Work Text:
I (323 M) am a vampire. My job is to capture humans and bring them home to my lover (321 F). We have done this for many years, and I thought it may be time for a change, as ordinarily I bring her men. Therefore I decided to disguise myself as a quarterback for the Philadelphia Flavours to entice a woman instead. It worked well, and I was able to illegally take her out of the USA to my home in Transylvania, Romania. When she awoke tied to a chair, she seemed confused and startled that I wasn’t the quarterback and that my name wasn’t Bobby, a clever anagram I used. Strangely, when I informed her that she was a sacrifice, she appeared to find this incredibly attractive and did not seem to care that she would die.
Just after that, my lover arrived and I excitedly told her about her gift, but she was disgusted. Apparently, she only wanted the ‘strong boys’. I thought I would just be told off before the sacrifice began to flirt with my lover, AND MY LOVER FLIRTED BACK. I tried to keep her attention which only resulted in the two growing closer and my lover chastising me for my codename, saying it was ‘lazy’ and ‘not even a fucking anagram’.
Unfortunately, I am rather sensitive and cry easily, which only resulted in them sending me away. I tried convincing my lover once more when I’d left the room for sex but she had sole focus for the sacrifice. As I’m writing this, they are laughing about me downstairs and making jokes about my lack of hair. So, am I the asshole?
P.S. Master Ybbob did not write this. I, his servant, did, at his request, and I am inclined to agree that he is the asshole, because those two downstairs are made for each other.
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Update: He really fucked up and caused her death.
People are asking for an update and boy, do I have one to give. After Master Ybbob came upstairs, they continued talking and exchanging opinions on men, and the sacrifice (we’ll call her A), really helped the lover (we’ll call her E) understand how much better women are at everything, and that they much prefer personality over any showmanship of physique. It was looking like a love story unfolding right there and then. Except by then, E had untied A. Which would seem fine, no one would expect her to be carrying weapons or anything, right?
Wrong. It turned out that A’s ‘part time job’ was none other than vampire slayer. She stabbed E through the heart. It was like the end of a scene from Shakespeare, rife with betrayal.
Master Ybbob does not know that E is currently bleeding out. And because I’m only useful to him for writing letters, I don’t feel like telling him. There are likely to be no more updates, because I was shipping those two and I’m crushed.
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Update: This really is the last update.
I decided to leave the situation as it was while E bled out, but when I returned to clean up (I may not like Master Ybbob but blood does not come out of fabrics if you leave it too long, and those fabrics are antique), the room was empty. No body, not even a spot of blood. But the window was open, and peering out I saw two figures silhouetted in the moonlight, one carrying the other in a bridal hold. A flash of thunder lit up one’s neck and I smiled, because I would recognise that lipstick anywhere. The mark of a 400 year old witch. Sephora.
It turns out that I was right after all. They are made for each other.