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If only he’d known.
If only he’d known how hurtful it’d be to have her back. To see her walking these halls like nothing had ever changed.
She’d been around at the hotel a week ago, citing that she wanted to talk to him, but Alastor hadn’t waited for the woman to ask. He’d retreated.
Traveling through the shadows at almost mock speed to Lucifer, checking on him, making sure he was okay, warning him.
He warned him.
And yet, Lucifer had been ecstatic that she was home. That she was back.
Alastor had been left in the metaphorical dust as Lucifer portaled off to see her.
Lilith.
Too young to get bitter over it all
Her presence was deafening. It was painful, and as he followed Lucifer slowly through the portal, he felt like his heart was getting ripped out.
Lucifer had promised him things would never change- that they’d stick together, but this? Lucifer was happily speaking to Lilith and gesturing wildly. And Lilith? Lilith was smiling while she watched him.
Alastor’s ears lowered as Lucifer laughed at something Lilith mentioned, and it only dug the knife in deeper.
He didn’t… he didn’t belong here, did he? He never had. This was a picture he was all too familiar with: the feeling of being left out while the hotel’s staff smiled and celebrated.
Too old to retaliate like before.
It was loud, the sounds of their collective laughter as he stood off to the side, watching them.
Always smiling, never showing the true feeling. He hated it, fuck he hated it so much, the way the entire group acted as though he didn’t matter. Lucifer’s love couldn’t save him, his affection couldn’t stop the thoughts that flew by in his head.
What love? He loves her, not you. Stupid deer.
And he knew that, deep down, Alastor knew he was nothing more than a replacement, and by the looks of it, he’d been temporary.
Alastor let out a shuddery breath as he sat down on the couch, watching as his mate hopped up on the armrest next to Lilith to continue speaking. Lucifer wasn’t even acknowledging him, was he?
Alastor turned cheek, summoning a glass of whiskey as he took a deep breath. His nose wrinkled as it caught the scent of the queen.
Too blessed to be caught ungrateful, I know.
She smelled like what Lucifer had once told him she smelled like. Back when they were just friends.. Lucifer said how much he missed it. Now that they had been more temporarily, Lucifer said his new favorite scent was sandalwood.
Lucifer was too far from him.
Lucifer deserved her. Not him.
Alastor stood, straightening his lapels as he watched them all speak. No one noticed his departure into the shadows.
She’s back! He’d received a message that she'd be there, but she’s here, and holy shit, he'd so much to tell her!!
Lucifer felt his grin widen as he spouted to Lilith about all that had happened. His best friend, the first person he’d truly become close to, and he was so excited to know she’d be here to watch him propose to Alastor.
It was her idea, after all! She’d heard about their relationship and had been delighted by it, citing that she’d realized a long time ago that she was aromantic and didn’t want anything. The love she felt for Lucifer was love, yes, but it wasn’t in a romantic sense.
And Lucifer was okay with that; he’d learned it and come to terms with it a long time ago.
Alastor was watching them all speak. He was so glad his fawn was there to listen and hear all the plans, though Lucifer was hushed when he spoke of his intentions to ask Alastor for his hand, he’d have to be careful and not let the man overhear.
Alastor had been so stressed that morning and day, flowing into this evening as they all sat in the parlor. Charlie and Vaggie happily talked with Lilith and Lucifer, and Husk, Angel Dust, Cherri Bomb, and Niffty were playing a drinking game. Alastor sat by himself away from the group, but Lucifer understood. The Radio Demon hated contact outside of Lucifer.
So I'll keep dancin' along to the rhythm.
The Devil giggled once more as he heard Lilith mention him needing to get a different suit than the one he’d had for their wedding, and then Lucifer paled. What if Alastor had heard?!
He quickly looked over to where Alastor would’ve been, but all he saw was an empty space, and by the looks of it, he’d been gone for quite some time.
Curiosity coupled with worry laced through his bones as he stood. “Excuse me, I’ll be back with Alastor later.”
Lucifer disappeared into thin air, materializing on the steps as he began to search for his fawn. Something… something wasn’t right.
Alastor whimpered as he stepped into Lucifer’s room, glancing around at the things that he and the King had collected over the two years they’d been together. The red items began to drain of all their color, washing in purple as he panted in the middle of the room. “Drat, damn this all! Damn ME!”
The deer’s chest tightened and squeezed, his ribs felt like knives, and his heart felt like a boulder as the tears on his face burned like acid. “To Hell! To HELL!”
The room shuddered and shook as Alastor’s magic lashed and gnawed at the bedding, ripping it to shreds as he screamed into the room.
It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad.
This was his past all over again. He was only ever just a temporary.
Tell me, did I give you what you came for?
”Fuck you! Fuck you for making me feel this way! You lied!” Alastor’s body shook as he ripped his coat off, snarling at the images of affection he saw in his head. He’d been right to be so skeptical of Lucifer all that time ago.
Lucifer was a LIAR!!
He never loved you.
He has her. He will never need us again. You’re worthless in his eyes. A shell of her.
Alastor’s chest hurt. He clawed at it, blood flowing freely as he stumbled over the destruction in the room, falling onto the floor.
And there, on the floor where he’d first found Lucifer making a Radio Demon duck with his legs kicking behind him– Alastor lay.
Alastor lay there while he stared up at the ceiling, hiccups falling from his lips as he tried in vain to stop his tears.
There was a knocking on the door, but he didn’t answer.
Terrified to answer my own front door.
Alastor felt his body being moved, shifted slightly, but the black haze in his eyes refused to fade; he couldn’t see anything.
Someone was coddling him, laying him on their lap while they unbuttoned his shirt to see the damage. He felt the shuddery breath of the person and heard the gasp.
Missin' my wings in a realm of angels.
”Go away.” Alastor croaked out, voice hoarse from screaming and crying. He was so tired.
”I refuse. You’re hurt, my fawn. You hurt yourself, please, my fawn.”
Why did that voice feel like a balm over the burns he had endured? Why did the healing that he felt fixing his chest and vision feel so soft, so nice?
Alastor’s vision finally focused to see Lucifer’s face come into view.
”Go to her, why are you here?” Alastor snapped, anger on his face as he tried to retain some sort of control.
You’re afraid to be loved.
”What? Why, you’re the one I want to marry, dummy.” Lucifer tilted his head, confused.
Alastor shoved him off, or tried to as he hiccuped, hyperventilating again. “All you did was talk to her! You didn’t even want to sit by me or introduce me or anything, you just wouldn’t… You didn’t.. It’s just like. . .” He didn’t finish his thoughts as he gripped his chest once more, fresh tears spilling down his face as he tried to pull away.
There was no need for Alastor to finish his sentence. Lucifer knew very well what he was speaking of. Vox had straight up abandoned Alastor for Valentino’s affection… and Alastor had developed abandonment issues and a strong distaste for others because of it.
In his excitement to speak to Lilith about Alastor, Lucifer had forgotten one of the key values that Alastor adored. His attention. He’d failed to bring Alastor into the conversation- failed to introduce him properly, and to Alastor, it must’ve looked horrible, especially considering what he was so afraid of.
Lucifer frowned, gently wrapping Alastor into an embrace he couldn’t escape, one with his wings wrapped tightly around the trembling Radio Demon turned heartbroken fawn.
”Alastor.. Alastor, I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t even think about how that might’ve looked. I wasn’t thinking, I’m so sorry, but I promised you before that I wouldn’t leave, I’d be by your side no matter what, through the deepest incisions and hardest wars, and I am not stopping now. I am so, so sorry, my fawn.. I didn’t… I didn’t mean for it to look that way, you are my mate and I love you.
”Do you..?” came a soft sound, and Lucifer glanced down to see Alastor looking at him with a vulnerable look.
”More than anything.”
”Do you promise, Luci?” A sniffle.
”Yes, my fawn, I promise.” A low chuckle as he leaned down and kissed his contrite fawn.
And for Alastor, he felt that was enough. Lucifer never ever broke his promises.
Alastor never broke his either.
The morning light shone through the room as Alastor shifted, pressing himself further into the warmth beside him.
Lucifer had spent the majority of the night comforting the deer, walking with him through the emotions he’d found himself drowning in, just as Lucifer had once drowned in.
Lucifer’s love and affection didn’t waver once as they embraced on the floor of the King’s room.
The Devil had managed to reverse every bit of damage that Alastor had inflicted on the room’s items, and Alastor spent that time in the King’s lap, face pressed into his neck like he wanted to hide away from the world.
This was a sporadic occurrence from the Radio Demon. He often didn’t have panic attacks or breakdowns of this caliber.
But he did last night. He did because Lucifer had gotten excited to talk to Lilith.
And once he and Alastor had talked it out, Alastor felt worlds better, though he declined to speak to Lilith so soon. And Lucifer respected that. His fawn needed time to collect his spoons that he dropped and couldn’t find.
Alastor whined softly as Lucifer’s hand petting behind his ears stopped, and Lucifer breathed out an airy laugh. “You are such a needy little thing, you know that, right?”
”...” Alastor didn’t answer, merely bleating softly in response like a baby deer would, pressing his face and body further into Lucifer’s. Lucifer only smiled, holding his fawn close. As close as he could be while they lay there, limbs tangled beneath the sheets.
”Very well, my fawn. I won’t move.”