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Yunjin never thought she’d hate ice cream. Sure it could get on her hands and fingers once it melted and make them all sticky, but that was far from something that warranted hatred. No, it was more of just a pesky thing, really. Just annoying above all else. No— hating ice cream was not on her agenda. Or gelato, I guess. If technicalities mattered.
And yet, here she was: over an hour into the group’s shoot for Gelato Pique, dressed in soft cotton pajamas with fuzzy slippers, while, ironically, being the farthest she could possibly get from being comfortable. It was that kind of discomfort that came from seeing something upsetting. The kind that was skin-deep and hard to shake off at a moment’s notice.
Kazuha and Chaewon were being all touchy-flirty; this wasn’t new.
But that was the problem. That it wasn’t new.
Chaewon has her forearm posed along Kazuha’s bare thigh. Their skin-on-skin display makes Yunjin feel like she needs to light herself on fire. Like she needs to smash a hole in the wall or do something like jump off a building. Not even to hurt herself, necessarily; just so that Kazuha will drop everything and come running to her. The pain would just be a bonus. Is that crazy? Of course it is. Yunjin has always known she is incapable of having reactions that are measured.
The camera shutter clicks and the pictures are taken, and somewhere in between, Kazuha and Chaewon start giggling; and somewhere in between Chaewon takes two of her fingers and makes a stripe on Kazuha’s thigh like she is drawing something that pertains to what they are joking about. And then Kazuha giggles even more, either because it tickles or just because she wants to, because it’s Chaewon , and Kazuha swears they have the same sense of humor and are just soooo alike and close and—
Yunjin needs some air.
She mutters something to their manager then stalks off through a door out into some hallway and keeps going until she breaches a corner that is empty.
She twists her fingers around a stair railing and squeezes hard, watching the way her blood flushes away and her skin turns white.
Why did they always have to be so touchy? Why did they have to be so close? Why was Kazuha always giggling like Chaewon said the funniest thing in the world that no one could ever replicate? It didn’t help that Chaewon was gorgeous , always cute even when she swore her face was puffy from having ramen too late the night before. And the fact that she pretended to play hard-to-get with her affection made her validation all the more gratifying. Like getting a compliment from someone who’s nice to you every day vs. getting a compliment from someone who’s never nice at all. Yunjin knew she had set herself up for failure from the very beginning, what with her taking initiative all those years ago and befriending Kazuha without a second thought. But was it really so naive for her to think their bond would have upheld itself this whole time, and would even be stronger by now? Had she been a fool for assuming they would still remain the closest? All the members were close to each other, in all kinds of different ways, but Yunjin had always thought what she and Kazuha had was special.
Soulmates , she had described them as, in one of their first solo interviews. Because they both liked rice and bread. Liked cake over brownies. They both knew what it was like to live overseas, far from home, where you worked hard for your dream all day and went to bed without your family there.
Yunjin had said it, time and time again, how she knew there would come a day where the stage lights would turn off for them and never turn on again. And after that, they would go their separate ways. They would exist as five girls who shared dreams and shows and fansigns and photoshoots, all those years and all that time; all those memories condensed into five individual women, who would go on with their lives. Do ordinary things, like Yunjin, who said she wanted to go back to school and maybe study English and Art. Or do greater things, like Eunchae, who dreamed of always being a star and would maybe continue performing or something of the like.
Yunjin always thought Kazuha would go back to ballet. Not professionally, not quite. Not to perform. To teach, maybe. Or maybe she’d open up her own ballet-themed cafe. The younger girl adored cafes, after all. And again—Yunjin loved all her members. These girls were her family. But when she thought about them disbanding, Kazuha was the only one who she could see still being there.
She could see them in New York. Yunjin in school and Kazuha teaching ballet. Yunjin picking up a croissant after class and having the first few bites so Kazuha could get to have favorite part in the middle by the time Yunjin got home. Kazuha making dinner that Yunjin pretended to like even if it wasn’t that great and then they tug their closest slippers on and weave through the streets until they find the closest pizza stand and have three giant slices each because they’re starving and late night food is the best. Kazuha tugging on Yunjin’s coat while they walked back and practically tucking herself into Yunjin’s side because the younger girl was terrible with the cold, and Yunjin was used to it. Them crowding into the entrance of their apartment and talking about which movie they should watch before bed. Kazuha doing that thing where she was going to fall asleep in five minutes but refused to say so, because even if she was tired, she still wanted to watch something with Yunjin.
Yunjin blinks, bringing herself out of her daydream. Her fingers are still gripping the railing. Her face is still somber.
These are the places her mind goes to. She wishes she could say it happens when she’s bored, but really it happens all the time. Just before a concert. In the middle of a variety show. While she’s filming content. When she’s writing. They’re not just about Kazuha. Yunjin had a tendency to conjure up ‘what-ifs’ about any and everything that surrounded her. It was just that the one with her and Kazuha in New York seemed to be the most prevalent these days.
Maybe it had to do with the fact that, in moments like these, it seemed less and less plausible.
Maybe it wasn’t even something she truly wanted, but rather that stubborn feeling of not wanting to admit you were wrong about something. Maybe it was something that was never going to happen, in the end, but letting it go meant she was giving up on it. And Yunjin had never been a quitter.
But still—she gets tired.
With a sigh, she decides to head back to the shoot. She plays civil the rest of the time, even when she’s handed a cone of ice cream and it drips to the floor and she has to apologize and clean it up.
Was she going to hate ice cream forever now? Was it going to be one of those things where, whenever she saw it, all she’d be able to see or remember was the day Kazuha and Chaewon had been all touchy, all up in Yunjin’s face?
The same day something inside Yunjin had snapped. The same day she had run out, and nobody had come looking for her.
–
Later, in the car, while Chaewon is still talking to their manager outside, Eunchae puts her phone down.
“Unnie,” she says to Yunjin. She tugs on the older girl’s sleeve like a puppy asking politely for attention. “Why were you upset today?”
Yunjin debates whether or not she should play dumb.
“What do you mean?” It’s useless. She’s always been obvious.
“Kkura-unnie and I noticed, at the shoot.” Eunchae humors her anyway. “We wanted to give you space, in case you needed it. But I’m sorry, I feel like we should’ve asked. Do you wanna talk about it?”
Yunjin hates that she’s stuck on it; on the fact that the very notion of her outburst being noticed by two of her members have her desperately wondering if Kazuha had noticed too. It’s all she can think about.
She shakes her head in response to Eunchae. “I’ll be fine,” she scratches the top of Eunchae’s head cutely. “But thank you.”
Eunchae nods once, compliant, and leans back into her seat.
“Remember you don’t have to hide from us, okay?” She says as she pulls out her phone. “And Unnie?”
“Hm?”
A slight pause.
“I would be hurt, too.”
–
The period of time between a comeback announcement and then the actual comeback was always brutal. Their days were filled with gruelling practices, countless promotions, and very limited free time, if any at all.
Yunjin laid sprawled out on the floor of their practice room, the shiny hardwood cushioning her like a gigantic marble.
The lights buzz above her like a hospital kind, like at any moment they could split open and rain down on her, leaving her cut open and in the dark.
She’s still breathing heavy, her heart hammering in her chest and her skin all clammy with sweat and satisfaction. Her stomach feels like it’s about to growl, that tightly pulled sensation like there are two tectonic plates that are about to rub.
“Yunjin-ah,” Sakura says. “Are you hungry? Eunchae’s going down to the cafeteria. Chaewon and Kazuha are going to the chicken place down the street.”
“I know.” Yunjin responds.
She doesn’t move.
Just when she thinks Sakura might have crept out of the room to leave her alone, the older girl takes a silent seat just beside Yunjin, letting her legs fold under her and waiting patiently.
Yunjin lets the silence linger a little more before speaking.
“I showed that place to Zuha.” She admits. “It used to be my favorite.”
Before she started going without me. Before she started showing it to somebody else.
Yunjin hates that she’s painting it like a competition. Like a war of sorts, when they’re all friends . When it should be no problem for her friend to be showing a cool place to their other friend . Friends friends friends; friendship was great! Friendship was about sharing cool places and having fun! So then why did her heart feel so fucking heavy about—
“Maybe it’s not her favorite place.” Sakura keeps her words vague, but Yunjin knows it is intentional. If anyone came close to understanding Yunjin’s mind or speaking in a language that Yunjin could receive and find the hidden meaning in, it was Sakura. She was witty enough. Subtle enough. Cryptic yet smart enough.
She was trying to say Maybe her actions don’t hold as much intention as yours do. Maybe Kazuha isn’t having dinner with Chaewon there because she is trying to ease them into the first step of a great big love story that’s going to have lots of little quirks and secrets and moments of tenderness that make up the narrative. Maybe it’s just that: dinner. Maybe it’s always been just that, between them.
Yunjin’s breath is still shallow.
She wishes she could believe her.
–
It’d have been too easy, Yunjin thinks—and life was hardly ever that way—if things had gone the way Sakura’s words had implied for them to be.
But the days pass, and so do their practices, and so do their promotions, and Yunjin finds herself watching Chaewon and Kazuha go out to eat or have a quick snack or really just do anything , spending time with each other, left and right like they can’t bear to not be doing that.
It’s not even that Kazuha is necessarily the instigator, all the time (or really at all), but Chaewon spontaneously—and frankly, quite unceremoniously—says she wants something sweet, or something spicy, or something greasy; and Kazuha has never been someone who can just say no , and so she ends up getting dragged out the door and into it. Though, with the smile on her face, it doesn’t seem like she minds at all.
And Yunjin should be happy . Should be cool with it and acting like it’s whatever, because it is whatever. Because it always has been and always should be, but she can’t . God she just can’t . Be. Normal. She can’t even act like it, and it drives her up the fucking wall.
“Unnie!” Kazuha comes back from going out one evening, huddling near the kitchen of their dorm and placing a small container with lemon cake on their countertop.
Yunjin has been holed up in her room for hours, but can’t bring herself to ignore Kazuha’s excited cry. She goes out.
“I brought you this, from the bakery you like.” Kazuha grins. “They didn’t have the fig one, but I remember lemon was your second favorite.”
For the first time, the first thing Yunjin feels is disappointed, and not fond.
She doesn’t like the lemon cake there. She hasn’t liked it for months.
“Thanks.” She says curtly. “But I’m not hungry. You can have it.” She’s being childish, and she knows it. For a second she is back in high school; a teenager again, where the first thing she wants to do is hurt the other person too.
Kazuha almost flinches. “Oh..” She frowns. “Really?” Yunjin never refused a treat. Even if she wasn’t hungry she would always eat it.
“Yep.” Yunjin concurs, before turning on her heel and heading back to her room.
Kazuha almost stumbles at how quickly the conversation seems to be over.
“Wait!” She chases after the older girl. “Unnie, I-” She falters for a moment.
Yunjin pauses, looking at her expectantly. “Yeah?”
“I just…” Kazuha swallows a lump, suddenly feeling strangely nervous. “I thought it’d help you feel better. Kkura-unnie and Eunchae mentioned how you’ve seemed upset the last few weeks.”
Yunjin hates how her instinct tells her to be bitter. How the first thing she wants to say is: “So that’s the only reason you noticed? Because Kkura-unnie and Eunchae told you?”
She hates that it makes her want to cry. That it makes her want to yell and scream. That it feels like all the days spent locked in her own head feel like they weren’t her being crazy but rather her being right. Her preparing herself for the inevitability of this moment and how it was going to crush her.
Kazuha keeps going. “Chaewon-unnie and I were at the bakery, and I-”
Yunjin snaps.
“I already told you I don’t want it.” She says, her voice clipped. “Just eat it yourself or give it to Chaewon or something, I don’t care.” She steps into her room and shuts the door without even looking up. “Goodnight, Kazuha.”
This time, Kazuha does flinch.
Yunjin hasn’t called her ‘Kazuha’ since last year.
–
“Yunjin-ah,” Chaewon’s voice is whiny in the taller girl’s ear, as Chaewon throws her arms around Yunjin’s neck and presses her cheek into the side of Yunjin’s face, pouting. “Come out and drink with me. It’s been so long.”
She’s right. Yunjin hasn’t gone out with them—with any of them—in weeks. The last time someone had sent something in the group chat about getting dinner together, Yunjin had responded back that she was going to skip out. But that time had turned into one more, and then another. And now, they hardly seemed to see her outside of obligatory things like dance practices.
“I can’t tonight.” Yunjin responds. “Working on a new song.” It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth either. But Yunjin couldn’t exactly say that the real reason was because she was too busy being angry and upset all the time these days, at the world and at the people around her when they did nothing wrong, but she just had nowhere to place her negative emotions so she was just misplacing it all and making it completely unfair, all while knowing she was being unfair, subsequently making her resent herself, which only fed into the cycle of wanting to pull away even further—
“Noooo,” Chaewon, luckily, butts in before Yunjin can fully spiral. She spends another second or so pouting. “Fine…” She grumbles. “Maybe I can see if Zuha-ya wants to go.”
Yunjin bites her tongue.
“Good idea.” She forces instead. “I’m sure she’ll say yes.”
Chaewon is up and out the door in less than fifteen minutes.
–
“Okay okay, I have one.” Kazuha giggles, her cheeks flushed slightly pink from the shots of soju she’s had. “If you had to kiss one of our members, who would it be?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” Chaewon downs another shot. “Kkura-unnie.”
“Eh?!” Kazuha’s eyebrows shoot up, and she laughs in surprise. “Really?” She wasn’t sure what she was expecting. Maybe Eunchae, as a joke and for the shock factor. Kazuha would have been named just to tease. Yunjin seemed like the most plausible answer, even if the thought of it did make something twist unpleasantly in Kazuha’s stomach.
“Have you seen her?” Chaewon plows on, relentless. “Her abs now that she’s been going to the gym? And her waist , ohmygod.” Sakura seemed like the type to make out with Chaewon and be unbothered for the rest of her life, and that did wonders in making Chaewon’s sense of thrill skyrocket. She loved a good push and pull.
Kazuha can only surrender to her fit of giggles, her stomach nearly cramping.
“Okay, your turn. Truth or dare?” Chaewon asks.
“Hmm,” Kazuha thinks. “Dare!”
“I dare you to call the last person in your call history and say you just wanted to wish them a good night.” Chaewon says. “And make your voice all romantic.”
Kazuha pulls out her phone, working more on muscle memory than anything else, given she’s well past the tipsy stage. She doesn’t even know if she’s tapped the correct contact until it stops ringing and they pick up.
“Hello?”
Yunjin.
“Yunjin-unnie,” Kazuha breathes out, trying to stifle her giggles when she catches Chaewon laughing out of the corner of her eye.
“Zuha-ya?” Yunjin sounds groggy. “Is everything okay? Why are you calling? I thought you were out with Chaewon.”
“I am.” Kazuha responds. “I just… I wanted to call to wish you goodnight.”
Yunjin is silent on the other end.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” She says.
“Mhm,” Kazuha is close to breaking. “Perfectly fine. Just… have sweet dreams, okay? And…” Chaewon is waving at her, mouthing for her to say something, though Kazuha can’t quite make sense of it at first.
Until it clicks.
“And I love you.” She adds, unable to stop the way she sort of cracks up on the last syllable, her giggling pouring out.
Yunjin can only listen as she and Chaewon laugh together on the other line.
“I’m-” Kazuha fights off the smile on her face to try and form coherent words. “I’m sorry, unnie. It was a prank. A prank? No, a dare! Chaewon-unnie and I are playing.”
“I figured.” Yunjin replies. “Don’t worry. I know you’d never say you love me unless you were being forced. Goodnight.”
Yunjin hangs up.
Kazuha feels like she’s been hit with a taser right on her face.
Yunjin’s words linger in her head, going in circles and circles and circles.
Something about the way Yunjin said them made Kazuha’s stomach turn. The older girl sounded so sure, so defeated. She’d never heard Yunjin sound like that, except for last year when she was under fire for drinking coffee, because apparently she was supposed to be out solving the world’s systemic injustices instead.
I know you’d never say you love me unless you were being forced.
Kazuha can’t shake the feeling for the rest of the night. She doesn’t drink any more, but she feels like it wouldn’t have mattered even if she did. Yunjin’s words were enough to sober her right back up.
–
An hour and a half later, Kazuha and Chaewon have called it a night and the older girl has gone to bed in her solo dorm.
Yunjin wakes up to a clumsy knock on her bedroom door.
She gets up, rubbing sleep from her eyes and twisting the door open.
“Zuha?” She asks.
The younger girl sniffles like she’s been crying.
“Why do you hate me?” And oh . She has been crying. Yunjin can tell right away by her voice.
“Zuha-ya…” She sighs. “You’re drunk.”
Kazuha shakes her head. “I’m only tipsy, and just barely. Please, Unnie. What did I do?” Her face is pleading.
“Go to bed, Zuha. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” Yunjin tries to shut the door.
Kazuha stops it with her hand. “No.” She’s only ever assertive when she’s been upset for too long. “I wanna talk about it now.” She pushes her way into the older girl’s room.
Yunjin sighs, shutting the door behind her. Kazuha stares at the little jellyfish lamp on Yunjin’s shelf, watching the colorful creatures float round and around.
“It’s cute.” Kazuha comments, pointing lazily. “Chaewon-unnie did a good job.”
Yunjin feels like she can’t take it anymore.
“Is that what you came in here for?” She bites out. “Woke me up just so you could talk about Chaewon all night?” Her voice cracks; the way it always does when she is holding back tears.
Kazuha notices. Of course she notices.
“Unnie,” she begs. Her eyes are this dark, shiny color, and this is the real Kazuha. The Kazuha that Yunjin had felt like only she knew. “What’s wrong?”
Yunjin finally breaks.
Like really, really breaks.
The tears pour out before she can think to stop them.
I don’t wanna be a second option to you. An afterthought. I don’t like to look at you, because I’m scared I’ll see you looking at someone else. I’m not jealous, Kazuha. Not mainly. I’m hurt. You went out tonight and I became the butt of your joke. You treat everyone like they’re a better choice than me and you make me feel like I’m this crazy person who was reading into things too much the entire time. You used to be so sweet to me when the cameras were off, but now I feel like the only times you smile at me or even think about spending time with me is when we’re filming content. And even then, it’s restrained. You hate physical touch but are perfectly fine when Chaewon or anyone else does it. But as soon as it’s me, I feel like you’re pulling away. Why is that? Why did you let me be so close at the beginning and then slowly pushed me away? Why do I feel like you only love me on a good day? Like I’m only funny to you sometimes? Like I’m only beautiful to you when you’re in a good mood? What’s wrong with me?
All the thoughts that swarm through Yunjin’s head that she doesn’t say. She doesn’t realize she has crumpled to the floor until she stops sobbing enough to blink through her tears and feel the carpet on her thighs. Feel Kazuha’s arms wrapped around her tight, holding her.
Yunjin, who had never been able to not feel in extremes. And Kazuha, who had never been able to feel in a way that was adequate in keeping up with Yunjin. Kazuha, who ran far and fast from confrontation. Who’d do everything to not have to deal with all the difficult things and feelings. Maybe that was why she and Chaewon seemed so tight-knit, Yunjin thought. Chaewon didn’t openly talk about her feelings, and neither did Kazuha; maybe, for this reason, their relationship was so light-hearted and easy. Maybe Yunjin added too much depth that it was suffocating. Maybe Yunjin was just too much in general. Too complicated.
Yunjin, who feels too much and shows it. Kazuha, who feels too little and doesn’t show it. How were they ever going to see eye to eye? And yet—
They could never stay away from each other.
Yunjin doesn’t stop crying.
“Why did it take you so long to ask?”
Weeks. It had been weeks since that day at the photoshoot. Kazuha knew Yunjin was one to have her thoughts start eating her alive, and yet she had waited.
And waited, and waited.
Kazuha doesn’t have an answer. All she can do is sit there. The jellyfish keep going round and around, steady as Kazuha’s promise that she will not move, and as repetitive as their cycle where they would keep hurting themselves and each other.