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The sound of the ocean.
He and someone else, both hidden in a cave, a quick shelter from the sudden rain.
Their laughter echoing through the cave and silence in their kisses.
The night that separated them forever.
A memory that no longer exists.
Phuwin wakes up with a loud sigh. He looks around the room, everything is still where it was when he fell asleep. He glances at the watch on his wrist – it’s almost 4 am. He takes three deep breaths.
“What the fuck was that?” he whispers to himself, still in disbelief.
A memory, or just a dream? But if it was just a dream, why does his heart hurt so much?
And who was that boy?
Questions swirl in his head, minutes pass as he desperately tries to retrieve memories from before the accident from the depths of his mind. Finally, he gives up the uneven fight and picks up his phone from the nightstand.
Phuwin’s phone is full of what is and what was, full of memories of his old self and new ones he created for his new self. Photos from years ago, none of them telling him anything except that he was here and there.
It didn’t take him long to find those few photos of some random beach – the one he sees in the photos is exactly the same as the one he remembers from his dream. The boy he kissed in the cave during the downpour, however, is not in them. There are more questions than answers, so Phuwin does what he always does in such situations – he calls Dunk.
Two rings later, he hears his older brother’s hoarse voice. “I was on some beach a few weeks before the accident,” Phuwin gets straight to the point without saying hello. Dunk mumbles something incomprehensible in response. “I know what time it is, Phi , I’m not stupid. But I need to know–”
“You talk too much,” Dunk finally replies in a sleepy voice. “Shush, story time,” he silences Phuwin, who is trying to interrupt. “We were on a family trip. You ran away from the hotel with some boy. He looked like the son or employee of the fisherman we saw the day before on the pier, who knows. He was your age, maybe older. You were already an adult, so we decided you could do whatever you wanted for one day on that trip. You came back late in the evening, or maybe already at night. You looked happy,” Dunk finishes his story with a loud yawn. “Will you let me sleep now?” he asks, and when he hears a sigh in response, he hangs up.
A minute later, Phuwin’s phone starts buzzing with an incoming message.
The hotel address.
Is this...
[ Don’t do anything stupid ], another message from Dunk says.
That can only mean one thing. It’s time for a trip – a trip down memory lane to the beach, the cave, and the boy whose kisses are still somewhere deep in him.
It’s a strange feeling to be in the same place for the second time and not have even a shred of memory from that first time. To see the streets, buildings, shops and market, the same ones he has already seen, and yet everything is new, fresh. Phuwin observes everything, absorbing what he has already seen, hoping that what has been lost will return.
But his head is empty, filled with the timid joy of seeing something for the first time.
It doesn’t take him long to reach the fishing pier – the group of people around the fishermen easily point him in the right direction. His heart beats faster, as if it knows what is coming; perhaps it’s a little intimidated, confused, but certainly curious.
And so is Phuwin.
He almost jumps up to a less busy group of young people, probably only a few years younger than him, earning extra money during their school break or helping their parents. He smiles encouragingly at them and picks the first fish he sees, hoping to get them to talk to him. However, the boys just laugh and mutter something among themselves.
“What’s going on?” Phuwin finally asks when the weighed fish is wrapped in newspaper and put into a plastic bag.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” one of them replies almost spitefully, to which the other hits him on the head. “Sir,” the first one adds reluctantly and rolls his eyes.
“And what if I don’t know?”
Phuwin’s question surprises the boys, one of them squinting his eyes while the other tilts his head curiously. Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of an older man, perhaps Phuwin’s father’s age, maybe a little older. Phuwin folds his hands in a wai and bows slightly.
“You’re back?” the man asks bluntly, folding his arms across his chest. “I lost a good employee because of you.”
“Because of me?”
“If Pond hadn’t insisted on going to Bangkok to look for you, he’d probably still be here managing this mess.”
Phuwin stares at the man with his mouth open, blinking, trying to understand what he has just learned.
“Pond?” The boy’s name slips out of Phuwin’s mouth before he can stop himself. The image of the boy in a Hawaiian shirt appears in his head. Phuwin doesn’t even realise he’s starting to smile. “Wait, Bangkok? Where–why? What for?”
“For you. He said that when he finds you, his heart will be full again. Fucking teenagers in love,” the man spits out and shakes his head in irritation.
“Sir, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand,” Phuwin admits after a moment of awkward silence. The boys, resigned, perhaps a little bored, walk away and call out to new customers. The man takes Phuwin aside and repeats everything again, but it all goes in one ear and out the other.
“He. Fell in love. With you. He took pictures of you, ran all over the island looking for you, but by the time he realised you were The One , you were already gone,” he says to Phuwin as if he were a child.
“I don’t remember any of that,” Phuwin whispers with tears in his eyes, then adds quickly, as if knowing that the man will want to scold him. “We had an accident a few weeks after our trip. My whole family... everyone survived, but I lost my memory. Completely.”
The silence between them becomes less awkward, as if a kind of understanding has come over the man, while Phuwin is increasingly devastated. The man finally pats him on the shoulder. “It’ll be okay, kid,” he says with a knowing smile and points to the bikes. “Take one of these clunkers and ride to the beach, who knows, maybe you’ll remember something,” he says, lifting Phuwin off the ground and dusting him off.
“Pond, he... we... I don’t remember anything. I’ve been dreaming about the beach for several nights in a row, but yesterday I saw him. I mean, I think it was him,” Phuwin blurts out, and the man chuckles. “You know, I wish Pond would stop looking for me. I’m safe. Someday... someday I’ll be happy. And so will he, once we’re both grown up and understand everything–”
“You talk too much, kid,” the man interrupts him, saying the same words as his brother, and ruffles his hair, even though he is shorter than Phuwin and it is uncomfortable for him. “You’re over twenty now, aren’t you? He’s been looking for you for almost two years, he won’t forget so easily, he’s not that type. You can’t just forget your first love, not of your own free will. I’d had enough of him at home, that’s why he went to Bangkok.”
“I-I’m sorry, if I had known, if I had remembered–”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” he stops Phuwin again and pushes him towards the bicycle stall. “You didn’t leave him any trace of yourself. You appeared in his life one day, spent the whole next day with him, and the day after that you were gone. It was as if you were a ghost and not a real person. If it weren’t for the photos, I wouldn’t even believe you really existed.”
Phuwin wants to apologise again, but the man just shakes his head and chooses a bike for him, then explains the way to the beach as simply as possible.
“It’ll be fine, kid,” he repeats, taking the bag with the fish from him and putting the exact amount back into his bag. “Next time, don’t let those idiots rip you off,” he laughs and waves goodbye to Phuwin as he rides away.
Phuwin isn’t sure if any of this makes sense, but for some reason, the words of the man – Pond’s father? – resonate with him in the right way.
The beach looks just like in his dreams – a long stretch of sand, cliffs covered with trees and the endless ocean. Phuwin stops after entering the beach and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down, but also to get into the atmosphere of two years ago.
To his surprise, the beach is completely empty, as if forgotten by everyone. Phuwin shrugs and runs to the water, throwing his bag aside and taking off his shirt on the way. His laughter, as the pleasantly cool water touches his calves, echoes across the beach.
The first memory hits him like a sledgehammer and takes all the air out of his lungs. The boy in the Hawaiian shirt – Pond – throws him into the water with a laugh, Phuwin almost chokes, but Pond pulls him out before he hits his head on the bottom. They both laugh, Pond pulls him close, and Phuwin throws his arms around his shoulders and runs his fingers through Pond’s long hair. Their foreheads touch, and feelings – feelings that Phuwin had no idea about before – come to him, flooding his whole body and consuming him completely.
Phuwin comes back to himself, still standing in the same place.
It was real , he thinks and grins. “It was real,” he whispers, as if adding more authenticity to the memory from years ago.
He sits on the shore, his feet still submerged in the water, and watches the waves, still smiling like that teenager that he was two years ago. Since the accident, he has been unable to remember any important information; his family has had to remind him of everything. They looked for solutions and helped as best they could, but none of his memories – the important and meaningful ones – returned. And yet, the image of the boy in the Hawaiian shirt, seemingly so fleeting, popped straight into his head the moment he dipped his feet in the ocean.
His gaze wanders from the waves to the cliff, searching for a cave that resembles the one from years ago. Reluctantly, he gets up and sets off along the cliff until he comes across a place that is identical to the one in his dream. He comes closer and notices two connected letters P carved into the rock. His smile, which had begun to fade and turn into a resigned expression, returns.
“Pond,” he whispers, touching the carving, and excitedly enters inside.
The cave is smaller than he remembers from his dream, but then again, he wasn't particularly focused on its appearance in that dream. Someone has covered all the rocks inside with sand from the beach, making it comfortable to sit on the ground. Phuwin lies down and closes his eyes.
Another memory comes to him as soon as his eyelids shut. They are lying together with Pond, holding hands and looking at the cave ceiling. Pond points at something, then draws a heart in the air, which makes Phuwin burst out laughing. They turn to face each other, Pond places his hand on Phuwin’s cheek, caresses his skin with his thumb, then brings his face closer and leaves a gentle kiss on Phuwin’s lips. Phuwin blushes and mumbles something, to which Pond kisses him again, this time more confidently, and within two minutes, Phuwin is on top of him, straddling Pond’s hips, kissing him as if there were no tomorrow.
The memory ends as quickly as it begins. Phuwin sits up and touches his lips. Did they do anything more? Did I lose my virginity?
He shakes his head. What does it matter? He was happy that day, with Pond.
He lies there and stares at the same ceiling, then raises his hand and draws a heart in the air, just like Pond did in his memory, and then he starts giggling. Somewhere inside him, there is still that eighteen-year-old who just had his first kiss.
When he leaves the cave, he sees another inscription carved into the wall: ‘ miss u ’ and Phuwin wonders if the words are meant for him or someone else. He involuntarily touches the words and whispers, “I miss you too, Pond.”
Somewhere inside, he wonders how close this is to the truth, then comes to the conclusion that since that trip and accident, Phuwin hasn’t dated anyone, hasn’t looked for love, hasn’t thought about starting a family, and the moment he remembered the beach, his thoughts turned in that direction.
He smiles shyly.
Something is changing in him – or rather, something is returning to him. Or someone .
Phuwin lies on the sand next to his belongings, the fresh ocean breeze surrounding him, calming him. With his eyes closed, he senses that someone is watching him – the newcomer does not approach him but observes him from a distance. Somewhere deep inside, he hopes that it is Pond, even though his mind screams that it is impossible.
Finally, he opens his eyes, reluctantly, fearfully, and raises himself up on his elbows. At the entrance to the beach stands a man, his age or slightly older, long hair framing his face, a tight tank top clinging to his body. Phuwin sighs heavily, his eyes filling with tears.
“Pond,” he says, a little louder than a whisper, but it's enough for the man to start running towards him. Phuwin, not knowing when, gets up and lands in his arms.
“Gods, I missed you so much,” Phuwin hears Pond’s voice, low, soft, with a hint of crying. “Two years–”
“I’m so sorry,” Phuwin interrupts him, sobbing. “It’s all my fault.”
“It’s okay, Phuwin, I promise,” Pond says and hugs him tighter. “We’ll figure it out.”
They lie next to each other, Phuwin’s head on Pond’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, while Pond’s arm wraps around Phuwin’s waist. A perfect picture, two people madly in love with each other. Phuwin’s thoughts are still in disarray, even after Pond told him exactly what happened two years ago on the same beach.
How they kissed from dawn until the last rays of sunlight, how they swam side by side in the ocean, and how they lay on a blanket in the middle of an empty beach. How they were caught in the rain, how they ran to a cave, laughing loudly. How they touched each other’s faces, how their hands never left each other’s bodies. How they hugged and how they reluctantly parted their hands in front of the hotel where Phuwin was staying.
“I was too young,” Phuwin whispers, tracing circles around Pond’s navel with his finger. “You became everything to me for that one day, and like an idiot, I gave you nothing in return.”
“You gave me yourself,” Pond replies, lifting Phuwin’s face with his free hand. “Even when you forgot everything, you kept coming back to this beach in your dreams.”
Phuwin nods and takes Pond’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers, and leans over him, straddling him. Pond moves his hand from Phuwin’s side to his back and smiles encouragingly, invitingly. Phuwin nods again, then leans down and joins their lips.
They stand at the entrance to the beach, looking out at the ocean, smiling at each other. Phuwin’s bag slung over Pond’s shoulder, their fingers intertwined.
“Another anniversary,” Pond says, and Phuwin squeezes his hand a little tighter. “Four years since I found you on this beach, and six since I brought you here for the first time,” he adds, and Phuwin glances at him and sees a tear running down his cheek.
“Those memories... that ocean, that cave, that rain, all of it brought us together,” Phuwin replies, wiping Pond’s face. “Two years of waiting, two years without us ...” Phuwin says, shaking his head. “But we have each other now.”
“And forever.”
Phuwin agrees with a smile.
Forever .