Chapter Text
A hard exhale escaped your lips as you nearly missed the landing, blades scraping the ice in a harsh slash. You halted yourself, frost spraying the air in a sharp arc. Heart still racing and breath caught in your throat, you pressed your palms into your eyes. The pressure nearly catalyzed stars into your vision. Maybe you could force the routine into your brain.
Weary, you looked up and outside past the windows of the rink. The sun was just starting to wash the campus in amber over the skyline. You came here early when it was still dark to clear your mind, and yet you’ve done nothing but repeat the same, mindless mistakes until the sun was up. If anything, your head was swarming with even more airborne plights, the albatross around your neck heavier.
“Shit,” you breathed, warm sigh a vapor against cool air. This week has been nothing but a wreck so far. Last minute transfer, last minute move, new everyone—no, new everything—and to top it all off your skating has only worsened with each practice. The Regional Competition was in a month. And there was no way you’d accept second place with gritted teeth and feigned smiles a second time.
Your mother had promised you that moving back to your old hometown would be for the better. “It misses you.” The chill in your bones and the simmering pit in your stomach said otherwise. Paradis doesn’t miss you. It remembers why you even left in the first place, after all. Wounds always left scars. Your talons were never going to be an exception.
With half-hearted resolve you skated off the rink, taking off your blades and packing your things. Duffel bag slung on one shoulder and backpack on the other, you checked your watch. One minute until your 8:00 AM. It was at least a four minute walk.
You shrugged. Whatever.
Throwing your bag into your locker, you walked to your class, not bothering to even pick up the pace. As you mounted the stairs into the building someone rushed past you, bumping shoulders so strongly you almost lost balance. You glared at the stranger in front of you, opening your mouth to yell something very polite until she turned around.
“Ah! I’m so sorry!” the girl exclaimed with wide, russet brown eyes. A messily tied ponytail bounced behind her as she rushed towards you, all apologetic smiles.
She searched you, mouth pressed into a worried line. “That was totally my fault. You’re okay, right?”
You smiled, calmer now. There was something about her that didn’t allow you to stay mad for long. “Yeah, I’m all good. Are you?”
She sighed in relief, putting her palm to her forehead. “Oh, thank God. Yeah, I am.” She squinted before looking back at you, something like curiosity alighting in her gaze. “Wait. I haven’t seen you before. I mean—Paradis University is kinda small. Everyone basically knows everyone, so it’s a surprise when there’s a new face around here ya know?”
She’s a talker, you mused.
You reluctantly nodded. “I’m new. I transferred from Sina this week.”
She gasped. “Sina? The private rich people university? Damn. You must be smart.”
You nervously laughed, the snake of dread in your stomach coiling in on itself a little more. “Yeah . . . something like that.”
She kept quiet for a moment to see if you’d elaborate but slowly nodded. “Hm, okay Mystery Girl. Well I’m Sasha. I should introduce you to my friends. They’re idiots, but they’re fun,” Sasha explained with an impish grin. Something told you they were just as energetic. A feeling of nostalgia brushed your heart.
She grabbed your hand and pulled you along to the building before she turned around abruptly, nearly surprising you again.
“Oh hey! You know what, let me make it up to you. You should come to my gig tonight at the Revel Nightclub,” she exclaimed, even more excited than before.
You raised your eyebrows. “You play in a band?”
She nodded. “The Scouts, with Connie and Jean. I’m the lead singer. I’d tell you about the others but you’re going to have to find out for yourself,” she sang playfully, swinging both your hands.
You laughed, her energy so infectious that your temper tantrum from earlier had practically dissipated into nothing. You opened your mouth to accept the gracious invitation before catching yourself. Your smile faltered, and a nagging thought in your head reminded you of that fatalistic pattern. The one that had its scope on you no matter the place, no matter the people. From Paradis to Sina, and back again. It was poised, locked and loaded as you stared down the barrel of the gun like a blind man the moment you decided to ignore the consequences.
Sasha noticed this, face scrunching in concern. “What’s wrong?”
You shook your head, pushing back down the crawling nerves. “Nothing.”
She looked at you. Maybe if you were closer she’d push, but she gave a half-hearted smile instead. “You’re coming, right?”
You swallowed. This time it’ll be different.
“Yeah, I am.”
She grinned. “Good. What class do you have?”
“Psychology with Erwin.”
She tugged you towards the door. “Looks like we’re going to be walking in late together.”
You sighed dramatically to which she giggled at. “Way to make me late on my first day, Sash.”
She gasped as if offended as you two stepped foot into the building. “Hey! You were walking in here late already! You weren’t even running like I was.”
You were immediately hit with a cool draft from the air conditioning. Sunlight filtered in through the windows, warm on both your faces. “True,” you conceded, smiling.
“You’re lucky I’m here to show you the ropes. Who’s your roommate? I probably know them.”
Your eyes widened, totally forgetting about that. “Wait . . . is your last name Braus?”
She stopped walking and slowly turned around to face you. “Shut up.”
You laughed in disbelief. At least something went right this week. “Looks like you’re going to be stuck with me for a long time.”
“Just my luck,” she muttered, but you could see the hint of a smile on her lips.
You made it to the classroom door, the stern, commanding voice of the professor muffled from the inside. If you weren’t standing in a college hallway right now you’d think it were the barracks of a bootcamp instead. Oh, you could already tell that he wasn’t the type to let tardiness slide. Especially since you were—
You checked your phone. 8:10.
Right.
You both braced yourselves before Sasha slowly opened the door. Not even a couple steps in and you were stopped in your tracks.
“Braus,” Professor Erwin called out before announcing your name too. Both you and Sasha muttered profanities under your breaths. How did he even know to put your name to your face already? You let go of each other’s hands. “How nice of you both to join us.”
A few people turned around in their seats, some snickering. You ignored them as you spotted a couple of empty chairs, motioning to Sasha who followed.
You dropped your backpack next to you and slumped into your seat, blowing a stray strand of hair out of your face. You glanced at Sasha who was already trying to discreetly pull out a crinkly bag of chips from her backpack.
This year was going to be phenomenal.
____
You flopped onto your bed, exhausted even though you barely had any classes today. Practicing for so long before your 8 AMs were definitely starting to take a toll on you. But it was like you couldn’t stop. Every mistake you made was proof you needed to do more. The dissatisfaction would eat at you sooner than you could break the surface for a gasp of air. Train now, rest later.
“Look alive, Ice Queen,” Sasha quipped, throwing a Coke next to you. The nickname she made on the spot the moment you told her you were a figure skater.
You raised a brow. “We’re not pregaming?”
Sasha shook her head. “I don’t like drinking before performing. You’re welcome to, though.”
“Aw, then what’s the fun in that? I won’t either then,” you decided, getting up to rummage through your suitcase. You hadn’t even bothered unpacking.
“What are we wearing?” Sasha asked, looking over your shoulder like an excited kid.
You looked at her, genuinely lost. “No clue.”
To be honest, you hadn’t even planned on entering the party scene again after Sina. It came with too many things—or rather, too many people—and their melodrama. The lies, the gossip, the upturned noses and forked tongues. You came here to get away from that. You painted the town red on enough occasions to last a lifetime.
A ragged sigh escaped you as you lazily reached for the can of Coke on the bed. “Old habits die hard I guess,” you murmured.
Sasha glanced at you with a weird look before crouching down and sifting through your clothes. She hummed, pulling out a short black dress with a v-neckline. The bottom stopped mid-thigh and there was a sheer lacy underlay that peeked and flared out slightly. “Oh, you would kill in this.”
You nodded in approval, smirking. “I know just what can go with that. Thanks Sash.”
She clicked her tongue, tapping her temple. “I’m telling you I’m a genius,” she sang before hurrying out the room. “Let me get dressed too!”
You slipped on your outfit and grabbed your makeup, settling in front of the mirror on the floor. You were convinced doing makeup on the ground with the mirror two inches away from you was practically therapy.
As the music Sasha put on softly played in the background you penciled in black eyeliner on your waterline. A familiar ritual, one that your friends back at Sina watched you do before every outing like this one. You blinked, setting the pencil down.
Ugh, you needed to just stop thinking.
The moment you were done with your makeup Sasha waltzed into the room as if on cue. The moment you saw each other you both squealed in excitement. You jumped up from your spot on the floor and ran to her in your heels, gushing.
“You look so hot I think I might throw up and faint,” you giggled, taking in her burgundy, strapless dress. Her hair was up in a neater ponytail than from earlier and her boots were a darker shade of maroon. Her makeup was simple, but of course she didn’t even need it.
“Are you kidding me? You’re even hotter. Megan Fox from Transformers has nothing on you,” she remarked, looking your body up and down like a desperate dog without a bone.
You gasped. “Okay, that’s too far.”
The two of you erupted into a fit of giggles like a bunch of schoolgirls again before Sasha shook your shoulders. “Okay, let’s go then?”
You smirked. “Let’s go.”
___
You got out of the car, nerves rolling through you at the wide expanse of people crowding in front of the club. Scout Club had always been here on this street for as long as you could remember, but of course you were never old enough to go. You’d drive past on midnight runs with your friends in high school, hearing the loud music blaring muffled inside of the walls, the cursive neon sign a warning. (According to your mom, at least. Not like you ever heeded her anyway). Now, here you were, feet seemingly rooted in place. Crowds made you nervous. This was the last place you’d expect to be. It was a Wednesday night, and yet there was a long line of people waiting to get in. Could this be Sasha’s doing?
“Hey, c’mon don’t freeze up on me now,” Sasha grinned, taking your hand in yours and pulling you to the front of the line.
You furrowed your brows, pointing to the throng of people, some of whom were now shooting glares. “Um, aren’t we—”
She waved to the bouncer who simply nodded. She looked back and smirked. “Perks of being in a band.”
She dragged you inside and immediately you could feel the bass thudding in your chest, your vision swarmed by red and purple lights like a kaleidoscope. It was loud and the scent of leatherette, sweat, and cologne was heady in the air. Intoxicating and almost revolting. Familiar. She tugged you along before you could get lost within the pageantry, bodies bumping against each other.
“Don’t get lost!” she yelled over the music.
“Wouldn’t dream of it!” you yelled back as she tugged you through the crowd, making it to the front of the stage. Sasha pointed, mouthing “I know them.”
A band was playing. Or, more like a duo. A girl with shoulder-length sandy hair sang into the mic like a land-born siren. A boy with a bowl-cut next to her played his guitar in tune, grin on his face as he watched her sing her heart out. Everyone loved it. So did you, smiling despite yourself. The infectious energy bouncing around the atmosphere was starting to seep into your bones, making its way into your adrenaline. You hadn’t even started drinking but you could feel your mood making its way into the highs of the night. It was a refreshing welcome after the stress from the past week.
Maybe just for tonight.
“We’ll be missing you Revel! Here’s a last one for you!” the girl shouted into the mic. The crowd exploded into cheers before the backtrack morphed into something a little slower paced with an almost R&B kind of beat. Her lush, smooth voice complimented the song.
“I’m up next! You should come with me backstage to meet my friends before we go on!” Sasha yelled to you, pointing to a door at the left corner of the room.
For whatever reason anxiety spiked within you. You bit your lip, hesitating.
There was no way you were gonna go through tonight sober.
“Sure, let me just get a drink first!” you shouted back. Sasha nodded before veering for the door.
You turned to head for the bar near the back. The only way you’d face anything head on. That same voice from earlier nagged in your head. The “prophetic” one that told you it knew how this always ended. You ignored it.
You stopped in front of the counter, the LEDs shining purple on your face. There were rows of glass bottles in various colors on the shelf from behind. You looked around, searching for the bartender. You groaned, realizing there wasn’t one here. Probably out somewhere serving drinks. Were they understaffed tonight? It was Wednesday.
You turned around, patience starting to wear off around the edges. Your eyes scanned the other side of the room where the tables were, gaze weaving through the crowd, expecting a server.
Instead you were met with familiar green eyes. The lights flashed on beat to the music, occasionally dropping the room in darkness, but you still caught his gaze trailing up and down your body as if recommitting to memory every inch of it.
Your heart dropped to your stomach. Cold shock washed over you as Eren sat just lengths away, legs casually spread, arm draped over the back of the sofa. A storm of emotions battled within your chest as you plaintively wondered if he felt the same dread at the revelation you were in the same room after two years. Two years without so much as a single conversation or text. Not like you ever wanted one anyway.
Even from across the room you could make out those features you’ve memorized so well despite the stretch of time between you two. The curve of his jaw, the slope of his nose emphasized under the red strobes. Dark strands fell loosely onto his face as if his messily tied back hair were an afterthought. He was slightly bigger than you remembered, muscles prominent under the shirt he was wearing. Same old key pendant around his neck. The one you gave him. Clearly he found something to do while you were gone.
You were actively ignoring his gaze yet you could still feel it burning holes into you. As long as he made no move to get up, you wouldn’t either.
His other arm was wrapped around another girl’s waist. Short, black hair, perfect figure. Her head was turned, talking to someone beside her, but you could just barely recognize who it was.
Mikasa, you realized.
If you didn’t already feel nauseous you definitely were now.
You swallowed, looking away as your ears started to ring. Suddenly it was all too much. You were furious and the wound had reopened, raw and fresh. You weren’t sure what you were expecting. With Paradis came your past, laughing right in your face. You left, pushing through the crowd, your drink all but forgotten.
“Damn me and my liquid courage,” you muttered under your breath, ignoring some of the cutting glares sent your way as you harshly bumped shoulders. You couldn’t care less.
You opened the door Sasha had pointed out earlier and stepped into a cramped hallway. Confused, you stood there for a second before realizing there was another door to your left labeled “Dressing Room.” You knocked and it swung open. Before you could even utter a word you were met with a tackle-hug from Sasha who squealed.
“You’re here!” she exclaimed giddily. You laughed, hugging her back.
“Woah, don’t kill the girl now Sasha,” a voice chuckled lowly.
You locked eyes with a boy who gave you a tilted smile in return. He had amber eyes, a vivid light brown you’ve never seen on anyone before. If you squinted there was the subtlest dusting of freckles across his nose. His mullet was a deeper shade than his irises. Slightly tousled, like he was dragged out of bed to be here. Even under the fluorescent lighting of the dressing room he looked beautiful. Frustratingly beautiful.
Sasha released her grip, stepped back and gave him a mocking frown. “Oh get out, Jean.”
So this was Jean.
You smiled at him too, your interest certainly piqued. Sasha was right. There was nothing to worry about.
“So, are you going to introduce Mystery Girl to us or what?” another voice asked. A boy, his hair cleanly buzzed. He had an eyebrow piercing and a devilish glint in his eyes. The same one in Sasha’s. He winked.
She rolled her eyes before pushing you a little to the two boys seated on the couch. You introduced yourself, simply stating your name and that you moved away from Paradis two years ago before coming back to finish the rest of your college degree here—neuroscience. Jean listened, never taking his eyes off you.
“If this is your hometown . . . how come I’ve never seen you before?” he asked, head tilted. It seemed he took a similar interest in you the way you have with him.
“I don’t know. Maybe you weren’t looking hard enough,” you surmised, tilting your head too. He smiled at that and your heart lurched.
Connie sighed as if upset, looking at you. “I definitely wasn’t.”
Sasha slapped his arm. “Guys. Seriously.”
Jean frowned. “I didn’t even say anything.”
Connie shot her a hurt look, pouting as he rubbed his forearm. “Ow . . .”
“Anyways, Jean is the guitarist and Connie’s on the drums,” she clarified. “So . . .”
Connie opened his mouth before she could finish. “Sasha, don’t tell me you trapped this poor girl here so she’d become our new manager?”
Your eyes widened. What?
Sasha choked on air. “What!? I wouldn’t do that! I just wanted to introduce you guys. She seemed like she’d fit right in. The others would like her too. But . . . she’s pretty, isn’t she? And she’s smart,” she said, playfully fluttering her fingers in front of your face as if to say “Ta-da!”
Connie stared at you, eyes far away as if thinking. “Well, actually that’s not a bad idea . . . especially considering all our other managers have been those money hungry corporate asses. We need someone local.”
Jean raised his brows as if impressed. “Wow, I’m shocked Sasha. That was actually smart.”
She scowled at him. “Don’t act so surprised!”
“But . . . that’s only if you accept, that is.”
You pursed your lips. This was all sprung on you so suddenly. You were just here to relieve stress and drink to your heart’s content. Now you were asked to be the manager of some band? You had enough on your plate as is with skating.
“You don’t have to accept right now. Just . . . think about it, okay?” Sasha asked, looking at you with something akin to hope. Did she really befriend you just to force you into helping them? But she did seem sincere . . .
A lady with short hair opened the door, popping her head in. “Scouts, you’re up.” They all nodded.
“If we play really good tonight, so much that it’ll blow your mind, will you say yes?” Connie asked, grin on his face as he reached for his drumsticks on the other side of the sofa.
You laughed, getting up with them. “Probably not.”
Sasha took your hand and squeezed it before walking towards the door. Connie nodded in acknowledgement as he trailed her.
You moved to leave before Jean brushed past you. “Get ready to change your mind,” he murmured in your ear, shoulders barely grazing.
“No promises,” you responded, smile on your lips as you followed suit.