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It hurt Pangi for Lukey to see him like this; broken, weak, disgusting… incompetent.
He’d been in a rut for a while now, imposter syndrome, but then it got worse and worse as the videos he put out didn’t hit expectations or completely fell through. The symptoms started off with late meals and missing the walks; usually opting for his sister to take Binky for a walk instead of him. Before long it all started adding up: he sent Tertel a termination letter, constant headaches, and the once vibrant calendar fell empty to endless hours stuck in bed.
His sister called their mom over out of worry, but he played it off well as a quick fever from overworking. With empty promises to eat properly and getting more rest she left to Pangi’s relief, which then turned into daily acts of pretend with his sister as he swallowed food, but regurgitated it in shaking fits after. He felt empty. A fraud.
Multiple times he left messages from friends on read and calls unanswered, feigning sleep and illness to pacify their overt worries. The lies kept adding up as the days went on and eventually tangled up to a point with a surprise visit from probably the only person he least wanted to see him like this. Lukey.
Pangi’s room had pretty much been shut off from the rest of the world. The doors always remained closed, windows slightly open, and the curtains drawn only enough to let a sliver of light through. Up until the door was opened and the familiar scent of apples invaded his senses.
“Hey…” It was a careful greeting, quiet and to the point, yet Pangi could tell it held the heavy weight of concern. “I’m not gonna lie, I almost didn’t believe your sister when she said you’d locked yourself up here. But- well nevermind, it’s nice seeing you again Pangi.”
Lukey stood by his door, slightly hovering between entering and leaving. He wore an all-white sweater and sported a fond smile. It would be a lie if he admitted that the scene didn’t give him butterflies.
Pangi closed his eyes nonetheless, exhaustion washing over him followed by guilt which killed any other rising emotion.
“What are you doing here?” His voice was hoarse and rapped from disuse.
There wasn’t a response, only the silent padding of footsteps and the sinking feeling of the bed’s edge before a slightly-cold palm lightly touched his forehead.
“Well, good to know you aren’t sick with fever.” His tone was shaky.
Leave me alone…
“At least everyone can chill out, ya know they were all worried right? I had to hold them all back with the promise I’d visit and take care of you.” Lukey narrated his trip slowly, a hand finding its way to Pangi’s shoulder- his thumb gently petting him: from the people worrying about his health, Tertel’s concern, a call from his sister, and then booking an overnight flight over— it almost seemed like some shitty movie plot.
Why do you care? Why do they care?
Pangi covered his head with the abundant blankets around him. He wanted Lukey to leave and forget everything he saw. He wanted to apologize for being a burden on everyone. He wanted so desperately to be the Pangi they all knew and loved, but he couldn't. He just wanted– wanted…
To die?
“I’m fine, you should go. Don’t you have a movie you’re working on or something?” The words came out faster than he’d thought, sharper than he’d intended.
Please don’t…
Lukey sighed and chuckled lightly, “It’s not your call to make, mister. You’re stuck with me, this is what you get for ignoring me for 17 times in a row.”
That’s not true–! I wouldn’t ignore… I would. You did.
Although Pangi couldn’t see what was going on from under the covers, the shift in weight and temp suggested that the other boy had chosen to stay true to his word and laid down beside him. No sooner, he felt an arm lay over his waist and reached around until Lukey found his hand that wasn’t hidden under the blanket cocoon and held it.
“I’ve got you.” It was a muffled whisper just for him to hear.
Pangi grasped the hand and pulled it closer to his chest as tears silently spilled down his cheeks.
Thank you…
They spent the rest of the day like that undisturbed.
To Pangi’s surprise, Lukey was serious about sticking to him. It’s been three days since he’d arrived from out of the blue and for most of it, he was the one next to him: silently taking care of him and chatting about the nonsensical things he’d missed.
To which was usually met with silence. The nagging voices in his head had slowly quieted down a lot since then though.
The older gentleman never pushed him to do anything, only ever offering suggestions and riling him up in some sort of rage baiting fashion to get him to eat small amounts of food that he’d otherwise disparage.
At one point, they got into a super heated argument which resulted in warm soup spilling over Lukey’s sweatpants he’d chosen to wear that day. Pangi was then met with one of the most terrible moments of his life, Lukey’s disappointed glare. He quietly finished a bowl of soup without complaint that evening.
This continued on for about a week, all the while Pangi only ever offered small grunts of approval or silent objection to most forms of interaction. Yet, the ever present Lukey was patient throughout it all. It warmed his heart that a friend would do so much for him, but the guilt also became overbearing as time passed between them…
One-sided conversations became the breeding ground for those dark thoughts that never left.
“Ya know Tertel and Aimey are the most worried about you? They actually call me every now and then when you’re asleep and ask how you’re doing.” Lukey was folding some of his laundry, another hard fought battle of wills to which Pangi listlessly gave up on.
Turtle is probably better off with someone more successful to work for….
Lukey was absently scrolling through videos on his phone one day and attempted to show him a fancam of them two with a light laugh. “Everyone misses you Pangi. You have no idea the amount of messages I get asking if you’re okay. Seriously, how did they even know I’m with you?”
They probably don’t care. They only care if they get their stupid gay yaoi. It’s not like that anything was real….
“Look, I bought a new shirt! Your sister was nice enough to suggest some new colors for me.” Lukey came into his room wearing an off-white button up shirt, on the chest where a pocket should’ve been was a stitched in pattern of a cornflower.
Why… Why do you torment me with glimpses of what could never be..?!
It was the evening of whatever day- Pangi had lost count- Lukey had convinced him to watch the sunset from his window with him with the promise that they wouldn’t have to go out to the dining room for dinner.
“Kinda romantic if you think about it,” the older boy said between bites of lasagna. “We’re here in your room, alone, watching the sunset and eating the same food we had for our first dinner date on the realm, remember?”
Pangi watched him in silence as he almost choked mid-laugh to the memory. His own plate had long been empty, Lukey was kind enough to never give him portions that would be too daunting.
Romantic?
Do you even think Lukey would ever have those sort of feelings to someone so pathetic?
He has models and movie stars as friends, you’re nothing!
Lukey couldn’t ever lo—
“Pangi!” Warm hands had cupped his face and a gaze filled with concern watched him. “Ar- Are you okay?” It was barely a whisper yet it shook the regretful feelings crowding his chest, agitating them even more. He tried to turn his head away, but he didn’t realize how strong the young producer was.
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
“You zoned out and weren’t responding to anything. I didn’t mean to yell...” Lukey apologized in a soft voice and pulled him into a hug, nothing tight, but he could feel Lukey’s quickened heartbeat.
Please… I don’t want you to see me like this… please……..
They sat there, letting the silence speak in their stead, just finding the comfort in being so close.
“I-” Pangi’s voice faltered and his shoulders started to shake, “I feel like a failure…”
And before he knew it he couldn’t stop.
“The cha- channel wasn’t doing well. I had to drop Tertel as an editor… everything feels like it’s falling apart and I just couldn't—” His voice broke as the words escaped him.
“I didn’t want to be a disappointment- I didn’t want to drag him down with me- nothing was going right- everything was just— and you, I feel like y-you…”
“Shhhhhh…” Lukey interrupted him, guiding him to his shoulder, “It’s okay…”
A cascade of liquified fear, worry, and guilt came bursting forth in waves, followed by shuddering shoulders and deep gasps for air. Pangi was drowning, yet he was also in the safest place in the world.
Pangi wept, he wanted to stop, he really did. Yet everything kept pouring out onto the shoulders of his best friend; it was quiet, torturous, and everything hurt. He didn’t notice when the arms around him shed the blanket that held him together, when they rubbed slow concentric circles on his back, or when they pulled him close enough to hear the whispers of someone who’s heart was breaking to see him like this.
“We can take it slow, ya know? Small steps.” Lukey’s voice cracked, “I’ll be there with you every step of the way. Just- don’t ever think of yourself that way again. Please…”
It was midnight when Pangi awoke all crusty-eyed from the dried tears that overwhelmed him before. He found himself wearing a new shirt, pajama bottoms, and— a familiar blue flannel… it smelled nice, comforting, safe.
Beside him was the boy who’d stayed with him at his worst, wearing a standard white tee and black pajama bottoms. Typical. One arm strayed across the small gap between them to his hip, the other tucked beneath the pillow which his messy head lay. A little bit of drool quietly pooled out the corner of his mouth.
Pangi held back a laugh. He wished he had his phone with him, it was rare to see Lukey so open like this and so close. But he couldn't even recall what had happened the day before, yet he felt… free.
He settled back in the blankets that covered them, opting to close the distance that had split them before. To his surprise, Lukey’s arms pulled him in a secure hug.
“Don’t ever leave me…” A groggy mumble broke the quiet.
Pangi felt a warmth drift through his stomach, climbing higher. “Why would I do that?”
“Mmmmm good,” the arm around him grew a little tighter and he felt the warm breath against the nape of his neck. “I promised you and you said yes.”
“What did I promise?” He really couldn’t remember, his own fingers played with Lukey’s. He opened his hand and threaded theirs together, putting it against his chest.
“We’ll deal with everything together. One step at a time.” Lukey seemed to be waking up now, the slurred speech from before had become more coherent. Pangi could feel the change in his heartbeat.
“That if it was too much, we’d take it day by day. And if that is too much, hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second, and so on until we get through it together.”
I would. I want to. I will.
“Really? I promised all of that… that doesn’t sound like me man.”
He was met with a low, extended groan. “Pangi, pleeeease…” There was a pause, “you also promised that you’d eat downstairs tomorrow and eat anything I give you.”
Pfffft. Liar!
He held a laugh back, smiling into their intertwined hands as he shook his head. “Minute by minute, I like that.”
I love you.
“Mmmmmm… I love you too.”