Chapter Text
“Scummy Mammon! Stupid Satan!”
Leviathan stormed up the stairs towards his room. How dare they!
He reached his room and slammed the door shut behind him. With a frustrated huff, Levi plopped into his gamer chair and glared at the ceiling. Mammon pissing him off was nothing new. In fact, Levi’s most recent argument with his scummy older brother had been the classic scenario where Mammon has yet to pay back the grimm he owed Levi.
Again, nothing new. It was annoying, but it wasn’t what had sent Levi into a temper tantrum. It was what had followed. After Mammon fled from Levi’s sight with a half-ass promise to pay him back soon, Levi had made his way down to the living room, excited to watch a rerun of one of his favorite movies; Ruri-chan!: Magical Girls and Trench Warfare?! that he had set the TV to record last night. Mammon was annoying, but Levi wasn’t going to let the jerk ruin his Ruri-chan time!
However,－
“What do you mean you recorded your show over Ruri-chan!: Magical Girls and Trench Warfare?! !”
“Sorry Levi,” drawled Satan, barely looking away from the TV. “It was airing at the same time as the newest movie in the Homes and Watterson series. I thought it wouldn’t be too big of a deal since it was a rerun.”
“N-not a big deal!?” Levi sputtered. “Even if it's a rerun it barely airs anymore and all the pirating sites I went to only have it in 360p and I will no t disgrace Ruri-chan with such low quality!”
Satan looked increasingly annoyed as he struggled to follow Homes’s deductions over Levi’s yelling. “Damn, I said I was sorry. If you want to be mad, be mad at Lucifer. I don’t even know why we still have cable. If he wasn’t such an old man, maybe we could have Devilflix or something. Or at least a TV recorder that can record more than one thing at a time.”
What a brat!
So Levi was pissed at both Mammon and Satan now. He needed to get them both back somehow.
Levi scooched his chair next to his emotional support goldfish. “What do you think, Henry?”
Henry let out a stream of bubbles.
Levi winced and shook his head in response. “No, no. I can’t dice them up and feed them to you. Lucifer would get mad.”
Henry let out two bubbles spaced a beat apart.
“Henry you’re a genius! Why have I never thought of using one of Satan’s old baby pictures to embarrass him!”
Henry swam in a small circle.
Levi gasped. “I forgot all about that incident! Yes, that photo will be perfect to embarrass Satan and Mammon! Two birds with one stone!”
The demon ran out of the room and reappeared several minutes later with a large stack of photo albums balanced in his arms. He set them down on the floor and started flipping through them until he found what he was looking for. Levi let out his (super cool) evil villain laugh as he pointed his phone’s camera at a certain photo.
“Yes… this is perfect. Better than I remember. They will both rue the day they decided to cross Leviathan!”
“And next you’re going to want to apply the blush like so- OMG thank you for the donation, Simeon.h1ps.Luverrr27!”
Asmodeus put down his blush palette as he beamed at the camera. He had recently started streaming makeup tutorials on TWitches, and boy, was he popular. Asmo hummed as he scrolled through the livestream chat to see what he had missed while occupied with his blush application. There was nothing worth noting other than the usual praises for Asmo’s beauty, until some familiar names caught his eye. Asmodeus read it out loud.
“‘ Did you see Lord Leviathan’s new Devilgram post? I’m not sure I can ever look at Lord Mammon and Lord Satan the same way ever again lol.’ No I have not, but now I’ve gotta see. What could Levi have posted that would change their whole reputation?”
Asmo switched on screensharing with his livestream and made his way over to his brother’s Devilgram page. Nothing could have prepared him for the photo he was greeted with.
“BWAHAHAHAAH OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!” Asmo shrieked as he almost fell out of his chair from laughing. “No way! I forgot all about this photo, OMG!”
The chat went nuts as Asmo struggled to breath through his laughter.
Right smack in the middle of Asmo’s computer screen was possibly one of the most embarrassing pictures ever taken of Mammon and Satan. It was a very, very old photo, taken before DDDs existed. The photo dated back from when Satan was still a baby, and Mammon had been the little hellspawn’s primary caretaker. In the photo, Mammon, shirtless, was cradling baby Satan wrapped in a blanket. It would have been wholesome, if it weren’t for the fact that the photo seemed to have been snapped mid-disaster. Baby Satan appeared to be biting Mammon’s left nipple, and the second-born in question looked like he was desperately trying to unlatch baby Satan from his nipple (as evidenced by the slight motion blur present. Not to mention Mammon’s nipple being comically stretched between Satan’s teeth and his chest). Mammon's face was a mixture of surprise and horror, his mouth open mid-shriek. Asmo swore he could see little tears of pain in the corner of his eyes.
It was hilarious .
Asmo was wheezing now, trying to get his breathing under control. “Oh my goodness- wheeze . I forgot all about this! I remember running downstairs to see what Mammon was shrieking about and seeing this-” Asmo dissolved into another fit of laughter.
It took Asmo a good minute to calm down enough to speak coherently. “Ah~” he wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m so glad Levi posted that. I haven’t laughed that hard in years.” He glanced at his chat. Most were laughing along with him, or expressing their disbelief of seeing two of some of the most powerful demons in the Devildom reduced to such a comical photo. There were however, an oddly large number of viewers commenting on how cute the photo was.
Asmo’s eyes softened at the remark. It brought forth a wave of nostalgia as Asmo gazed at the photo. “As much as I hate to say it, I have to agree with you all there. As funny as the photo is, it is kinda cute. Mammon really cared for that kid. Almost like a mother .”
The comment section went crazy with the word “mother”. A good chunk of the comments now seemed to be some kind of variation of “ I never realized the avatar of greed was good with children” or “ Baby fever activated ” or even, “I wish that were me suckling on Mommy Mammon’s milkers ”.
One comment caught Asmo’s eye. “‘ Do you have any more photos of Mammon being a MILF?’ Goodness, you guys are a bunch of perverts. Freud would have a field day with these comments.” Asmo grinned a wicked, wicked smile as an idea came to him. Mammon had broken into his room and stolen some of his limited edition eyeliner a couple of days ago and Asmo had yet to take his revenge.
And now the perfect revenge was sitting right in front of him. Asmo felt a little bad for Satan, but some collateral damage was inevitable when it came to feuds between the Seven Demon Lords.
Besides, this might as well be some free promotion for Mammon! They can’t get too mad if this gives Mammon some more fans for his modeling gigs. He assured himself.
Right?
“But yes, if you perverts really want to see some more old pictures of Mother Mammon, I might be able to find some.”
The TWitches comment section exploded with an even greater ferocity as his viewer count soared.
Sorry Satan, but Mammon had it coming. At least you’re a really cute baby.
Lucifer was exhausted.
It had been a long day of dealing with irritating demon nobles, incompetent advisors, and proofreading new legislatures. As he trudged up the steps to the House of Lamentation, all he could think about was how wonderful his bed would feel.
Of course, nothing ever goes the way Lucifer wants it to. The closer Lucifer got to the house, the more he could feel the sheer wrath emanating from its walls. Never a good sign , Lucifer thought as he pulled the door open－
Only to immediately duck as a rogue chair went flying over his head.
“LUCIFER!” Shrieked Asmodeus, who for some reason was clinging to the chandelier for dear life. “HELP US! SATAN IS TRYING TO KILL ME!”
Right on cue, Lucifer heard a familiar snarl coming from his right. It was Satan, in full demon form and struggling against a transformed Beelzebub and Belphegor who were both desperately trying to hold him back. “LET GO! I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!” he snarled.
“Lucifer! We can’t hold him back much longer!” grunted out Beel.
“He already got Leviathan.” Belphegor grit out between clenched teeth. Sweat dripped down his brow. He pointedly glared at the wall to Lucifer’s left.
Lucifer turned his head to look at what Belphie was glaring at and let out a disappointed sigh at the sight. It was Leviathan sticking out of a wall. Or more accurately, Levi’s bottom half sticking out of the wall with his legs dangling, chunks of plaster from the wall scattered around at his feet. Lucifer deduced that Satan had thrown Levi through the wall, and decided this was going to end now .
Lucifer swiveled back to face Satan, Beel and Belphie. And not a moment too soon, as Satan had finally broken free of the twins’ grip and was making a beeline for Asmodeus clinging to the chandelier.
Lucifer tackled Satan as he attempted to leap toward Asmo. “Calm yourself Satan! You do not want to kill your brother!”
Satan only snarled something incoherent and tried to wrench himself out of Lucifer’s grip. Lucifer, however, was not having it and lifted the still snarling and squirming Satan up by the collar of his outfit, much like a mother cat and her unruly kitten.
“LET GO OF ME! HE NEEDS TO DIE!”
Lucifer frowned. “No he does not. Please calm yourself. This is unbecoming.”
“NEVER!”
Beel made his way over to where Levi was stuck in the wall as Belphie carefully crept towards Lucifer and Satan like someone would approach a feral animal. “Where is Mammon? He’s usually the best at calming Satan down.”
Lucifer’s frown deepened even more as he realized their greatest weapon against Satan’s rage was absent. “He said he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow night. Something about some witches dragging him around.”
Belphie eyed the still screaming demon and sighed. “Well that’s just great. How are we supposed to deal with this gremlin now?”
Satan roared in offense at being called a “gremlin”.
Lucifer pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand and took a calming breath. “I suppose I will just have to lock him up until he calms down. Or Mammon gets back. Whichever comes first.”
Lucifer started up the stairs, still holding the yowling Satan by the scruff. He stopped once he was at eye level with Asmodeus.
“And Asmo? Go help Beel and Belphie pry Levi out of the wall please. We shall discuss this later.”
“So, who’s going to tell me what happened?”
Lucifer crossed his arms behind his desk and glared at his four younger siblings. Levi, Asmo, Beel and Belphie stood in front of his desk with varying degrees of bruising and guilty expressions.
He continued. “We all know Satan hasn’t gotten this angry in a long, long time. I can only assume you all must have done something to get him this terribly upset. I’ve locked him in the attic until he calms down－”
Right on cue, a loud and angry thump echoed from somewhere above their heads.
“－So my question is, what did you all do?”
All the younger siblings winced as Lucifer’s aura grew more and more oppressive. Good , he thought. Let them squirm a bit. Serves them right for ruining my night.
Levi muttered something under his breath.
Lucifer raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “What was that, Levi?”
“I said he deserved it!” Levi spat out. “He taped his show over Ruri-chan!: Magical Girls and Trench Warfare?! So I posted an embarrassing photo of him and Mammon on Devilgram!”
The bottles of Demonus on the shelf behind him suddenly looked very tempting to Lucifer. “You… uploaded an embarrassing photo of him. What photo could have possibly upset him this badly?”
“Not just me! Asmo uploaded some pictures too!”
Asmo whirled around to face Levi. “Snitch!”
“Its not fair for me to be the only one in trouble! Besides, you posted like, twenty images! I posted one .”
“You started it though!”
Lucifer was trying his hardest to fight the temptation of throwing both of them through a wall. “What in the devil’s name did you two idiots post?”
Lucifer pulled his DDD out and opened Asmo’s Devilgram page. Nothing could have prepared him for Asmo’s newest uploads.
There were multiple posts. Multiple photos of Mammon caring for a baby Satan. Photos of him cooing over Satan as a toddler, photos of him rocking the baby to sleep, ones of them playing together, and just generally photos depicting Mammon in a very parental, nurturing way.
Lucifer’s brows furrowed further as he continued scrolling. The one where Satan was biting Mammon’s nipple was there. Lucifer had to fight the urge to crack a smile at it. The post Lucifer stopped on, however, was the photo taken right before the infamous incident.
The photo depicted Mammon, still shirtless, cradling baby Satan in his arms. The difference here was that Satan had not yet latched onto Mammon’s nipple, and the expression Mammon wore as he looked down at the bundle in his arms. It was a gaze full of such gentleness and warmth that Mammon actually looked incredibly angelic .
Lucifer fought the rising urge to coo at how cute Mammon looked. But he was still Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride, and the Avatar of Pride does not coo . Especially not in front of his little brothers.
Lucifer kept his face carefully neutral. He could see Satan losing his mind over the “nipple incident picture” going public. “So Satan was embarrassed by these photos of him as a child?”
Beel shuffled nervously. “Yeah. But there’s also another reason…”
Belphie interrupted him. “Just read the comments old man.”
Lucifer opened the comment section, and almost dropped the phone in horror. Comment after comment, demons were thirsting over Mammon. His sweet, adorable, baby brother Mammon. There were far too many uses of the word “mommy”, “daddy”, and a horrifying amount of people lusting over Mammon’s abs. “ Sexy and good with children?? I NEED him! ” one comment read. “ My children could use a new stepfather anyway. ” read another, followed by a drooling emoji. How dare these creatures so blatantly drool over his baby brother?! Not to mention the shamelessness of lusting after the abs of a man holding a child .
On second thought, maybe that wasn’t too surprising, considering that half the population of the Devildom had some kind of mommy/daddy issues.
There was another word that kept popping up in the comments that Lucifer didn’t really understand.
“What is a… MILF ?” Lucifer asked with a growing sense of dread.
The twins glanced at each other nervously, before seeming to come to an understanding and shoved Asmo and Levi towards Lucifer.
“Well, um…” Asmo licked his lips nervously. “It's an acronym. It stands for… haha um…”
“It stands for what ?”
Levi was practically vibrating with anxiety. “Um, hahaha. Funny story. It stands for um, erm, Mom I’d Like to…uh, like to…”
“Like to what?” Lucifer snapped impatiently.
“... MomI’dLiketoFuck ” finished Asmo in a whisper.
This time Lucifer really did drop the phone in horror. “A Mom I’d like to WHAT ?!”
Asmo and Levi knew they were dead men and made a run for it.
“ASSSSSSMMMMMOOOOOOOOO! LEVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”
Asmo could feel the sudden surge of prideful wrath in the air behind him and knew Lucifer had transformed into his demon form. He was a dead, dead man now. He knew Levi had reached the same conclusion as his brother’s face contorted into one of fear and despair. They both shrieked in fear and ran faster.
But of course, neither of them stood a chance against an enraged Lucifer.
Levi frowned at the floor from where he was tied upside down and hung. “Not fair.” he sulked. “Why isn’t Satan tied up?”
Asmo stayed silent as he dangled only a short distance away.
“...I don’t regret it.” Asmo eventually grumbled.
“Yeah. Me neither.”
Mammon was humming quietly to himself as he made his way to the front door of the House of Lamentation. He had just returned from the human world after doing the bidding of some witches he was contracted with. For once the witches hadn’t run him ragged. Instead, all he had to do this time was act as one of the witches’ plus-one and be a nice piece of arm candy. Seems even witches struggled sometimes with finding a date.
Mammon had to admit, it did stroke his ego a bit to be considered attractive enough to be considered good eye candy.
Mammon unlocked the door and let himself in. “The Great Mammon has returned!” he announced.
“Did you guys miss…” he trailed off as he became distracted with the absolute mess that was the living room of the House of Lamentation. The chandelier was hanging at an odd angle, there was a weird hole in the wall, and wait a second, now that he thought about it, had that been a chair lying in the lawn where Mammon had passed earlier?
“Uh, what happened here?” Mammon carefully tip-toed his way through the chunks of plaster on the floor towards the stairs.
Thump .
Startled Mammon looked above him towards the sound.
Another thump. This time followed by a loud crash. And now Mammon could make out faint yelling.
Without thinking, Mammon ran up the stairs. “Hang on! Mammon’s coming!”
Mammon climbed the stairs, trying to follow the strange noises and hoping that nothing had happened to his brothers. He ran until he finally found the source of all the noise: the attic. Mammon flung the door open. “What’s wrong?! What’s happening? Is everyone okay?!”
The sight that greeted him was pure chaos. An enraged-looking Lucifer and Satan, both in their transformed states, seemed to be in the middle of a shouting match. Most of the furniture in the room had been overturned and torn up. There were several more holes in the wall. Belphie and Beel were both hiding under the half-broken bed. Popcorn crumbs surrounded them as Beel continued to stress-eat.
“Calm yourself Satan! Asmo and Levi have already been punished!” boomed Lucifer.
“IT'S NOT ENOUGH! THEY HUMILIATED ME AND UNLEASHED AN ARMY OF PERVERTS ON MAMMON. THEY DESERVE WORSE!” Satan screamed back.
Huh? Mammon frowned in confusion at his own name being brought up. “Army of perverts? After me ? What the hell are ya’ talkin’ about?”
Four gazes snapped towards Mammon as he made his presence known. His face paled as he came to the inevitable conclusion that he had done something. “W-wait guys! Whatever I did, I didn’t do it!”
Lucifer’s eyes softened a bit as he stared at Mammon. “...No. This is not because of something you have done. You are blameless.”
“But they are guilty!” Satan snarled and made a mad dash for the attic door while Lucifer was distracted.
Mammon, on instinct, snatched up Satan in something resembling a bear hug before he could make it past the door. “Wooaah there kiddo. I don’t know what’s going on with ya today but I promise it's gonna work out.” He continued to hold Satan, still snarling (but surprisingly not clawing at him) until his movements grew sluggish and half-hearted. Soon, Satan’s demon form melted away to reveal his usual appearance.
Mammon set the now sulking demon down. “That’s better. Do you want to talk about it?”
Satan dropped his head onto Mammon’s shoulder. “...no,” he mumbled.
“...allright.” Mammon turned to the three other brothers. “I’m gonna go ahead and take him to his room.” His voice remained calm, but the other three brothers could hear the thinly veiled anger in his voice. Clearly, Levi and Asmo had done something to upset Satan, and these three probably hadn’t helped. Leading Satan by the hand, Mammon headed towards Satan’s room, leaving the three flabbergasted brothers behind.
Right before he closed the door behind him he heard a quiet mutter of “...how did he do that so quickly?”
“...so basically, you two uploaded some embarrassing pictures of Satan and I?”
The six demons were having an impromptu meeting by the stairs, with Asmo and Levi hanging over their heads. They both nodded glumly.
Mammon sighed. “Right. What the hell kind of photo has the power to upset Satan this much?” Belphegor cracked an eye open from where he was slumped on his chair. Mammon could sense his irritation all the way across the room. Probably because it was getting past his bedtime. “Those pictures weren’t just any pictures. One of them was the nipple incident photo.”
Mammon winced as he remembered that day. “Ah. Yeah, that’ll do it. Satan was always super embarrassed by that.”
“But not just that,” Beel continued where his twin left off. “Apparently a lot of Asmo’s viewers wanted more pictures of you…” he cleared his throat awkwardly. “...being motherly .”
Mammon gaped at his brother as his face turned red in embarrassment. “W-what?!” Motherly?!
He snapped his head upwards to glare accusingly at Asmo and Levi. “ Motherly ? The fuck you mean motherly ? I’ve never had any kids!”
Mammon sprang out of his chair as another question occurred to him. “ And why the hell are people wanting to see me be a mother? !”
“Oh please,” Asmo sassed from above. “Satan might as well be your kid.”
“What?! If anything he’s Luci’s kid!”
“I mean, you did calm him down earlier in thirty seconds flat, just by holding him.” chimed in Belphie. “That’s pretty parental behavior to me.”
“The dude’s a mama’s boy.” Levi chimed in.
“More like a Mammy’s boy”.” Belphie snickered.
Mammon grew even more flustered and kicked the chair Belphie was slumped over. He fell to the ground with an oof and glared up at Mammon. He was still too lazy to actually lift himself off the floor and simply lied down where he had fallen.
Mammon decided it was in his best interest to move on to more pressing topics. “And what’s this about an army of perverts? Perverts after me?”
Mammon felt rage bubble up from deep inside him as the other possibility hit him. “ I swear to god if they’re being perverted towards Satan as a kid－ ”
Asmo cut him off before he could continue. “Oh god no, nothing like that. All those pervy thoughts are directed towards you .”
Mammon wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Better me than Satan I guess , he thought. ‘Sides, I’ve dealt with this kind of thing before.
“Sounds kind of concerning, but I’m a model. I have to talk to weird admirers all the time. Nothing I can’t handle.”
Lucifer, who had been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time seemed to be scandalized by this new piece of information. “ Weird admirers ? You’ve been dealing with weird admirers this whole time and you never told anyone ?!”
Mammon blanched at Lucifer’s strangely strong reaction. “I-I mean, it kinda comes with the job. Just some odd loveletters here and there, some handsy fans. Nothin’ to really worry about.”
“Handsy fans?! ”
What is Luci’s problem? Mammon thought. “Yeah, but like I said, nothin’ I can't handle. Anyway,” Mammon cleared hi throat and took his DDD out of his pocket. “I gotta see what horrible pictures you guys uploaded. You better not be gettin’ me canceled or somethin’.”
“No!” shouted Lucifer as both he and Satan, －who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere－ made a grab for his phone. Lucifer got there first and snatched the DDD out of Mammon’s hand.
“H-hey! What’s the big deal?! Don’t I get to at least see what they posted about me?”
“No,” Lucifer replied in a clipped tone. “No, you do not.” He proceeded to start rapidly typing something into the phone. Mammon couldn’t see what the eldest was doing, but he knew from the amount of typing being done and the faint magic he could feel in the air that it couldn’t be good.
“Luci! Don’t break my phone!”
“He’s not breaking it.” replied Satan, watching Mammon’s screen over Lucifer’s shoulder. He seemed to be in approval(?), of whatever actions Lucifer was taking. What the hell is happening? Since when were those two on the same page about anything?
After another minute of typing noises, Lucifer handed Mammon back his phone. “For your own protection, I have disabled your access to any social media.”
Mammon snatched his phone back and gaped in disbelief. “No social media?! My own protection?! Lucifer, what the hell are you talking about? ”
Lucifer gazed down at him with an unreadable expression. “Do not worry about it. The photos are already deleted off of their accounts. I will lift the ban after this whole thing has blown over. Until then, this matter will not be discussed any further. And you two,” he glared up at Levi and Asmo. “Do not make things any worse.”
Levi and Asmo both audibly gulped.
And with a final cutting glare, Lucifer left for his study, leaving Mammon incredibly confused and angry. All he wanted to do was see what embarrassing photos they had uploaded of him and now he couldn’t access Devilgram at all ?!
Mammon turned to Satan and shook him by the shoulders. “What?! What the fuck?! Satan, what is he talking about?”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing you need to be concerned about.” Satan was smiling, but Mammon could sense the underlying rage.
“Since when did you agree with anything Lucifer does?”
Satan’s eye twitched at that. “For once in his life, Lucifer has the right idea. I suppose even a broken clock is right twice a day.” He ducked out of Mammon’s arms and vanished up the stairs before Mammon could grab him again.
Aghast, Mammon turned to the twins. “Belphie? Beel?”
The two abruptly stood up, Beel looking nervous and Belphie disinterested. With an apologetic glance from Beel, they both also made their retreat up the stairs.
What is happening? Mammon’s confusion at his brothers’ odd behavior was starting to outweigh his anger.
He returned his gaze to his two brothers dangling from the ceiling and raised an eyebrow.
“...don’t look at me . I can’t risk Lucifer stringing me up again and letting my beautiful face get even more splotchy from hanging upside down! Besides,” A look of perfect innocence that screamed, “I’ve never done anything wrong in my life!” appeared on Asmo’s face. “I just helped my big brother gain even more popularity! Soon magazines from all over the Devildom will be begging to do photoshoots with you! You’ll be thanking me when the grimm starts rolling in. Lucifer will too, once he sees how much debt you’ll be able to pay off~”
Levi scoffed. “Don’t make me laugh. No matter how much the scumbag makes, he’ll lose his grimm one way or the other.”
Asmo laughed. “True~.”
Real bold of them to make fun of Mammon when they were the ones strung up. He smirked up at them as he realized he was the one calling the shots here.
“You two ever heard of a Newton’s cradle?”