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Life sucked. Especially when one lived in Shadyside, with no father, an alcoholic of a mother and a sister who never could give less of a crap about anything that was happening, all causing you to be the personal caretaker of the family to not lose more money that none of you have yet.
If one person would know about that, ask Cindy Berman. Who just so happened to find herself in precisely that situation.
But you see, it wasn't always like this.
Life used to be fun, consisting of messing around with her sister - Ziggy - in their neighbors garden, picking berries before jumping into the lake with all their clothes still on and laughing together about it. Everything felt so light-hearted and of little importance then. There hadn't been the pressure to be perfect, to be the one person caring for everyone, to be someone she wasn't.
There used to be Alice by her side.
Cindy and Alice, as unlikely as it seemed, used to stick together like glue when they were younger. Inseparable. But now they weren't. And for what reason?
Admittedly, her father leaving hadn't been the only factor messing with Cindy's life in an extreme way. Puberty had also been quite a punch in the face. Hormones had been one thing, feelings a whole other. While she had not really expected to fall for any of the guys she knew, as she hadn't been in contact with most of them enough to call them anything other than acquaintances, she would've gladly taken that over what did happen.
Because she didn't fall for a guy at all. She fell for Alice.
The world didn't come crashing down immediately, no. At first it had been acceptable. Not okay, but not as much of a shock as it could, or should have been.
Until it did. Until Cindy realized what it even meant, to be a girl in love with another girl.
The thought that she would never even have a chance with Alice crossed her mind more times than she could count, dragging her further and further away from gaining the confidence to ever confess. There was no way in hell she could do that- or would do that. Not only was Alice her friend, and their friendship was more important to her than anything else, it also wasn't normal.
Normal.
That was another word, seeming to stick to her with such a willpower, Cindy couldn't ignore it if she tried. She was not normal, was she? She came from Shadyside, so obviously there had to be something wrong with her, even if she hadn't known what exactly it was so far. Even if she tried to ignore it all her life, firmly believing that the town in which she lived wouldn't affect anything about her life like that and everything would be fine.
But the longer the realization dawned on her, the more nagging it became. This town was cursed and so was she. Cursed, with a family, splitting apart at the seams after a single night in which her father left. Cursed, with a sister who never seemed to understand what the big deal was with it, who would rather drag other people's life down along with hers instead of trying to improve anything, willing to give up so easily. Cursed, with feeling she never ever wanted to have and couldn't risk voicing out loud.
Cindy wanted to leave everything behind. But as a teenager, not old enough to live on her own and too poor to buy a car, she couldn't.
But some cuts had to be made.
So she lost the closest friend she ever had, and probably ever will have again.
It hurt. Cindy didn't want to leave Alice behind, hell, she still loved the girl. But that was precisely the problem. Cindy couldn't like her. She couldn't like a girl. She had to like guys. There shouldn't be any butterflies thinking about her girl friend like that, there shouldn't be the wish for more with her!
Cindy tried to forget about it, suppressing and trying to ignore the feelings that kept bubbling up again and again whenever the blond girl would do as much as come her way. No matter how hard she tried drowning them, pushing them away and diving into work just to forget about everything. The fact that there really weren't a lot of places you could work at in Shadyside, which meant that their paths crossed so much more often than she'd like, didn't help.
But she had to do something to make herself normal again, didn't she? Maybe if Cindy would meet more boys her age she would eventually forget about whatever phase of feelings that was and fall for them instead.
Eventually, she started dating a boy named Tommy.
He was kind, sweet, never rude, everything one could wish for in a boyfriend. And yet Cindy never could find herself loving him in the way that she loved Alice.
But at this point it was too late. Alice hated her, ruining every single chance she potentially might have had with her previously - not that Cindy would be willing to admit anything of sorts to her yet. And there was nothing she could do about it. Cindy was the one who messed up, not willingly but still.
This hadn't been her plan, to have Alice hate her, to be mean to each other and treat each other in ways that one would never expect they used to be friends. They used to be a duo, with the potential of being more than friends even.
None of this had ever been planned. And yet, it still happened.
Sometimes Cindy found herself wondering what life could have been like, if her father hadn't left. Or if she and Ziggy had never started the stupid arguments that they had nowadays. Or if she could have been brave enough to stand to herself and not be ashamed of what she felt. What if could be like, if she had ever told Alice about what she felt, and if it could have been her hand Alice was holding, instead of Arnie’s.
As soon as the thought of kissing Alice appeared to her and caused a weirder feeling in her stomach than kissing Tommy in reality ever had, Cindy shook her head and buried her face in a pillow, wanting to scream more than anything.
Maybe Ziggy was right. Life really was shit.
Cindy didn't have a clue how Alice had been affected by their friendship falling apart. She didn't know that Alice was by far not in a different state of mind than she was. Though instead of working like there was no tomorrow, she tried to numb everything with partying and a life full of energy that didn't leave her enough time to think clearly about this.
She didn't know that Alice maybe loved Arnie, but not in the way that she used to feel for Cindy herself. And that, even if it would never seem like it from the outside, Alice was just as scared as she herself was. Of rejection, or the separation between them, of not being who she wanted to be.
If they ever got to confess, to tell each other about how they felt, to make up, they would both realize just how stupid both of them have been. Scared for valid reasons, but nonsensely scared nonetheless.
But life was shit, and mean, and if they wouldn't get up to do it on their own, there was little chance anything would happen, or change. Though one could hope that maybe someday it will.