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It was difficult to get volunteers for the academy's Basic First Aid course that ran at the start of the year. What had started as a way to curb unneeded visits to the resident medi-nin had grown into a well cherished tradition by all of the teachers. Kids were less likely to freak out when cuts started to appear during introductory kunai and senbon lessons. The resident medi-nin, Asuka, was less stressed than she had been in years. Even Iruka himself loved the course!
But everything had a price, and the price everyone had to endure (like a toll paid in blood) was the long drawn out torture of finding volunteers. Test subjects, Anko had said the year she had drawn the literal short stick among the jonin waiting disciplinary action. Shockingly no one wanted to be poked and prodded by groups of snot nosed, sticky fingered children.
But, in a bizarre way, it had turned into a time honored tradition.
The volunteer list, or The List, would be posted in the Mission Room for about a month. It would collect dust. Iruka and the other shift leads would make reminder announcements every Monday. No one would sign up. Whispers and murmurs would haunt the barracks and streets alike. Then, like clockwork, names would appear on the list as people were volun-told to sign up.
So that was why Iruka was already aggravated when, for the first time in five years (Five years! It was the longest streak since Iruka took over making The List! He was weirdly proud of it), Iruka saw that a name occupied the volunteer list. Something was wrong. Early signups didn't happen. It went against the unspoken rules of the whole thing. It just wasn't done.
Knowing that eyes were focused on his back as soon as he paused mid-step after glancing at The List, Iruka kept his voice light and breezy as he asked the other workers in the room, "Anyone see who signed it?"
Everyone know what 'it' was.
The other three workers all tossed a variety of 'no' at Iruka.
The room collectively held its breath when Iruka started towards The List, innocently shining on its space on the corkboard.
"Mother fucker," Iruka said under his breath. A migraine erupted behind his eyes.
Hatake Kakashi had volunteered. And because it was so early during sign-ups that Iruka would be forced to accept him. The worst person to have around children had volunteered for Basic First Aid. Why not have the most irritating, obnoxious, down-right condescending, most annoying-
"Kakashi-san," Iruka smiled, staring down at the man in a pit, "please remember that you're dying."
"Oh, right."
He dog-eared the page to keep his place. Kakashi then sprawled out like a starfish. The man's flak jacket was rucked up high and bracketed the underside of his chin. His visible eye was folded closed so that it looked like he had fallen asleep.
"Dying! Not already dead! How many times do I have to-"
"Ah, relax sensei." Kakashi sighed. "Is this better?" He scooched around the pit on his hands and ass until he was leaning against a wall. When he was nice and settled, he cupped his hands over his mouth and called up, "Help, help! My leg is broken."
Kakashi relaxed against the dirt behind him, looked up at the teacher and all of the little faces lined around the rim staring down at him. He even flailed a little. Made it a little believable for the kids but pulled one of his legs closer to his body and left the other outstretched.
It wasn't half-way through the day yet and Iruka had had to yell at Kakashi half a dozen times already. Every time a new segment came up, he needed to tell the jonin what to do two or three times before Kakashi listened. And that had been the practical half of the day when he taught things like proper wound cleaning, how to apply bandages, and how to do the Heimlich maneuver.
Iruka feared he knew why Kakashi had volunteered. This was revenge for something Iruka must have done. Somehow, someway, Iruka had crossed Kakashi without realizing it and he was being punished for it. It was cruel and unusual. Torture and Investigation would love to see this.
For a second Iruka thought about arguing with Kakashi, but decided against it.
"Kazuki, Haruo, Keiko, and Fuyuko," He said instead, "You four are up! Splint and rescue."
The four kids turned to each other and started discussing their game plan while Iruka tossed a pre-cut length of rope at them. The kids chattered until they stood in a circle and played barrier, paper bomb, kunai. Kazuki and Fuyuko lost and dropped into the pit on either side of Kakashi. Keiko threw down two slices of wood and some long fabric strips that the teachers had cut apart Sunday night.
"Um," Fuyuko said, "What leg is broken again?"
Kakashi wriggled his left leg about.
"R-right," the kid nodded and the two of them anxiously approached. "Please stay still, sir."
Kakashi sucked in a groan and jolted, his whole body concaved into itself when one of the wooden splints got rammed into his crotch. Iruka winced in sympathy. The kids, blissfully unaware of what they'd done, set about adjusting the splints into place and started winding the fabric strips over and over his leg until it was completely white.
Iruka directed them on how to tie Kakashi so they could pull him out when he got worried about knots undoing themselves. Fuyuko and Kazuki climbed back out and together the kids started to pull. It was almost funny. Iruka was probably too amused as he watched Kakashi get banged about on the side of the pit. Dirt was getting rubbed into the man's side as he got bopped around every time the kids pulled.
Kakashi didn't whine too much when he finally got pulled over the rim, rolling onto his back as the kids heaved one last time. His hair has matted more than usual, some thin roots stuck out here and there.
The group of kids were quick to forget him now that the entertainment of watching their classmates 'save' him was over. Chatter started back up again, loud and buzzing, while Iruka eyed Kakashi. The jonin wasn't moving, just relaxed on the ground where any other volunteer would be asking to be dismissed already.
Iruka clapped his hands together then pointed at his face as he called out, "1, 2, 3, eyes on me!"
Everyone turned to look at him.
"Now, who wants to learn CPR?" He raised a hand.
While some of the faces in the crowd were blank and bored, several hands shot up.
"Oh," Kakashi purred, "Will you give me mouth to mouth, sensei?"
"Kakashi-san, drowned people don't talk." Iruka chirped and addressed his students, "Proper CPR will commonly cause broken ribs. Please don't break Kakashi-san, but remember that in a real life situation you don't have to be afraid of using more force than you think is necessary."
"So that's a no to the kissing?"
"Be quiet or I'll let them actually poison you for the next event," Iruka replied back.
He paused and looked down at where Kakashi was lying. The wraps on his leg were already starting to fall apart where it wasn't properly pinned into place. One of his forearms was already turning a dull achy purple from where he had been dropped onto a rock. But Kakashi was patiently getting rag-dolled around by the kids without much fuss.
"Maybe ask me some other time."