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Alhaitham was a shameless flirt and people had no idea.
Kaveh tried to make others aware but everyone treated him like a crazy person. Even the stoic Tighnari laughed in his face and told him to be more observant in the future. There usually was one person who would listen to him no matter what and then argue about it, but at least he would listen . But now it wasn't an option; now he was on his own because there was no way in hell he would discuss Alhaitham’s flirty tendencies with the man himself.
So he was left to wallow in frustration, discomfort in his stomach.
On nights when Alhaitham wished for a companion he would go to the nearest tavern (always so efficient ) and strike up a conversation with the prettiest person there. He usually went for foreigners, Kaveh discovered, guys more often than girls. And then they talked, Alhaitham sipping drinks (even though he had been refusing to drink with Kaveh claiming he despises alcohol) and smiling, eyes half closed in the dim light. Kaveh was also in the tavern sometimes, in a far away corner nursing a wine or something stronger if the night called for it. He would see the moment Alhaitham downed the rest of the drink, set the glass on the counter with a sort of finality. And then he would suggest, tone quiet, discreet and seductive, to spend the night together. Kaveh never saw someone turn him down. They would be mad to do so; he once witnessed Alhaitham's face when asking the question. His face wasn't the most expressive, he might have looked bored - if it wasn't for the desire in his eyes, raw, powerful in a way that Kaveh’s knees almost went out just from an observant look.
Since they always went to their Alhaitham's house, he usually stayed in the tavern, happy not to intrude. The night would crawl forward, helped immensely by wine and ultimately he would be coming home drunk enough to numb everything that hurt. That was his method and usually he would come back to a blessed silence and fall asleep, no dreams to torment him.
But there were also nights when he was too deep in work or too distracted to notice Alhaitham was going out. He would suddenly hear the door creak, shushed words and laughter, and then unmistakable sounds of passion.
At least they always went to Alhaitham's room. However, the walls carried sound in this place. Every so often Kaveh would be stuck awake, heat coiling between his legs and the moans of Alhaitham's partner for the night in his ears. Sometimes he violently wished his roommate wasn't as talented in that regard as he apparently was.
Some nights he could bear it, tossing and turning until the air grew quiet. Other nights he shamefully released his tension, flushed and panting afterwards. But the worst nights, the ones he wished never happened, were when he would fall deep into a restless slumber, images of green eyes and strong hands and intense, toe-curling pleasure. He would wake up suddenly and regret his weak mind til dawn came, rushing to work before he could meet Alhaitham having his morning coffee.
He rarely invited strangers into his bed. He found it unpleasant to share something so intimate with people of no importance. But after these awful nights full of awful dreams it was the only thing that could soothe the gnawing in his mind and the loneliness in his stomach. He would go to theirs, not wanting Alhaitham to hear what he heard. It was usually fast and hard, until he was coming apart and his mind grew quiet, full of lust and desire.
Once his partner asked to come to Kaveh’s place. He lives with his sister, he said, it would be most inconvenient. Kaveh agreed reluctantly. It went as it always would, apart from the fact that the guy was unfairly skilled. Kaveh thought he knew pleasure - that night he scrapped that thought. After what felt like hours of delicious delicious torture, he came, and then again, in a neverending cycle throughout the night. Thought of his roommate never crossed his mind, until his partner smirked, his expression satisfied in the first light of the day.
“I love when they are so loud” he said arrogantly and left.
Kaveh came to his senses then. He hazily recalled something crashing on the other side of the wall, but the exact details were hidden behind the exhilaration of his orgasm.
He tried to leave discreetly. But he had to shower (he was filthy ), and when he finally got dressed and sneaked inside the kitchen for a snack, Alhaitham was already there. Kaveh blushed. He must have heard him.
But there was no comment, no snide remark. Alhaitham handed him a cup of coffee and a peach.
“You will need the energy” he said simply, face unreadable. “I will be gone til tomorrow” he added and left the kitchen with a purposeful walk.
Kaveh drank the coffee and ate the peach. He was sore all over, but he had to get to work and so he did. His head felt like cotton when he came back and so he laid down on the couch, too tired to crawl back upstairs to his room. He didn't want to sleep, but he blinked and suddenly it was dark, silence of the night wrapped around him like the softest velvet. He was still tired, exhaustion deep in his bones. So he kept laying down staring at the ceiling, white and boring. He knew this was an emotional crash as well as a physical one, brought on by tension and stress from existing in this house, with that man. He didn't want to think about it though, so he didn't.
Later that night he awoke again, roused by the key in the lock and shoes being thrown to the floor. Alhaitham stilled at the sight of him on the couch, but Kaveh didn't want to argue, not tonight. He closed his eyes quickly, pretending to have woken up just for a second, in such a way that you are instantly brought back to the same dream, the reality forgotten.
He heard more shuffling and stumbling, water being poured in the kitchen, finally heavy steps up the stairs. Suddenly he was wide awake. He wondered where Alhaitham was, to come back at such an hour (an hour left till dawn) and to come back alone. It was none of his business, of course it was, he could spend his time however he wanted. They weren't even friends, not in a sense that would let him freely ask why he came back so late and who was he with and where did he go and did Kaveh do something wrong and-
No, it was no use. He turned on his side, arms wrapped around himself and willed himself to sleep. That night he had no dreams at all.
The following days everything was normal, so normal that Kaveh only got a headache from over analysing them. They passed each other in the kitchen in the morning and then passed each other again in the living room in the evening. Alhaitham had a couple of people over; Kaveh chose to drink himself stupid in the tavern every time that happened. They fought over dirty dishes in the sink. They argued about piles of books on the coffee table. They exchanged strong words over who leaves the bigger mess in the bathroom (Kaveh, of course it was Kaveh, but he would never say it out loud).
One day Kaveh was lounging on the couch, basking in the afternoon sun and reading an interesting piece on Fontainian city plans. He was comfy and happy. Alhaitham walked into the room and suddenly went very very still. And pale.
“What's the matter with you?” Kaveh asked absentmindedly and flipped a page.
“Nothing” he answered in a clipped tone. ”I forgot about something.”
“Fine, don't tell me” Kaveh said in mild annoyance.
Alhaitham left.
He was back three hours later, but not by himself. There were two girls with him, both simply gorgeous as well as tipsy. Alhaitham was tipsy too, if his pink cheeks were anything to go by.
“Should we go upstairs?” he suggested to the girls in a dark tone.
Kaveh rose up from the couch hastily, venom in his throat.
“You can stay here if you want” he suggested with a strained voice. “It's fine, I was just leaving.”
He pushed past the trio and in a flash he was on the street, doors closed behind him. Fighting nausea he sat with his back to the wood, hands gripping his satchel so hard his knuckles went white.
Everything inside him was hurting, he realised. Was it misplaced jealousy or anger at being an afterthought, he couldn't tell. It didn't matter anyway.
Dusk was setting and so he went to the tavern. He drank a lot this time, more than he would usually allow himself. When he left his head was spinning and he was feeling very sorry for himself in general. He stopped in front of their Alhaitham's house and felt his heart clenching. He didn't want to go inside, to witness whatever the three might have been doing. He didn't want to but he had to and so he kept standing there, in the middle of the street.
After a while the door opened and he was looking right at Alhaitham.
“Why aren't you coming inside?” he asked.
“I don't want to” Kaveh answered and his traitorous lip quivered and there he was, crying silently. He could feel tears flowing down, dripping on his shirt and neck, and he winced in embarrassment.
“I'm sorry” he choked out. He pushed past Alhaitham and managed to take his shoes off without falling on his face. He moved to go upstairs, but there was a hand on his wrist and-
“What happened?” in the softest voice.
“Did someone hurt you?” with a danger lurking underneath the sweet words.
Kaveh laughed then, a manic, deranged laugh and wrestled himself free.
“I hurt myself enough” he spat out and ran away, away from green eyes and the illusion of care in them.
Next morning he woke up with a hangover. He needed to get out of there, he thought. So he went for advice to the only rational person he knew. Tighnari was surprised to see him but let him in without questions.
“I need help” Kaveh said as soon as he sat down. His friend's ears perked up.
“I'm a disaster” Kaveh continued. “Every day I'm at the tavern drinking, desperately wishing I could stop thinking. Nothing helps, not sex, not alcohol, work, nothing.”
“But what are you thinking about that is so awful?”
“That's the worst of it” Kaveh grimaced. “I can't stop thinking about all the people Alhaitham's been bringing to the house. And how desperately, pathetically, I wish it was me instead.”
He hid his face in his hands.
“I don't know what to do, Tighnari.”
Tighnari hummed thoughtfully.
“Did you stop to think that maybe he thinks that way too?”
“No” Kaveh looked at him pleadingly. “I can't. Because if I'm wrong, this would make it weird and awkward, and it can't be. We're everything, pain, regret, fights, but we cannot be weird! I can't lose the rest of what we had, I can't-”
He started sobbing into his friend's shoulder.
“This is all my fault, all of this, we could have had so much more if I hadn't-”
“Shh, don't do this to yourself” Tighnari hugged him tightly. “Not everything is your fault. But I think- I think you should move out.”
Kaveh pushed him away.
“This is such shitty advice” he said, still crying.
“It's good advice and you should take it” said Tighnari unfazed.
Kaveh just sobbed louder, knowing he was right.
He was in the living room now, his packed suitcase at his feet. The lock clicked and he turned to see Alhaitham - with another night’s conquest.
“Can we talk for a second?” Kaveh asked, clenching his hands. The date must have felt the mood since he turned on his heel and promptly left. Good for him.
“What is it now?” Alhaitham shot a look at the suitcase. “Do you have a work trip planned?”
Not exactly, Kaveh was just running away.
“I'm moving out” he said, trying to keep his emotions in check. “I think I overstayed my welcome here. Something is wrong with us, with this.”
“What are you even saying?” Alhaitham said, panic seeping into his voice. “Kaveh, everything is fine, we're fine .“
“Nothing is fine!” Kaveh screamed, last shreds of his self control disappearing. “I don't know what gave us the idea that we could do this! There is no way back to the past, and this is just torture, seeing what we became- seeing what we can never go back to! I can't live like this, or I won't be alive much longer-”
He clasped a hand over his mouth. He didn't want to say that. Alhaitham was looking as pale as death itself.
“Kaveh, what- what is this? I-”
“Just- don't interrupt” Kaveh said, eyes downcast, fingernails digging into his palms. “I packed my things, all the work stuff was picked up already. Since I was living at your house, which I'm grateful for-”
His voice cracked. He swallowed and tried again.
“Which I'm grateful for, I didn't have that much to pack. I left the money for this month's rent on the table.”
And now came the worst part.
“Thank you for everything” he breathed and fished his key out of his pocket. He pushed it into Alhaitham's hand and when he didn't react, Kabeh delicately closed his fingers around the warm metal.
He picked up his suitcase and left, determined to flee as fast as possible. His heart was barely holding on as it was. But when he was at the door he turned around. He really shouldn't have.
Alhaitham was standing motionlessly, head low, key in an outstretched hand. He looked small and alone in the space around him and Kaveh had to rip himself away before he would do something stupid.
It was for the best.
He stayed with Tighnari for a couple of weeks. He tried his best not to be a burden, keeping his emotions in check until he was alone. Only then he allowed himself to feel, sobbing over his soul being torn apart until his throat was raw. It had seemed to him that being roommates with Alhaitham was the worst case, but now he longed for their life, mundane and dreary as it was.
He didn't drink since then his control would be gone and he was terrified of what he might do. Something stupid like begging Alhaitham to forgive him, most probably.
Work was passing in a blur, his projects subpar and lacking their spark. He hoped it was just a temporary setback since losing his professional life as well would be too heavy of a burden to bear.
Tighnari had been watching him with drooping ears, concern written clearly in his face. There was no pity in his voice at least, but the words he used were gentle as if he was calming a spooked animal. Kaveh felt like that sometimes; cornered by his own choices and emotions, thrashing in a net of fated meetings that took place at the wrong time.
He refused to talk about Alhaitham. Tighnari respectfully didn't pry, but Kaveh was sure that he had heard how the scribe was faring without him. Probably better. Definitely better. Inviting lots of people for sleepovers, no doubt. Good for him, he thought and started crying again.
One day Tighnari decided it was time for an intervention.
“Kaveh” he said “moving out was supposed to help you get over him. Instead you look even worse, not to mention how you feel. I think you need to leave the city, go on a trip or something.”
“What” croaked Kaveh, his throat dry. “Where am I supposed to go?”
“You always wanted to see that obscure temple in the middle of the desert, didn't you? Now's the time. Go and think about something else for a while.”
His friend's tone wasn't to be disputed with. A week later Kaveh was standing in front of the temple, fine sand whirling in the wind around his feet. The temple was beautiful, just as he read. It was balanced perfectly, symmetry present but not overbearing. He spent the whole day walking around, his mind quiet for once.
He set up camp a bit of a distance away, just to be sure - temples from king Deshret’s time always made him anxious at night, as if someone was wandering around. He spent a long, relaxing week taking the building in; he drew and pondered the solutions. It was fantastic.
On the last day, just as the sun began to set, he returned to the camp as usual. However that day, there was a man sitting next to Kaveh's tent. A man that Kaveh would recognise anywhere.
He turned on heel, ready to escape. But he was spotted and a voice called out after him, the voice he longed to hear and was afraid to.
“Kaveh, please, let me..”
Kaveh stopped, his heart beating wildly. I am a weak, pathetic man, he thought and turned to look at Alhaitham, who rose from the ground and was treading the sand in his direction.
“What- what do you want?” Kaveh stammered out. “Don't come any closer!”
Alhaitham stopped as if hit, a couple of steps in front of him.
“Kaveh” he said, eyes like shattered glass.” I understand you don't want to see me-”
“That's right!” he answered quickly, even though his mind and heart were chanting a completely different response. “How did you even find me, no one knew I-”
He narrowed his eyes. He would kill Tighnari.
“No, he didn't want to tell me!” Alhaitham said quickly. “I made him.”
“Tighnari isn't that type of person who can be made to do anything” Kaveh said with disbelief.” Anyway, that isn't important! Go away!”
“Kaveh” Alhaitham said again, making a tiny step forward. ”Please, I want to talk to you. Just give me five minutes and I will be gone.”
Kaveh looked at him and after a second nodded slightly.
“Thank you” Alhaitham breathed. “I wanted to ask what I had done to make you move out. I never wanted you to do that, I never thought we were wrong in living together. Why did you do it?”
Kaveh bit his lip hard, until he tasted blood.
“It was driving me crazy. You were. We are not good for each other.”
“Kaveh, we are exactly right. We know each other. Please, come back home. We can make it right, fix whatever you need to be fixed.”
“See, you just- don't understand! I fucked up so bad there is nothing to fix, everything is burnt to the ground! I am not worth this worry you have, just go live your life-”
A warm hand grabbing his. Green eyes searching for something in his face.
“It's you who doesn't understand” whispered Alhaitham. “I didn't need a housemate, alright? I was doing alright on my own, but once I realised I have a chance to keep seeing you every day, I had to take it. I thought you hated me for that, I thought I had to keep my distance- And every time I thought we were getting better, we would fight again, so I started looking for, let's say, external approval.”
Kaveh winced.
“I know, I know, it was stupid. But it was also the only thing that made me forget about you, at least for the night. But then you brought someone back, and I couldn't stand it.”
“You didn't seem like it bothered you.”
“It did, like crazy. I couldn't shake off the feeling that something was very wrong. And then I made everything worse, and you didn't even want to come inside our house anymore- “
“Our house?”
“It stopped being only my house the second you moved in” Alhaitham said gently. Kaveh felt tears swelling in his eyes.
“And when you left it, I lost my mind. My life isn't worth anything without you in it, alright? I wanted so badly to give you space, to let you heal, but I finally snapped yesterday and went to Tighnari’s. Believe me, he didn't want to tell me anything . I had to beg him, I was ready to fall on my knees in front of his house and stay until he would-”
Kaveh started sobbing desperately, his heart ripping in two.
“No, please, please don't cry, I can't make you cry again, please-”
“You say that, and yet you keep doing it!”.
“I know” Alhaitham gripped his hand tighter. “And I hope you can forgive me for doing this and everything else.”
“It's me who needs to be forgiven- but I can't ask that of you, I did and said such awful things to you, fuck -”
“I have forgiven you long ago” Alhaitham cupped his cheek with his other hand, gently stroking it with his thumb. “It seems to me that what you need to do is to forgive yourself .”
These words were the final nail in the coffin. Kaveh crashed into Alhaitham, his hands embracing him with desperation, with need, trying to show everything he shoved deep down, but failed- oh he failed so bad-
And Alhaitham was hugging him back, strong and dependable, his nose in the crook of Kaveh's neck, mumbling sorries into his sun-kissed skin. Kaveh was sure he looked like a mess now, staining Alhaitham's clothes with his tears, but he couldn't stop, months of tension leaving his tortured soul.
“Whatever you do, I will forgive you every time” Alhaitham promised softly, taking a step back to lock their eyes together. “Just don't run away, alright?”
“Never again” Kaveh answered through tears and smiled.
Hours later, under the shining stars, two figures were sitting in an embrace among the silence of the ancient desert; after years of orbiting each other, their fates finally intertwined.