Chapter 1: AITA
Summary:
Jonny asks the real question.
Chapter Text
324
r/AmItheAsshole · Posted by AusJonnyS_83 10 hours ago.
AITA for going after an emotionally unavailable woman after she told me I was too clingy?
Relationships
I (32m) am in love with a woman (f, age unknown) that I will refer to as 'Miss Independent.' She is everything a man could ever want, you'll have to trust me on this one: confident, hot, flexible, and deliciously violent. I saw her from across the room at a business Gala in Rio and knew instantaneously she was the one for me. She appeared interested and after capturing her attention, we chatted for a few hours over dinner and wine. It was a wonderful time. She was quite receptive until the conversation turned south at the tail-end while discussing women in the work force (aka, women NOT participating in the workforce), but all in all, I had high hopes. However, five minutes later, she turned me into the authorities for smuggling, of all things. When I asked her why, she said I talk too much and that I'm (quote), "super-clingy and come on way too strong."
While I was being cuffed, she flew away in a helicopter like some kind of angel (that's what her boss referred to her as). I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. She is the most incredible woman I've ever met, but my second claims that I'm being an idiot. He seems to think that I am the asshole (me?!), believing that this woman has no feelings for me whatsoever and that she was merely playing me for the benefit of her agency, leading to sloppy techniques that resulted in all of us being captured, but I saw the playfulness in her eyes. She's the real deal, and I intend to go after her, as soon as I find her location.
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SabinaCuntpenter233 points · 4 hours ago
You're not the asshole. You're just desperate af.
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SabinaCuntpenter233 points · 4 hours ago
Also, where are you?
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SabinaCuntpenter233 points · 2 days ago
Like GPS coordinates
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AusJonnyS_832 points · 2 hours ago
Miss Independent?! Is this you?!
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AusJonnyS_832 points · 2 hours ago
31°45′48″N 94°50′40″W
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SabinaCuntpenter233 points · 4 hours ago
Jonny. You're an idiot.
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Chapter 2: r/hamburg
Chapter Text
122
r/hamburg · Posted by u/Ryn_around_the_Rosey 72 days ago.
WTF
kriminalit & polizei
In my local coffee shop (location doesn't matter) and this batshit insane man just attacked a woman with a gun. Another woman rammed him in the face with a newspaper and her fist and pulled out another gun and there was a whole ass fight that culminated in the side of the building being destroyed and a car chase. There was even a typewriter involved and I didn't even know people still used those things?! Is this like... normal for Germany???? Should I move or find another coffee shop, or I don't know... leave the freaking country? This is insane. I literally just moved b/c I thought this place would be less crazy than America, but ever since that weird lightbulb Caliope thing was made, it's like Hamburg is going mad.
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Badbitch6978 points · 30 days ago
Wait. What did the woman look like? Cause this sounds like that time last month when I was at an auto repair shop in Munich and a bunch of women just randomly showed up and kicked the mechanic's ass. One of them gave me a card that said something ominous like 'Engels' or something, I dunno. I was too freaked out to really look considering I'm not from around there.
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Cricketdust48 points · 30 days ago
We love a woman in STEM
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Ain'tnothingtoit25233 points · 22 days ago
I've had the same experience in Brisbane, so maybe it's a cult? Something religious? Or maybe it's like Russia, lots of badass woman soldiers or spies or something?
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Ryn_around_the_Rosey11 points · 21 days ago
A CULT! Hell no. No thank you.
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22_LiefEricson389 points · 65 days ago
It's a spy organization. I only found out b/c I know this girl who helped create something techy last year in Rome and they hardcore tried to recruit her.
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Avengersfan_DCsux389 points · 65 days ago
You thought Germany would be less crazy than America?
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TimDaniles_girly434 points · 64 days ago
Same thing happened in Seattle last year, but the card said 'Angels.' The girl that gave it to me was real hot, tho. Very wild
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spymasterLena9 points · 4 days ago
Don't worry! I was the person the guy was after and I'm still alive (more than I can say for Calisto). Can't tell you any more than that, but I'm glad to know everyone else was okay!
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Janeokaneo8 points · 3 days ago
Sorry about the violence. It was necessary :)
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SabinaCuntpenter233 points · 2 days ago
Bold words for someone who threw me off a cliff in Rio
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Janeokaneo8 points · 2 days ago
It was a roof, and I'd do it again.
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SabinaCuntpenter233 points · 2 days ago
"It was a roof and I'd do it again"
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Ryn_around_the_Rosey11 points · 6 hours ago
Seriously?! NOW I get a reply!?????? Who are you? What are you? Is this an organization like u/22_LiefEricson said???? Please I HAVE to know.
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BossBos3423,902 points · 5 hours ago
Check your inbox, babe 😎
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Chapter 3: Breaking News
Chapter Text
356
r/worldnews · Posted by u/newsweek 5 days ago.
Germany
Worldnews
A large explosion rocks the West Munich area in Germany, home to high-level officials, and reportedly an underground spy organization. See MunichNow for more details.
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Saint42596 points · 1 day ago
I am still very heated about this.
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Chapter 4: SabinaCuntpenter
Chapter Text
r/hamburg · WTF
u/SabinaCuntpenter responded to u/Janeokaneo 1 month ago · 233 points
Bold words for someone who threw me off a cliff in Rio
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r/kristenstewart · The safety pin dress...
u/SabinaCuntpenter commented 2 months ago · 233 points
HAWT
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r/explainlikeimfive · What do real spies do?
u/SabinaCuntpenter commented 1 month ago · 233 points
"You're too sexy to be a spy" is just a super nice way of telling someone that they didn't get the job :P
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u/myEyesmyEars300 commented 2 months ago · 498 points
You're not going to get an answer here. If anyone on reddit knows anything about this, they are a spy. If they are a spy, they will not tell you because they are a spy. It's a super-secret kind of thing. This is our daily dilemma.
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u/SabinaCuntpenter responded to u/myEyesmyEars300 1 month ago · 233 points
LOL wrong. Sorry my guy. Also, u/JaneoKaneo would like everyone to know that spying isn't about sharpshooting, explosives, bombs, or Krav Maga, bla bla bla and that it's apparently about intuition, interpersonal skills, and simply looking like the role you're playing. Boss also added that women are often chosen because of their ability to charm dumbasses who have access to the information they want. u/spymasterLena I say we look hella good doing it. Ask u/AusJonnyS_83 XD lmfao
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u/spymasterLena commented 1 month ago · 9 points
How is he still at large? I swear he has no brain cells
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u/SabinaCuntpenter commented 2 weeks ago · 233 points
Working on it.
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r/funnycats · Chute babies
u/SabinaCuntpenter commented 1 month ago · 233 points
u/Janeokaneo and u/spymasterLena His little mittens I can't 🥹🥹🥹
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r/Angels [private subreddit] · Australian Jonny
u/SabinaCuntpenter commented 2 weeks ago · 233 points
Anyone seen an annoying man with a superiority complex near TX? Small dick energy. Likes gay women who are mean to him?
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u/SabinaCuntpenter commented 2 weeks ago · 233 points
For the love of God if anyone comments "check Tinder" again I swear on Jane's catsuit I'm coming for you.
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u/spymasterLena responded to u/SabinaCuntpenter 1 week ago · 9 points
Tinder
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u/Janeokaneo responded to u/SpymasterLena 3 days ago · 9 points
Tinder
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BossBos342responded to u/SpymasterLena 2 days ago · 3,902 points
Tinder
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Chapter 5: Australian Jonny
Chapter Text
356
r/the onion · Posted by u/dwaxe 10 days ago.
Patriarchy
Yearning
Satire
"She is my everything," claims straight male extortionist in reference to a Queer woman who hates him. "We just have this connection."
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Chapter 6: Trauma bonds
Chapter Text
45
r/the onion · Posted by u/dwaxe 10 days ago.
Female Friendships
LGBTQIA
Townsend Agency
Friends? Coworkers? Lovers? None of the above. Experts allude to a secret fourth option: trauma bonded for life.
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Chapter 7: Janeokaneo and friendship
Chapter Text
32
r/Angels [private subreddit] · Posted by Janeokaneo 4 days ago.
Emotional Growth
Relationships
Saint says I have to make a post regarding my love for my teammates. So, here it is:
Sabina: You're really weird and I love you. I'm going to keep pushing you off of roofs, though. Also, stop eating my sandwiches when Saint is literally right there. You don't even like Tuna.
Elena: You are amazing, and I am so glad you joined our team. I know Boz thinks you're the most emotionally mature out of all of us and she's right, obviously. Sabina and I would be lost without you (Sabina more than me) and I'm excited for you to be a part of our little group going forward.
That is all. Thank you for your time.
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SabinaCuntpenter233 points · 3 days ago
You're my lobster 🥰🙂↕️😘
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spymasterLena233 points · 4 hours ago
Love you, girl!
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theRealRuthBGin5793 points · 2 days ago
You three young ladies really need to form a groupchat.
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SteinfHail_32 points · 2 hours ago
^^^^
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ChloeKim_forever245 points · 1 day ago
^^^^
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KristenChen-theRealGalinda1504 points · 4 hours ago
I think it's quite sweet. Hold onto each other girls. There's a reason you're one of the best teams in Germany.
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spymasterLena9 points · 4 hours ago
OMG Kristen Chenoweth is an ANGEL!????????? Dead. I'm dead!
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cricketdust on Chapter 1 Fri 18 Jul 2025 03:03AM UTC
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