her dislike doesn't affect me at all, Scara had caught themself thinking. Because I’m normal. They had regretted the thought instantly, and felt so bad that they avoided Alhaitham for weeks. They were starting to think that it hadn't been all that true, though.

“Hello? Scara?” Raiden interrupted their not so flattering thoughts of her, making them jump as if she somehow knew and would be angered by it. “I've been trying to speak to you for several seconds now.”

“Sorry… I was kind of, uh…” Scara searched for the right phrasing for a moment. “Lost in thought.”

Raiden's face softened a small amount. “You've been that way lately, I've noticed.” She looked away for a moment, a tinge of guilt on her face that sent a sinking feeling into their stomach. “I heard you yelling the other day in your room, and…”

“Don't. No, please-”

“I… heard you speaking to your friend.” Raiden admitted.

“You were eavesdropping? Mom!” Scara shouted, embarrassed. They looked away from her, covering their face with their hands.

“I only heard part of it, I swear that I left after I realized what you were… discussing.” Raiden said, and Scara could tell that she was trying not to laugh. “I can't believe it, your first-”

“Stop! It's not a big deal,” Scara groaned. “Anyways, I was just leaving.”

“Aw, don't be like that. I'm only teasing.” Raiden said, frowning a little.

“No, I actually was planning on leaving. The timing was just… pathetically bad.” Scara replied, standing up and putting their shoes on way faster than they had originally anticipated. They hadn't exactly been in a rush to leave… that is, until now.

“Are you going to hang out with that friend, Mona? Or… that boy, maybe-” Raiden suggested in a playful tone.

“No, oh my God stop it.” Scara protested. “I'm babysitting.”

Raiden's face went a bit colder than before. “Is it that girl again?”

“Don't even, please. It was my idea. And they'll pay me for it, okay?” Scara replied, already unlocking the door and putting their hand on the handle.

But Raiden stopped them with a hand on their shoulder. “Do you seriously think it's about the money?” She said, sounding appalled by the idea.

“It's not?” Scara sounded genuinely surprised. Raiden seemed to interpret it as complete confusion, though, when in reality Scara did know what it was about. They just thought, or perhaps hoped, that there was more to it than that.

“It's just…” Raiden sighed, and gave them a warm, almost maternal look that contrasted heavily with what next left her mouth. “I don't like you being around them. I just don't want their lifestyle to… influence you.”

Scara paused, feeling like Raiden had just stabbed them in the chest and twisted the knife. “I'm not being influenced, Mom, I’m-” they choked up before they could finish the sentence. Normal, they had been about to say.

Scara was normal, as opposed to Alhaitham and Kaveh. Saying it felt like a betrayal, not only to their friends for how othering the statement was. But also, in a way, to themself. I'm not normal, actually, they thought. If anything, Alhaitham and Kaveh are still more ‘normal’ than me.

Raiden sighed. “I suppose you're kind of right. You aren't like them, after all.” Raiden smiled, like they were two normal people sharing a secret distaste for them. “But even so, I still don't like the idea of you being around them all the time. You may still be normal now, but who's to say you're not still being influenced? One day soon, you could be swayed to their side, after all.”

Scara felt like they were being gutted like an animal in the slaughter. This was the true extent of what she believed about their friends? That they were manipulative, and conniving, and trying to influence them in some way?

A very small part of Scara, the doubtful part that they didn't even like to admit was there, thought that maybe it had even worked. Why else would they be ‘going against the natural order of things’, as Raiden would say? Why else did they suddenly feel sick whenever someone reminded them that they were female?

They wouldn't tell Raiden, though. They adamantly refused to tell anyone, and further complicate things. What if they got treated the same way Raiden treated Alhaitham and Kaveh, merely tolerated when face to face, but belittled and degraded behind their back by everyone who knew them?

“I'm not being swayed.” Scara's voice shook slightly, even to their own ears. “They won't even be there, just me and Nahida. She likes me, Mom. I wouldn't just leave her behind because… because you don't like who's raising her.”

“An unfortunate situation, all around.” Raiden sighed. “A young girl needs a mother figure in her life. I feel that, after her mother died, they should have found a more… adequate family to place her with. Tainting an innocent child with their debauchery is wrong.” She shook her head again, a new fire burning in her eyes.

“What-”

“You're right, Scara. I wouldn't want you to abandon that poor girl. You're the only proper role model she has.”

All of the air felt like it had been sucked out of the room. You're her favorite person, Kaveh had told them. The only proper role model she had.

It wasn't true at all. At all. Kaveh was caring, and worried about her when he didn't even need to. Alhaitham was intelligent, and good at teaching and guiding others, as he had done even for them. Nahida wasn't missing out on anything, or lacking in any field, just because she didn't have a mother. Because she had two loving fathers, and that was more than enough.

“I'll let you go now, okay?” Raiden squeezed Scara's shoulder, then let go. It felt almost as if she had ripped off a piece of them to take with her. “Make sure you give that child the guidance she needs.”

Scara nodded dumbly, and even that made them feel like a traitor. There was a burning, overwhelming desire to defend them to Raiden, but Scara knew it was worthless, and possibly the worst thing they could do at this moment. The feeling pressed against their chest, blocking the air from their lungs, and all they could think of was escape. They pulled open the door and launched themself into the hallway, getting away from that oppressive atmosphere so that they could finally, hopefully be able to breathe again.

Scara tried to calm their breathing as they pressed the button for the elevator, and smoothed their hair into place so that it was at least halfway presentable. That was the best they could hope for at the moment, when they felt like they could fall apart and scatter like a dandelion seed in a gust of wind.

The elevator door opened, and Scara found themself face to face with Xilonen and Noelle. They felt a groan rising up in their throat, but suppressed it and stepped inside.

“Heya, misogynist.” Xilonen said by way of greeting. “Dont look too good there. Did you take another girl-adjacent verbal beating?”

“Something like that,” Scara grumbled, then adamantly decided to ignore her. “So Noelle, how'd the eighth application go?”

“Oh yeah. Smooth, real smooth…” Xilonen murmured, crossing her arms and facing away from both of them.

“Not so great.” Noelle replied distantly, and turned away. She looked closed off from not only them, but their surroundings as a whole. “I don't want to talk about it, really.”

“Oh. Yeah, alright.” Scara replied. They understood, they really did.

###

When Scara knocked on the door to their house, it was Alhaitham who answered. Just the guy they had been hoping wouldn't be casually lingering around the door when they arrived.

Alhaitham frowned at them inquisitively, with a touch of mild disappointment. “Did you walk again? Why didn't you ask Raiden to drive you?”

“If you care so much, why don't you ask her about it? I've heard that you're good at influencing people.” Scara muttered, and immediately regretted it a moment later when a flash of hurt crossed Alhaitham’s face.

“What did you just say?” Alhaitham questioned, sounded more shaken then Scara had ever heard him before.

“It's- it's nothing, okay, I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry.” Scara said evasively, much preferring to look at Alhaitham's shoes rather than his face.

Alhaitham reached forward, then hesitated and put his hand back down. Somehow, that hurt more than anything else he could have done or said. “I just want you to know that, whoever you heard that from is wrong. Alright? I'm not influencing anyone, especially not you-” He paused, and took a deep breath. He sounded really hurt.

Scara was annoyed that he wouldn't just come out and say that he knew who had told them that. Because they knew that he did. He was too damn polite surrounding Raiden when she really didn't reciprocate or deserve it.

“I know that she's wrong, I know-” Scara's voice hovered dangerously close to the edge of a sob, so they decided to stop talking.

Alhaitham reached forward, and didn't hesitate this time. He placed a hand on Scara's shoulder, and they finally felt brave enough to look into his eyes. He looked sort of sad, but with his usual calm and collected appearance. “It's alright. I'm fine. As long as we both know that it isn't true, then it doesn't matter what anyone says. Just ignore it, alright?”

Scara thought that it was pretty hard to ignore, but they didn't mention that. And they also knew that, out of any word in the entire dictionary, ‘fine’ was at the absolute bottom of Alhaitham’s list of likely descriptions for his current mood. But they didn't mention that, either.

“Okay. I think you should get going soon, you don't want to miss out on anything, after all.” Scara laughed a little, like anything about this situation could be funny.

“I've been looking forward to going out again, but couldn't find the time.” Alhaitham replied cryptically.

He looked more worried by the idea than relieved, which gave Scara some uncomfortable insight. If the world treated him anywhere near how Raiden did, just being out in public with Kaveh might be more tiring than staying home. Scara regretted suggesting the idea of a date, and wondered if they should ask them to stay and watch a movie or something instead. But they thought about it a moment longer, and realized how futile it would be. They already had plans, and Scara wasn't going to interrupt or change them so late in the process.

“I hope you enjoy yourselves.” Scara muttered instead, hoping the simple words conveyed everything else they also wanted to say.

“I'm sure we will.” Alhaitham replied, in a reassuring way that told Scara that he understood, without them needing to say anything at all.

Scara followed Alhaitham inside, and greeted Kaveh and Nahida as they prepared to leave. Scara already felt more relaxed around them than they had felt with Raiden, and was looking forward to spending some time with Nahida.

When the door shut behind Alhaitham and Kaveh, Scara felt a momentary relief that Alhaitham was gone. But then, they realized that Nahida was just as intuitive as he was, just in a different way. They wouldn't be able to escape her questions quite as easily, either, as little kids proved to be more persistent than any adult Scara had ever met.

“Are you feeling okay, Scara?” Nahida said from behind them. They schooled their expression into something neutral, and turned around to face her. “What did you say to Dad that made him sad?”

“He… he's not sad, Nahida, it's alright.” Scara said assuringly, with much more optimism than they actually felt.

“But you are,” Nahida pointed out. “You looked sad when you walked in. Dad was worried about you.”

Scara felt unease at her words, and the all-too familiar sinking feeling returned. “I'm fine, okay, Nahida?” They said, sounding slightly exasperated.

Nahida didn't look convinced, however. She was studying them with her wide eyes, open and bright. So happy, and pure. She would never have to deal with the kinds of things Raiden said to them. She would never have to question if Kaveh or Alhaitham really loved her-

The fuck, Scara thought. Where did that thought come from?

“Come sit over here, please.” Nahida said politely. She sounded sort of grown up when she said it, and the juxtaposition made Scara involuntarily laugh nervously.

They sat down on the couch, and Nahida pushed her way between them and the back of the sofa. “What are you doing Nahida?” Scara questioned, intrigued.

“Braiding your hair. I've been practicing.” Nahida replied. “I'll make you look really pretty, I swear!”

Scara grimaced, contemplating an ‘accident’ involving scissors, and about eight inches of their own hair. “Oh.” They said. “Can you… do anything else?”

“Not a braid?” Nahida said, sounding confused. “I was going to make you look pretty like Raiden.”

Raiden. Scara winced, picturing the righteous look on her face when she told them about being Nahida's only ‘good’ role model. “Not today, Nahida.” They whispered.

“Oh. Okay.” She said, “Are you mad at Raiden?”

Scara contemplated that for a moment. “I… don't know, actually.” They sighed heavily. “More like, I'm… disappointed.”

Nahida giggled. “Dad says that all the time. Sometimes disappointment is better than anger, though. Anger is harder to forget.”

“Wow… who told you that?” Scara wondered. She sounded wiser than any six year old they'd ever known, so sometimes they couldn't tell if she had heard a phrase, or just made it up.

“My mom.” Nahida replied wistfully. She didn't talk about her often, to the point where Scara used to doubt if she even remembered her. “Before she died. I love my mom.” Love. Not ‘loved.’

“Silly kid, everyone loves their mom.” Scara replied, because they knew it was the ‘right’ thing to say.

“I'm not sure about that.” Nahida replied. “Do you love Raiden?”

Scara froze, unsure of what to say. They loved her, they were sure of it. But it was tainted with the weight of all of her expectations, and the belief that their sentiments would remain unreturned. Especially if she knew that was how they viewed her. If she knew about the thoughts they'd been questioning lately.

“I do.” Scara replied. It was easier, somehow, than saying it directly.

Nahida didn't question their phrasing, and they doubted if she could pick up on small things like that, even considering how smart and emotionally mature she seemed to be. They knew that someday, she would be just as much a threat to their secrecy as Alhaitham was, possibly even worse.

Scara felt a slight tug on their hair, and wondered what Nahida was doing back there. “Hey, Nahida-”

“Done!” She said, “I know you said no braids, so I decided to make you look like Kaveh instead.” Nahida grinned. She jumped up from the couch, shoving past Scara so she could stand in front of them.

Scara let Nahida take their hands and lead them to the bathroom mirror to see her handiwork. She was actually quite the talented hair stylist, they realized. Despite being slightly messy, it looked exactly how Kaveh wore his hair most of the time.

“Wow… how did you do this, Nahida?” They said, admiring it. It didn't actually look too bad.

“Do you like it?” Nahida asked, bouncing on her toes.

They thought of her, painstakingly mimicking the hairstyle of Kaveh for them to wear. Who gave a shit what Raiden said? Alhaitham and Kaveh were excellent role models, and she loved them both. This was the proof.

They bent down to her level, looking into her intelligent eyes. “Of course I do.”
###

Chapter Text

“Great, you're here!” Mona exclaimed excitedly, grabbing Scara's arm and pulling them so hard, they thought it would rip off. She dragged them all the way to her bedroom upstairs, and didn't relent until the door was shut.

She plopped down on the fuzzy purple carpet covering the floor, next to the promised giant bowl of popcorn. “Okay,” she began. “I officially have two crushes on my crush counter.”

“Really?” Scara replied, with the bare minimum enthusiasm they could manage.

“Yep, I finally found the last ¼ I needed to get the total.” She said excitedly.

“Mona, is this that stupid bullshit ‘girl crush’ concept again?” Scara sighed.

“Yep.” Mona tugged her fingers through her hair, looking almost nervous and giddy. “It's not stupid, okay? Girl crushes don't count, it's science.”

“Uh huh.” Scara replied sarcastically. “Who is it?”

Mona squealed. “It's Fischl! Remember Fischl? She's the only one in our vision class so far who has one. She's cool and mature and lucky. Kind of like… You know who~” Mona taunted.

“We agreed that we weren't going to talk about him.” Scara said through clenched teeth.

“Aw, whatever. You're no fun.” Mona fake pouted. “Why don't you want to talk about Ajax? Even his name is hot…”

“Please stop. It's embarrassing, that's why!”

“Oh, alright. I did want to talk more about Fischl. She always looks so tired, sometimes she zones out in class, and when she wakes herself back up, she does the cutest little flutter of her eyelashes-”
“How would you even know that, unless you stare at her the entire class?” Scara questioned.

“Uh- well…”

“Is that why you're failing?”

“Hey-”

“Mona.” Scara placed their hands on her shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. “Mo. Na. Are you a hundred percent sure that you aren't gay as hell?”

“Yes! I can't be a… a lesbian.” She said it like it was some sort of scandal. “I'm an ally, don't get me wrong. But… but girls are just pretty, it's not like I want to sleep with them or anything. I think I'm just jealous of them most of the time, anyway.”

“Jealous…?”

“Yeah, like, I see them with their boyfriends, and I feel this burning rage, like, I'd actually care when she asks if her nail polish matches her eyes, anyway. Those assholes don't deserve girls like that.” Mona sighed heavily, sounding annoyed.

“Are you listening to yourself right now?” Scara wondered. Even they could tell how painfully ironic it was, considering all the strange feelings and questions they ignored for the sake of ease.

“Uh, yeah. Aren't lesbians supposed to like, really like sex or something? I'm not like that. I'm also super feminine.” Mona argued.

“That doesn't mean anything. Have you ever liked a guy before?” Scara asked. “Knowing that it was a guy, and not a girl or something?”

“Well…” Mona thought. “...No. I suppose not.”

“Wow. Okay. Do you enjoy lying to yourself?” Scara wondered. “All of that sounds really gay.”

“It's not! I can prove that I'm straight, okay?” Mona said, sounding annoyed.

“Okay?” Scara said.

Mona crawled halfway under her bed, grunting and pulling at something, until both she and a dusty old box emerged from the shadows. She shoved it, with much effort, in between her and Scara, and opened it.

“Ta-da!” She said, “Feast your eyes upon this. Straight women eat this shit up. There ya go, undeniable proof!”

“What am I looking at.” Scara stared down at the contents of the box. “These are… books?”

“Yep. Books about men falling in love.” Mona said, looking slightly proud of herself for some reason. “Apparently straight girls love it, myself included. What's better than one man? Two!”

“Uh… this one says it's about lesbians.” Scara held up one of the books for Mona to see, eyebrow raised.

“Uh, it's just girls supporting girls, you know? Equal opportunity! Feminism! Now hand it over.” Mona said intensely.

“Uh… okay, geez.” Scara said, giving her the book. “A bit defensive, are we?”

“No! Why are you questioning me?” Mona glowered at them. “Just shut up and look at the box. Maybe it'll give you a good conversation starter with Childe.” She said tauntingly.

“Uh… I don't see how, though.” Scara scoffed. “You think he reads this stuff?”

“Who knows, he might. He's bi, after all. That could warrant some interest." Mona said casually, as if information like this wasn't all-encompassing and world changing.

“He- what.” Scara said. “What did you say?”

“Childe is bi. Like, he likes girls and boys?” Mona said. “You seriously didn't know what that meant?”

“No, I did-” Scara paused, unable to continue. They pondered this revelation for a moment. That information was kind of relieving somehow, like a weight had been lifted off their shoulders and they could breathe again. Though they didn't want to think about why. “I always assumed he was straight.”

“So does everyone.” Mona shrugged.

He wasn't straight. Scara couldn't actually tell if that changed anything, or if it did, how? So what, he would have liked them anyway, because they were a girl…

Right?

Why did they hate that idea so much?

“Anyways, if we’re discussing Childe…” Mona grinned mischievously.

“We aren't.” Scara hissed.

“Oh, yeah. We are.” Mona decided for them. “Anything you wanna say about the test the other day? How distracted were you?”

“...I think I failed. What about you and Fischl?” Scara taunted right back.

“I did well, actually. Nothing distracts me, especially not girls, Scara.” Mona said decisively.

“Sure.” Scara said dismissively. “He was the one who gave me the test. Do you think he did it on purpose?” Scara wondered aloud. It was kind of relieving to voice their thoughts out loud to someone else, finally.

“Maybe,” Mona agreed like they knew she would. They wanted a more realistic answer, though. He was probably already at that section of desks. It was just a coincidence. Why would he waste time on an underclassmen like them? They barely even spoke to each other. They didn't know anything about each other.

Except, of course, that Childe was bi. He was bi, he was bi, he was bi…

“Hey, want me to post a picture of us together? Maybe Childe will see how irresistible you are.” Mona teased.

“Yeah, sure. I'm irresistible while looking like this.” Scara gestured at their ratty pajamas.

“Not yet. But, I was just about to suggest a makeover…” Mona said innocently.

“Hell. No.”

“Please?” Mona begged. “Pleeeeease? You're the perfect candidate!”

“Why? Because I'm a real fixer-upper?” Scara said, not entirely serious.

“Well… you've got…. Style. Definitely a style.” Mona said, trying to sound reassuring about it.

“No, it's fine. I know I look bad.” Scara muttered. “I don't really put much effort into how I look.” Because I'd still hate myself anyway, if not more, they didn't add.

“You don't, really.” Mona replied. “There's just a lot of… hidden potential. Especially well hidden. Like a diamond! Diamonds are pretty-”

“Mona, you're rambling.” Scara pointed out. “Just shut up and do whatever you want. I am but a vessel for your genius, a puppet to bend to your every whim.” They said sarcastically.

“Yesss oh my God, okay.” Mona squealed, and dragged Scara over to her vanity and shoved them onto the fluffy chair in front of it. “I wanted to start with some makeup, to accentuate your adorable features.”

“If they're so adorable, why do I need the makeup anyway?” Scara winced at her word choice. For some reason, they hated the idea of being adorable. When they heard the word it automatically made them think of kids, or girls.

“Because,” Mona groaned, frustrated with their lack of knowledge. “Right now, you're bland and ordinary. The makeup makes everything pop. It makes you stunning, drop dead gorgeous.”

She moved closer with a foreign object in her hand, and Scara instinctively leaned away. “Exactly what are you putting on my face?”

“Just some blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner….. foundation, lip liner, lip gloss, contour….” Mona listed.

“I don't know what the hell half of that even is.” Scara said, trying not to sound as nervous as they felt. “Get it away from me.”

“Ah. So you're a minimalist. Gotcha. I'll go au natural, as they would say in Fontaine.” Mona contemplated, mostly to herself before Scara couldn't be bothered to pay attention to her makeup talk. “I'll just do some eyeliner, maybe. Your eyes are your best feature, anyway.”

“Thanks….?” Scara replied.

“Do you think I should do black or blue, to match your hair? Or- maybe I should do red, to help everything stand out better?” Before Scara could open their mouth, Mona interrupted her own thoughts. “Yeah, I'll do the red.”

She stepped in front of the mirror to get a better look at what she was doing, which conveniently happened to block Scara's view of everything. They could only hope that she didn't make them look like a complete fool, while they waited to see the finished product. And, after a few minutes, they didn't have to wait anymore.

“Close your eyes!” Mona instructed, waiting until they did before she shuffled behind them. She put her hands on their shoulders, and said, “You can open them now! Look! Look at it!”

Scara opened their eyes, and was shocked by what they saw in the mirror. It didn't look that bad, actually. But the thing that surprised them the most was that they didn't hate it. It didn't make them feel insecure, or start worrying that they were too feminine for wearing it. It looked kind of cool, actually.

Scara decided to say it to Mona, as a show of appreciation. “It looks so cool, actually.” They said, admiring their reflection for the first time in over a year. Most of the time, they passed mirrors with a cursory glance, or without looking at them at all. They avoided it as much as possible, since they'd never liked what they saw, and didn't want to cause unnecessary pain for themself.

“I know, right?” Mona replied, standing in front of the mirror. She started applying the same eyeliner to herself. After she was done, she let her hair out of her signature ponytails, letting it fall over her shoulders in a way that mimicked Scara. Standing side by side, it was kind of uncanny how similar they looked.

“Wow.” Mona exhaled, full of awe. “Don't you think we look really similar right now?”

“Yeah, it's kind of weir-”

“It's kind of sweet, don't you think?” Mona interrupted, having not heard what Scara was about to say. “If we were in public like this right now, someone would probably think we were sisters. That'd be really cool if someone did, right?”

Mona turned to Scara, her eyes bright and happy. Scara couldn't tear their gaze away from the mirror to look at her, though. They were focused on their own reflection in the mirror, making sure that none of the pain they felt was betrayed by their expression.

They could have been sisters. It was true, unfortunately. Scara was sure someone would look at them, and see it that way. Not that they wouldn't want Mona as a sister. They didn't dare tell her how they felt like they'd just had a serrated blade run through their heart, twisting and damaging and ruining everything in its sight.

Because Mona might misunderstand their point. They wouldn't mind if she was their sister. They would love to have a sister like her. But they didn't want to be a sister to her. And they knew they wouldn't be able to explain to her adequately, because they couldn't even explain the thought process to themself.

“Y-yeah.” Scara stammered, when they realized she was waiting on a response. “I'd… really like that, too…”

###

Mona and Scara had ended up eating too much food and mocking bad movies for the rest of the night, with occasional talk about Childe sprinkled in. So much for avoiding any discussion of him. But Scara would accept nearly any topic of conversation at that moment, just to distract from whatever the hell happened earlier.

They didn't want to be a sister to Mona. Yeah, whatever. They were such a morally-superior, ungrateful cunt. As soon as they had thought about that, it felt like having a hammer slammed directly into the center of their chest. Nothing hurt them worse than feminine terminology, except of course, feminine terminology that was also misogynistic. Xilonen would have a fun time if they ever told her that.

Mona had bragged and exclaimed that she would stay up all night, just to promptly pass out on the floor in a bundle of blankets. Scara decided it was best not to wake her, so they could finally have some semblance of privacy to sort out their own thoughts.

Scara stood up, after about twenty minutes of staring at the mirror in the corner of Mona's room. It was too dark to see much of a reflection, besides a shadowy outline that vaguely resembled them. Staring at the dark mirror, unable to see their chest or face, was somehow comforting. That shadowy blob didn't have to be a girl blob specifically. It had the potential to be anything at all. It was just a blob.

Scara sighed, whispering to themself out loud, “What the hell am I even thinking?” They stood up, with one more glance at the shadow mirror, then grabbed their phone from Mona’s nightstand and left the room.

They vaguely recalled her saying the bathroom was across the hall from her room, to the left. Scara shut, then locked the door behind them. They didn't even know why they did that, since they weren't even doing anything to warrant it. But what they were planning felt like some sort of scandalous, dirty secret, even if it really wasn't.

Scara made sure they were using a private browser, so their history wouldn't be documented. They knew, even if she never explicitly stated it before, that Raiden checked their phone sometimes. She would mention something they knew they hadn't told her directly, like a note left for themself or a topic they had watched videos on that they were sure Raiden didn't know about. It was annoying.

But more than that, it was potentially dangerous.

“What the fuck.” Scara muttered. This was ridiculous. Dangerous? That was a hell of a stretch. Raiden had never said, or done, or even seemed like she was capable of doing something that would hurt them. She was a bit detached and distant, but she cared about them. She… loved them.

Right?

They sighed, staring so hard at the empty search bar, the blinking line taunting them, that they felt like it should be burning a hole through their phone. How did a person become at a loss for words while typing something? They didn't ever even have to voice it out loud to another human being, or themself. This stupid little endeavor would probably lead to absolutely nothing, and they were getting worked up over it for no god damn reason.

Scara took a deep breath, and typed into the search bar ‘why do I hate being a girl.’ and the results were… kind of lackluster. They sighed, sifting through lots of posts and articles about feminism, and the sorts of problems women experienced daily. They quickly realized that it wasn't what they were looking for, exactly. They didn't hate womanhood because of misogyny, or society’s expectations.

They just… didn't think they wanted to be a girl at all.

“Fuck, what am I thinking?” Scara sat down on the floor of Mona’s bathroom, resting their head on their knees. “What am I doing?”

But, despite how ridiculous and stupid they felt for doing it, they returned to their endeavors. This time, they made the search a bit more specific. ‘Why do I wish that I was a different gender?’

“Shit.” They were almost too afraid to look at the results. Their heart slammed against their ribcage, like a trapped bird. They felt like they were about to be ‘caught’ doing something wrong. Scara lifted their shaking hand to brush away their stupid hair, scolding themself internally for being such an idiot. Then, they finally mustered up the courage to look at the results.

Transgender.

The word looked foreign, and somewhat intimidating. And, after reading the various definitions and explanations, it was so, so right. So very, very wrong.

It felt like the most relatable thing they had ever read before. They fought an overwhelming urge to start crying, but they could already tell it was a losing battle.

There were other people, who had dealt with the thoughts they dealt with. Shared the feelings they had. Other people, who thought there was something horribly wrong with them.

Although, maybe there still was. It really depended on who they asked.

And they knew what Raiden's opinion would be. She couldn't even accept Alhaitham and Kaveh. What the hell would she think about this?

It couldn't be true. For their sake, and Raiden's, it couldn't be.

It couldn't. It could. It was.

“Fucking shit!” Scara gasped for breath. There was a lump in their throat that they couldn't get rid of, and a pressing wall of tears threatened to overflow at any moment. They could already feel an impending headache.

Scara shuddered involuntarily, wrapping their arms around their torso and drawing their knees up to their chest. The wall behind them pressed uncomfortably against their spine, the cold chill of the tiled floor embedding itself into their bones and refusing to leave.

“S-shit-” they gasped around their tears. They hadn't noticed when they started shaking, until they weren't able to stop. It felt like something had snatched their breath away, dangling it just out of reach when they struggled for it.

They doubled over, clutching fistfuls of their shirt, pressing their knees tightly against their chest, as if they could willfully push the air back into their lungs that way. It felt like drowning, but on land. They were choking, even though the oxygen was readily available all around them.

They just needed to breathe again. They just needed to breathe, and stop crying and shaking and be normal again-

They needed to pretend that everything that had just happened didn't exist anymore, gone, erased from their memory-

They needed Raiden to be proud of them. They needed to know that she loved them. But now-

“Sh-she’ll never love m-me like this-” Scara sobbed, pressing their fist hard against their mouth to block the almost animalistic cries they couldn't repress. They heaved, and sobbed, and ached in a way that they had never experienced before.

They needed to get out of here. Out of Mona's house, away from Raiden and everyone else they knew, out of this stupid pathetic body they had been cursed with. They hated it, all of it, every agonizing second.

It was almost funny, in an ironic way, how the worst moments remained stamped and imprinted into a person's memory like a stain that wouldn't come out. It could fade, it could go unnoticed for days, weeks, months. But then a small glimpse from the corner of their eye, or a casual mention from someone else would bring it back to the front of their focus. Then, it didn't matter how faded it was.

They just wanted to get away.

They just wanted out.

They just wanted to escape.

Escape it all. Everything.

“Please…” Scara whispered pleadingly. They silently prayed to any god, every god, for their wish to come true.

Through the blurry screen of unshed tears, they noticed a faint gleaming in front of their eyes. It slowly but steadily grew brighter, blindingly so, until they could hardly even look at it.

Their breath shuddered, and their limbs faintly trembled and ached as they watched the bright light take a circular sort of shape. Only then did they even begin to realize what it was. A Vision.

They had a vision…?

Scara slowly reached out their hand, which felt limp and heavy like stone, and cupped the vision in the palm of their hand. It was still gleaming a bright white, so they squinted at it and waited for its color to appear.

Electro, they pleaded. So Raiden will be proud.

Anything but Electro, they pleaded. Because it's a girl Vision.

They laughed humourlessly at their pathetic, childish thoughts. A girl Vision. Really? Apparently there was something wrong with them. This whole ‘transgender’ bullshit was fucking with their head after all.

Before they could explore the endless possibilities there were to scold and degrade themself, the Vision shifted colors with a bright flash. For a moment, they thought it was light blue, or even green. But somehow, they knew that it was neither. Those just didn't feel… right.

Teal. It changed to a bright, gleaming teal. Scara sucked in a breath, and then blew it out quick and sharp.

Anemo.

The Vision for those who had something to run from.
###

Chapter Text

“What are you thinking about?” Mona poked them on the shoulder until they snapped out of their daze and turned to face her.

They were in their second period class, and the bell was about to ring. Scara was tired as hell, having spent the past two nights since the sleepover doing everything but sleeping. Their eyes could barely stay open, heavy and sinking like lead. Their head was burning hot and fuzzy like static.

On top of being out of it, especially about the Thing That Must Not Be Named, they were going to see Childe in their next class again. And this was the first Vision class they would be attending with an actual Vision of their own. They could practically feel it burning a hole through their hoodie pocket. They had kept it nearby at all times like a paranoid person, too scared to leave it somewhere Raiden could find.

She wanted them to have an Electro Vision, after all. She would be so disappointed. And what if she asked how they got it, what would they even say? ‘Yeah, it just appeared while I was crying on Mona’s bathroom floor because I just realized I'm a freak.’ That would only go perfectly well, with absolutely no repercussions.

Damnit, they had zoned out again, and Mona was staring at them, a mix of annoyance and concern. “N-nothing. I'm fine.” Scara muttered, folding their arms on their desk and resting their head down.

“I… didn't ask how you were doing, but okay then.” Mona said. “Also, I highly doubt that last part.”

“I'm… worried.” Scara whispered, glancing away from Mona’s eyes. That, at least, was true.

“About Childe?” Mona asked. “I mean, no offense but you don't exactly look your best right now. Truthfully, you look like shit.”

“Thank you for that wonderful pep talk, Mona.” Scara sighed, reaching forward to grab their notebook as the bell began ringing for their next class.

As soon as they opened their hand and reached for it, a strong gust of wind slammed into the book and shoved it to the floor, sliding about five feet away before hitting Yae Miko's foot. Mona had turned away, thankfully, and everyone else only started looking at them after the whole ordeal was already over.

“Shit-” They glanced at Yae’s unamused face. “I-I mean, sorry? I'm kinda clumsy. Sorry.” Scara shamefully stood up and grabbed their book off the floor.

Stupid Vision. They wished the damn thing would spontaneously combust, and disappear back to wherever it came from.

“What was that?” Mona teased them. “You really are out of it, huh? Are you sure you're feeling well?”

“What are you, my mom?” Scara muttered.

“You don't look very good, though. When was the last time you slept?” Mona questioned, a touch of concern underlying her joking demeanor.

Three days ago. “Last night, duh. I just didn't sleep very well. I'm fine.” Scara stumbled as they followed Mona out of the classroom, which wasn't really proving their point very well.

“Do I have to, like, hold you? Be one of those walkers that old people have?” Mona reached toward them, probably about to do just that.

“No!” Scara protested. “I'm perfectly fine.”

They were, in fact, not. The loud talking and movement in the hallway felt like a physical force surrounding them. The cacophony felt sharp, like having nails pounded into their brain. They shook their head, sort of like a dog would, trying to make the headache go away. When they opened their eyes again, the edges of their vision was blurred like frosted glass.

“Shit…” Scara muttered, quiet enough that they hoped Mona wouldn't hear over all the commotion. Their head really fucking hurt.

Right as the pair was rounding the corner that led to their next class, Scara felt something get caught on their foot as they were walking, and they stumbled forward. They weren't fast enough to stop themself from falling, and apparently neither was Mona. They were mentally preparing for their face to make contact with the floor, when they felt someone with a strong grip wrap an arm around their chest and pull them back up.

“Hello there.” Childe said, sounding amused. “You should be more observant next time. I won't always be conveniently around to catch you, y’know.”

Scara was too tired and felt like shit to have a comeback ready. They barely even wanted to open their eyes and keep walking, continuing with their day. The thought of four more hours in this hellhole made them want to drop dead already, since they certainly felt like they could at any moment.

“Scara-” Mona sounded worried.

“Ah- what are you doing.” Childe muttered.

Scara realized that they had been leaning on Childe the entire time, head resting on his shoulder, but couldn't bring themself to move away. They didn't even have the energy to feel embarrassed about it. They slumped forward, pushing Childe backwards slightly, and they would have fallen over if he hadn't been holding onto them.

“Are you alright?” Childe questioned, sounding just as worried as Mona.

“I doubt it. Scara's been out of it all morning.” Mona replied.

Childe pressed a hand against Scara's forehead, and the sudden flash of cold made them wince and try to move their head away. When Childe pulled his hand away, he turned to Mona and said. “Scara's burning up. Go to class, okay? I've got this.”

“I… I hope you're okay.” Mona said to them, walking away with a few more glances in their direction.

Childe started to gently pull Scara in the opposite direction, but they did their best to plant their feet on the ground. When that didn't work, their Vision seemed to develop a mind of its own, and sent a blast of wind at Childe, pushing him back towards them. He stumbled, almost falling over and pushing them down with him, but Scara's vision held them up with more wind blowing upwards.

At least the stupid thing could be useful.

“What was that?” Childe muttered. “That was weird… anyways.”

“Where are you taking me?” Scara muttered groggily.

“To the nurse. Come on.”

“I don't need to go. I'm fine.” They tried to pull away, but all of their efforts were in vain. “Damnit, stop holding on so hard.”

“Scara, I'm not even trying.” Childe replied. “You're… you aren't well. You're sick. Come on.”

“No shit.” Scara muttered. “No fucking shit.”

“See? Even you know it.” He gave them a hesitant smile, before adding, “Can you walk, or do I have to carry you?”

They imagined Childe walking through the halls with them in his arms, and immediately tried to banish the thought from their mind. “Hell. No. I'll walk.”

Childe laughed. “Stubborn, are we?”

“Damn right.” Scara replied. They took a small step forward, bumping into Childe. “I'll just… lean on you, though.” They muttered, refusing to look at his stupid face.

“Offer still stands, anytime.” He shrugged, grinning like an idiot. He slipped an arm around Scara's shoulder, leading them down the hallway.

When they arrived at the nurse’s office, Scara slumped down onto one of the small chairs in the waiting area, trying to tell themself that they were feeling alright. Childe spoke to Ganyu, the secretary at the front desk. He kept glancing over at Scara as he did so, which made them look down at the floor in embarrassment. That was not the best idea, however, as they started to feel like they might throw up.

“Hey,” Childe walked over and sat down beside them, gently placing a hand on their back. “You'll be able to go to the nurse soon, okay? How are you feeling?”

Like shit. They didn't want to speak, unsure of their current ability to form a coherent sentence. Not only were they afraid of throwing up if they opened their mouth, but they were sitting next to Childe. Only the gods knew what kind of stupid things they would say in front of him, while he was messing with their basic abilities to function as a normal human being.

If they could even call themself ‘normal’ to begin with.

Scara didn't know what else to do, so they nodded and tried to ward off the sick feeling that consumed them the longer they remained seated in this hellscape. Why did they even feel so bad in the first place? They had only gone two days without sleeping, and barely eating anything due to the nauseous anxiety they felt. That was nothing.

Childe rubbed their back gently, and against their better judgement, Scara leaned into his touch, resting their head on his shoulder. They felt too tired to even hold themself up anymore, let alone keep their eyes open.

“Do you want me to call your mom for you?” Childe asked, sounding so tender and caring that it made Scara's heart flutter in their chest.

They considered it for a moment. They considered what Raiden would do about it, probably make them tough it out for the good of their education. Especially if she knew which class they were missing right now. They considered what she would ask, how had they gotten sick in the first place? She would listen to their speculations, and most likely blame their inability to properly care for themself.

Scara considered, and determined that she just… wouldn't understand.

“N-no, it's… fine.” Scara muttered. “Don't call her… call… Dad…” Their head slipped, and Childe caught them before they could fall.

“Give me your phone, okay? What's his name in your contacts?” Childe questioned, reaching a hand towards Scara.

They reached into their pocket and grabbed their phone, placing it into Childe's open hand with no issues. Luckily, their Vision had decided to finally behave, and stop knocking things over.

“His name is… Alhaitham.” Scara replied tiredly.

Scara searched through their contacts for the name, looking up at them every once in a while. He had an expression on his face that was hard for Scara to interpret, given their tired condition. He looked… intrigued, but also nervous.

“Hey.. I know this is kinda rude, since you're sick and all. But…” Childe paused and bit his lip, which was something Scara was sure they had never seen him do. “Is Mona your girlfriend?”

“Wha-” Scara felt as if Childe's questioning was trying their brain. They slumped a little more against his shoulder, covering their mouth to ward off the sick feeling. “No… no, of course not!” Scara replied, with as much conviction as they could muster.

They could have left it at that.

They should have stopped talking. But their feverish, stupid brain didn't allow it.

“Everyone seems to… think Mona and I are dating. But, like, she told me she isn't gay, so that's not possible.” Scara muttered. “Or, it could be. I don't even know anymore.” They laughed a little at their own misery.

“Uh… can you explain, please?” Childe looked at them softly, with a dazed look in his eyes. He probably couldn't understand anything they were saying.

Stop talking.

“Yeah, uh, Mona and I aren't lesbians. Well, Mona might be, but she won't admit it. I'm not though. We aren't dating.” Scara muttered. “I don't even know…” if I'm a girl at all, they thankfully didn't say.

Childe paused for a moment. “What…?” He whispered, more to himself than to Scara. “Wait, you're a girl!?”

Scara inhaled sharply, feeling as if they could double over, or throw up right then and there. “Y-yeah, I guess…” they muttered. It physically hurt to say, like barbed wire lining each and every word as it scraped past their throat.

“Oh…” Childe muttered. “Oh shit. I kinda fucked up, huh?” He laughed, though the situation wasn't really funny. “You know, I always thought you were a guy. I was way off.”

“Mona mentioned that you… you're bi, right?” Scara muttered, with a stupid, pathetic sliver of hope in their heart.

“...No.” Childe replied softly, subtly shifting his body away from them. “I'm gay.”

Scara stared straight ahead, and focused on keeping their breathing normal and blinking back their tears. All of their hope had just been crushed. Brutally, ruthlessly murdered. They wouldn't cry in front of him, damnit.

Scara forced themself to muster up enough strength to sit up, so they wouldn't be leaning on Childe anymore. It drained all of their energy away much faster, but they figured it was the best option they had. As soon as their position changed, gravity caught up to them, and they felt bile burning in their throat. They gritted their teeth, thinking. I absolutely refuse to throw up in front of Childe.

Covering their mouth, they turned away from him, swallowing hard. Childe sat up a bit straighter and called Alhaitham's number with their phone. It rang once, before he picked up. Scara half listened in a feverish daze while Childe explained that he was a classmate, and Scara was sick.

Not even friend.

They were a classmate to him.

That was somehow worse than being the silly, stupid, pathetic younger girl with a crush on him. It was so… impersonal. Cold. Like they didn't even know each other at all.

They couldn't wait to get the hell away from him. They felt like if they didn't, they would actually be sick. For one very naive, hopeful moment, they considered telling him the rest of the story. I don't know if I'm even a girl, though. I think I might be-

But what if that made things worse? What if he didn't believe it was a thing? Even Scara barely believed it was a thing, let alone a thing that described them.

What if he viewed it as a desperate attempt to make him like them again? Silly, pathetic girl preying on a gay man.

Bile burned in their throat and tears threatened to fall as they sat there, refusing to even look at him, trying their hardest to ignore the feverish haze that coated every thought like dust. Trying to ignore the hollowed-out aching in their chest, the exhaustion that made them wish they hadn't moved away from Childe's shoulder. Trying to ignore their stupid heart that, despite everything, was still pounding, and their stupid stomach that twisted and churned and fluttered when he looked in their direction.

Couldn't their stupid body catch up with their mind already?

It was over. They should start getting over him already, they should be mature about this. He didn't like them. So what? He probably never did, they were just naive and delusional like always. There was something wrong with them, like always. Stop crying like a fucking girl.

“Are- are you okay?” Childe whispered. Only then did they realize that they were crying. And he could see them, and he probably knew by now how much of an idiot they were. They deserved this pain, for being stupid enough to ever hope for anything.

No. Gods, no, I'm not. “Yea-” Their voice died halfway through the word. Pathetic. There was something wrong with them, something wrong something wrong wrong wrong-

“He’ll be here soon, okay? I'm sorry you… you're not feeling well right now.” Childe said, sounding sort of awkward as he did. He rubbed his neck and looked away from them as they continued to break down like a hot mess.

After several agonizing minutes sitting next to Childe and not even looking at each other, the front doors opened, and Alhaitham was silhouetted by the light coming from outside. He went straight towards Scara, pulling one of their arms around his shoulder.

He turned to look at Childe, who had stood up alongside Scara. “Thank you for calling… Ajax.” He gave him a nod of approval.

“No problem.” He replied, with most of his usual charm returning. “T-take care, Scara.” He muttered, then went straight for the nearest exit.

Scara didn't even look back at him. Instead, their gaze was fixed on the front doors only. They wrapped their arm tighter around Alhaitham's shoulder and said, “Get me the fuck out of here.”

###

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Scara's reply was cold, and ruder than they would have liked. They didn't want to treat Alhaitham so badly, after everything he's done for them. But everything was always so… complicated.

“Scara, ignoring your problems won't make them go away. Talking it through, potentially finding a solution, will make you feel better.” Alhaitham argued. Despite Scara's entire demeanor, he was as patient as ever, which annoyed them to no end. This patronizing, overly patient act was something he usually only pulled with Nahida when she was being stubborn.

A child. He was treating them like a child.

“Stop treating me like a child.” Scara called him on his bullshit.

“Stop acting like one.” Alhaitham replied, calmly enough that Scara really wanted to make him finally lose his shit.

“S-stop doing that!” Scara sobbed. “Stop analyzing m-me, and trying to make me t-talk to you. I don't want to talk to you. I hate y-you!”

They curled up like a shrimp on the passenger seat, hugging their knees and turning away from him so they couldn't see his face. They knew that their words might have an effect on him, and they didn't want to see the hurt on his face or they would feel guilty about it. And they didn't want to be guilty, they just wanted to be mean.

“That's just the fever talking.” Alhaitham insisted.

“It's not! It's true-” Scara's argument was futile, and they knew it. They hugged their knees tighter, trying not to throw up the entire time. All they wanted to do was sleep, but they couldn't even do that. They had too much on their mind.

Childe. He thought they were a boy the whole time. He might have even liked them. And then they ruined everything by opening their stupid mouth. He didn't like them anymore, because they were a girl.

He was going to see them as a girl forever now, no matter what they ever did to try and amend that. Just like Raiden. Just like Alhaitham, and Kaveh, and Nahida. The thought wasn't helping with their current state.

He wasn't bi, he was gay, not bi, gay, not bi, gay, I ruined everything.

“We’re almost there.” Alhaitham said quietly, without his usual tenderness. He sounded tired, like he was dropping an act he physically couldn't maintain anymore. Patience like his must take quite the toll. “Do you think you'll be able to stay for dinner? I could ask Raiden.”

“I don't know if I want any.” They pouted. “Also, fuck Raiden.”

Scara glanced up at Alhaitham, just in time to see a flash of fury on his face. The emotion twisted his intelligent features into something ugly. The look was foreign, and so unlike him, that it made Scara's stomach drop. “You shouldn't speak about her like that.” He said through gritted teeth. “Raiden is your mother, and deserves your respect.”

“Why? Why should I?” They challenged him, hoping to see more of the hidden furious-Alhaitham. “Why do you even care? She hates you. I have to jump through hoops to make her agree to even let me come here.” Their voice broke on the last few words, and they decided to pretend that it didn't happen.

She thinks you've influenced me. She's probably right. They didn't dare add. Influenced them how, he would surely ask, and they didn't want to explain.

“What she thinks of me is irrelevant. Everyone deserves basic respect from everyone, but especially their own children. It doesn't matter how wrong you think she is, that doesn't change that.” Alhaitham replied.

“That's stupid. It absolutely does.”

“You're acting quite rude right now yourself. Should I lose all of my respect for you, Scara?” Alhaitham questioned. When they couldn't think of an answer, too stunned by the knowledge that he might have had respect for them in the first place, he sighed heavily and opened the car door.

“Whenever you're ready to talk, meet me in my office.” He told them. As if it was a guarantee that they would want to talk to him at all.

What annoyed them the most was, he was right. He was always right.

The door slammed shut, and he left Scara behind in the car. They shivered uncontrollably. The fever, it's just the fever, they told themself. Their chest ached as they watched him walking away. All they wanted to do was unload every single thing onto him, so he could make all of their struggles disappear.

So he could help them.

So they wouldn't feel like they were alone, drowning in a sea of problems nobody else knew about.

But they couldn't. They knew they couldn't. It was ridiculous.

What would he think about what happened with Childe? Or Raiden, or Mona, or their stupid Vision? What would he think about…. That. The stupid, delusional, abnormal term that was the perfect fit in the worst, most unironic way possible. They weren't sure that even someone like Alhaitham would welcome them with open arms. They were just.. different.

They were just… wrong. Everything about them was wrong. Their thoughts, and actions, the things they said to people, their stupid body, and stupid feelings.

Wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

They suppressed a cry, along with another wave of sickness, curling even tighter on the car seat that had become their temporary solitude. Fucking stop it, I'm already a mess. They protested to themself. Why did they have to have a tantrum over every little thing nowadays? Crying like a baby, a girl, was pathetic and weak. If they kept acting like that, they would never be a real man-

“Shut UP-” They shrieked, and dug their fingers into the hair resting on their shoulders. Where had that thought even come from? “Shut up. Shut up. Stop it, it's not like that, I'm not like that-” They whispered desperately. “I'm not- I'm normal.”

Normal. They had to be.

For Raiden. For Alhaitham. For Nahida.

Her only proper role model.

They weren't even proper, let alone a good role model for anyone. They were living a life with thoughts filled with debauchery.

They were sobbing. On the passenger seat of someone else's car.

They were…

They…

He was falling apart.
###

Chapter Text

Scara reluctantly climbed out of the car after his little fit was over, and went inside with an air of defeat. They stumbled a little on the steps, cursing their feverish, sickly body. Stupid Alhaitham was right once again. He did want to talk to someone about all of his fucking problems.

When he opened the front door, Nahida and Kaveh appeared from the kitchen to check who it was. Once they saw that it was just Scara, they both relaxed a little.

“Oh. I thought you would've come inside already.” Kaveh said brightly. “How have you been, kid?”

Scara softened just a little, seeing them and hearing Kaveh's voice. He bent over to hug Nahida when she came up to them, holding tightly and burying his face in her hair.

“Were you crying, Scara?” She whispered in their ear. “Don't lie, I can tell. But Kaveh can't, I guess.”

“Y-yeah…” He muttered, looking away. “Don't worry, it's nothing…”

“Are you sure?” Nahida sounded worried, which touched him. “Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“No, I'm fine, Nahida. All you need to do is to keep being your regular self, okay?” They held her at arms length, and told her reassuringly. “That's all I need.”

“Okay.” She nodded, without breaking eye contact the entire time.

“Dinner’s almost ready. You're staying, right?” Kaveh, oblivious to their little moment, asked him.

“I… yeah. I will.” He replied, not even feeling hungry. His fever hadn't disappeared, just taken a momentary backseat to all of their other problems. He could feel his energy draining slowly, the nausea returning to the front of his mind with the absence of distraction.

“Alhaitham went into his office, said something about expecting you.” Kaveh raised his eyebrows, probably hoping for an explanation.

“Yeah, okay, whatever.” Scara grumbled back. “I'm going.” You win again, asshole. As soon as the thought concluded, he felt extremely bad about it. Alhaitham wasn't an asshole- well, he could be, but he had done so much for them. He didn't deserve treatment like that.

Scara slowly stood up, making sure he didn't look as bad as he felt in front of Kaveh, and began the march of shame to Alhaitham's office at the end of a hallway to their right. He could see that the door was half open, which was Alhaitham's idea of a closed invitation: you can come in, but shut the door behind you.

Scara hesitantly pushed through the door, and faced Alhaitham. He was sitting on a two person sofa beside a lit fireplace, waiting for them. They closed the door behind them, taking in the familiar surroundings of Alhaitham's office. There was a desk, covered in a few papers and a laptop, dozens of bookshelves lined every wall, and the room was filled with the scent of books and smoke from the fire.

“Look at me.” Alhaitham told him, obviously taking notice of his evasive measures. “Please, sit.” He patted the side of the couch closer to the warmth of the fire.

The thought of sitting down next to the fire made Scara feel relief. They were so tired, and feeling like shit, and he just wanted to rest for a moment. But he fought back the feelings, despite his greater judgement, in favor of pettiness.

“I'll stand, thanks.” He declared, with less conviction behind it than he'd been going for.

“Scara.” Alhaitham said sternly, giving them a look. “You look like you're about to collapse. Please, you must be tired.”

“I'm perfectly fine-” He protested tiredly. I'm not letting you win.

After several agonizing seconds of standing there and staring each other down, Scara sighed heavily and shuffled over to the couch. He fell down beside Alhaitham with a scowl on his face that rivaled Alhaitham's knowing smile.

“How are you feeling?” Alhaitham questioned, his usual patience returning.

“Like shit.” He replied.

Alhaitham frowned. “Physically, or mentally? Also, please mind your language, Scara.” He hated swearing above anything else, thinking that there were more civil ways to express certain feelings.

“Both.” Scara replied with a sigh.

“So you're still not feeling very well right now?” He reached forward to press his hand against Scara’s forehead, but they swatted him away. “May I inquire as to what happened earlier?”

“No.”

Alhaitham sighed. “Scara-”

“I don't want to talk about it.” They said through gritted teeth, turning away from him. They didn't want to even think about it, or Him, at all.

Childe, pulling away from them. Acting more closed off than before, like a barrier had been erected between them. “Oh shit… I kinda fucked up, huh?” He had laughed at them. “I was way off.” Way off. Of course he was. Of course.

“I'm not so sure that's true.” Alhaitham said gently, staring at him so intensely, he had to look away. “You look like you have a lot to say.”

“I-its nothing- I just-” He paused, unsure of how much to say. He couldn't tell Alhaitham everything, after all. He couldn't mention his stupid Vision, just in case Alhaitham told Raiden. He couldn't tell him about….that. The truth was an ugly, abnormal mess. Scara didn't think he was ready for Alhaitham to know that he was…

He was…

Just fucking say it. It's just a word, God damnit, he scolded himself internally.

He was trans. Hooray, how lucky.

Alhaitham was staring at them again, expectantly. With a somewhat shaky breath, Scara continued. “I'm just… Not feeling very good at all today.” The fatigue wasn't wearing off at all, unfortunately. But at least he didn't feel like vomiting, so he couldn't really complain too much. “H-how much did you… uh… interpret from that very short interaction with-” He cut himself off, before he could say his name.

“Do you mean, earlier at the school, with that boy?” Alhaitham wondered. He glanced at Scara who looked at the floor instead. “A lot.”

“Figures.” They muttered.

“Will you tell me about him, or do I have to guess?” Alhaitham questioned.

“I don't want to…” Scara grumbled. “But I know you're expecting me to anyway, and you always win, so…” They sighed heavily, not even believing what he was about to put himself through. “I… liked… him.”

Alhaitham laughed, and tried to cover it with a cough. To Scara's utter horror, he unexpectedly felt hot tears pressing against his eyes, and covered his face so Alhaitham wouldn't see. But of fucking course he knew, he always did.

“Hey… hey. Scara.” Alhaitham put a hand on his back, and rubbed in gentle circles while he sobbed uncontrollably. So fucking embarrassing. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I promise. It's just funny to think about, really.”

Fucking asshole. “How is this funny?” Scara hissed.

“I was just thinking, it's sort of ironic, because I know how you're feeling. I've had my fair share of guy troubles.” Alhaitham smiled softly, as if looking back on fond memories. “That's why I know, you'll get past this. Men can be assholes sometimes.”

“You think?” Scara snapped. Then, they looked away again. Allowing him to view Childe in that way felt like a betrayal. “He's not an… asshole. I'm the asshole.”

Alhaitham paused. “Oh? What happened?” He looked equal parts concerned and intrigued, and Scara hated him for being entertained by their fucking garbage disposal of a life.

Scara couldn't tell him the whole story, after all. He decided to stick with the truth, but change a few small details around so everything would still make sense. “I… asked him out.” Scara whispered, lying through his teeth.

They did ask if he was bi, but it wasn't the same, considering Childe asked them first if they were dating. But they were rolling with it, so everything would make sense without having to explain to Alhaitham the convoluted He-thought-I-was-a-boy-and- HEY-maybe-I-am-but-then-I-ruined-everything situation.

“Alright. I suppose I don't need to ask how that went.” Alhaitham replied carefully, probably trying not to set them off again.

Because he was just so emotional right now.

Scara immediately felt guilty for that thought. Those were their own internalized beliefs that he had weaponized against himself. Alhaitham would never think of him like that, and he felt a strange urge to apologize for it, even if Alhaitham would never even know about it.

“Do you want to tell me what exactly happened?” Alhaitham asked. “It's perfectly fine if you don't, but maybe I could… help you feel better about it.”

He doubted that. And, for some stupid reason, he didn't want to tell Alhaitham because it might be sort of… offensive. They weren't even sure of their own thought process on it, but tried to think of it how Alhaitham would. Scara got rejected by a gay man, and then cried about it. How wonderfully supportive of them.

Of course, there was more to the story. But naturally, he couldn't mention that part either. “It's… he just didn't feel the same way. That's all.” Scara looked away, hoping Alhaitham wouldn't notice how uncomfortable he felt about this conversation.

“That's a shame.” Alhaitham sighed. “You know, I've definitely been rejected for the same reason before. Most of the guys I found myself falling for were straight.”

He started looking at him in a certain way, almost like he knew exactly what Scara wasn't telling him, and was trying to reassure them that it was alright. Unable to stand his intense gaze, they looked in the complete opposite direction.

“It's kind of creepy when you do that.” Scara muttered. “Stop it.”

“Only when you stop hiding things from me.” He said, and his voice sounded almost… disappointed in them. “I won't force you to tell me, because that wouldn't be fair to you. You have your reasons, whatever they may be, to hide things from me. And I don't necessarily agree with you doing that, but… just know that you can tell me anything, if you choose to open up. Whatever it is, I'll listen.”

Scara glanced up at Alhaitham, and he was staring at them with a mixture of fondness, and disappointment. They sighed heavily, not wanting him to wear them down. But he had to admit that he couldn't completely quell the urge to tell Alhaitham everything that had been eating away at him for so long.

He even reached into his pocket, where the Vision still remained, and had never left. He wanted Alhaitham to be the first person to see it, after all. Look at this, he would say. I have a Vision now. They knew he would be proud of them.

So incredibly proud that he might tell Raiden.

Who didn't know.

Who would be insulted that she hadn't been the first to know.

Well, they couldn't do that. But then they thought of telling Alhaitham about everything else. Hey, they would say to him. I think I might be trans. Is that weird? Would he even know what that is? If he did, would he still stand by the fact that they could tell him anything?

They didn't want to test him. They didn't want to tell him anything, because the small doubt inside them said that he wouldn't understand. He would think they were abnormal, and a freak, and he would never want to see them again.

Sometimes, this house was the only place he could go to feel safe. To relieve stress. To feel welcome somewhere for once.

To feel loved.

He didn't want to ruin that.

“Scara.” Alhaitham jolted them out of their thoughts. They turned to face him, realizing they must have zoned out for several seconds. Something wet and hot trailed down their face, and Alhaitham reached forward and brushed the tears away with his hand. “I'm listening, okay?”

With nothing else to say, they nodded. “I know.”

Alhaitham waited, for what felt like an eternity. The need to tell him something, anything, pressed up against their chest like a weight, bottled up pressure they couldn't release. The longer they sat in silence, the longer Scara yearned to fill it, which they knew was what Alhaitham was aiming for. They repressed everything, again and again, until it stopped rearing its ugly head and finally just gave up.

Alhaitham, too, gave up. He placed his hands on his knees for some support as he stood up, and said, “I'll go check if dinner’s ready yet.” Both of them knew that Kaveh would tell them if it was. He was giving them an out, and as much as it bothered them, they were taking it.

“Okay.” Scara whispered.

The door opened with a slight creak, then shut behind him. Muffled footsteps from the other side of the door, disappearing down the hall. When Alhaitham left, it felt like he took all of the air and the warmth right out of the room with him. Every noise faded to a dull roar in Scara's ears, and their vision blurred with tears.

He doubled over, pushing his head between his knees and staring at the floor. “Damnit, stop…” he whispered. “Not here… please, anywhere but here-”

This was Alhaitham's fucking office. He could come back at any second, and find out just how much of a mess they really were.

“Get it together, asshole.” He muttered to himself. “You're being a big baby. You're fine, it's fine, everything's fine!”

Slowly, they managed to sit up again and breathe almost properly by the time Alhaitham came back, just like they knew he would. He poked his head in, and saw only a normal, perfectly okay kid just hanging out on his couch. Nothing to see here.

“Dinner’s ready, if you still want any,” he said.

They felt completely drained and exhausted, mentally and physically. But they hadn't eaten a proper meal in two days, having been too tired to cook, or even choke down a microwave dinner. His lack of energy was probably because of that, anyway. He needed to eat. But he couldn't seem to convince his feet to move.

“I… I don't know. I'm kind of tired.” Scara whispered. “I'll eat at home, I'm sorry.”

“It's alright, there's no need to apologize.” Alhaitham gave him that disappointed look again. “I'll drive you, okay?”

Scara nodded, forcing himself to stand and walk to Alhaitham's car. He threw open the door of the backseat, shutting it behind them before Alhaitham could question it. Alhaitham sat in the driver's seat without a word of protest.
###

Chapter Text

Scara really wanted to think they were better than this. However, he was currently having the biggest breakdown he had ever had right in the middle of his own bedroom. It was like something in him had finally snapped. Given up.

It was in the middle of the god damn night. Alhaitham had insisted on walking Scara to his apartment, even though that meant meeting face to face with Raiden. Her disapproving stare had made Scara want to shrivel up and disappear, but Alhaitham remained so controlled somehow. Of course she had asked why he was with those people, and when he told her he was sick, she wondered why he didn't call her.

Nothing and nobody was ever good enough for her, unless she was in control of everything. She didn't give a shit that they hadn't been feeling well, she didn't even give a single shit. She never stopped to question why Alhaitham was the first person they thought of to take care of them. She just got insulted.

When Raiden asked if he'd eaten already, he told her yes. And all she had to say was, “At least you got a hot meal tonight.” She just sighed and shook her head, and poured herself a glass of wine. Not even bothering to verify if they were telling her the truth.

It was the middle of the night, and they didn't give a shit if they woke her up. They would raise hell, and wake up the entire building if he could. And nobody would fucking stop him.

Scara had finished ripping apart every picture in their room with Raiden in it, when he stopped for a moment, and fell to his knees right in front of the mirror facing their bed. He stared at himself silently, for several minutes. Longing for something that felt like it was missing, something he couldn't even describe. He just looked so wrong, that he didn't even know how to change it. He didn't want to see himself like this, or ever again.

He ripped the sheet off of his bed, and stood up, planning to toss it over the mirror. Instead, his Vision had other ideas. After three days, the stupid thing was still full of surprises, apparently.

He flicked his wrist, letting go of the sheet so it would fall over the mirror. Instead, a gust of wind so sharp and thick that it was literally visible tore both the sheet, and the mirror behind it, cleanly in half. The top half of the mirror slowly slid from the bottom, to the floor, and landed with a dull thud. All of the glass in the top half of the mirror shattered from the impact, and scattered across Scara’s feet.

All of that… in barely five seconds.

Scara stood, frozen, for twice the amount of time as that minor little inconvenience. Then, he slowly released the breath he'd been holding, and clawed his fingers through his hair.

“W-what the fuck.” He whispered to himself, stumbling backwards and falling onto his bed. He stared at the giant mess he had made, thinking it was the perfect visual representation for the current state of his life, as well. “I just want to fucking die.”

A nervous laugh crawled up his throat, one that he couldn't push back. All he could do was stare at it, and agonize over how the hell he'd be able to hide it from Raiden.

Scara stared down at his hands in his lap, feeling worthless and pathetic. He was in control here. Not the stupid Vision. Him. And somehow, he would need to learn how to properly handle this new power all by himself.

###

“So…” Mona said the second she saw Scara at school that day. “Spill. What happened with Childe yesterday?” She sounded so cheerful, so thrilled on their behalf, that it physically hurt to listen to. His stomach clenched and twisted, and his mouth went completely dry.

“Mona…” Scara breathed in deeply, ignoring the burning in their eyes. “He's… he's gay, Mona.” They wiped their eyes with their hand instead of their sleeve, though it wasn't very effective.

“Oh… oh, Scara…” Mona pulled him into her arms rather dramatically, attempting to soothe them. “I'm sorry about that, I really am. I…. I'm the one who told you that… I misled you.”

“Mona, stop, it's fine.” Scara whispered. “Everyone's staring, and it's making me feel worse. It's already bad enough that I have to see him again, every single day.”

“I feel terrible.” Mona sighed. “I can't even begin to express how sorry I am, really.”

“It's fine. Just…don't.” Scara stood up from their desk, feeling sort of sick at the thought of having to stare at Childe's stupid, handsome face in two hours. “I'm going to the bathroom, okay?”

Mona nodded, waving them away. She probably thought he was going to lock himself in a stall and cry until fourth period. Honestly, Scara thought that didn't sound like such a bad idea… He wanted to forget about everything for a while. Especially Childe.

As if it were a twisted act of fate, Scara rounded the corner towards the bathrooms, and slammed directly into his chest. Both of them stumbled backwards, but unlike the first time they'd met, Childe didn't bother trying to steady him.

That fucking hurt.

“We, uh… Really have to stop running into each other like this. Literally.” Childe joked, as if anything was normal.

“Fine by me.” Scara replied coldly. What a wonderful impression they were giving Childe right now, acting like a brat because he rejected them.

“Hey, we’re okay, right?” Childe said. “We could still be friends?”

Scara didn't bother answering, he just turned and started to walk away. What happened next, he never would have expected. Childe reached out and grabbed Scara's wrist, holding tighter the more they tried to pull away.

“Let go of me!” Scara protested, trying to pry his hand away, rather than risk tearing their hand away and hurting themself.

“Just tell me, what is your problem?” Childe said. “Are you going to hate me now? Just because I rejected you, like I always would have if you'd been honest from the very beginning about… about-”

“About what?” Scara snapped. “I've done nothing but be honest, I have no idea what you're talking about. Now let go of me!”

“You're a girl, Scara!” Childe shouted. “And you didn't tell me.”

Scara flinched, the familiar ache tearing through their chest at the sound of his words. They turned their head away from him, not wanting him to see them in pain.

“No… no shit. I thought you knew that from the start. I thought you-” would like me. Scara stared at the floor, tears threatening to spill once again.

Childe was staring at them, with a concerned look on his face. “Why did you flinch like that?” He whispered.

Scara froze. What the hell could they even say to that? You told me the truth, that I'm a girl! The horror! “You… you're hurting me-” their voice shook.

Before they could think it through, they shoved Childe away from them. Their Vision decided to make an appearance at that horribly inconvenient moment, and Scara shoved Childe so hard that his head made an audible crack against the opposite wall.

They watched with horror as he fell to the floor and slumped forward, clutching his head. When they ran over to check on him, they fell to their knees. It hurt like hell, but they barely noticed because they hurt Childe.

“Alright then…. We're even, got it-” Childe muttered, slurring his words slightly. “You push pre-tty hard for… such an age- a young- you're so small, too…”

“Oh- gods, oh no, oh my god- Childe?” Scara panicked, thinking they had permanently given him brain damage or something. “Are you okay? Childe?”

“I'm alright, I’m- I can stand, okay?” He insisted when Scara pulled one of his arms around their shoulder and attempted to drag him to his feet. He used the wall to make their life easier, and pushed himself off the floor.

“But can you walk?” Scara questioned.

“If you… help me.” Childe panted. “Fuck, that hurt…”

“I'm sorry- I'm sorry-” Scara choked back a sob.

“Take me… to the nurse, okay-” Childe stumbled, leaning most of his weight on Scara. They decided to use their Vision to help support him, figuring he wouldn't even notice. Plus, they needed the help.

Scara half dragged, half carried Childe through the hallways, shoving their way through the door to the front office. When they approached Ganyu, she didn't even make them check in. She just waved them through to the nurses office. That wasn't too surprising, considering the state Childe appeared to be in.

Scara pushed Childe onto a small cot inside the nurses office, facing the doctor. His name tag read ‘Dr. Baizhu.’

He looked up from his desk. “Did you check in already? I didn't see the relevant information appear.”

“Uh- she just waved us through. He's kind of… not doing so good.” Scara said guiltily, refusing to meet anyone's eyes.

Baizhu sighed, getting his first look at Childe. “What happened to him?”

“I… I pushed him, and he hit his head…” Scara whispered. They felt so ashamed to be saying it out loud.

“On the floor?” Baizhu questioned sternly, glaring at them.

“T-the wall, actually.” Scara replied. “From the opposite side of the hallway…”

“Archons- how in the hell?” Baizhu slammed his hand down on his desk. “You need to be more careful, young man.” Before Scara could even bother going through the motions of correcting him, he added, “Was this action assisted by a Vision?”

Scara winced slightly, glancing back at Childe. “I… don't have one. But he does.”

Baizhu gave them a look that reminded them of Alhaitham. “Are you sure? My elemental sight is detecting quite a bit of Anemo energy…”

Scara felt their heart leap into their throat. “I-”

“My… classmate and I were… spending some time together, practicing.” Childe called from the cot by the door. “He's an.. Anemo.”

Scara had no idea if it was true, or if Childe was lying for them. How would he even know to do that? And why?

“Ah. I see...” Baizhu said. And he did. He saw right through it. “I suppose that's plausible. However, I'll need this Anemo classmate’s name to verify your story.”

“His name is Xiao.” Childe replied easily. Scara couldn't even look at him while he spoke, especially since Childe was staring at them.

Baizhu’s disapproving gaze burned a hole through their neck, but they would rather be locked in a room with Childe and forced to come clean about everything than spend another second in here with Baizhu staring at them like that.

“I'm just… concerned about you.” He said sternly. “You're acting like you've got something to hide. You're stressed, jumpy. You look like you haven't slept in days.”

Scara choked on a bitter laugh. “I haven't. And I'm stressed because I shoved this guy into a wall. From the other side of the hallway. Don't you think you should check on him?”

In the end, Scara's logic won out. Baizhu glanced between both of them, then said, “I suppose so. It's likely that he'll have a concussion…”

“Thank you~” Childe said brightly. “D’you think I can be hospitalized so I'll miss detention?”

Baizhu sighed. “We'll see.”

###

“I want to see you after class, Scara.” Diluc announced right before the bell rang. Mona gave them a worried look, but they dismissed her offer to wait up for him.

“What did you need, sir?” Scara asked, trying not to sound like they were dreading this conversation quite as much as they actually were.

“I'll get straight to the point. There are several people who suspect that you're hiding a Vision.” Diluc glared at them sternly.

“Wha- who?” Scara protested.

“That's not relevant. I'm not going to search you, if that's what you're worried about. I want to give you a chance to have some accountability and responsibility.” Diluc explained. “If you did, you would own up to it yourself.”

Scara sighed. “I don't have a Vision. Can I go now?”

Diluc’s eyes narrowed. “I don't think you understand how dangerous Visions can be, when they aren't properly handled. Without proper training. They can hurt people, yours could even hurt you.”

Scara artfully avoided his gaze. “I… I'm not hiding anything.” They lied, their chest aching as they did. “I swear.”

Diluc folded his arms calmly, and said, “Whatever you say. I hope for your sake that you aren't lying.” He dismissed them with a wave of his hand.

Scara avoided his eyes as they gathered their things, and shoved out the door as fast as they possibly could.

“What did he want to talk about?” Mona asked curiously.

Scara stared at her shoes, hating himself for lying to everybody. “Nothing. Just… class stuff. It's fine.” He brushed off her concern.

“Hey, I was wondering if we could study together at your house?” Mona questioned. “Since you have been to my place, but I have yet to see yours.”

Their mind instantly went to Raiden. Shit. Scara had forgotten that he promised to let Mona come over sometime soon. “Might as well do it today,” he shrugged, trying to appear casual. So we can get this over with.
###

Chapter Text

When Mona arrived at their apartment, the very first thing she wanted to do was go to the pool. “I thought you said you wanted to study.” Scara crossed his arms and sighed.

“It's a free pool, Scara. A free. Pool.” Mona argued. “The weather is nice today.”

“It'll be perfectly fine tomorrow, too.” They retorted.

“You can't guarantee that. I just wanna swim for a little while!” Mona whined.

“Ugh, you planned this, didn't you?” Scara threw their hands up agitatedly, and groaned knowing that Mona was getting her way again.

“I… might be wearing a bathing suit under my clothes.” Mona said, by way of confirmation.

“Mona.”

“Look, forget studying.” Mona's expression turned somber, almost guilty. “I know you've been feeling down because of Childe. I… kinda fucked up, didn't I?” Mona laughed nervously, completely unaware of the effect her words had on him.

I kinda fucked up, didn't I? I was way off.

All they could think about was his face, the shock and disbelief, the rift that had formed between them with those few words. He was distant now, all because he knew the truth. Because Scara had deceived him.

He didn't fuck up, Scara thought. Neither did Mona. I did.

“Don’t- Mona, it's fine.” Scara whispered. “Im… okay. It doesn't matter, really-”

“Bullshit!” Mona sounded insulted. “He was your first crush. That totally matters. These are world shattering things, Scara.”

“Thanks for such an uplifting reminder.”

“I totally ruined that for you, because I'm a misinformed idiot. So now, were taking a break from everything, and going to the fucking pool.” Mona clapped her hands together decisively, plastering a smile on her face. “Okay?”

“Fine…” Scara gave in, for her benefit.

It would be kind of nice to hang out and just talk for a while. No Raiden. No Childe. Just him, and Mona, and the warm sun and the water. Without Itto showing up and dumping them in the water again, maybe they could enjoy this.

“Yes! Hell yeah, let's go, please.” Mona celebrated. “Come on, you're so slow!”

“Because I'm walking, Mona. You're practically sprinting right now.” Scara called after her. “You don't even know where you're going!”

“I can find out!” She called back, pressing the elevator button. Luckily, the wait was long enough for Scara to finally catch up to her and stop her from running off without him again.

“I'll show you where it is, okay? You're so impatient.” Scara sighed.

“Ah. I see.” Mona said. “I'll let you lead the way, then. You know I have no sense of direction.”

“Clearly,” they muttered, quiet enough that she wouldn't hear.

###

When Scara and Mona arrived at the pool, it wasn't empty like Scara had been expecting, or rather, hoping. The only thing that could have possibly been worse than its occupants, Mualani and Itto, was if Xilonen had been there too. Things would have gone so wrong with Xilonen and Mona in the same place together.

Hell, things could still spiral out of control now. Scara was starting to realize how exhausting and painful secrets could be. They briefly considered coming clean about everything to Mona and the others, then thought of what Raiden would do, and convinced himself that everything would be fine if it just stayed how it was now.

“Oh my gods, I've been so excited this whole time!” Mona exclaimed. “I can't wait! I bet the water feels so good!”

“I know, right?” Mualani laughed, beckoning her over. “Don’t think I've seen you before. What Vision do you have, first of all? Lemme guess: Hydro, right?”

“Actually, I don't have one yet.” Mona sighed wistfully, lowering herself into the water. “And I'm not actually a resident of this place, I'm here with a friend.” She grinned and turned to look back at Scara. “Come on, what are you waiting for?”

Scara sighed, hoping they wouldn't ask any questions, and Mona wouldn't answer them. “I'm good, Mona. I'll just… sit over here.” They sauntered over to the pool chairs, not bothering to hide the glare they shot at Itto.

“I think Scara’s still a bit salty about the pool chair incident. Xilonen too.” Mualani told Itto. “That was kinda fucked, dude.”

“Hey, I didn't know he couldn't swim!” Itto said, defending his honor. “And they kinda deserved it, too….”

“What's the pool chair incident? Please, share,” Mona said, grinning when she noticed the look of pure horror on Scara's face.

“Please don't,” they muttered.

“Aw, someone's embarrassed!” Mualani laughed.

He wasn't embarrassed. He was worried. It was only a matter of time before someone said something to Mona that she wouldn't understand, or Mona would go on about something that contradicted what Scara had led them to believe.

Everything was hanging in the balance here. One slip, and everything they had so carefully maneuvered around could shatter like the mirror in their room.

“So, me and my boys were arriving to hang at the pool. And we wanted those pool chairs over there, right?” Itto began dramatically. “And Xilonen and Scara were being rude, and refusing to hand them over.”

“Don't act so innocent, Itto. You dumped them into the pool. You knew it was a bad idea!” Mualani said, splashing him.

“I already said, I thought he could swim!” Itto protested.

“Okay? But you know for a fact Xilonen hates water!” Mualani shot back.

“Well, she deserves it.” Itto muttered. “For being such a bitch.”

“I'm telling her you said that.” Mualani replied gleefully.

Mona looked slightly lost in their conversation, just as Scara had feared. “Who's Xilo-”

Thankfully, Itto interrupted her question. Not so thankfully, he did so by saying, “So. Mona, was it? I just gotta ask…” He pretended to be nonchalant for a few moments. “Are you Scara’s girlfriend or something?”

“What-” Scara screeched from the chair, covering their face. “No-”

Mualani and Itto ignored him. “Gods, do you have to be so blunt about it? Poor Scara. Itto, you're embarrassing-”

Itto interrupted Mualani. “Let's let Mona tell us. I'm curious.”

Mona sighed, looking fed up. “Why does everyone think we’re dating? Why does everyone say that? We're just friends, okay?”

“Damn…. Friendzoned. That's rough, buddy.” Itto said, shaking his head at Scara sympathetically.

“Wait-” Mona paused. “Why are you being sympathetic? Scara, I thought you liked Childe. Why does Itto think it's rough that I… do you like me?” Mona went on an overthinking rant, which Scara immediately tried to resolve.

“I don't know why he thinks that, okay? I didn't tell him anything like that-” Scara assured her. “I don't like Mona like that. We're friends.”

“Uh huh. Uh huh.” Mualani nodded enthusiastically. “So who's this… Childe?”

“Oh, this guy Scara liked-” Mona blurted out, which immediately had Itto’s and Mualani's heads swiveling towards him. “But he didn't reciprocate. It's kinda sorta my fault, because I told Scara he was bi, and he wasn't, so. Blame me, guys.” Mona continued obliviously.

“Damn, dude. That's rough.” Itto said. “Like, that he didn't- that's rough.”

“Yeah. Sorry, dude.” Mualani said sympathetically. “Was he like, chill about it, or… J-just so you know, we’re chill, right Itto?” She nudged him with her elbow, really hard.

“R-right!” Itto said, louder than necessary.

“It was…. Alright. He wasn't like, mean or anything. I was kind of an asshole about it, honestly.” Scara admitted, shrugging slightly.

“Gasp- you didn't tell me that!” Mona said, sounding scandalized.

“Did… did you just say ‘gasp’?” Scara said incredulously.

“Yes- Now spill! What happened with Childe?” Mona begged.

“Yes, please tell us!” Mualani said.

“He… well, I kind of not subtly asked him if he was… interested.” Scara stammered like an idiot, trying to find a covert way to explain everything without causing everything to crumble and fall apart. It was a miracle it hadn't happened already. “He wasn't."

“Shit, I'm sorry. Classic story. You fall in love with someone who's straight. Happens to the best of us.” Itto shook his head sympathetically.

Scara could practically feel the illusion start to fall apart, as Mona's face shifted to a look of utter confusion.

“You're straight, Itto….” Mualani reminded him. “That's never happened to you.”

“I'm trying to be supportive here, Mualani.” Itto scowled. “You're like, totally ruining the vibe here.”

“Uhh… I think the ‘vibe’ is non-existent.” Mona muttered. “Childe is gay, not straight… that's why he wasn't interested.”

Fucking shit.

“Oh… oh, wait-” Itto looked so brain-fried, Scara could practically see his head smoking. “You're… Scara, are you a girl? Since when?”

“Wait… are you like, trans or something?” Mualani wondered. She must have seen a hint of silent panic on Scara's face, because she jumped to reassure them. “We're chill, remember. Totally chill, no matter what.”

Scara wanted to laugh at the irony of everything. The question has been presented, so fucking perfectly. But from the wrong direction. What the fuck.

“What are you talking about now?” Mona wondered, sounding just as lost as Itto. “Scara's always been a girl, for the entire time I've known her.”

“Oh shit, we fucked up.” Mualani bit her lip awkwardly, turning to Scara. “Why didn't you say something?”

I kinda fucked up, didn't I?

I was way off.

They had no words. None.

What were they supposed to say to that? What were they supposed to do?

Everything was falling apart.

All he could think of was Childe's words, piercing straight through his fragile heart. His face when he said it: bewildered, and awkward, and crushed.

This was the part Scara hadn't wanted to admit, even to himself.

Childe had looked so… disappointed.

He only could have looked disappointed if he had just had his hopes crushed. He quite possibly had returned Scara's feelings. Until they ruined everything.

They always ruined everything.

Things had been going so well. There were people who saw him, finally. And one by one, reality caught up with them and rushed past, too far to ever get ahead of it again. And now… the perceived truth was out, and fully cemented within everybody's minds for a final time.

A girl.

That's what they would always be. Unless they wanted to live their life maintaining a fragile balance, constantly riddled with anxiety while teetering over an edge.

This was something that, no matter how hard he tried, he would never escape.

Without even thinking it through, Scara stood up on shaking legs, avoiding everybody's gaze. Their voices faded to a dull roar, until he couldn't hear or feel anything at all. Then they turned, and walked away.

###

“What was that?” Mona whispered, blocking the elevator buttons with her body. They had been unfortunate enough to get stuck by the elevator, waiting for the door to open, giving Mona enough time to catch up to them.

Avoiding her questions while they were confined in a small, suffocating box proved to be rather difficult. Especially when she was blocking the only possible exit.
The only possible escape.

They felt an uncomfortable, clogged feeling in their throat, and an ache in their pounding heart like something was tearing it to shreds. He felt that, if the doors didn't open soon to let them out, he wouldn't be able to breathe anymore.

They watched with anxious anticipation as the elevator stopped on the floor right before theirs, just for Mona to immediately press the button for floor seven when the doors opened.

“Sorry. We're kinda busy.” She told the aggravated, would-be passenger. When the doors shut again, she glared full force at Scara. “Why are you keeping me in the dark? What the- I don't even know what to ask!” She sighed, resting her head in her hand.

They couldn't speak. Their voice had died, long before they ever even left the pool. Long before Mona even spoke the words that changed the course of everything.

Things had been going so well, too.

“Well? Why- it kinda seemed like they- no it, did seem like they thought you were a boy.” She wrinkled her nose, and said the word like it was a slur.

“I didn't tell them that.” Scara croaked.

“But… you must have known that, right?” Mona protested. “There's no way you didn't. Like she said, why didn't you correct them? Is there something-”

“No.” Scara insisted, already knowing what she would ask. If they didnt tell anyone they were fucking trans, they still had plausible deniability. They couldn't risk telling anyone anything, for fear that it might somehow get back to Raiden. They would just have to deal with everyone thinking they were…

Thinking they…

“I… don't think I believe that anymore.” Mona whispered, turning away from him. She sniffled, wiping at her face, which made Scara feel really fucking shitty.

“Mona-”

The elevator doors opened again, on floor seven. Thankfully, the hallway the doors opened to was empty. Mona sighed. Before pressing anything else, she turned to them with a somber and distant expression on her face.

“Are you going to talk to me, Scara?”

Before he could have the chance to answer, the elevator was called down to a different floor. The doors opened, and, of course, it was Xilonen. She stepped inside, completely disregarding the tense atmosphere, with a curious glance at Mona.

He needed to escape. Get out of here.

The doors were about to close. Before they could trap him there again, Scara forcefully shoved the doors back open with the use of his Vision, holding them in place with a fair amount of strain when they tried to shut once again.

Mona’s expression was a mixture of shock and hurt, as she stood and watched them, too stunned to move or even speak. Bewildered and amused, Xilonen pushed one of the buttons. The doors twitched, but Scara didn't waver, and they remained in place. Although quivering slightly in time with Scara’s own strained trembling, the doors held just long enough for them to step out of the Gods forsaken thing.

“Damn.” Xilonen muttered, turning to Mona. “Did you know about that?”

They never heard what Mona had to say before they released their hold on the elevator doors, and the doors slammed together so hard that they crumpled slightly from the force.

The sound reverbated through the hallway, loud enough that several people opened their doors and peered out at Scara as he stomped back to their apartment. They weren't looking forward to seeing Raiden later that day when work ended. They weren't looking forward to her overbearing nature, her expectations of them to cook something, inevitable disappointment when they decided not to. It was suffocating, more so than being in the elevator with Mona.

They opened, then shut the front door gently, since they didn't want to cause further disruption or destruction of apartment property. Then, he leaned against the front door and slid to the floor with their back against it.

The cold, hard wood dug uncomfortably into their back, and all the lights in the apartment had been turned off, leaving the place feeling as dim and bleak as his current mood. Fitting.

“This fucking sucks.” Scara whispered quietly, resting his head on his knees and trying not to cry for what felt like the millionth time that week. Since when had he been so… fragile?

Broken?

Everything had been going so well.

I kinda fucked up…

Didn't I?
###

Chapter Text

After a few pathetic minutes of wallowing in their own pity, Scara had forced himself to get off the floor and do something productive to distract himself. And the activity of his choice happened to be homework, which he took into the kitchen instead of his room. The change of scenery was sort of nice, actually.

Lately, his room felt like nothing but a cage. It was usually dark and dirty, since he didn't have the energy or care to clean it up. The kitchen looked fresh, put together, and bright. It even smelled really nice, due to a floral arrangement Raiden had brought home.

They lost themself in the monotonous task for an hour or so. It wasn't hard or interesting work, but it occupied him just as he'd hoped it would. He started to feel his heart rate going down, and he felt more relaxed and less jumpy than earlier. He started feeling sort of ashamed of how childish he had acted and handled things before, his problems feeling blissfully far away.

In that moment, letting their mind wander wherever it decided to go, they felt a sort of detachment from the entire world around them. A disconnect from their body, and where they were right now. He was nothing but a wanderer, floating through the void. It felt nice, to forget that he was even a person at all.

The front door opened, the sound barely registering in Scara's mind. They were aware of it, but paid no attention. It didn't seem to matter, or bother them very much at that moment. Everything felt so far away, like they were looking down on everything from the sky. Their problems were so small and manageable at this height.

They were finally free.

“Scara.” Raiden snapped, shaking their shoulder and jolting them from their daze. He looked up at her, feeling confused as to why she was here right now, and angry at him. “I've been trying to talk to you for almost a minute, and you were ignoring me.”

“Oh… I-” wasn't trying to? Come on, would she even believe that? “I'm sorry.” He muttered, figuring it was what she would want to hear the most.

Raiden was staring at them, in a way that made them uncomfortable. She had never looked at him like that before, like he was a puzzle she was trying to solve. Or perhaps, an invasive species disturbing her fragile ecosystem.

“There's something… I want to talk to you about.” She said, in a cold and distant sounding voice. That voice, the air of indifference it carried, worried them. She was either about to mention a small complaint she had, or one of the worst misdeeds they had ever committed against her. There was no in-between, with that voice.

“I… okay.” Scara replied, trying not to let their voice sound shaky or nervous. The worst thing they could do when facing Raiden was allow her to know how much of an impact she was having on their nerves.

Raiden sighed, pressing her fingers against her temples. She looked older, more tired, then Scara had remembered her being. Although, it had been awhile since he had bothered to look. She had a few gray strands of hair resting above her left ear. Without saying a word, she walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. There was a tension in her shoulders that closely mirrored Scara's own.

What could she possibly have to say?

She returned with the bottle and a wineglass, sitting across from Scara with a stern and otherwise emotionless expression on her face. “I spoke to some of the neighbors on the way back.” She said.

Scara felt a chill run through their entire body, from their spine to their toes. They tried to remain casual, pretending that they hadn't just felt like they were going to have a heart attack. “Who?” They questioned, in what they had hoped would be an apathetic way. He sounded nervous, even to his own ears.

Raiden sighed, pouring the wine in the glass and taking a sip. “Itto. Mualani.” She took another, longer sip, which Scara figured was entirely purposeful. Their theory was all but confirmed when she stared directly into their eyes, boring through their soul, as she set the glass back down on the table. “Xilonen.”

Fuck.

“O-oh…” Scara muttered dumbly. They had no idea what else to even say. How did they put into words the feeling that every single thing they had was slipping through their fingers like sand?

“They had some interesting things to discuss.” Raiden clarified.. “About you.”

Double fuck.

“Oh.” Scara repeated like an idiot. “Like… like what?”

Raiden's eyes narrowed, and all Scara could do was feel relief that they had finally pissed her off. At least now they wouldn't have to walk on eggshells, trying to avoid a fight that was inevitable from the start. Now it could at least be over with.

They had tried. There was always that.

“Don't you play dumb with me, Scara.” Raiden hissed. “You know what I'm talking about, or you wouldn't be acting like a nervous wreck.”

“Okay, whatever.” Scara groaned, officially giving up on pleasantries. “Please clarify exactly which thing you wanted to yell about first?” They huffed, starting to feel just as angered as Raiden. She was always a natural at bringing out the worst in them.

“You have a Vision!?” Raiden stood swiftly, and slammed her hands down on the table as she yelled at them, wine sloshing over the rim of her glass. The glass itself, along with the table, rattled from the force of the blow. “When exactly were you planning on telling me?”

Scara crossed their arms, trying to glare at her and be intimidating so she wouldn't notice how shaken he felt, watching her. She had never been angry like this before, from what he'd seen. He didn't know what to expect from her anymore, and that scared him.

“I… don't know. I don't know.”

“You weren't.” Raiden stated. “Were you?”

“I… w-would have… Eventually.” Scara whispered, knowing how lame it sounded. Their voice wasn't doing them any favors either, deciding to become scratchy and higher pitched.

“Do you realize how stupid you've been?” Raiden shouted. “Do you realize how dangerous Visions are, when wielded without practice or proper training?” Her breathing had become heavier, faster, but her expression remained almost calm.

“Yes, I-”

“No. You don't.” Raiden shouted. “Even trained Vision wielders can lose control in moments of high emotion, or stress… You- you destroyed a fucking elevator door. I have to pay for that!”

Scara felt the strange, but welcome detachment again. Like a cold breeze washing over their entire body, carrying them away. “So what?”

“Excuse me?”

“Who gives a shit about the fucking door?!” Scara screamed at her, loud enough that the neighbors could probably hear. “I didn't even break it, it just bent a little-”

“No, it did not-” Raiden interrupted angrily, her normally dark eyes glowing a bright violet. Scara didn't feel uncomfortable or scared, though. They were just really pissed that she was trying to intimidate them, and even more pissed that she thought it would work.

“Let me fucking talk!” Scara sobbed. “Who cares about the fucking door, when you- you didn't even ask about what element the Vision is. You d-didnt even ask about me!”

Raiden breathed in, then out again, slowly. Reassuming the role of the rational and respectable one. “You're acting rather childish, Scara.” She said carefully. “I didn't need to ask about you, because you're clearly fine.”

The words cut like a knife, ran all the way through, deeper than anything else had ever touched.

“Besides.” Raiden slowly lowered herself back down into her chair, and sipped from her wine glass. “I already got quite enough information from the neighbors. Leading into my next point.”

They felt numb. Like they just wanted to disappear.

“From here on out, I am forbidding you from… visiting those people.” Raiden said, somehow managing to imbue every single syllable with overwhelming disgust.

They were going to be sick.

“Y-y-you mean…” Scara felt like they couldn't even speak.

“Alhaitham and Kaveh, yes.” Raiden spat their names like a curse.

They could feel their chest hurting, and their stomach twisting into knots, and they just wanted to sink into the floor and never come back again, or drop dead right now, or let the numbness completely consume them, so they wouldn't have to feel anymore. They wanted to drown in it, the cold nothingness that reached for them like an enticing embrace.

“Why-” they could barely muster the strength to break free from the darkness's hold, and say. “Why are you b-bringing them into this? What did they do?”

Raiden sighed heavily, looking at them with a mixture of pity and disappointment. “I had an intriguing conversation with Xilonen, to say the least.” Every word was sharp like a blade, and Raiden looked like she was holding something back. Her eyes were still glowing with a slightly menacing quality.

“That doesn't explain-”

“Just like I said they would!” Raiden snapped, having continued what she was saying before even though they had been speaking. She always disregarded what he wanted to say, so it wasn't a surprise. “That's all those people do, is try to influence everyone around them to be degenerates just like them!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Scara shouted, standing up just as she had done before, leaning over her in an attempt to appear less nervous than he actually was.

“They thought Mona was your girlfriend.” Raiden spat, also pushing back from her chair, and towering over Scara with an intimidating height.

“So? She isn't!” Scara protested. “And even if she was-”

“The mere thought disgusts me.” Raiden ranted. “Thats not the way things should be. The way things have always been! People like Alhaitham are trying to corrupt you with their… their lifestyle-”

The mere thought disgusts me.

“And, possibly even worse, they didn't even know you were a girl, according to Xilonen.” Raiden’s glare became even more intimidating. “Just what the fuck are you playing at? What did you tell them?”

“I-I didn't tell them anything! They just thought-”

“And you knew what they thought! You had many chances to correct everyone, chances that you did not take.” Raiden was livid, trying to even out her breathing. There were small jolts of electricity jumping and arcing between her fingers, which were splayed out on the table.

Scara thought back to what she had mentioned about losing control, and swallowed hard.

“Tell me what's going on. Right. Now.” Raiden stated plainly.

Disgusts me.

The only thought running through their mind was, ‘she thinks I'm disgusting. And wrong.’

“I-I…” He stammered, at a loss for what to say. He felt that, if he opened his mouth again, he was going to be sick. His stomach was twisting and knotting, and he wanted nothing more than to run away so she wouldn't see him acting so pathetic like this. “What do y-you want me to say…?”

“The truth!” Raiden shouted, the lightning in her hands jumping towards her shoulders when she shouted. Without even fully realizing it, Scara flinched and took a step back.

Her eyes narrowed when she saw them do that. “Do you really think-” she looked away, with disappointment plain on her face once more. “Do you think so lowly of me, that I would try to hurt you!?”

They didn't even know, but they couldn't tell her that, could they?

The truth. They could do that.

“I want you to know that this has nothing-” his voice cracked, and he paused to calm himself. “N-nothing to do with… with Alhaitham. Or anyone.” He took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare for what he was about to do. This changed everything.

“I… don't want to b-be a girl-”

“Stop.” Raiden commanded, sounding eerily calm. “I've heard quite enough.”

He doubted that she understood. Now, he could only hope that she wouldn't hate him for it.

“I don't believe for a second that you weren't influenced into thinking this way.” Raiden ranted. “If Celestia wanted you to be a boy, then you would be.”

A mistake. That's what she was saying, that they were a mistake.

“You're just- you're confused. You aren't being rational, or practical. You aren't paying attention to reality.” Raiden said frustratedly, running her fingers through her hair. “I can't fucking believe this…”

Scara slowly sat down again, not responding to her at all. Instead, they stared blankly at the wall behind her while she paced back and forth and continued speaking, not seeming to care that they were listening or not.

“You- I'm not going to lose you like this.” Raiden said, almost mourningly.

“Wha- I'm not fucking dead!” Scara shouted. “I'm still- I'm still me. I'm still the same person I was before-”

“Hardly!” Raiden retorted angrily. “With the way you're acting right now, the Scara I knew might as well be dead to me.”

Her words hit like a punch directly in their stomach. They couldn't even breathe right. “You haven't l-lost me-” He sobbed.

“No, I haven't.” Raiden said decidedly. “And I won't. You are my daughter, and I'm going to make sure that everyone knows it.”

“Mom-”

“You aren't allowed to see those… people again. Do you hear me?” Raiden snapped. “Starting tomorrow, I'll be clearing up any confusion the others have about you, and you will begin behaving properly.”

“What does that even mean?” He shouted back at her, somewhat weakly.

“I'll be choosing what you wear, what you do, who you spend your time with.” Raiden replied. “If I have to, I'll treat you the same way I did in elementary school. I just want you to be safe, and happy-”

“I'm not!” Scara shouted at her, clenching their fists in their hair. Tears dripped down his face unchecked, falling down his mouth and neck. “I'm not fucking happy!”

“You will be.”

He was absolutely livid. He felt angrier than he'd ever been in his entire life. Angry, and sad, and broken, and wrong. Mistake. All of this was a giant fucking mistake. Why did he ever think that she could understand? Why did he expect anything from Raiden anymore?

“I won't be. Not like this.” Scara protested.

“Scara-”

“Shut. The. FUCK UP.” He shouted at her, while slamming his hands down on the table. The entire thing shook, harder than it had before when Raiden did it. Without even realizing, their Vision decided to make an appearance, splitting the table in half right in front of them. But Scara was too angry to even care, and Raiden was stunned and speechless for once in her goddamn life.

Good fucking riddance.

“I'm not happy like this.” Scara shouted at her, hoping that she would finally listen, now that they could make her. “I haven't been happy like this for a long fucking time. Ive wanted to fucking kill myself more times than I can even count-”

“Don't talk to me like that!” Raiden shouted, stepping closer to him now that the table wasn't blocking her way. “Don't you even go there-”

“YOU wanted the truth.” Scara growled. “That's the fucking truth. I'm not happy, and I want to die. Every single time I look in a mirror, or someone calls me a girl, or compliments how pretty I am-”

“Stop it.” Raiden hissed.

“Or how I'll be such a good mother someday for taking care of Nahida, or when they tell me that I look like you-”

“Go to your ROOM.” Raiden shouted at them, an uncaring glint in her eyes.

“Or when Mona said I could be her sister. I don't want to be a mother, or a daughter, and I'm not anyone's FUCKING SISTER-”

The slap was fast and hard, so much that it whipped Scara's head to the side, and strangely cold. Distant, uncaring, like a professional transaction between business partners. They stumbled, and fell against the opposite wall, barely able to move, but not from the pain.

It didn't even hurt. Not yet. That was the strangest part, really. All he could see was blinding white, like standing in the center of a star. Scara leaned against the wall heavily, swaying slightly as he lifted a shaking hand to his stinging cheek.

“I told you to go.” Raiden whispered, almost shamefully.

She didn't deserve to be ashamed. She deserved to fucking die. That was all he could think, even though he knew it wasn't nice, nor was it true. She deserved it. It would definitely make his life a hell of a lot easier if she did.

Scara breathed in sharply, willing their stupid tears to stay put until they were away from her. “Fine.” He whispered shakily. “I'll fucking go.”

And with that, he began walking slowly, almost calmly, away. Not towards his room, though. Towards the front door.
###

Chapter Text

First, he had left the apartment complex. The hallways were thankfully empty, except for a few people who didn't try to stop him. The elevator he had bent the doors of was out of commission, so he took the stairs.

After that, he walked along the road for ages, not even knowing where he was going. Just away. Away from her. Away from everyone.

At some point it started raining, but he barely noticed the cold droplets coating his shoulders and sliding down his back. He shivered from the wet rain and cold air, but otherwise ignored every single one of his surroundings.

Around that time, he reached the bridge. He remembered driving over it with Raiden when they were first arriving here, to start their new life. But he hadn't seen it again since.

Just how far had he gone?

###

The car was silent, but far from serene. The atmosphere was tense and thick, like a solid object lodged in Scara's throat. Raiden's fingers gripping the steering wheel so tightly, her knuckles were white.

That was one of the few things they actually remembered from that day. Besides the rain. It fell from the sky like a heavy curtain, and all they could think was that Celestia was crying just like them.

“We're almost there.” Raiden spoke for the first time since they got in the car, two hours ago. Two hours.

“Why did we even leave?” Scara had whispered, not thinking she would even hear.

Raiden's eyes flashed, and she blinked rapidly a few times before taking a deep breath. “Don't act like that. You know why.”

“I don't, not really.” Scara muttered, leaning their head against the window. Sitting in the front seat was the biggest mistake they had made in a long time. “We had a nice house. I went to a private school. You're giving all of that up, and moving us to some…some shit hole?”

“Don't talk to me like that.” Raiden's voice was as tense as her shoulders. “You know how I feel about that teacher of yours, Alhaitham.” She said the name in a mocking tone, like he wasn't worthy of a single ounce of respect. That really pissed Scara off. “He was a bad influence on you.”

“You say that about everyone. You said that about Sethos, too.” Scara whispered hoarsely, the memories of their friend resurfacing.

“I never liked her, that's different.”

“Him.”

“Oh, for the love of-” Raiden inhaled sharply. “See? You're buying into their delusions. That's exactly why I wanted to leave.”

“Moving a few hours away won't stop me from seeing them if I really want to. Alhaitham only lives an hour away from our location right now, if I walk.” Scara told her defiantly.

“You? Walking? I'm sorry, I can't imagine you going out of your way like that for anyone, especially someone like him.” Raiden laughed a little at the mere idea.

“What the hell do you mean, someone like him?”

“You know what I mean. You know exactly what I mean. Stop acting ignorant on purpose!” Raiden told them.

“Fine, whatever.” Scara crossed their arms across their chest and slumped in their seat, trying not to cry in front of her. “I'll walk there every single fucking day. Watch me, just fucking watch.”

###

It was raining. The sound was deafening, and somehow quiet, all at once. It was a dull roar to his ears, like television static, the perfect background noise to all the chaos in his head.

It was raining so hard.

It was
Slippery.

The bridge, made of concrete, was suspended over a giant, almost peaceful, lake. The only thing separating him from the cold, deep water was a small concrete ledge.

It was thick enough to stand on.

Short, so short. Easy to climb.

He was just thinking about it, until he was already doing it, almost without even realizing it. The wind picked up, gently whipping against his face, through his hair.

Pushing him, ever so slightly, forward.

The weight he'd been carrying for so long was heavier than all the concrete of this bridge. Slowly crushing the air from his lungs, every day he spent beneath it.

There was no freedom.

There was only one escape.

He shifted his left foot forward on the ledge, toes sticking off the edge. Just enough to feel the nothingness he would be stepping onto. A sudden feeling of dizziness washed over him while he started down at the lapping water, so dark that it was almost black. He shifted backwards, taking a deep breath.

He was ready.

Just… not right this second.

He stood, watching the water shift beneath him, for what could have been several minutes, or hours. The rain continued relentlessly, until he couldn't breathe without shivering so hard that his teeth rattled.

He distantly registered the sound of a car pulling up behind him, but ignored it. He told himself that if he heard Raiden's voice, he would jump.

It couldn't be her. He hoped it wouldn't be her.

He tensed and waited, while he heard the car's brakes screech to a halt somewhere nearby. Before the screeching fully stopped, he could hear someone fumbling with the door.

Probably not Raiden, then.

He breathed a small sigh of relief that he wouldn't have to go just yet. He was still ready though, at any time. Just… not yet.

“Oh my God- what the f-fuck-” He heard a familiar voice stammer behind him. “S-Scara- oh my god-”

It wasn't too late to jump, he reminded himself.
Was it wrong that he was kind of happy that it was him?

“Scara-” He watched out of the corner of his eye as Childe tentatively stepped forward, looking so pale that the scar on his lip was visible in comparison.

“H-hey-” Scara croaked, attempting to sound casual for some reason. “You don't have to- to do anything. I'm- I'm good, really…”

“Scara, shut up-” Childe replied, laughing nervously. “Shit. What- what are you doing?” He took a few quick steps forward, and Scara instinctively stepped back.

He stumbled slightly as part of his foot brushed the edge, and quickly regained his balance. Childe looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

“You- you're shaking. You'll get sick, just- just come down, okay?” Childe whispered tensely, reaching towards them.

“You can leave now, please.” Scara almost begged him. “I'm fine. I wont- I just need a minute…”

“I'm not leaving you.” Childe said forcefully.

“Please, don't… don't do this to me.” He muttered, looking away. “I've had a shitty couple of days.”

Scara couldn't help it- they laughed, and once they had started, they couldn't seem to stop. “You think I've been any better?”

“I- I didn't mean it like that-” Childe protested, and slowly took another step forward. He was tensed up, and didn't relax until he had shifted his weight forward, and Scara didn't move.

“No, it's fine-” Scara reassured him, not even sure why. “I'm fine. Go home.”

Childe just stared at him, pityingly. He sighed, with a look on his face that resembled a sad puppy. Scara couldn't help but think, even after everything, that he was adorable. He started to feel bad about scaring him.

During Scara's moment of distractedness and regret, Childe lunged forward unexpectedly, wrapping his arms around Scara's waist. His grip was tighter than necessary, and strong enough that Scara couldn't break free. Not that they were really trying.

It was kind of scary up there, if they were being honest. They had been hoping Childe would give them a good enough reason to come down, so they wouldn't have to go the other way.

An unexpected sob crawled up their throat, and they slumped against Childe, wrapping their arms around his neck and burying their face in his shoulder. He held them close, gently pulling them down from the ledge and setting him down on his feet.

He could barely stand without heavily leaning on Childe, who didn't seem to mind. He was tired, and cold, and just wanted to sleep and never wake up again.

Childe started tugging off his jacket when he noticed Scara shivering. They tried to protest when he wrapped it around their shoulders, but it was so warm, and it smelled like him. Their will was weak, and their dignity was gone.

Childe helped them into the passenger seat of his car, then got behind the wheel and turned up the heat all the way on full blast. He leaned back, staring up at the ceiling of the roof.

“You almost gave me a heart attack-” Childe panted, resting a hand on his chest. “I thought- I thought you would actually… do it.”

Scara laughed humourlessly. “Me, too.” He sniffled a few times, and then he curled up on the chair and started sobbing. “I w-was… kind of scared. But I was r-ready. I would have done it, if-” He paused, unsure if he wanted to tell Childe the truth. “I would have. If it hadn't been you.”

Childe inhaled slowly, then released his breath as a sigh. “I… thought you might say something like that.” He was still staring at the ceiling, refusing to look at them. “Look, I-” Childe hesitated for a moment, then gave up on whatever he had wanted to say. “Are you… doing alright?”

“What do you think?” Scara muttered.

Childe covered his face with his hands. “Why? Why on Teyvat would you- It's not because- I-” his words sputtered, then died.

“It wasn't you.” Scara whispered. “It wasn't.” He said insistently. “I just- I had a fight with my mom, and-” their voice broke again, and they swallowed hard. “Ive just been… unhappy. For longer than I've even known you.”

“I'm sorry I didn't know.” Childe muttered.

“Because I didn't let you.” Scara replied truthfully. “I didn't want you to think badly about me. Although, I probably failed at that already.” They sighed, feeling like such a deceiving liar. A manipulator, an imposter, a predator. “I'm an asshole.”

“You're not any more of an asshole than me.” Childe whispered back.

Scara let their head fall against his shoulder, and hated themself for it, especially because they knew he would feel guilty if he pushed them away. “I am.” They insisted. “I… I lied to you. Took advantage of you. I-” he hesitated for a long time, so long that Childe didn't know he had anything more to say.

“I still am.” He whimpered softly.

“Uh- what?” Childe said, sounding confused. “Did I miss something?”

“I said, I lied to you. And I still am.” Scara sighed, pulling away from Childe, albeit reluctantly.

They wanted Childe to hold them, and never let them go. They also knew how wrong it was, to want something like that from him. He was gay, and they both knew that. He was never going to like them.

“I… I have a Vision.” Scara whispered. “And-”

“I know.” Childe scoffed. “Why do you think I lied for you, in the nurses office when Baizhu… You think I didn't realize that you used a Vision on me?” Childe sounded sort of offended at that idea.

He smiled wryly, and Scara looked away, feeling stupid and childish. “Yeah… kind of.” They admitted reluctantly.

“Vision users have elemental sight. I'm one of the ones who remembers to put it to use.” Childe laughed softly. “You threw me across a hallway. That's too much even for a guy, without some help.”

Scara winced at his very particular word choice, and hugged their knees. “I-”

“It's getting kind of late.” Childe whispered softly, looking at them with a touch of concern, and pity. “You look… tired.”

They were tired. “I'm fine. But there's something I-”

“You're not fine.” Childe snapped. “Stop trying to make me feel better, okay? I'm not the one jumping off a bridge.” He paused for a long time, dragging his hand down his face. He turned to look Scara in the eyes, maintaining eye contact for the first time since they got in the car. “Sorry. Is there somewhere you want me to drive you?”

So that was it, then. He was offering to take them somewhere else, so he wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. It was understandable, of course. He was probably busy, he didn't feel the same way as Scara did. He probably thought of them as a child.

“Y-yeah, okay…” Scara whispered, giving him the address to Alhaitham's house so he could type it into the navigation system in the car.

“I… don't mean to be rude, but… why don't you want to go back to your Mom's instead? If you d-didnt mind telling me…” Childe rubbed his neck awkwardly.

“It's- it's fine. I just don't really want to see her right now.” Scara whispered. “We were… fighting.” She fucking hit me.

“Oh.” Childe replied.

“She found out about my… my Vision. She was mad that I didn't tell her.” Scara sighed, letting his head fall against the window.

“Seatbelt.” Childe reminded him gently, and he obliged because maybe he sort of didn't want to die tonight, after all.

“She… thought the same thing that you did, actually.” Scara admitted reluctantly.

“About…?”

“Mona being my girlfriend.” They sighed heavily.

“And she didn't like that.” Childe’s shoulders slumped a little bit. “Did she?”

“No.” Scara physically couldn't bring himself to look at Childe when he said, “She… kind of forbid me from seeing Alhaitham. So this stays between us, okay?”

“Why would she do that, though?” Childe questioned, confused. “Can she do that? I thought he was your dad.”

“...It's complicated.” Scara admitted. “He's not like my actual dad or anything. But I like to think of him that way.”

“I see.”

“He's… he's gay. She doesn't like that very much.” Scara sighed. They really didn't want to be having this conversation. And apparently Childe didn't, either.

“Oh.” He replied, and was silent for the rest of the ride.

The silence was agonizing, especially because it lasted for half an hour.

He stopped the car right in front of Alhaitham's house, which looked warm and bright and inviting in their tired state. He waited patiently while Scara unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. They tried to take off Childe's jacket and give it back, but he shook his head.

“Just- just keep it.” He told them quietly.

“I- okay.” They shut the door to his car, and proceeded to stumble and almost fall over as soon as they stepped away from it. Their knees felt weak and unstable, like they were made of jelly. He decided it was best to sit down for a minute, rather than fall on his face.

Childe's door opened, and he made his way around to Scara's side. He saw them crouched on the ground, and slowly lowered himself onto his knees beside them. “You okay?”

“Tired.” He muttered. “Just give me a second…” Truthfully, they never wanted to move again.

Childe seemed to pick up on that, because he grabbed their arm and pulled them to their feet. Scara leaned heavily against him, but he didn't complain. He helped them walk to the front door, and knocked for them when they didn't move to do it themself.

The door swung open, revealing nothing but empty space.

“Don't stand behind the door, Nahida…” Scara muttered.

“Aw. How did you know?” Nahida peeked out from behind the door, taking in Childe and Scara leaning against him. “Are you feeling bad? Do you need a hug?”

Scara smiled a little at the sound of her concern, and looked away for fear that he might cry from the kind gesture. “No, I'm… I'm good.”

“Huh. You didn't tell me anything about a sister.” Childe said, sounding intrigued. He turned to Nahida and said, “Do you know where Alhaitham is?”

“Should I get him for you?” She replied. ”You can probably come in, if you want to. If you're with Scara it should be okay.”

“No, I'm… I'm fine, thanks.” Childe replied softly.

“Daddy! Scara’s here!” Nahida turned and shouted as she ran somewhere deeper in the house.

“Uh… thanks. You can… you can go now, if you want to.” Scara whispered, trying not to sound so disappointed.

“Not until I know you'll be okay.” Childe replied, just as Nahida came back with Alhaitham in tow.

He saw Scara standing there, most likely looking like shit, and paused for a few seconds, before approaching even faster. He looked concerned, but also calm and level-headed, as always. He had that speculative look in his eyes, like he was analyzing their every move again.

“Hello.” He greeted Childe politely. “Is everything alright?”

“That depends on what your definition of ‘alright’ looks like.” Childe muttered.

Alhaitham's brow furrowed with worry. “Did something happen?” He glanced worriedly at Scara, who looked away shamefully. Seeming to realize that he couldn't depend on them for a valid answer, he turned to Childe.

“I… really don't know what to say. This is awkward.” Childe muttered. “Scara… isn't doing well. To say the least.”

“And, to say more?” Alhaitham prompted.

“Scara fought with Raiden about… something.” Childe hesitated. “And tried to jump off a bridge…”

Alhaitham pushed Nahida towards a doorway wordlessly. She seemed to understand that he wanted her to leave, and she wasn't allowed to argue about it. He turned all of his focus onto Scara, which both annoyed and unsettled them.

“W-what… did you say-” His voice cracked a little, and he tried, and failed, to compose himself.

“Why did you say that?” Scara hissed at Childe.

“Because you wouldn't have.” He replied. “I… I think I'm gonna go now. Let you… talk.” Childe gently pushed Scara towards Alhaitham, who immediately reached out and wrapped his arms tightly around them.

Scara turned his head and watched Childe watching him, before he turned around and started walking back to his car. He kept turning back, shooting little glances at them, before getting in and driving away. Scara sighed, and leaned into Alhaitham's embrace. The door was wide open, but neither of them seemed to care very much.

Alhaitham squeezed them tighter, holding their head against his shoulder with one of his hands. He buried his face in their hair, and didn't say or do anything else for a very long time.
###

Chapter Text

Alhaitham finally pulled away for a moment, and as he did Scara looked up and watched him silently wiping tears from his face.

They hadn't even known he'd been crying.

They felt really bad.

“I think we should talk.” Alhaitham whispered, placing a hand on Scara's shoulder and leading him to his office.

Alhaithaim sat down on the small sofa, and patted the seat beside him, closest to the fire’s warmth. When Scara reached the sofa, he fell rather than sat into the seat. It was like all the strength in his legs finally drained away, and he felt grateful that his knees chose to give out after they were seated, and not before.

Alhaitham reached over and took hold of Scara's hand, and they didn't pull away even though they wanted to.

Scara broke the silence first. “I'm sorry.” He whispered.

“Don't apologize. Please.” Alhaitham muttered. “Just… tell me why.”

“It's… complicated.” Scara sighed, already wishing they had just gone back home to Raiden. “I don't even know where to start.”

“That boy mentioned a fight with Raiden?”

Alhaitham replied tiredly. “Why don't you start there?”

Scara sighed heavily, leaning against Alhaitham's shoulder. He was so tired, but he knew that he couldn't go to bed or even leave until he told Alhaitham everything. Everything. That was the only thing that would possibly be good enough to begin to explain to Alhaitham why he tried to do that.

He was scared, thinking about Alhaitham knowing everything he'd been hiding for so long. But he also felt strangely relieved that he wouldn't be so alone anymore. If he needed help, he had someone to share his problems with.

“She was talking to some of our neighbors earlier, and… they told her some things about me.” Scara began quietly.

“What sort of things?” Alhaitham prompted.

Scara closed their eyes so they wouldn't have to see his face. That might make things a bit easier. “Well, uh… leaving that topic for a little bit… I can't believe I'm saying this… we should talk about Childe.”

“Childe? Wha- oh.” Alhaitham muttered to himself for a moment. “You mean, the boy that was here a moment ago?”

“Y-yeah.” Scara sighed. “Yeah. I like him, you know that. I met him through one of my friends, Mona. We'll get back to her.”

“I'm sure we will.” Alhaitham replied.

“Mona kind of told me something about him that… wasn't exactly true.” Scara squeezed their eyes shut even tighter, avoiding having to look at Alhaitham at all. They even turned their head away for good measure, pulling their knees up onto the couch.

Alhaitham usually hated when he did that, but he left it alone. “You're avoiding something, I can tell.” Alhaitham whispered. He sounded so hurt and lost that it almost cleaved Scara's heart in two. “You would think that now, of all times, you wouldn't be holding back from me anymore.”

“I'm sorry… I just don't want to hurt you.” Scara admitted shamefully.

“You've already hurt me.” Alhaitham replied sadly.

That landed like a punch to the gut. They hadn't thought of it that way, but it was true. He was probably beside himself with worry already, from what he'd already heard. And now, they were hiding things, which probably worried him even more.

“I… don't even know what to expect.” Alhaitham admitted. “I never thought I would hear of you d-doing something like that. I just want to have some sort of idea as to why.”

“I know. And I'll t-tell you… everything.” Scara conceded. “So… I guess I will start doing that. Right now.” They were stalling, and not very well. They sighed, full of resignation. “Mona told me that Childe was bisexual, and I thought he would like me, but he didn't.”

“Why is that?” Alhaitham asked, even though he could probably guess the answer already. He just wanted to hear it from them.

“She was wrong. He's gay.” Scara whispered. “And he told me that, and I was the biggest asshole about it, and I didn't want to admit that to you because… I don't know. I thought it might offend you. I'm sorry.”

“I'm not the one to apologize to.” Alhaitham replied.

“I know.” Scara whispered, finally looking up at Alhaitham. He still looked sad, and worried, but he was also smiling just a little.

“Will you tell me what you meant by being an asshole about it?” He said curiously.

“I… I cried about it.” Scara admitted embarrassingly. “And… kind of blew him off the next day when we ran into each other again.”

“That's… sort of understandable.” Alhaitham replied assuringly. “You're young. You were misled, and hurt by it.”

Scara thought of how true that was, imagined Childe's perspective on everything, and felt even worse. Childe was also misled and hurt. He was still being misled and hurt. They were such an asshole, and suddenly felt a very strange urge to make Alhaitham understand that.

“You don't get it. I'm an asshole. I wasn't justified. I was the one… misleading him. I might have been given misinformation by Mona, but that was an accident. I… I suspected that Childe believed something about me that wasn't true, and I let him.” Scara sighed. “I'll get to that.”

“Yes, you will.” Alhaitham told him sternly.

“But before we get to that, there's some other things you should know first.” Scara looked away guiltily. “Like the fact that I kinda… threw Childe into a wall.”

“You what now.”

He had said the last part as fast as possible, hoping that Alhaitham wouldn't catch all of it. Wishful thinking seemed to be the only thing he knew how to do anymore. “I… shoved Childe so hard that he got thrown into a wall. From the other side of the hallway.”

“Wha- how-” Alhaitham took a moment to comprehend everything he had been told. Slowly, as if the idea had been dawning on him for weeks, he turned to Scara with a look of clarity and disappointment. “You have a Vision.”

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He was challenging Scara to prove him wrong, if they could.

Without saying anything, Scara slowly pulled the Vision out of his pocket and set it into Alhaitham's hand, Vision-side down so he couldn't see its color just yet.

“You didn't tell me.” Alhaitham said, sounding hurt and disappointed. But most of all, his patronizing lecture tone was back, the voice he had always used as a teacher when a student was misbehaving, or when Nahida was doing something she shouldn't. He was treating them like a child again.

But they were kind of acting like one.

“I didn't tell anyone. But some people guessed. Or- or saw.” Scara muttered. “Childe knew, after that, but he didn't tell anyone. He even lied for me, when I didn't deserve it.”

“Scara…” Alhaitham groaned.

“I took him to the nurse, A-and the nurse guessed it too. He told my teacher about his suspicion, but they didn't do anything about it. They wanted me to have the r-responsibility to tell them myself-”

“And did you? Have that responsibility?” Alhaitham said sternly. He sounded almost exactly like Diluc and Baizhu had when they'd been lecturing them. He hated it.

“...No.” Scara whispered, staring down at the floor instead of Alhaitham. “C-coming back to the previous discussion about the neighbors. I was kind of… fighting with Mona. In an elevator. We'll get back to that.”

“There's a lot of things we're ‘getting back’ to, it seems.” Alhaitham sighed, rubbing his forehead with his fingers.

“One of the neighbors was there, and she saw me use my Vision- on accident,” they added when Alhaitham gave them a withering look. “I kind of… bent the doors. Just a little.”

“Of the elevator?” Alhaitham sounded horrified.

“Is that bad?” Scara winced.

“Your Vision shouldn't be that strong without any training, unless you've been doing something to fuel its power-” a thought seemed to suddenly occur to Alhaitham at that moment. “What element is it?”

“You see for yourself.” Scara gestured to the Vision in his hand, still turned over so he couldn't see its color. “I… don't think I would, if you let me do it.”

Alhaitham sighed, but did as Scara asked. He slowly flipped it over, staring intently at the white-ish teal gleam with an analytical expression that Scara didn't particularly like.

“A mora for your thoughts?” Scara prompted him.

“It's… unexpected. But pretty understandable, given your… circumstances.” Alhaitham muttered. “Now… I believe this neighbor watched you demolish an elevator.”

“She told Raiden.” Scara hissed, as if the words themselves physically hurt him to say. Although they kind of did.

“Ah, shit, Scara.” Alhaitham sighed. It was possibly the first time he had ever heard Alhaitham use that word. It sounded like a foreign language in his mouth. “That could only go well, I imagine.”

“She yelled at me. A lot.” Scara sighed.

“For good reason.”

“It was… kind of scary, honestly.” Scara admitted, hating Alhaitham's look of smug agreement. She hadn't been fucking justified, and he wanted him to know that. “She turned the argument into something else. About you.” Scara shouted at him.

“Oh, Celestia…” Alhaitham muttered. “What about me?”

“She… forbade me from coming back here again. Wait a minute-” He added, to ward off Alhaitham’s death stare. “She was… was saying some pretty awful things about you. Particularly about… you and Kaveh.” Scara muttered.

“I… figured, honestly.” Alhaitham sighed. “She's never exactly tried to… hide her disdain for me.”

“I'm sorry.” Scara whispered.

“It's fine.” He replied, though they could tell that it wasn't.

“Now might be a really terrible time to get back to Mona.” Scara said. “But I'm going to, anyway. Raiden heard from our unreliable neighbors that she might be my girlfriend.”

“Shit.” Alhaitham swore, loudly. “I don't care what she thinks of me. Honestly. But.. you're okay, right?”

“I guess so, now.” Scara sighed. “Before you ask, she's not my girlfriend. I'm straight… maybe. I'll get to-”

“You'll get to that. Of course you will.” Alhaitham muttered. “So. Raiden was mistaken, and I'm guessing you let her know that?”

“I did… after I yelled at her for everything that she said about you. She… she thinks that you've made me think or feel things like that. Like it's fucking contagious.” Scara unexpectedly felt a few tears slip out, and quickly wiped them away.

“I'm sorry. Really, I am.” Alhaitham wrapped his arms around them, and they didn't try to pull away.

“I know… But I should probably mention something else.”

“G-go on, I suppose…” Alhaitham sighed, most likely suspecting the worst.

“For some reason that I don't fully know, all of our neighbors and Childe seemed to think I was a boy.” Scara shrugged, looking away from Alhaitham and his intuitive stare. “That's why Mona and I were kind of fighting in the first place. Because she… unexpectedly found that out, and I hadn't given her any warning. She was confused. She probably felt like I was a fucking liar. I kind of am a liar-”

“You're rambling.” Alhaitham interrupted. “The neighbors thought that you- and did you not… correct them?”

Scara guiltily stared intensely at the floor, instead of Alhaitham. “...I did not.”

“I can understand why Mona felt betrayed by this.” Alhaitham sighed, resting his forehead against Scara's hair. “And Childe. You misled both of them.” He was staring at them with his stern, fatherly disappointment again.

“That's the worst part. I know that.” Scara could feel the tears coming back again. “I know I lied to them, and that was wrong of me. I know. I'm a terrible person, aren't I?”

“It depends.” Alhaitham sat up, waiting until Scara got curious and impatient enough to glance back at him. He met their eyes, and refused to look away. “Why did you do it, Scara?”

He wiped his eyes frustratedly, and looked away again. “I wish I could say that I didn't know, but I do. I just… don't want to tell you.”

“I… appreciate the honesty, at least…” Alhaitham muttered. “I really don't want to think of you like this, but… you didn't lie to Childe so he would like you, right?”

Scara could feel the disappointment in his bones, like a physical thing settling inside of him. “N-no… I didn't know that he… no.” They said insistently. “I swear, I didn't.”

Alhaitham nodded. “I didn't think so. I just wanted confirmation, I suppose.” He was staring at them again, with a confused look on his face. “What other purpose could you have, to mislead everyone?”

Scara flinched. They didn't even know why. It was true after all. They were misleading everyone. They were lying to everyone. But hearing it told to them so plainly like that…

It hurt.

“I… don't want to think that I have an ulterior motive for anything.” Scara whispered. “But… I kind of did. I was lying to everyone purposefully. And I knew it was wrong, because it caused me so much stress, A-and pain, and every time two people with conflicting views of me ran into each other, like with Mona and the neighbors, I- I couldn't help but feel like everything was about to fall apart, and everyone would find out the truth. And everyone would hate me for it.”

Alhaitham waited silently, but seemed to sense that Scara was about to tell him something big. He gently placed a hand on Scara's back, still staring at him.

“Remember how I said that I'm straight… kind of?” Scara whispered. “Well, I'm getting back to that now.”

“Oh, wonderful.” Alhaitham said, somewhat sarcastically. It lifted his mood, just a little, which was what Alhaitham was probably aiming for.

“Something… happened. That kind of fucked everything up.” Scara laughed humourlessly. Alhaitham gave him a you-dont-say sort of look, and his laugh became genuine.

He hesitated for a long time, unsure of how to phrase it. Despite his rational judgement, he was still nervous, even kind of scared. This was Alhaitham, and yet… there was still a chance that he wouldn't get it. And thinking about that hurt.

“You're holding back again.” Alhaitham reminded him gently. “Remember when I told you that you could tell me anything?”

“I'm just… kind of nervous, okay? Just kind of worried that… that you won't understand.” Scara sighed heavily, fully aware of how ironic it must sound to him. “I just… don't want to ruin everything again.”

Alhaitham pondered that for a moment. “You won't ruin anything, no matter what it is you have to tell me.”

“We'll see, I guess…” Scara took a deep breath, but it caught in his throat. “Uh… shit. Why does this have to be so hard?” They wondered if this counted as coming out to Alhaitham, and immediately decided that they weren't going to think about that, or they might never tell him anything ever again.

“I think… I-I mean, I know, but… shit. Maybe I don't, actually-”

“You're stalling.” Alhaitham pointed out.

“I… I know.” Scara sighed, deciding to just get this over with. He stared intently at the floor, ignoring the fear settled in his gut like a weight, and forced the words out in a rush. “I might be trans.”

“O-oh…”

“Oh, my God. Oh, Celestia, I'm dying.” Scara clutched their chest dramatically. “I said it, fuck, I actually- say something, damnit, please! You're making me kind of scared…”

“I'm… I'm kind of shocked right now… give me a moment.” Alhaitham muttered, staring straight at the wall ahead of him. “I'm… I think I know what you're talking about. You're saying… you're a boy now, right?”

“I- yeah… I think so. Yeah.” Scara sighed heavily, breathing hard and sweating like he'd just ran a marathon. He was scared, but also full of anticipation.

He must be fucking crazy.

“Okay. I… I think I understand now. Everything makes so much sense now, actually…” Alhaitham replied, deep in thought. “Is it alright if I call you Scara?”

“I… yeah, I don't mind really.” He shrugged. “I've never really wanted a different name, or even thought about it… I didn't even used to think it would be possible.”

“Should… should I call you ‘he’ now, instead?” Alhaitham wondered.

“Yeah, that would be… really nice…” he felt like crying again, but from happiness this time. “Or, ‘they’ is fine, too… But not in front of Raiden, please.” He added, slightly panicked at just the thought.

“Understandable…” Alhaitham muttered. “Does anyone else know about this?”

“...Raiden does…” Scara muttered pathetically. “I don't think she really gets it, though… that's it. Everyone else still thinks I'm a liar, and a… yeah…”

“...I see.” Alhaitham replied. His hand was still resting on Scara's back, and he didn't try to move or pull away. His touch was sort of comforting, reassuring in a way. “You'll have a lot of explaining to do later.”

“Fuck…” Scara muttered.

“Also, about you being straight… maybe….”

Alhaitham smiled just a little. “I don't know about you, but boys liking other boys is kind of gay…”

“DOUBLE fuck…” Scara covered his face with his hands. “I was scared that you would say that!”

“Do you want me to tell Kaveh, or do you want to do it?” Alhaitham wondered. “Nahida, too.”

“I… I don't know. I'm kind of tired… and hungry.” Scara pulled Childe's jacket closer around him. He had almost forgotten he was wearing it, actually. “I kind of... stood in the rain for about an hour. It was very cold.”

“Was that before, or after you tried to jump off a bridge?” Alhaitham's disapproving, worried frown was back. “Does Raiden know about that? Does she even know where you are?”

“The answer to both is safe to say, probably not.” Scara admitted. “I just want to have dinner, and sleep. I'll call her tomorrow.”

“I'll go check on Kaveh and Nahida, see if they're making dinner yet. You'll call her now.” Alhaitham said sternly.

“I… okay.” They no longer had the energy left to fight him on that.

Alhaitham left the room, no doubt his way of giving them some privacy so he could speak with Raiden alone. Before the door shut completely, Scara could hear Kaveh ask Alhaitham a question with a worried tone of voice. “There's been some… interesting developments, to say the least…” was Alhaitham's reply.

Scara took a deep breath, his fingers hovering over Raiden's name in his contacts list. The dial button was right there. He had promised Alhaitham he would let her know that he was okay. But for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to press it.

With shaking hands, he shoved his phone into his pocket and slowly counted to sixty in his head. He waited a little while longer, for a touch of added realism. Then, as casually as he could, he opened the door to Alhaitham’s office and prayed that nobody had been waiting on the other side.

He was a liar, and a fraud.

He had even agreed to tell Alhaitham everything, and yet here he was with another secret to keep. It weighed on his chest like a stone holding him down, but Scara convinced himself that it was still better than hearing Raiden's voice, or whatever she would have to say.

When he entered the kitchen, the smell of the food almost made him want to drool. He was so hungry, he probably hadn't had a proper meal in days. He had been feeling too anxious to even eat.

“Hello there,” Kaveh said from the stove, stirring something. “Dinner’s almost ready, so you can have a seat, dude.”

“Uh… thanks.” Scara stammered, still feeling nervous. He didn't even spare a single thought to Kaveh's odd word choice, because Alhaitham's gaze was fixed on him like a trained missile.

“What did Raiden have to say?” Alhaitham questioned.

Shit. “Uh… it- nothing important, really…” Scara muttered, hoping Alhaitham had an imagination. “I told her where I am, though. She wasn't exactly… happy about it.”

That wasn't a lie… at least, it wouldn't have been if Scara had told her anything. If she knew where they were right now, she would be livid. Especially after forbidding him from going here ever again. She might even go as far as to drive here herself to drag him back home.

“I see…” Alhaitham replied, with a glance at Nahida. “Why don't we discuss something else now?”

Saved by the presence of an innocent child, who didn't need to know that a parent's love could be conditional. “Sure, yeah.” He wasn't opposed to that idea in the slightest.

“How are things going in school, man?” Kaveh called from the other end of the kitchen. “Anything interesting happening?”

“Uh… n-no, not really…” Scara replied.

“Dude, you're kidding.” Kaveh replied. “No friends? No… girlfriend? Or boyfriend. I'm open to all possibilities, bro.”

“Daddy. You're being kind of weird right now.” Nahida said observantly.

“Finally, someone said it.” Alhaitham smiled. “So I didn't have to.”

Kaveh looked sort of dejected for being called out like that. “Come on, guys! I'm trying to be supportive, you know?”

Oh.

There was a warm, elated feeling spreading through his body. For the first time in days, his shoulders relaxed, and his heart felt twenty pounds lighter. The persistent, anxious feeling in his stomach eased up, and he actually felt like he wanted to be there.

“You don't have to add some variation of ‘dude’ to the end of every sentence directed at him.” Alhaitham replied, sounding amused. “It's the thought that counts.”

“I… see.” Kaveh replied.

Scara could barely focus on the conversation happening around him. For the first time ever, it was because he was caught up in an all-encompassing happy feeling, rather than crushing despair. He never wanted to leave, because he knew that the second he went back to Raiden, he would possibly never feel this way again.
###

Chapter Text

The rest of the evening seemed to pass in a blur. Scara ate dinner with the others, engaging in conversation with the others and genuinely enjoying every moment. After dinner, they could tell that he was feeling tired though, so they set up the bed in their guest room for him to use. Alhaitham had tried to talk him into going back home, but he adamantly refused. He did not want to see Raiden again, possibly ever.

He wanted to call Mona and apologize. He wanted to ask her if she had Childe's number so he could call him, too. But he figured that some things were better shared in person, rather than over a phone call. Mona would be super offended if he came out to her over call or text, and he wanted his apology to seem as genuine as it was.

The best option was to wait until tomorrow when he saw her at school, if she would even want to talk to him at all…

As if hearing his thought process, the universe decided to prove him wrong. He heard his phone beep three consecutive times. Yeah, that's her, he thought. Just in case it wasn't, Scara decided to check the messages, hoping that it at least wouldn't be Raiden.

He was correct in assuming it was Mona.
Although interpreting tone over text was pretty hard, he could guess that she was feeling upset and pissed at him. In part, because she sent half a dozen frowny emojis in one giant, unbroken paragraph of text. Staring at her long, grammatically incorrect messages gave him a headache.

‘Can we talk?’ the first message read. ‘i wanted to give you some space or something I guess but I'm worried and sad please talk to me.’

Scara sighed. Now he felt guilty for everything, and wanted to make things right. ‘Can we talk tomorrow instead? I'm tired…’ he wrote. ‘and despite what you think NOW, you'll be mad if I explain everything over text instead of in-person.’

‘that bad?’ her reply was instant.

‘yeah…’ he confirmed.

‘UGH fine *dramatic sigh* I will wait in smoldering anticipation.’ Mona wrote back. ‘btw Childe drove to my house and was asking abt u???? Have a lot to talk abt tmrw.’

Scara's first thought was: what the fuck. Childe was talking about him to Mona? He felt panicked and nervous, wanting to beg Mona to tell him what Childe said. But that wouldn't be very fair, since Mona was waiting for many things from him that he refused to speak of until tomorrow. It would be rude to violate that agreement now. He even thought Mona might have said that purposefully to make the wait just as painful for him as it would be for her.

His second thought was: I know. That was what he replied to Mona, too. ‘I know.’ After a moment of thought, he added, ‘I'm sorry.’

Mona's last response was, ‘You better be.’

He waited ten entire minutes, and nothing. She must be really pissed off.

###

The next day, Scara woke up sort of late, and a bit disoriented. For a moment, he didn't remember where he was, or why. He could barely recall anything that happened. But a moment later, it all came rushing back in one terrifying, anxiety-inducing wave.

“Fuck…” Scara groaned. “What a wonderful start to a shitty day…”

“Come on, you can't say that now.” Alhaitham appeared in the doorway, glancing disapprovingly at Scara, still laying in his rumpled bed. “The day just started.”

He almost jumped out of his skin when Alhaitham appeared unexpectedly. The jolt gave him a bit of energy, though the gesture went unappreciated. “Don't sneak up on me like that…” He muttered angrily.

“It's my house, and I've been standing here for a minute and a half. That's hardly sneaking up on you.” Alhaitham replied. “You should get dressed. Nahida and I are leaving in ten minutes, and it would behoove you to be in the car so I can drive you to school, as well.”

“Oh, shit. Why didn't you wake me up?” Scara exclaimed, glancing at the clock. They had slept in late. School would be starting in twenty minutes, and they weren't sure that they would be on time, even if Alhaitham drove him.

“You looked like you needed sleep.” Alhaitham replied gently, a sympathetic and affectionate look on his face. “When was the last time you rested for more than six hours?”

“That time frame is too broad. Try: three.” Scara replied. “Which, the answer would probably be a week or so…” he admitted reluctantly.

“Scara.” Alhaitham gave him a stern look.

“I've been stressed, and not feeling very great…”

“Because you haven't been sleeping. You've been pushing yourself too hard.” He frowned.

“I wonder why. Really.” Scara whispered.

“I know things have been hard, to say the least…” Alhaitham muttered. “But you have to take care of yourself. Starting with getting dressed now, or we'll be late.”

“I'm already late.” Scara protested.

“But Nahida isn't.” Alhaitham checked the clock again, and his analytical expression returned. He was probably calculating distances and factoring in various different things. “I… Stand corrected.” He finally stated. “You're probably both late already. So, in that case, a shower wouldn't hurt you…”

“Great. Sure. Do you think I have time for breakfast, too?” Scara replied.

“Why not? I'm sure Kaveh's making breakfast right now.”

“And… Can you find something for me to wear?”
Scara asked, realizing that they hadn't brought anything with them. And the clothes he had worn yesterday consisted of wet, dirty clothing and Childe's jacket, which he wouldn't be caught dead wearing in front of anyone. But especially Childe himself, or Mona.

“I'll check Kaveh's closet for you, he'll probably have something in your size.” Alhaitham said, already leaving to do just that. Scara couldn't imagine what sort of thing Alhaitham would find, but figured that if it belonged to Kaveh, it would be just a little bit ridiculous.

It's better than Childe's jacket, he tried very hard to convince himself. Definitely better than whatever nightmare conversations they would be having later, that was for sure.

A thought occurred to him while he was showering quickly, rushing to be just slightly less late than he was already. Where would he go after school that day? Would Alhaitham bring him back here, or would he have to go back to Raiden? What if he did convince Alhaitham to let him stay? How long would he be able to, before he had to go back and face Raiden again?

He didn't want to think about that.

There were a lot of extremely imminent and relevant problems that he didn't want to think about, but probably should.

He didn't want to think about that even more.

###

This was it. Impending doom. It might as well be, for how his stomach was twisting anxiously as he approached his first period class. It was almost over anyways, but he would still see Mona there, and in his second period. He would have to talk to her at some point, and Childe too.

He remembered that Childe knew about his Vision, and wondered if he would tell Diluc for him, or make Scara do it himself. Either way, everyone would know. Either way, he would have to talk to Childe today, too.

Scara arrived at his class right as the bell was ringing. Which defeated the entire purpose of walking there, since his second period was in the other direction. He groaned, and was just about to turn around and start walking, when Mona exited the classroom and came face to face with him for the first time in several hours.

She took one look at his outfit- a loose fitting white shirt with red jacket, and black jeans, chosen by Kaveh himself- and started smirking.

“Please don't comment on it, okay? They're borrowed.” He ducked his head, feeling ashamed.

“Clearly.” Mona replied, but then her smile disappeared. “From who?”

“Kaveh.” He admitted. At her confused expression, he added, “A… Family friend. I kind of left home last night, and stayed somewhere else.”

Mona sighed. “We have a lot to talk about. Come on.” She started walking away, in the opposite direction of their class.

“Wait, wha- are we skipping?” Scara exclaimed. “I can't do that!”

“We can. And we will.” Mona replied. “We are getting in- in a car to go to a mystery place, that was decided by me.”

“You don't even have a license.” Scara protested.

“I do.” Childe said, appearing from around a corner. He was staring at Scara with obvious concern written plainly across his face.

“Oh, hell no!” Scara shouted, about to turn back. But Childe grabbed his arm and pulled him back gently.

“Please. You owe an explanation to both of us.” Mona pleaded, somewhat annoyedly. She sounded frustrated, and impatient.

“Its more convenient, you know? Killing two adepti with one sword, and all that.” Childe replied.

This was going to be officially, undeniably, utterly miserable.

Scara followed them to Childe's car, and Scara hesitated while Childe sat in the driver's seat. Mona took the front passenger seat, and after a moment's decision, Scara sat alone in the back. At least things would be easier, because he wouldn't have to be sitting next to them while he explained everything. He suspected they had planned things this way on purpose.

When all the doors were shut- and locked so Scara couldn't leave, they had probably planned that, too- Childe and Mona both turned in their seats so they could look at Scara. “Alright, buddy. We'll ask the questions, you answer. No stalling. No detours.” Childe said, his blue eyes piercing through Scara.

So much for not having to make eye contact. He turned to look at Mona instead, but her gray eyes were cold and hard like stone. Scara preferred looking at Childe, actually.

“Can I ask a question first?” Without waiting for a response, he said in a rush, “What did you and Childe talk about yesterday?”

“I knew you would be tossing and turning all night, over that!” Mona exclaimed triumphantly. “Good. You deserved it.”

“I did, actually…” Scara muttered reluctantly.

“So, my first question is a response to yours. Why the fuck did Childe come to my house last night asking about your mental state?” Mona shouted at him, sounding more worried than angry.

He felt really guilty now. But also pissed at Childe.

“What the fuck did you say, Childe?”

“I… Might have inquired about past history of suicidal tendencies.” Childe muttered. “I was worried, okay? For good reason!”

“What the fuck did you do?” Mona asked. “Childe, what did she do?”

Scara winced at Mona's word choice, but it wasn't exactly noticeable. Even if it was, flinching was kind of warranted regardless. He decided to answer before Childe could, since his phrasing would be better anyway.

“I was standing on a bridge…”

“Bullshit. You were trying to jump off a bridge.” Childe replied coldly. “I walked in on you trying to jump off of a bridge.” He reiterated plain and clear.

“WHAT!?” Mona shrieked.

“I wasn't going to actually- I think-” Scara sighed. “That was uncalled for.”

“Doing that was uncalled for!”

“Can I ask why you did that?” Mona interrupted.

“Please be more specific.” Scara replied with a groan. “There's too many answers, so which one do you want exactly?”

“Before that, I feel like I should mention something.” Childe interrupted. “Scara has a Vision.”

“I know.” Mona replied, flipping her hair with an air of frustration. “I watched Scara destroy an elevator. That was totally fun. I wish Scara would have told me, though.” She gave him a withering look.

“Damn… I wish I could have seen that…” Childe muttered jealously.

“Oh, I also feel like I should mention something, too.” Mona said, with a glance at Scara. “Sorry about this… Scara likes you.”

“I know.”

“Wait, what?” Mona looked shocked. “Since when, exactly?”

“Guys!” Scara covered his face with his hands, and refused to look at either of them. “I'm right here!”

“Yeah. I knew for a little while, actually.” Childe replied, looking very awkward and uncomfortable as he answered her. “It was kind of… obvious. Especially when Scara outright asked me if I was bisexual…”

“I was the one who said you were, blame me.” Mona shrugged, with a sympathetic glance at Scara, who was still hiding their face from both of them. “Sorry about that…”

“How about we talk about something else?” Scara suggested quickly.

“Like your mom?” Childe replied.

“What about Scara's mom?” Mona asked curiously.

“We… got in a bit of a fight…” Scara admitted quietly. He wrapped his arms around himself nervously, not really wanting to talk about it. Because after Raiden, there was only one other thing to discuss.

“What was it about?” Mona asked. “Don't even try to say you don't want to talk about it. We know. But you have to tell us anyway.”

Scara sighed. “I was going to.” He decided not to look at them when he did, though. “She… Well, first of all, she was kind of mad about the same thing you were, Mona.”

“The ‘everyone thinking you're a boy thing?’” Mona replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, what's up with that?” Childe replied, looking confused and hurt. Scara didn't exactly blame either of them for feeling decieved, but it still hurt to think of it that way. He wasn't trying to lie to them. He was just being true to himself.

“I'll… I'll get to that. But first, I should mention more about the fight…” Scara sighed. “Raiden was kind of…mad at me. For many reasons, but one of the notable ones being that….uh… She seems to think Mona is my girlfriend.”

“Uh… wow.” Mona said, with a disturbed look on her face. “No. Never, nope, no.” She paused for a moment. “No offense to you Scara, you're beautiful. And… no offense to you either, Childe.”

“None taken, don't worry.” Childe shrugged. “Why did she think that, though?”

“Because Xilonen told her that.” Scara sighed heavily, though it sounded more like a groan. “Fucking Xilonen.”

“Fucking Xilonen.” Mona agreed. “Hey, why does she think you're sexist? Against women?”

“I… definitely missed something.” Childe rubbed his neck awkwardly. “Please elaborate.”

“Xilonen is one of my neighbors. I mentioned something about her outfit being revealing, and she called me a misogynist. Also, she thinks I'm dating Mona for some reason…” Scara muttered. “And told Raiden.”

“Yeah, and she, like many other neighbors of Scara's, seems to think that she's a boy.” Mona frowned. “Who told them that anyway?”

“Uh… well, the misunderstanding began when somebody else said I was. And then nobody ever got corrected…” Scara replied, this time he was the awkward one.

“Well, why not? If you knew that they thought that, why didn't you correct them eventually?” Childe replied, sounding confused.

For good reason. He didn't blame either of them for being curious about it, or thinking it was weird.

“Uh… a-about that…” Scara muttered. “Gods, this is the part I've been dreading.”

“This is the part I've been looking forward to.” Mona replied, resting her chin on her hand and leaning forward in her seat, staring intently at Scara.

“Good to know…” Scara muttered.

“Well, we're waiting.” Childe said gently. “Especially me. You kind of led me on, you know. Just a little.”

“Fuck, I know.” Scara ran his fingers through his hair. “I didn't mean to. I just- Im stressing about all of this, okay? Give me a minute…”

He felt his stomach twisting into knots again, and felt like he could be sick. It was just Mona and Childe. He figured they would understand, and be supportive of him. But, the little voice of doubt in his head was relentless. There was always a chance, no matter how small, that they wouldn't.

He could be about to ruin the only friendships he had. That is, if Childe even counted to begin with.

“Th-theres something that I-I should have told you,” Scara mumbled nervously. “I… fuck, this is hard…”

They waited, not-so patiently in Mona's case, for several minutes while Scara sat with his head resting on his knees, contemplating every shitty thing that led to this massively shitty situation. He didn't want to leave them hanging like this, but it was as if his voice had shriveled up and died. His throat closed up painfully, and he couldn't force a single word out, no matter how hard he tried.

“It's… it's okay. You can tell us anything.” Mona suggested assuringly.

He had no way to know if that was true or not. He didn't want to test their theory by actually telling them, because he could ruin everything. He was so sick of messing things up with everyone.

Childe was staring at him again, but with something more than pity. It looked like recognition. “Are… are you trying to come out to us?” Childe wondered.

Scara froze for several seconds, hardly daring to breathe. He noticed Childe was staring at him, and so was Mona. Both of them looked curious and worried. With no other options in sight, he nodded shakily.

“Oh… oh shit.” Mona said. “Oh, damn. Are you like… are you bi, or something?”

He wished it was that simple. He shook his head slowly, staring down at his feet instead of either one of them. His throat felt thick and scratchy and dry. Bile burned, coating his throat like molten lava.

Scara took a deep breath, trying to calm his jittery nerves and racing heart. Why did having a simple conversation have to feel so much like dying?

“I… I’m…” He hesitated for a long time, longer than the length of their entire previous conversation. Mona and Childe sat there, waiting. He knew they didn't deserve that. He knew that he didn't deserve them. At some point, Mona reached forward and grabbed his hand in hers. After a slight hesitation, Childe reached for his other hand, squeezing gently.

“I'm trans.” Scara whispered, so quietly that he wasn't even sure if they could hear him. So he decided to say it again, louder this time, to cement the statement in reality. “I'm trans.”

“O-oh. Oh. That… makes so much sense, actually.” Mona exclaimed. “Oh, shit.” She held Scara's hand tighter, leaning as close to him as she possibly could. When she reached forward with her other hand and brushed a tear away, he hadn't even realized that he had been crying.

Childe, however, pulled his hand away. The sudden rush of cold air where his warmth had been, jolted Scara so much that his tears dried up.

“Ch-Childe?” Scara muttered, too scared to look at the expression on his face.

“I-I just have…questions.” Childe whispered. “So. Do we like, call you a boy now? Like I'd already been doing before?”

“Y-yeah, basically…” Scara muttered.

“And… How long have you known?”

“I… it's not really a simple answer…” Scara replied. “I… finally admitted that it might be true just a week ago…” they hesitated for a moment, before adding. “But… I've suspected something like that might be the case for… a long time.”

“How long?” Childe whispered, and he said it almost desperately.

Oh.

He had felt decieved by Scara when he found out he was supposedly a girl. And now, everything was being switched up again. Childe probably didn't know how to feel anymore, besides being confused. Scara couldn't exactly blame him, either. He himself was confused about everything, too.

Scara inhaled slowly, letting out the breath as a sigh. “Years.” He whispered. “I've… Been thinking about this for years. I just… didn't think I could tell anyone.”

Childe had a somber, almost hurt, expression on his face. “Gods, it must be my turn to be an asshole.” He muttered, opening the door to his car and stepping out. Mona and Scara followed him feeling a bit dazed and confused.

“Wh-what are you…?”

“It's dumb. It's really dumb. I know you didn't, but I- I really feel like you lied to me. I feel so… hurt. You've been hurting for such a long time, but I'm the one complaining-” Childe hesitated when he saw the empty, detached look taking over Scara's face. “Im not saying that I don't support you, or anything-” He added in a rush.

“Then, what?” Scara whispered.

“I just… need some time to process everything.” Childe muttered, turning and walking back towards the building. “We need to get to class.”

Mona squeezed Scara's hand, and Scara leaned against her shoulder for some support. He felt like he was going to fall over.

“Hey, it's alright. He'll be fine.” Mona insisted reassuringly. “I… I care about you.”

“I know.” He replied quietly to both of her statements. “I know.”

“You're my best friend, dude.” Mona whispered. “Seriously. Things were kind of confusing there for a moment, and I'm kind of pissed that you didn't tell me sooner-”

“I'm sorry.” Scara replied. “Really. I just… didn't exactly know how, yet.”

“It's fine.” Mona replied. “I… just want you to know that I support you.”

As soon as the words left Mona’s mouth, an all-too familiar flash of bright light appeared in front of them.

“I-its blinding me!” Mona exclaimed. “What is that?”

Scara was too shocked to even speak for a moment.

The Vision appeared in midair, hovering above Mona's face before she reached up and eagerly snatched it. The gemstone was still gleaming white, the color slowly fading into it right in front of her.

“Damn… I didn't reach for mine so fast.” Scara muttered. “I… kinda wanted the thing to disappear…”

“I'm excited! I can't believe you weren't excited! Oh my god-” Mona cut herself off when she saw the deep blue color appear. “Oh my God. Looks like I'll be spending a bit more time with Childe.” She waved the Hydro Vision tauntingly in his face.

“Lucky you.” Scara muttered, but he was smiling. He was happy for her.

Mona had a Vision.

He had a Vision.

Scara watched as Mona stared at the Vision, not really sure where to put it. “I want it to be seen by everyone, all of the time!” She said she noticed Scara watching her.

“If you put it somewhere behind you, and leave your hair pulled up all the time, everyone will see it.” Scara suggested. “They won't even have to be standing in front of you.”

Mona gasped dramatically. “Youre right! I can force everyone to admire it from afar, and become one of those braggy assholes with a Vision!” She sighed, satisfied. “A dream come true.”

“I… wouldn't go that far.” Scara replied, taking the Vision from her and fastening it right behind her neck.

“And what about yours, Scara?” Mona said. “You don't have to hide it anymore. Everyone kinda knows about it.”

“Yeah… I guess you're right.” Scara replied, taking the Vision out of his pocket and fastening it on the left side of his chest. Right above his heart.

“Fancy.” Mona replied, agreeing with his choice. “Everyone needs to say hello to Vision receivers number two and three!”

“Third place is hardly an accomplishment.” Scara replied. “To everyone else, anyway.”

“That's because everyone else will be jealous.”
Mona brushed aside his statement. “Plus, Fischl will be impressed. That's all that matters to me.”

“And you're sure you aren't gay?” Scara told her, sounding amused.

“Are you?” She shot back.

“Well…” Scara considered for a moment, then shrugged. “Fair enough.”
###

Chapter Text

Class was ending for the day, and Scara was still unsure if he would be going back to Alhaitham's house, or going home to Raiden. He was hoping desperately for the former, but feared that it would actually be the latter.

He and Mona had revealed to their Vision class that they had their Visions already, and they were informed by Diluc that they would have to start their training tomorrow after school. Scara was sort of looking forward to it, especially if they would have to go home to Raiden. Having to stay after school for something would mean less time he had to be around her, after all.

Scara sat with Mona on the front steps of the building, waiting anxiously for Alhaitham to pick him up just like he always did. He was sort of anticipating, but also dreading the conversation they would need to have. Mona seemed to pick up on his nervousness, and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer to her.

“I'm sure everything will be fine, dude.” Mona told him assuringly. “He’d let you stay as long as you needed to, right?”

“That's not what I'm worried about.” Scara admitted. “I know he'll agree to let me stay if I ask. But I… don't want to burden them like that.” Scara whispered. “They're already busy with Nahida, and money is tight…”

“None of this will be easy, I'm sure.” Mona replied considerately. “If they tell you that you can stay, I'm sure it's because they considered every possibility. But if you don't agree to it, then, won't you be unhappy?”

“I… I mean, kind of…” Scara muttered. “Raiden was… sort of like you. She was hurt. Confused.” Scara sighed, leaning away from Mona, and covered his face with his hands. “I… should probably just talk to her.”

“If all you needed to do was talk, then you wouldn't be this worried.” Mona whispered, looking away slightly. “There's a reason that you feel this way.”

“You’re sounding like you're experienced in this particular subject…” Scara pointed out to her.

Mona frowned slightly. “Maybe I am.”

There were several seconds of silence that neither of them felt a need to fill. Being around her was easy, familiar. Her presence was comforting to him, in a way.

“Okay, fine.” Mona blurted out after a moment. “I might be gay. I don't know why that was so hard.”

“I know.” Scara replied, leaning against her again. “I love you, even though you're a little weird.”

“And I love you, but you're more than a little weird.” Mona shot back playfully.

“Hey…”

“Not sorry.” Mona laughed. “Did you miss the part where I loved you?”

“That doesn't make up for it. I'm not that weird.” Scara protested.

“Hmm, it's very telling that you think ‘weird’ is a bad thing.”

“...I guess you're right about that one.” Scara replied softly. “I used to view it as a bad thing, actually. I used it as a standard to hold myself to, kind of. Like, I'm ‘acceptable’ or ‘normal’ because there are things that I do, or don't do.”

“That mindset is pretty harmful.” Mona replied. “Especially when you think about the kinds of things you told yourself aren't normal.”

“You aren't telling me anything I don't know, unfortunately.” Scara said. He smiled, just a little. “I used being ‘too normal’ as a way to justify to myself that I wasn't trans, because that would be weird.”

“That's similar to what I thought about myself, actually.” Mona admitted.

Before Scara could think of a reply to Mona, he watched Alhaitham's car pull up the drive, a small distance away from where they were sitting. He spent a few blissful seconds in denial, pretending he didn't even see it, when Alhaitham honked to announce his arrival.

“Th-theres my ride, I guess.” Scara muttered, gathering his stuff.

“Try not to sound so enthusiastic in front of him.” Mona told him sarcastically.

“I know, realistically, everything will be fine, but-”

“Scara, my sweet friend,” Mona met his eyes with understanding. “Anxiousness isn't realistic. Stop invalidating yourself by pretending it is.”

Scara couldn't think of anything to say to that, especially something that wouldn't sound super dumb compared to Mona. So instead, he just waved at her and started making the short trek towards Alhaitham's car. He wasn't proud of it, but he walked a bit slower than his normal pace purposefully, to drag things out as long as possible.

When he approached the car, he made the split second decision to get in the front seat next to Alhaitham. He no longer felt nervous around him, especially since he didn't really have anything to hide. Besides, he had kind of missed the comfort and ease of their past interactions, and was unintentionally seeking his guidance and reassurance.

When he was seated and shut the door, Alhaitham reached over and ruffled his hair slightly, until he batted him away playfully.

“I saw you talking with Mona.” Alhaitham observed. Of course he would open with a blatant statement like that, it was just the way he did things. Getting straight to the point.

“Yeah… I kind of… Skipped class to talk things out with Mona and Childe.” Scara admitted in a rush, hoping Alhaitham wouldn't judge him too much.

Alhaitham frowned and his eyes narrowed at Scara, but thankfully those were the only indications of his disapproval. “How did things go?”

Scara sighed slightly, thinking of Childe. “They were understandably hurt and confused, but ultimately… pretty supportive. Things went mostly well, actually.”

“Mostly?” Alhaitham inquired.

“Childe was… understanding, but still sort of hurt and confused. And I don't blame him at all. But it felt… kind of upsetting still.” Scara muttered. “Also, it was very hard to even say anything at all. Why didn't you tell me how stressful it would be?”

Alhaitham laughed a little. “Even with people you trust, it can be hard to say something like that. There's always an underlying fear that things could go wrong, no matter how unrealistic it might seem.”

Scara considered for a moment. “What was it like for you, coming out?”

Alhaitham's face became unreadable for a moment. “Kaveh's parents were supportive, of course. He was already out to them, so bringing me to meet them was expected.” He sighed, blinking rapidly for a few moments. “My parents were… not so supportive, at all.”

Scara looked away, out the window. He noticed instantly that they were driving towards Alhaitham's house, no discussion needed. He was relieved that he wouldn't have to see Raiden, but also feeling even more like a liability to Alhaitham for taking up so much of his time and energy recently.

“Like… like Raiden?” Scara whispered.

Alhaitham replied, “Raiden is… she was sort of blindsided. She's confused, she believes in misinformation. She can still come around.”

“Are you sure-”

“Compared to my own personal experiences, yes. She hasn't yet reached that level of close-mindedness that she can't change.”

“Oh.” Scara whispered, glancing over at the slightly hurt expression on Alhaitham's face. “I'm sorry.”

“There's no need to apologize, really.” Alhaitham smiled slightly, trying to reassure Scara. He still looked sad, though. “I've moved past it. I'm better now.”

“I'm glad.” Scara replied truthfully.

“And, in time, things between you and Raiden will improve.” Alhaitham's face turned stern and scolding once more. “But that requires communication, which is something I wanted to talk about with you.”

Scara stared down at his feet worriedly.

“Raiden called me.” Alhaitham began sternly. “I don't even know how she got my number. But she was… desperate. She sounded worried about you. It seemed almost as if she didn't know where you were.”

Scara noticeably avoided Alhaitham's relentless gaze.

“I told you to call her.” Alhaitham scolded.

“I…” Scara sighed. “What did she say? What did you say?”

“You're only worried about how this affects you.” Alhaitham pointed out. “I know you don't want to, but imagine how Raiden must feel. She isn't uncaring or cruel, though you might view her that way. She wants the best for you, as crazy as that might sound. Her way of achieving that is just… not ideal.”

“That's an understatement.” Scara muttered.

“I'll answer your question first, because I want to foster trust and mutual respect. But I expect you to answer mine.” Alhaitham replied. “She wanted to know if you were safe with me. She wanted to know how you were feeling. And I told her that you were, in fact, with me. And I mentioned that you were doing alright, if not feeling a little upset about everything.”

“You… You didn't mention the-”

“The bridge thing? No.” Alhaitham sighed. “I'm not sure if that was the best approach. I was hoping you might mention it yourself.”

Why would he go and do a stupid thing like that? He didn't have a death wish, or particularly feel like dropping in for a weekend at a mental institution.

“Now, I would like to know why you disobeyed me. Why you decided that whatever grudge you were holding was more important than Raiden knowing about your well-being.” Alhaitham said, sounding sort of harsher than Scara thought was necessary.

“I… I didn't think she would care that much, honestly…” Scara muttered. “I didn't want to have to listen to her tell me the same things all over again, and try to justify everything that she did.”

“That's understandable, of course. But she was genuinely worried about you.” Alhaitham said sadly. “You're lucky that she cares about you. You should be grateful for that, though it may not seem like it now. She… wanted me to apologize to you, and ask you to call her later tonight so you can talk.”

Scara sighed heavily, folding his arms and slumping in his seat. “Fine…” he grumbled. “I'm sorry I lied to you. I'll… I'll talk to her tonight.”

“And I will be in the room this time, to make sure that you do.” Alhaitham replied sternly.

“Yeah, whatever.” Scara sighed, leaning his head on the window while Alhaitham approached his driveway.

It was understandable. Expected, even.

But that didn't mean he had to like it.

###

Alhaitham, unfortunately, stayed true to his word. As soon as Scara walked through the door and finished greeting Nahida and Kaveh, Alhaitham ushered him towards his office, secluded and private from the rest of the house so there was no hope of intervention.

As soon as the door clicked shut, it was over and he knew it.

Alhaitham stood with his back against the door, arms folded lightly over his chest. “Call her. Right now.”

Scara glowered at him from the other side of the room. “I agreed to calling her later, not immediately.” He argued.

“If you keep putting it off forever, it will never get done.” Alhaitham replied. “You'll only find yourself becoming more anxious and filled with dread, the longer time passes.”

He was right. Scara hated that he was always right.

“Wh-what will I even say?” Scara protested.

“I suggest you open with an apology.” Alhaitham told him sternly.

Scara groaned. “Do I have the privilege of speaking to her somewhat privately, or do I need to put the phone on speaker, too?”

“Oh, come on, I'm not that cruel.” Alhaitham said, sighing and giving his head a little shake of disappointment.

“But you are kind of nosy.” Scara muttered, while dialing Raiden's number as slowly as he possibly could manage. He lowered himself onto the couch shakily as it rang once, then twice.

“Scara?” Raiden's voice appeared crisply, sounding concerned but otherwise composed, in Scara's ears.

He wrung his hands together nervously, holding the phone against his ear with his shoulder. “H-hi…” He said lamely.

Raiden sighed. “You were supposed to call me yesterday, or so I've been told.” She sounded disappointed, per usual, but also uncharacteristically worried.

“Y-yeah… I was.” Scara mumbled shamefully. “I'm sorry.”

“Are you okay?” Raiden questioned, brushing past his apology without even acknowledging it.

“I'm fine.” Scara replied by default.

“Don't give me that, Scara. You've always said that, and I'm just now realizing how it probably isn't true.” Raiden whispered hoarsely. He could imagine her rubbing her forehead between two of her fingers, eyes full of disappointment, and disapproval.

“I… alright.” Scara gave in. “You're right. It's not.”

“How have you really been doing?”

“It's… hard…” Scara muttered, choking up just a little.

“I suppose I've played a part in that, haven't I?” Raiden whispered hesitantly.

Scara's eyes narrowed. “You don't have to. That was your choice.”

“When will you be coming back?” Raiden questioned, sounding almost sad. “I… I'll try my hardest to…understand.”

“I'm sure.” Scara replied sarcastically.

“This is hard for me, too, you know.” Raiden sounded sort of frustrated. “I just don't know how to get through to you. I've tried to help you in any way I could think of. I tried protecting you. I've even tried offering my support, now, like you wanted.” She sighed. “I don't get what I'm doing wrong. What do you want from me, Scara?”

“I want you to mean it.” Scara whispered.

“I DO mean it.”

“N-no. You're just trying to make me come back.” Scara replied. “If you want me to believe that, you have to prove it.”

“I… alright. I'll try my best.” Raiden sighed. “I admit, I do want you to come back home. I don't like you being there with… them.”

“This is exactly what I'm talking about-”

“Listen to me.” Raiden interrupted. “I want you home. But I… I don't want to make you uncomfortable, or hurt you… anymore. I'll try my best to be… Understanding. Accepting.”

“Really?” Scara questioned. “How exactly?”

“Well… I…” Raiden sighed, sounding exasperated. “I didn't really mean anything that I said… when we were fighting. I was just… upset. Confused. I felt conflicted, because everything was changing so quickly, and I felt like I was losing you. I didn't want to lose you, just like I lost my sister.”

“You think having a slightly uncomfortable conversation was hard?” Scara sounded equally frustrated. “How hard do you think it was for me, feeling like I couldn't even talk to you? Or do you even care?”

“I'm sorry.” Raiden replied. “I know. I wish you felt like you could talk to me, instead of Alhaitham. I know I don't exactly… deserve that, though.”

“No, you don't.” Scara agreed.

Raiden was silent for a few moments. “I want to be better. For you.”

“Prove it…” Scara whispered.

“I… I love you. You're my… son.” Raiden inhaled sharply. “And I love you.”

Scara sat, completely in disbelief. He almost wanted to pretend like he hadn't heard, so she would say it again. But he knew better than to push his luck when it most likely hadn't been easy.

“I'll come back tomorrow.” He whispered, and promptly hung up before Raiden beat him to it.

Alhaitham gave him a reassuring, almost hesitant smile, as if he were asking if everything was okay. Scara gave him a shaky thumbs up in return.

It wasn't very much. But it was a start.

That was about all he could hope for.
###