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Martin nervously played with the zip on his hoodie. He had just come home from a van job to find Douglas waiting in his attic.
It wasn’t that unusual to find him there, not unusual enough to make him nervous, they had been together for some time after all. But the way Douglas was standing stiffly in the middle of the room was what made Martin nervous.
“Hi...” Martin said breaking the silence.
“Martin” Douglas said, looking even more nervous than Martin felt. This didn’t make Martin feel any better. He knew Douglas wasn’t as unmoved by things as he made it seem on the outside, but Martin had never seen his facade crumble that much. Not with any negative emotions at least. “There is something you need to know”
“Ok” Martin said slowly moving closer to Douglas “Do you want a cup of tea or sit down?” Martin asked gesturing. Not knowing what to do.
Douglas sat down on the desk chair, but he sat down on the edge, looking ready to bolt any moment. Martin sat down on the bed opposite of him. It made him seem even smaller but maybe that was what was needed in this moment?
“So what did you want to tell me?” Martin asked after the silence went on for too long.
“You need to know the truth. But I can go and get out of your life if you don’t want to keep being my boyfriend after this...”
“Douglas. Stop. I don’t know what you are about to say, but you don’t get to plan anything like that ahead. Whatever you are about to tell me, it’s unlikely that it’ll change how much I like you”
Douglas muttered “We’ll see” under his breath, nearly to quiet for Martin to catch it. He looked down on his hands, who were clenching and unclenching in the legs of his trousers. Douglas murmured “Here goes nothing” before looking up at Martin. He wasn’t really looking at Martin, more like at the wall behind him but it was an improvement to him staring down, Martin thought.
___________
“I’m not always a man.”
“Ok...?” Martin questioned. Why couldn’t Martin just react? Couldn’t he know what it meant? Douglas hated having to explain this.
“Sometimes I’m a man, sometimes I’m a woman, sometimes I’m neither. It’s complicated.”
“Ok. Is there anything more I should know?” Martin asked calmly. Understanding.
“So you don’t hate me for being confusing? Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I could never hate you!” Martin said with conviction “I can’t say I fully understand. Not yet. You’ll have to teach me...” he said nervously “But I wouldn’t break up with you because I don’t understand something!”
“I’ve never had to explain this...” Douglas said, at a loss of what to do now that Martin was this understanding.
“Just try. I have all the time. Or do you want to gather your thoughts while I take a shower? It’ll only take a while.”
“Ah yes maybe some time would be good”
“Ok then I will take that shower” Martin said, before getting up and gathering his things. “I’ll be right back” Martin walked by Douglas on his way out, pressing a short kiss to his lips before he slipped out of the room.
________
About 15 minutes after he had left Martin walked back into his room, Douglas was still sitting on the desk chair but he looked a lot more relaxed now. Finally leaning back.
Martin settled back onto the bed. Waiting for Douglas to speak up again.
Douglas finally looked straight at Martin for the first time that evening.
“So it’s called genderfluid. And I can’t control what gender I am at any given time. I’m good at hiding it.” Martin wanted to interrupt Douglas. Tell him he didn’t have to hide. But he let him continue, not wanting to make Douglas go back to how he was before again. Afraid and ready to bolt. “I thought you should know...” Douglas trailed off so Martin took the opportunity to talk.
“You don’t have to hide with me. Do you have another name? What about pronouns?” Martin tired to remember what little he knew about transgender things.
“No other name. But if you could refer to me with genderneutral terms? Partner and so on?”
“I can do that”
“Also they/them pronouns. But I have only told you so it might not be a big problem.”
“I can keep it to myself” Martin promised.
“Thank you”