Chapter Text
Regulus never was one to share his feelings, being as cold and distant as he was. He liked that he was perceived that way, it felt like a safe shell he could hide in. Hogwarts tried to break this shell by putting him in slytherin with people who were way too curious for their own good. He liked his friends though, they brought a smile to his face… most of the time.
When he was at home – or whatever people call the house they grew up in – he had to try even harder hiding his emotions. At Grimmauld place, his emotions could cost him his life, so he couldn’t and wouldn’t ever show anger, sadness or fear. Regulus was planning to keep on doing that during the summer of ‘76. He just turned 15 and he felt like he was mature enough to keep to himself that summer. His older brother didn’t think that though.
“Reggie, come with me. Be free,” This wasn’t the first time Sirius had said these words to Regulus. He had tried every night for the past 4 days, since the day they had come home from Hogwarts. “Please.”
Regulus was never letting himself go with him. He could survive on his own, he was old enough now. “No, Sirius, I’m not going with you. They’ll find us and then we will be able to kiss our lives goodbye. And don’t call me ‘Reggie’, I’m not a baby anymore.” He kept his tone cool, covering up the fact that he was seriously thinking about escaping with Sirius. Regulus knew how stupid it would be to give in and run away from his life as it was, but the opportunity seemed so sweet it almost gave him hope for something better, maybe even something good.
Sirius exhaled and tried making eye contact with his younger brother again, but without any success. “Then we’ll be dead either way, because staying here is as dangerous as staying in the flames of a fire. If we escape now, they won’t find out until the morning and by then we’ll be safe at the Potter’s mansion.”
“Don’t be stupid, Sirius, we’ll never be safe from them. Our lives were set up for us the moment we took our first breath. The only thing we can do is do as we’re told and hope for the best.” Regulus finally felt the confidence to look his brother in the eye, but that was probably the worst, or the best, thing he could’ve done, because he saw something real, he saw raw emotions displayed onto Sirius’ face. “You know we can’t escape from them, Siri.” And there it was, the vulnerability Regulus has run from for his whole life.
“We can, though. We can at least try to run from them. Whatever happens, it can’t be as bad as what’s going to happen this summer, Reggie.” This was probably the point where Regulus decided to go with his brother, except he didn’t realise that himself yet.
“Don’t call me that, Sirius,” he whispered back, but he didn’t sound as cold as he wanted to, and Sirius must have heard that too.
“Regulus,” Sirius swallowed and let his head fall forward. When he tilted his head up again he saw his younger brother looking at him with something unrecognizable in his eyes. Where there… emotions? “We could leave tonight. James’ parents will give us everything we need, we can spend the summer with my friends, we can even invite some of your friends if you would like that-” but Regulus cut him off.
“We can’t invite any of my friends, because their parents will not approve of me as their friend anymore when I run away.”
Sirius exhaled at the sound of these bittersweet words, trying to release his emotions. “Then you’ll hang out with me and James and our friends-” but Regulus cut him off another time.
“I don’t like your friends, and they don’t like me either.” Sirius looked at him in confusion. Why on earth would his friends not like Regulus? They didn’t even really know him.
“Why would you say that? My friends don’t even know you that well.”
The words that came out of Regulus’ mouth next cut as deep as an average cut created by the monsters they were trying to run from so badly. “I’m sure you told them a few horrible things about me.”
Regulus’ eyes stayed cold while he saw confusion changed into hurt that changed into guilt. “No, Reggie, I never told them anything bad or untrue about you. They’ll love you the moment they meet you, because I love you, Reggie, and my friends will too. If you just take the chance to climb out of this hole that we’re in you could meet them, really meet them, then you’ll see how good life can be.” Even though Regulus had trouble seeing Sirius clearly in the darkness, he could still make out the way Sirius’ eyes became glossy. “Please, Reggie, you can do this, we can do this. When you agree, we’re out of here.”
The begging really seemed to have an effect on Regulus, as he threw himself back onto his bed as a reaction to his brother’s words. The blanket still covering his legs, his head on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling he had seen every night for the first 11 years of his life. During every screaming fight between Sirius and their parents, after all of the times he was tortured for being human, every time he felt anything he wasn’t supposed to feel, his ceiling tried to give him comfort, but it failed him every time. Now, knowing this was probably the last time looking at the wooden beams that supported the entire house, he realized that his ceiling actually had given him comfort, in some way at least. Lying in his bed for the last time, Regulus realised that this was the only place that knew his emotions. “How will we get there?”
~
It was late at night when James heard a harsh knock on the door. He sprung up from the couch and ran as fast as possible towards the front door. Sirius had told him that he would escape as soon as possible, but that he wasn’t going to leave his brother with the people that were supposed to be their parents, and James got that. He may have been an only child, but his empathetic ability was as big as his personality. When he opened the door, he saw exactly what he had hoped to see. “Padfoot! Reggie! You’re here! I’m so relieved that you’re here! Mom, they got away!” James opened his arms to a group hug, but Regulus never answered the gesture.
“Of course we’re here, we wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, right, Reggie?”
Regulus just rolled his eyes. “My name is Regulus, not whatever stupid nickname you make out of it.”
James laughed as he stepped to the side to let the black brothers into the house he was allowed to call his home. “I guess you just want to sleep for now, we can get into this whole fiasco tomorrow morning.”
“Oh don’t be silly, James, I want to inspect these precious boys before sending them off to bed.” His mother decided while walking into the living room area they were standing in, 2 cups of hot chocolate in her hands. “Here you go, dears. Good to see you again, Sirius. And it’s lovely to meet you, Regulus. I’ve heard lots of great things about you from Sirius.” She smiled warmly at the boys. In her eyes, they were still so young, too young.
“Thank you, Mrs. Potter,” Regulus gave her a tight smile. He didn’t really know how to act, and this was visible for anyone who had ever paid attention to the boy. Not that James did that, not more than he was supposed to. He obviously wanted Sirius to be happy and carefree, and in order to make that happen, Reggie also needed to be happy and carefree.
Euphemia looked at him with the same brown eyes Regulus knew from James. “Please call me Effie, I feel so old when people address me as Mrs.” Effie's lips formed another smile and Regulus tried smiling back again, feeling as if he was being looked at from every angle under her and her son’s gaze.
Luckily for Regulus, James’ father joined the little party and made sure everybody looked at him. “Sirius, Regulus, good to see you boys.” he nodded them up and down before placing a kiss on his wife’s right cheek. She leaned into his touch and James made a face of disgust, acting like he was vomiting.
Sirius just grinned at him, clearly more at peace than that he was a few hours ago. “Hello Monty, not sorry we’re invading the place. I just like it better here than back at grimmauld place.”
The man petted Sirius on the shoulder while he was saying that, grinning at the boy's words. “No problem at all, Sirius. We’re very happy to have you and your brother here. Especially if that means that you won’t be causing any problems back at your parents place.”
James had to hold in a chuckle thinking about the time Sirius had told him that he would transform into a dog, so Walburga would be furious about all the dog hairs laying around the house. “He would never cause any trouble, dad. I don’t know how you could think something this horrendous about him, you must apologize to him immediately.”
Monty just grinned and laid his other hand on James’ shoulder, now standing in between the 2 friends. James could see that Regulus still felt out of place and wanted to help him. “You know, I really think that Pads and Reggie want to go to sleep, mom.” James didn’t look to see if Regulus had any reaction to him calling him Reggie, because he was watching his mother while he spoke to her.
“You’re right, James. Have a good night, boys!” she said while walking toward the door Monty, who followed his wife blindly, had just come out of.
The 3 boys were left alone in the spacious but cozy living room. “Prongs, as much as I would love to stay here and chitchat with you, I really am tired. So let’s just go to sleep and think of some prank to pull tomorrow.” Sirius yawned and Regulus never had been so grateful to hear something come out of Sirius’ mouth.
James seemed to be kind of thrown off by the statement, but adjusted soon to the new information. “Yes, yes, of course you’re tired. You guys just escaped the horrendous life you were supposed to live. Come on, Reggie! I’ll show you your room.”
This threw Regulus off. He kind of thought he would be invisible as soon as he entered Potter’s mansion, but that was clearly not the case. “Just call me Regulus.” He muttered as he followed James and Sirius.
The 3 of them walked up the stairs, which led to a long and narrow hallway with several doors. Sirius, who was walking in front of the other two, immediately walked toward the last door on the right side of the hallway. “Goodnight sleep tight, my precious little angels.” he smirked over his shoulder while closing the door.
“Does he always act this idiotic when he’s feeling comfortable?” James heard the younger boy ask him. He tried to sound like he thought it was stupid, but James saw through the act and knew that deep down, Regulus was feeling good about Sirius finding his place, even if it was in the life he didn’t feel comfortable in yet.
James was still caught off guard with the question, because Regulus hadn’t spoken much since entering his home. “Oh Reggie, this is just the beginning. Just you wait until he isn’t tired anymore, you’re going to want to rip your ears off of your head.”
Regulus rolled his eyes in a way that was supposed to say that he already wanted to do just that. “Don’t call me Reggie, it makes me feel small.” Why on earth would he tell James that? He shouldn’t say stuff like that, it made him vulnerable and weak, both of which he wasn’t supposed to be.
James just smiled down at him. “Well, it isn’t as if you’re that tall.” A slight smile formed around James’ lips as he told Regulus that.
“I’m tired, Potter. Could you show me my room, please?” They were still standing in the middle of the narrow corridor.
The older boy coughed and nodded. “Aren’t we on a first name basis now that you practically live with me?” Regulus rolled his eyes at him, which made him look like an adorable and likeable version of his older brother. He still got what he wanted, though, because the younger siblings always do. “Okaaay… So this one's yours.” James opened the first door on the right side of the hallway and stepped inside. “It should have everything you need, if you need the bathroom it’s down the corridor on the left side, it’s the second door, and if you need anything else: my room’s just across from yours so I won’t be far.” James winked at Reggie before he turned around and left the room.
He exhaled as he opened his own room and dumped himself on the bed. He couldn’t imagine how tired Sirius and Reggie must feel. James had worried constantly about his best friend and his younger brother for the last couple of days, not knowing anything about the state that they were in. James hadn’t slept the first 2 nights, but after that he had decided to just stay on the couch the whole time. This made him feel a little at peace, so he eventually managed to fall asleep.
Even though James knew that the Black brothers were safe now, he still felt the constant need to check on them. So he walked through the hallway a couple of times, listening to any noises that may come from any of the boys' rooms. But time and time again, he heard nothing. He still felt the need to make them feel safe, so he decided to write Regulus a letter. It wasn’t necessary to write Sirius a letter, because he could just talk to him in the morning, but James wasn’t so sure that Regulus would be open to a deep conversation about his feelings. So James wrote.
When James finished writing, his eyes scanned over the piece of parchment again before folding it up and shoving it under Reggie’s door. James turned around, not thinking Regulus was still awake. He was right, because for the first time in years, Regulus had fallen asleep before being able to get lost in his own head.
~
The morning came and Regulus felt the duvet warmly around his shoulders. With his head still in the pillow, he looked around the room he had just woken up in. It was about as big as the room he had back at his Grimmauld place, but it felt fuller and warmer; more like a home.
The memories of the night before were still fresh in Regulus’ mind. He remembered how much warmer the evening air had felt outside of Grimmauld place and how stressed he had felt while sneaking through the halls of the place he had to call his home. He also remembered how he only had about 5 minutes to quietly pack up all of his stuff, knowing he was probably forgetting, like, half of the things he needed to bring with him. He saw his closed trunk standing against the wall next to the door. He stood up and walked over to it, with the idea to unpack his stuff. But then he saw it, a small, folded piece of paper with his name on it written in a handwriting he had never seen before. He picked it up and looked at it with a skeptical expression. When he opened it, his eyes searched for the name of the sender.
See you later I guess?
James;)
Of course James had given him a handwritten letter, the childish prick. Couldn’t he just tell Regulus what he wanted from the younger boy?
Even though Regulus had really felt the urge to fold it back up and never look back at it, he was also self-aware enough to know he would feel guilty afterwards so he still decided to give reading the letter a try.
Hello little Star,
Okay, never mind. Wasn’t ‘Reggie’ bad enough for Potter? Did he really just have to pester Regulus with other stupid nicknames? Regulus just rolled his eyes before reading further.
I know you don’t like me calling you “Reggie” so I hope that you’re okay with me calling you something like this (you probably aren’t, but I really don’t think that Regulus suits you).
I hope that you’re doing alright, as far as that's possible under these kinds of circumstances.
You probably think that this letter is stupid, and it kind of is, but I don’t know how to stop worrying about you and your brother and I thought this letter might be the solution.
Well, at least Potter is aware of how stupid he is. Of course Regulus isn’t doing alright, how could he after escaping his childhood home in the hope that his parents don’t follow him. And Regulus was definitely going to tell Potter to stop with his ‘Reggie’ or ‘little Star’ nonsense, because it was nothing but annoying.
I don’t really know what to say, as I don’t know how it is to be put into a situation like yours, but I hope you can help me understand you, so I can be there for you when you need someone else as your brother or my parents or your friends (don’t know when or why this would be the case, but you never know).
I guess I just want you to know that you can knock on my door anytime and that I’ll open it for you.
You should also know that I won’t judge you for anything, because just then in the corridor I fear that I kind of gave off that vibe, but I really want to know you.
So what was Regulus supposed to do with this information? Swoon over the older boy? Regulus would rather die than do anything stupid like that, he wasn’t one of those crazy obsessive girls that were always following Potter.
So he decided to just lay the letter down on the desk and to explore the room a little more. The room had 2 doors, the one toward the hallway and another one toward a small balcony. Regulus opened the second door and felt the warm summer air meet his skin. He had no idea how late it was, but he suspected it would be around 7 in the morning, based on the fact that the sun was still rising. Regulus looked through the large garden, filled with a small shed, a pool and a small quidditch field, because why wouldn’t there be? Merlin, these people had money. This wasn’t new information, but still. Seeing it like this was really different then just hearing rumors about the Potters. It was also this view that made him decide to just write a letter back to James. He still found it stupid, but Potter himself had said that he wouldn’t judge him and, if Regulus was being honest, he didn’t think James had any right to judge him after writing such a sappy letter as if he was declaring his love.
The only thing he needed to do was to search for some parchment and a quill because he had forgotten those. Regulus stood up and closed the door behind his back, walking over toward the desk he heard the distant thud of a door closing.