Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Buck” Eddie’s voice is low, practically pleading. “It’s not safe. Please. Just think about moving back in with me.”

“My car was broken into. It’s fine.” Buck says firmly.

“They eviscerated it!”

“Eddie, it’s LA. It’s a miracle my car hasn’t been broken into before now. It’s a smashed window. And yeah. It’s not great that they poured beer all over the seats, but the Jeep is in the shop and I’ll get it detailed. I’m not breaking my lease.”

“Buck you’re under reacting to this.” Eddie’s taken aback as Buck tilts his head and smiles softly at Eddie as if amused.

“I think you might be overreacting to it. I’m not in any danger and my insurance has given me this ridiculous rental I’m car. I know you’re worried. And I really appreciate the offer to move in, I really do. You’ve got my back. But I can’t move out and live on your sofa because my charging cables and kindle were stolen.”

Eddie takes a deep breath to try and steady himself. They’ve had this argument three times now in the two days since Buck called Eddie and asked him for a lift to work. Eddie hadn’t wanted Buck to move out. It was nice to be in the house with him and Chris. It was easier to sleep knowing Buck was nearby. It’s not as if Buck doesn’t like being there. He’s still on Eddie’s couch after shifts. He still wakes up to Buck in his kitchen at the weekend. But Eddie misses the little moments. Buck coming into his room to grab a shirt from the cupboard Eddie half emptied to make space for Buck’s clothes. Watching Buck teach Chris how to cook. The way the house felt alive when all three of them were there.

“Eddie” Buck says gently whilst nudging his shoulder. “We’re at work, you need to get out of the car.”

“Buck. At least stay at mine tonight. Please.” Eddie turns to look Buck in the eye. “So I can get through this shift.”

Buck laughs. It’s throaty and fond.

“Sure. That I can do.”

Eddie notices that Buck’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

Once in the station, Buck had gone up to the kitchen to make breakfast. Eddie felt a tightness in his chest watching him go.

“You ok there Eddie?” Hen asks, catching him unaware.

“Yeah.”

Hen raises her brow above her glasses.

“Not sure you are there bud. You’ve been pissed at Buck ever since his car got broken into.”

“He’s not taking it seriously enough. He’s acting like it’s nothing. I’m worried about him and he just doesn’t get it.”

Hen frowns.

“Hen. They tore up his car. Do you know how many car thefts, robberies and break ins there are in his new neighbourhood?”

“No, but it sounds like you do.” Hen responds.

“Of course I do. When Buck wouldn’t listen to me when it first happened I thought that he’d listen to the facts.” Eddie retorts. “If he’d done proper research on the area before he moved he would have known! But he rushed it. I told him he didn’t need to move out and he did it anyway.”

Hen tilts her head. Eddie already knows he’s not going to like what she says next.

“I’m going to ask this once. And I won’t bring it up again. Are you annoyed that he’s not listening to you, or is it that he moved out?”

“He made out like he was being a burden. That me and Chris would need the house to ourselves to properly reconnect. That he’d be in the way? So he rushed it. It’s like he just didn’t care about doing it properly. It’s like he ran away. And now he’s not safe.” Eddie admits.

Hen smiles softly.

“He can’t live on your couch forever Eddie. I think you need to figure out why his car being broken into is making you spiral like this.”

Eddie opens his mouth to reply but the words don’t come.

Hen smirks and gently takes his elbow. “Let’s get some breakfast. Maybe a coffee will help you think.”

Eddie lets himself be guided up to the loft.

The 24 hour shift is mercifully uncomplicated. Eddie spent the majority of it watching Buck and reflecting on what Hen had said. Eddie missed Buck deeply when he was in Texas. His absence was palpable. He drove a car Buck had never sat in, lived in a house that wasn’t a home because Buck had never stepped foot inside of it. Instead Buck was a phantom only present in phone calls and voice notes. If Eddie was a selfish man he would have asked Buck to join him in El Paso. But if Buck had visited Eddie would have tried to keep him there. Buck had to stay in LA, had to keep being a firefighter. Eddie could cope with himself wasting away in Texas, he’d never let Buck suffer the same way. Now Eddie was back he thought that Buck would cling to him. All Eddie wanted was to be near Buck. But Buck was imposing this distance. This new apartment. This reluctance to listen. Eddie wanted Buck to be safe and by his side. He needed Buck to be physically present in his life again. Everyone else’s lack of worry about Buck made him wonder whether he is being unreasonable about Buck’s car being broken into. Eddie comes to a couple of conclusions. Buck is capable, he’s a great firefighter, and he’s strong. If Eddie can’t make him move, maybe he can teach Buck how to defend himself. Secondly he needs a better strategy to convince Buck. Something that Buck can’t argue against. During a break Eddie books a session with Frank. He’s always got good ways of making Eddie see things differently. He’ll be able to help Eddie figure out how to best help Buck.

At the end of the shift Eddie and Buck get into Buck’s rental. It’s a dark Mustang. Somewhere between black and gray. Buck’s error was letting Chris help him decide on what car to get. They both got way too excited and Chris had made Buck promise to drive him around during the weekend so his friends could see. It’s comfortable and Buck and Eddie drive back to his in relative quiet. Eddie can tell Buck is thinking hard. His eyes are crinkled and eyebrows are furrowed slightly. There’s a sadness in it too. Eddie waits until they’re sat on the sofa with some food until he tries to get Buck to open up.

“You ok there Buck?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re thinking loudly. Since we got in the car. Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck looks hesitant and lets out a sigh.

“You know I picked that apartment because it was close. It was the closest I could afford with my credit score. I needed to be nearby you know? I just got you and Chris back. I know you don’t like the place, but it’s the best I could do. I couldn’t stay here. I can’t live on your couch. It’s not fair to either of us. And now you’re annoyed with me because of a crime I didn’t commit.”

“What do you mean it’s not fair to either of us?”

“I can’t impose on you like that. I know I’m not a guest here, but it’s your family home. You and Chris need this space. This living room. If I’m living on your couch I’m not letting you guys live properly.” Buck says quietly. There is a shakiness to his voice that makes Eddie feel nauseous.

“That’s not true” Eddie replies.

“Chris cant have a bunch of friends to sleepover if I’m on the couch. What if you want some alone time? What if-“

“They aren’t insurmountable problems.” Eddie interrupts.

“Eddie, I love being here. I love being included in your lives. But I can’t live in suitcases. I can’t be in my mid thirties and not sleeping in a bed. If I was younger sure.  But now? After what my body’s been through? It has to be an occasional thing rather than a daily thing.” Buck’s voice is rough. In a small voice Buck adds “I need something that is mine”.

Eddie puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder. Maybe Buck has a point about needing a bed. But more than anything Eddie can’t bear this quiet melancholy that’s radiating from Buck.

“Ok. Why don’t we have a couple hours sleep. If it’s ok could you give me a lift to Frank’s office later and then come with me to pick Chris up from school?”

Buck’s blue eyes meet Eddie’s hazel.

“You’re back at therapy?”

“I blew up my life and took you and Chris down with me. I need to be at therapy.”

Buck takes a sharp breath.

“Eddie” he says with a gentle urgency “you didn’t. Don’t say that. I’m a better person for having you in my life. You’re an amazing father to Chris. You’re not a bad person. You’re not dragging anyone down. You had a bad few months. You’re-“

Eddie can’t take it. He doesn’t deserve this softness. Buck is sat here comforting him and Eddie feels alone. Buck never used to lie to him and he’s never wanted space from him before Kim and Texas. He is the reason why Buck is carrying this sadness. He can feel hot pin pricks in his eyes at tears start to well. Eddie looks up and wills the tears away. He can’t look at Buck, instead he looks at the floor.

“Buck. He ran away from me. You’re running away from me. I pushed you both to your limits. And now you’re not safe and you don’t understand. And Chris still doesn’t trust me fully, and, and…”

He can’t catch his breath. A strangled noise leaves his mouth and he feels Buck wrap his arms around him.

“Eddie breathe. It’s a panic attack. Please, breathe. You’re safe. You’re with me. It’s okay.” Buck says frantically.

Eddie tries to breathe with Buck. He leans into Buck’s arms. He’s surrounded by the verbena of Buck’s cologne. As his breathing levels he feels tired. Eddie closes his eyes and as he does he feels the ghost of Bucks lips on the top of his head and can’t figure out what it means.

Eddie wakes on the sofa disoriented and confused. The house is quiet. He can’t feel Buck’s presence. He thought Buck would be around when he wakes up. Buck would never leave him to go through the aftermath of a panic attack.

“Buck?” Eddie calls out.

There is a beat of silence. Eddie’s stomach drops. He feels the tendrils of anxiety claw around his chest. Just as Eddie feels like he’s going to have another panic attack he hears the kitchen door.

“Sorry. I was in the garden.”

Eddie lifts himself off the sofa and sees Buck is stood by the door, his eyes red and his face pale.

“Buck?” Eddie moves towards him.

“Don’t. Please. It’s nothing. I’m not trying to make things about me. It’s been a long day and it’s hard to see you hurting Eddie.” Buck replies wearily.

A tension sits between the two men. Eddie is at a loss. They rarely have this type of impasse. Eddie scrubs his had across his face. He feels exhausted.

An alarm cuts through the air.

“Therapy?” Buck asks.

“Yeah. You still ok to drive?”

“Of course. I just had a telephone session. I could use an hour with a coffee and a book.” Buck offers as he grabs his keys and heads to the door.

They leave the house in silence and slide into the car.

“You had a telephone therapy session in my garden?” Eddie asks.

“It’s grounding to be outside”.

“That’s very literal.”

“I called to make an appointment and Dr Copeland had a cancellation. I didn’t want to leave you so I had a call instead. And I didn’t want to wake you so I went into the garden. It’s 89 degrees and your neighbors are at work. The garden was nice.”

“Grounding”.

They both laugh. It’s not hearty, but it broke the awkwardness that had settled between the two of them.

“Seriously Buck, are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?” Eddie asks.

“I’m ok. Between grief, the car stuff, and everything else it’s been pretty loud in my head. And if you can be a grown up and talk to Frank, I can follow your example and talk stuff out too.”

Eddie looks at Buck. He knows Buck has given him a perfectly reasonable answer. But he knows Buck down in his bones. This isn’t all that’s going on.

“That’s not why you’re sad though.”

Eddie notices Buck tighten his grip on the steering wheel.

“Please. Eddie. Don’t.”

“I’m only asking because I want to help.”

“I know. I know. And I love that you do. If it helps it’s something that I just need to live with. It just needs time.” Buck says.

“If it just needs time why won’t you talk to me about it?” Eddie asks. His throat feels tight. He hates this feeling. Hates that Buck’s pulling away.

“I asked you not to ask. I need you to respect this. I don’t ask you about the details of your sessions. I don’t want to argue with you. Especially when I’m driving.”

Eddie wants to tell Buck to pull over. He wants to have this fight. Maybe then in the heat of the moment Buck will slip up and tell him whatever it is that’s making him sad. But Eddie can’t do that. He won’t do that. He shoves the feeling away. So he says nothing.

Buck turns the radio on. Neither of them are listening.

Buck pulls into the parking lot and turns the car off. Eddie needs to say something. This silence between them is consuming him.

“I’m scared I’m losing you Buck. It feels like you’re pulling away.” Eddie’s heart is pounding.

“I’m not. I’m really not. I just. I can’t.” Panic swims across Buck’s face.

“I wish you’d let me in.” Eddie says simply.

Buck looks stricken. Buck fumbles for words. He looks at the clock and looks back at Eddie.

“You’re going to be late Eddie.”

“Don’t shut me out Buck. Please.” Eddie pleads.

“I’ll be here when you’re done. I’m not shutting you out. Trust me. I’m not. I’ll tell you in my own time. I promise.”

Eddie gets out of the car. He doesn’t look back because he doesn’t want to see if he made Buck cry.

Eddie steps into Frank’s office feeling completely on edge.

“Eddie, take a seat. What brings you in today?”

“Buck moved out, his car got broken into and now everything is weird between the two of us. I can’t figure out why Buck is running away from me.” Eddie says rapidly.

Frank regards Eddie with a questioning stare.

“I see. Can you explain chronologically what happened? He moved out three weeks ago if my notes are correct?”

“Yes. I’ve been back for what two and a half months now. Buck started looking for an apartment the moment I moved back I told him he could stay, I know I said this before. But two, maybe three days ago, I can’t tell with my shifts messing up the days in my head, Buck’s car was broken into. They smashed the window, poured beer over the seats, stole everything from inside it. It happened outside his apartment on his day off. It happened during the day, it’s clearly not a safe neighborhood. And I asked him to come back home.”

“Home?” Frank asks with his eyebrow raised.

“Yeah.” Eddie said defensively.

“For clarity, I want to check. You think of your house as Buck’s home?”

“Yes.” Eddie says emphatically.

Eddie rarely sees Frank struggle to form a question. It doesn’t sit well with Eddie. It makes him feel like he’s failed a test he didn’t know he was taking.

“I’m going to assume Buck has not agreed with your assessment.”

“No. He thinks I’m overreacting. I mean he also says he needs to sleep on a bed and not my couch. But he’s acting like it’s a burden for me for him to be there. I keep telling him I want him there. He’s talking about needing something that is his.”

Frank scribbles something down. Eddie is starting to think Frank might not be the ally he was hoping to have in this situation with Buck.

“I mean Buck is still coming to the house. He was there today. Before coming here.” Eddie says just to fill the silence what Frank writes.

“And did something happen with the two of you that made you boom today’s session? Why you’re much more anxious than normal?”

“Oh I booked the session on shift because I thought you’d be able to help me figure out a way to get Buck to see that his new neighborhood is not safe and he should come back to my house.” Eddie says skirting the anxiety question.

“So what caused the anxiety Eddie?”

“I told Buck I had a session with you today and he was surprised I was in therapy again. So I told him it was because I had to be. That I blew up my life and was dragging him and Chris down with me. He told me I wasn’t a bad person. That I was having a bad time. And that I wasn’t ruining him or Chris. So I asked him why he was pulling away from me.”

Frank’s brow creases.

“How did that make feel?”

“Selfish. Bad. I had a panic attack.” Eddie says meekly.

“Because you felt selfish?”

“Because I’m a mess. Because I can’t get Buck to understand he’s not safe. Because I couldn’t protect Chris. Because I feel alone and scared and the people I want near me are keeping me at arm’s length.” Eddie’s voice shakes. His breathing is unsteady.

“That sounds overwhelming.” Frank says gently.

“It was. It is.” Eddie mumbles.

“What happened with the panic attack?”

“Buck held me. He tried to get me to breathe with him. To be honest. I think I was over pretty quickly. I fell asleep pretty quickly. Buck kissed the top of my head. I remember that. And then I woke up. Buck wasn’t there. Well. He was in the garden when I woke up. He was having his own therapy session.”

“Is that why you think he’s pulling away? Because he wasn’t there when you woke up? Apart from moving out, it still seems like he’s very present in your life. He came to your home after your shift, he helped you through a panic attack and stayed in your house to have his own therapy session. So why do you think he’s pulling away?”

Eddie stared at Frank for a moment, his mind moving too fast to find the proper words.

“Buck looks sad. Since I’ve been back he looks sad. He tells me it’s grief. He tells me that it’s just his head being loud and his own anxiety. But I know him. It’s not that. When I ask him to come back he looks stricken. And today. Today he had clearly cried during his therapy session. We argued in the car about it. Not badly. But he won’t tell me what else is going on. He just says he needs time. But whatever it is it’s eating him up. And whatever it is I keep doing something to make it worse. He was so upset when I had to go to Texas. I thought he’d be happy that I was back. I thought he’d be clinging to me. And after Bobby I think I needed him to cling to me. But he hasn’t. And it makes my chest ache. He keeps asking me to not ask him what’s making him sad. Just before the session we were sat in his rental and I asked him not to shut me out and he just told me I was going to be late and he’d tell me in his own time. I think I made him cry.” Eddie can feel the tears slip down his face.

“Eddie. I’m proud of you. I know you find it hard to open up. I’m going to repeat back to you what you said. I might frame it a little bit differently to how you see it but I want you to consider what I’m about to say. Will that be ok?”

“Yes”

“Buck is sad. He’s mentioned his own grief and mental health but you think there is something else on top of this?”

“Yes”

“Buck arranged a therapy session on a day you asked him to move back in with you, and also when you said you feel like you are mess who is bringing him down with you. A day where he held you through a panic attack?”

“Yes”

“Buck has created some boundaries with you that you are struggling with?”

“No!” Eddie’s face is hot. His throat is tight again.

“Eddie, you’ve asked Buck multiple times to move back in after he’s moved out for reasons he has told you several times. You also said that Buck has asked you more than once to not ask him why he’s sad.  I would like to say I don’t think you are being malicious. Nor do I think you are doing it on purpose. You clearly care for Buck and are trying to look out for him.”

“Shit! Shit. I’m making him pull away. It’s me! Shit.” Bile rises in Eddie’s throat.

“Eddie. Eddie. It’s ok. I’m nearly done. Are you ok to carry on?”

“Yes”

“Do you think there is a reason why this is getting to you? Why you need Buck close?”

Eddie pauses. He’s not sure what Frank is asking.

“Because he’s my best friend. He’s always helped me when I mess up. He didn’t share his grief with me until we argued. He makes me feel better. He’s the only person apart from Chris who has never needed or wanted me to be anything apart from myself. And it feels like I’ve hurt him so badly by going to Texas and being another person who left him that he’s decided to pull away so I can’t hurt him again.” It wrecks Eddie to say it out loud. To acknowledge that he’s the reason Buck feels the need to protect himself from harm. From Eddie.

“Eddie. We’re nearly at time so I want to set you some homework. Yes. I want you back here next week. And I want you to spend some time thinking about why you think your house is Buck’s home. But I want you to also think about what type of pain you think Buck is trying to protect himself from. I’d also like you to try and reframe how you think about yourself. You’ve been very negative this week when you’ve spoken about yourself.” Frank’s voice is firm. Much more so than his normal tone. “Eddie, I’m proud of you for today. You reached out. You reflected and shared. You are putting the work in. This is all very positive.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say so just gives Frank a nod.

Buck is in the car when Eddie leaves the office. He gives Eddie a weak smile as he gets in the car.

“I got you a coffee.” Buck says and hands him a cup.

Eddie takes a sip. It’s sweet but not too sweet. Its warmth spreads through him.

“Thanks Buck. I really do appreciate it. And before you say anything I want to apologise. I think you’ve been trying to set some boundaries and I’ve not been great at respecting those. But I will.”

“What makes you say that?” Buck’s voice is high and pitchy. Not what Eddie was expecting from Buck.

“I kept pushing earlier. And I keep pushing about you coming home.”

Buck looks out the window.

“Eddie, it’s fine. Please. Don’t worry about it.” There is color on Buck’s cheeks. Eddie feels lost.

“Okay.” He says lamely. “Let’s go get Christopher.”

Chris’ school is not that far from Frank’s office. Eddie busies himself with drinking the coffee. It really is good and its sweetness is exactly what he needed after therapy.

“Really Buck, what is in this coffee? I need to get this after every session.”

“It’s a long black with sweet cream. The cafe has a really good dark roast. I figured you’d need something not too bitter, not too sweet, but with something in to take the edge off therapy.”

“Is that what you get?”

“I go for a fruiter blend, but I know you don’t like a fruity coffee.”

Eddie laughs. “How do you know that? I don’t even know that.”

“You always pull a face if I get coffee from the shop a few blocks from the station. I see you sneaking a sip and immediately regretting it.”

“I didn’t know you knew that I steal your coffee.”

“Why do you think I get the biggest sized coffee I can order?”

“Because you’re a giant.”

Buck laughs.

“I’m maybe two inches taller than you at best. No. It’s because I know you drink my coffee when you won’t let yourself get your own. So I get one for both of us. What’s mine is yours.”

Eddie’s mouth goes dry.

“You really do that?”

“Yeah”

“I don’t pull a face anymore. You get nicer coffee now.”

“I pick something I think we’ll both like.”

“But why? Why not just get what you want and I would have stopped stealing yours.”

Buck pulls into the school.

“Because I don’t mind. I never mind.”

Eddie stares at Buck who squirms under his gaze.

“Buck”

The back door opens and Chris gets into the car. He looks at Buck and Eddie.

“Did I interrupt something? You guys are being weird.”

“Nice to see you too Chris! I got you a drink” Buck pulls out a bottle of juice from the side of the car door, leans back and presses it into Chris’ hands.

“Thanks Buck” Chris says brightly.

“No worries”

“Buck are you coming for dinner tonight.”

Buck and Eddie answer at the same time.

“No” from Buck

“Yes” from Eddie.

“I knew you guys were being weird” Chris says glumly.

“What do you mean you’re not coming for dinner?” Eddie asks Buck.

“It’s been a long day Eddie. I need to go home and sleep”

“You can do that at home.”

“Eddie. Not now.”

The rest of the car ride is filled with Chris chatting about his day. His voice is tight and he’s clearly trying to ease the tension in the car. When Buck pulls up to the house Chris all but fleas the car, shouting about the two of them talking without him there.

“What the hell Buck?! You said you were staying tonight.” Eddie is whisper shouting. Trying to keep his voice down. He doesn’t want to shout at Buck. He just doesn’t understand.

“I changed my mind Eddie. We’ve both had a long day and I think space would do us some good.” Buck says flatly.

“I don’t want space Buck. I want you around.”

“Don’t you think I want that too Eddie?!” Buck recoils from what he just said. Like he said too much.

“Then why won’t you stay?” Confusion pouring out from Eddie’s tone.

“Because I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Eddie.”

“Why not? I don’t understand”

“Because I don’t want to leave. Because I would ruin my back and live out of suitcases. And when it ends, when I have to leave. I won’t survive it. So I have to leave now. I have to.” Buck spits out. His voice full of shame and venom.

“Buck I don’t understand” Eddie pleads.

“I don’t expect you to. And Eddie that’s fine.  Please. Go inside. Chris is waiting for you to let him in. It’s ok Eddie. We’ll be alright. I just need time. Don’t fight me on this. I’m begging you. I’ll come for dinner tomorrow. I’ll cook.” 

Buck’s eyes are shining. Eddie doesn’t know if either of them are breathing.

“Sure. Yeah. Cool. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” Eddie says automatically  

Eddie is running on autopilot. He slips out of the car and watches Buck speed off. He stands in the street with disappointment and disbelief coursing through his veins. 

Chapter Text

Chris greets Eddie at the door with a concerned look.

“Are you and Buck fighting?” Chris asks full of concern.

“I think so. But I don’t know why.” Eddie says deflated.

“I called Hen. She’s going to pick me up and I’m going to stay at hers tonight.” Chris says.

Eddie feels the world shift beneath his feet. Buck has run away and now Chris is leaving again too.

“Dad. You need to go fix whatever is happening with Buck. And you can’t do that if you have to stay with me.”

“Chris, he asked for space.”

“Dad. What did he say?” Chris gives him a pointed look.

“That he doesn’t expect me to understand but he won’t survive having to leave here again.” Eddie thinks that’s what Buck was saying.

“He figured it out.” Chris says plainly. Eddie feels like he’s missed a beat of the conversation.

“What?”

“You know you and Buck aren’t normal best friends right? You’re super intense about each other.”

“We’ve got stressful jobs.” Eddie answers lamely.

“Hen and Chim aren’t like that and they’re best friends.” Chris retorts. “I don’t want to have to be the one to spell it out for you.”

Chris looks quietly devastated.

“Dad. I don’t think Texas was good for any of us.”

“Mijo.” Eddie breathes as he wraps Chris up in a hug. “It’s ok. You did what you needed to do. It’s ok to look after yourself.”

“But I stayed longer than I should have. I wanted to come back sooner. I felt guilty for leaving you and Buck. But I also didn’t want to upset Abuela and Abuelo. And I felt close to you in Texas. Or at least I felt like I learnt more about why you are the way you are.”

“What do you mean?”

“It felt like I had to be something to please everyone around me. Like there was an expectation to be a certain way. And I could see that because I don’t feel that here. But I think it would be easy to feel all that pressure if you didn’t know anything else.” Chris looked away as if he’d said something he shouldn’t have. Eddie nudges his shoulder into Chris. A gentle reminder that things are ok.

“And you think I grew up with all of these expectations on me?”

“Yeah. I think you’re still holding onto them. You know I love you?” Chris fixes Eddie with a serious look. He sees himself in Chris’ face. Eddie nods at Chris. He thinks if he opens his mouth to talk it will come out a tangled noise. Chris takes a breath and continues. “I think you’re trying to please everyone around you. Including me. I don’t need you to find a wife, I don’t want you to replace Mom. I like the family I have. I love it. You, me, Buck. We’re a family. It might not be the one you were expected to have. But it’s what we have. And it’s what makes me happy. But I don’t think you know it makes you happy. That you’re allowed to be happy with this. That it’s an option. You’ve let me grow up and know it is.”

Eddie’s dumbfounded. How is his child this emotionally intelligent? It’s clearly not from him.

“I love our family too. That’s why I’ve been trying to get Buck to come home.”

Chris cocks his head at Eddie. He can’t help but feel that Chris is treating him like he’s a horse that’s going to bolt.

“I think Buck is running. He’s doing it because he’s scared and he’s sad and he doesn’t know what else he can do. It’s not up to you to fix any of this. It’s really not. But I think you can.”

“But I don’t know why he’s sad or scared”

“Because he doesn’t want to lose us”.

Chris’ words hit Eddie like a punch. Eddie feels himself take a step back as if he really had been struck. He sits on the step outside the front door.

“You know it’s ok Dad? You’re allowed to want the life that makes you happy?” Chris looks at him with worried eyes. He sits next to Eddie on the step. It’s a comfortable silence between the two of them. Inside of Eddie’s head is a different matter. It’s a confused mess of noise he can’t decipher. He’s so wrapped up in his thoughts he doesn’t hear Hen arrive.

“You boys locked out?” She laughs.

“No. I think dad is speed running an identity crisis.” Chris says.

“Ah.” Hen says. Seemingly at a loss for words. She looks at Chris and quietly asks “I thought you would have called Buck?”

“Him and Dad are being weird. Weirder I mean.”

“Do you want to get in the car and I’ll chat to your Dad?”

“Not really, I want to know what he says.” Chris laughs but gets up and walks to Hen’s car.

“You want to talk about it Eddie?” Hen asks softly.

“Chris says he thinks that I’ve lived my life crushed under the weight of the expectations of others. And now I’m in my mid thirties sat wondering if I even know what I want.” Eddie whispers.

“I think it’s hard to know what it is you want when you’ve never had the chance to explore it. You went from being a child who had to be the man of the house, to a teen parent, to the army, then a single dad and widower. When have you ever had the option to choose anything for yourself?” Hen says gently.

“I don’t even know where to begin. But I’ve upset Buck and I need to make it right. He’s family and I don’t think he knows.”

“Family?” Hen raises an eyebrow.

“Home. He’s my home.” Eddie says. Coming to a realisation as he speaks. “Chimney isn’t home to you is he?”

Hen laughs. “No. But Karen is.”

“I thought so.”

Hen laughs again.

“I don’t know what it means Hen”.  Eddie looks at Hen pleading. Like she’d be able to give him the answer.

“Give yourself some time. You don’t need to figure it out now. But maybe you could start by telling Buck? I think it’d help the both of you.”

She reaches out a hand and pulls him up.

“I’ve got Chris. Go find Buck. And when you’ve had a talk give Chris a call. I’ll make sure he picks up.”

Eddie drives to Buck’s apartment. He rings the buzzer but there’s no answer. He doesn’t have a key to this place, so he waits for someone to leave and tailgates in. He climbs the stairs and finds himself pounding on the door.

“Buck, please. We need to talk. I’m sorry.”

There is no response. Eddie puts his ear to the door.

“Buck?” He shouts. “Are you there?”

No movement.

For a fleeting moment Eddie debates kicking down the door. Common sense prevails. Eddie pulls out his phone and calls Maddie. If Buck isn’t home he’s probably with her. Maddie picks up after a minute.

“Sorry Eddie. I was just finishing feeding Bobby. You ok?”

“Hi, I’m sorry to disturb you. I hope I didn’t wake him up. Is Buck with you?” Eddie asks.

There’s a pause. Eddie feels that maybe it’s a sister thing. He can’t see Maddie but he can feel her eyes narrowing at him.

“Did you have an argument?” She asks.

“Not quite, he asked for some space though.” Eddie really doesn’t want to explain.

“He’s not here. And it’s not me saying that because he’s asked.”

The conversation stills again. Eddie and Maddie don’t really talk. If Maddie’s around Buck is there too. And if Buck is there that’s who Eddie is talking to. It’s like gravity.

“Eddie?” Maddie asks gently “are you ok?”

“I don’t know. Is that an option? Although I think I now know what Buck means when he says his head is loud. I’ve got all these thoughts and I can’t follow a single one of them.” Eddie lets out a wry laugh. “I feel on the back foot. Like everyone else knows something and I have missed something obvious.”

Maddie lets out a laugh. It’s not an unkind one. It’s a genuine response to whatever he just said.

“Eddie. I know we don’t talk much. But why don’t you come over. I’ll send Chim to go find Buck. I think you could use some company.”

There is a noise. Maddie laughs again.

“I think Buck has just arrived here. You’re still welcome to come over.”

“No. No. Buck asked for space.”

Eddie knows Buck. He knows him in the marrow of his bones. Buck runs to Maddie when he needs comfort. Eddie can’t turn up and take that from him.

“He said that he needs space from me. I want to respect that. I do. I don’t understand and I know I should respect his boundaries. But I need him to understand that he is my home and everything is telling me he needs to hear that today.”

“I think you’re his home too.” Maddie mutters.

Eddie hangs up, hoping that Buck doesn’t realise he was on the phone to Maddie.

It’s not that Eddie doesn’t have people to call. He knows Chim and Hen would be there for him. Pepa and his abuela too. What he needs is his best friend. Neither of them are in reach at the moment. So he does the next best thing. He drives to Shannon’s grave. It’s weird to be there. He’s not visited in a long time. He stands facing her headstone. Eddie doesn’t know what to do with his hands. His mouth is dry and all he can think is that he feels weird to come to Shannon about Buck.

“Hey. It’s been a while. I’m sorry. Things have been. Well they’ve certainly been something. I haven’t got flowers and I don’t know if I should stay standing or if I should sit down. I need a best friend right now. I hope you don’t mind.”

Eddie looks around. He feels awkward. He doesn’t believe in signs so he’s not sure why he’s waiting for one.

“I don’t know how much you know about my friend Buck. I think you met, since you’ve been gone we’ve been really close. He’s a big part of the family I have here in LA. You’d have gotten on with him. He’s funny, he cares deeply, he’s a great cook. He helps with Chris. Chris loves him. It’s like we share custody of him as a best friend. He’s family to us. When I had to go to Texas he moved into the house so I wouldn’t lose it. When we got back I thought he’d stay and he didn’t. Before you give me that look you used to give me, I did use my words. I told him to stay. I asked him to. He rushed out and lives in a neighbourhood nearby. He picked it because it’s close to us. It’s not safe. His car got broken into and I want him back so I can sleep. I worry about him all the time. Someone has to. He doesn’t do it for himself.”

Eddie pauses. Realisation settles on him.

“I think him moving out and not coming back when I asked is one of the first times he’s really said no to me. I know we’ve argued and he’s been bad at grieving Bobby with me. I’m so used to him wanting to please, wanting to be at the house that it feels jarring that he’s pulling away now. He said he wouldn’t survive having to leave. So why is he leaving? I don’t want him to do things he doesn’t want to do. I really don’t. It’s not that I want my way all of the time. I know him. I know how he thinks which is why I don’t understand this.”

Eddie takes a shuddering breath in. The graveyard is quiet. The hum of traffic is a distant noise, a breeze is fluttering around the grass between graves. All Eddie can hear is the thrum of his own heartbeat as it races in his ears. He tries to think of why Buck would leave. Why he’s scared of getting hurt.

“He looked at me with pain in his eyes earlier today. It reminded me of when I told you that I was going back to Afghanistan. I don’t want to do that to him. I like it when he smiles at me. When it’s fond and soft.”

Eddie lets out a laugh.

“I like it when he looks at me and I feel like I’m worth something. I like it when he looks at me full stop. I don’t like it when he looks at other people with fond eyes.”

He remembers Chris telling him earlier that Buck figured it out. He couldn’t parse what that meant at the time.

“People keep saying that Buck and I aren’t normal best friends. My only metric has been you. And, and we got married. All of my life I’ve tried to do the right thing. Be the son my parents wanted, the provider, the good boyfriend, the solid coworker. I’ve tried to please everyone. All of the time it’s been about reflecting what others want. I squash down what I want. Always. So much so that I can’t tell you what I want. Apart from I don’t want Buck live anywhere but with me. I want him near me. I want him to look at me and need me near like I need him near. I want him in my kitchen. I want to watch him sit with Chris and talk about homework. I want to make him smile.”

Eddie scrubs a hand over his face. His entire body feels like a live wire.

“I want Buck in my arms. I want him to hold me close.” Eddie lets out a laugh. “I don’t want to pretend that I’m not constantly thinking about him. Buck is my home. I don’t think it’s been friendship for a while. How didn’t I know? I mean I still don’t quite know how I feel about all of this. I mean I’m still trying to figure it out. I need to talk to him.”

Eddie slips his phone out of his pocket. He goes to text Buck. Nothing sounds right. He gives up and puts his phone back.

“I love you Shannon. I think I always will. You were my first best friend. You gave me Christopher. I didn’t understand why you wanted the divorce. I do now. It wasn’t enough. Neither of us could give each other what we needed. What we wanted. I think I could have that with Buck.”

Eddie turns to leave. He looks back over to Shannon’s grave.

“Thanks for the talk. I needed that.”

Eddie’s not sure if he remembers the drive back to his home. He stands at his door with his keys in his hand unsure how he got there. As he lets himself in he notices that the light in the kitchen is on. He must have forgotten to turn it off before his shift. He walks though the house and as he reaches the kitchen he jumps out of his skin when he sees the silhouette of a man in there.

“Fuck!” Buck shouts as Eddie’s reaction scares Buck in equal measure.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asks. Buck looks at the floor and then up at Eddie. He can see color rise in his cheeks. Buck wrings his hands.

“It wasn’t fair to you. You looked so confused as I left earlier. I was talking to Maddie and she reminded me that I can’t expect you to act in the way I need if you don’t know why I’m asking. You don’t have the full story. And we’ve been trying to model good communication to Chris, but we’re not doing it ourselves. We talk but we don’t talk if you know what I mean.”

Eddie smiles at Buck. He walks to the fridge and grabs them a beer each.

“I don’t want to rush you into something you’re not ready to talk about.” He says as he hands Buck a cold bottle.

“I think I need to. Just to get it out there. So I can stop worrying.” Buck throws Eddie a concerned look. He can see the outline of fear in Buck’s eyes.

“Whatever it is, I’ll be here for you” Eddie tries to aim for a reassuring tone.

“I tried. Eddie. I need you to know that I tried not to, but when you moved to Texas I couldn’t keep lying to myself.” Buck takes in a shaking breath. Eddie’s heart starts to beat furiously in his chest. An emotion he can’t place crashes through his veins. He looks at Buck who is resolutely trying to avoid eye contact by looking at his beer bottle.

“I don’t know when it started. I keep thinking about it and I can’t place a time or date. Either way it doesn’t matter. It’s a cliche. One you don’t deserve. It’s all on me. Eddie, I couldn’t stay living here with you because I want it to be something it’s not. It’s not fair on either of us. I want more. I want more than you can give me. I don’t want to burden you with that. I can’t hide it anymore. I had to move out so I didn’t destroy our friendship.”

Buck looks up at Eddie. Guilt and longing etched on his face. It breaks Eddie’s heart to see Buck look at him like that.

“You want more than I can give you?” Eddie asks gently.

Buck lets out a wounded sound.

“Please don’t make me say it. This is hard enough.” Buck murmurs.

“All my life I’ve shouldered the expectations of everyone around me. My family. The church. The army. Even here. I have tried to be what others want from me. But you have never asked me to be anything that I’m not. You and Chris are the only people who don’t want me to be anything but myself. The only people I don’t feel like I’m pretending around. The weight of expectations has been crushing me. It’s stopped me from knowing what it is I want. What I need. For the past week I’ve been losing my mind about you. Overreacting about your car, your apartment, your neighborhood. The only time I have felt settled in months is when you, me, and Chris lived under the same roof. Without realising it I’ve been fighting for what I want.”

Buck moves through the kitchen closing down the space between them. There is still fear in his face, but Eddie can see hope in there too.

“What is it that you want?” Buck’s voice a reverent whisper.

“You.” Eddie says simply.

Buck stills.

Eddie’s mouth quirks up into a smile. There is a peace that settles into him. The hard part is done. He’s figured out what it is that he wants. All that is left is to take it. He places a soft hand under Buck’s jaw, using it to keep Buck in place, and kisses him. Buck reacts instantly. He kisses back with his whole body. He reaches one hand around to curl it into the hair on the nape of Eddie’s neck, the other he places in the small of Eddie’s back. Buck pulls Eddie in towards his body whilst walking Eddie back into the fridge. Magnets scatter onto the floor as Eddie moves his tongue into Buck’s mouth. Buck’s hands move once more, this time to Eddie’s face. Buck’s body presses in closer, pinning Eddie against the fridge. The kiss is nothing like Eddie has ever experienced before. As demanding as it is Eddie feels calm. The pressure of Buck’s body against his is soothing. Eddie’s mind no longer racing and consumed with worry. He feels Buck let out a throaty moan as Eddie slips his hand up the back of Buck’s tee shirt. The kiss breaks as they both gasp for air. Buck takes a small step back. Eddie grabs his shirt and pulls him back in.

“I think we want the same thing.”

“I’m starting to see that.”

Buck presses another kiss onto Eddie’s mouth.

“To make it clear, seeing as we are modelling good communication for Chris, I want this life we built. I want you Eddie, I want to wake up early and make you and Chris breakfast, I want to hold your hand in public, I want stolen kisses. I even want the hard parts. The doubt, the arguments, the times when we annoy each other. I want you and Chris in my life. To be a family.”

“Well, as we are modelling good communication for Chris, who is currently at Hen’s, I want that too. All of it. You are my home Buck. The good parts and the bad too.” 

Buck flashes Eddie a dazzling smile. It lights up the kitchen.

“You’re my home too. Eddie, I love you.”

”I love you too.”

Eddie takes Buck’s hand and intertwines their fingers. He raises their hands up and presses a kiss to Buck’s knuckles. 

“There’s one more thing that I want.” Eddie says as he leads Buck out of the kitchen and towards his bedroom. “I want you to show me how much you love me and then I want you to hold me.”

“Wow. You’re being very demanding now you’ve found your voice.” Buck teases. 

“You have no idea.”

”I can’t wait to find out.”

Eddie wakes up after the best sleep he’s had in months. Strong arms are wrapped around him, long legs tangled up in his, and his nose buried into the crook of Buck’s neck. This is the feeling he’s been craving for so long. It’s more than he could have for. Eddie squeezes his arms around Buck. He’s rewarded with a soft, pleased noise. He nuzzles back into Buck’s neck. Home is not a place but this feeling.