Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jisung is a problem.

He knows that. He’s emotional and lets it get the best of him. He knows that too.

Fortunately, Chan knew exactly how to avoid these meltdowns. He always had, ever since he first joined JYP, cock-sure and eager to prove himself. All it took was one argument in a late-night dance practice and it was like Chan found all of the buttons Jisung had to push as well as the emergency shut off switch.

After Chan took him under his wing, Jisung tried his best to maintain his egotistical front. He wanted Chan to know he was confident so he wouldn’t begin to doubt his skills. Unfortunately, after one particularly rough vocal lesson, Jisungs walls completely collapsed, and instead of faltering, Chan lifted him up.

There were a few too many nights like that after that.

Eventually they met Changbin. Jisung was definitely skeptical at first, but after getting completely humbled in a rap battle, he had no choice but to bow his head at the boy. He was good.

Turns out, Changbin was exactly the type of person Jisung needed in his life. And he was content- happy, even- with the situation. He found himself hoping he would get to debut with these two. The long nights spent in the studio, the playful bickering, the reassuring presences. Two people who really, truly understood him. 

Then, Chan brought a boy named Hyunjin to practice. He was tall, pretty, and an amazing dancer. Practically all of Jisungs insecurities were thrust into his face by the one person he had trusted with them. Jisung instantly felt less understood.

That was hard, but Hyunjin was quiet and nervous enough that he was relatively easy to ignore. The few words they exchanged were stiff with tension and a silent question of, “What does Chan see in you?” His desire to impress Chan was obvious, and that made him a bit of a pushover when it came to the nasty blows Jisung occasionally delivered. 

Next Chan introduced Felix and Seungmin. They were fine, really, Felix seemed sweet and Seungmin had the voice of an angel but that only caused more questions to arise in Jisungs mind about his own worth in the group. Chan also started to bring Jeongin to practices, a younger boy who Jisung saw frequently attached to Chans hip. He was adorable and lit up any room he was in.

They weren’t close by any means, but Jisung managed to keep it together enough not to explode on all of the boys every single day. He definitely wouldn’t consider himself friends with any of them except for Chan and Changbin, but there was a small image beginning to form in his mind of this group.

A glimmer of hope that they might actually get to debut.

Unfortunately, while his relationships with everybody else slowly began to bloom, his relationship with Hyunjin only deteriorated. He could see the frustration growing in Chans eyes during every argument.

Every little thing Hyunjin did made Jisung mad. It was like nails on a chalkboard every time he opened his mouth, and Jisung was definitely not known for holding his tongue when he was annoyed.

Sometimes, Hyunjin was muttering something under his breath. Other times, he pointed out an obvious mistake Jisung made. Other times, he was doing nothing at all.

Jisung didn’t even need a reason.

It came down to this- Hyunjin was everything Jisung wasn’t: graceful, kind, funny in a soft-spoken way, and absolutely beautiful. 

It wasn’t fair.

The worst part of it all was Chan. Earnestly trying to make them see eye-to-eye.

“Talk to him, please,” Chan begged, a gentle hold on Jisungs hand and tired eyes.

“You talk to him,” Jisung snapped back, pulling his hand away.

Chan never fought back. He always sighed and gently changed the topics, treating Jisung kindly, never like he was a problem to deal with. 

One day, after a particularly bad fight with Hyunjin, Chan reluctantly sat next to him on the dance practice room floor. “Sung-ah,” He whispered, “I don’t know what to do.”

Jisung looked at him and watched a tear fall from his eyes that he quickly wiped away. He inhaled deeply, “Neither do I.” And wasn’t that the problem?

He knew he was difficult and mostly a nuisance, but he could never stop himself. He had to let his emotions out, even if it meant hurting the other person. That was just the way he was raised.

The worst part about watching Chan cry was how silent he was. Jisung had frequently seen him angry- at himself, at Jisung, or at JYP’s constant dismissal- but he had never seen him like this. Utterly hopeless.

“I need this to work, Jisungie. I need it to,” He pleaded, “If it doesn’t, I don’t know what we’ll do.”

Jisung didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t a comforter. He didn’t have words that could peel back layers of anxiety like Chan did. Sorry felt too much like a promise, one that Jisung couldn’t make. Because the truth was he didn’t think he could get along with Hyunjin, not now, not ever.

So, he settled with, “I’ll try.”

Chan didn’t answer, just wiped off his tears and gave him a light pat on the shoulder and walked off.

That hurt more than yelling ever could.

-

He should’ve expected it. Another new member. Of course he had to be the most handsome person Jisung had ever laid his eyes on.

His name was Lee Minho, and he was quiet in a different way from Hyunjin. A reassured and confident type of way. Like he knew he belonged here but not in a cocky way, not in the Jisung way.

And of course, he was also the best dancer Jisung had ever seen. He moved gracefully, in a way that made it look so easy. Jisung stumbled through moves often, struggling to remember the order steps went in, but not Minho. He picked up the choreo instantly.

He felt the familiar feeling sneaking in. The envy that quickly turned to rage.

It was inevitable.

Jisung completely exploded on Hyunjin at practice, probably the worst he ever had. Everybody was in disbelief as Jisung threw out words he had never dared to use before. 

Because why? Why did Chan need to find someone who was a better rapper than him, someone prettier than him, someone who was better at singing, someone who was more likeable- the list goes on. Why was he not good enough? Why was he so easily replaceable?

These feelings of his were strong, perhaps amplified by one too many skipped meals, so strong he needed to force them onto someone else. It was just unfortunate that Hyunjin was the one who accidentally stumbled into him while reaching for his water bottle. 

“Seriously? Can you watch it?” Jisung hissed, pulling his foot back from where Hyunjin lightly grazed him. Everybody immediately turned towards them, Chan already inching closer to stop the inevitable argument.

Jisung noticed Minho’s curious glance, the way he leaned and whispered a question to Seungmin, but opted to ignore it. “Sorry,” Hyunjin whispered earnestly, “I didn’t mean to.” He said while uncapping his water bottle.

Jisung crossed his arms, the words just fuelling his anger, “You never mean to, but somehow you always do. Always right in the way.”

The room fell silent. Felix had even turned off the music. It was just them in the studio, the instructors leaving hours ago long before the sun set.

“What’s your problem with me man?” Hyunjin put his water bottle down and turned to face him with a tired grimace, “I haven’t done anything!”

Jisung actually laughed at that, “Exactly! You haven’t done anything! You never do anything except bat your pretty eyelashes and get whatever you want! You haven’t had to work for anything!” Hyunjins bit his lip at that, visibly upset, but Jisung continued, ignoring the way Chan grabbed at his shoulder. “It’s so easy for you to prance around and be given everything!”

“You think I didn’t work to get here?” Hyunjin asked, genuinely flabbergasted. Jisung spat, “I think you didn’t suffer for it!” 

“Jisung, stop. You’re going too far.” Chan said harshly, pulling the boy back. Jisung ignored him and shoved him off, “You waltzed in here day one like you owned the place just because you’re not totally incompetent in dancing but the truth is you don't belong! Your only talent is flashing smiles and you know it, that’s why you’ve started trying to cling so hard to Chan- because you know that’s your only chance in hell at debuting!” 

Hyunjin’s eyes flashed in anger, “You can’t seriously think that? I’ve worked just as hard as you have, probably even more if we’re being honest, and I deserve this spot! Way more than you do, atleast, since you have the emotional competence of a drowning fish!” 

Jisung clenched his fists, shaking from the rage Hyunjin brought out in him. He can’t even remember what they’re fighting about, all he knows is that he can’t lose.

“Have you ever considered that the one who shouldn’t be here is you? Who constantly degrades and berates his own teammates? Have you ever thought that you might be the problem?” 

Jisung saw black, and the next thing he knew he was on top of Hyunjin. He didn’t even register his teammates' reactions, or the curious expression on Minho’s face. All he saw was Hyunjins stupid perfect face and the desire he had to punch him on it.

Changbin surged forward and pulled him off the boy before Jisung got the chance. 

-

“This was your idea of trying?” Chan asked, sounding genuinely astounded. “Seriously?”

The practice room was dark, the lights flicked off when Felix left the room with a hesitant glance. It was obvious who’s side everybody was on with how quickly they all left to comfort Hyunjin.

The familiar feeling of anxiety thrummed in Jisungs chest while he felt the disappointed gaze of his best friend staring him down. Chan being angry was one thing, but his disappointment triggered a different feeling entirely. One that was much more suffocating.

“Why?” Chan asked quietly, his voice quivering, accent slipping in the way it always did when he was upset. “And don’t give me that ridiculous spiel you gave Hyunjin. Tell me the real reason.”

Jisung paused, then replied, “He irks me.” He didn’t have any other words. No good excuse, no explanation, just the fact that he let his emotions take over again and he said something stupid again.

As soon as the words came out of his mouth he regretted them. No excuse at all would be better than that sad attempt.

Chan's jaw dropped, “He irks you?” He looked at Jisung in disbelief, shaking his head, “You just tried to physically attack him, and the best you could come up with is that he irks you?”

Jisung felt tears begin to form in his eyes, but he forced them back. He knew it. This was the moment Chan was going to kick him out of the group. It was inevitable, his replacements slowly stacking up. His nails pressed indents into his palms.

Nothing lasts forever, Jisung knew that. He just had sort of started to hope that this would.

“Jisung, I don’t get you,” Chan said, crossing his arms. “I thought I did, but now I just… I really don’t know. Do I even know you?”

Jisung felt his heart shatter at that. This was Chan, the only person who understood him, the only person who always stayed at his side and defended him when things went awry. The only person he really felt got him- telling him he doesn’t know him.

Jisung braced himself, taking in slow deep breaths. Trying to keep himself from that ever familiar feeling of getting lost in his head and forgetting how to inhale. He clenched his fists, waiting for Chan to kick him out.

Instead, he turned around and walked away, and something about that felt worse than being told he had to leave the group. “Hyung..” Jisung reached out an arm and quietly called out to deaf ears. The echo surrounded him, louder than anything Jisung had ever heard before. It felt like Chan was completely giving up on him. 

The silence wrapped around him like a blanket- but instead of bringing a warm feeling, it froze him to his core. His knees gave out and he fell down onto the floor, back hitting the ground loudly. He put a hand over his eyes, pathetically trying to stop the tears.

He started gasping for air, sharp inhales so deep it hurt . It felt like his lungs had been punctured by shattered glass. He knew he should sit up, but his arms wouldn’t move. Just like Chan, his body had given up on him too.

So he laid there, racing against a breath he couldn’t catch. The tears were flooding out now and he was filled with overwhelming thoughts of, “you’re not enough.”  

Childish, emotional, over-confident. 

Words that he tried so hard to get out of his head that overran his brain on his worst days, whispered by the voice of his father and etched into the very fiber of who he was.

He couldn’t even process where he was, drowning in the images of Hyunjin’s shocked face, Chan’s disappointed frown, his mother’s heartbroken smile. He flinched at the sudden feeling of something pulling him up.

He couldn’t make out who it was, but a gentle voice whispered, “Han-ah? Can you hear me?” Jisung couldn’t respond, but he tried his best to nod. His hands were wrapped around his own neck, clawing like that would somehow free his airways. 

“That’s ok, you don’t need to move.” The voice said again, “Let me help you, yeah?” 

Hands, warm and steady, surrounded his own. They gently pulled him away from his neck. Tenderly, like he was the most delicate thing in the world, the boy led Jisung’s hands to his heart.

The hands didn’t let go, holding him tightly. The pressure around his palms helped to ground him and make him more present.

“Follow my breath, ok?” He said, and inhaled deeply. Jisung tried to follow, but it was shaky at best. He must’ve had a distressed look on his no face after that attempt, because the voice comforted, “It’s ok, you’re doing your best. Let’s try again.” He took another deep inhale, and Jisung followed.

Eventually, breathing became easier and his vision started to clear.  He kept his grip on the other boy's hands and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, clearing the remains of the blurriness. He was surprised to see Minho crouched down in front of him, so close their knees were touching.

He froze in shock, but didn’t see any judgement in Minho’s eyes. Only gentle concern.

He watched as Minho released his grip on his palms and took a seat on the floor, crossing his legs. Jisung felt a wave of cold hit him in the chest where Minho’s hand once was.

He readied himself for the endless questions, “What was that? Why did that happen? You should be the one apologizing, not the one crying.” That sort of thing. Hell, he hadn’t even had a conversation with the guy, maybe he would start laughing in his face and pull out pictures he just took of him crying.

He had no idea what to expect, feeling incredibly vulnerable next to a practical stranger.

Then Minho tilted his head, eyebrows raised in soft curiosity, “Do you like cats?” 

“I- what?” Jisung asked, voice cracking. “Do I like cats?”

Minho nodded enthusiastically, “Yea.” He paused thoughtfully, “I have three.”

Jisung’s mind was reeling to catch up with the swift change in topic and he found himself unable to respond. Luckily, Minho seemed to pick up on this and he continued.

“Soonie, Doongie, and Dori. You better remember that.” He said plainly, then he paused, taking a deep look at Jisung, “I mean that. That’s a threat.”

Jisung couldn’t stop his startled laugh- loud and unfiltered. His eyes went wide, in disbelief at the turn the conversation took. “You’re threatening me?” Minho nodded solemnly, like it was totally normal that he just guided Jisung through a panic attack and immediately followed up with a threat about his cats.

“Right, ok.” Jisung huffs out, then gives a small nod of affirmation, “Soonie, Doongie, and Dori. Easy enough.” 

A silence filled the air, but not in the way it had just minutes before. This was comfortable, and it allowed Jisung to fully look at Minho for the first time. He had long eyelashes- that was the first thing he noticed- and his features fit his face perfectly. He was really beautiful, in the most real sense of the word.

His hair was parted up the middle, still damp with sweat from practice. 

Right. Practice. Where he had just exploded on Hyunjin and embarrassed himself in front of everyone.

His breath caught in his throat again but he forced it through, coughing out the breath. Minho looked slightly alarmed and gently asked, “Are you ok?”

Jisung sighed, crossing his arms and leaning back on the floor. Minho looked at him with an amused expression as he flopped down.

“Do we have to talk about this?” Jisung groaned.

Surprisingly, Minho shook his head, “No. We don’t have to.” He stopped for a beat, then added, “But you can. If you want to.”

Jisung raised an eyebrow curiously. This was typically the part where Chan would pry open his walls forcefully and make him tell him the truth. Dive into every single thought he had in the past few weeks and why they caused him to react in a certain way. This felt different. It felt like he really had a choice.

Jisung thought about it- here was this guy who he met today. A guy that is so beautiful his heart skips a few beats when he looks at him, but that’s not all he is, clearly. He gently guided him through one of the worst panic attacks he had in a while, and then somehow even managed to make him laugh after.

He didn’t know the guy, like, at all. But he found himself wanting to, so maybe that’s why he did it.

“I do,” Jisung whispered, throat drying up, “Want to. I do want to talk about it.”

Minho gave him a soft smile, then slowly laid down on his side facing Jisung where he sprawled out on the floor. “Then talk about it,” he murmured.

And Jisung did.

He started where it all began, with his parents. His mother, a push-over with low ambition and weak resolve, and his father, a man with a lot of anger at the world and nowhere to put it. 

Their relationship was rocky, and their divorce was prolonged and inevitable. When they finally sat Jisung down and told him they were divorcing, he cried. Not tears of sadness, though. Tears of joy at the thought of relief from endless yelling, and on really bad nights, the occasional sound of a shove or slap.

He told Minho how on his worst days he felt like the combination of all their worst qualities. He told him how the whispered “I love yous” felt like nothing more than obligation, because if they loved him then why would they be willing to put him through that?

He talked about his passion for music. How he found it one night playing around with GarageBand to drown out the sounds of arguing. His fathers adamant disapproval. His mothers reluctant support, that of course only led to more problems in her marriage.

How when his father moved out, he didn’t even fight to bring Jisung. He didn’t even try. He just left him with his mom, another obligation falling into her lap thanks to her weak resolve. He didn’t venture into how unwanted he often felt, but the implication was there, and if the pity in Minho’s eyes shared anything, it was that he understood.

He talked about his anger; at his dad for not caring, at his mom for not trying, at the world for simply making him deal with it all. How he didn’t know where to direct it, how his emotions easily overtook his brain and sent him into a frantic flight or fight where he always chose to fight. How he didn’t want to fight anymore.

Minho stayed silent through it all. Nodding, to show he was listening, offering the occasional hum in response. 

Once he finally finished talking, his throat felt raw. He didn’t know how long it had been, but he felt like a heavy weight was lifted off him.

Jisung looked at Minho nervously, avoiding eye contact. He had never told someone this much by his own decision, only telling Chan when out of his mind and sobbing in his arms. He had no idea how Minho would react to the dump of trauma.

Minho let out a slow breath and leaned in a little closer, “And Hyunjin? Where does he fall into this?”

That was harder.

Truthfully, Jisung didn’t know. It’s why his answers to Chan were so shaky. Hyunjin hadn’t really done anything to him. He seemed nice enough, and saying he didn’t work to be here was obviously a lie. The guy lives to dance, always at the studio and showing up to practice early.

So why?

“I guess…” Jisung started hesitantly. A pinkie interlocked with his own, and he looked down to see Minho connecting their hands. A wave of shock and fear flashed through him, but Minho gave a small squeeze and it was enough to urge Jisung to continue.

“I see him, and he makes it all look so easy.” He said shortly. Minho raised his eyebrows, telling him to elaborate.

So Jisung does.

“He's just, he’s beautiful, you know. Perfect. He doesn’t have to try. He was born that way. He’s a dance prodigy, and watching him at practice makes me feel like I’m falling behind.” He said, but once he gets going, he can’t stop it, so he continued, “He’s not better than me at rapping, not yet, but of course he’s a natural at that too. It’s only a matter of time until he overtakes me at that, too. And then what do I have?”

He stopped just in time to feel a tear start to fall, which he quickly wiped away with the hand Minho wasn’t holding.

Minho didn’t look upset. He didn’t look like Jisung just admitted his inferiority complex in a flurry of words that were probably too harsh.

He looked like he cared.

Cared so much about someone he just met, who he hadn’t even had a conversation with before this moment.

“Han,” he said, with all of the patience of a saint, “You are not a burden. Just because somebody else is talented, that doesn’t take away from your own skill.”

Jisung squinted his eyes, because what does he know? He had literally been to one practice. How would he know if Jisung is talented?

He voiced that thought and Minho rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Anyone with eyes can see your talent. You’re amazing, Han.”

Jisung puffed out a breath and shook his head sadly, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Then, the grip on his hand tightened, forcing his attention. He made eye contact with Minho, who’s gaze was soft, but serious. 

“You’re talented, Han. You’re so talented it’s drowning you,” He said so softly that Jisung almost missed it, “So you mess up sometimes, whatever. It doesn’t make you a failure- it makes you human.”

Another tear slipped loose at that, and it may have been crossing a boundary, some unwritten rule not to attach yourself to a stranger, but Jisungs weak heart couldn’t stop itself. He practically tackled Minho, pulling him into a hug.

He had two thoughts: It was warm, and Minho smelled good.

He pulled away as soon as it started, scared of crossing Minho’s boundaries and his own. 

He didn’t have the words to respond. He couldn’t summon up the things he really wanted to say, so instead, he said quietly, “You can call me Jisung.”

Minho gave a small smile, “Call me Minho-hyung, then.” 

-

Jisung spent all night rolling in his bed. He couldn’t believe he had said all of that to Minho. The poor guy wasn’t even here a full day and he’d already been saddled with Jisung’s ridiculous feelings.

He dreaded going to practice for a multitude of reasons. One, Chan’s mad at him. Two, Hyunjin’s mad at him. Three, the whole team is mad at him- with one exception, which leads into number four. For some reason, Minho might not be mad at him, which had bubbled over into a bunch of confusing questions over night.

Why did Minho come looking for him in the practice room in the first place? Did he know he was in there? Why did he stay, why not run away at the sight of a stranger losing their mind on the gross floor?

Those thoughts led to a spiral into thoughts about Chan, about if he was going to be mean to him today, or worse, completely ignore him. About if his patience (which Jisung previously thought was eternal) was finally going to completely wear thin today. If he would snap on Jisung in front of everyone, and how Jisung absolutely wouldn’t be able to stop himself from crying then.

If Minho would be there to comfort him if that happened again.

So yeah, he definitely did not sleep last night.

As he walked into the JYP building, he was reminded that he also didn’t eat yesterday by the loud rumble of his stomach. Great.

He noticed the building was surprisingly busy today when he stepped into a crowded elevator. The thrum of anxiety filled his fingertips and he tapped them against the wall, confining himself to a corner. He pulled up the hood on his hoodie to try and block out his vision a little. Someone's jacket brushed against his leg and he had to resist the urge to flinch away.

Finally, after what felt like the longest elevator ride in the world, he made it onto his floor and in front of the dance room. He could hear voices inside, which brought back the nervous tingle. He put a shaky hand against his chest, where his heart was pounding, and closed his eyes while inhaling deeply.

Then, he pushed the door open.

The room fell silent. Everybody was sitting in a circle, surprisingly early to practice, and they had obviously been discussing something serious. Probably Jisung’s termination from the group.

The tension in the air was obvious, the awkward energy emitting from the room in waves. Jisung took another deep breath, made sure his hood was still in place on his head, then sat down in the circle without bothering to check who he was sitting next to.

Nobody said anything until Chan cleared his throat, “Nice of you to join us Han,” he said dismissively, then started rifling through his papers.

Jisung’s heart stuttered and he thought it actually might stop with the way it dropped. Tears threatened his eyes but he shook them off aggressively. He built up the courage to look at the group and realized he was sitting next to Felix, who was probably one of the least likely to yell at him, and Minho, who offered him a small smile.

“As I was saying, JYP told me that we need to take this showcase very seriously. He said it could be my- our- last chance.” Chan said, still looking down at his papers. He had bags under his eyes and guilt slowly began to eat at Jisung. His hair looked slightly greasy, and his hands were shaking.

Jisung’s lip quivered, but he kept his mouth shut because he’s always been a coward.

His vision was tunneling, but he couldn’t bring himself to focus on the conversation. He pointedly avoided looking in Hyunjin’s direction. He knew if he looked at him he might lose himself in words he didn’t mean again.

He distantly recognized that they were talking about the upcoming trainee showcase. Chan had told him a few weeks ago that this was super important, that he needed to focus. Now all he could focus on was the feeling of his fingernails pressing into his palms. 

A hand on his shoulder shook him back to reality, where apparently everybody else had already been standing up. He looked up to see Minho standing over him. He wordlessly offered a hand, and Jisung took it reluctantly, allowing himself to be pulled off the ground.

He floated through the rest of dance practice. He knew he made a bunch of stupid mistakes, but he couldn’t get himself to care. His brain was overwhelmed with anxiety and all he wanted to do was climb in bed and hibernate until all of his dumb feelings went away.

Nobody bothered talking to him. He wondered if they were scared to try, or if they were really just that mad at him.

“Jisung?” He registered the calm voice while he was putting his jacket back on. Huh. He didn’t even remember taking that off. “Yea?” He responded, ignoring the way his voice cracked pathetically.

“Have you eaten?” Minho asked, drinking a sip from his water. He somehow looked better today than he looked yesterday. The thought threw Jisung off. He doesn’t normally feel butterflies when looking at people, aware of the looming impending failure of a relationship, but for some reason Jisung can’t stop them fluttering when he sees Minho.

All Jisung could do was shake his head. He didn’t think he could stomach a meal today.

“Hm,” was all Minho said and before he knew it, Jisung was sitting inside the sushi restaurant right across the street from the company building.

When the waitress came over anxiety shot up his spine at the thought of ordering. Luckily, Minho must have noticed because he ordered for Jisung. 

“This is so embarrassing,” Jisung muttered as soon as the waitress walked away. Minho quirked an eyebrow from his seat directly across from Jisung, “What’s embarrassing?” He asked. He looked genuinely curious and it made a frown tug on Jisungs lips.

“I have been acting like such a crybaby around you, and now I can’t even order my own food.” Jisung huffed, leaning back in his chair. His eyes never left Minho’s, who laughed softly. “I don’t think you’ve been a crybaby. You’re just stressed.”

“Food will help,” Minho added.

Jisung bit his lip and threw his head back, finally breaking eye contact, then asked, “What’s your schedule today?”

Minho took the change in conversation in stride, taking a small sip from the glass of water in front of him and responding, “I have my first vocal lesson.” He paused, then murmured, “Honestly, I’m kind of nervous.”

Jisung put his elbows on the table and leaned forward, “Nervous about what? It’ll be fine, I’m sure you’re great.” He honestly didn’t have an opinion on Minho’s singing, he had never heard it before, but his vocal tone was clear and brought forth a lot of chorus ideas in his mind.

Minho hummed quietly, not really answering. A thought came to Jisung’s head and it made him let out a small giggle. That seemed to intrigue Minho, because his eyes fell down to Jisungs lips for a split second and his own lips twitched into a small smile.

“What?” He asked, amused.

Jisung giggled again, “My first vocal lesson, I accidentally threw the microphone at the teacher.” Minho’s eyes widened in disbelief. Then, he let out a small laugh too and Jisung thought it was the most wonderful thing he had ever heard.

“I was trying to take it out of the microphone stand and it just flung out of my hand straight into her face,” Jisung laughed, “I really didn’t mean to.”

Minho shook his head, flabbergasted, “Well I guess my first lesson can’t possibly be more embarrassing than that.” Jisung smiled, a real one this time, and said, “Unless you throw two microphones, that’d be pretty unfortunate.”

He hadn’t noticed before, but Jisung realized how easy it was to breathe, the lingering light-headedness long gone. He wasn’t bracing himself, he was just… here. Existing, with someone who had seen him at his worst and didn’t turn away. 

It was nice.

-

“Jisung,” Chan’s voice prodded him awake. 

He stirred, blinking groggily. He was currently slumped over a desk in the 3RACHA studio. He had planned on getting work done, really, but the restless night and his comfortably full belly urged him to sleep.

Chan’s voice shocked him out of comfort, watching as the older boy flicked the lights on. “We need to talk.”

He looked even more tired than he had that morning and a guilty pang thrummed throughout Jisung’s chest. “Ok,” Jisung nodded, sitting up.

“I’m sorry,” Chan said slowly- deliberately, “For not giving you a chance to explain. For walking out. That was immature and I apologize.” He sounded so formal in his words. It scared Jisung, but he reminded himself that Chan came to find him. He could’ve just ignored him forever if he wanted to.

Chan stared at him expectantly, waiting for an apology he knew Jisung would struggle to give.

He wasn’t the best at saying sorry. His father never said sorry for slamming doors in his face. His mother never apologized for being the epitome of a walking door-mat. He never apologized for stampeding all over the people he’s supposed to call friends with no regard for their feelings. 

It wasn’t how the Han’s worked. Avoidance, absolutely, but apologizing? No way.

“I…” Jisung whispered, then cleared his throat. “I’m sorry,” He stammered. The surprise on Chan’s face made the dam burst and once one tear started, he couldn’t stop the rest of them.

“I’m so sorry, Chan. I didn’t mean to stress you out so much, I just felt so lost and alone. I didn’t mean to take it out on Hyunjin,” He babbled, his voice cracking sadly. Chan frowned, then stepped forward and pulled Jisung up and into a hug. His arms wrapped tight around him, a steady presence that Jisung was oh so familiar with.

Jisung returned it quickly, snaking his arms around his waist and tucking his face into his neck. He knew he was getting his shirt wet, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“I’m so sorry,” he said again, and it sounded like he was begging. 

It was humiliating, having to stoop this low. Not just having to, but not being able to stop himself.

“It’s ok,” Chan whispered, and pressed a soft kiss into his hair. It wasn’t romantic, it never was with Chan, but it was the way he showed his affection. “It’s ok.” He said again, like it was a mantra he was repeating to himself.

After Jisung had finally calmed down and they had started working on music- their typical routine post-argument- Chan reluctantly said, “You need to talk to him.” 

That wasn’t part of their post-fight routine. Usually, Chan would let him avoid the aftermath. Tell him to apologize, but not push on it.

“I mean it, Jisung,” Chan pleaded, “We need him in the team. He’s good.”

Jisung nodded, because that was all he could do. He knew Hyunjin’s good. That’s why it hurt so bad. That’s why he struggled so much to find the words to explain how he felt to Chan. Because he also knew they needed Hyunjin on their team.

“I’ll talk to him,” Jisung promised, and it tasted sour on his tongue, but Chan gave him a small smile and Jisung knew he had no choice. 

He needed to talk to Hyunjin.

-

Later that night, after gruelling rap and vocal lessons, Jisung found himself outside of the tiny dorm Hyunjin and Changbin shared. He had his hand raised in a fist prepared to knock on the door, but he couldn’t get himself to do it, frozen someplace between fear and obligation.

He didn’t even know what he would say. “ Sorry,” felt like a lie. “ I was just having a bad day and took it out on you,” felt useless. “ I feel like you’re better than me at everything and it’s killing me,” was way too raw. 

He almost turned away, but Chan's desperate face flashed in his mind and he sighed in defeat. He slowly rapped his fist against the door, hoping it was loud enough.

Seconds later, he was greeted with the surprised face of Hyunjin, and although he looked apprehensive, he didn’t necessarily look nervous.

There was an awkward moment of silence before Hyunjin settled on, “Changbin is at Felix’s dorm.” 

Jisung coughed out, “I’m here for you,” voice stiff, and forced himself inside the room without waiting for permission.

“Oh yeah, come on in, no worries,” Hyunjin groaned, shutting the door behind him and following Jisung to the couch. “Not like I was going to sleep or anything.”  

The room was silent apart from the sound of a fan whirring, because of course they don’t have air conditioning in trainee dorms.

“So,” Hyunjin said after a moment, “You gonna yell at me some more?” He asked curiously, but Jisung could tell he knew that wasn’t why he was here. Maybe that’s why Jisung let out a small chuckle, probably the only time he’s ever truly laughed around Hyunjin.

“No,” Jisung admitted. He swallowed deeply then forced himself to mutter, “I’m here to apologize.”

Shock flashed on Hyunjin’s face, but he immediately turned his direction to the floor. “Ok,” he said simply. He didn’t push for more, just waited.

“Ok,” Jisung echoed, running a hand through his hair. Then, he groaned, “You know I’m not good at this.”

Hyunjin actually looked amused when he looked up from the floor. He tilted his head, “Good at what? Talking?”

Jisung rolled his eyes, “Well, yes, that. But what I mean is that I’m not good at feelings.” He forced himself to keep going, despite the urge to run away building stronger, “I know I haven’t been… kind.. To you.”

Hyunjin scoffed at that, “Oh really, I hadn’t noticed.” It wasn’t mean, but it was laced with a hint of the grudge he no doubt held against Jisung.

“I deserved that,” Jisung amended, then said, “I guess, I’ve just been trying to scare you off. Because…” He trailed off, fighting off the familiar fog beginning to cloud his vision. Hyunjin kept his facial expression managed, guarded but listening.

“You intimidate me, and I thought if I could run you off, I would feel better,” Jisung whispered.

“I intimidate you?” Hyunjin asked, stunned.

All Jisung could muster up was a small nod.

Hyunjin thought for a moment, then turned to face Jisung, propping a leg up on the couch. “I don’t want to intimidate you. That’s not my goal. I just want to prove that I deserve to be here. To prove I’m not just a pretty face. ” He said, his composure slipping a little, “That’s all I want.”

Jisung hummed, his eyes a little glossy, “I know. That’s what makes it so hard.” Hyunjin looked at him with a new expression.

One of understanding.

It surprised Jisung, because Hyunjin didn’t ask him to elaborate. Didn’t ask him to beg for forgiveness. He just… got it, somehow. It was shocking.

“So, are we friends now or what?” Hyunjin smirked. Jisung laughed, “Yeah right. I think we have a little bit to go to get to that, Hyunjinnie .” He said his name with a teasing lilt, making Hyunjin’s jaw drop in a satisfying way.

He shook his head in slight disbelief, then murmured, “Not enemies, though. Right?” 

He sounded hopeful, and it broke Jisung’s heart.

“Not enemies.” Jisung atoned, and reached out his hand for a handshake. Hyunjin laughed, but when he gripped his hand, it didn’t feel like a joke.

- 

Practice that morning revolved around one thing: the showcase. JYP had guaranteed that it was their last chance, saying that they needed to bring their absolute best, otherwise they could kiss their dreams of debuting goodbye.

Chan took the lead as always, navigating through the group's anxieties like they were nothing. He told them they worked hard and deserved to be confident, that there was no reason they couldn’t debut.

“Why not us?” He had asked, and it echoed around the dance room.

Fortunately for Chan, everybody was able to fully focus on the upcoming showcase now that all of the drama was resolved. The energy in the practice room was good, bumbling with a mixture of nerves and excitement.

At one point during practice, Minho noticed Jisung breathing heavily and wordlessly handed Jisung his own water bottle. A quiet, “Thanks, hyung,” was overheard by Chan, who offered Jisung a confused, but not unhappy, look. One that said “we will be talking about this later.”

The rest of the session went by uneventfully, everybody fully focused on the choreography. They were performing “Warrior’s Descendant,” which had a pretty intense dance. By the end of practice, the boys were all sprawled out on the floor panting heavily.

There was a peaceful silence, unusual for their typical practices. They were always filled with the loud banter of Felix and Chan or Hyunjin and Jisungs non-stop bickering. Today, things were different.

Hyunjin was avoiding Jisung, there was no doubt about it. Jisung was ok with that because it meant he didn’t have to stress about how to talk to him like a normal person. 

Everybody else being quiet though? That was unusual. 

The fear, Jisung thought, everybody is scared.

Because Chan was right. This is their only chance. If they aren’t selected, JYP is definitely not debuting a boy group anytime soon and they were all rapidly approaching the K-Pop “hag” age. If they don’t take advantage of this chance, then that’s it. It’s over, and everybody knows it.

“So,” Felix said, with that deep voice and awkward accent of his, “Lunch?”

Everybody perked up at that, especially Jeongin who had been complaining earlier about his lack of breakfast that morning.

They walked down to the JYP Cafe where Seungmin decided that Changbin would be paying for everyone. “Don’t worry guys!” He had announced, “Changbin-hyung has kindly told me he will be buying everybody's meals.” Changbin’s jaw dropped, but he didn’t object when he dejectedly pulled out his card at the register.

When they got to the table, Jisung ended up stuffed between Minho and Seungmin in the booth. It was a tight fit, definitely not a table made for 8 boys, but they made it work. 

He only felt a little awkward sitting next to them. He had basically spilled his heart to Minho, and oddly enough, trusted him even though they knew each other for such a short amount of time. On the other hand, he could count the conversations he’d had with Seungmin on one hand, and they’ve known each other for months.

Seungmin seemed nice enough, but his composure scared Jisung. He never really reacted to anything, and he was so difficult to read. For someone who was a chronic overthinker like Jisung, this posed some issues. It opened up a lot of room for him to wonder what Seungmin really thought of him, so he tried to avoid him.

“Jisung-hyung,” Seungmin waved a hand in front of his face, “Are you there?” 

He hadn’t realized he zoned out, but when he came back to reality, the whole table was looking at him. He shuffled his feet under the table awkwardly, a red blush creeping up on his neck. “Sorry, I was just thinking about the showcase,” Jisung said. “What’s up?” He asked once the rest of the group started talking again.

“I asked what you got to eat.” Seungmin replied, taking a sip from his coffee.

Jisung shrugged and responded, “I’m not really hungry, so..” 

Seungmin looked at him a little weirdly, but didn’t say anything about it. 

“You didn’t yell at Hyunjin today,” Seungmin observed. It didn’t sound mean, simply curious, but it froze Jisung who was unprepared for that comment. 

“Not sure what you want me to say to that, honestly,” Jisung replied with a nervous laugh, “I didn’t get in a stupid argument today! Woohoo!” He rolled his eyes, but there wasn’t any heat behind it.

Seungmin squinted and then, with all the enthusiasm of a turtle crossing the road, said, “Day fifty-three of the Han Jisung emotional rollercoaster saga: unexpected events occurred today. He appears to have gained some sentience.”

Jisung’s jaw fell, “Day fifty-three of what ?” Seungmin smirked, then turned away from him. “Dude, you can’t just- ok. Whatever,” Jisung crossed his arms and leaned back against his seat.

“Hey man, you started the drama arc,” Seungmin said, grabbing his tray of food from the waitress- ramen noodles- then added, “I’m just the incredibly helpful narrator.”

“The narrator.” Jisung said incredulously, “What, have you been keeping track?”

Seungmin side-eyed him, “Do you want me to answer that?”

Jisung shook his head, laughing, “You’re a menace, for real.” Seungmin smiled and it was shocking. Jisung didn’t even know he had emotions, like seriously, the guy was so stoic. “It’s a love language,” Seungmin responded helpfully, taking a bite from his meal.

Jisung’s stomach growled, but he ignored it, taking a sip from his americano.

“Wait a second,” Jisung realized, “What exactly have you been keeping track of?”

Seungmin pondered, then said, “Well, it’s like a Netflix show. You have a surprisingly bingeable life.” Jisung raised an eyebrow, urging him to go on. This was the most he had ever heard Seungmin speak, and he was surprised to find he was enjoying it a lot.

“Episode one was the great microphone incident, episode twelve was the Hyunjin Water Bottle Battle, copyright impending, and episode thirty four had the scene where you cried on the dance room floor.” He paused, “For like, the third time.” 

And now, he was enjoying it a lot less. “How do you even know about that?” Jisung said, gagged. Seungmin shrugged, “I’m observant, and I love a good K-drama.” Jisung blinked, then decided to play along, “Oh yeah? Who’s my love interest? You?” He leaned in closer to Seungmin, getting in his face.

Seungmin wrinkled his nose and pushed him away, “Absolutely not. You’re going to die alone.” Jisung’s heart skipped a beat, but he ignored it. He knew Seungmin was just kidding, and besides, he absolutely wasn’t planning on falling in love any time soon.

“You guys are making it increasingly difficult to eat my food,” Minho’s voice interrupted the conversation. He looked amused, but also very cramped with the way Jisung’s elbow had started to get closer to him with all of his moving around.

“Sorry, hyung,” Jisung said, “Seungmin’s bullying me.” He pouted playfully.

Minho considered this and then responded, “You are very bully-able.” Jisung gaped, “Now why would you say that?” Minho chuckled and took a big bite of his burger, “Maybe if you weren’t flirting with-”

Jisung cut that off abruptly, “Flirting? I wasn’t flirting!” Minho glared at him, “Really? Your face was like, an inch away from his.” 

Jisung shook his head hard, “No! I was threatening him!” He turned to Seungmin, “I was threatening you!” He repeated, hands flailing in the air. At the joke-mocking looks on their faces, Jisung deflated and sighed, “I need new friends.”

“You don’t need new friends, you need therapy,” Changbin interjected helpfully from his seat across from Jisung. 

Jisung’s shoulders slumped, “Really hyung? Now you join the conversation?” He turned pointedly to Seungmin, “And you! The first full conversation we have and you’re already trying to fix me. How rude,” He huffed playfully, “At least buy me dinner first.”

Minho shoved a fry in his direction, “Try eating lunch first.” He said it quietly enough that only Jisung heard it and he felt a flush rise up his cheeks. He took the fry, but didn’t answer him.

Felix hopped in the conversation, “Are we talking about Jisung’s tv show again? Are we on season two yet?”

“I think probably the season finale of season one, with the big grand emotional redemption arc.” Seungmin answered earnestly.

Jisung’s head was whipping back and forth, “You guys all know about this?”

Hyunjin shrugged, “It’s my favorite show,” and shoved a fry in his own mouth. Jisung couldn’t believe this. Hyunjin! His arch-nemesis turned sort of ally! 

Everybody around the table was nodding solemnly. Jisung thunked his head down onto the table, resigned, then said, “Well hopefully the season two premiere is good.”

He lifted his head up just in time for Chan to respond, “Maybe by the time we get there, we’ll be debuted.” The air shifted, and everybody suddenly looked much more serious.

Their resolves were set, and they would make the most of their chance. If there was one thing Jisung was certain of, it was that this group was talented. If anyone could do it, it was them.

He had to believe in that. 

-

The showcase was a stunning success. 

Sure, there were a few hiccups on the road- like Changbin and Jisung dropping their mics in rehearsal- but in the end, nobody remembered them once JYP announced they were the debut group.

It was surreal. 

The group ate in silence that night, unable to touch their food because of the pure excitement and shock. Their hands were too shaky to hold chopsticks, disbelief evident on their faces. They knew there was a chance they could do it, but actually managing it? That was something else entirely. 

There was also the ultimatum, which hung heavy over their heads like a storm cloud.

“I may remove some members who aren’t quite ready yet,” JYP said, eyes locking with Felix.

Jisung was terrified that at that moment he was going to start naming people on the cut-list. Luckily, he didn’t- instead, he gave them a long schedule for filming and preparations with several deadlines that were scarily close to each other.

If everything went well, they would debut in just a few months. It made Jisung dizzy to even think about it.

“We should start thinking about a group name,” Chan cut through the silence. Minho hummed, but nobody said anything. The air was too heavy, too suffocating.

Chan looked around, taking in everybody’s nervous expressions. He sighed, then said, “Look, I know you’re scared. There’s a chance we might not all make it..” He shook his head, looking unsettled, “But if you give up now then obviously you won’t make it. We have to try our hardest and prove to him that we all deserve this.”

There was a beat of silence before Changbin responded lowly, “We have to do our best. We owe it to them- all of the girls in the other group, I mean. We took their spots, we have to prove it was worth something.” Right, Changbin was friends with a few of them. No wonder he was taking it a little more personally.

 No one argued. One by one, everyone at the table nodded.

Felix spoke loudly, with tears brimming his eyes, “I want it to be all of us.” Jisung’s heart skipped a beat. “All eight of us,” Hyunjin echoed, locking eyes with him. 

Jisung fought back a flinch as he took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe Hyunjin, suddenly acting like they never fought to begin with. It made his chest tighten- with shame, mostly- but also with warmth, a new sensation of feeling wanted.

“Eight or none,” Chan added, “That’s a promise.” The words were heavy, spoken with conviction. He couldn’t really promise something like that, but he would do everything in his power to keep them together. 

Jisung stayed quiet, as he usually did during motivational group meetings. He didn’t have a role in these conversations, not like Chan, the anchor, or Changbin, the glue. Not even like Felix, who’s mere presence brightened up the room. 

But even though he felt a disconnect, he listened. And for once, he didn’t feel like a spectator.

He wasn’t quite part of the team, yet. But he was slowly beginning to realize how much he wanted to be.

“Anyone want snacks?” Changbin asked, breaking the heavy mood. Seungmin laughed, “Of course you have snacks.” 

Changbin groaned something about disrespecting hyungs while he handed out candy bars to everybody. “I’m not hungry,” Jisung declined. Changbin shoved one in his hands anyway, “Save it then.”

Jisung put it in his pocket, just to prevent anybody forcing candy in his mouth. “Thanks, hyung,” he said.

Changbin winked, which made somebody gag in fake disgust. The room dissolved into chaos pretty quickly, which was a welcome change from the previous nervous energy.

-

Minho was going to be the death of him.

After a long day of practicing Hellevator- a song that was seriously way too high for Jisung- all he wanted to do was chug a gallon of water to soothe his aching throat and go to bed. 

But no, he got whisked away by Minho almost immediately after his vocal lesson with Jeongin.

“Come on Hannie-ah, it’ll be fun I promise!” 

In the past few weeks, Minho had taken to calling Jisung cute nicknames as a joke, but that one seemed to have stuck. It gave Jisung a funny feeling in his belly, one that he forced himself to ignore.

“Where are we even going?” He asked, half-tripping as Minho dragged him out of the practice room. The older boy huffed, “Isn’t that obvious? My dorm.”

Jisung blinked, faltering, “Why though?” Minho rolled his eyes, “I’m cooking you dinner,” He said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Jisung opened his mouth, then shut it again.

The weeks had been stressful, and Jisung no doubt had forgotten several meals. He probably lost a few pounds, but he couldn’t find it in himself to worry about it when he was so busy in the studio and at lessons. They had to perfect this song, and he had such a difficult part vocally.

If he messed up, it would put the whole team in jeopardy.

He didn’t think anybody else would have noticed, but Minho had a strange obsession with keeping Jisung well fed. It was annoying and overwhelming, but also kind of thoughtful, so Jisung just went along with it.

“What are you in the mood for, Hannie?” Minho asked, opening his door and leading Jisung inside. His dorm was tiny, likely the result of joining the company so late, and all it had was one bed squeezed into the corner, a tiny kitchen with the bare minimum essentials including a little dining table, and a small bathroom. They would be getting a new dorm soon as a team, and Minho was absolutely counting down the days.

“Umm, whatever is fine with me hyung,” Jisung responded, slipping his shoes off, making sure they were perfectly lined up, and taking a seat at the dining table. “Tsk,” Minho said playfully, “Always so indecisive.” He started pulling out ingredients for japchae.

“Do you need any help?” Jisung asked, even though he already knew the answer. “Nope,” Minho responded, glancing over his shoulder, “Just seeing your pretty face is enough.” 

That’s something new too, the flirting. It wasn’t anything serious- Jisung knows that, but Minho definitely holds no punches. Even though the words are light and airy, Jisung’s tummy twists at them.

He fidgeted with his hands, holding back a smile.

He wasn’t used to the sort of tender words Minho always spoke. He was always waiting for the sound of a slamming door or deliberate silence.

If there was one thing Jisung learned from his past, it’s that love always comes with a price. One that’s too expensive to pay.

His parents were proof enough. Their relationship could hardly even be called love and he certainly hadn’t been alive for a time where it was, but still, they uttered the words and made them false.

As if that weren’t enough, his first attempt at dating went horrifically bad. Two years ago, at the peak of his parents divorce, he was desperate for any kind of positive attention. He met a trainee and he thought they had bonded quietly.

They were both in the closet, so they kept it under wraps, soft words exchanged in dimly lit dance rooms and chaste kisses. 

It wasn’t much, but it felt like it could be something.

Until it didn’t.

One night, the trainee had wanted to take things a step further and Jisung absolutely refused- they were freshly fifteen and didn’t know what they were doing- but the other boy was offended.

The next day, a photo of Jisung kissing that boy was plastered all over the building. The photo was taken expertly, strategically avoiding the other trainees face.

His company told him they’d keep it hidden, but that he would need to find a new company. That’s how he ended up at JYP, heartbroken and terrified. He never heard from the other trainee again, and he hoped it stayed that way. He kept that specific story under tight-lips, not even telling Chan the full truth of what had happened that night.

Since then, he formed a fortress around himself in music. Any feelings he had, he shoved them aside and wrote lyrics about it later. Love didn’t exist, he knew that because he had seen it fail time and time again. Showing affection always ended up coming back to bite Jisung, so he didn’t hand it out freely, if at all.

But then people like Minho and Felix make it seem so easy.

Felix hangs off of whoever’s closest with no regard for personal space. He’s like a personal blanket. He never hesitated to be kind to Jisung, even when the rest of the group was wary of his outbursts.

And Minho.

He just says things like that . Shows kind affection like it’s easy to give out. The notorious back-hug incident hasn’t left Jisung’s mind ever since it happened. He pushed his elbows onto the table and leaned his chin on them. “You’re annoying,” he mumbled, pouting. Minho laughed softly and responded, “You like annoying.”

He had never felt so close to somebody so quickly. Growing up, he had a few friends but nobody he really felt a special connection with. If it wasn’t so cheesy, he would probably say he and Minho were meant to be together. As friends. Nothing else. Obviously.

Minho stirred the pan expertly, like the Gordan Ramsey he was. “Does it make you uncomfortable?” He asked quietly. 

“Does what make me uncomfortable?” Jisung tilted his head, confused.

“When I say things like that,” The older boy responded. He looked concerned, and Jisung realized he must’ve noticed the way he was picking at his cuticles. He shook his head, maybe a little too quickly, and said, “No. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” He took a breath, “It’s just… new?”

Minho nodded, squinting his eyes a little in the endearing way he always did, “You would tell me right?” 

Jisung offered a small smile, “Of course, hyung.”

Minho nodded like he believed him, but his gaze lingered for a second over Jisung’s face. It made his face burn and he felt his cheeks start to heat up. He quickly turned away and looked at the floor and Minho brought his attention back to the pan.

“Food’s ready,” Minho said as he plated it. He put a serving down in front of Jisung then sat down across from him. “Woah, hyung, this looks amazing!” Jisung gasped, shocked. The food looked delectable and Jisung’s fingers twitched in anticipation to eat it.

“I told you I could cook,” Minho said snarkily and took a bite. Jisung followed suit, shoving a giant bite into his mouth, and immediately he moaned around the food. 

“I thought you were just bragging! This is soo good!” Jisung exclaimed, shovelling down way too much food at once. He probably looked disgusting, but he couldn’t help it. When he looked back at Minho, he was looking at him fondly. “So cute,” he whispered, just loud enough for Jisung to pick it up.

Jisung laughed awkwardly and tried to ignore it, but Minho had a different idea.

“You don’t always have to laugh it off, you know,” Minho said, voice soft.

Jisung raised an eyebrow, “Huh?”

“When I compliment you. You always laugh or change the subject,” Minho explained, “You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t matter.”

Jisung bit his lip. He wasn’t trying to be annoying, he just didn’t really know how to handle words like that. He didn’t mean to upset Minho, but the older boy didn’t really look mad. He just looked curious.

Eventually, Jisung set his chopsticks down and wiped his mouth, then responded, “I just don’t know how to respond.. It’s just hard for me to believe.”

Minho looked at him with an unwavering gaze, “Why?”

Jisung almost told him about the trainee that still haunts his dreams, but he stopped himself at the last second. Something about Minho just broke down his walls and made him vulnerable. It was terrifying.

Instead of breaking down in his arms for the second time, he settled on, “I’ve just never really had anyone mean it.”

Minho didn’t look sorry for him. He didn’t look disgusted. He just simply said, “Well, I mean it.”

Jisung looked down at his hands again and whispered, “Okay.”

Minho looked like he was debating something in his head, then smiled, “If you need me to tell you all the time, I will.”

Jisung’s eyes widened, “Oh no hyung, I really don’t think that’s necessary.”

“My Hannie’s so pretty though! I need to tell him as much as possible, yea?” Minho said, laughing around the words. His eyes crinkled so beautifully.

My Hannie. His heart did an extremely embarrassing flip, but he reigned himself in. “Yea, yea, poke fun at your dongsaeng. How rude,” Jisung rolled his eyes with a dramatic sigh.

“Pretty Hannie,” Minho said again, poking him in the elbow with his chopstick, “Get your elbows off the table, it’s poor manners.” 

When Jisung didn’t move, he threatened, “I’ll put you in the air fryer.”

Jisung huffed, but obeyed.

His hyung was so weird. He wouldn't change it for the world.

Chapter Text

Jeongin was crying when he found him.

It startled Jisung. The youngest was always so cheerful and funny, but this was a completely different side he had never seen before. He didn’t know how to react.

Should he leave? Should he go over and talk to the boy? Would he even want that? Jisung wasn’t exactly comforting.

Maybe because he had been comforted so well by Minho, or because the others were making such an effort to make him feel included, he went against everything his heart was telling him.

He slowly walked into the vocal practice room, making sure Jeongin saw him so he had the chance to turn him away. Jeongin’s shoulders were shaking and he was slumped in on himself, looking every bit of the young teenager he was.

“What are you doing here, hyung?” The boy asked, glassy-eyed. His voice cracked, overstrained from both singing and the tears. “I heard you crying,” Jisung answered honestly and took a seat in the chair next to Jeongin.

Jeongin wiped his nose on his sweatshirt, “That’s embarrassing.” Adorable, Jisung thought to himself.

“No it’s not,” Jisung reassured him, “I cry all the time.” 

Yikes, probably shouldn’t have said that, he winced. He tried to think of what Minho or Chan would say to him if they found him like this.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Jisung said quickly, “But if you want to, I’m here. Or I can call Chan-” Jeongin shook his head quickly, “No, no.. I’d rather it be you.”

Jisung’s heartstrings were pulled and a fuzzy feeling overtook him. He knew that logically he was just ashamed to talk to Chan so he felt more comfortable talking to somebody he didn’t know that well, but the words he spoke were ones he’d never heard before.

“Oh- I.. ok. Lay it on me. I’m ready,” Jisung said with a firm nod and an extremely serious facial expression.

He braced himself for the extreme comforting he was about to lay down. He was gonna dry those tears like a pro, he would totally fix this! He would help-

His motivational inner monologue was cut off by a wet laugh, “Wow, hyung! You are terrible at this!” 

Ok, ouch. That hurt.

Jisung clutched at his chest, “Jeez, I tell you to bare your soul to me and this is the thanks I get? I’m hurt, Innie.” Jeongin rolled his eyes dramatically and laughed a little louder this time. His eyes were still wet, but his face looked a little lighter.

“I just… I had a bad vocal lesson,” Jeongin muttered, “They’re usually bad, honestly. But this time it really stressed me out because of the upcoming Hellevator evaluation.”

Their managers had been pretty brutal in their trial evaluation, calling out basically everyone for some big flaw they had. Jisung got off easy. He was just told to work on his stage presence a little. Jeongin, on the other hand, pretty much got told that if he didn’t improve fast, he was out.

Minho, Felix and Hyunjin had pretty similar reviews. It was scary, but everybody was trying to stay strong. Getting down on themselves would only make things worse. Luckily, this wasn’t the televised evaluation, but it definitely caused some panic throughout the group.

“I just feel like the vocal instructors are extra harsh on me… and it’s almost like I can’t do anything right,” Jeongin said sadly, playing with the rips in his jeans.

Jisung frowned, nodding slowly.

“I get it. It feels like every step you’re taking is the wrong one, right? And everyone just expects you to know which way to go, but nobody really gives you a map,” Jisung paused, “Did that even make sense?”

Jeongin’s mouth was open and he looked startled. 

Jisung took that as a sign to continue, “Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard you work, people still don’t believe you deserve to be here. You’re always trying to prove yourself.” He took a deep breath, “Yeah, I understand that feeling.”

Jeongin looked like he never expected Jisung to say that, like he never had the thought that the older boy could ever understand his concerns. “I didn’t realize you ever felt that way, hyung… You’re so talented. Like, a prodigy.”

Jisung raised an eyebrow, “Now you’re just flattering me. I’m supposed to be making you feel better.”

Jeongin gave a small smile, “It’s true, though. All of us younger trainees look up to you. You’re amazing. And you are making me feel better.”

Jisung blushed nervously, shocked at the younger boy's words. “Well, I don’t know about all that,” he laughed awkwardly, rubbing a hand on his neck, “But I do know that all of us hyungs see you, Jeongin. We know how hard you work. You deserve to be here as much as the rest of us.”

There was a long pause.

“Thanks, hyung,” Jeongin whispered.

“Don’t get used to it, I have a reputation to uphold,” Jisung responded, leaning back in his chair. 

Jeongin rolled his eyes, but he had a real smile on his face.

Jisung smiled back.

-

That night lingered in Jisung’s mind. It was like a bucket of ice water dumped on top of his head. He realized for the first time that he wasn’t the only one constantly doubting his own abilities.

It seemed silly, in retrospect, but he had been so caught in his own head that he never considered anybody else’s.

He wasn’t happy that other people in the group were suffering, but it offered him a sense of solidarity. It made him feel less alone.

Their real evaluation with JYP himself was tomorrow, rapidly approaching, and everybody was getting antsy. Jisung wanted to get it over with, the thought of having to hit that high note taking over his brain. 

“Are you nervous?” Changbin asked him. 

They were sitting in their room in the new group dorm. Jisung felt pretty unlucky since he not only got the four person room, his room of course had to have Hyunjin in it. Things weren’t so tense anymore, but Jisung didn’t really know how to behave around him.

His other roommates were Changbin and Jeongin, who provided a nice balance (and kept the room clean). Overall, it wasn’t so bad, but it was a little crowded.

“No, I’m not nervous,” Jisung lied. There was no point in worrying everybody over nothing.

Jeongin side-eyed him but didn’t call him out. “Well, I’m nervous,” Hyunjin mumbled. Changbin looked at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world, “Me too.”

Jeongin nodded, but didn’t say anything. His anxiety was written all over his face. He bit inside his cheek, trying to keep his face neutral.

Hyunjin looked at him oddly and asked, “You’re not nervous for your big solo ?” His tone was mocking, but not unfriendly. It made Jisung’s face burn. 

“Not all of us freak out over nothing,” Jisung said pointedly.

Kind of ironic coming from him, but he didn’t care. Hyunjin didn’t have to know that.

“This is nothing to you?” Hyunjin scoffed and collapsed onto his bed. 

There was an awkward pause where everyone was waiting for Jisung to unleash on him. “Let’s not do this,” Hyunjin said surprisingly softly. His tone froze Jisung. Normally Hyunjin would jump at the chance to unload his stress onto him, and vice versa.

“Wow,” Jeongin gasped, “Character development. I need to tell Seungmin.”

“Shut up,” Jisung said petulantly.

“This will be a huge scene in season two,” Changbin added not-so-helpfully.

“Seriously, man,” Jisung groaned, throwing his face in his pillow.

“They might even put that in the trailer,” Jeongin said. Hyunjin flicked the lights off, and also Jeongin.

Laughter filled the room, but died out soon enough. Everybody’s heads were filled with thoughts of the evaluation tomorrow, the first true test.

They knew they could have their debut snatched away from them at any moment.

Jisung’s mind whirled with other thoughts. Why had Hyunjin backed down so easily?

Obviously Jisung wasn’t saying their performance meant nothing to him, but usually Hyunjin wouldn’t care about that. He’d just take what it sounded like and run with it. For some reason, he decided not to. 

He was oddly mature.

It was different from what he was used to and he didn’t quite know what to make of it.

-

“The only person who stood out was Han.”

The words stung. They brought up an uncomfortable feeling in his chest.

He sat on the floor, back against the wall. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that sitting on a bathroom floor was disgusting but he didn’t have it in him to care.

He tried to take a steady breath, but all that came out was a gasp. He hadn’t realized he was breathing that fast.

It wasn’t fair. All of the others had probably worked even harder than he had, stayed in the studio all night and all day, practiced relentlessly. So why was he the only one that got praise?

Instead of feeling grateful or happy that JYP had noticed him, all he felt was anger. The overwhelming kind that frequently stole his breath away. There were some flaws, of course, but how could JYP say it so brutally?

To Felix, who is nothing but kind to everybody he meets. To Jeongin, who’s so energetic but always afraid of failure even though he’s so young. To Chan, the leader who held the team together.

To Minho. The boy that always managed to know exactly what to say. The boy whose hand he firmly held and squeezed the beat into.

When the evaluation was over, Jisung had stumbled out of the room and ran directly to the bathroom. He knew it was selfish, his team needed him to help them feel better, but he could barely see straight.

He just couldn’t make sense of it.

A knock at the door cut off his thoughts. “Jisungie?” Changbin asked. He wasn’t sure why he knocked, it was literally a public bathroom.

“Yea?” Wow, he sounded terrible. He hadn’t realized he was also crying.

Changbin pushed the door open, took one look at him, and walked out the bathroom.

Ouch, he thought, trying not to take it personally. Changbin had his own problems to worry about. No big deal.

A few minutes of later, the door pushed open to reveal Chan and Changbin. Chan looked worn out, sweat still dripping from the evaluation. Changbin was definitely trying to play it cool, but the tremor in his hands was hard to hide.

“Told you,” Changbin whispered, voice tight. Chan walked over to Jisung and squatted down next to him, “I’m not sitting on this nasty floor,” he joked but concern was evident.

“Why are you here?” Jisung asked sharply. He didn’t want to talk about his selfish feelings right now. Chan had bigger problems to deal with.

Chan raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Changbin crossed his arms and watched from where he was leaning against the door. It looked like he was trying to keep anybody from walking in, which was kind of sweet.

Chan took a deep breath, his shoulders dropping, then without warning pulled Jisung into a hug. It was warm, and his arms were steady around Jisung’s waist. It gave him no choice but to hug back, so he did.

He felt his shoulders trembling, but Chan didn’t comment on it. “Our Jisungie cares so much,” He muttered, rubbing his hand around the youngers back. 

“Selfish,” Jisung mumbled, tucking his head in the crook of Chan’s neck. He could feel his disappointed head shake, “No, you’re so kind Sungie, you just don’t realize it.”

Jisung laughs wetly, “Yea, ok. Han Jisung, known for being the sweetest person in Stray Kids, right.” The group name sounded foreign on his tongue. They had just picked it out.

“Jisung,” Chan pulled back from the hug and took his face in between his hands, squeezing his cheeks, “You are a nice person. You care so much about the people around you that you let harsh feedback make you cry when it’s not even about you.”

Jisung pushed his hands off his face and pouted, “How do you even know what I’m crying about.” Changbin was looking away like he was trying not to intrude. 

This was how it typically went- Jisung crying, Chan comforting, Changbin trying not to watch.

“Because I know you, Sung,” The words were soft, but intentional. It reminded him of that painful night where Chan said the exact opposite.

Jisung sighed, “Why is it always me crying? Changbin, are you sad? Let me comfort you,”  He reached his arms out and made grabby hands. Changbin laughed, but came over and let himself be pulled into a hug, “Silly Jisung,” he said surprisingly gently, “Start coming straight to us more ok? I don’t like having to come find you in gross bathrooms.”

“Yea, we have a studio for this,” Chan added.

“Isn’t the studio for recording?” Jisung asked, very seriously. He wiped his remaining tears off with his sleeve.

“No, clearly it’s for crying. It has great acoustics,” Changbin explained like it was obvious.

“How is everyone else?” Jisung asked, his voice almost sounded like he didn’t want to know the answer. It felt like the temperature dropped suddenly.

Chan looked pained, “Well… everyone’s concerned, obviously. We all are,” He said, “But I think it’ll be a good motivator in the end.”

Changbin bit his lip, “Chan-hyung, you know as well as I do that we don’t have enough time to do everything they want us to do. I mean, three songs?” The words were wary, afraid of the oldest boys reaction. 

It was true though. JYP had told them to split into groups and produce three songs, which naturally meant 3RACHA had to produce three songs. It was a stressful situation, especially because they knew they had to cater to the boys at risk of elimination.

Beyond that, they had to focus on themselves too. Chan had been told yet again that he wasn’t selfish enough on the stage, and Changbin’s dancing could use some work. Jisung had a lot of things he had to work on, apparently including his vocals since it seemed like he was being turned into a vocalist.

There wasn’t enough time in the days for all they wanted to accomplish. That thought loomed over their minds.

“I know,” Chan said, defeated, “But we still have to try. We can do it, I believe we can.” 

Chan would never look so concerned around the team because he knew how much they looked up to him. Around Jisung and Changbin, though, his walls began to fall.

Jisung didn’t know how exactly to respond, so he said the most logical thing: “Can we get out of the bathroom now? It smells terrible.”

Chan gave a small smile, “Yea, we can get out of the bathroom now.”

-

Practice that day was somber. The weight of an impending elimination was heavy in the air. JYP had pointed out so many problems, it felt impossible to tackle them all.

Minho especially seemed withdrawn, which surprised Jisung. He always seemed so confident and calm.

They were discussing their groups, centered around the members at risk of elimination and creating new songs that showcased their strengths and improvement. 

“I want to do School Life with Jeongin,” he said, shocking himself. The younger boy was so terrified and Jisung saw a little bit of himself in the maknae. He wanted to do whatever he could to make him more confident.

The groups ended up being Chan, Seungmin and Hyunjin doing 4419, Minho, Changbin and Felix doing Glow, and Jisung and Jeongin doing School Life.

Hyunjin’s pronunciation was an easy enough problem to fix, so Jisung wasn’t stressing too much about him being eliminated, but Minho and Jeongin stayed on his mind through the preparations. One day in particular, Jeongin had whispered, “I don’t want my voice to be poison to the team.”

Jisung’s heart shattered, but like always, he didn’t know what to say.

So instead, Jisung devoted himself entirely to improving Jeongin. He made a song entirely catered to the boy's voice and charms, allocated lines that would bring out the best in him, and helped guide him with an admittedly shaky hand.

Minho seemed to be struggling, and as much as Jisung wanted to help, he didn’t know how to without risking Jeongin. He just had to trust Changbin to teach him.

Still, when he looked at the corner of the dance room and saw Minho endlessly practicing- and stumbling over- his rap verse, he felt torn.

He hated it. Wanting to be there for so many different people was a new feeling for Jisung and he didn’t know how to balance it. 

“You’re staring again,” It was Chan’s tired voice that drew his attention away. They had just finished their practice evaluation, where Chan was possibly a little bit too hard on everybody, especially Jeongin and Jisung.

“Are you here to tell me I need to be more serious?” Jisung responded snarkily. Chan raised an unimpressed eyebrow, “You’re not the only one that’s scared. Don’t take it out on me.”

Jisung rolled his eyes, “I could say the same to you.”

Chan exhaled, “Let me work with Jeongin tonight.” He didn’t take the bait that Jisung was dangling over his head, itching for a fight to release some of his pent up frustration.

“Why? Do you think I’m not helping him well enough?” Jisung asked defensively.

“No, of course not,” Chan shook his head weakly, “I just know Minho could use some help… and maybe you could too.” 

Jisung faltered, “What do you mean?” Had Chan noticed the way Jisung tended to blush around Minho? He felt a pit in his stomach at the thought of it. 

“I just mean you calm him down, and I think he does the same for you,” Chan said earnestly. 

Jisung didn’t answer right away. He hated the way other people could see that. Such an obvious weakness in his strong resolve. 

The way Minho had become such a grounding presence in his life, completely unintentionally. It was terrifying for somebody who struggled so badly to trust people to have such a massive hole in his walls.

And apparently everybody could see it.

He looked down, biting his cheek, “I have to help Jeongin.”

Chan stepped closer, putting a hand on his shoulder, “And you have been. But you can’t do that all by yourself, just like Changbin can’t help Minho all by himself.”

Jisung puffed out a laugh, “Funny coming from you, Mr. Leader-nim.” Chan laughed back, but then his face shifted to something more serious, “We have to do this all together, Sung. It’s the only way we can make it work.”

Jisung nodded, “Ok, ok. I’ll do mandated hangout time with Minho-hyung tonight. But be gentle on Jeongin, please? He’s really trying.”

Chan gave him a small smile, “Of course. Try and unwind tonight please, you deserve a break and so does Minho.”

Jisung smiled sheepishly, then turned the other way- to the corner of the practice room where Minho was still rapping.

“Hyung,” Jisung called out, making his way towards him, “Want to go get dinner?”

Minho looked up, startled. His eyes were glazed over and sweat dripped onto the floor. It took a second for his brain to register the words, “Dinner?” He repeated. Jisung nodded.

“Right, ok. Dinner. But it has to be quick, I need to practice,” He said quickly, wiping sweat off his forehead using the back of his hand.

Jisung hummed in acknowledgement and led the way out. He figured the JYP cafe would have to do, since they were both busy and it was convenient. When they went to order their food, Minho told the cashier Jisung’s order perfectly. He tried to not let the shock show on his face, and they sat down at a table in the corner wordlessly.

It was quiet and for once, not in the peaceful way Minho always managed to achieve. He looked anxious and Jisung thought it didn’t suit him.

“Hyung,” he said softly- nervously, “Are you doing ok?”

Minho hummed, playing around with the chopsticks in his hands, “Why are you asking like that?” 

Jisung tilted his head, “Like what?”

“Like you’re scared of the answer,” Minho responded. Jisung inhaled deeply. Why could Minho always read him so well? 

“Sorry,” he said, unable to think of anything else.

“Don’t be,” Minho put his chopsticks onto the table, “I’m terrified.” His honesty shocked Jisung. “I feel like it’s inevitable,” he added, totally unhelpfully.

“Don’t say that,” Jisung muttered, tears pricking at his eyes, “You’re too good to say that.”

Minho smiled gently, “I can’t rap, Hannie. I can barely sing. I’m at my limit.” Even though he was trying to play it cool, his face was pained. 

“Stop it,” Jisung said harshly, slamming his hands down on the table, “Just stop. Don’t say those things.” Minho rested his chin on one of his hands and sighed, “I’m just trying to prepare myself…” The ‘and you too’ went unspoken, but it made Jisung feel eight times worse.

“We don’t even know that they’re eliminating people for real. They could just be bluffing,” Jisung rushed the words out. Minho bit his lip, “You know that’s not true, Hannie. It’s ok.”

“So what, are you just giving up?” Anger rose in Jisung, making him clench his fists on the table. Here was his hyung, that he grew to admire so quickly, basically admitting defeat. Saying that he wasn’t good enough. “I didn’t take you for a quitter, hyung,” the honorific said spitefully, fury lacing his voice.

Minho looked at him knowingly, “I’m not giving up. How could I? Everybody’s working so hard to make me improve.” That made Jisung look at him. Really look at him. He didn’t look like someone who was quitting. His eyes still had fire in them. He was just trying to be honest about his feelings to someone he thought he could confide in, and Jisung almost exploded on him.

“You have to do your best tomorrow, hyung,” Jisung stated, his voice shaking, “Please.” He hoped the older boy understood the true meaning of his words. I need you.

“I will. Of course I will.” Minho promised. His hand inched towards Jisung’s. They’d held hands before, several times now actually, but this felt different. 

Memories flickered in his mind. A hallway. A camera. A kiss. A deep voice that said, “I won’t tell anyone.” 

He flinched away abruptly. Minho looked at him oddly, hurt coloring his face.

They ate their meal in silence.

-

Felix and Jisung were cuddling into a couch after their last group practice. Everybody was reluctant to go home, desperate for more training. The evaluation was the next day and everybody knew how much was at stake.

Jeongin had seemed extremely nervous, messing up the choreography several times. Chan was in scary leader mode, Seungmin even more of a menace than usual. Minho was completely silent. 

So, Jisung and Felix were sitting on the couch in the practice room doing literally nothing but wallowing at their impending doom.

“What’s going on with you and Minho-hyung?” Felix asked, his voice echoing around the quiet room. Jisung looked at him, surprised, “How did you know something happened?”

Felix shrugged, “It’s obvious, you’re literally always attached at the hip and suddenly you don’t say two words to each other. Even Hyunjin noticed.”

Great, that meant Chan noticed too. Jisung was surprised he didn’t already get a lecture about his failure to cheer Minho up. 

“It wasn’t anything serious,” Jisung muttered, sinking further into the couch. 

“Not serious, but it’s got you both upset? Yea, right,” Felix said sarcastically, his accent heavy from exhaustion.

Jisung thought about it. How Felix had always been such a safe person to talk to. He was just so kind and had so much love to give, there wasn’t an evil bone in his body.

He thought of the story of him punching a guy back in Australia for saying something homophobic and how he always had the little purple and blue bracelet secured on his wrist.

He thought of the heavy weight burdening him from a story he’s never had the guts to tell.

“Hyung tried to hold my hand and I yanked it away from him,” Jisung whispered, looking around nervously like a camera might flash nearby. His heart was beating out of chest, fingers trembling a little bit. 

Felix looked at him with slightly wide eyes, “Why did you do that?” 

Jisung’s throat felt dry. Words he had never said out loud threatened to spill out.

Felix must have noticed because his face slowly softened. Instead of forcing him to talk, he said, “Just tell me yes or no, ok?” Jisung nodded reluctantly. 

“Did you pull your hand away because you were scared Minho-hyung likes you?” He asked, his voice low. Jisung hesitantly shook his head no. 

“Did you do it because you were scared that you like him?”

Jisung nodded.

Understanding flickered over Felix’s face, and he slowly pulled the other boy into a hug. “It’s gonna be ok, Sung. You’re allowed to feel that way.” He sounded so sure, so confident. His voice was warm and somehow managed to ward away Jisung’s worries.

A tear fell out of his eyes when he responded, “My first relationship didn’t end well.” Felix rubbed a hand up his back, encouraging him to go on. He took a shaky breath and choked out, “He was a trainee with me… and he took pictures. He put them everywhere. It almost ruined my career- it still could.”

He shook his head against Felix’s chest, “I was such an idiot, trusting him like that.” 

Instead of running away like Jisung probably would’ve done, Felix just held him tighter. “It’s not your fault,” he muttered, “You couldn’t have predicted that.” 

Jisung pulled away, “I should’ve known.” Because he had seen the way relationships often unfolded so many times before. He shouldn’t have risked it. He knew he shouldn’t have. He was just so… enticing, it pulled Jisung in before he could realize, and by then it was too late.

“Some people are just bad, Sungie,” Felix said sadly, “You can’t always know who is.”

“I wish it was easier,” Jisung whispered. Felix smiled weakly, “Don’t we all.”

A comfortable silence fell over the room. Jisung thought about what he had just told Felix. Instead of feeling like the world was crumbling around him, he was surprisingly relieved to have gotten it off his chest. For years, he suffered with the fear of his sexuality being thrusted into the world without his permission. Now, he took control and got to tell someone on his own.

He felt empowered, for once.

And to make it even better, Felix didn’t blame him for it. He told him it wasn’t his fault, some people just do bad things. You can’t control everybody. It felt like a small stitch on his heart, beginning to repair an injury he thought would never heal.

“I do think you should talk to Minho,” Felix said hesitantly. His expression was earnest, which made Jisung want to listen to him. “You don’t have to tell him everything you told me, but he appreciates honesty. Just tell him you aren’t ready for a- for something like that.”

He was teetering around the word, ‘relationship.’ Jisung knew it was because that word would make it real.

In this industry, words have meaning. You can’t toss them around without risking the repercussions. Some things were better left unsaid.

“I will,” Jisung accepted, “Before the evaluation, for sure.” Felix sharply inhaled at the reminder of their test, but he didn’t say anything about it. 

“Good,” Felix responded.

“Thank you,” Jisung said, “For this. And for never judging me to begin with.” He surprised himself with the words. Something about Felix just scrambled his brain and made him want to be honest. Probably his smile.

Felix looked shocked, “Judging you?” Jisung shrugged, “Most people find me difficult to get along with.” A fact he had long since accepted.

The other boy seemed distraught by that, though. “I don’t think that at all,” He said. “I don’t think you’ve been around very good people.”

Jisung chuckled, “You’re right about that.”

Felix looked at him seriously, “I mean it. We love you, Jisung- all of us.” At his raised eyebrow, he added, “Even Hyunjin. You’re important to us.”

Jisung bit his lip, “I’m gonna have a hard time believing that.”

Felix pulled him into another hug, “I guess I’ll just have to remind you more often, then.”

His heart fluttered. Here, in Felix’s arms, he felt safe. Somewhere nobody would judge him, or push him, or force him to act like somebody else.

“I’m gonna go eat, you wanna come?” Felix stood up after a few minutes. Jisung shook his head, “No thanks. I ate earlier.”

Felix nodded slowly, but didn’t push. Instead, he slipped something off his wrist into Jisung’s hands and walked out of the room.

When he looked down, he realized he had given him the purple and blue beaded bracelet. Tears threatened to spill out again when he tied it around his wrist.

It fit perfectly.

-

That night, Jisung got back to the dorm around midnight. Relatively late for him, but nowhere near the time Chan always ended up wandering back in.

He figured everybody else would be asleep by now, so he entered quietly. He jumped when he noticed Minho standing in the kitchen, a glass of water in his shaking hands.

Jisung gulped, then walked over to him. If this was their last night together and Minho really did get eliminated, he didn’t want it to end like this. 

Minho didn’t look up right away but Jisung didn’t think it was intentional. The boy was uncharacteristically slumped in on himself, trying to appear small. 

“Hyung? Jisung asked, voice barely above a whisper. Minho blinked and turned his head sluggishly, nearly dropping the glass of water. Jisung grabbed it out of his hand before he could stop himself and put it down on the table.

“Are you ok?” Jisung questioned. When Minho didn’t answer, he started shuffling away awkwardly, “Sorry, that was a stupid thing to ask- obviously you aren’t-”

“Shh,” Minho cut him off. “I’m just getting water,” his voice was hoarse and the rims of his eyes were red. Jisung’s chest ached at the sight.

“I wanted to talk to you… before tomorrow.” The ‘just in case’ went unsaid. Minho didn’t say anything, just stared at his half-empty water glass sitting on the counter. Jisung took a shaky breath, “I’m.. sorry. For pulling away from you.” 

Minho looked at him for a brief second, but quickly looked back towards the glass. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.. I just… am scared.” Jisung said, his voice getting quieter and quieter. The older boy finally turned to face him this time, “I know you didn’t mean to, but it still hurt.” His voice sounded weak and it made Jisung’s heart drop.

The honesty hurt, but it was deserved.

Jisung leaned his elbow on the counter and inhaled a deep breath. He wanted to tell Minho everything, but the voice in the back of his mind told him not to trust the other boy. It was eating him alive.

“I’m afraid of letting myself feel things.” Jisung muttered, voice cracking. He was terrified of how vulnerable he felt around Minho. How easily he was able to peel back his defenses.

Minho leaned a little closer, which Jisung thought was a good sign, and murmured, “I’m not asking you to feel anything you’re not ready for.” There it was- the avoidance of the big words- the ones that would make it real.

Jisung appreciated it, but it also scared him because if Minho was saying that, then did he feel those things too?

The fact that it was possible made it feel even more real, and that was terrifying.

Jisung’s breath hitched and he tried to think of what to say in response. Shockingly, the words came tumbling out, “I think I already do.” It sounded pathetic, brimming with insecurity and fear.

Minho must’ve heard it because all he did was smile tiredly, “I’m not going anywhere.” His pinky gently reached over to Jisung’s, brushing it so lightly it could’ve never happened to begin with.

The older boy’s gaze flickered down to Jisung’s wrist, pausing at the bracelet tied securely around it. He looked back up and promised, “No matter what happens tomorrow.” 

Jisung looked down at their pinkies, still barely touching. “Okay,” he whispered.

They stood in silence for a while after that. Just two people enjoying each other’s company, basking in a moment that they hoped would never end.

-

The next morning came too soon. The boys had migrated over to the couch, talking through the night until they eventually fell asleep. At some point, Jisung’s head had fallen onto Minho’s shoulder, and it stayed that way until he woke up.

He startled awake, pulling away from the other boy quickly. He looked around the room to see if anyone had seen them, but it seemed like everybody else was still asleep.

Good.

He stood up, watching Minho slump further into the couch, eyes still firmly shut. He didn’t have the heart to wake him, so he went into the kitchen to get a drink.

He turned on the coffee pot and leaned against the cold counter, feeling it press into his back.

His stomach hurt. Not in a “haven’t finished a meal in three days” way. More of a “everything is about to be snatched away from me” kind of way. The dorm was eerily quiet, like the calm before the storm, and it only served to unsettle Jisung even more.

Feeling antsy, he went into his room. Everybody else was finally starting to wake up, blurry eyed and sleepless. The stress was clearly affecting the whole team. 

He changed into some jeans and a hoodie and made sure the sleeves were pulled down, completely covering the bracelet that still sat on his wrist.

He made quick work of brushing his teeth, avoiding eye contact in the mirror, then headed back to the kitchen to get his coffee. He realized he probably should’ve waited to brush his teeth until after he drank it, but he wasn’t really thinking all too clearly yet.

When he made it into the kitchen, Minho was holding two cups of coffee. His hair was adorably messy and his movements were sleepy. He looked exactly like someone who just woke up.

He offered Jisung one of the mugs, and Jisung took it with an appreciative smile.

“Did you sleep ok?” Minho asked. The question was loaded, and Jisung wasn’t socially inept enough to not realize what he was truly asking. “Yea, you?” He responded, taking a slow slip of the hot coffee. It was exactly how he liked it.

“Yea,” his smile was soft, but his nerves were evident with his fingers continuously tapping on his mug. How could they not be? Their fates were about to be decided.

There was an aching silence, filled with the pressure of the evaluation. It felt wrong.

Jisung gulped, then reached out. He lightly tugged on Minho’s hoodie sleeve, pulling him a little bit closer. The older boy looked at him curiously, but Jisung didn’t say anything. He hoped his eyes were able to send the message.

By the look on Minho’s face, he thought they did.

After a few moments, Seungmin’s voice interrupted, “This looks cozy.” 

Jisung jumped away, then smiled sheepishly at Minho. He didn’t want to make him think he was going to pull away again- he was just surprised. Minho shrugged, then turned towards Seungmin.

Seungmin was dressed for the evaluation, so he must’ve been up longer than Jisung had thought. He looked surprisingly nervous. Jisung had always associated the boy with stoicism, so the rare flicker of emotion across his face was unnerving.

“Did you leave any coffee in the pot?” Seungmin asked, sliding in between the two boys. Minho nodded, but his eyes didn’t leave Jisung’s. 

Seungmin’s voice was tight, “Everybody’s acting like we’re going to battle.” He filled a mug with coffee and took a sip immediately, no sugar or anything like the heathen he was.

“Feels like we are,” Minho said quietly, ripping his gaze away from Jisung. Seungmin rolled his eyes, “Well, at least if one of us gets eliminated we’ll probably get more views.” It was said jokingly, but Jisung could hear the desperation in his voice.

Nobody wanted any eliminations.

Jisung didn’t even want Hyunjin to get eliminated, which was saying something because a few short months ago he probably would’ve begged for it.

Jisung tried to laugh, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Minho looked at him and tilted his head, asking if he was ok. He flashed a small smile in response. Minho huffed but didn’t call him out.

Seungmin didn’t notice the shared glances.

“Are you guys inventing a new language where you just use your eyes?” Or maybe he did.

His face was completely deadpanned before he chugged the rest of his coffee. Jisung’s own drink had grown cold in his hands, but his body quickly heated up from the embarrassment of getting called out.

Minho chucklef, “And here I thought you were acting differently.”

Seungmin smirked, “I never let them know my next move.” His face fell a little, and he put his hand on Jisung’s shoulder, “I wanted to thank you.” He said sincerely.

Jisung squinted his eyes in confusion and Minho looked intrigued.

“For what?” He asked.

Seungmin checked behind him for anybody listening, then whispered, “Jeongin is really hard on himself. He told me that you talked to him.” Jisung didn’t know what to say. He was surprised Jeongin was telling anybody about that, but he was also a little worried that he told Seungmin everything he said.

Seungmin must’ve seen something on his face because he quickly added, “He didn’t tell me what you guys talked about, but he said he felt a lot better. Plus, you’ve done such a great job mentoring him for this challenge.”

Oh.

That felt really nice, actually.

He never really got compliments from people close to him. Strangers, sure. But people that really knew him and had to see him every single day? They tended to steer clear of that because of his famous ego. 

They also all ended up being about his rapping skill, which was nice, but it felt good to be told he did good. Like, as a person.

“Thanks,” he responded meekly. Seungmin quickly patted Jisung’s shoulder and walked away. He shot a glance over his shoulder, “Don’t let it get to your head.”

“Too late,” he joked as the boy closed the bathroom door.

It was a small moment, but it alleviated a little bit of the tension in Jisung’s shoulders. He hoped it did in Seungmin and Minho, too.

He gave Minho one last look and put his coffee mug in the sink. “I’m gonna go finish getting ready now.” He said.

Minho nodded, “See you in a bit.” His voice wavered.

Jisung tried to ignore his gut telling him to latch on to the older boy and not let go. They had to focus. 

Focus so that they could get the chance to have another night like last night.

-

Their stages went okay. Jisung thought he and Jeongin did well, but JYP had absolutely unleashed on the maknae. He also told Jisung he needed more stage presence and that he didn’t stand out, which burned something inside of him.

He felt guilty about Jeongin’s performance. If he hadn’t flaked off that one night to hang out with Minho, maybe JYP wouldn’t have found so many flaws.

Chan’s group got raving reviews- even Hyunjin, who had of course managed to drastically improve in the past week. 

Minho’s team on the other hand… Minho had forgotten his lines and stumbled over them and Felix’s words blurred together because of his thick accent. Changbin got complimented, but Jisung can’t even remember why because of the looming cloud over the room.

Minho had been crying, but Jisung couldn’t get himself to try and comfort him. Not until they knew for sure.

Now, they stood in a straight line facing JYP. Jisung was on the end next to Jeongin, and Minho was standing front and center. 

“There will be an elimination tonight,” he said. The room froze, temperature suddenly dropping. Jisung looked at the floor because he knew if he looked at anyone else he might start crying and he definitely didn’t want that broadcasted on TV.

He could hear everybody’s breathing quicken. The air was suffocating but JYP had no remorse.

“Jeongin, Minho, step forward please.” 

Jisung’s heart shattered. Of course, the two people he really fought to help were the ones up for elimination. He kept his head down, only listening to the sounds of their feet shuffling forward slowly.

He swore he could hear a sniffle from Felix on his right.

A few terrible moments passed before JYP said, “Minho. You’re going home tonight, I’m sorry.” The words sent a chill down his spine and he felt his heart break in slow motion. He put a hand over his mouth to stifle the sob, still refusing to look up.

JYP kept talking, but he couldn’t hear the words, focusing on breathing and attempting to hold himself together. At some point, JYP stood up and gave Minho a hand shake and then he finally left the room.

Nobody moved.

It was completely silent, filled with a painful realization that this really was happening.

Jisung finally looked up, taking his hat off and pushing his hair back. He put it back on and took in his surroundings. Felix was crying, which wasn’t surprising. Not only was he insanely empathetic, he was also now on the elimination list- which was officially proven to be the real deal.

Jeongin looked shocked, and tears were starting to slowly fall from his eyes as well. When Jisung reached a hand up to his own face, he felt the familiar dampness and knew he was too.

Embarrassment crept up his spine but he tried to push it off. Being caught on camera crying was the least important thing happening right now.

Chan looked crushed on the other end of the room. He looked every bit of the man shouldering the responsibility for the entire group's success. Changbin looked distraught, but he had managed to hold back any tears. 

Hyunjin was crying too, which wasn’t really surprising since he was secretly a big softie.

The most shocking thing to Jisung was Seungmin. The only way to describe his face was absolutely devastated. Tears were flooding out, escaping even his fists that were curled up by his face to try and stop them. He looked completely destroyed.

And Minho.

Standing alone, so clearly trying not to cry. His face was calm, but his eyes so clearly said otherwise.

He didn’t make a move to hug anyone, instead, standing still in silent resignation.

Jisung inhaled deeply and knew what he had to do. He made the first move, slowly walking over to Minho.

Somehow, Minho managed a small smile when Jisung got close to him. It made Jisung’s heart throb. He pulled his arms around Minho wordlessly, squeezing him close. The older boy returned the hug which normally would’ve felt warm but instead all Jisung could feel was desperation.

Something snapped when they started hugging and eventually the whole group was piling on top of Minho in one very wet, very sad group hug.

The next few hours were a complete blur. They had eventually made their way back to their dorm where Minho quietly packed his iconic packing sacks, except this time it wasn’t as funny.

When he left, he hugged everybody good-bye one by one. Finally, he got to Jisung. Their eyes were red and puffy from their amount of tears shed over the past few hours.

“You’re gonna be ok,” Minho whispered, pulling him into a hug. Jisung laughed wetly, “I should be saying that to you.” He gripped the hem of Minho’s hoodie tightly.

“We’ll both be ok.” Minho said instead. He pulled away but kept his hands firmly on Jisung’s shoulders. “Find me, ok? Don’t leave me hanging,” He murmured. Jisung nodded but couldn’t find the words to respond.

Minho tilted his head and frowned, “I’ll see you, Hannie. I promise.”

He gave everybody one last longing look.

Then, he was gone.

Chan abruptly went into his room and slammed the door loudly. Jisung heard the lock click. He found himself bracing for the sarcastic, “Well, guess I can’t go in my room now,” but it never came. Because Minho was gone, and now Chan had his own room.

“Bathroom,” Jisung choked out and ran, shutting the door behind him. He went straight to the toilet and threw up, hoping it was quiet enough that nobody heard.

Everything was hurting, it felt like he had been hit by a truck. It was crazy how mental pain could manifest like that.

He breathed heavily, heaving over the toilet where he had sat down on the floor. His hands were gripping the toilet seat, which was disgusting, but all he could think about was Minho.

He tried to make out the conversation in the living room, but all he could hear was hushed voices and a door closing.

He’d been crying all day, but it wasn’t dramatic. He knew he was on camera so he tried as hard as he could to maintain his composure. Now, though, the raw tears were ripped out of him and it was ugly.

His knuckles were turning white from his grip on the seat and his throat was hoarse. The tears kept flooding while he gasped for breath. 

He pushed himself backwards from the toilet so he could lean on the wall and try to pull himself together. He wiped his face on his sleeve, but the tears kept coming so that was useless.

Minho was gone. He had been eliminated and nothing was going to change that.

It echoed in his chest. He felt fully alone for the first time in a while. The older boy’s presence had grown so strong in his life and he was terrified of what he would do without him.

Minho’s promise of “come find me, I’ll be here,” was kind but made Jisung feel selfish. He didn’t even want to think of how the other boy felt right now, it just twisted his gut and made him spiral further.

He faintly registered a knock on the door but he ignored it. He didn’t have a heartfelt conversation in him right now.

Someone said something right outside the door and Jisung listened as his voice got further away. 

Eventually his tears ran out. He felt so dehydrated and drained. He pushed himself up the wall and wiped his face down with some toilet paper. He didn’t look in the mirror, but he knew he had to look terrible. Face blotchy and puffy.

He took a deep breath and pushed the bathroom door open. Surprisingly, Changbin, Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin were all sitting in the living room. They looked like they had been waiting for him.

That just made him feel worse.

He walked right past them and into his room. “Wait, Jisung-” Felix said, but he closed the door in his face. 

Hyunjin was in bed, mask covering his eyes, but his lips were trembling so Jisung knew he was still awake. 

He climbed into his bed and pulled his covers above his face, hiding in the comfort of the darkness. He just couldn’t talk to anyone right now, the wound too fresh.

He laid in the stillness under his blanket, focusing on controlling his breathing. He hoped Hyunjin wouldn’t complain about how loud it was because he was trying his best to slow it down.

He heard the door push open and he assumed it was one of his roommates, but he was surprised when Seungmin’s voice whispered, “Jisungie?” He didn’t move, trying to will the other boy away.

“Jisung, we don’t have to talk. I just- I don’t want to be alone right now and Felix is with Chan…” He rambled, voice cracking. Jisung didn’t know why he chose to come to him instead of Hyunjin or Jeongin, who he’s definitely closer with, but it made him feel a little warm for the first time since the evaluation.

So, he surprised himself and pulled his covers up and scooted over into the wall. Seungmin looked surprised too, face red and still a little wet. He climbed in, and true to his word, didn’t say anything. 

He didn’t cuddle up against him or try to squeeze in closer. In fact, he was definitely hanging off the edge of the tiny twin bed. He really did just want to be close to somebody, and he chose Jisung.

Luckily, he was out of tears, because if he wasn’t, that definitely would’ve started them up again.

He tucked his chin back under his blanket and closed his eyes, trying to ignore the thoughts swirling in his head.

Still, like a cruel joke, the words Minho should be here echoed in his mind.

He didn’t get a minute of sleep that night.

Chapter Text

The sun eventually crept in and Jisung watched it rise behind the blinds. At some point, Seungmin had managed to fall asleep, soft snoring giving him away.

Jisung stared up at the ceiling. He felt hollow, like a piece of his heart was ripped out. He was walking on a tight-rope, teetering on the edge of falling.

He didn’t want to get out of bed. He knew he had to go to dance practice soon, but his limbs protested every small movement.

Seungmin stirred next to him, sitting up almost as soon as he woke up. “You okay?” He asked Jisung, voice hoarse. 

Jisung didn’t answer, just nodded.

Seungmin didn’t press, just rolled out of bed and whispered, “We probably need to leave for practice in like an hour. I’ll make sure nobody bothers you until then.”

Jisung thanked him quietly and watched him walk out the room. 

Time flew by, and before he knew it, an alarm rang throughout the room signalling him to get up. During that hour, he sat still staring at the roof thoughtlessly. He vaguely registered his other roommates getting up and quietly getting dressed, but he made no move to join them.

He turned his alarm off and stood up, muscles protesting in response. He threw on the first hoodie and sweatpants he could find and went into the kitchen looking like a hot mess.

The room was quiet, but not silent. Seungmin and Felix were speaking quietly near the sink, each holding cups of tea. Changbin was standing over a steaming pan of scrambled eggs. Jeongin was watching some videos on his phone on low volume, Hyunjin leaning over his shoulder whispering commentary every few seconds.

Chan was missing, still locked in his room.

Changbin weakly smiled and offered a plate of eggs to Jisung, “I made you some.”

Jisung took it with a small nod as acknowledgement and sat down at the table.

“How’s Chan?” Jisung forced out, voice raw. Felix looked at him and shook his head sadly.

He stared at the eggs in front of him, feeling his tummy rumble from hunger, but his nerves were making him nauseous. 

He picked up a fork and put it back down a few times until the grip felt completely right, then played around with the eggs, pushing them around on his plate.

Chan didn’t come out until it was time to leave.

Van rides to practice were normally one of the best parts of the day, but today it felt too empty. The space where Minho always sat was noticeable.

Practice was brutal. 

Nobody was in the right headspace. Chan was snappy, Felix was quiet, Jisung could barely move his feet without tripping over the air.

At one point, Jisung messed up and slammed into Jeongin, knocking him onto the floor. Sweet, vulnerable Jeongin who always did his best. The boy Jisung ached to take care of.

“Seriously? Watch out!” Jisung hissed like it was the younger one’s fault, then turned and left him on the ground. He ignored the sharp stares following him while he got back into formation.

Jeongin whispered sorry and practice carried on. 

It didn’t get better. Jisung kept snapping and he felt like he reverted back to the version of himself that he had been trying so hard to get rid of. He didn’t even realize what he was saying until it had already left his mouth.

Chan didn’t even say anything, face completely defeated. He looked like he had lost control.

Hyunjn did, though, “You need to chill out.” He said firmly while leaning against the mirror. Jisung rolled his eyes and didn’t say anything, shoving past the boy to sit on the couch.

He was stopped by a grip on his wrist that he quickly yanked away. “Don’t touch me,” He spat. 

“Stop being an asshole, then.” Hyunjin retorted, crossing his arms. Jisung’s jaw dropped and he stepped closer to Hyunjin. Everybody’s eyes started flickering nervously between them and Chan, like they were waiting for him to do something.

He didn’t. Just watched. Helpless.

“You know, Hyunjin, I thought you had gotten better. Really, I did. But now I see I was just blinded by the pretty fantasy you always try to paint,” Jisung said angrily, “You’re not any better. You’re the same exact wannabe you always have been.”

Hyunjin inhaled deeply, hurt evident on his face. He bit his lip like he was debating saying something, but he ultimately held his tongue.

“Not gonna say anything?” Jisung asked, pointing his finger in Hyunjin’s face. “You’re a coward, Hyunjin. You always run away. It’s pathetic.” The words were an echo of the thoughts that constantly ran through his own head. He knew Hyunjin wasn’t a coward, but he couldn’t stop the words tumbling out angrily.

“Me? A coward?” Hyunjin laughed, and then pushed Jisung off him. “You’re the one acting like an idiot because your boyfriend got sent home, but I’m the coward?”

It was a joke. It wasn’t meant to be mean. It was just teasing.

The word sent blinding rage through Jisung, taking control of his body. He fought the urge to throw punches, he knew that would do nothing. Words would hurt Hyunjin a lot more than fists would.

“You always hide from everything. Acting like it’s all okay when you know it’s not. You’re not a good rapper and it scares you, but you try to hide it by acting confident in your dancing. Here’s the hard truth: you aren’t a great dancer. You will never be Minho-hyung. You’re just a sad placeholder,” Jisung said, words quiet but sharp. 

You could hear a pin drop. Chan was still silent. Hyunjin’s face was shocked and he looked genuinely hurt. Like he hadn’t expected Jisung to go so low.

Felix was surprisingly the one to finally interject. “Alright, that’s enough. I think we just need to call it a day, this isn’t going anywhere good.”

Jisung snatched his bag off the ground and said aggressively, “Yeah, definitely not.” He practically ran out of the practice room, door slamming shut behind him. He heard chatter immediately start up as soon as the door closed, but he tried to ignore it and walked straight to the studio.

He knew the others would probably go back to the dorm, and the last thing he wanted to do was face them.

He was completely disconnected from his emotions, unable to control them right now. He was terrified he was going to say something even worse if anybody tried to talk to him.

Funny, what he said to Hyunjin. All of those words were just a desperate attempt to get his thoughts about himself out of his head. Hyunjin was always the unlucky victim- the one Jisung naturally went for to project his anger onto.

Hyunjin wasn’t a coward. He wasn’t a replacement. Jisung was.

He dropped his bag on the ground and threw himself into a chair, not bothering to turn on the lights. 

He curled his knees into his chest and pulled them tight. He didn’t cry, he had done that plenty last night. He just sat there, let his emotions fester until the shock from what just happened finally wore off.

Now, the guilt was starting to build up. He had blown up on Hyunjin again. For no reason.

Except this time, Hyunjin said something brutal in response. He called Minho his boyfriend, and it terrified him. If Hyunjin noticed that Jisung was getting weird feelings for Minho, literally anybody could have noticed.

Then, it would get back to the company, and he would be back at square one.

He remembered the look on Hyunjin’s face while he absolutely berated him in front of everyone- a look so familiar because he saw it in the mirror so frequently. In the moments when his brain wouldn’t shut up about how little he was worth.

Those thoughts of his replaceability made him feel terrible. He wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Except he did. Not only that, he forced them onto someone he was supposed to call a friend.

That was unforgivable.

The urge to get his feelings out rose again, and he put his feet back on the ground while scooting his chair up. He turned on his computer and opened his project files. They were a mess of half-finished ideas and unorganized chaos.

He opened a new one, and got started.

The track he was making was rough around the edges and completely brutal, but it was so very him. It made him feel like, just for a moment, that everything might be ok.

He finished the track after a while, saving it and closing out. He looked at the time and was surprised to see the day had blown by. His stomach rumbled as if reminding him just how long he had been there.

He felt a little better after translating his feelings into music. He didn’t write down any lyrics, but he didn’t really feel the need to. The goal wasn’t to create an actual song, it was just to release some anger.

He didn’t want to go back to the dorm any time soon. He knew two things: either a long conversation was going to be awaiting him, or complete silence would be.

Neither option sounded particularly exciting.

So, he stayed in the silent studio.

With a clearer mind, he started to reflect on the day. Something his school counselor suggested when he was forced to go to a session after a few too many silly arguments.

He leaned back in his chair, the wheels squeaking loudly. He thought about how quickly his familiar rage came back.

He had thought he was done with that after growing closer with the members. The magic of friendship and all that. He never thought it could return so quickly and with more force than he had ever felt before.

He missed Minho. Of course he did. But when he thought about it, really thought about it, he knew that couldn’t be the only reason he bubbled over so badly. If it was just that, he wouldn’t be yelling at Jeongin of all people.

He wouldn’t be willing to cut so deeply into Hyunjin.

The feeling reminded him of his first day of middle school. He had begged his parents for a new backpack. His old one was falling apart and he knew the kids at school were going to make fun of him. 

They never had a ton of money when he was growing up, so when his mom surprised him with a new backpack at breakfast that morning, he instantly started crying.

His dad came downstairs and was furious. Not only because his wife had spent money on such an “unimportant thing,” but because his son was a crybaby. He always cried, whether he was happy, sad, angry, or upset. It was his body's first reaction to just about everything, and his father hated it.

He had snatched the backpack out of Jisung’s hands and took it straight to the garbage can. Jisung could only watch helplessly as his dad threw it away. His mother just stood there and let it happen, as she always did.

He never had control over things in his own life. His sexuality getting outed, his parent’s constant issues with both him and each other, and now, his group falling apart at the seams. 

It’s why he did things so differently- it’s why he was so strict with food, why he was so adamant on making lists every time they went to the grocery store, why he needed to flick the lights on and off several times before deciding they were good to go.

He needed that control. It was the only way he could feel sane.

Minho getting eliminated was like a piece of a puzzle slipping out of his hands. He completely lost control over it, which made it impossible to complete the rest of the puzzle.

“You’re not the only one that’s scared,” Chan had said once. He was right. He knew that now, after getting closer with the members and finally trying to understand who they were. But fear looked different on everyone. His always came out as fire.

He wished it was different. It wasn't like he meant to ruin every relationship around him. That’s just the way it always went.

The faint hum of electricity was relaxing, like white noise filling the room and calming him down. His hands were still trembling, but he felt like he could breathe completely normally for the first time all day.

His thoughts were painful, but sorting them out and taking a second to listen to them helped him make sense of his feelings.

He knew he was going to have to apologize to Hyunjin. He knew that this whole time, but now he felt like he would really mean it. He also needed to apologize to Jeongin- and honestly, probably just the whole group. He treated everybody poorly today.

He also wanted to talk to Chan. He wanted to return the favor that the older boy so often gave and try to comfort him. Minho getting eliminated was nobody’s fault, but Jisung understood the self-blame all too well.

He needed to talk to Minho, too. He was probably struggling and knowing him, he wouldn’t reach out first. He’s so selfless, and he definitely (correctly) assumed Jisung would be freaking out. He wouldn’t want to burden Jisung.

It’s with that thought that he pulled out his phone and typed out a simple message.

[hannie] 12:32 AM

hey

He didn’t expect Minho to answer since it was so late, but his phone buzzed right after he set it down on the table.

[minho hyung] 12:32 AM

hi

everything ok?

Classic Minho. Asking if he’s okay, when Minho was the one suffering. Jisung rolled his eyes and typed out a response.

[hannie] 12:33 AM

i wanted to check on u

how are you?

The other boy typed for a while- so long that Jisung started playing BlockBlast while he waited. He started to wonder if he was going to respond at all when the notification popped up.

[minho hyung] 12:36 AM

im fine, ig. today was really weird. i woke up this morning to go to practice even though i didnt have it. and my dorm feels so quiet.

Minho was back in his old shoebox dorm. It sent a pang through Jisung’s heart thinking about him having to go back to living there all alone.

Before he could change his mind, he sent a message.

[hannie] 12:37 AM

can i come over?

[minho hyung] 12:37 AM

bring ice cream or im not letting you in

He thumbs’d up the message and jumped up from his chair. He hadn’t actually thought Minho would say yes, but he wanted to offer to be there for him. His heart was beating a little faster in his chest.

When he stood up, his legs felt a bit wobbly. He had been sitting for hours. He goofily stretched for a minute to loosen up then picked up his bag and headed out.

There was no way he was gonna stop by his dorm to get clothes, so he was just gonna have to wear what he had on. He probably smelled bad from practice but he knew Minho wouldn’t complain. After all, he was very familiar with the post-practice stench himself.

He stopped by the marketplace in the lobby of JYP. It was a small little store where people could buy snacks. It was mostly healthy, promoting a diet to the idols of course, but even the support staff had to eat and everybody loves ice cream.

He opened the freezer and looked at the expanse of Ben & Jerry’s flavors. He knew Minho’s favorite flavor was, hilariously, The Tonight Dough. So, he reached in and grabbed one of those as well as raspberry cheesecake for himself.

He quickly paid at the self checkout and started walking to Minho’s dorm. It was surprisingly chilly and Jisung was grateful he decided to wear a hoodie.

He spent the whole walk rehearsing a long speech about how he was there for his hyung in this hard time. It sounded completely fake so he quickly scrapped that idea and decided to just go with the flow. That stressed him out too, but Minho would probably laugh if he sounded like an idiot and that didn’t seem too bad.

When he reached the dorm, he hesitated in front of his door for just a second. Then, he knocked gently.

Minho opened it quickly, almost like he was standing there waiting. He had on a hoodie and sweatpants and his hair was a little damp. His eyes were red. He looked at the ice cream in his hands and raised an eyebrow, “Did you get spoons?”

Jisung pursed his lips, “Do you not have spoons?” A silent beat passed before Minho broke out into a grin, “I guess we’re eating with forks.”

He stepped aside, letting Jisung into the room before closing the door. “You seriously don’t have spoons, hyung? Are you a heathen?” Jisung asked, completely floored.

Minho shrugged, then sadly whispered, “I haven’t gone shopping yet.” Jisung inhaled deeply and set the ice cream on the counter. “How are you really?” He asked while digging for a fork in one of the drawers.

He pulled out two and handed one to Minho. Then, he jumped up on the counter and sat down, opening up his ice cream.

Minho was watching him fondly and it made his hands tingle.

“I mean…” He started, opening his own ice cream, “I’m obviously like, not happy.” He looked uncomfortable. Like the words were hard to get out.

Jisung figured they probably were.

For someone who was so good at taking care of other people, he wasn’t very good at talking about his own problems.

It pulled at Jisung’s heartstrings as he took a bite from his ice cream. 

“What’s your plan, then?” Jisung whispered like the answer scared him. “You’re too good to quit, hyung.” 

Minho gave him a small smile, “Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t want to quit, but there’s no way I’ll debut now. I’m just getting too old.” 

Jisung frowned and set his ice cream down on the counter. He hesitated, then reached a hand out slowly, latched it onto Minho’s wrist, and pulled him closer. Minho’s skin was cold, a deep contrast to the heat radiating off of Jisung’s hand.

“You’re not too old,” Jisung whispered softly, “You’re not done yet. You aren’t out of time.”

Minho didn’t say anything for a moment. Just let the words simmer. His hand had wrapped around Jisung’s and his thumb was rubbing circles onto his wrist absentmindedly.

“You really think that?” He gulped. His eyes were pleading. Jisung nodded slowly, “Of course I do.”

Minho let out a shaky breath, then leaned forward and bumped his forehead against Jisung’s shoulder. Jisung resisted the urge to jump away, heart starting to speed up in his chest.

“I missed you,” Minho murmured.

“It’s only been a day, hyung,” Jisung gently teased. Then, “I missed you too.”

After a few seconds of silence, Jisung inhaled sharply. “I really messed up today,” he admitted. Minho lifted his head up to look at the other boy. He tilted his head, encouraging him to continue.

“I yelled at Hyunjin. And Innie. And everybody else too, probably. It’s kind of a blur.” The words were spoken so quietly, he was surprised Minho even managed to hear him.

He braced himself for Minho to yell, to tell him he was wrong. Instead, he asked, “Are you going to apologize?”

Jisung nodded quickly, “Of course.” Minho smiled gently, “Then it’s fine.”

Jisung’s mouth fell open in an o shape. Was it that easy? 

“You’re not a bad person, Hannie. How many times do I have to say that before your pretty little head understands?” Minho poked him in the forehead. It made Jisung’s heart flutter.

He stared at Minho for a beat too long.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Minho flicking Jisung’s knee, then leaving his hand to rest there. Jisung’s gaze flickered down to it for a second, and he felt electricity shoot through his body.

“Like what?” Jisung asked innocently.

“Like I said something special,” Minho responded. Jisung smiled faintly and didn’t respond, picking his ice cream back up and taking a bite.

Minho followed, and for a few peaceful minutes they ate in silence. At some point, Jisung’s eyes wandered over to the clock and he was surprised to see it was nearing two in the morning.

Then, Minho spoke again.

“Can you promise me something?” Jisung looked at him. His gaze was sharp, and he ran a hand through his hair, “Next time you feel like you’re gonna explode, talk to somebody before it happens. Don’t bottle it up again. It doesn’t have to be me, just please talk to someone.”

Jisung waited for a beat, then nodded. He smiled cheekily, “It’ll probably be you though, Minho-nim.”

Minho shoved him playfully, “Yah. You were the one telling me how young and youthful I am.” Jisung laughed and took another bite of his ice cream. He was surprised to look down and see he had eaten more than half of it. “Can I put this in your freezer?” He asked.

Minho nodded and took another bite of his before putting the lid on it and shoving it into Jisung’s hands.

He rolled his eyes, but jumped off the counter and put both of their cups into the freezer.

He paused awkwardly, unsure where to go now. “I guess I’ll be leaving then,” he said. Minho’s eyes widened, and he looked like he was in deep thought. 

Then, he said softly, “You can stay if you want.”

Jisung fought his instincts to flee. He wanted to stay, but his silly squirrel brain had other ideas. He ignored it and asked, “Are you sure? I don’t wanna bother you.”

Minho huffed, “You could never bother me. Do you have clothes?”

Jisung shook his head, looking down at his dirty outfit, “It’s fine. I can just-”

“Nonsense, come borrow something,” Minho interrupted, walking over to his dresser. Jisung followed him over. The other boy shoved a pair of grey sweatpants into his hands, then pulled a hoodie off of a hanger in his closet and handed it to him.

“There’s an extra toothbrush in the bathroom,” Minho said and pulled off his own hoodie. Jisung watched his shirt rise up, a peek at his tummy poking out, and quickly turned away. He fought the blush threatening to rise up and went into the bathroom with a muttered thanks.

He looked at himself in the mirror for the first time all day. His hair was sticking up oddly and his face was puffy. His eyes were somehow still a little red, and the bags under his eyes were aggressive.

Yikes.

He quickly stripped his clothes and put on the ones Minho gave him. The hoodie was a little oversized, perfectly drowning him. He had to roll the waistband on the sweatpants to keep them from falling down.

He shoved his nose into the hoodie, unashamedly in the privacy of the bathroom, and inhaled the smell of Minho. 

A little bit of laundry detergent, a little bit of cologne, but so clearly him.

He quickly brushed his teeth and made his way back out into the main room. Minho was already in his bed, covers pulled up to his chin. Jisung walked over awkwardly, “So should I sleep on the floor?” 

Minho deadpanned like “ seriously?” and lifted the covers, signalling for him to climb in. 

So he did.

His bed was warm and the scent of Minho surrounded him as he tucked himself into the covers. The twin bed was tiny, and he was trying to avoid brushing against Minho in fear of making both of them uncomfortable.

“Can I hug you?” Minho said, stopping that train of thought instantly. Jisung’s heart hammered in his chest, but he found himself nodding. Minho moved slowly, like he was afraid of scaring him off, and wrapped his arms around Jisung’s waist.

Jisung stiffened for a moment, but quickly relaxed into it. He felt safe.

Minho’s arms stayed above his hoodie, gripping it loosely. It was intentional, clearly avoiding crossing boundaries Jisung hadn’t even thought to have.

“Do you remember our first conversation?” Minho muttered. Jisung looked at him curiously, the shadow of his features standing out even in the dark room. “Of course. It was pretty hard to forget,” Jisung responded sarcastically.

A smile tugged at Minho’s lips and he said, “Did I ever tell you why I went looking for you that day?”

Jisung was suddenly scared of where this conversation was going. He rolled over to fully face Minho, whose arms didn’t move from around him. His face was practically pressed into the older boy’s neck and he looked up to make eye contact. “No,” he said simply, voice shaking a little.

“I thought you were beautiful,” Minho whispered fondly. His tone sent a tingle down Jisung’s spine. He didn’t let Jisung respond, quickly adding, “That, and I saw myself in you a little.” 

“Huh? What do you mean?” Jisung asked. He had never thought they were all that similar. Sure, they got along amazingly, but he thought it was more of an opposites attract sort of thing.

Jisung was loud, Minho was quiet. Jisung was abrasive, Minho was calm. 

Minho was good.

You get the point.

“I used to be a mess when I was younger. Back before I started dancing.” Minho admitted. His ears were turning red like he was embarrassed, but he continued, “I was very mean to people. I didn’t have a reason for it, it was just who I was. No tragic backstory, no dark past, just me.”

Jisung almost didn’t believe him. The older boy had never been anything but kind to all of them. Sure, he was mean in a sarcastic way, but he was always joking. Nothing he ever said had any real bite to it.

But he knew Minho. He wouldn’t lie, especially about something like this.

“I threw myself into dance. It wasn’t really like magic, I didn’t suddenly become a good person. But eventually, with the people I met and the happiness I felt in the studio, I was able to translate my feelings into proper words. Stop lashing out so much, you know?” Minho said. His voice was gentle, but it was nervous too. He probably hadn’t told many people this story.

It made Jisung feel so warm. He felt trusted and it made him nuzzle closer to Minho. He tucked his face into the older boy’s chest and whispered, “Thank you for telling me.”

Minho responded quietly, “Thank you for listening.” Then, gently, his fingers found Jisung’s cheek and tilted his face up.

He looked at Minho in surprise. The older boy didn’t move his hand, just softly holding, and asked, “Do you know why I told you that?” 

Jisung shook his head.

Minho hummed and said, “Because you deserve to know that you’re allowed to make mistakes. Everybody makes them. It’s natural. All that matters is whether or not you know you’ve made them.”

Jisung fought the tears forming in his eyes. Minho was just always so caring and kind and it made him feel emotions he didn’t even know he was still capable of feeling. The fingers on his jaw were warm and reminded him of where he was.

“You’re too good, hyung,” he whimpered, “You know you can also make mistakes, right? Nobodies mad at you.” Minho looked shocked, like he hadn’t thought Jisung would realize his insecurity.

He had wondered earlier when nobody on the team heard anything from Minho, but he wasn’t positive. Now, though, he was confident that Minho was just afraid of their anger. He thought the team would be upset with him for getting eliminated.

Jisung took another breath, then reached his hand up to hold onto Minho’s. He pulled it off his face and slid their palms together. “It wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could.”

Nothing could’ve prepared him for the tear sliding silently onto Minho’s cheek.

Minho pulled his arm off Jisung for a split second to wipe it off, but it didn’t go unnoticed at all. 

“Thank you, Hannie,” Minho murmured, voice a little rough, “Seriously.”

They laid in silence after that, their heartbeats syncing. He didn’t want to close his eyes, afraid if he did he would wake up and realize this was all a dream.

He stayed there as long as he could, breathing in the moment. He was pretty sure Minho had fallen asleep, but even then, he tried to fight it off. Their hands were still latched together, and Jisung could feel the other boy’s pulse in his wrist.

Eventually, he lost the battle, the haze of sleep taking over.

-

The next morning was a blur of scrambling out of bed and running straight to the JYP building. Jisung completely forgot about their meeting with JYP and didn’t set an alarm.

While he sprinted outside, he sent a quick text to Minho who was still sound asleep.

[hannie] 8:54 AM

i had a good time last night. thanks hyung <3

He barrelled into the room where JYP had already arrived. As he slipped into his seat hastily, all of the eyes in the room turned to him. They all looked annoyed, camera crew included, but something about Chan’s gaze was downright pissed.

He knew he didn’t look good- still in Minho’s clothes and hair unbrushed- but at least they would probably edit his blotchy skin a little to please the fans.

The meeting went by pretty quickly, JYP basically just talking about how they need to be modest and humble. At one point, he asked if everyone had calmed down after the elimination and Jisung nodded too quickly in response, catching the eyes of a few doubtful members.

JYP also mentioned how it was inevitable that they were going to fight as a group and how they need to be prepared, which was kind of funny given the extremely tense atmosphere at the moment.

He also said they need to look inside themselves and see their own flaws before pointing out other peoples. 

Jisung saw his flaws plenty. That was the problem.

Once he finally left and the camera crews shuffled out, everybody’s masks dropped instantly.

They all looked a different form of exhausted, emotionally and physically. Chan looked even worse than he had yesterday, and Jisung knew he definitely wasn’t getting any sleep.

Hyunjin also didn’t seem too good, but Jisung was actively trying to avoid looking at him so he put that on the back burner. One apology at a time.

Jisung glanced around the room and made his decision.

“Hyung, can we talk?” He approached Chan quietly, as if the other members couldn’t see him either way. Changbin looked at him curiously, but everybody else was trying to act like they weren’t listening.

“Alone,” Jisung added for safe measure. All Chan did was nod then walk out the door. Jisung took that as a sign to follow and he wasn’t too surprised when they ended up in their studio nearby.

The lights were dim and they made a faint humming noise. The two boys sat next to each other on the couch, an awkward gap in between them.

Jisung tried to find words, but he hadn’t prepared for this. He knew if he tried to plan an apology he would chicken out of it and run away like he so often did.

Now that was biting him in the butt, because Chan’s expression only got more annoyed the longer they sat there. Jisung could feel electricity in his skin where his gaze burned into him.

“Are you gonna say anything?” Chan asked, voice uncharacteristically sharp. Jisung winced, but figured he deserved it.

He let out a breath and sat on his hands to keep them from fidgeting, then answered, “How are you holding up?”

His response clearly shocked Chan, whose mouth dropped open. He knew the older boy was expecting him to immediately start grappling for an apology. He knew he should be saying sorry, but all he could think about right now was his concern for Chan.

The leader was always so dependable, keeping his head high even through seven long years of broken promises and missteps. He was a steady shoulder to cry on and completely unwavering.

Right now, he seemed to be a sad shell of that, and Jisung knew he was partly to blame. That’s why he had to prioritize fixing that first.

“I- I mean, I’m… that’s not the point here Jisung,” Chan stammered out. 

Jisung shrugged, “Maybe not. But it’s important,” he paused, “Your feelings are important hyung.” 

Chan flinched back, eyebrows jumping high. “What is this? An intervention?”

Jisung pursed his lips thoughtfully, “I guess. I don’t really know what I’m doing, to be honest. I just think you need someone to talk to and I’m willing to help out.”

“Minho is rubbing off on you,” Chan murmured, pointedly looking at the hoodie the younger was wearing. Red flooded Jisung’s cheeks and he put his hands up to hide it.

“Really, though, talk to me.” Jisung basically pleaded, putting his hands back down to his knees. He played with the string on his sweatpants, twirling it around one of his fingers.

“I don’t know,” Chan said hesitantly. Jisung tilted his head, “You can trust me, hyung. I want to help you.”

Chan bit his tongue, then said, “Can I really trust you not to tell everyone what I say?”

Jisung blinked. That… hurt, and also felt uncalled for. What had he done to Chan to deserve that kind of doubt?

Jisung voiced that thought. 

Chan actually laughed at that, “Well, you haven’t exactly been the most wonderful person as of late.”

That stung. Tears started filling his eyes, and he felt like he was ten years old all over again.

“You’re not exactly the smartest student are you?” His father said meanly after one bad report card. Then, he rolled his eyes dramatically, “And here come the tears. God, you’re such a baby. What did I do to deserve getting stuck with you?”

He pushed the memory down and took a deep breath. Chan was struggling and projecting it onto him, a feeling he knew all too well, and he tried not to take it personally.

“I know that,” Jisung said firmly, “but anything I’ve done isn’t relevant right now. We’re talking about you and how you need to get these feelings out. If you seriously don’t trust me, that’s fine, but you need to talk to somebody. ”

Chan raised an eyebrow meanly, and all it did was bring out the dark bags underneath his eyes. His jaw tensed, and for a second, Jisung thought he might actually listen. 

“That isn’t relevant? God, Jisung, eighty percent of our problems right now are your fault! You’ve single-handedly brought the whole team down from hell into the pits of Tartarus! I didn’t even know that was possible!” The words ripped out of Chan, forceful and blunt. 

Jisung actually flinched at that. He pulled himself further into the armrest of the couch, creating as much space as he could between them. Hearing somebody he looked up to so much say those things about him made his heart feel like it was ripped in two.

“That’s not fair and you know it,” Jisung whispered, trying to keep his voice from cracking.

Chan huffed, “You know what isn’t fair? I’ve been working my whole life for something that’s so close to my reach, but for some reason, every time it starts to look like it might actually be obtainable, something like this happens! Every. Single. Time.” 

He looked almost rabid, completely unlike the typical composure he always tried to hold. 

“And what is this, exactly?” Jisung asked, afraid of the answer. “Do you mean me?”

Old thoughts of Chan kicking him out of the group resurfaced in his mind. He didn’t know if the older boy would even be allowed to do that now that they were on the survival show, but he really didn’t want to find out.

This felt like one of his worst nightmares. Chan finally realized who Jisung was, and was completely turning his back on him.

Chan must’ve finally noticed the look on his face, expression faltering. He put a hand on his chest and pushed against it, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. 

When he reopened them, he looked a little more sane. “Of course not,” he said, not quite softly but a drastic change from moments before, “I meant Minho getting eliminated.”

Jisung’s shoulders sank in relief, “Right. Minho.” There was an awkward beat of silence.

“I thought you meant me,” Jisung admitted, “I thought you were gonna kick me out.” He struggled to get the words out. Being honest with people was not his strongest point.

Chan’s face softened, “I could never do that, Sungie.” He scooted his chair closer to Jisung and reached out to grip his hand, squeezing it firmly. 

“You were my first kid, of course I can’t leave you behind.” 

The words were so tender, Jisung had to bite his cheek to stop himself from crying again. He stared down at their joined hands with glassy eyes.

“You can’t say stuff like that after yelling at me. You’re giving me emotional whiplash,” Jisung tried to joke, but his voice cracked a little. Chan laughed softly, then said, “You’re right. I’m sorry, I had a lot of pent up stress and I took it out on you.”

“I’m familiar with that feeling,” Jisung said dryly, then added seriously, “I meant it, though. You can talk to me.”

Chan pulled his hand back and crossed his arms, gulping, “I feel responsible for all of you. Minho getting eliminated was a massive failure for me and I’m terrified that you all blame me for it and we won’t be able to move past it.” Once he started speaking, the words kept flowing out.

“Nobody blames you,” Jisung assured, his voice certain. “If anything, we all blame ourselves for not helping him more.”

Chan looked like he wanted to argue, but he didn’t say anything. His eyes dropped to the floor and his fists clenched.

“You know,” Chan said, “When I first met him, he scared the hell out of me.”

Jisung blinked, surprised, “Minho hyung?”

Chan nodded and smiled, “He was so quiet and composed. I was worried he wasn’t taking it seriously enough, like he wasn’t competitive enough. But the more I saw him, the more I realized how much of himself he gives.” He paused, “How he is able to hold everybody up, without even realizing. I admire him.”

His gaze flicked back over to Jisung, “It reminded me of someone else I know.”

Jisung raised an eyebrow, “Who?”

Chan scoffed playfully, “You, Jisung. He reminded me of you.”

Jisung shook his head, “You need more sleep hyung, I think you’re starting to hallucinate.”

“Maybe,” Chan responded, “But I mean it. You guys are so similar, it’s scary. If I didn’t know any better, I might even call you soulmates.” Jisung resisted the flinch at that, because soulmates didn’t mean relationship. 

It didn’t mean all of the scary problems that came with that word.

If he really thought about it, he would agree with Chan. Him and Minho were like… chopsticks.

They sat in silence for a moment before Chan said, “This goes without saying, but you’re planning on talking to Hyunjin right?”

Jisung groaned and threw his head back, then reluctantly nodded.

“Good,” Chan stood up to leave, then turned to look back on Jisung, “By the way… I do trust you. And I’m proud of you.”

Jisung’s heart exploded, blush rising on his face as Chan walked out the room. That was… a difficult conversation, but it ended with a warm fuzzy feeling overtaking his whole body.

He realized how much Chan cared about him, and that maybe Chan needed the kids just as much as they needed him.

He pushed himself up off the couch and forced himself to walk towards the practice room. 

They had to really get started on their performances for the JYP vs. YG battle, which everybody was admittedly very excited about. 

He was surprised to find himself in the practice room before everybody else. When he walked in, the lights were off. He flicked them on and off a few times then walked over to the couch and slung his bag down, then took off his jacket.

He wasn’t used to being there before everyone else, and the silence of the studio slightly unnerved him. Not just because he was typically running in at the last minute, but because everybody else was just usually early.

The thought made his chest ache. He took a deep breath, reminding himself he had to be better today.

Jeongin walked in first, which made Jisung shoot up out of his seat. Another member that he owed an apology too, but luckily, he figured this one would probably be the easiest.

“Jeongin!” He said, probably a little too enthusiastically. He quickly wrapped a hand around the boys wrist and dragged him over to a corner of the room in case anybody else walked in.

Jeongin’s lips were open in surprise but he didn’t say anything besides, “Good morning, hyung?” With a question lilt.

Jisung winced, “Yea, that might’ve been a little aggressive. I just wanted to talk to you before anyone else got here.” He pulled his hand off Jeongin and scratched at his neck.

Jeongin tilted his head, “About what?”

Jisung blinked, “I want to apologize… for yesterday.” He thought after forty apologies in the past few weeks he would be better at it, but he still found himself forcing the words out.

Jeongin didn’t say anything, just leaned against the wall with an unreadable expression.

Jisung took that as a sign to keep going. “I was upset, and I took it out on. I’m sorry I shoved you and didn’t apologize sooner,” He rushed the words out, tripping over his tongue.

Jeongin hummed thoughtfully, “Yea, I would appreciate it if you weren’t mean to me again honestly, but it’s fine. I knew you were upset.”

Jisung shook his head, “You trusted me… and I went and did that to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me so easily.” 

For a second, Jeongin didn’t respond, then he took a step forward and bumped his shoulder against Jisungs, “Seriously, it’s fine. I still trust you, just try to avoid body checking me next time, yea?” He walked past Jisung, a playful lilt in his voice. 

Jisung followed him with his gaze and realized Felix had walked in and that’s why Jeongin was escaping the conversation.

He gulped, then followed the younger boy. 

As the other members began to trickle in, he went through his mental checklist. First, apologize to Chan. Check. Next, apologize to Jeongin. Check. 

The last two items were exceedingly more difficult.

Apologize to the whole group, and apologize to Hyunjin.

It felt like he had a big red exclamation mark in his head over Hyunjin’s name, warning him of the impending conversation. Boss fight approaching!

He thought of what Seungmin said about his life being a k-drama, and he imagined this as the big confrontation episode. The one where everything quickly goes south and instead of being the protagonist, he was the bully everyone was rooting against.

Once everybody had made it into the practice room, Chan closed the door and called everybody to sit in a circle. Jisung sat between Felix and Chan, and he found himself feeling comforted at the presences next to him.

He hadn’t talked to Felix since the fight with Hyunjin, but he knew the other boy could never stay mad at anybody for too long. He also thought back to what he said during their conversation, “We love you, all of us.”

That’s probably what gave him the confidence to interrupt whatever Chan was saying at the moment.

“Guys,” he said, voice shaking. He avoided eye contact with everybody, but he was sure their faces were shocked at his disrespect.

He picked at the hem of his shirt, finding a string and ripping at it. He was probably messing up the shirt, but he needed something to do with his hands.

“I need to say something,” His voice cracked pathetically and came out a lot quieter than he meant it to. He felt a hand grab his and flinched in surprise. 

It was Felix. He looked over at the other boy who had a reassuring look on his face and offered him a small smile in return. Then, he turned back towards everybody, avoiding eye contact.

He inhaled deeply, then admitted, “I know I’ve been awful. To everybody,” he paused, “Especially Hyunjin.” 

He dropped his gaze to the floor. He felt the words choke up in his throat and for a scary second he didn’t think he’d be able to get them out.

Then, he felt a gentle squeeze around his palm. It grounded him and propelled him to continue, “I was scared, I’m still scared.” The air shifted, and when he finally looked up at everybody, looks of gentle understanding surrounded him.

He still avoided looking at Hyunjin.

“I took it out on you all and it was unfair. I made practice miserable. I don’t expect you guys to forgive me, but I wanted to apologize anyway.”

The words simmered in the air, like electricity before a lightning storm. 

“Season 2, episode 3, the Han Jisung Redemption Saga continues,” Seungmins voice cut through the air, completely deadpanned. 

Jisung laughed awkwardly at that, then realized he definitely had some tears on his face. Embarrassing.

Felix leaned into him and whispered softly, “I’m proud of you.” It warmed his heart.

“Dogpile?” Changbin asked with a devilish grin, and Jisung suddenly felt way less sentimental as he shot up and scampered back towards the wall. 

He couldn’t escape them though, and the whole team quickly jumped on top of him, knocking him to the ground. Somebody was holding his head to keep it from hitting the floor, but he wasn’t sure who.

For the first time in a few days, everybody was laughing and smiling, all uncomfortably squished against each other. 

Everyone except for Hyunjin, who watched wordlessly while biting his cheek and crossing his arms.

He told himself that was a problem he could deal with later. For now, he let himself breathe and fully lived in the moment surrounded by the people he loved.

Chapter Text

Jisung hadn’t talked to Hyunjin yet.

He didn’t have the time, not with the shocking itinerary change that resulted in a full day of activities and travel that was supposed to be a “vacation.” 

Their practice the previous day had been interrupted by a staff member coming in to announce their alleged day off. Apparently, a day of filming was considered a break.

So, they spent the whole day completely draining Jisung’s energy and social battery, visiting different locations like the beach and the ice rink. It was fun, but he was so tired and dreamed of curling up in bed and absolutely passing out.

The van, which was way too small for a group of eight boys, finally pulled off the road. He could practically feel himself sinking into bed while he got out of it.

His dreams quickly crumbled when he took in their surroundings.

They had parked in front of a beautiful house surrounded by the forest. All good things, really, but there was a noticeable camera crew setting up right outside near the fire pit.

“Hey, this looks sick!” Changbin shouted enthusiastically. Everybody voiced similar feelings and Jisung’s stomach twisted. Of course he was the only one not interested.

He gulped and followed the boys inside the house where they played a game to decide who had to cook. He managed to scrape by, but feared for his future when he realized Chan lost. The man could somehow manage to over-salt the ocean.

So after an extremely salty meal, they all sat down around the fire pit. 

The sky had darkened and the stars were visible, something Jisung wasn’t used to in the city. The fire crackled in front of them while cans of Coke Zero were passed around.

Jisung hugged his knees to his chest and let the warmth from the flames heat him up.

The conversation started silly- everybody reminiscing on good memories. Hyunjin said something that made Jisung laugh and he quickly turned his head to avoid making eye contact.

Felix talked about some of his more embarrassing moments as someone who doesn’t really speak Korean and Chan brought up the great microphone incident again as if everybody hadn’t heard that story a dozen times.

Jisung felt light and even added some stories of his own, including the time he walked in on Jeongin singing Candy Store from the Heathers in just a towel and a shockingly pink shower cap.

Somehow, the conversation started to shift. It started with Chan, a quiet but earnest, “I’m so grateful for you guys.”

Jeongin had responded, “Me too… but I wish hyung was here.” The atmosphere took on a much more somber feeling, and Jisung was all too aware of the cameras just a few feet away.

Nobody spoke for a moment, just listening to the fire pop quietly. Chan nodded slowly, “I know he’s like, still at JYP and everything, but it feels like he should be here. With us.”

Felix smiled playfully, “He was so good at keeping us all in line. Your job is extra tough now Channie-hyung.” Chan side-eyed him, but the corners of his eyes wrinkled with his smile. 

“He was probably the only person who could keep Jisung in line,” Seungmin added. Jisung whipped his head to face him, “That is so not true!”

Changbin raised an eyebrow as if to say, “Really?”

“You’re making it sound like he was my keeper or something!” Jisung groaned. Laughter filled the air when Chan responded pointedly, “Isn’t he, though?”

Jisung couldn’t help the small smile forming. He grabbed a handful of grass and threw it at Chan, “Yea, ok, maybe a little.”

It was quiet again for a few minutes, much to the disappointment of the camera crew. He could hear them whispering ideas to get the boys talking.

He just wanted to live in the moment. With the people he truly felt comfortable around. Who constantly saw him at his worst and never ran away from it.

Even Hyunjin.

Who he called a coward, but never ran away from anything. All of the countless pointless arguments and confrontations, the nights of back-to-back insults. Even through that, Hyunjin never strayed. 

Felix, who was in a completely new place with completely new people struggling to learn a language he didn’t know. Always so kind and compassionate and understanding , even when he was no doubt struggling himself.

Seungmin, always there, a reassuring presence. Jeongin, who can so easily maneuver Jisungs bad moods and brighten up his day. Changbin, who always seems to know exactly what Jisung needs.

And Chan. There since day one, a solid pillar in his life.

The tears formed in his eyes before he even realized it and he quickly wiped them off. He surprised himself when he opened his mouth and started filling the silence, “I appreciate you guys so much.”

His voice cracked, and everybody looked over in surprise. He forced himself to gaze directly at Hyunjin, “All of you. You all have taught me so much.”

No one said anything. Even the camera crew had gone completely silent. 

He knew nobody expected those kinds of words from him, and that’s why he wanted to keep going. To really show them how much he meant them.

“I know I’m a difficult person,” he admitted gingerly, still wary of the cameras, “Before recently, I didn’t really know there was any other way to be.” 

He picked at his fingers, trying to look around at everybody and gauge their reactions. Surprisingly, the only way he could describe it was fond.

“You guys showed me that there are other ways to express my feelings, and I am definitely still bad at that but I promise I’m trying to be better.” His voice was hoarse. 

He could only hope the editors would be kind enough to cut the moment out, because he was thoroughly embarrassed by his vulnerability.

Chan was the first to respond, as always, “We see that, Sungie.” 

Felix quickly nodded too, “We’re so proud of you.” Jisung swore he could see tears in his eyes. 

Changbin leaned forward and added, “You don’t need to be better. Just keep being yourself and growing, that’s all we want.”

Just keep being yourself.

His chest ached. He was so confused. His jaw was open, waiting to catch a fly.

“We love you, hyung.” Jeongin said, and he sounded so sure. So confident. Throwing around a word like that with no fear. Seungmin nodded next to him, eyes tight like he wanted to say more.

He skipped over Hyunjin, sparing himself that reaction.

His brain was looping the words like a train under a Christmas tree.

Just keep being yourself. We love you.

We love you.

A word he ran away from because of his memories of it. A word he swore to never say again. So easily used.

He was so lost, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had hoped, of course, that the other boys cared about him as much as he cared about them, but he didn’t expect to hear it so plainly stated.

The conversation shifted but Jisung stayed out of it, trying to calm his thoughts. His head was reeling, but for once, it wasn’t in a bad way.

He felt overwhelmed by love.

Then, he felt someone beside him. He was surprised to see Hyunjin standing over him. His face looked awkward and the words sounded forced when he asked Jisung to talk.

Jisung didn’t answer, just pushed himself off his chair and followed Hyunjin. Nobody commented on them leaving, probably scared they would back out of the long-awaited conversation if they did.

They didn’t go far, just to the pavilion they had been cooking at earlier. Just out of earshot of the group.

Jisung scuffed his shoe against the dirt, noting Hyunjin’s expectant look. He whispered quietly, “I’ve been trying to find the right time.”

Hyunjin gulped, “There isn’t one.” He said honestly. Jisung swallowed and nodded. He didn’t know what to say, words struggling to form in his throat.

Hyunjin must’ve noticed because he spoke first, “You really hurt my feelings.” The words were sharp, but Jisung could hear the fear laced in them.

He was scared Jisung was going to use this conversation against him in the future, and Jisung couldn’t blame him.

“I know,” Jisung responded simply, pulling the zipper on his jacket up and down. 

Hyunjin inhaled deeply, “I know you’re hurting. I can see that, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for me to be your punching bag.” His eyes were turning glassy, and Jisung felt guilt bubbling in his stomach.

“I know,” Jisung answered again.

The other boy looked like he was getting annoyed, but he continued anyway.

“I’m hurting too.” Hyunjin said, then paused, “And you’ve helped cause that.” 

Jisung bit his tongue, but it looked like Hyunjin was done speaking. The message was clear: it was his turn.

“I’m not going to ask you to forgive me,” he started, “because I don’t think you should.”

Hyunjin looked surprised, eyes wide like a deer in headlights.

“All of the things I said to you were intentional. Things I knew would hurt me. ” Jisung said, words heavy. He started picking at his cuticles. The atmosphere felt heavy despite the light mountain air.

Jisung muttered, “I’m sorry. I targeted you because I knew it’d be easy. Because you care so much. Which is a good thing. It’s a good thing that you care so much and I always take advantage of it, which isn’t your fault.” He knew he was rambling but he couldn’t stop the words tumbling out.

“You know what sucks?” Hyunjin said after a moment of silence. Jisung tilted his head, intrigued.

“I know all of that, and I still care. It still hurts,” he admitted.

Then, Hyunjin said softly, “I can’t forgive you. Not yet, atleast.” Jisung nodded slowly, trying to stop his heart from racing. 

If Hyunjin was still mad at him, they would keep causing problems for the group. The absolute last thing Jisung wanted was to keep causing issues.

“I’m not mad anymore, though,” Hyunjin said, like he read into Jisung’s mind. He looked doubtful, but he continued, “I know you’re trying. I see that… I saw that tonight. I just can’t promise we can try to be allies or something right now. Not when it’s so fresh.”

Jisung let out a shaky breath, “Okay.”

Neither of them moved to hug dramatically, or shake hands under the pretense of a truce. 

A small piece of Jisung craves that. He wants to reach out and wrap his arms around the other boy, probably for the first time ever, but he restrains himself.

When Hyunjin turned to walk back to the fire, he didn’t storm off. He walked just fast enough for Jisung to stay a few paces behind him.

Honestly, it went better than Jisung expected. He knew Hyunjin wouldn’t forgive him, he didn’t even want him to. He didn’t deserve it, but he was going to work hard to earn that right.

He was going to prove to everybody he could be better.

But first, he was going to finally curl up in bed and get a good night of sleep.

-

The news came the next morning- they would be competing against YG in an all-out battle.

Everybody was beyond excited, eager to prove that they were worthy of their debut spot. 

Everyone except Jisung, of course.

Out of all the companies they could’ve had to face, of course it had to be YG. Jisung’s old company.

The one that haunted his nightmares and left him with a sense of constantly being watched.

He could almost smell the sterile practice rooms. The ones that molded his constant need for validation and fear of being replaced. 

Because that’s what he was at YG. A voice to be crafted into perfection and easily exchangeable.

“This is our chance to prove ourselves!” Felix said excitedly at his seat across the table from Jisung. They were eating at a small pizza restaurant near the company, one that Jeongin had been begging to go to for weeks.

They went there to celebrate the upcoming competition, but to Jisung, it felt like they were celebrating his funeral.

He bit his lip and played around with the pizza on his plate. “What should we do for the freestyle stage?” Seungmin asked, straight to the point.

The group looked thoughtful until Changbin threw out the idea of a dramatic poetry reading which caused some laughter.

When Jisung didn’t react, Chan looked at him questioningly, “Everything ok?” His gaze flicked down to his full plate but he didn’t comment on it.

Jisung sighed, then said quietly, “YG is my old company.”

Everybody was quiet, faces surprised. He hadn’t even told Chan or Felix that detail, in fear of further investigation.

Seungmin cleared his throat, “I guess that makes this personal.” Then, he smiled menacingly, “Let’s kick their asses.”

Jisung liked the thought of that, which is probably why he ended up suggesting a 3RACHA rap unit for the freestyle performance.

Everyone loved the idea, even Hyunjin. Jeongin said, “There’s no way 3RACHA could lose to YG. Let’s show them what they’re missing, right hyung?” He smiled at Jisung in the contagious way he always managed to.

It felt nice having people around who he could trust. He was grateful they didn’t interrogate him about his past at YG, instead immediately changing the topic to their own performances. Hyunjin apparently had a hilarious idea for their dance routine that would make it stick out.

His thoughts filled with the echoes of the YG vocal rooms, a harsh mix of whispered sweet nothings and aggressive corrections in lessons. He could almost hear the sound of the building's door closing behind him for the last time, locking him out of a place that was once a large part of his life.

He felt the familiar anger building in his core, but instead of wanting to lash out, he found himself motivated to win.

It reminded him of a certain song, one that he wrote with Changbin and Chan when they first started working together.

“Matryoshka.” He said out loud, interrupting whatever story Felix was telling to the table. “We have to do Matryoshka.”

A song about having your layers peeled back and constantly coming back from it. The very essence of the way Jisung had been feeling so much recently.

Changbin smirked and pointed at him, “I like the way you think.”

Yea, they were gonna win.

-

The next few days passed by in a flurry of practices and late night “team bonding.” Chan said that was more important than ever with the upcoming team battle.

“Our strongest point is our chemistry, JYP himself said that,” Chan had explained during mandatory Monopoly night (which was a bold game to pick considering it always ended up starting a war).

He also had been spending his limited free-time texting Minho. He was trying to stay in touch as much as possible, but they were both busy. Minho hadn’t taken a break from practice after the elimination, pushing himself to work even harder instead.

[hannie] 4:41 PM

how was ur day

u went to the studio right?

[minho-hyung] 4:42 PM

i worked on some new choreo

wby

how was your practice?

[hannie] 4:42 PM

surprisingly good. me and hyunjin have been civil enough so thats calmed it down a bit

everyone is excited for the battle

the dance is also really fun

The choreography Hyunjin had been working on was really good. 

Jisung knew he was talented, but this was a different level. He was seriously impressed.

Everybody was extremely motivated to win the battle, and it made Jisung feel fuzzy knowing that they were doing it partially because of him.

Obviously they were doing it for their own pride first and foremost, but the fact that YG was Jisung’s old company still lingered in the back of their minds.

Jisung especially was working double time. He was constantly in the studio trying to perfect his lyrics, vocals, and dance. He had a lot to do in so little time and he was adamant that he would deliver a perfect performance.

Everything felt like it was going extremely well. They had the stages divided up perfectly and the tracks Chan was working on were really good.

So naturally, everything had to crash at some point.

They showed JYP their performances a few days before the battle so he could evaluate if they were good enough. Jisung, Chan and Changbin went first. It was a safe bet, they knew they were good.

“Chan, I think you should focus on the other performances.”

Jisung was fuming. Changbin looked even more upset, and Chan was just in pure disbelief. 

JYP had told Chan he needed to drop out of the rap performance. He was a core part of 3RACHA and he was just going to remove him like it was easy?

If even Chan wasn’t good enough, what chance did he have?

To make matters worse, JYP continued: “Jisung, your flow was… disappointing? Or should I say, boring. You still lack stage presence.”

He knew he was slacking, but it felt like a slap in the face to hear those words out loud. He had been letting the battle against YG drive him too hard and he had been overworking, even he could see that.

The word “disappointing” looped in his mind, sending a shock through his body that he had to resist the urge to flinch at. 

Naturally, his drained state caused him to stumble over a few words. Still, the terrible review was hard to hear.

That set a bad tone for the rest of the performances.

The next to showcase was the vocal group: Seungmin, Jisung, Chan and Jeongin. They were performing As If It’s Your Last by Blackpink, but mixed heavily to reflect their image.

He kicked Jeongin out of that group, saying he hadn’t shown any growth and his voice was still suffocating.

Jisung’s heart broke at the expression on their youngest member's face. He had been working so hard to receive JYP’s approval, and he just seemed to get more and more negative feedback every day.

The dance performance was a success, at least, and he said all eight of them could stay in that group. It was a relief that he didn’t leave anybody out completely.

That night, Jisung crept into his room, wearing Minho’s hoodie that he had kept from a few weeks ago and a pair of comically large shorts.

The hoodie didn’t smell like Minho anymore, but it was still a comfort to have. It helped ward against the memory of JYP echoing in his mind.

He was surprised to see a ball curled up in Jeongin’s bed, tucked completely underneath the covers. 

Jisung tilted his chin and bit his lip, determining how he wanted to approach this.

His head was telling him to walk right out and close the door behind him, but his heart propelled him forward. He debated turning on the lights but decided not to, instead flicking the lock on the door and walking over to the bed. He sat down next to where he could only assume Jeongin’s head was.

Jisung put his hand on the boy, happy to find it landed on his shoulder instead of somewhere more awkward, then gently nudged him. 

“Anyone home?” He asked softly, teasing.

“No,” a voice came from under the blanket, muffled and stiff.

Jisung huffed dramatically, “Guess I’ll just have to sit here until Jeongin gets back.” He paused, an idea sparking, “Maybe I’ll even lay down, make myself comfortable.”

He threw his body back aggressively, thudding onto Jeongin’s back with a loud noise. 

“Jeez, hyung, fine!” Jeongin yelped, pushing him off and sitting up. He held the blanket up to his chin and his eyes looked red.

Jisung was startled by how small he looked. He was curled in on himself and it made Jisung feel like he was looking directly into a mirror. His palms itched+ to comfort him, a new feeling he found he often dealt with around the younger boy.

“What’s going on?” Jisung asked, trying to make his voice sound inviting. Jeongin shook his head petulantly, tucking his face further into his blanket.

Jisung took a long breath, trying to think of the best approach. Jeongin obviously didn’t want to talk, that much was clear, but he also looked like he desperately needed it.

The constant criticism from JYP was bound to boil over again at some point, and it looked like the time might’ve finally arrived.

He tried to think back on what he would want in this situation.

When he was at YG, he frequently dealt with criticism from the higher-ups. He was sure they didn’t even offer compliments in that building. They should’ve had a sign up that said in big red letters “NO COMPLIMENTS.”

There were countless nights where he laid in his dorm alone wishing somebody would tell him he was doing a good job. Just a few words that could completely change his perspective.

That person never came.

He wanted to be that person to Jeongin. He felt such a strong pull to the other boy, an overprotective urge that sank in deep to his core that he had never felt before.

He cleared his throat and said, “You’re doing a good job, Jeongin.” He said the words clearly, trying to force Jeongin to really listen to him.

The younger boy's eyes went wide, but he didn’t say anything. He gripped the blanket in his hands even tighter, knuckles turning white.

“I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it as many times as I have to if it makes it get through your thick skull,” Jisung said, voice teasing but serious, “You are the hardest worker I know. You deserve to be here.”

Jeongin’s eyes teared up. Wordlessly, he leaned into Jisung.

Jisung didn’t hesitate, wrapping his arms around the younger and pulling him into a warm, wet hug. He tangled a hand through his hair and brought him as close as he could. 

He didn’t say anything else, hoping just his presence and the warmth of his body was enough.

Jeongin was already overwhelmed, he didn’t want to add onto that by giving him a long monologue about self-worth that he didn’t really have the ability to back up.

So he sat there, just existing with him.

The hug lingered, stretching on for a few moments until it started to feel awkward. Just as Jisung was starting to pull away, the doorknob rattled.

“Let me in,” Seungmin called out, banging on the door.

Jeongin jumped back and pulled away, wiping his face on his sleeves. Then, he ducked back under the blanket, leaving only his eyes visible as he lay back down in his bed.

Jisung stood up and unlocked the door and let Seungmin come in. The younger boy offered a curious glance, but didn’t say anything. 

Jisung sighed and returned to his own bed, sinking down into the mattress while Seungmin started getting ready to go to sleep.

He was exhausted but his mind didn’t want to settle, swirling with thoughts about Jeongin and his own criticism from JYP.

After a few minutes, Jeongin began to snore lightly. Jisung was relieved he was able to fall asleep amidst all of his worries, and he could only hope the boy wouldn’t have any nightmares.

Jisung was shocked when he felt a shift in his mattress and looked to see Seungmin sitting at the foot of the bed. He hadn’t even noticed the boy was done changing, so focused on making sure Jeongin was ok.

He raised an eyebrow when Seungmin didn’t say anything and asked, “Can I help you?”

Seungmin looked thoughtful for a second but then he replied dryly, “I just thought you could use someone to make sure you don’t cry yourself to sleep.”

Jisung pursed his lips and blinked slowly.

“Wow,” he scoffed, “How comforting.”

Seungmin smiled with closed lips and whispered, “Honestly though, are you ok?” 

Jisung hummed, nodding in response. He sat up, crossing his legs and leaning back on his palms causing his head to nearly hit the wall.

“Can I ask you some questions then?” Seungmin said, voice hesitant. 

Jisung was immediately concerned because Seungmin was not the type of person to ask questions at all. Like, ever.

He forced himself to nod, moving his gaze up to the ceiling. 

“Just promise to stop me if you feel uncomfortable,” Seungmin said, voice earnest.

Jisung peeked at him out of the side of his eye, laughing gently, “Gotta be honest, you’re making me nervous.”

Seungmin smirked and whispered, “Good.” He was clearly trying to sound menacing, but it just made Jisung snort. He smacked a hand over his mouth, looking at Jeongin to make sure he was still asleep.

A loud snore answered his question.

“The thing with you eating… should I be worried?” Seungmin asked softly.

It took Jisung by surprise. Nobody had ever asked him that before. Nobody had ever really noticed.

Except for Minho-hyung, his brain supplied helpfully, Who practically shoves food in your mouth 24/7.

He didn’t know how to answer. Partly because he didn’t know how to put the feeling into words, but also because he was terrified. 

Not because it was Seungmin. He trusted the other boy fully. 

He was scared because saying things out loud made them real. Like this small little habit he had from his anxiety suddenly became a real problem if he told someone about it.

His stomach twisted at the thought.

“I don’t think so,” Jisung responded simply. 

Seungmin didn’t push. He never did. 

“Okay,” he responded shortly, then swiftly changed the subject. “And what about YG? What exactly happened there?” 

The question gave him whiplash. 

He tried to laugh it off, but it didn’t sound right. “You’re going for the hard-hitting questions tonight, aren’t you?” He asked.

Seungmin nodded seriously, “I have to take advantage of your rare emotional availability.” 

Jisung sighed and dropped his head back against the wall with a light thud. “It was a tough work environment, to put it gently.”

Seungmin made a motion with his hands, as if he was telling him to continue.

“Um,” his throat felt dry, but he pushed the words out, “It was… extremely competitive. I was always one mistake away from getting replaced. It didn’t matter who you were, just how good you performed that day.”

Seungmin just let the words hang in the air, which made it easier somehow.

“And the other trainees… they were… Well, they weren’t like you guys.”

Jisung had been trying to open up more, but every story had its limits and that trainee was one he didn’t necessarily feel like sharing at that moment.

Seungmin nodded, ignoring that there was a whole piece to the puzzle Jisung wasn’t filling him in on. 

“And you’re really ok right now?” Seungmin asked, putting a hand on Jisung’s knee. It was cold, but he found himself leaning into the touch anyways.

“Yea, I’m ok.” He answered, and he really meant it. Even though he was so stressed about winning the battle, trying to find time to talk to Minho, and all of the other thousands of problems he had, he really did feel fine.

Seungmin smiled softly and patted his leg, then pulled away to stand up. He started walking towards his own bed, but turned back towards Jisung at the last second. 

“You’ll tell me if that changes, yea?” He asked, looking strangely meek, “I have a pretty good shoulder to cry on, too.”

Jisung smiled fondly, “Of course.”

He didn’t know how anybody could describe Seungmin as mean. He cared so much in his own special way, and was able to easily break through the locks Jisung kept tight around his heart.

He leaned against his pillow and closed his eyes. 

You’ll tell me if that changes, yea?

Just keep being yourself.

We love you.

The words were like an antidote to all of the nightmares that typically plagued his dreams. Like a repellant to the ghosts of his pasts that so frequently try to haunt him.

He still didn’t believe in love, not really. But the feeling bubbling in his chest felt warm. It felt real.

-

The next morning came shockingly fast. Not because he slept really good- although that was true too- but because a text woke him up way too early.

[minho-hyung] 5:37 AM

r u up?

hello

wake up

this is important

He groaned against his pillow and typed out a response.

[hannie] 5:42 AM

wat do u want

it is 5 am

[minho-hyung] 5:42 AM

im outside ur dorm

come quick

His eyes widened. He didn’t even bother responding, just throwing on the hoodie that he ended up ripping off last night when he got hot in his sleep. He brushed his fingers through his hair that was undoubtedly messy and threw on his glasses.

He shoved his feet into some slides and tip-toed out of the room.

Why was Minho here? And why did he decide to come at five in the morning? The sun wasn’t even out yet.

He cracked open the door and squinted at the hallway lights. Minho was leaning against the wall across the hall with a bag of food in his hand.

He looked noticeably more awake than Jisung felt.

“Breakfast,” Minho said, shoving the bag at Jisung. 

Jisung eyed the bag suspiciously. “Are you trying to poison me hyung? It’s too early in the day to die, come back later.”

Minho rolled his eyes, “Eat.” He said, then wrapped his hand around Jisung’s wrist and started dragging him out of the building.

“Nice hoodie,” Minho added. A blush formed on Jisung’s cheeks as he let himself be pulled outside. 

He forgot he was wearing Minho’s hoodie.

It was a bit chilly since it was still dark so Jisung was grateful that he put it on, even if he was embarrassed.

“Where are we going?” He asked, pulling his wrist away from Minho to start eating a biscuit he spotted in the bag. 

“I’m glad you asked,” Minho said cheerfully. “But I’m not gonna tell you.”

“Then why are you glad I asked?” Jisung gaped. 

The older boy answered dryly, “I was worried about how easy it would be to kidnap you. At least I know now you would eventually ask your kidnapper where you were going.” He paused, then added, “Of course, by now it’s too late. I’m already plotting how to fit you in my rice cooker.”

Jisung groaned, “You’re the worst.”

Minho smiled teasingly and ripped a chunk of the biscuit out of his hands, popping it in his mouth loudly. Jisung rolled his eyes but a smile was threatening his lips.

They walked in silence for a few moments. It was comfortable and Minho’s proximity warmed Jisung up despite the morning breeze.

Eventually, they reached a small neighborhood park Jisung thought he may’ve been to before. It was just a few benches and a small lake, but there was nobody there at such an early time so it felt peaceful.

Minho led them over to a bench and sat down, signalling to Jisung to follow. 

Once they were sitting comfortably, Minho spoke, “I thought you could use a break.” He bit his lip, uncharacteristically nervous, “And admittedly, I could too.”

Jisung smiled softly, “Thank you.” Then he teased, “So you’re just using me to recharge? What am I, a battery pack?”

Minho huffed out a laugh, shaking his head gently. 

“You caught me,” he responded, “My limited edition Hannie battery pack.” Jisung could only describe the look on his face as fond.

It sent a fluttery feeling through his chest that was starting to become too familiar and he quickly turned away, looking into the sky.

The buildings of the city had a small clearing that was especially visible at this park, creating a perfect view of the sky thanks to the road layouts. Suddenly, color started to burst out in the crack, yellow and orange rising from the ground like an eruption.

Jisung understood why Minho took him there.

“Hyung,” he whispered, in awe of the view. 

The sunrise was amazing. He hadn’t been able to get such a good look at it since he was little. 

The way the buildings reflected the light made it even more beautiful.

When looked at Minho to see his reaction, he wasn’t watching the sunrise. 

He was watching him.

“What?” Jisung asked, fingers trembling.

“You’re just cute,” Minho responded, words light and airy. A blush quickly spread on Jisung’s cheeks and he didn’t even try to hide it.

He gulped and looked around, checking to see if there was anybody else in the park. Then, slowly and carefully, he reached for Minho’s palm.

His heart raced when he wrapped his hand around the other boy’s, warmth overtaking his body. Minho looked surprised, and his cheeks were definitely turning red.

He looked flustered. 

Jisung couldn’t help but feel proud- it felt like a superpower to fluster the ever-stoic Lee Minho.

They talked about everything and nothing at all, trading senseless stories and silly jokes to fill the time. 

His alarm startled him back to reality and he quickly snatched his phone up with the hand that wasn’t occupied. 

He groaned, flopping his phone down after turning off the alarm and running a hand through his hair, “I have to go. We have practice in an hour.”

He hated how sad he sounded. Minho didn’t comment on it, just stood up with Jisung’s hand in his and started leading the way back to the dorms. 

Jisung almost pulled away, but his need for the safety and warmth outweighed his fear of a camera flashing. 

Once they got to the dorms, they stood facing each other. Minho looked down at their attached hands with a small smile. Then, he asked, “Can I do something?”

Jisung raised an eyebrow suspiciously, “Do what exactly?”

Minho responded, “You’ll like it, I swear.” Jisung found himself trusting him so easily and simply nodded.

The older boy looked around, checking behind his shoulders, then he leaned in. 

Jisung almost panicked, almost ran away, but to his surprise, Minho didn’t go for his mouth. 

He felt a soft press of lips against his forehead, so soft it could’ve been a dream, before they pulled away quickly. His chest exploded in a mixture of anxiety and warmth.

His face was the color of a tomato, and Minho honestly didn’t look much better.

His hyung cleared his throat, then said awkwardly, “Well, I’ll be going then-” 

Jisung cut him off by throwing his arms around him and wrapping him into a hug. Minho responded quickly, tightening his arms around his back. Jisung tucked his face into his neck and whispered a thank you.

“You don’t have to- I wanted to-” Minho stammered, but Jisung shushed him. “Not for that,” he said quietly, “For being so patient. I don’t want you to think I don’t…” He paused, the words not coming out.

“I do. I promise, I do,” Jisung settled on, hoping Minho could get the message he was trying to send. 

Minho patted a hand against the back of his head and said softly, “I know. I do too.”

They eventually pulled away from each other, and with one last wave- and some slightly awkward staring- they went their separate ways. 

By the time he returned to the dorm, everybody was already scrambling to get ready. He dodged the questions asking where he was and went straight to his room. Once he closed the door, he ran a head over his face and fought off the blush that was still lingering.

He couldn’t believe that happened. He could still feel Minho’s lips against his forehead if he tried hard enough.

He found himself oddly… excited? Instead of nervous or panicking about what had just happened, the comfort Minho provided completely outweighed that. He couldn’t wait to see his hyung again. 

He typed out a quick message, then turned off his phone.

[hannie] 7:14 AM

thank you. seriously <3

He didn’t wait for an answer, he had to get ready for practice. They were leaving in fifteen minutes.

Based off of the way everybody clambered into the vans, he figured practice was going to be slow today. The members looked surprisingly tired, and he supposed maybe everybody didn’t sleep as well as he did.

His van consisted of Hyunjin and Seungmin in the back row and Changbin sitting next to him in the middle row. The boys in the back were fully asleep, leaning on each other to keep from falling over.

Changbin was scrolling on his phone, beanie basically pulled over his eyes.

Jisung looked out the window, watching the buildings pass and thinking about what had just happened. Butterflies threatened his stomach again but they were interrupted by a nudge on his shoulder.

He turned to Changbin and tilted his head in question.

“Where were you this morning?” He asked curiously, but by the lilt in his voice he assumed the boy already knew the answer.

Jisung muttered, “With Minho hyung.” He didn’t want to be interrogated about it, but he also knew he couldn’t lie. Changbin would call him out on it immediately.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Changbin smirking softly. He looked happy to hear that, which confused Jisung. 

Was he actually ok with what was developing? Not just ok, even happy with it?

At his old company… well.

Jisung cleared his throat and changed the subject, “How do you feel about the battle?”

Changbin looked surprised but didn’t protest the change in topic, “I’m excited. I love humbling people in rap battles with my amazing skill.”

Jisung didn’t miss that jab and levelled him with an unimpressed stare. Changbin burst out laughing, much to the annoyance of the boys in the back who started groaning.

Have they been awake the whole time? Jisung thought with a panic, Do they suspect anything about me and Minho hyung?

He would have to be more careful. If he was so easy to read, everybody would find out how he felt and before he knew it there would be news articles and- 

He cut off that decidedly unhelpful train of thought. He trusted them. Maybe not enough to fully tell them the truth, but enough to stop his brain from scrambling at the thought of them just discovering he might potentially have feelings for Minho hyung.

Maybe.

“Maybe what?” Changbin asked.

Jisung’s face went red, “Did I say that out loud?” Changbin nodded, grin tugging at his lips. 

Jisung blinked and shook his head, “Maybe nothing.” The other boy rolled his eyes, “You’re a terrible liar.” Then he leaned back into his seat, eyeing Jisung, “You overthink too much.”

Jisung’s mouth fell open in a small ‘o’ and he asked, “How do you even know-” He cut himself off and sighed dejectedly, “You sound like Chan.”

“He’s right, then,” Changbin paused, “You don’t need to freak out about how you… might possibly feel. Or how people might feel about you. You’re not as complicated as you think you are.”

The words were surprisingly gentle for Changbin.

Jisung turned to look at him, “What does that even mean?”

Changbin grinned, “It means we get it. You have big feelings, ones that usually show up in the form of yelling, then crying, then running away.”

Jisungs lips twitched, and he sank into his seat, “Wow, how helpful.”

Changbin didn’t respond, just shifted his gaze to the window. Jisung inhaled deeply, breath shaky. He hadn’t expected a conversation like that this morning.

Did everybody seriously know that he was starting to… hang out with Minho?

“You’re doing it again,” Changbin cut off his thoughts before they could spiral too far.

After a few beats of silence, Jisung responded with, “You’re not so bad, hyung.”

He swore Changbin’s face flushed and the older boy quickly covered it with a hand. “Yea, I’m pretty great.” Jisung actually laughed out loud at that, rolling his eyes.

“Season 2, episode 4, the Han Jisung therapy saga begins.” Seungmins' deadpanned voice cut into the conversation.

Jisung turned around to glare at him, “This again?”

The van filled with laughter that even Hyunjin joined in on.

He tried not to worry about the implications of Hyunjin overhearing that particular discussion.

“Can you guys be quiet now? I’m trying to nap before Chan makes me do push-ups for breathing too loudly.” Seungmin asked, very seriously.

Jisung huffed out a small laugh and the van filled with comfortable silence again.

The day passed in a blur of repetitive practices and lessons. That rhythm followed them for the next few days, the week passing by in a haze before the battle finally arrived.

If the van ride to the last evaluation was brimming with anxiety and fear, this van ride was the exact opposite. Everyone was seriously excited to get the chance to prove themselves against another group.

They made their way inside the YG building, a place where Jisung thought he would never return again. He could almost see his younger self running around the lobby trying to get to practice on time.

He didn’t realize he wasn’t walking until Chan gently nudged him. He blinked and realized his whole group had gone on ahead and were now waiting in the elevator for him.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, following Chan into the elevator.

They made their way to the practice room where the battle would take place. He had never actually gone in this one during his time at YG because it was typically saved for broadcasted events like dance practice videos.

He was grateful they weren’t in one of the rooms he had practically lived in while training there. He didn’t think he’d be able to hold down the memories if they were.

Now, he was sitting on the floor stretching while listening to his team talk loudly. He didn’t join the conversation, but just listening was enough for him.

That was when he heard it- a voice in the hallway, distant, but somehow very clear. It was him.

He hadn’t even considered that the other trainee from his YG days that he was oh so familiar with would still be there. His voice echoed into the room and sent white shock through his spine.

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe they just had similar voices.

When the door opened, he was quickly proven wrong. The boy came in first, leading the group they would be competing against.

He looked almost exactly the same.

His eyes must’ve widened, because Felix poked him on the arm after Jisung absentmindedly greeted the group. “You good?” He asked quietly, just loud enough for Jisung to hear it.

He had always thought that if he ever saw him again he would have some dramatic spiral. He would either beg for closure and ask why, or he would pull his classic escape act and run away.

His lungs felt tight for a second and he felt like he was fifteen all over again.

He inhaled and blinked.

Not now, not anymore.

He rolled his shoulders back and cracked his neck. “It’s him,” he answered simply. That was explanation enough because Felix’s jaw fell open and he looked in the direction of the other trainee.

Jisung made eye contact with him then, and watched his expression shift from shock into something smug. Like he was so confident he was going to win.

He refused to even acknowledge his name. He wasn’t a person to Jisung anymore, just an obstacle he wanted to thoroughly surpass.

That made Jisung smirk, a new fire building up inside of him. “I’ll be fine once we win,” He said confidently, then turned his shoulder to the YG boys.

Felix looked surprised, but a smile formed on his face and he said, “Let’s kick his ass.”

Eventually, YG and JYP made their way into the room. All of the trainees bowed and went to their respective sides of the rooms, leaving just Changbin and Jisung standing as the first group to perform.

“Introduce yourselves,” JYP asked, voice unusually warm. He was clearly trying to amp up his kindness for the cameras.

Changbin went first, answering a few questions from YG about his unique vocal tone. Then, Jisung gave a polite bow and said his name, offering no other information.

Jisung wasn’t surprised at all when YG didn’t recognize him. He had no identity at his company, all that remained of his short training period completely wiped away after he left.

It spurred him on further. He would make YG remember him.

The first beat of Matryoshka came on, and it was like a gunshot echoed in their room. Jisung easily fell into his stage persona and the words flowed effortlessly out of him.

Changbin mocked the YG trainees, playing into the whole battle concept. Jisung made eye contact with YG himself several times, rapping the lyrics directly to him. The older man didn’t look offended- if anything, he actually looked impressed.

Jisung felt pride burning in his core when YG applauded them and admitted that he was surprised JYP had found such good rappers.

It was uphill from there. After the vocal performance, YG even said he wished he had a trainee as versatile as Jisung. 

The cold irony of it was enough to make Jisung choke out a laugh. A short, breathless sound that Chan shook his head at, but even their leader had a smile tugging on his lips during the feedback.

Their dance performance got similar results, YG raving about the creativity of the routine. He also pointed out how Jeongin drew his attention, and Jisung couldn’t stop the smile forming at that. 

Jeongin finally got some of his well-deserved recognition.

Overall, the performances were some of the most fun ones Jisung had ever done, and that’s including the underground 3RACHA performances.

Goading on the YG trainees and flaunting his talent cockily was so entertaining. He felt like he was finally in his natural habitat.

The YG trainees did good, sure, but they didn’t really have much soul- at least, not as much as Stray Kids did. It made a new type of confidence start to bloom in Jisung’s chest. He was more sure than ever that this was the right group of people, even though the hole left by Minho was still prominent.

They would make it through the show with no more eliminations, he would make sure of it.

They had to.

They wrapped up the battle with some parting bows and left shortly after. Jisung couldn’t even remember if that trainee participated in any of the performances- if he did, he didn’t stick out very much.

It didn’t matter anyways, because all Jisung had his eyes on right now was the road to debut, and it was finally starting to look a little less rocky.