Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ellie’s life in the QZ wasn’t easy, for many reasons, but they were used to it. They spent so much time just trying to survive, they didn’t always take notice of the things that made their life harder than most.

There were a lot of things that Ellie hated about FEDRA. The strict routines and curfews, the harsh punishment, the rationing, the violence. To name a few that came to mind. But these were all commonly loathed, and it was easy to explain why they hated it. One thing that Ellie personally detested, without really being able to explain why, was the strict gender segregation present in FEDRA school.

When Ellie was growing up in the nursery, they hadn’t really taken notice of the fact that they were only around girls. All the kids were dressed the same, and nobody paid them much attention. It was when school started, that Ellie became aware of the situation. 

In classes, training, and dormitories, the boys and girls of FEDRA military school were strictly separate. At first the fact was simply baffling to Ellie, then it irritated them. Were the boys learning different things in their classes, were they trained differently? If so then Ellie didn’t want to miss out, why should they? And why should the boys learn different things anyway? And if they weren’t then what was the point? 

Sometimes during sparring drills they looked over to where the boys were working, and asked a teacher if they could fight one of them. Teachers either glared and didn’t respond, or laughed. “You can’t fight them, they’re stronger than you.” 

Ellie thought that was stupid, sure some of the boys were stronger, but not all of them. And plenty of the girls were much bigger and stronger than Ellie, that never stopped them being paired up. Another kid called Riley sidled up to Ellie and muttered in their ear “I think you’re right, we’re strong and we should be allowed to test ourselves how we like.” Then she smiled at Ellie, Ellie smiled back, blushing.

The only times they were allowed to mingle were the short breaks in which they were permitted to go outside in the enclosed yard, and mealtimes in the lunch hall. FEDRA orphans weren’t exactly social creatures, and strict in-groups were quickly formed, but Ellie observed that these social groups were also restricted by gender, despite the lack of teacher involvement.

Ellie didn’t really have friends themself. They wandered from group to group, they were interested in the games the boys played and tried to join in. Most of the boys jeered at Ellie, pushing and kicking, and driving them away yelling “Get lost! Go play with the other girls.” Ellie jeered right back and stalked away. There were a few boys, mostly outcasts themselves, who would let Ellie join in with their games, since they were strong and fast. But they wouldn’t often spare time for conversation.

The girls were hardly better, it was clear that Ellie was supposed to be one of them, but they didn’t fit, and most groups shunned them. It was years until Ellie made a proper friend, Riley. Ellie thought she was the coolest person in the whole school. Riley wasn’t exactly popular herself, but anyone would have more social capital than Ellie, so with her help, they became more sociable with the girls.

Late one night, when a few of the girls had snuck out of their dorms, someone asked Ellie “Why do you hang out with the boys so much? It’s weird.” Ellie’s hackles raised, they thought it was weird that despite going to the same school and being in the same situation, the boys and girls would simply stare reproachfully at each other, instead of being friends. 

“Why shouldn’t I?” They snapped. “I don’t see why you lot act like they have the plague.” The girls laughed and Ellie scowled, Riley laid a calming hand on their shoulder. As they had all been getting older, it had become even harder for Ellie to interact across the invisible boundary of gender, everyone seemed intent on widening that gap.

“You know that boy only hangs out with you because he fancies you, right?” Someone else said. There was more laughter. 

You’re wrong . Thought Ellie. He’s my friend. Maybe he was, but a week later he tried to kiss Ellie, and when they pushed him away, saying they liked him, just not like that, he stormed away angrily; and Ellie lost their remaining male friend.

It was as they got older that Ellie started to realise more and more that they just didn’t belong with the other girls. They wanted to, they wanted to fit in, at least a bit, but they just didn’t seem to connect. 

Ellie didn’t understand why, they didn’t know how to explain it, it was an unexplainable feeling, at FEDRA wasn’t really a place people had heart to hearts.

Ellie only ever truly confided their feelings in Riley. Once, during a late-night conversation, they got up the courage to tell Riley how much they detested the label of womanhood. To their surprise, Riley instantly agreed with the sentiment, and started a whole rant of her own about how unfair the standards and expectations for femininity were, and how poorly women were treated compared to men. Ellie listened in silence, nodding. They did agree with all the things Riley said, but they also realised that she clearly wasn’t thinking the same things that Ellie was.

Riley was right, femininity was restrictive, but Ellie didn’t need the box labelled woman to be expanded; they needed to escape it. Of course they wanted women to be treated fairly, and given equal opportunities, but that was for The sake of Riley, and all the other girls Ellie knew, not for themself. No matter how equal the boxes of men and women were, Ellie just wished the boxes didn’t exist, or that they could simply run far away from it all. But Ellie didn’t say this to Riley, they felt afraid to articulate such a thought, it seemed so drastic, but also like it would take away from all the important things she was saying.

Besides, the feelings were near impossible to articulate. The restriction was so pervasive, it seemed an insurmountable task to describe it, and the way it made Ellie feel.

They decided to ignore it, best they could. It was a childish hang-up, they decided. Ellie could be like Riley; confident, unique, in defiance of what made a “proper woman”. Ellie could be that, and that would be enough, it had to be.

Chapter Text

When Riley died Ellie felt like the world had ended. When they left the QZ, it was as if the world had opened up, expanded to distances they never thought possible. Of course they knew that the world outside Boston was massive, but knowing it and being outside those walls themselves was completely different.

Being on the road with Joel was the most freeing thing Ellie had ever experienced. Being outside the QZ, obviously, and away from FEDRA for the first time, they had never felt so alive. 

Joel had rules, plenty of them, but they all seemed to have the ultimate purpose of keeping him and Ellie safe, not exerting control over them. And that simple context made all the difference. More importantly, Joel seemed to have very little interest in telling Ellie who to be or how to act; aside from faking annoyance at their puns.

The longer Ellie spent on the road, with no one but them and Joel to talk to, the less restricted they felt. It was as if the box they had been living in had melted away, and every day they felt more and more just like a person . Like they and Joel were just two people travelling together, not specifically an old man and a little girl, as some people put it. Ellie never realised that thinking of themself as just a person could make them so happy.

Joel helped with this, however unintentionally. When he wasn’t (playfully) insulting Ellie, he would often call them kid, or kiddo. He never addressed them as “girl” or “little miss”. Ellie used to think that they hated these monikers because they felt infantilising, but “kiddo” made their heart leap, despite the childish connotations.

Bill wasn’t a bad guy per say, but boy did he annoy Ellie. He glared at them, and called them “little girl” and it felt like a slap in the face. You don’t know me! Ellie wanted to scream. You don’t know how I act, how I think, what I like, or who I am. But with that one assumption, that of their gender, Ellie knew that Bill had assumed a whole bunch about them. That was the only reason it bothered them , thought Ellie, insistently; because Bill was probably thinking that they liked pink frills and dancing or something. They tried to ignore the fact that they had almost forgotten that people looked at them and saw a girl, after so long on the road. And they tried to deny that that fact bothered them, why would it? They were a girl after all. They ignored how horrible that thought made them feel even harder.

Despite the rocky start of their first meeting, Ellie and Sam got on like they had been friends for years. It was the kind of friendship Ellie had been wishing for all their childhood. It was even better than those long ago days when Ellie would play games with the boys. 

Sam let them read his comics. Ellie stole the toy robot for him. He laughed at their puns. They had so many interests in common, and unlike the FEDRA kids, Sam never sneered at Ellie, and told them to go play with girls instead, he was just as happy to have a friend.

“I like your name.” Ellie said at one point. They had met a few Sams in the past, and it hadn’t escaped their notice that it seemed a name deemed suitable for any gender. Ellie liked their name, it was a gift from their mother, but a part of them wished they had a name that wouldn’t immediately cram them in a gendered box the moment it was uttered. 

Sam didn’t know any of this though, he just smiled and replied “I like yours too.”

Sam’s death was so sudden, Henry’s even more so. Joel didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t like to dwell on the past, or feelings. Ellie understood, they knew about keeping feelings inside.

Chapter Text

When Ellie and Joel first passed through Jackson, Ellie wasn’t particularly interested in it. Sure it was a place they could get food, and rest in a proper bed instead of in the woods, but altogether it was just another stop on their journey, and they were keen to keep on moving. 

However as the weeks on the road continued, they grew more attached to the idea of Jackson. With the way Joel spoke about it, and the increasingly harsh contrast between life on the road and the little town, Ellie found themselves thinking of Jackson as their final destination. They were impatient to return, to go home. They could hardly believe that’s how they were thinking about Jackson, but there it was. 

The journey to Salt Lake was long and painful, the journey back was like a nightmare. Ellie felt set adrift, despairing in their failure. The only comfort was Joel, talking about how their new life in Jackson would be. Saying he would teach Ellie to swim, and play guitar, Ellie could almost believe that they would be a sort of family, just the two of them. That was what kept them going, and by the time the pair returned to Jackson, Ellie felt almost ready to live again.

When they arrived, Ellie and Joel were introduced to the process of becoming citizens of Jackson. 

Ellie was relieved when Joel finally got his injury looked at by a medical professional, but when it came to their own health check they were very wary. Neither of the two were particularly trusting of doctors at this point, and Joel stayed with Ellie the whole time, ostensibly to make sure their bite mark wasn’t seen, but truthfully Ellie was just grateful for the comfort.

After a short discussion with Tommy and Maria, it was decided that Joel and Ellie would be put down as related on Jackson’s paperwork. They explained that this would make things easier for them to live together straight away. They both quickly agreed and spoke no further over it to each other. 

Ellie still remembered Joel’s harsh words the last time they were in this house. “I sure as hell ain’t your dad.” Joel hadn’t made any objections to the paperwork, so they assumed (hoped) that he was less hostile to the idea. Still, Ellie made no mention of how pleased they were with the new categorisation. It didn’t escape their notice that, although Joel being referred to as their dad made their heart leap, them being referred to as daughter was a lot less appealing.

It took a lot of persuading to get Ellie into school. Despite the many ways their cross-country trek had sucked, Ellie still much preferred the time when it was just them and Joel, and they were particularly apprehensive due to their memories of the time spent in FEDRA school.

When they eventually agreed to try going to school, they were tense and stand-offish, but soon found that school in Jackson was nothing like FEDRA school. The kids were mostly friendly, and even those who weren’t too keen on Ellie were still mostly nice to each other. The teachers seemed intent on helping the students to learn as much as possible, and when Ellie got frustrated and started swearing at the teacher, they were firmly, but still kindly, asked to stand outside the classroom. There were no beatings, which shocked Ellie so much they mentioned it to Joel. Joel looked pained at that, and before Ellie could ask why, he simply hugged them close. 

Almost as surprising, in Jackson, all the students of the same age took classes together. They weren’t split up into boys and girls classes, they were even mixed up within the classroom. Getting to sit in a room with a proper mix of genders made Ellie grin like mad. It was almost good enough to make up for the gendered bathrooms. At the school there was a girls’ toilet and a boys’ toilet. They hadn’t even seen that in FEDRA, since everyone had been so separated the toilets were on completely different floors. When they first looked at it they stood outside for several minutes, deliberating. Ellie knew where they were meant to go, they were a girl after all; despite the pain that that thought caused them. So naturally they should go to the girls’ toilets. But that felt wrong , intrusive; Ellie didn’t belong there, that feeling was clear as day. But they couldn’t go in the boys’, that was wrong too. Eventually they just turned around, deciding to wait until they got home.

So despite some issues, life in Jackson seemed pretty sweet to Ellie. They were making friends; they especially liked Cat, Dina, and Jesse. And they were getting along better with Tommy and Maria. Everything was starting to feel a bit too comfortable, and Ellie was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It had been a couple of weeks since Ellie had started school, and they were eating lunch with Jesse, Dina, and Cat. 

“Have you started any after-school activities yet?” Cat asked Ellie, they shook their head. “You should! They’re great fun, what would you like to do?” 

“I dunno, I like… active things I guess.” Jesse turned to join the conversation.

“I do soccer. Have you ever played?” Ellie perked up. Soccer was the game that the FEDRA boys would play.

“Not really, but I know how.” 

“Oh, you should try it Ellie.” Dina jumped in. “I bet you’d be really good at that.” Ellie smiled bashfully, but they were excited at the idea.

“Yeah, we could play together.” They said to Jesse, but he laughed.

“Well we won’t play together.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because you’ll be on the girls’ team, obviously.” Ellie’s heart sank. They had been so pleased that they could play the game they had always wanted too, but now they were learning that they couldn’t play it with their friend; they were being separated out again, just like at FEDRA. They scowled.

“Why?” It came out sharply. They were so frustrated. Why couldn’t they play with Jesse? Why couldn’t everyone just play together? It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t fair.  

The others giggled slightly. 

“Because you’re a girl.” Jesse said like it was obvious. Ellie snapped.

“NO I’M NOT!” They shouted.

Their friends stared. Ellie was filled with dread, and without waiting for anything else, they turned and ran.

Chapter Text

Ellie ran all the way home without stopping. They ran all the way up the stairs, into their room, and curled up on their bed. 

Why did I say that? I was so stupid. They all think I’m a freak now.

Ellie was upset, but more than anything they were confused. Why did they say that? But even as they thought it, they knew the statement had felt right, it felt good, to proclaim that they were not a girl. Did they just hate women? Was that why they loathed the idea so much? It was a miserable thought, but it couldn’t be true. They had adored Riley with everything they had. Cat and Dina were great friends, and they had been getting closer to Maria too. There was nothing wrong with any of them. So, Ellie concluded, something must be wrong with me.

When Joel returned from patrol, he was informed that Ellie had left school in the middle of the day. Concerned, he quickly rushed home, only to find Ellie curled up in a ball in bed.

Ellie hadn’t moved since they had come home, not until Joel barged into their room. 

“Ellie! There you are, I was worried. Your teacher said you left school early, are you feeling okay?” It wasn’t the first time Ellie had skipped school, it was usually because they had gotten worked up about something. Technically this was still the case, but Ellie felt horribly guilty.

“I’m fine Joel. I just…had a disagreement with some friends.” Joel sat on the bed and laid a gentle hand on Ellie’s arm. 

“Did someone say something to you? Just let me know I’ll sort it out.” They shook their head. 

“No no, it wasn’t their fault, it’s just…” Ellie was too tired to think of an excuse, they couldn’t keep ignoring this, they had to just say it. “Jesse called me a girl.” Joel stayed still, seemingly waiting for further context. When the silence dragged on he prompted.

“Okay? And that means…?”

“I said that I wasn’t.” Ellie blurted out. Joel paused for a moment.

“Alright. Why?” That’s the question. Thought Ellie.

“I dunno. I guess I just…It didn’t feel right. To be called a girl. It just feels wrong. I’m sorry. I know it’s stupid, I don’t know why I feel this way.” Joel interrupted the rambling, with a strong hug. 

“Sshh.” He soothed. “It’s okay El, slow down.” Ellie smiled despite themselves. They loved Joel’s nickname for them. “So what I’m getting.” Joel eventually continued. “Is that your friend said that you were a girl, and you got upset because you don’t feel like a girl.” Ellie nodded glumly, it sounded even more ridiculous when said out loud, they thought.

“Okay.” Joel continued in his calming tone. He seemed deep in thought. “El, do you know what it means to be transgender?” Ellie started at the seeming change of topic. 

“Um, no. Is that an old world thing?” They guessed. Joel nodded.

“I don’t know too much about it myself.” He confessed. “But from my understanding, transgender people were born as one gender, but in their brains they were the opposite one.” He could see Ellie’s confusion. “So for example a transgender woman would be born male, like me, but she would feel the same as a girl. And so then she could live life as a girl, and there were surgeries and stuff, so people could have a body that matched their gender.”

Ellie was listening intently. “So is that what’s going on with you, d’you think? You don’t feel like a girl, you feel like a boy instead?”

Ellie thought, very carefully. They had never heard about any of this before, and instinctively wanted to jump on the idea that there could be an explanation for the way they felt. But they were also unsure. Now that they were allowing themselves to think about it, they felt certain that they weren’t a girl, but they had never thought about being a boy. Ellie tried to imagine it, but it just didn’t fit. They didn’t feel like a boy, they didn’t feel like anything. They just wanted to be a person, nothing more. 

Ellie felt despairing once more, and shook their head. “I don’t think so Joel, I…” They gulped, but decided to be honest. “I don’t feel like a girl, it’s true, but I don’t feel like a boy either. I’m just me.” They looked at Joel, waiting for him to get upset or angry, but he just looked thoughtful. 

“I hear you El. I have to admit, I’ve never heard someone describe that, but don’t worry. We need to talk to someone who knows about this stuff, I’m sure that’ll help you. We’ll figure it out together, I promise.” Ellie hugged him, finally giving into tears.

Chapter Text

That night, Ellie fell asleep on Joel’s shoulder, as they both watched Jurassic Park. The next morning, Joel told Ellie that they didn’t have to go back to school that day, which was a huge relief for Ellie, who wasn’t sure how they were going to face their friends again. 

It wasn’t until after lunch that Joel revealed his plan. Apparently while Ellie had been asleep, he had snuck off to talk to Tommy. They were outraged until he explained that he hadn’t revealed any details of their talk, he was just asking if there was anyone in town who might know about these things. 

So that was how Ellie found themselves on the way to talk to the most openly gay couple in town. Another day they might’ve made a joke about how Joel was just talking to the only gay people he knew, but they felt too nervous. 

Once they arrived, the door was opened by two smiling, older women. One had a buzzed head, the other’s hair was long, and dyed red. Ellie and Joel were invited in with a friendly wave, and immediately offered tea. The red haired one was introduced as Alex, the short haired one was Katy. 

Once they were settled, Katy smiled warmly at Ellie. 

“So, we hear our expertise is needed.” 

“Yes.” Joel responded quickly. “The thing is…”

“Hold it.” Alex held up a hand to stop him, then turned to also address Ellie. “You used to go to a FEDRA school, is that right?” Ellie nodded. “Well in that case, I don’t imagine you know much about all this.” Ellie shook their head, sheepishly. 

“Don’t worry.” Said Katy. “We’ll start at the beginning, run you through everything we can think of, then if you have any more questions, we can answer them. Sounds good?” Both Joel and Ellie nodded. 

“Alright then. Back in our time, people like us were referred to as the LGBTQ+ community. It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trangender, plus. Lesbian, gay and bisexual are all sexualities. That’s who you’re attracted to. Lesbian is women who like women, gay is men who like men, bisexual is when you like men and women.” Ellie was feeling slightly overwhelmed, they had realised that they didn’t crush on boys, only girls, and they knew it was generally frowned upon, but they hadn’t known there was a word for it. Alex continued.

“There are other sexualites too, the plus represents all the letters that aren’t in the original acronym. For example, pansexual is when your attraction isn’t affected by gender, and asexual and aromantic is for people who don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction. The only sexuality that isn’t part of LGBTQ+ is “straight”, which means men who are attracted to women, and women who are attracted to men. Queer is a sort of umbrella term that can encompass lots of people in the LGBTQ+, it used to be an offensive word, but it got reclaimed. Now transgender is also an umbrella term, it is for anyone whose gender assigned at birth does not match their gender identity, that is the gender they feel.” Seeing that Ellie looked confused again, Katy interjected.

“For instance, I was assigned the gender female at birth, because of what my body looks like. I also feel like a woman, so I am not transgender, when you aren’t trans then you are cisgender, that’s also not part of LGBTQ+. By the way, some people’s body’s do not fit into the male or female category cleanly, that’s called intersex.”

“However, some people’s gender’s do not match their assigned sex, and that is trans. There are trans men, and trans women, and there are also nonbinary people. Nonbinary refers to any gender that isn’t man or woman.” Alex explained.

“There are other genders!” Ellie couldn’t keep from interrupting. 

Alex smiled. “Yes. Some people feel just partially men, or women, that’s a demigender. Or they feel like they’re multiple genders at once, or they change their gender. That’s called genderfluid, and that’s what I am.” Ellie stared, they had no idea the person in front of them wasn’t just a woman, it was never something they considered. Alex smiled at their shock.

“Right now, I’m a woman, but sometimes I’m a man, or nothing at all. That’s another way to be nonbinary, some people don’t feel any gender, or they feel they’re in between genders.”

Katy could see Ellie’s clear interest, so continued “Trans people will often change their pronouns, that’s the words people use to refer to them like he or she. Some nonbinary people will use they as a pronoun. They might also change their name or the way they dress.” 

Ellie nodded, they felt slightly in shock, like they couldn’t take it all in.

“So that’s your basic crash course.” Said Alex. “Do you have any questions?” Ellie didn’t say anything.

“You know what.” Katy interjected. “If you ever come up with a question, you can come see us, either of you.” She nodded to Joel, who stood up.

“Thank you very much, both of you.” He shook hands, polite as always, and nudged Ellie, who muttered “Thanks.”

They didn’t say anything on the walk home, Joel seemed to sense that Ellie needed the time to think. Ellie was certainly thinking hard. 

Once they had returned and settled on the sofa, Ellie finally faced Joel, and took a breath.

“Joel, I think I’m nonbinary. I don’t feel like I have any gender.” They stared nervously at him, but Joel smiled widely, and hugged Ellie. 

“Thank you for telling me.” He said like he didn’t already know.

“And um, I think I want to use ‘they’ as a pronoun, it might be nice.” 

“Of course I can do that baby, though it might take some practice, I’m not as sharp as I used to be.”

Ellie grinned “It’s ‘cause you're old.” They proclaimed, triumphantly. Joel sighed fondly.

“I remember what they said about transgender people, were you thinking about changing your name too?” Ellie paused before responding.

“I like my name, I don’t know what I would use instead. But I do like it when you call me ‘El’.” They admitted shyly. Joel smiled and nodded.

They sat together for a while, enjoying each other's company. Ellie felt happy, and relieved, but despite Joel’s kind words they were still worried. After fretting for a time, Ellie eventually blurted out “I’m sorry!” Joel turned, but before he could say anything Ellie continued. “I’m sorry, that I’m not your daughter,  that I can’t be your daughter.” There were tears in both of their eyes. "But, I really want to be your child.” They finally admitted. 

Joel stared, then hugged them as tightly as he could. 

“There’s nothing I would love more than to be your dad.” He said into Ellie’s forehead. They cried into his shoulder, but they were happy tears.

Chapter Text

The next few days were the weekend, Ellie mostly stayed in the house. They came out to Tommy and Maria, (with Joel next to them as support), and the weekend had been mostly spent with Joel practicing their new pronouns. It made Ellie beam whenever they heard them, so he tried to do it as often as possible. 

Ellie had also persuaded him to cut their hair. Not buzzed, but just above their chin. They had always hated having hair on the back of their neck, so they always tied it up. Ellie had never really considered the possibility that they could just cut it, but now that they had they were delighted. They kept looking in the mirror and thinking, that’s me!

But now Ellie had a new dilemma: returning to school. Joel wouldn’t let them stay off forever, but they were scared to face their friends. When they couldn’t go to sleep they admitted to Joel that they were worried their friends wouldn’t like them anymore.

Joel stroked Ellie’s hair and reassured them “You don’t have to tell your friends anything if you don’t want to, but if you do, I’m sure they will still like you, who wouldn’t want to be your friend?” He poked them, and they giggled. It was true, but Ellie knew that they had to come out. Sure, they didn’t have to tell everyone in Jackson, but now that they knew the truth themself, they couldn’t keep it a secret.

When Ellie entered the grounds of the school, Dina rushed up to them immediately. 

“Ellie! We were really worried about you. I’m sorry about Thursday, we can all just forget about that.” Ellie was immensely grateful for Dina, but as Cat and Jesse approached, they took a steadying breath.

“Hey guys.” They started. “There’s something I need to tell you. I’m nonbinary.” Seeing their confusion, Ellie rushed on. “That means that I’m not a boy or a girl. I’m just Ellie, and I would like it if you could call me ‘they’ instead of ‘she’.” They took a deep breath. There. Now they know. Cat, Jesse, and Dina all exchanged glances. Jesse spoke first. 

“Oh I see, that’s what you were talking about. That’s okay Ellie.” Cat cut in.

“We’re your friends, we trust that you know yourself, we just want you to be happy.” Dina took Ellie’s hand.

“We’re sorry we made you upset before, we’ll try to do better now.” Ellie blushed, and smiled. 

“That’s okay.” They tried to ignore the heat of Dina’s hand.

Oh yeah, I didn’t mention to Joel that I only like girls. Does that make me lesbian, or straight? Ellie wondered. Oh well, there’s plenty of time to figure that out.