Work Text:
Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?
Cause I always do
Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
***
New Year’s Eve in South Park, Colorado always brings the prettiest part of winter weather. Snowfall is coming down heavier, appearing fluffier and lingering around longer. Mountain tops are snow capped, town is littered with string lights up and down the small buildings and yards fences. Lights reflecting off the fresh snow helped everyone see a little better. On the edge of town where the snow plow doesn’t reach anymore is an old convenience store attached to a gas station. A small park residing beside it for tourists and travelers down the interstate is littered with people in the summer. Back in the day, kids spent most time after school walking to this spot. Kenny had many memories over the years here, the blonde had found himself on these long walks down this road most nights as of lately. It was still, with no one around, it was the only moment in his day he felt like he was experiencing true silence. This walk was the part of his day; everything felt like it was under his control.
“Fuck, — shit.”
That second word escaped his mouth like a hiss. Kenny almost slipped on a small patch of ice about 20 feet from the gas station. Struggling to catch his balance made his knee throb where he had fallen on it much earlier. It was a bad day to have bones for Kenny McCormick. Carrying the culprit of his knee pain under his arm was his constant reminder. And really pissing him off. A constant reminder of his throbbing joints. Reminder of his age. Maybe he should retire the old skateboard and just stick to walking, much cheaper than fixing up the old chevy in his driveway. Kenny knew he wasn’t as agile as he used to be, though he reminded himself how better off than most he was. He mumbled something about not even getting the girl's number he tried to do a kickflip for. There he goes, mumbling again. Kenny felt like he mumbled to himself a lot these days, maybe the fumes from the construction jobs were finally getting to him. He always worked solo so he’s used to his own company and doesn’t check the ventilations on jobs as well as you’re supposed to. Kenny likes his silent solo jobs, and his silent solo holiday season. His parents are somewhere but he has no idea where. Once a year or two he will see them and dart in the opposite direction. However, he knows where his sister is. Karen is living in Boulder going to school. He convinces her to not come home for the holidays. It’s better for her where she is.
Falling on his knee today didn’t help distract him from the crick in his neck. Kenny wasn’t sleeping well lately, causing him to feel stiff and sore. Dreams of lives he used to live when he was younger flash behind his eyelids every night. Sometimes his chest feels hollow when he wakes up to his cold bed. A few strangers or sometimes a familiar face fills the void when the opportunity arises. However he feels too sensitive these days to allow himself to be seen by anyone, and they’re just lonely people trying to help each other feel a little less alone. Kenny prefers it nowadays, but daydreams of falling in love, a family, a partnership, still litter his mind when it wanders off throughout the day. Kenny was just a lover boy too scared to love.
The bell rings aggressively whenever Kenny swings open the half loose door to the gas station.
The ring of the bell is nostalgic. It reminded him of when he would shoplift hotdogs in the summer, or when Stan would bitch about not wanting to go back to the farm. Kenny learned to play bass that summer in hopes of spending more time with his friends who had all moved on to their smartphones and girlfriends. He felt left behind, stunted. As he got older he definitely earned his womanizer title but only one girl from his past ever stood out to him. These days? No pop tarts for dinner and no one that stands out. Kenny worked really hard and it’s what keeps him going. No more stealing hot dogs. Just the occasional Carhartt jacket lift from Murdock’s Tractor Supply to feel some type of rush. He doesn’t believe in paying high dollar for clothes that are going to get ruined anyway.
Kevin Stoley still worked behind the gas station counter. Summer job turned into a career for him.
“Hey, Kevin.”
“Hey, Kenny! Usual stuff?”
“Yup, meet ya there in a sec.”
Kevin always kept a cheerful tone. Even this late on New Year's Eve.
Heading for the back corner of the store he decided to grab his usual after work beer plus whatever else sparked his interest on the walk back to the register. Kenny stood in front of the cooler doors. Tall boys and six packs lit up under the strips of LED, his reflection vaguely looking back at him. Messy, shaggy, unkempt hair, still sandy blonde. A few rings scattered on his ears and nose. Craig wanted to be a piercer and asked Kenny to be his guinea pig. That dream faded and now he has a few to show for it Including a double ring in the top of his left ear and two studs in his nostril. A remembrance of Craig Tucker’s failed attempt at a new career, or physical proof that Kenny is a supportive friend.
Kenny pulled open the cool door and shoved an Arizona Tea under his arm. He accompanied it with one of the many options of six packs of beer. The door to the cooler shut causing it to make a suction cup noise. When he saw his reflection on the door, he felt disconnected from the person he saw staring back. The doorbell chimed. He looked down at his feet and turned back down the aisle, ducking around the corner. Despite being the charismatic and friendly guy everyone knew, he didn’t like to talk to anyone he wasn’t seeing at a register these nights. His work boots felt heavier than usual. The small convenience store felt huge. Holiday’s are shitty. He knew that. Kenny felt shitty too.
WHAM — THUD.
He fell, and his Arizona can hit the floor with a hiss as it rolled away from him. Scattering to get back up and wrap his arm around his six pack that had landed thankfully on his lap. Kenny looks up and locks eyes with Bebe Stevens.
Completely taken back, he sat on his ass and clutched the six pack against his chest. Bebe glowed like an angel. An angel who was rubbing her hip and cursing under her breath. Tight blonde curls fell in front of her face. Green eyes reflected the fluorescent lighting. Kenny let out a small gasp once he realized he was holding his breath. It wasn’t the fall that knocked it from him.
“Bebe?” he asked, sitting paralyzed, and his voice cracked for the first time since grade school.
***
Oh, won't you kiss me on the mouth and love me like a sailor?
And when you get a taste, can you tell me what's my flavor?
Another day, another plane. Then a subway train to a hotel. Sometimes, a small hotel sized white wine and then off to bed. Wake up to do it all over again. Life was always on repeat. The busy and repetitive traveling for work sometimes offered something new like visiting an airport or city she had never been to. Sometimes, it was a new brand of hotel bar soap. The kind that comes wrapped in plastic sitting on the sink for you. Those tiny sized necessities are always waiting for her. Bebe often catches herself dissociating from everyone around her, lost in her own thoughts. Life felt numbing, but it didn’t stop her from keeping a perfect smile on all the time. Her smile was perfect, her eyes alone could bat then receive whatever she wanted.
"Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the crew, please review the emergency procedures"
Planes are the safest form of travel…
"In the event of an emergency, stay calm and listen to the cabin crew."
I think if something actually happened I would freak out, too…
"Oxygen masks will drop down from above your seat."
God, I wish I could use it during the whole flight. It feels so stuffy here…
"If you need any special attention, our crew will be ready to assist you."
Please don’t ask me for anything…
“Bebe?”
The female flight attendant snapped her fingers beside Bebe’s ear. Without much realization she had zoned out as the flight attendant was telling a mundane story about how she got stuck at another airport this week. Her flight had landed in Denver. Next, she was heading to South Park for the Stevens family's famous New Year’s Eve party.
Once the plane landed, she got up and retrieved her Betsy Johnson travel bag. It had a gold lock and was half off at TJ Maxx. She loved a good deal. She always saw her reflection in the large gold clasped lock, and she didn’t know how to feel about the flash of blonde and soft pink from her blouse she saw this time. Bebe had become obsessed with her health and appearance. She is beautiful. She knew it, and she worked very hard for it. As motivation, her career called for her to be clean-cut and well presented. Besides how she felt about the reflection on her travel bag, she had to keep up appearances for her Mom, for her “boyfriends”, or can’t forget the handful of “girlfriends”. But the girl she saw in the large gold plated clasp on her bag is the one she is most afraid of disappointing. To keep up with what she thought she needed, she lived a life of restriction, or self discipline as she called it. These types of restrictions on herself meant no sugar or processed foods, only water with electrolytes, pilates, and weekend hot yoga. She was thin and well toned. Her boobs could still destroy a whole town.
“Happy Holidays, Bebe, and enjoy that weird, tiny town!”
Her heart sank, grieving that her New Year’s Eve was not happening in a bigger city. Chicago, San Diego, maybe even New York, would have been her choice. A rooftop bar, soft jazz, and every time she batted her eyes, the man or woman she graced with her presence would melt, starstruck by her, and pay her manhattan with two cherries.Bebe was always in control. Looking back she saw her flight attendant friend wave her off. As Bebe walked away, the clacking of her heels pounded in her ears with every step.
taptaptap
Everyone sounded like static, background noise, womp womp womps blurring together. She continued to tap the toe of her shoe on the ground while staring out the window. The snow fall was heavy and soft tonight, giving off gentle blue glows while still hung Christmas lights danced around the uneven ground. The twinkles held her attention longer than anyone else at this party. Fancy sparkling cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, the smell of scotch on the rocks, obnoxious laughter at old jokes. She could feel everyone’s nose turned up as high as it would go. This party was the time of year the Steven’s made everyone feel like royalty. Even the trash of this town got dressed up and were on their best behavior so as not to be uninvited next year. Bebe shuddered at the thought of how annoying being at this party was. Deep down, she knew how much more cultured she was than this small town, which is why she left it behind a long time ago. This party was proof to her she was actually better than everyone else here.
taptaptap
Familiar faces popped in and out of the sitting area she resided in. Like an assembly line, old friends from school stopped in to see her. She received a long hug from Wendy, “Bebe, you look so beautiful! You have to tell me your secrets!” That’s what I am! Beautiful! she thought to herself. Next was a quick game of catch up with Stan and Kyle until she couldn’t take listening anymore. She had to come up with an excuse. She was bored. Anxious. Stir crazy. There was a craving for fresh air, then Bebe remembered she could actually walk alone at night here. That was something she had to readjust in her mind.
“Too bad Kenny couldn’t be here, he wouldn’t have been able to leave you alone!”
Kyle was joking, but when he noticed her change in demeanor, Kyle brushed a kiss on Bebe’s cheek and the two of them left. Stan off to chase Wendy like a puppy, and Kyle there to keep them apart. The sitting room rumbled gently from all the voices, laughter, and wannabe snobs in the other rooms.
Hm. Forgot about Kenny still living here. I haven't seen him since high school. It felt like it wasn’t that long ago… I gotta get out of here.
Sneaking out the door is an over exaggeration. No one noticed her attempt at stealth. Out the front door and a 15 minute walk felt like eternity. She took a left turn and walked with no direction. The ability of being out of control for a moment was her greatest comfort. Nowhere to be, no one to see, just walking. A gas station light shined over the empty parking lot like a beacon of hope. Bebe immediately considered going in and looking around, praying she didn't know the cashier from middle school. At this point, whatever gave her a distraction for a moment. There was nothing in that convenience store that she could buy, but it didn’t hurt to browse. It’s not a TJ Maxx, but it will have to do. A cheap and old, rusted bell dinged. It sounded like a scream to her.
Ugh. What a noise..
The door she swung was half broken which caused her to stumble inside a bit. The cashier was obviously someone she went to school with. She couldn’t remember his name, but she did remember he was involved with her friend Red back in the day. Turning her head quickly she looked down and walked towards the back. This was a mistake, seeing anyone was not what she wanted. A night alone was what she wanted —
WHAM — THUD.
In her attempt to hide from the cashier, she ran into something full force and fell on the ground flat on her butt. A million curses went through her head and a few escaped her lips. With her hand on her hip she tried to stand but gave up, instead she decided to sit there for a second to collect herself. Her eyes readjusted to the fluorescent lighting above her. Was she seriously so out of it she ran into a shelf?
“Bebe?” The voice sent a shiver down her spine. A wave of feeling crashed onto her. It was not her usual anxiety. In a split second the entire world around her had come to a halt. Why did she find comfort in it?
Why did she know that voice?
***
Looking back at all them memories
Lord, I hate to sleep alone
But if you ever get the notion
That you need me, let me know
'Cause it's just two hours to get there babe
I can make it back about an hour or so
Two hearts beat in rhythm. Both their chests felt as if someone was hitting a kick drum.
Kenny scrambled to sit up while clutching beer against his chest. Quickly he turned towards the aisle beside them and started shoving bags under his arm. Hot Cheetos, Doritos, some type of snack mix. He seemed to have a thing for anything labeled hot, Bebe noticed.
Oh my God, it’s Kenny McCormick.
OH MY GOD. IT’S KENNY.
Once the realization hit, she was still on the ground so Bebe pushed herself up, kitten heels clacking. Staring as hard as she did at the boy caused her brow to furrow. She wanted to be angry. For some reason, she wasn’t.
“Aren’t you going to say sorry?” she spat, straightening her dress pants and watching him grab another small snack bag.
Instinctively he responded, “Sorry, Bebe.” like a scolded child. A child with a deep, smooth voice. The familiarity in his tone caused a flush to cross her face, and she realized that she missed his voice. Kenny adjusted the six pack he was holding while ignoring the Arizona can that had now rolled away to the hot dog station. His eyes were huge and blue, looking as anxious as he was obviously feeling. More freckles dotted his face than she remembered from when they were young. No more bright orange clothes either. Orange was replaced with work clothes, torn and worn. Carhartt? Bebe knew name brands. That was a name-brand he’s wearing, Bebe was surprised and impressed. Maybe back in the day he listened to her after all. Bebe was studying the man in front of her, trying hard to replace him with the boy she knew a long time ago.
Not making eye contact, he says “Meet me outside? There’s a picnic table next to the building.”
Bebe turned on her heels to watch him stride past her.
His heart was beating in his throat. Kenny knew he wanted to see her, but he could not bear a rejection from her. Why was she even at that gas station? Didn’t she move years ago to New York? Thoughts ran through his head and all he wanted to do was get the shit in his hands to Kevin.
“Well, Kenny is still a weirdo,” she thought out loud, half hoping he heard her.
Mumbling to herself was something she was doing a lot lately. A new trait she picked up from being alone.
Kenny’s heart was beating out of his chest. He knew he didn’t want all these snacks but for some reason, he felt like he needed to offer her something for sitting outside with him. He knew his presence wasn’t enough. His mind ran wild and he for sure thought he was finally losing it.
This was a weird happenstance moment to the “one that got away”. On New Year’s Eve. At a gas station. Even though he wanted to, he couldn’t invite her back to his apartment. It was trashed from when Craig came to visit for Christmas. He cringed at remembering the beer bottles everywhere, dirty clothes, dishes in the sink… Everything wrong with his life flashed in front of him after seeing her again. Bebe was so put together. She obviously was so much better off than him. What did he have to offer? Cheetos? Better than Pop Tarts, right? Kenny smiled at Kevin before he grabbed his pack of cigarettes and was out the door surprisingly behind Bebe. Unbeknownst to him, she was still avoiding Kevin.
The two stood in front of each other, and it looked almost comical. Kenny’s arms were overflowing with beer, cheap snacks, and nicotine. He wore a deep brown parka with a furry hood, similar to when he was a kid. On his chest was a small patch with the brand logo. Bebe was correct, he was wearing a name-brand.
Kenny felt embarrassed and underdressed at a damn gas station because he was standing in front of her. To Kenny, Bebe looked like she had just left some type of red carpet event. Black dress pants with a deep red blouse tucked in. The black coat she wore looked warmer than anything he had ever owned. It was long with almost matching fur to his on the cuffs. It was a designer coat. Kenny knew it had to be designer, it fit too well, and the buttons shined. Also, it was Bebe.
Jerking his head towards a picnic table under an old awning attached to the side of the store, he motioned for Bebe to follow him. To his surprise, she did. The two sat down across from each other awkwardly. Obviously, during warmer weather this area has other tables spread out in the park beside the convenience store, the same ones they spent time at in their youth. This was the only bench without inches of snow on the seats. Thankfully for them, there was no wind chill tonight, only dry cold, with their coats as their only protection. Kenny wished he could’ve just invited her back to his place, but the thought made him cringe again.
Kenny spilled his arms over the table and let everything fall. Picking up the pack of beer and setting it upright, he opened one of the bottles by popping the top off with a lighter. He slid it towards Bebe. With a semi disgusted look, she took it out of pure politeness. With his lighter,he popped another and took a long drink from the bottle, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. The two looked at each other in silence. Kenny took in how beautiful her green eyes were, reflecting the one street light next to them.
Bebe watched him back, taking in how many more freckles were on his face than she remembered and how he had grown up, too. He was handsome but a bit rugged. Bebe’s stomach was swirling with nerves. She tried her best to not think about how handsome Kenny McCormick grew up to be. He no longer had his signature womanizer vibe around him like when they were young. He felt softer, more assured of himself. The two watched each other.
“Hi, Ken,” she said, breaking the silence. Her voice was small.
“Hi Bebe.” His response sounded just as small. He took a sharp breath in and gripped his bottle tight.
“I haven’t seen you since, um,” she thought for a moment, “high school?”
“High school. We dated for a few months. You broke up with me senior year in your red convertible.” His laugh was half forced, smiling at her.
Nervousness showed on Bebe’s face now. “Oh yeah, huh. Whatta’ time, right?”
Kenny nodded in agreement, “If my memory is correct, we were inseparable for about 8 or 9 months. Lots of parties, I remember that, and when you got your first car, we would cruise around all night. Watching sunrises and sharing that old flask I stole from my dad.”
Kenny let out a nervous laugh,
“Ha, it was so easy to build connections with people back then. Before real life hit ya, know? Oh, shit, I didn’t even ask if you drank beer. Here, take whatever you want. Or, I could run in and grab you something else?”
Kenny caught himself rambling. He pushed bags towards her then started fidgeting with a bottle cap. In his head, he knew there wasn’t much he could do to make an impression at this point. He was still in shock that she sat down with him at all. Bebe hoped that she didn’t look as nervous as he appeared, though she felt it, too. The air was beyond awkward, it was something completely different.
Bebe felt competitive, so she grabbed the bottle and brought it to her lips. Trying to not care if it messed up her Mac Rebel lipstick. Ironic. She was cool, she was fun, she could drink cheap beer in a gas station with a boy she dated for almost a year in high school! No problem! Bebe made a sour face at the first sip, but swallowed anyway followed by a heavy sigh. Looking up, she saw Kenny cocking his brow and a smirk on his face.
“Sorry, no Chardonnay over here.” A chuckle escaped him.
“I don’t even like Chardonnay. I prefer Riesling.”
Kenny gave her a wide smile.
Despite the bitter bready taste, she took another long swig and slammed the bottle down. Without thinking, she reached into the open snack bag and ate a handful. At that moment, explosions went off inside of her, feeling a freedom she had been keeping herself from for so long to stay in control. Freedom of every restraint she had put on herself these last years. The next swig she took was real and no longer minding the taste. Now, Bebe was having fun. Bebe is allowing herself to have fun.
“So, Ken, What have you been doing all this time?” she asked in between bites of different chips and chasing it down with the bottle provided.
The two talked. Time seemed to pass much too fast. They were sharing a moment completely indulged in cheap beer, gas station snacks, and each other.
Kenny explained his life these past years, and Bebe took it all in. She was shocked at how grown up Kenny was. Responsible, independent guy, but still parties on holidays with Craig Tucker. She scoffed at that unlikely pair. Bebe told her blonde boy about her life and maybe left a few things out. They discussed who is doing what in town, who is gone, who is dating who, the type of conversation she loved. Bebe asked for a second beer. Kenny taught her how to pop the cap off using his lighter. She was ecstatic, letting out a happy scream when she popped it herself, and raising it while foam overflowed onto her hand.
Reaching down, Kenny pulled at the bottom of his shirt, leaning his body over the short table and used it to dry her hand. The swirls were back in her stomach the moment he touched her arm.
With a new bag of chips in her lap, she was laughing between handfuls. Without a care, she washed it down with whatever the cheap beer that Kenny bought. He was funny and handsome in a way that was different than what she was used to. Bebe was gossiping with Kenny, knowing that she could trust him and that he would keep it confidential. The best part for Bebe was knowing that Kenny was actually listening to her, not just waiting for his turn to talk or attempting to come up with the right words for her to hear. Kenny was resting his chin in his hand with a bright smile on his face, taking in everything she was. Bebe knew this. They both felt seen for the first time in a long time.
“So that's why Stan was acting weird? They are still friends, but mostly Wendy, and.. Cartman? Eric Cartman? Really? No way. I would have guessed Stan, but Cartman?”
With a smirk, Kenny nodded.
“Oh yeah they’re In love, and it’s super fuckin’ weird. Cartman wasn’t invited to the party, as you probably know. He will pitch a fit and be an ass, but at the end of the day, he’s lowkey excited for Kyle to come home and tell him about his day.”
Bebe held the bottle to her mouth, shocked.
“Well,” she started before taking a sip of beer, “I always thought they’d kill each other before they start dating.”
Kenny laughed alongside her.
“Whatta’bout you, Babes, got a lucky man in the big city?”
When he called her Babes, she straightened her back. Memories she pushed out all these years started to come back. Specifically in high school when he called her ‘Babes’ to shorten her name. It was a pet name he gave her. The swirls were back inside her stomach and chest, and she loved it. She wanted him to say it again. Instead of telling him that, she glanced down at the chip bag she had her hand in. Real life hit her and it made sure to halt the good feeling she was having. A vague memory of Kenny sucker punching a guy at a party after grabbing her inappropriately crossed her mind.
Bebe realized she blocked a lot of memories over the years, even the happier ones. Suddenly, she remembered that he asked her a question, and she tried to come back to the present. The people that flashed in her head weren’t worth talking about. She preferred being alone most of the time. At least she was aware of being high maintenance and closed off. Everything that she had built in her life seemed superficial while she was spending this time with Kenny. She knew he never minded her being high maintenance, even now.
“No, actually. Been career focused these days. Too busy to have meaningful relationships, you know, constantly traveling and on the go.” She rested her arms on the table and looked at the boy across from her. She hoped for something, she just wasn’t sure what.
“That’s too bad.” Kenny lit a cigarette.
“Ew, Ken, that’s so bad for you!”
“So is the vape in your pocket.” He cocked his eyebrow and glanced at the rectangular shape in her pocket of her dress pants. She forgot she had that. She remembered not much gets past him.
“We used to share smokes all the time back in the day. That vape can’t be much better for you,” he chuckled.
Bebe flushed. She knew there wasn’t a point in arguing with Kenny McCormick.
Leaning over the short table she abruptly took the cigarette from his fingers and took a drag much too long. The act of defiance immediately backfired since she forgot it wasn’t a vape, and the look of regret spread on her face. When she exhaled slowly, a rush of lightheadedness hit her, and her hands began to tingle. She heard Kenny chuckle, and she shot him a look. After a while, she let out a laugh herself.
“Ya know, Ken,” Bebe started, her eyes looking down at the things spread across the table and took a small drag of her cigarette, feeling the menthol hit the back of her throat, “Sometimes I miss drinking beer and smoking.”
Even Bebe knew that took a lot to admit. Kenny held back a laugh and took his cigarette back from her. After attempting to hold it back and failing, Kenny let out a laugh so hard he rocked the table. Asking her why she missed something so easily available seemed like a simple question, and her face alone answered it very quickly. Bebe was opening up. He liked that, feeling like they could understand each other with looks. When she shot him a look, Kenny’s chest swirled again.
This feeling inside him was as if Bebe never left, that they had stayed together all this time. When Kenny took another drag, Bebe reached out and grabbed his free hand. The boy felt his heart leap into his throat. He intertwined their fingers and held her as gently as his calloused hands could. The two sat in silence and basked in the moment of each other's touch. Using her free hand to point two fingers out, she motioned for her share of his cigarette once more. He took a long drag before placing it carefully between her fingers like she silently asked for him to do.
“Are you happy?” Kenny asked, breaking the silence. His voice was soft again, genuine.
Bebe took a drag, exhaling it aggressively, an air of shock around her from his question.
That moment seemed so still and quiet. It felt as if Kenny had broken the feeling she indulged in and the fantasy world she created with him. He was breaking down everything around her. They felt as if they were the only ones who existed. Bebe stared down at the table. One of her hands was still holding his while the other had his menthol cigarette. As she took a long drag, she contemplated for a moment how to answer, and Kenny was patiently giving her all the time she needed. His gaze never looked away from her while ash from the cigarette fell on the table.
“No,” Bebe said bluntly, locking eyes with him.
“What are you gonna do about that?”
She couldn’t help but chew her bottom lip.
“I don’t know,” she responded meekly, shrugging one shoulder.
“There’s nothing wrong with not knowing. You got all the time in the world to figure it out. You're a smart girl, and you know deep down what you want. I believe in you.”
They broke their stare when Kenny reached over with his free hand to grab the cigarette she had let burn down more than halfway. Bebe was constantly in between feeling like she was in her own fantasy world with Kenny and continuously getting hit with small reminders of her real life. She still had to go home, realizing then that no one has called and asked where she was. Clinging to the fantasy was what she wanted. She wanted to be here. No one spoke to her like Kenny did, no one looked at her or listened to her like Kenny did. She felt comfortable being vulnerable in front of him like she could take down all the walls she built; she didn’t have to play a front, or bat her eyes, or play a game to feel wanted. She was free to just be her. She knew he loved her.
Kenny, however, was just happy to hold her hand. Every bit of anxiety he felt before washed away while watching her let go and become the girl he missed. He could tell after her admitting she missed simplicities in life that he had his real Bebe in front of him. There was enough happiness in just that for him to walk on air.
However, noticing her inner turmoil, Kenny decided to bring up something that he hoped could put that aside. Either she would laugh at him or he could actually talk about it, either way he knew he would regret it if he didn’t say it.
“You know, you were my first love. Funny, right?”
Kenny hoped saying that would be enough to break whatever crisis she was having inside.
Bebe gripped his hand, “No way. You’re lying!”
“Nope. My one that got away,” he said in a sing-song voice, followed by an exhale of smoke. “But it’s kind of pathetic,” he took another drag and exhaled, “when I think about those nights I had too much to drink and considered calling you. Just to hear your voice and remind myself you were real.”
Kenny shrugged with a smile and tried to play off what he was admitting as nonchalant or something for her to laugh at.
He continued to ramble, “I mean, who calls up their high school ex-girlfriend years later except someone drunk and stupid, eh? To think I wanted to call and admit I’ve had a few thoughts about you is probably a huge turn off.”
Kenny had that very specific smile that she knew well. It was cocky. He swallowed hard and waited for a response. His eyes wandered around for a moment, obviously scared to make eye contact. A part of him was hoping she was still going to laugh at him.
Bebe scanned his face. Watching him put out the cigarette they just shared, resting his arm back on the table and finally looking at her with his cocky smile. He waited for her to laugh. Instead, he caught her deep green eyes. Her curls had fallen gently in her face. Fighting himself back from brushing them out of the way to get a better look at her. Her brow furrowed with a semi serious look on her face. Bebe was dumbfounded. Maybe she was still in love, too.
“What do we do about that?”
“About what?” Kenny asked, confused.
“Being the ones that got away from each other. Life is so different now, so what do we do?”
Bebe had a pleading look in her eyes. The tone in her voice wanted answers. She was asking more questions inside than she had the confidence to say out loud. Kenny took his free hand and placed it on top of their interlocked fingers. He chuckled weakly, and he did not know what to do, but he was obviously trying. There was no way to answer that question.
A part of him wanted to say
“You move into my apartment and I take care of you, work on your designs and art, I will take care of everything if you just let me come home to you.”
Kenny knew that starting anything with Bebe would set her back in life. Kenny couldn’t do that. He loved Bebe more than that.
“Nothing. What can we do?” Kenny shrugged his shoulders.
His voice was comforting but that response was not what she wanted to hear. It wasn’t the response he wanted to give. Bebe wanted Kenny to sweep her off her feet.
Unrealistic, she knew.
Better for her he didn’t, he knew.
Bebe felt like she couldn’t breathe. Finishing off her bottle she opened her third beer which she split with him. She nodded her head a few times.
“What can we do?” she reiterated, picking at the corner of the label on the bottle with her nail.
***
'Cause I know you and you know me
And we both know where this is gonna lead
You want me to say that I want you to stay
So you should probably leave
There's still time for you to finish your wine
Then you should probably leave
And it's hard to resist, alright, just one kiss
Then you should probably leave
Bebe ended the silence by changing the topic and started discussing things they did before. Their lives, people they knew, gossip, all kinds of updates and whatever they could think up. A few more shared cigarettes and finishing off the six pack of cheap bottled beer. It still felt like a quick moment between the two. They were still holding hands while leaning across the table. Finally, it was Kenny that broke and let go of her hand. Bebe held it there in the same position in case he would reach back out to her. Stretching his arms above his head, he made a groaning noise then grabbed all the things on the table. Bebe sat, waiting. She knew their time was coming to an end.
“You know, I’d offer you a ride home, but I walked. Want me to walk you instead?”
Bebe nodded. She felt like her legs had weights on them. She was a little drunk at that point. Kenny walked over to her side of the bench and took her hand. He leaned under the table and grabbed his old skateboard. Bebe never even noticed he had it.
She giggled, “Still skateboarding? That’s cute.” Giving his hand a squeeze and swinging his arm playfully.
“Saves me money on gas but definitely showed me my age today,” Kenny scoffed.
Bebe liked their back and forth and she craved more of it. A part of her didn’t want to go home, and she considered inviting him inside or asking about his place. The idea of growing old with him crossed her mind like a bolt of lightning.
The two walked hand in hand towards the Stevens New Years Eve party. Once they reached the house, they could see the lights and motions of people inside. Nothing had changed since Bebe left. The neighbors' Christmas lights still twinkled on the snow she had watched earlier. Standing in the doorway together, Kenny watched the warm lights on Bebe’s house reflect like specs in her green eyes. Bebe watched the lights dance over his freckles.
Kenny gently cupped the side of her face, and leaned down. He paused before his lips brushed against her cheek in a soft kiss.
His chest swelled again and felt his heartbeat in his throat. He was thankful that those few beers helped his confidence. Bebe reached her hands up and grabbed his face, passionately planting a kiss on his mouth. Kenny leaned into it, wrapping one arm around her waist, feeling the wool of her designer coat. Bebe held his face with both hands and felt his free hand on top of hers.
The two stood, holding the kiss. Kenny pulled away and pressed his forehead against hers. A few stray tears rolled down Bebe’s cheeks.
The moment felt like eternity and no time at all. The pair were the only people in existence at that moment.
“Bye, Bebe. You have a party to get to,” whispered Kenny, lifting his head.
He pressed his face against her curls then planted another small kiss on the side of her head. He slowly let go of her waist. Bebe wanted to grab it and put it back. He held her hand as he walked away from her doorstep, until their arms stretched out to each other. Then, it was only their fingertips hooked together. Kenny took one more step and their arms fell to their sides.
“Love you, see you soon.” He blew her a kiss once their hands were far enough away and unable to touch each other once again.
Bebe watched him and waved to his back while he walked down her driveway.
“Bye, Ken,” she whispered. “I love you, too.”
Bebe watched him walk down the road, his silhouette illuminated by street lights with gentle falling snow. Soon, he disappeared behind the pines. Bebe had never felt more alone.