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The idea didn’t come to him suddenly, like a revelation. Instead, it settled in his mind slowly but surely like the buildup of dust in the unused corner of his desk.
***
John goes to Kolín with the refugees after Kuttenburg burns and immediately gets to work. The less free time he has to think, the better. He throws money at some people, gets dirt others, makes promises and trades favours.
It does not feel like enough.
These people still let him sleep under their roofs, give him food, are kind to him in ways he could not imagine, and John does not understand. He was the cause of their ruin. They should hate him, they shouldn’t want to have anything to do with him, should be disgusted by his very presence. But they aren’t.
He makes a promise to himself to stay as long as he can, do as much as he can, to repay them.
He hopes Sam will return before he has to leave again. But Sam will have time to think about what has happened, and John fears that Sam won’t want him anymore. He knows he’s being selfish, but he hopes that won’t be the case. That Sam will want him. Sam’s affection feels like the sunlight he was deprived of in the basement.
Still, if Sam arrives and won’t look at him, won’t speak to him, John will understand. He will simply count himself lucky for the time he was allowed to have with him. He won’t demand more.
***
It takes time for Sam to come back, too much time, and John grows more nervous by the day. When he finally does arrive, it is injured, but so very much alive.
He leaves Sam alone with his family, his friends, his people. Indeed, it seems like everyone comes by to have a chat with him, to pat him, oh so gently, on the back, to welcome him in his new home. John is glad for it. Sam deserves it. In John’s opinion, Sam deserves the world, even if the world does not deserve Sam.
Only after everyone leaves for the night, does John approach Sam. His steps are careful, but loud enough to alert Sam to his presence. He’s sitting on a bench in Sara’s new home, leg stretched out. When he sees John, he straightens and suddenly, John has no idea what to do or what to say.
But then Sam wordlessly stretches a hand towards John, and John crosses the room in a few quick steps to hold Sam’s hand in his own. He sits down next to him and hugs him, careful as he can, trying to be mindful of his injuries.
Sam’s arms wind around John’s waist and suddenly, John is infinitely grateful for the fact that Henry of Skalitz exists, that he is the kind of person that he is, that he was the one who went on that damned mission with Sam.
John doesn’t think anybody else would have bothered to come back for Sam. His Sam. How wonderful it is to be allowed to think of him like that again.
He only gets seven more days, seven wonderful days with his Sam before he gets a letter. His family want to talk to him. About recent developments. So, he reluctantly says his goodbyes and heads towards Vienna.
***
His family has him busy for a few weeks, and then Jobst again has need of him, and he does not see Sam. Only manages to send two letters that do not say much and hopes that Sam can understand the words he did not write. How much he misses him. Loves him.
He loathes to think what would happen if they were discovered.
That is how it continues, for some time. He sends letters and when he is coincidentally in the area or has miraculously spare time, he visits Kolín. He looks forward to it and dreads it each time. He wants to see Sam, wishes to be never parted from him, but he also fears he will bring another disaster upon them.
He thinks, if that happened, he would not be able to bear it again. But not being buried on consecrated ground would be only a small price to pay for ridding the world of the stain he puts on it.
He learns one day that Sam has opened a new tavern, and for some reason, that fills John with unimaginable joy. And, Sam tells him with a small smile, it even has a basement. John understands what Sam means. He still does not understand why they would want him among them.
***
And then, one day, on another errand for Jobst, it hits him. Jobst wants to be king. He supposes he knew this already, on some kind of level. Like he logically knew that in a few months, winter will arrive again, but he does not spare it any more thought because the weather is still pleasantly warm. However, a month before winter starts, he will realise he has to get a new coat because he managed to misplace his last one. He will have to order a new one rather quickly.
And Jobst fancies himself king of Bohemia.
But publicly, Jobst is still supporting Wenceslaus.
So, John writes another letter to Sam, telling him that a kingfisher is of no use in a Viennese cage. Before he has the chance to set out for Mikulov, he gets a reply, that surely, John could use a helping hand.
And John wants to write another letter immediately, that Sam has gone mad, that he should stay in Kolín longer, be with his people.
But John is selfish, so instead, he goes to Kolín.
And though John has come to realize that the God above them is a cruel creature, he prays he is making the right decision. That a good for nothing idiot on the throne will be better than a power-hungry fool, will be better than a competent warmonger.
***
He is, thankfully, successful. Sam returns to Kolín, and John does not see him for months again. First, he is in Mikulov, then in Brno, then he goes to Prague with their new-again king. On the road, he marvels at how one can stay on top of a horse while being so drunk. It almost makes John feel sorry for him. Then he remembers this man has, by his own negligence, basically killed his wife, and the pity leaves him rather quickly.
When he leaves Prague, he has to meet Jobst in Brno again. He does not remember dreading a meeting this much in his life. However, he is ostensibly in favour with the king, so Jobst only leaves him with some words whose meaning John has no trouble decoding. Be careful, John. Be careful.
He will have to be careful for the rest of his life, if he wants to make sure his Sam is safe.
***
It is 1405 and John feels exhausted. It does not surprise him that he gets sloppy, that he gets captured. It does surprise him that Jobst pays the ransom. Most likely to keep up appearances.
Against all odds, the whole ordeal is a small blessing in disguise, because Jobst leaves him be afterwards. He only gets a brief letter from his family, saying that of course they were concerned and how glad they are he is alright.
So he does the only thing he can do and goes to Kolín.
Sam almost tackles him the moment he sees John, saying that they only heard via Henry that he was captured, but the news that he was released did not get back to them. John kisses him and buries further into the warmth of Sam’s arms. It is late, almost midnight, and he feels he could fall asleep then and there.
But Sam does not allow him to doze off standing. Instead, he gives John some food left over from that day, and then he leads John to his bedroom (theirs, a part of John’s mind he tries to keep quiet whispers). John only manages to take off his boots and hat, lies down and promptly falls asleep the moment his head touches the pillow.
When he briefly wakes up in the middle of the night, he is hugging Sam from behind, arm thrown around his waist.
How lucky John is, to be allowed to see this side of Sam, when he is vulnerable. John does not deserve this. But John is selfish, so he blindly feels for Sam’s hand in the darkness, intertwines their fingers and falls asleep again.
John, for once, wakes up sooner than Sam. When the sun rises and the time comes for Sam to get ready for the day, he starts pressing feather-light kisses all over his face to wake him up. Sam, eventually, does wake up and laughs. Such a beautiful sound, John thinks.
Then Sam pulls John into a proper kiss and John feels so full of energy he could probably run all the way to Prague and back.
***
John sees Sam only three times in 1408, and each time lasts about a week. When he is alone, he puts on the ring Sam got for him all those years ago and reminds himself of what it means.
He wonders whether Sam does the same with the broach John gifted him. Whether he ascribes it the same meaning as John does to the ring.
John wishes he could also do what Sam did for him, but he has no idea how he would go about drawing up a ketubah.
***
During one of those visits in Kolín, Sam asks him whether he would like to stay. John answers that he would like nothing else more. But he also knows he shouldn’t be selfish, shouldn’t be a burden, shouldn’t dream and demand too much. Terrible things happen to those who demand more of the world then world is content to give.
Sam tells him he is never a burden to him. It makes John want to cry.
Sam tells him that being selfish is not always terrible. That sometimes it is necessary to stay sane.
***
It is 1411 and Jobst is finally successful. He is finally the Roman king. John is concerned where this will lead.
Jobst finally got what he wanted, yes, but John knows the state of his affaires. The state of his treasury. It’s emptiness.
John knows he owes money. A lot of money. Including to some Jewish lenders. And he is concerned that Jobst will get ideas not unlike his redheaded cousin.
So John makes a decision and ensures Jobst is poisoned. He is not even at Jobst’s estate when it happens, just elsewhere in Brno. It couldn’t have been him that poisoned Jobst. Not at all.
When the informant brings him the news of Jobst’s demise, he thanks him, sends him away, and sits down rather heavily at his desk because he suddenly feels like there is a boulder on his chest and he can’t breathe.
He tries to think of his Sam’s fingers in his hair and eventually, his episode passes.
And John feels elated. Maybe, he hopes, he will get to see Sam more often, now that his leash has been cut.
He goes to Kolín almost immediately, where Sam is already waiting. The news spread fast, and Sam was able to spot John’s fingerprints all over Jobst’s death. In a strange way, he feels touched that Sam understands his mind so well he would be able to discern such a thing. Sam tells John he did the right thing, and the praise makes John turn red like a ripe apple under the sun.
He takes out the bottle of wine he bought for Sam, assures him it is kosher, and suggests they go somewhere more private to open it.
***
Unfortunately, his fantasy of having more freedom once Jobst is dead is crushed rather quickly. He no longer has any obligations to Jobst, which his family interprets as him only having more time to do their bidding.
His brother asks whether he’s happy that he can be with his family again. That it is, after all, where he belongs. Where he will always belong. Until his death, probably, John thinks.
He is sent here and there, talk to this burgrave, that noble, this merchant, that bishop.
He does not get to see Sam. And he feels exhausted again. And he thinks about what Sam said that one time. That being selfish is sometimes necessary to stay sane.
***
In February in the year of 1412, John gets a letter inviting him to Rattay. His family does not protest him going. Maybe, John thinks, this will be the one mercy God, or whoever watches from up above, affords him. He sets to planning almost immediately and before he leaves Austria, everything is set in place.
Before he goes to Rattay, however, he stops in Kolín. How could he not? It always feels like coming home, even when he spends so little time there.
He probably doesn’t mask his nervousness as well as he would like, because Sam feels that something is not right and tries to convince him not to go.
To stay.
And John thinks that if all goes well, he will finally get to stay. For good, this time.