Chapter Text
Neil grasped the comforter on his bed and pulled it higher up till where his shoulder met his neck, leaving his head and one arm out to brave the too cool air of the dorm.
His hand cradled his phone while he connected his wired headphones into both ears, once done he played Gigi Perez's song titled Sugar Water from her new album, At the beach, in every life. He had intended on putting some music on, then reading some happy rom com to escape from the reality that was his life but those plans ended when the song began playing and he followed the devastating background track followed by the lyrics, It's hard to ever feel intact, it's hard to never want it back, it was the gust of feeling and numbness all in one, it was the type of tune that made you want to stare at the wall, to which he did.
Neil lied on his back staring at the roof, the feeling despair but his thoughts that that been rapidly playing his misfortunes was surprising gone, not thought but felt in the distance of his mind. The lyrics, the sky was blue, our favorite tree. I want it bad, I want it back. We laid under, you made tea. I want it back. Sugar water you served me, brought a smallest smile to Neils lips as he thought of memories of Andrew and his laying upon the roof in silence as they looked at the blues of the open sky or the times, he tried Andrew's drink knowing it was too sugary even in the basic of drinks such as water. Though the thought of Andrew brought the unwarranted ache in his chest that stayed present since leaving the other at the airport pained his heart and bounced back enough to give him a headache. If only to dig the knife deeper the lyrics, Now I can your silhouette, Casting over my twin bed, finished him off. Oh, what he wouldn't do to have Andrew here with him, over his bed.
He woke up four hours later. At least he thought he was sleeping, though him dissociating and just now becoming aware again is a more than likely scenario as he hasn't been sleeping much- that makes the amount of time he's spend in bed sound unjustifiable. His roommates- new foxes- don't care to interact with him-even though he is the captain- they are a quieter bunch that him and the original foxes had been, with that in mind they didn't bat an eye or attempt at measly conversation when he walked to the bathroom. After closing the door Neil turns the faucet on and splashes some cold water onto his face, places both hands on the opposite ends of the vanity, leaning forward to look in the mirror.
His red hair and scarred body reminded him of his father; he had to suppress a shiver in his legs at the thought of being caught under his blade again. God, why couldn't he be normal? Why couldn't he function without Andrew or the rest of the foxes? He was messing everything his family had built to improve the team up, he wasn't good enough. At this rate Ichirou could come, and Neil would fail to appease him, and he would be responsible for Kevin and Jeans deaths, he couldn't really say he cared about his own except that he wouldn't want Andrew to blame himself or be inconvenienced by it.
It was getting to be too much; Andrew wasn't here to place a hand on his neck or stay up with him when he woke constantly from nightmares. What made it worse was that many of them were of Andrew being taken instead of him on the dreadful day that ended the texted countdown, or they were that of Andrew not forgiving him for not telling him- which sounds really hypocritical of him, as Andrew doesn't know about Neils current status.
He wouldn't want to bother the man though as he is in the middle of a press tour with his new pro team and they are travelling frequently; he doesn't want to make Andrew more stressed out than he already is with all the flying they're doing. He didn't know what to do thou, he lives for Andrew after all Andrew is the one that showed him how to live and not survive, to choose him over fleeing into another life where he would be in Baltimore, forgotten in a basement he couldn't leave.
He didn't see the point, he didn't know who he was. Right now, he was Chris, or he could be Alex. He was Stefan, Alex, Chris, Neil, Nathaniel, and Abram all at once, they were fighting for a place to go. Neil couldn't run though, he promised Andrew he wouldn't. But that's all the others knew how to do, stuck between decisions he was panting, tangling his hands into his hair before he swung his fist back then shattering the mirror into hefty fragments. Frantic, he hurried down to the floor to pick the pieces up, his shaking hands tried to pick up a decent sized piece of the mirror but ended up cutting his finger, drawing blood.
He was infatuated with the color and warmth of his own blood staring at it, then shaking his head he huffs and realizes he's not much different from his murderous father. He had been a liar- didn't he say he would stop that? - he had led Andrew to believe he was a safe space, a trustworthy pillar for him to lean on, another person to entrust his family to. It's a lie, he sees it all now, he lied, they aren't safe, Neil is just like his father, and he would never forgive himself for doing that to Andrew. Holding up the shard of glass, he places it horizontally just above the skin of his wrist.
He knows its selfish, that he doesn't deserve it but putting the shard down, he wobbly picks his phone and dials Andrew's number. Setting on speaker and placing it on the floor in front of him, he grabs the glass and repositions it in the same place from before but this time setting it on his skin with decent pressure. Only once he's done, does the phone show the call active.
"Neil" Andrew deadpanned, and Neil released a heavy breath of relief.
"Neil?" Andrew repeated after some more silence but more as a question since he could hear heavy pants from Neil.
"What's going on? Neil where are you?" Andrew spoke into the phone; concern laced thicker in each following word.
"Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I don't want to bother you, I messed up, help me- no wait, don't- I don't want this, I'm not like them please don't think I am-" Neil kept going, rambling until Andrew interrupted him.
"Rabbit, breathe. what are you talking about? What did you do" Andrew questioned.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, please don't forgive me. I'm not worth it, I won't let me be like them, I won't let someone like them- like me- be around you again-" Neil let out.
"you're not like them rabbit, you don't hurt me" Andrew tried speaking even as Neil kept going in the background.
A faint, low whisper that said, "goodbye drew, thank you for everything" was the last words Andrew heard before the quick drag of the glass flowed blood from his wrist to his inner elbow.