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Oh, yeah. It was the easiest thing in the world, having to say goodbye. Ending things. Sure.
It doesn’t seem like you’re all that torn up about it. You seem just fine. New friends. New family.
How could you possibly say you know I don’t care, when that’s all I’ve ever done? All I ever did and all I’ve ever still done, even now, is care.
What you don’t see is how much I miss you every. Single. Day. I see something that I instinctively think of you and want to show you but I can’t. Or if I have a bad day I want to tell you about it and I can’t.
What you don’t see is how many things I don’t do anymore because it hurts. How many things I don’t even watch or listen to anymore because it HURTS.
You don’t know how much I’ve been struggling. How much I miss you. How much it just fucking hurts.
Hate you? How could you possibly think I hate you? It would be so much easier if I did, so then this wouldn’t hurt so much.
Am I being selfish? Toxic? God, am I being unreasonable right now? Is this all my fault?
Jisung sighs, stretching his shoulders and rolling his neck to try and relieve the pressure built up in his neck from sitting at his laptop for so long. He stares at the screen, vision blurry before he realizes. Oh . He’s crying again.
His therapist told him that writing out his thoughts and feelings about everything would be helpful, but honestly, it just hurt. Maybe someday in the future it would fall into place and Jisung would have that Ah Ha moment where it all makes sense, but right now he was just sad. Hurt. Lonely. It had been months since his falling out with Soobin, he should be over this by now. Jisung has lurked his twitter countless times and Soobin seems to be carrying on just fine without him, new friends and even a new relationship it seems, so why can’t he? He sniffles, angrily wiping his eyes with the heels on his palms before forcing himself to get out of his chair and stand up right. His back cracks in response, causing a small smirk to form on his lips.
Shrimpin again .
But as soon as the thought came to mind, it left, and the pain of the memory wasn’t going anywhere.
Even in small, lame little things like cracking his back, he was met with the absence of Soobin.
Yes, Jisung had been the one who finally ended all the fighting and left, and yes Jisung was the one who had blocked the other on everything. He could just as easily unblock all the accounts and unblock his heart, but then what?
It’s not like Jisung could even guarantee that Soobin would even want to talk to him. And even if they talk, what would he even say?
Hey there. Sorry, I miss you, but I also cannot come back fully because the hurt is too much and even though I can’t breathe without you I can’t breathe when I’m with you either?
Yeah. Like that would go over well. It would probably cause another inevitable fight and then they’re right back where they are currently, sad alone and full of what ifs.
As if somehow cued like a script, his phone goes off. His heart leaps into his throat, for a split second wondering, hoping, it’s Soobin. Pulling his phone out of his pocket with a shakey hand, he sighs. Half relieved, but can’t hide that he’s also ever so slightly disappointed, he reads Felix’s name on his screen.
“Hey,” Jisung starts, voice trailing off already.
If Felix notices, he doesn’t say anything.
“Sung! I feel like my spider sense was going off and I needed to check in on you. What chya up to?”
Jisung chews the inside of his cheek for a moment, trying to think of how to approach this. He could lie, but Felix knows him well enough by now that he would simply call him out and drag this out further. So he sighs, and chooses honesty.
“Honestly, you caught me in the middle of my feels, Lix.”
“I figured as much, what’s going on?”
Jisung gulps. He hasn’t actually said his feelings out loud in months. Suddenly, the idea of speaking is terrifying. It makes it real .
“I-I, I miss him. And I miss all the good things and the good times. Because there were good times, honestly we had good times! And I wish that me existing was enough. But there was always this … I don’t even know. Something that I could never be. I tried so hard, all the time. I really did. I thought if I gave him whatever he wanted, that it would be enough. I thought if I was kind and understanding that he would also be kind and understanding but I feel like I was constantly compared and never enough. Why wasn’t I enough? As I am? Why is there that bar that I just can’t ever reach? No matter what I did or said there was always something I could do better. Stay up later or give more time.”
He was word vomiting now, he knew it. He could hear it, as embarrassing as it was but he just couldn’t shut it off.
“If I tried to explain my emotions, it was a fight. I want to at least write to him and explain that I don’t hate him. I just hate how it got so toxic and unsafe but that’s not even a possibility because talking to him I know I’ll cave and just apologize and try to fix things but I didn’t fuck anything up! I’m not perfect but holy shit I tried . I tried every day and every minute we spent together trying to be the best friend, the rock, the safe space. But I still wasn’t enough and even when I was around, I knew I was being pushed out but I was hopeful that I was just delusional. That I was over thinking things. But for gods sake, I had to wait for them to wrap things up with everyone else before I even got a minute alone with him, and when he was finally around, it was half assed. He was still talking to others and I was okay with it at first. I was. But the fact that he could do that to me and I couldn’t hang out with anyone without it being a fight was tiring. Bringing it up caused a fight.”
He sniffles, unaware that he’s crying, again.
“But I feel like I would take every single thing back in a second if I could. If there was some way I knew without a shadow of a doubt that things would be fixed. But I don’t think they can. There’s been so much damage and so much time. But it’s like, there also hasn’t been any time at all because he’s every where. Every time I see something I think he’d like, I instinctively want to send it to him but I can’t. And that hurts so fucking bad. I want to reach out and explain I’m hurt and I don’t hate him. I couldn’t ever hate him, I hate how it all went down. But I can’t.”
Jisung inhaled, the sudden oxygen in his lungs making him realize he hadn’t taken a breath in a while, his chest heavy and hurting.
Felix was quiet, and Jisung didn’t know if that was to give him time to continue or time for himself to process the word vomit, but he took the silence to catch his breath. His heart raced, the pounding of his heart in his ears as he tried to count as he inhaled but he couldn’t focus. His eyesight went blurry again, and if not for the soft breathing he could hear on the other side he would’ve thought Felix hung up. Jisung brought his legs up to his chest, cuddling himself in a hug in hopes of helping ground himself.
“I’m really, really sorry, Jisung. I’m sorry you went through what you went through and I’m sorry it’s still taking its toll on you, even now. I really didn’t know it had gotten this bad.”
Jisung’s mouth felt dry, he couldn’t respond. He wished Felix could see him shrug, at least acknowledge that he spoke, but he couldn't.
So he sat there, still trying to regulate his breathing, hopeful that Felix would say something that magically fixed his broken heart.
The silence was becoming slightly uncomfortable, Jisung still unable to speak, to even move . Legs still being hugged to his chest, he shifted slightly on his bed, squishing the phone to his ear once more as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
“It can’t go back to how it was.” Jisung finally said, voice so soft and shaky he almost didn’t recognize it as his own.
“I know he would want us to get back to how we were and I just can’t, but I also just can’t seem to move forward either. He’s everywhere, Lix. Every time I want to reach out, I just see how happy he is and I feel like I’ve already been replaced. He’s happy with other friends and I’m stuck here. I’m trying to go out and do things but I feel like I’m constantly pulled back to him somehow. And it just hurts. ”
Jisung lets his forehead rest in the tops of his knees, phone falling to the floor, but he doesn’t have the strength in him to pick it back up. Instead, he puts the call on speaker, hearing soft clanking sounds from the other end of the line, but far too tired to ask about it.
Finally, it’s Felix who breaks the silence.
“Sorry, making food.”
Jisung forced a small smile that can’t be seen, eyes still closed as his forehead is pressed to his knees in an awkward hug to himself.
“I wish I had an answer for you, Sung. I do. And I’m really sorry. You know I’m here if you need me, yeah? You can actually call me,” Felix says, and Jisung inhales again.
When was the last time Jisung called Felix first? When was the last time Jisung called anyone?
He couldn't remember.
I know , Jisung wants to say. I know I can but also I’m terrified I’m just stuck in place and I’m annoying and so easily replaceable and actually a horrible friend and that everyone’s going to leave.
“Crap, sorry Sungie, it’s my mom calling. I promise I’ll call back in a bit okay? I love you!”
Jisung nods once before remembering, again, he can’t be seen.
“No worries, I love you too. Talk to you later.”
There’s a quick ‘bye’, and Jisung is met once again with the silence of his bedroom.
He shouldn’t do it. He knows he shouldn’t.
But he can’t help himself.
He musters up the strength to straighten his back, allowing his knees to fall cross-cross on his bed as his grabs his phone again.
It’s not stalking if I’m simply checking on him to make sure he’s okay.
Even Jisung knows that’s just pathetic, but he is pathetic. He’s been a pathetic human being the last few months now, so it seems.
He opens up the all too familiar app and of course, Soobin is there at the top. Blocked, but a simple click and Jisung can still see posts.
Instant regret hits Jisung like a bag of bricks.
Soobin happily posts about his new relationship. At all different hours of the night, telling Jisung the poor guy still hasn’t fixed his sleep schedule.
But he really does seem happy, and that makes Jisung happy.
Right?
But the slight stinging in his chest is screaming at him to the point he has to close out of the app.
This is incredibly stupid. Soobin has moved on. He was friends with this guy when Jisung was still around, so it only makes sense they’re together now. And so happy.
“It’s so easy with him .’Jisung could hear Soobin's voice in his head.
Because it wasn’t so easy with Jisung. That's what he was insinuating, right?
He sighs, already moving his thumbs to close out of this stupid app and hope to forget this whole stupid idea, when he sees something he almost truly forgot about. He freezes, staring at the link attached in his bio and clicks it before he can talk himself out it.
And he can’t breathe.
So many messages.
From Soobin.
Soobin.
Soobin reached out to him.
But the mixed emotions of excitement and anxiety hit Jisung so hard and so fast, he’s suddenly nauseous.
His big boba eyes scan over every word, his heart sinking lower and lower.
Soobin misses him. And god Jisung didn’t realize how badly he wanted to hear that. That his absence did in fact make some sort of difference. Not in a bad way, but it seemed that Soobin was so unbothered and carefree when Jisung left. That he was so easy to move on from. Was that toxic? Was Jisung thinking that way problematic?
Probably.
Jisung always felt like things were his fault and he was the problem, so that made sense.
His thoughts were trailing off, forcing his eyes to refocus on every word.
That’s when he saw it. In the next comment.
Soobin feeling replaced.
Jisung snorted, thinking that had to be some kind of joke. Soobin felt replaced? How on earth could Soobin feel replaced when he was the one already replacing Jisung and pushing him away when they were still friends? Still together?
But there it was, typed right in front of him.
And then it hit him. That sick, dark voice once again in the back of Jisung’s mind.
He doesn’t care, he’s just upset thinking you’ve moved on. He’s been fine up until now, you’ve seen it yourself. Nothing but happy posts. But now that he thinks you have a new friend, now he’s upset.
It made sense. And Jisung hated that it made sense.
Once again, he’s stuck sitting in his feelings and talking to himself about himself and his feelings and how down right cruel his brain can be.
Not true. I’m making shit up again. I’m looking for problems.
But he’s still glancing at the comments, and Soobin is clearly upset over feeling replaced and Jisung just can’t anymore.
It’s his own fault. He wasn’t a good enough friend when he was around. He is the one who keeps lurking pages and hurting his own feelings. He’s the one who left.
But god this still sucks.
Closing out of apps, thumbs racing to get the images off the screen, Jisung finally gets everything cleared out. He then turns off his phone and tosses it on the floor. He should be more careful, he knows phones aren’t cheap and he definitely can’t afford a new one, but he needs space.
He flops over on his side, pulling his legs back up to his chest. Sobs rip out of his chest, vision so blurry he can’t even make out the art on his walls anymore. He doesn’t want to look at his night stand, knowing in the top drawer are letters and bracelets for Soobin. He’s confident that if he looked around his room he could find Soobin in every corner.
Maybe he should box them all up.
Every letter. Every bracelet. Every stupid crochet item Jisung ever tried to make him. Every letter and picture that Soobin made him. Because of course he still had those, too.
And he knows deep down he couldn’t ever get rid of them. A box in the closet, maybe.
But toss them forever? Never.
Again, the feeling of sadness and heart break suffocates Jisung, who can only lay in bed and accept it.
It's what he deserves after all, isn't it? Jisung is ultimately the one who left first. Even after promising and promising he would never leave, he did.
His brain circles back to the same thoughts he has had everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day.
He couldn't take it anymore, the fighting. The stress from work, and life, and family and Soobin was the one person who always made Jisung feel better.
Until he didn't.
Until they fought more and more over the dumbest things and it seemed to drive a wedge.
Doesn't matter how you look at it, Jisung left. Soobin didn't seem upset about him leaving, all but encouraged, but it was Jisung who left first.
What if I just reach out?
What if I just replied?
But what would I even say?
Does he even really want to hear from me?
It’s not like we could fix shit. We can’t go back to what we had. I wasn’t enough. I constantly messed things up. I’m still messing things up.
Is he really only reaching out now because he’s upset he thinks I’ve moved on?
Should I just move on?
How do I even do that?
He doesn’t know what to do. Is he just being dramatic? He’s done that before, too. Blown things out of proportion. But after god only knows how long he has been laying there crying, his body is exhausted. He truly doesn’t have the strength to even roll over, much less get his phone. For a brief moment, he wonders if Felix has tried to call him back, or if Felix will just show up if he doesn’t hear back from Jisung soon enough.
That thought brings a ghost of a smile to his lips, and he allows his tired body to try and rest for a while. He hopes that will fix it all. Fix him . But he knows that won’t happen. He hopes anyway, as he finally drifts off to sleep.