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Kim Dokja had a busy day tomorrow—well, today. He had to get to work early; he didn’t want to hear Han Myungoh berate him for being late. He had to test out some new games that could be their next launch. He had to write reports for each of these games, including any bugs and if they would be entertaining enough for the public. He also had to help Han Sooyoung proofread her latest chapter for her new novel.
Now that he thinks about it, it definitely was not a busy day. It was just a regular day with extra steps in it. He was quite excited to start his day just to proofread his friend’s work. His web novels haven’t updated in a few days due to the authors having really crazy accidents—one of them said they had gotten in an accident! Another one even said they had just given birth?!
He thanks Han Sooyoung for letting him proofread her work, he has been deprived of his novels for far too long now.
Now he had a fairly unusual busy day. He knows this, yet there was a problem. He couldn’t sleep. It was three in the morning. This was normal for him. He always slept until early hours of the morning reading webnovels, but there wasn’t any to read at the moment. He was lying on his bed, staring straight at his ceiling, thinking about a certain sunfish who wasn’t in his life anymore.
Kim Dokja had gone no contact with him for a few months now. It was going really well. He hadn’t called, hadn’t texted, hadn’t stalked, it was good. That didn’t stop him from bringing him up, asking about him, and calling him through a different number just to hear his voice.
It was silly. He could easily hear Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice on one of his streams. He already figured out his streaming schedule—Mondays and Fridays were his streaming days at exactly six in the afternoon.
This didn’t count as stalking. Definitely not. He had already known Yoo Joonghyuk had a streaming platform even before they stopped being friends. He was already following him and subscribed to him. It would be a waste not to see him grow, even if it was from afar.
He obviously didn’t check Yoo Joonghyuk’s socials either. He didn’t need to know if his following went up or not. He didn’t need to see if he posted any new photos of himself or sponsorships. He didn’t need to catch himself up with any of his recent outings.
So when Han Sooyoung was lying next to him after a failed movie marathon night at her home; he did not pick up her phone and stalk Yoo Joonghyuk through it. He didn’t. He didn’t see how his personal social media account went up by a follower. He didn’t see how it was a pretty girl by the name of Lee Seolhwa. He didn’t see how she came up in one of his recent posts. He didn’t see how there were comments from their friends asking about his newfound relationship (?) He obviously didn’t.
Kim Dokja hasn’t called Yoo Joonghyuk either. Well, not out of his own volition. The last time he did was when Han Sooyoung had gotten extremely wasted and he couldn’t bring her back home. He had to ask him nicely to take her home since his place was farther and it was late at night.
He didn’t call Yoo Joonghyuk because he wanted to hear him once again. He didn’t call Yoo Joonghyuk because he wanted to see him again. He didn’t call Yoo Joonghyuk for his own reasons when he knew he could call someone else. He didn’t.
He didn’t feel the blood drain from his body when he heard Yoo Joonghyuk say his name with such tenderness like he had been waiting to hear his voice again. His heart didn’t drop when he saw Yoo Joonghyuk in all his glory, still the same man who made his chest ache. He didn’t stutter with words when he was asked how he had been doing and how they should “catch up.” He didn’t.
He knew Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t the one for him. He knew that. He really did. But who was he kidding? Knowing that was different from actually accepting it. The thing was, he didn’t want to lose Yoo Joonghyuk. Even with all this distance between them and them not being “friends” anymore, that didn’t mean Kim Dokja wanted to lose the man. But he had to let go.
He would look at himself in the mirror every day during their college years. Every day he would ask himself, “Are you happy?” The answer would always be the same. Yes. He was happy. He was happy being with Yoo Joonghyuk.
He liked being able to sit next to each other during their shared classes. He liked being able to enjoy Yoo Joonghyuk’s food while eating together on the rooftop. He liked being able to have study sessions at Yoo Joonghyuk’s house. He liked to hear Yoo Joonghyuk talk about his streaming career. He liked being able to go out on these not dates with Yoo Joonghyuk. He liked it. He was happy.
He was a liar. He knew he was a liar deep down. He had to wake up and realize it. He had to accept the truth even if he didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t cover his eyes from it or try to run away from it every time it would start to reveal itself during too quiet or vulnerable moments.
He knew the truth all too well. The truth was he hated it. He hated sitting next to Yoo Joonghyuk in class. He hated the way his breath would hitch just slightly at the brushing of their shoulders. He hated eating Yoo Joonghyuk’s food while being together on the rooftop. He hated how Yoo Joonghyuk’s food was amazing and how he would make it to see him stuff his face with something other than convenience store food. He hated how the rooftop had become their little scared spot; everyone knew not to bother them while they were up there—it was like their little haven. He hated having study sessions at his house. He hated how it felt like he was invading a private space, how it made him feel like he actually had a place with Yoo Joonghyuk. He hated to hear about Yoo Joonghyuk’s streaming career. How he would always mention a “you and I” when there was no such thing as that. He hated going on those not dates with Yoo Joonghyuk. The fleeting touches and lingering eyes; there was only so much he could handle. It had been going on for so long now that he was done with it. He hated it.
What he hated the most was the way he would still call Yoo Joonghyuk. Asking if they were still going to the same stupid restaurant, but trying something new on the menu. Better yet, if they were still going to the movies and watch an anticlimactic movie where their hands would brush against each other on the armrests or while they were reaching for popcorn. Oh, how could he forget? If they were going on a picnic at the park and when the sun starts to set, would he put his jacket over his shoulders and let his eyes linger over his lips?
Old habits die hard. Especially when they’ve been going on since they were freshmen’s in college. Now they were 25. Almost six damn years.
After college, Kim Dokja would get his wish. They would end up drifting from each other. Partly from Yoo Joonghyuk’s career taking off and Kim Dokja’s need to forget their dancing around each other.
Now that it had been a couple of months since their graduation. Kim Dokja could say his life could be better. He got a job, thankfully. Yet it was awful. Han Myungoh is an ass. He constantly piles work on him, harasses his female colleagues, and sits on his ass all day.
At least he made a new friend, Yoo Sangah. She’s a refreshing person to see at work. Her presence is like a soft wave that tickles at your ankles. Since they were hired together, she tries to get conversation out of him. This leads to Han Myungoh going crazy with jealousy, but he’s gotten used to it.
He also hasn’t gone back on his promise. He definitely hasn’t slipped up a few times. He hasn’t. He wouldn’t break the promise. He had to stay strong. It would all pay off in the end.
During the past months, Yoo Sangah and he had become really good friends. He had even introduced her to Sooyoung on one occasion. (He was sure there was something going on between them, he couldn’t prove it but he could feel it.)
During one of their outings, Han Sooyoung and her big mouth would end up bringing up Yoo Joonghyuk. Which in return would pique Sangah's interest, “Ah. Who is Yoo Joonghyuk?”
This would lead Kim Dokja to a full-blown rant over Yoo Joonghyuk for a good fifteen minutes. He mentioned how he was a stoic, sunfish bastard. How he wouldn’t eat anyone else’s food other than his own, but he had amazing cooking skills so he could begrudgingly agree. How he looked like he had been shaped and carved out by the gods themselves. How his physical appearance and his cooking skills were the only good things to him because his personality was shit. How he would invite him out to eat and he would force himself to swallow his food. How he had a streaming career that was paying off extremely well. How he wouldn’t pay attention to a character's death since he was busy wiping Kim Dokja’s tears away. How he would remember his likes and dislikes or mundane things that he had forgotten about.
After his short rant, Han Sooyoung looked like she wanted to die. She had her hands in her hair and her eyes were twitching? Yoo Sangah’s eyes were slightly wide with her mouth shaped into an ‘o,’ before she smiled like something had clicked.
“One might think you’re in love with him, Kim Dokja.” She said with a laugh, proceeding to drink out of her glass.
“He’s been in love with this man! They just keep dancing around each other. It’s been years! I’m so done with this.” Han Sooyoung replied loudly, it seemed like she had gotten out of her trance.
“I’m done with Yoo Joonghyuk. He’s not the one for me and I am not the one for him. Simple as that.” Kim Dokja sighed.
“You said that last time!” Han Sooyoung yelled exasperatedly, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I’m being serious this time! I’m done talking about him. I’m forgetting about him for good. I’m a changed man starting now.” He clicked his tongue. It was about time he left Yoo Joonghyuk in the past.
“If that’s what you say so.” Yoo Sangah chimed in and gave him a smile before conversing with Han Sooyoung about God knows what.
If he had gotten drunk out of his mind and started talking about Yoo Joonghyuk again, no one ever mentioned it. If it wasn’t mentioned then it didn’t happen. He didn’t need it to be mentioned because he definitely knew he didn’t do such a thing.
Kim Dokja hearing Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice for the first time in months through his laptop was not the way he thought he’d get to hear it again.
Yoo Joonghyuk was currently streaming on a Friday afternoon. His streaming career really had taken off. He noticed the small 1.1 million viewers at the bottom left of his screen.
It didn’t hurt to hear Yoo Joonghyuk. It didnt. It truly didn’t. It didn’t burn like a shot of alcohol going down his throat or like he had taken in a puff of smoke. It didn’t. It didn’t hurt him. It didn’t hurt knowing the last thing he heard come out of Yoo Joonghyuk’s mouth was “Are we okay Dokja?” It absolutely didn’t hurt him.
If he was being honest, Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice was still the same roughness and depth that he had remembered. Yet this time it wasn’t filled with tenderness or sweetness. He wasn’t calling out his name in between laughs or talking about how he liked their moments while his eyes drifted to his lips every few seconds.
Kim Dokja should’ve been more aware at the time. He should’ve realized sooner how doomed he was while being with Yoo Joonghyuk. Pining wasn’t for the weak. He had been a weak man for almost six damn years. He couldn’t take one more. He should’ve left earlier. Maybe then he would’ve been free and not a pathetic excuse of a man who yearns for his best friend.
Now Kim Dokja has left. He had to leave for good and he knows it. These last few months he has been making progress and it has to stay like that. He can continue. He has to keep looking straight. He can’t afford to turn back now. The farther the better. He’s healing, slowly but he is healing. He’s moving on.
Oh but who was he kidding? Kim Dokja knew he had promised that he wouldn’t talk about Yoo Joonghyuk anymore. How he would forget about him. How he was a changed man. But who was he kidding?
He knew that at any time he would go back to Yoo Joonghyuk. That despite their dancing around each other and their “mutual pining” he would go back. He doesn’t hate Yoo Joonghyuk, God, he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to hate him.
He hates himself for turning good things that he had with Yoo Joonghyuk into resentment. But could you really blame him? After damn near six years of the same fleeting touches and lingering gazes, wouldn’t everyone start to think about how they yearn for more?
He didn’t want to feel Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand while they were walking shoulder to shoulder, he wanted to feel Yoo Joonghyuk’s, hand in hand, with him. No one else. He didn’t want to notice Yoo Joonghyuk’s wandering gaze at his lips every time they were near each other or at a romantic place. He wanted to feel Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips on his own, slot them into each other, mapping out his mouth with his tongue, and conclude how his mouth tastes.
But wouldn’t the best be to let go? Let go of Yoo Joonghyuk since he isn’t the one for him? Damn near six years and no one has made the first move? What if he did make a move and it all went to shit? Was he wrong to think that Yoo Joonghyuk would’ve already made a move on him if he truly did want to be with him? Or was he just as scared as he was? Was that a long stretch?
Kim Dokja was brought out of his thoughts by the sudden ring of his phone. He looked over to his clock on his bedside table, it was almost near four in the morning. Who in their right mind calls at four in the morning?
Kim Dokja picks up his phone and nearly drops it at seeing the caller ID.
Yoo Joonghyuk
No. Kim Dokja couldn’t give in. He couldn’t. He had been doing so well. He can’t.
It wasn’t until the last ring that he picked up.
“Yoo Joonghyuk? It’s almost four in the morning, Why are you calling so late—“ Kim Dokja begins berating him for calling so late before he was cut off. (Not like he was doing anything important but just thinking about him, he didn’t need to know that obviously.)
“Go on a date with me.”
Kim Dokja stays silent for a few moments. Did he just hear that right? He must’ve gone mad with sleep deprivation. He wasn’t just asked by Yoo Joonghyuk to go on a date with him. There was no way this was happening at four—
“Kim Dokja? Are you there?” Yoo Joonghyuk asks, a slight hint of concern could be heard through the line.
“Ah—Yes I’m here,” Kim Dokja regains his composure, “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I don’t think I heard you right.”
“Go on a date with me. A serious date. I’m courting you. Serious courting.” Yoo Joonghyuk repeats and clarifies what he means. Oh, so Kim Dokja wasn’t dreaming. This was happening at four in the morning.
“You couldn’t have waited until morning like a normal human being to ask me? What is wrong with—“
“Stop deflecting. Yes or no Kim Dokja.” Yoo Joonghyuk cuts him off, again.
Kim Dokja sighs. He bites the inside of his lip and thinks. He knows the obvious answer. He has been waiting for this since he realized he had feelings for Yoo Joonghyuk.
“Yes. I’ll go on a date with you. I expect every serious step in courtship.” Kim Dokja speaks up after a moment, hand in his hair, and a giddy smile forming.
“Of course. I wouldn’t want to mess it up after six years.” Yoo Joonghyuk replies after. Kim Dokja can hear the slight cheer in his voice when he says it. He knows he’s aware of their dancing around and he knows he means it.
At least now he knows he shouldn’t let go before actually trying. He also shouldn't make promises he knows he can’t keep.