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The sun is setting and yet the heat relents. It crawls up Woonhak's arms, weaves through the soft expanse of the hard-to-see hair that covers the skin there and travels until it encases him entirely. It leaves him feeling the full effect of the warmth in a way he once thought only water could do: Woonhak is drowning feverishly.
Sweat beads on his neck and threatens to drip down his forehead. Even so, Woonhak wipes it away carelessly, too engrossed in what he sees in front of him. His chest rises, before falling again almost immediately. He squints, tilts his head, runs a hand through his hair and wills himself not to cry. His other arm hangs limp at his side and threatens to drop the dark blue baseball cap he holds in his loosening grip.
He's not going to cry over this.
He tightens his hold on the hat, hand turning red with the way his fist squeezes before he plops it onto his head, long hair flattening against his forehead. It's gotten to a length in which the soft brown strands brush against his eyelashes, tickling him. He doesn't bother fixing it—in fact he hopes it's doing a good job of hiding the tears he knows are threatening to spill over.
He's not going to cry over this.
This being Jaehyun: Jaehyun sprawled out on the ground, body pressed against another body in a way that has Woonhak's heart racing; stomach hurting to the point he has to hold back the urge to dry heave.
Woonhak can't bring himself to look away, no matter how much it's hurting him. His eyes flit back and forth between Jaehyun and the boy he's kissing. The boy. He's. Kissing. The boy that Jaehyun is kissing.
Woonhak knows there's no point in being hurt, Jaehyun isn't his. Never has been, never will be. It doesn't matter how many kisses they've shared in the dark, or how often their hands have wandered when it was just the two of them in a room. It was never something reserved for Woonhak no matter how much he desperately wants it to be.
They're on a blanket—the same stupid quilt that Woonhak recognizes from Jaehyun’s basement, they've watched thousands of movies together with that same quilt lying atop of them—Jaehyun is almost fully covering the other person as they kiss, engrossed completely. He's loving it, Woonhak can tell by the way Jaehyun's fingers twitch against the other boy's sides, desperate to wander.
They're under the shade of a tree in this damn park meanwhile Woonhak is on the verge of dying in the heat. He swallows and the lump in his throat threatens to get stuck. He licks his lips in an attempt to fix how dry they've gotten—how dry he feels. Nothing is working and nothing is helping. He finally turns away from it all: picks up a brisk pace as he walks away, not daring to look back.
So much for playing catch together, for one last summer of every moment spent with each other before Woonhak leaves for his first year of college and doesn't come back.
He's not coming back; he's certain now. The feeling spreads through him, nipping at his fingertips, bitter and all consuming.
…
It's gotten cooler out by the time Jaehyun stops by Woonhak's house later that evening. He doesn't bother inviting the older boy in, instead, he steps through the doorway and plops himself onto the concrete steps, letting the screen door slam behind him. Jaehyun winces at the sound and a splash of confusion shows on his face as Woonhak gestures for him to sit down next to him.
It's quiet for a moment, nothing but the soft sounds of crickets chirping in the night air. Woonhak glances up; lets out a breath of air as his eyes wander between the stars that have begun to light up the sky ever so slightly. He leans back onto his hands.
Woonhak can feel the eyes trained on him, having always been good at knowing when Jaehyun is staring at him. Some might call it intuition, others may say it's just pure coincidence. Woonhak, however, knows it to be because a part of his soul is connected to Jaehyun’s—in tune with his in a way nobody else will ever feel.
He turns his head to the side and sure enough: Jaehyun is already looking.
He smiles softly, eyes big and full of fondness as he watches Woonhak. For a moment, Woonhak can pretend that everything is fine, that his heart isn't broken and his skin still tender from having gotten too close to something that was burning.
He's not sure how it happens, how the two of them go from watching each other to Jaehyun now on his lap, straddling Woonhak’s thighs with his arms wrapped around his neck like it means something. Like his hand in Woonhak's hair could be a sign of being in love.
“Hi,” he whispers, face centimeters away from Woonhak’s own, “I've missed you.”
He kisses him almost immediately, lips connecting with Woonhak's like a puzzle piece settling into place. Woonhak can't help his reaction as he finds himself lifting his hands to Jaehyun’s waist, holding him in place. It's a lot all at once.
The kiss almost feels frantic in the way Jaehyun drags his tongue against Woonhak's lips, letting out a soft sound of satisfaction once Woonhak finally grants him full access. He licks into his mouth fervently and Woonhak lets him, welcomes it even, a sweet craving he can't help but indulge in.
Woonhak's hands drift lower on Jaehyun's body, moving to settle against the older boy's ass as he rocks down against Woonhak, their bodies flush together. Woonhak groans into Jaehyuns mouth at the feeling, desperate for more, eager to take anything that Jaehyun can give him.
Jaehyun. He's here on Woonhak's lap and kissing him. He's kissing him.
Woonhak's stomach fills with butterflies from it all. They flutter in circles, leaving something pleasant and warm to overwhelm him and for heat to rise in his cheeks uncontrollably. His lips threaten to turn upwards against Jaehyun's lips—he swears they almost do.
He's about to smile until it hits him; The memory of earlier, heavy and hot and filtering into his lungs until he can no longer breathe. It's poisonous gas that drifts its way through him and finds its way into his stomach; bursting into a flame that targets every single butterfly until their wings are burnt.
They drop; falling helplessly to the pit of his stomach along with bits of ash. Completely lifeless.
Everything feels cold all of a sudden. A chill sweeps up Woonhak's spine as goosebumps rise on his skin. He freezes in place and Jaehyun notices, of course he does.
Woonhak pulls away.
Jaehyun doesn't dare to chase after his lips. He blinks, dazed, “What's wrong?” Woonhak doesn't reply, unsure of himself and the decision he's certain he's about to make.
Everything feels slow, the air thick in the way molasses is as Jaehyun takes the silence as a sign to slide himself off from Woonhak's lap, stepping down the concrete stairs until he's standing directly in front of Woonhak.
There's space between them now, that's probably good. Woonhak wraps his arms around himself, the chill in the night air more menacing than ever now that Woonhak has no one to keep him warm.
He lets out a breath of air opening his mouth to speak; Jaehyun beats him to it.
“Are you—” He blinks, eyes cloudy as he clears his throat and tries again, “Are you ending things between…” Woonhak can tell that the older boy can't bring himself to finish his sentence, the words stuck in his throat.
Woonhak won't put it off any longer, can't allow Jaehyun to wait with that hurt look on his face, “Me and you, doing this, yeah.” He nods once, tries to keep his face straight and his voice from trembling. “I think we'll be better off as friends.”
He doesn't say the rest of what he's thinking out loud: That he's too in love with Jaehyun for it all, too selfish and unable to share what he wishes to be all his. He can't tell Jaehyun that it's killing him, burning him alive. So hot that it's leaving him cold now.
So he doesn't.
Woonhak stands up, doesn't dare to glance at Jaehyun's face as he mumbles out a quick, “I'm sorry.” before turning and going back inside. The stinging behind his eyes hurts more now than ever as he slides his back down the cool wood of his front door.
Woonhak shivers as he tucks his knees in towards his chest, trying his very best to make himself small. The tears eventually find their way down his cheeks as his body wracks with chills and sobs. He rubs pointlessly at his eyes but nothing helps to stop the waterfall of tears.
Woonhak is drowning again and it's finally in the way he's always been used to: freezing cold.