Work Text:
He couldn't do it...
Stuck in the moment his chest too tight to fully expand for air
Tamaki knew it was going to be a bad day.
He knew because of last night's panic attack causing him to get off at a random trainstop to find a restroom to fully breakdown in. Gasping for air and sobbing while trying to be mindful of others who were in the other stalls. It was worse than usual pent up and with held because he had been busy with fatgum's agency for the last few days he had poor stamina with his energy and how many days he could go without a break. Feeling his body flush with a tingling sensation at times along with the sharp pressure he'd get when moving his head from lower positions, he hadn't been eating much due to his lack of appetite and the consistent shaking out of his left arm being bothered by the torn stitching on the inside of his costumes armpit. Too many factors he ignored, the silent overwhelming factors
He didnt realise it was happening until he was asked if he was ok on the train and took notice of his breathing, uneven and more like a steady panting. Being a hero, graduating with Mirio and Nejrie were goals but he still had to push himself in the private ordeals of his own struggles.
In the stall he had called mirio he was patient and always offered help in similar situations. His chest and hands went numb while waiting for the pickup. He was struggling to get his breathing right and he couldnt think straight.
"Hello?... hellooo tamaki" mirio sung out like usual but all he could hear was staggered breathing.
"yo are you there?" concern tinged in his voice
"Y-ye-yes" he sounded like a sad child after crying too much. Hiccuping and wiping his tears on the cold tile trying to conjure what he should've said next just choked on even more cries. He no longer cared about how loud he was being, he couldn't control it anymore.
Mirio still on the phone listening, saying something to him about remembering to breath and then waited patiently for about 20 minutes before speaking allowing tamaki to get it out of his system.
"Tamaki?..." silence in return
"Tamaki?..." tamaki could hear and even opened his mouth a few times before shutting it he had no energy to speak
"Tamaki you're gonna have to give me some sorta noise man, anything?"
"Yea" was all he got out in a whisper
"Thank goodness that sounded like a rough one, and you haven't had any in a while too. Are you ok? Where are you? Do you need me to come to you?"
"T-too m-many" was all he could get out
A few more minutes went by with silence on the line before mirio stated talking about his day to distract him. Once he was feeling stable enough he sent a text letting him know he was ok and that he was gonna head home. Mirio told him his goodbyes and to let him know what had happened later if he wanted to and hung up.
While getting up he got a bit dizzy and hit his head leaning forward.
"Ooouch"
He rubbed his head and dusted off his bottom. Luckily noone was in the stalls after his time being in there, he washed off his face and drank some water from the faucet then stood with his hands beneath the warm dryer for a minute before heading out to wait for the next train. Attacks always drained him but they also seemed to highten his senses. he felt light and sluggish sitting on the too cold benches. Feeling a nice breeze come through from the tunnel with the smell of wet cement. He sat in silence.
He didnt really remember his ride back home, or the shower he had taken, he came to after laying down in bed hugging a plush and tearing up with dread for the next day. He had school and a presentation for of Mr. Aizawa's class again. He knew how he'd feel after his attack and only had the option to push through yet again. He kept thinking about the different outcomes of how tomorrow would go until he fell asleep around 2 am.
"I can't do this" he thought to himself entering UA grounds. He still felt light and floppy and drained from last night. Today was a no talking day, he had let Mirio know this morning in a text explaining a few things from last night. Trying to just open his mouth made him feel like throwing up.
He went through his first few classes feeling, it was mostly note taking since it was the beginning on the week so he had recorded it since he was having trouble with his druken felt body he couldnt write properly until midday. He had skipped lunch to fill out some work study forms for fatgum and went to mirio and nejrie who were prepping for the presentation. He got a few looks from them while spacing out a bit but he didnt feel bad until suddenly he did.
It was dizzying standing in the dimmed classroom. Flipping through the slides on his phone connected to the projector he had tripped on his way in the embarrassment sprung as a full numbing chill through his body. His mouth was dry and he kept missing the next button hints they had practiced but he just heard in and out muffling. He looked around to see some of the class looking at him, he could not do this right now.
He was loosing his concentration and realized he was holding his breath he was worried and didnt want to breath to loud during the presentation. He looked at mirio eyes drooped fighting to blink the dizzyness away and shook his head swaying and handing over his phone to nejrie. She called out his name but he hadn't heard. Tripping yet again on his way out mid presentation.
The lights in the hall were blinding and he had stumbled into the wall as if he was in the part of a fun house where the floors tilted. Class was still in session so that saved him from anything embarrassing. Time felt like it came to a crawl while making his way to the restroom one foot at a time.
He ran into a stall door falling over the ceramic. He choked out the breath he had been holding and stated hyperventilating in short puffs. Grabbing his chest and curling into him self to sob before he hurled. Having his chest tighten didnt make it better. The strain came from upchucking nothing but stomach acid. Empty. Dizzy. Shakey. His quick breathing had come to a steady tired flow. The cool tile was nice, trying to stand wasn't an option so he rested his head on his arms that we crossed over the edge of the seat.
He didnt know how long it had been but he had heard the bell then a few muffled voices. Surely some students but then he heard his named being called out.
"Tamaki?"
He heard a few stalls being pushed open and knocked on
"Tamaki?"
"Tamaki?"
Mirio had phased his face through the door after seeing tamakis legs from underneath. Full grin only to find tamaki eyes partially opening to him.
"Mr. Aizawa he's in here. Could you give me a hand please? You too Kirishima."
"He didn't look to well when you guys came in for the presentation, I knew something was off more so than usual." Aizawa scrunched his nose smelling the vomit in the air.
"He's seemed off for the last few days at the agency, we've been extra busy because of all the retiring heros lately. No one's had too much time to check in with each other. I saw him yesterday, he had run off the train at a random stop. I didnt really think to question it at the time though." Kirishima had chimed in, ready to break into the door before he was stopped by Aizawa
"Could you unlock the door for us Tamaki?" Mirio had his face still partially through the door.
Tamaki felt drunken and drained. He sloppily raised his arm and lean towards the door to slide the locked but got a shocking pressure in his head that shot him back a bit. It took a second before he could. The pressure was tightening and making his ears ring a bit. He shut his eyes tolerating until it lightened up, listening to the muffles become clear. Opening his eyes to a worried trio. He was ashamed and felt he was being looked down on out of pity. He knew that wasn't the case but couldnt help how he thought at times like these. Blunt and somewhat pessimistic.
"Hellooo, Tamaki can you hear me?" It was aizawa now crouched to his height.
"We gotta take you to the nurse do you wanna try standing up?"
Tamaki went to lean forward and pressure shot straight back to his head making him dizzy again. He tried again only to be pushed back by aizawa this time
"Take your time."
Tamaki rolled his head back to gather whatever composure he thought he had
It was a sight mirio hadn't witnessed in a while tamaki was so out of it, still trying to push through and act normal after everything. He already knew tamaki would ruminate on what he could piece together later and feel only shame. Mirio didnt want him to feel that overwhelming anxiety and wished he could take it on himself. He can't though he could only stand and watch helplessly, only being able offer an ear or hand in situations he could and knew what to do in.
"Is he ok?" That all he could say this time while the adult more skillful than he handled it.
Aizawa looked back over his shoulder and sighed "Yea he just needs a second. Seems like he's got a headache and can't really stabilize himself right now which is weird because panic and anxiety attacks Drain people physically and mentally but not like this. It looks he threw up but I don't see anything solid in there, did he eat any breakfast or lunch with you today?"
"No, he was busy for most of lunch." Mirio was ashamed he knew he should've pushed him to eat of all days.
"He hasn't really been eating well lately. He told me this morning that today was a no talking day. He had a panic attack last night at a train stop which is probably when Kirishima saw him running off. He used to take days off from school to recoup but he's always felt guilty for it."
"My head" quietly pouted from behind Aizawa making him turn back.Tamaki's eyes were tearing up a with the pain displayed in the rest of his face
"You wanna try again?" This time he nodded for mirio to come get under his other arm they were gonna have to lift him. They struggled to lift him his legs buckled multiple times before remembering that Kirishima was watching idly
"Get his legs Kirishima?" Aizawa ordered breaking him out of his thoughts.
"Y-yup, yes sir, sorry" he moved quickly to help and scooped up his legs from the side.
Tamaki groaned, head wobbly making his pressure filled head feel like it was going to burst. He kept his eyes closed and didnt really speak he just listened as they carried him down the hall. Thankfully class was in session and recovery girls offices was in the 1st years wing of the school.
He woke up with an ice patch across his forehead and an iv pinching his hand when he went to move it to his face.
"Oh shoot"
He tried to sit up pinching the iv again.
"Ooow"
He was about to rub the area where the needle was until he was interrupted.
"Dont touch that. You'll hurt yourself."
It was Mirio sat in the guest chair of the nursing office.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Mmhm" he answered embarrassed and red in the face he remembered what had happened. He didnt mean for it to get to that point. He'd have to apologize to anyone who was around and Nejrie and Kirishima and Aizawa and Mirio and recovery girl and and an-
"Hey stop that you'll hurt yourself again you gotta calm your breathing" Mirio was in his face holding his hands. He didn't know when he started hyperventilating.
"In and out slowly ok?" Mirio breathed with him and he eased back in the bed.
"I want to go home" was all he could fester. he was so tired. Mirio just nodded and went to get Aizawa and recovery girl. It took a few minutes of just sitting in silence until he heard their footsteps.
"How are you feeling?"
"How are you feeling?"
Recovery girl and Aizawa asked in sync.
"Ok"
"It looks like you had quite a rough week according to Kirishima and mirio" aizawa stated
"Yea, Im trying to work hard. I can't seem to keep up like everyone else. I-im trying I swear." Mirio gave him a pained look he didn't understand why, did he upset him with his lack of stamina.
"We aren't questioning whether you're working hard or not we know you are, we even gave fatgum a call and he apologized for over working you." Tamaki was shocked to hear that.
"But we need to ensure your safety and mental health to keep up the good work. You need to eat and rest and take breaks."
Tamaki felt a painful guilt from hearing the word break, how disappointing.
"Which means youll actually be taking a few days off to recover from the panic attacks you've been having lately. If you don't you'll break down even more often and that isn't going to do any good for you in the long run." He gave them a nod. He was tired and ready to go home. Maybe a break would do him some good.