Chapter Text
Gihun can hear his heart thumping rapidly against his chest, his palms sweating so much he worries the baby might have fallen out of his hands if not for his calloused fingertips. He knows it's either him or the baby, but still, he can’t drop her, can't drop Junhee’s legacy. Gently kissing her forehead and wrapping her up in a tight hug, Gihun prepares to let go. Was this how Sangwoo felt, lying in the dirt, waiting to sacrifice himself, another person, another friend, dead for Gihun’s selfishness, how everything comes back around in a full circle?
“You are human.”
Gently, the baby is placed on the floor. A kiss to the forehead and one final goodbye. For Gihun will not let anything happen to her, this baby isn’t a source of entertainment, and she deserves life. Rising to his feet, Gihun makes his way to the ledge, staring directly at the one-way glass.
“We are not horses.” Were his knees always this shaky? “We are humans, humans are.” And for the last time ever, Gihun hears his heart thumping, he feels his legs shaking, and can smell sweat beading at his forehead. Gihun leans backwards; more accurately, he falls. Down, down, down, like Junhee, like Sangwoo, like Jung-bae. Like all his friends who died for nothing. Gihun prepares to die.
Finally, as Gihun hits the floor, he feels it all, the scorching pain, total silence, and then the release.
—
Gihun always thought death would be empty. He never had a set faith; he just thought it was an empty void, and yet Gihun can feel himself waking up. He remembers his ‘last moments’ and yet he feels nothing, his back doesn’t hurt, his head feels fine, it’s like everything has faded away. Opening his eyes, Gihun looks around, coming face to face with 149, Ms Geuma-ja. What. She’s speaking, but Gihun hears none of it; he is back in the dormitories surrounded by a billion ghosts. He reaches for the closest person.
“You are dead. I am dead, fucking leave me alone.”
Before anyone can react, his hands close up around her throat. He’s straddling her waist, like Daeho all over again, choking the life from her eyes. Hands grip around his shoulders; people are yelling, but Gihun doesn’t budge. She dies, and he is quick to follow. A bang rings out, straight through 120’s right shoulder. It glides in and out, keeping its deadly momentum. Gihun feels the pain in his left side; the bullet lodges itself into his heart. You can’t die twice. Right?
—
Gihun died a pathetic death twice, so how come his heart doesn’t ache, and his eyes move behind his eyelids? Jerking awake, he looks into 149’s eyes. Knowing he had murdered her in rage only a few minutes prior. He pushes her away, tuning out questions and accusations alike. Gihun stands up and grabs Yong-sik by the shoulders, a puny man won’t lie.
“Am I dead?”
007 wheezes a little and swallows loudly. “N-no, Mr Seong. You’re alive, the rebellion failed, sir.” For Gihun, time freezes, everyone is frozen, conversations end, and 94 sets of eyes all turn to look at him. Then it hits Gihun. He is screaming, loud, as if he had just been murdered. Ironic.
“IM DEAD, YOUR DEAD, we all fucking die. No one here will make it.” His body feels airy, and against his will, Gihun walks to the middle of the room. Pointing to Myung-gi, the shaman, and Junhee. “I fucking kill you, little punk. And you, 44, murdered in game 4. Finally, you, Junhee, suicide, game 5. You are all fucking dead, dead, dead. STOP LYING.”
The guards move in. Gihun is forced back to the beds, where he is handcuffed to the metal posts. Forced to reflect on what's happening. After Daeho’s death, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He now understands everything. He couldn’t shake how familiar this ordeal felt. Waking up, being coddled by a bunch of dead players, almost like the whole second half of the games didn’t exist.
The afterlife was meant to be calm, and yet Gihun is being tormented left and right. Forced to relive the worst moments of his life. From desperately wanting to become a hero to killing to survive, he is no better than these men. Gihun won’t let these memories keep him trapped.
As the night fades away and morning comes, Gihun knows what needs to be done. He goes last in game four, picking up his blade. After killing Daeho, Gihun’s rage fizzled out. And now he knows that the rebellion's outcome was majority his fault, even with the magazines, Young-il would have still killed Jung-bae and the others. Daeho was simply a kid who didn’t know any better. The first death ruined Gihun; one could only imagine what it did to Daeho.
Knowing that Gihun won’t be able to kill anyone in game four, he comes to terms with what he needs to do. Waiting patiently until the game begins, Gihun runs around the maze looking for a certain player, number 388. He makes eye contact with him. Smiling before he continues to walk towards Daeho, ready to redeem himself.
Gihun stops just before Daeho, who is shivering uncontrollably. Both men are backed into a corner, and it takes only a second for Gihun to notice his mistake. Daeho still thinks he is out to kill him.
“Daeho, I’ve done a lot of messed up things in my whole life, and still my biggest mistake was killing –uhh–wanting to kill you. I’m going to get you to take my weapon in a minute. I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry, son.”
With that, Gihun brings the knife to his throat. He silently celebrates being able to end the loop, as he chose to stop and save Daeho, completing his unfinished business. The knife glides along his neck, a warm comforting feeling, as the blood slides down. Again, all Gihun can think about is how he saved at least one last person. Gihun successfully kills himself in less than 20 seconds.
—
Gihun wakes up in less time than that. This time, he keeps his eyes closed, breath even, and mind working overdrive. Alive, no pain from any of his previous deaths, but a full shelf of memories. Gihun is in a time loop. He wants to slap himself in the forehead, but instead, he chooses to fully wake up.
“Mr Seong! You’re awake, thank God. We were all so worried.” 149 does her usual coddling, and this time, Gihun reacts to it. He doesn’t ignore the lovely lady, and he certainly doesn’t start screaming and shouting. His eyes crinkle as he smiles, especially when Gihun stands and wraps his hands around hers, squeezing tightly.
“Ms Geum-ja, I appreciate your care truly, but I must find Mr Daeho.” Gihun vaguely gestures in Daeho’s direction, smiling brightly. The man perks up at the sound of his name and curls into himself. Just as Gihun goes to leave, a firm yet shaky hand holds onto his shoulder.
“Give him fucking hell, sir. He killed them all.” Yong-sik, the worm stuck in a man’s body, grinding his teeth, looking at Daeho with such rage, Gihun worried he might develop a permanent scowl.
“Excuse me?”
“You fucking heard me sir. Daeho didn’t bring the magazine; he stayed here and hid. Whilst you guys were all kicking ass Daeho crumpled.” A few other men cheered some shouting out how Gihun should fuck him up. The only people who didn’t were the women. Jun-hee sniffles slightly, obviously impacted by the social switch-up on a man who wants to protect her.
Gihun doesn't know how to react. This man is in no place to talk about sacrifice when he didn’t even bother to come help. Was this really how they all treated Daeho? Placing all the blame on him. The men shaming this kid were all grown, but still refused to come help. So ready to shift the blame on anyone but themselves, Gihun can feel himself drowning in Deja vu.
Blinking a few times, Gihun shrugs off 007’s hands and shushes the men. He turns and walks over to Daeho. Sitting down gently on the man’s bed, watching him. Daeho, a man who was once energetic and honestly a bit annoying, was sitting silently. His breathing is shaky and heavy, and he has a slight shake in his shoulders.
“-m sorry, sir.” The silence was explained, and Daeho sat crying. Hearing how others viewed him, Gihun couldn’t help but feel guilty. He had snuffed out this man’s life, not knowing how badly everything had ruined him. Especially now that Gihun has come to terms with his part in the death of all those men.
“It is not your fault, Daeho.” Gihun places a hand on his knee, pushing past his hair to see a sliver of his tear-stained face. “You’re just a kid. One who was afraid, and that’s ok. You don’t need to blame yourself.”
Slowly, Daeho lifts his head, looking at Gihun as he cries. Gihun goes to wipe his tears when Daeho knocks them away.
“Don’t lie to me, sir. I should have returned with those magazines. If I weren’t so weak, I could have done more-“
“I know you didn’t serve in the Marines.”
Silence.
“I- sir, how? I haven’t- I didn’t. I’m to blame. You can hate me if you want. I get it. I fucked up, I shouldn’t have volunteered to get the magazines.” Daeho continues to cry, stuttering out nonsensical babbles, and he apologises over and over again. Gihun can see how Daeho looks to be regressing, acting like a scared child.
“Daeho, this is not your fault. Those men placing the blame on you weren’t even a part of the rebellion. You tried your best, and if anything, I’m the reason the rebellion failed. Now, please stop crying, there’s still another game, and I believe you can redeem yourself.”
Gihun wraps his arms around Daeho, pulling him into a firm hug, his hand rubbing soothing circles into his back. Gihun knows how to stop the loop for good. Gihun must live, and not let his fight fizzle out; and this time, there’s no death, another loop doesn’t start. There’s just him and Daeho, both alive and ready to fight.