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Shinigami found herself brooding deeply. She wasn't one much for intense thought, but when one was so wholly alone as often as she was, getting lost in her own mind was difficult to avoid. She wore a scowl befitting her dark mood, although on her puffy ghost face it probably looked too cute for anyone to take her seriously. Not that anyone but her master could see her anyway.
The others were all playing with cards around a fold-out table. They were taking some time to relax and bond per that sheltered skank's request, but the only way Hellara was going to agree was if gambling was involved. Freak. So here they were. Shinigami didn't know what game they were playing specifically, since it wasn't like she ever got to try any for herself, but it didn't really matter. She wasn't in the mood to play.
She hadn't been with her master for very long, but her attachment to him went far beyond that of any others in the past. He hadn't asked for her power for selfish reasons. He wanted to help others, to make everyone in the world happy. He was just, or at least he was trying to be. And she admired that. But, he was different form Number One now (which was only to be expected due to the amnesia, but still…). Number One had promised not to be annoyed and weird about her, and she had foolishly let herself believe that, even though she knew he couldn't keep it. She knew he was going to change once the pact was sealed, but had stupidly held onto the faint hope that he'd still be kind to her.
Shinigami couldn't remember how long it had been since someone let her out of her book before now. Days and years and centuries all blurred together in her memory. She felt simultaneously like she had lived the whole length of the universe's lifespan and like she had been born days ago. Like she had just met him yesterday and like she had been devoted to him her whole life. She would go eons without ever seeing another living being, festering in her book with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. And even when she was let out, it was usually by disgusting people who didn't give a damn about her, only what she could do for them.
Halara tossed a handful of stray shien into the middle of the table, prompting everyone else to do so as well. Yakou groaned miserably as his pitiful few coins clattered against the others.
"Wow," Shinigami giggled, running her incorporeal hands over the pile. Her manner was hollow, but she felt herself compelled to keep being cheerful for her master. Although, he probably wouldn't even care if he knew how tense she was right now. Maybe he'd even be relieved, and want to use it as a reason to end their pact here and now. "Fuzzhead sure is poor, isn't he, master?"
Her master sighed. "I'm trying to focus. Could you be quiet for a little while, please?" Yep, he was annoyed with her, as he had been since getting off the Amaterasu Express. Expecting anything else was stupid of her.
"Aww, but your cute puffy partner is great at Black Jack!"
"This is Kanai-style poker."
She shrugged and hovered over to his shoulder, scanning his cards. "Shitty hand, huh?"
"Your starting hand isn't everything," he grumped. "Halara said you can win with anything if you play your cards right."
"Isn't Hellara trying to win your money right now, though? You don't stand a chance against a master gambler."
"Well, that's why I need to focus, Shinigami. You making fun of me is going to lose me the pot."
"You're so boring…."
She perched on the back of his chair and watched, thinking about what he said. In a way, she was like his hand, wasn't she? Number One's trump card against the Great Global Mystery. He couldn't solve it on his own, so he needed a trick up his sleeve, powers of fate beyond his own abilities. If he used the mystery labyrinth right, he could solve something no one else could, and deliver a justice the law wasn't able to. That's why he came to her. He wanted her power to do what he couldn't alone.
That's what everyone wanted, her power. That was her whole purpose, to boom-kill the bad guys for them. But…that didn't stop her from feeling like, maybe…maybe he wanted more than that. Maybe this time, someone came to her for more than unholy powers. Maybe he wanted her. Shinigami. Maybe he wanted the person underneath all the mystery and magic.
Wouldn't that be nice?
She let out a little sigh. As kind and passionate as he was, she knew that just couldn't be. If it was, he would want to keep her with him even after all the mysteries were solved. He would have wanted to find a way. But, all he was really interested in was using her power for himself. And inevitably, when he solved whatever was going on here, it'd be back to the book for her….
That sheltered skank gleefully pulled in the pot to the groans of the boys. Hellara merely watched ominously.
Try as she might, she couldn't keep the forced glee from draining from her voice. "Does she really need more money?"
"She won the round. That's just how the game goes."
"You'll never pay off Hellara's debt at this rate."
"Well, maybe I'll win something if you leave me alone."
"Hmph…."
She moved to the other side of his head, where she could see Fuzzhead's cards better, and blinked the blurriness out of her eyes. He was definitely losing more money this round.
Unless he played his cards right.
How long would it take her master to figure out Kanai Ward's secret and solve the Great Global Mystery? They had been here for a couple days and solved a spooky murder case at that clock tower, but weren't any closer to answers. At least, she didn't think so, but she was pretty terrible at solving mysteries. Wasn't that ironic? The death god with mystery-solving powers didn't actually know how to do that on her own. Maybe she'd be able to help her master better if she did. Maybe he'd care about her more if she was more useful. Maybe he'd actually thank her if she was.
God, she hated how badly she wanted that.
She wasn't…supposed to like her masters so much. He was just going to leave her in the end. That's how it always went. He'd get what he wanted, and their pact would end, and she'd never get to see him again. And who knew when she'd have contact with another person again, if ever. She would just return to rotting in her book again for days…weeks…years…. When was the next time she would get to talk to someone? To hear another voice?
Even worse, despite that she did have freedom and contact right now, all she got from her master was how much he wanted to be rid of her. Just like always. Why did they always have to forget her? They were always furious when they woke up, no matter how eager they were beforehand. They always hated her, and they hated her until the pact ended….
She sighed weakly as her master laid out his hand. He lost this round miserably.
"You suck at this, Master." There were proper tears in her eyes.
"Would you quit it already??" he snapped back immediately, digging his nails into his palms. He hated her. He hated her just like every master before him did.
"Okay, okay. I'll go back to the book while I'm at it!"
"I can't help but wish you would…."
Too close to her limit, Shinigami sunk down behind his chair, curling up in a ball. It was fine. She knew he was going to hate her, it was her fault she just wasn't used to it yet. She stayed hidden there for the rest of game night, giving him the peace and quiet he wanted, and trapping herself in her mind.
Number One was passionate and inspiring, and Shinigami was enraptured by it. Taken in by just how much he loved and cared for the world. For once, she really did want to help, rather than just going along with it because she had to. He was so kind. He had made her feel wanted.
But, of course, he had to forget all about their deal. About making her smile for the first time in centuries.
She heaved a heavy sigh and peeked around the side of the chair. Her master held the door open and waved as the others left for the night, a big smile on his face. He looked so thrilled to have them around, so excited to see them again. So…so happy.
She was never going to be part of that happiness, was she?