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This is how the loop goes:
You lose her in every world.
—
Mizi falls in love like a cherry blossom petal carried away by the river. It is a graceful descent, cradled by the gentle breeze that is Sua, but the moment she touches the water, the cruelty of the world barrels her over and crushes her in its fist. She loves Sua, and then she loses her, and it is as if each one of her organs has been ripped from her body.
She does not know who she is without Sua.
She pleads with gods she doesn’t believe in, and she sits by the riverside instead of the graveyard, and she chants quiet, ‘She loves me, she loves me not’s under her breath while stripping flowers of their petals and tossing them all into the rushing water before her. Her fingers stain red. She cannot escape the knowledge that Sua’s death is her fault.
It was an accident, Ivan assures her. There is nothing you—or anyone else—could have done.
And yet.
Mizi knew she should have gone after Sua. She should have called her name, shouldn’t have let her walk out into the storm when she was well aware Sua would make her usual trek to the riverside to clear her mind with no regard to the howling wind and pouring rain. Mizi should have risked her own life to bring Sua back to safety.
She didn’t.
She cared more about keeping herself alive, and now Sua is dead, and Mizi does not know who she is without the woman she crafted into her entire universe.
She drops the final petal into the river and watches it float away. She wonders if she will ever feel whole again. She wonders if there is some other world in which she died and Sua lived. Or a world in which they are both still alive, giggling into each other’s mouths, limbs tangled together beneath silken sheets.
But if there is, none of those worlds are this one.
In this world, it is over. Sua is nothing but a ghost that will haunt Mizi for the rest of her days, and it is impossible to wrap her head around that thought. To live without Sua is impossible. Yet, it is as if Mizi always knew it was coming.
Like their ending was inevitable.
Still, Mizi swears she will find Sua in their next life. She will do this over and over and over again, because who is she without Sua? And who is Sua without her? What is the universe without the stars that shine within it, and what is a goddess without anyone to worship her, and what is the sun without a moon to reflect its light through the night, and what is a dreamer without a dream to hopelessly chase after?
What is this point in this life, or any other, if Mizi and Sua do not find one another?
—
It is not a blessing or a curse;
it is simply the way things are.
—
Sua falls in love like a planet pulled in by the gravity of a star. She knows there was a time before Mizi, but she cannot fathom a life without her now. She cannot break away from her pull, and she knows she never will be able to. Not until Mizi burns hot enough to expand and take the whole solar system with her in one glorious explosion of light.
And when that time comes, Sua gladly perishes kneeling at her right hand.
Sua places herself before Mizi, allowing the fire to singe her skin and melt the flesh from her bones, and she hears Mizi’s screams behind her, but she cannot find it within herself to regret her decision. She has given Mizi time to escape, and that is all that matters. Sua cannot live without Mizi, and she dedicated her life to protecting her.
She turns, looking over her shoulder, and smiles through the pain. Her vision is going fuzzy and every cell of her body is screaming, but she needs Mizi to know—
“It’s okay,” she says, hoping her soft voice carries over the roar of the flames. “Go.”
Mizi shakes her head fiercely, wracked with sobs, tears staining her cheeks. But Hyuna grabs her by the arm and drags her away, and Sua dies smiling because she knows she has saved Mizi for at least one day more.
She would do the same over and over and over again, because who is she without Mizi? And who is Mizi without her protection? What are shining stars without a universe to illuminate, and what is a worshiper without a goddess to dedicate herself to, and what is the moon without sunlight to reflect, and what is a dream without a dreamer to hopelessly chase after it?
What is the point in this life, or any other, if Sua and Mizi do not find one another?
—
This is how the loop goes:
You lose her in every world.
—
This time around, you meet her through glass. Her eyes are hollow, her body lifeless, like a sad doll on display. You reach out for her, and she reaches for you, and you have never known what it means to want until this very moment. Everything in your life prior to now is far away and half-forgotten. The blood on your pudgy fingers and the crushing of soft flesh beneath your clumsy hands and the screaming and wailing and harsh reprimand in response to the fact that you felt anything at all.
It was all worth it, if it led you here.
And when she slips away from you, you vow: You will find her again.
Again, and again, and again.
—
It is not a blessing or a curse;
it is simply the way things are.
—
You reunite under an artificial sun, so different from the dark aquatic environment you are used to. This place has soft grass that tickles your bare feet and a river that sparkles in the bright light, and it has the girl your soul has been crying out for since the very moment you were born.
(Or perhaps even longer than that.)
When you ask her name, she tells you Sua in a voice like a melody, and you think of an old legend that says every creature in the universe was made from stardust trillions and trillions of years ago. You think the stars which you and Sua came from must have been orbiting around one another at the very beginning of time, because you cannot think of any other explanation for the way you are pulled towards her.
Nor can you explain why she allows you close.
She lets you run your fingers along her bare skin, lets you hover over her, lets you play with her hair and pull her around and do anything you please, and there is only ever fondness shining in her eyes. You could crush her delicate wrist in an instance, your fingers digging into the soft flesh until the bones beneath crunch and the skin turns blue and her blood runs red.
You call her adorable and cute when she is beneath you, when she is showing her weakness, when she is submitting to your whims and offering vulnerability, because these are the words you know. This is how you can describe your love; it is the only way you can describe it.
It is an echo of the only love you know.
But what you feel for Sua is more than simply love. It is how a star must feel for the planet which orbits it closest. It is how a flower must feel for its leaves. It is how Earth must feel for the grass and the seas and the animals which wander its surface. Sua is more than love; she is the entire world. If everything else was stripped away, you would be content to exist with nothing apart from her, floating endlessly through the black void of eternity.
Sua is more than love because she is everything.
She is your everything.
—
This is how the loop goes:
—
But you know—you have known from long before you ever arrived in the garden, maybe even from the moment you first saw Sua’s face or even the moment your mother’s blood first splattered onto your hands—you know that it cannot last. You know Sua will be ripped from your arms.
You pretend not to, because it is easier. Because Sua wants to protect you, and you want to be protected by Sua; because the way you smile and laugh makes everyone believe you could not possibly know; because you are already targeted and torn to shreds for the way that you are and you do not wish to tip any precarious balance you can find.
You pretend not to, because you want to believe in the world everyone thinks you believe in. A world in which you and Sua can live in the garden forever.
You pretend not to, to the point where you truly hope for some other ending. You think you believe with all your heart that you and Sua can tie for the first time in ALNST history and that you will both be permitted to live and that you will be permitted to live together. You tell everyone this is what you believe will happen with such certainty it must be true.
And then Sua dies in front of you.
And you realize, deep down—
something inside of you always knew this is how it would end.
You want to hate Sua for leading you on only to leave you, but you know she is not to blame. She is nothing but a victim.
The one to blame is you. All the blood is on your hands alone.
—
(You lose her in every world)
—
(You have grown accustomed to dying with a smile on your face, you think. Because so often it is the last thing Mizi sees, and you want her final memory of you to be something beautiful.
You want her final look at your face to be something she can recall with love.)
—
This is how the loop goes:
1. Sua dies from a sword through her chest—a sword which was aimed for Mizi.
2. Mizi survives because she is in the passenger seat while Sua drives, and a careless driver rams into the left side of their car. Bad luck.
3. A shark attack? All Mizi finds are bloody scales from Sua’s tail.
5. Billions of years of two stars orbiting around one another places Sua in the path of the black hole, and she utilizes all gravitational force she has left to push Mizi out of the way.
8. The girl who plucks Sua’s stem from the ground must like white roses better than pink ones.
13. One snowflake falls on a warm cheek while the other drifts into a snowback, cushioned by the cold.
21. Sua’s plane goes down.
34. Painstakingly, over the course of many years, Mizi rebuilds Sua while her brain waits, preserved. She creates a new body for her, but she could never capture the beauty of the original, and even once Sua’s mind is placed inside, she is not quite the same.
55. Pirates attack their ship, and Sua stays to fight while Mizi is made to flee.
89. Mizi crushes Sua with her own hands, fingers wrapped around her throat, and Sua watches with affection shining in her eyes even as the life is drained out of her.
144. Mizi looks back.
233. They are raindrops, racing one another down a window, and Sua lands first.
377. Two birds chase one another through a grassy yard; the cat catches the white one when it flies too low.
610. Sua is ice and Mizi is the sun.
987. Porcelain is far easier to break than a cloth doll.
1597. Sua dies.
2584. Mizi lives.
4181. They love one another, and they lose one another,
6765. over,
10946. and over,
17711. and over,
F∞. and over again.
—
How cunning you are. To always walk away with her blood on your hands. To always walk away with breath still in your lungs, to carry on when she cannot, to survive.
How cruel.
How terrible.
You stand on a throne made of all the bodies you crushed as you climbed to the top, and you can see the entire world from here, but what does survival mean?
It just means you were too afraid to die.
Cunning, cruel, coward.
—
This is how the loop goes:
You lose her in every world.
It is not a blessing or a curse;
it is simply the way things are.
BUT
If this is how the loop goes—
—
(Mizi…what’s wrong?)
If this is how the loop goes…
(Feel like a waste?)
IF THIS IS HOW THE LOOP GOES
(I’m so proud of you.)
—
I must admit,
The loop does not always go exactly like this.
Sometimes, you are the first to die. It is statistically improbable that she dies first in every world. But the truth is, that does not matter. If you die or if she dies, it is all the same. The core of the loop remains true:
You lose her in every world.
—
Oh, but if you lose her in every world…
—
You’re someone who I could crush in an instant, if I felt like it.
(I could, but I won’t. And you must know this, because you lay yourself weak before me.
Sometimes, I admit, I think what it might be like to betray your trust. To crush you until you bleed. Would you look at me horrified, or would your smile remain in place because I am the one causing you pain?
I wonder, but I do not act on such thoughts.
Because one day, I will either know, or I will be the one crushed in front of you. And I hope, in the case of the latter, I am able to smile at you until the very end.)
—
If you lose her in every world,
then this is how the loop goes:
0. Mizi falls in love like a cherry blossom petal carried away by the river. She meets Sua beneath a warm spring sun, and her heart yearns. She and Sua dance around one another, trading smiles and blushes, until Mizi finds Sua’s hand fit snugly in hers and she simply cannot hold back for a moment longer. She kisses Sua like they are the only ones in the world, like a cherry blossom petal making first contact with the water in which it lands, and everything is sunny and bright.
1. Sua falls in love like a planet pulled in by the gravity of a star. She meets Mizi in the midst of a rebellion, and she swears to protect their symbol with her life. So long as Mizi lives, the rest have a chance at victory, though Sua could care less about all of them. She cares only for Mizi, and for the quiet moments they share together even living in a world at war. Mizi kisses her hestantly, at first, until Sua wraps her arms around Mizi’s neck to pull her in closer, and their kisses turn ravenous. And Sua knows she would gladly spend the rest of her days hiding away with Mizi like this.
1. Mizi is the princess whom Sua is assigned to guard. She shines so brightly and laughs so beautifully, how could Sua not have fallen in love?
2. Mizi is working part-time at a coffee shop. Sua is a tired college student who comes in three minutes after opening to order a drink with as much extra espresso as Mizi is allowed to add. How could Mizi not have fallen in love?
3. Sua’s tale shimmers purple, glinting in the light that breaks through the water’s surface. Mizi should not be so far from home, but she has always been drawn to shiny things, and when her eyes meet Sua’s, she knows she would travel to the ends of the earth if it meant the two of them would meet.
5. They form within one another’s gravitational pull, and they reach for one another as if it is the only thing they have ever known.
8. They sprout from the dirt side-by-side, reaching towards the sun together.
13. They drift to the ground, born from the same cloud.
21. Their eyes meet, and their worlds burst into color simultaneously.
34. Sua stumbles into Mizi’s workshop, eyes wide, hair frayed, and begs for a place to hide. Mizi does not think twice before welcoming her into both the workshop and her life, and they fall into place like two gears sculpted with the sole intent of turning against one another.
55. Mizi wants to see the world, and Sua is the only one who will entertain her whims. Of course she would fall in love along the way.
89. Sua arrives on campus the day after Mizi, and from the very first glance, Mizi knows they will be the best of friends.
144. The daughter of a muse, and a lonely girl accustomed to the cold. They meet in the summer, when everything is beautiful, and Mizi swears Sua is the one she will marry.
233. The glass is cold beneath them, and Mizi chases after Sua in the hopes that they will merge into one before their time is up.
377. Mizi’s morning song is joined by a second voice that harmonizes perfectly with hers.
610. Sua feels the warmth of Mizi against her, and she knows it can only be described as love.
987. They are two dolls, passed through many hands, until they end up on the same shelf, with Mizi propped against Sua to keep her positioned upright.
1597. Sua sees Mizi.
2584. Mizi sees Sua.
4181. They find one another, and they love one another,
6765. over
10946. and over
17711. and over
F∞. and over again.
—
It is not a blessing or a curse;
it is simply the way things are.
—
Do you see now? Do you understand?
In order to lose someone, you must love them first.
—
(You’re so adorable.
You always say that.)
—
This is how the loop goes:
You love her in every world.
It is not a blessing or a curse;
it is simply the way things are.
—
Through the window, Mizi watches cherry blossom petals fall. They float through the air like dancers, moving with the grace she possessed decades ago. Their movement is as nostalgic as it is mesmerizing.
She feels more than hears Sua come up behind her, drifting into her space as if pulled by gravity, in the same way they have existed since they were kids. She wraps her arms around Mizi’s torso and presses a kiss to her shoulder.
They are both growing old now, and Mizi knows their time together is limited. They have lived a long, enviable life, but it is still not enough. Mizi couldn’t be satisfied with even eternity by Sua’s side.
She swears, in whatever life comes next, she will find Sua again. And she knows Sua will do the same for her.
Because who is Mizi without Sua, and who is Sua without Mizi?
What is the universe without the stars that shine within it, and what are shining stars without a universe to illuminate? What is a goddess without anyone to worship her and what is a worshiper without a goddess to dedicate herself to? What is the sun without a moon to reflect its light through the night and what is the moon without sunlight to reflect? What is a dreamer without a dream to hopelessly chase after and what is a dream without a dreamer to hopelessly chase after it?
What is this point in this life, or any other, if Mizi and Sua do not find one another?