Chapter Text
you are still my golden hour
you are still the grass underneath my body, your skin is still the one i imagine when i daydream a body in my arms. there is something about the way your shape would rest in my arms - something gentle, something heavy that my body aches to remember.
i remember telling you about sunflowers, you fell into me and i cupped your face. “did you know when the sun goes down, they turn towards each other for warmth?” you smiled, oh, you smiled and hugged me and spoke. you told me, “that's what we do, isn't it? that's what we do!”
i like to think i loved you. when i tell your story, that's the word that comes out. love. i held your aching, sobbing body to my chest. i would hide my face in your hair. i would clutch you, rocking back and fourth, the scent of iron and the feeling of tears clung against my shirt and scarf. “please don't leave me,” you whimpered. “please don't leave me.”
i don't think you knew how terrified i was of the same thing. of growing past the box i was put in, like a fruit for the harvest that refused to constrain to the wood put over it to shape it. i am a gord in the garden that suffocates the gentle weeds, but you never saw it like that. i am sorry your love was not enough to permit me to grow.
do you remember when i told you i could take your hand, that we could leave? remember when you fell to your knees, screaming i couldn't go? my feet were glued to the floor. never in that moment did i feel like more of a monster. a traitor of a cause i knew i gave up on years ago. but it was all you had, wasn't it?
all i did, i kneeled, i looked up, i clutched my hands and told you we didn't have to pray anymore. you fell with me and said this is all we had. “you only have me, and i only have you.” your vision was blurry from all your tears, and when i saw you later in the night i saw your arms wrapped up again. i never dared to speak again to you about such affairs.
i knew what was going to happen. i knew your plan, but i knew you were sick. this would help you, and one day you will earn guilt. i did not want to be the one to give you the burden of regret, i knew those angels would visit you around my burial site. i remember you sobbing. my flower, what did i even do to make you cry? i like to think you gave me peace, you gave me serenity. you tucked me into a new home by all my favorite shades of you.
you were scared. i was too - after i came back i thought i was privileged. oh, my sweet nightshade after i awoke. oh, my sweet nightshade, you're still devoted, aren't you? to the death of your mind, you will be a sacrifice.
i never wanted to hunt you, i never wanted to hurt you. all of this rage can be stilted. i believe i am just selfish. selfish for this deep, belly ache that taunts me. i like to think somewhere deep in me i am a human to you. i like to think somewhere deep in me i can be human.
whenever i see you, it's still my golden hour.