Chapter Text
Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred,
then another thousand, then a second hundred,
then yet another thousand, then a hundred...
Catullus – Carme V
***
Saint was skipping along the pavement, his arms flailing on both sides, as Shin trailed behind him. After a rather energetic swing, Saint threw his school bag on the ground before him and then stood as still as a statue to stare at it.
Shin groaned and hurried to fetch it for him.
“What’s got into you?” he asked, pushing the bag against Saint’s chest rather forcefully. “Why are you so hyped up?”
Saint smirked. “We’re going to a party tomorrow.”
Shin frowned. “Who’s we?”
Saint started walking ahead of his friend once again. “Me and you, of course.”
Shin caught up to him in one single stride. “Since when do we go to parties?”
“Since now.” Saint nudged him. “Come on, Shin, don’t be a party pooper.”
Shin was having a hard time wrapping his head around it. “But…why?”
His friend rolled his eyes, his face contorted with annoyance. “Don’t you want to live a little? Get drunk? Meet a girl, maybe?”
Shin flinched, both at the jab against his supposed apathy and at Saint’s idea of what living meant.
Lately, he had been noticing a shift in Saint’s behaviour. He wasn’t exactly drifting away from Shin, but he had started getting ideas about what being a grown-up meant, and these ideas didn’t always align with Shin’s. Shin wondered where it would take them, this difference between them. Saint had started to get involved in more and more fights, just for the sake of it. And he had been hanging out with older boys, and not the best ones. Shin had indulged him, every single time. And he was sure he would always follow his lead, swallowing the lump in his throat, with a sinking feeling that Saint would never ask him if he wanted to, but he would just assume that Shin will always tag along to be his personal shadow, always ready either to join his fights or to sweep in and bring him back to his senses.
“Whose party is it?”
“Of a friend of a friend.”
Shin raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have any friends.”
Saint’s eyes widened and he kicked Shin, a solid foot on his ass.
Shin smacked him in the back of his head, and like that, they were even.
“I have football practice tomorrow.”
“In the evening?” Saint squinted.
Shin’s lips thinned, the cogs in his brain working overtime to find a better excuse.
Saint looped his arm around his friend’s. “I’ll pick you up after practice and we can go together. It doesn’t matter if we’re a little late. Pretty please?”
Shin had always been powerless in the face of Saint’s puppy eyes. He didn’t want to go to this stupid party, but the idea of leaving Saint alone, of not being able to check on him, gnawed at his insides. “Do they know you’re going?”
“Who’s they?”
“The people who are throwing this party.”
Saint scrunched his eyebrows. “My friend knows. He will let us in.”
“How old are they?”
Saint groaned. “They’re in college. Do you have any other questions?”
Shin sighed, his eyes downcast. Saint’s mocking tone was bothering him, making him feel like a grumpy baby.
Out of the blue, Saint ruffled his hair. “I’m not going without you, Shin. But, come on, it’ll be fun.”
Shin felt like he had just been emotionally blackmailed into going. “Okay, I’ll come to keep an eye on you.”
Saint’s smile was small and charming, causing Shin’s heart to go into overdrive for a second. “My guardian angel.”
Shin furrowed his brows. “Don’t take it for granted.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” Saint’s arm moved to his shoulder. “You always protect me.”
“I think you’re overestimating me, dude.”
Saint chuckled, his eyes two half-moons. “But you’re always there to take care of me.”
“Are you taking me with you because you need someone to save you from yourself?”
Saint pinched Shin’s shoulder. “Don’t be overdramatic, Shin. But…yes, I…need you there.”
Shin kicked a pebble on the pavement before turning to Saint. “Fine, let’s go. But I’m not carrying your drunk ass home.”
***
They agreed that if someone had to carry the other’s ass home this would be done on foot. So, Saint had left his bike at home and they were now walking toward the party. Shin was already dreading the moment they would be accused of crashing the party and sent away, tails between their legs. Saint didn’t seem bothered at all by this thought, on the contrary, he was displaying a confidence that seemed genuine.
The music could be heard from the driveway, its bass reverberating inside Shin’s bones with an ominous rhythm.
Shin didn’t consider himself socially inept. Nor did he think he was unable to make new friends or enjoy new things. But truth to be told, he always felt content with having a small circle of friends…so small it only comprised himself and Saint. Saint had been under the impression that the people he called his ‘gang’ were his friends, but none of them had ever lifted a finger to defend him, it had always been the other way around. They didn’t care about him the way Shin did. They didn’t get him like he did. And now, who were these college people Saint had come in contact with who invited him to this party?
Before jealousy could seep in, Shin shook his head and followed Saint inside the house. The music was loud, the light low. Shin couldn’t make out much in the fog-filled living room. Anxiety started taking root inside him. He grabbed Saint’s elbow so as not to lose him in the crowd.
“I’m here,” answered Saint, putting his hand on top of Shin’s.
“Should we look for your friend and tell him we’re here?”
“I have no idea where he is, let’s look for something to drink in the meantime.”
Shin was growing worried about Saint’s new fixation: trying alcohol for the first time. And then what else? What would come next? Maybe Saint saw drinking alcohol as a way to feel accepted into the circle of his older friends – more like acquaintances, to be honest. Were they here tonight? Shin had only seen glimpses of them, a few times when Saint had come to pick him up after practice. His suspicion was that they were part of a bigger gang, one Saint wanted to ‘audition’ for. Shin was scared that it would come a time when he would have to…warn him or, worse, ask him to pick a side, the thought of seeing Saint wasting away his life too unbearable. Would Saint choose him or…?
Shin came back to the present moment. Anyway, a little alcohol never killed nobody and, besides, he was curious to try it as well.
Saint steered them to the drinks table and grabbed two beers from a bucket filled with ice. He offered one to Shin and then clinked the bottles together.
Shin had tried beer before, just a few sips. He hadn’t liked the taste back then and he didn’t like it now. He watched Saint gulping his beer down, and decided to copy him, faking a confidence that, unlike Saint, he didn’t have.
They took a tour of the house, bumping into people who didn’t mind them at all, too taken by their drinks or their chats or their dancing moves. Saint opened another beer while Shin was still nursing his first one.
So far, the party hadn’t been anything to call home for.
“I’m going to use the toilet,” Saint announced, elbowing Shin in the ribs. He looked disappointed, like he was expecting something different from the evening. He pushed his finished beer into Shin’s hands and left.
Shin found himself alone in the chaos. He dropped the empty bottle on a table and tucked himself into a corner of the room, watching people having – supposedly – fun.
Maybe, if they knew someone else, it wouldn’t be this boring; maybe, if he liked the music or the atmosphere or…anyone apart from Saint, it would be better.
A pretty girl approached him as he was wallowing in his misery. Shin could see she was slightly older than him, and this wouldn’t make their interaction any easier. She smiled at him, tucking her hair behind her ear. Shin felt like an imposter.
“Are you here alone?” she asked.
Shin went to take a sip of his beer, finding out he had discarded his half-full bottle and kept Saint’s empty one instead.
Great.
The girl giggled for no apparent reason, and Shin remembered he hadn’t answered yet. “No, I’m with a friend.”
The girl looked around as if she were looking for said friend. “What’s your major?”
Shin choked. He glanced at her and then down at himself, wondering if he looked older than his fifteen years. He could hardly believe he could pass for a college student.
Someone crashed into him from behind and put an arm around his shoulder.
“Is he bothering you?” Saint asked the girl, tone flirty and dimples in full display. Shin stared at him to try and determine if he looked older as well. But to him, he just looked like a kid pretending to be a man. And he was flirting with a what..? Seventeen, eighteen-year-old girl?
“He bothers me all the time,” continued Saint, casting a glance at Shin and winking.
The girl nodded before leaving.
Saint blinked, looking at the spot she had just left. “Did I scare her?” He turned to Shin. “Were you hitting on her?”
Shin frowned and punched him in the stomach. “What are you talking about, she could be my mum.”
Saint snorted and doubled down laughing. “She looked barely older than us. Were you into her?”
Shin rolled his eyes, walking past Saint and muttering a fuck off under his breath. Saint trailed after him and caught him by his sleeve. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Do you still want to stay?”
“Do you want to leave already?”
Shin brushed his hair to the side, finding it damp from humidity. “No, let’s stay.” And once again, he caved in.
Saint smiled and dragged him to the drinks table for the second time. The assortment of alcoholic drinks was not as vast as they expected. There were mostly beers, and some spirits they didn’t care to investigate. Saint grabbed his third beer, handing Shin his second.
No one had paid attention to them apart from the college girl so far.
“Should we try upstairs?” suggested Saint.
“Try for what?”
“Maybe it’s quieter.”
Shin coughed. “You dragged me to a party and now you want quiet?”
Saint shrugged and took hold of his wrist. In the light that illuminated the stairs, Shin could see Saint’s flushed face and noticed he was swaying a little. They passed several rooms, peeking inside the ones that were open. Shin wondered what could go on behind the closed ones.
They heard excited shouts coming out of one of the rooms. Saint looked at him sideways, a small smirk on his lips. Shin got dragged inside before he had time to say anything.
A group of ten people was sitting in a circle on a carpet in the middle of the room, passing over a joint and drinking from bottles of spirits.
A boy stood up and waved at Saint. “Hey, bro! You made it!”
Shin watched him as his friend approached the other boy and hugged him. Acid burned inside his mouth. He suddenly felt out of place.
Saint came back to introduce the new guy to him. “This is my best friend Shin.”
Shin softened a little at this introduction. He bowed.
“Oh, the infamous Shin,” commented the other boy.
Shin noticed that Saint was blushing a little. He then giggled, suddenly showing his age in full.
“I’m Golf.” Saint’s friend offered him his joint. Shin declined, so Golf presented the joint to Saint. Shin intercepted his eyes. Saint stared at him and then at the joint, before finally shaking his head.
Shin could release his breath. This boy didn’t look like a bad one, and neither did the other people in the room. But what business did he have in trying to get a minor into smoking and drinking? Something didn’t feel right. Or maybe Shin was just being paranoid. He had been worrying lately about Saint and the things he seemed to be attracted to. He hadn’t shown much interest lately in what they used to like together: videogames, football – even if Saint was shit – or even just hanging around the neighbourhood doing nothing. His school grades had dropped too.
Saint touched his hip, either for reassurance or…to warn him?
Golf caught their attention. “We’re about to play a game of Spin the Bottle, are you joining?”
Saint nodded and sat down on the carpet without even consulting Shin. Shin sighed and sat next to him.
“Are we really doing this?” he asked his friend.
Saint downed the last drops of beer. “Yes, why not?” A slow smirk appeared on his lips. “Are you scared, Shin?”
His eyes looked glazed and his words were slurred.
“Scared of what?” whispered Shin.
Saint bumped his knuckles against Shin’s knees. “Kissing someone?”
Shin studied his friend’s face. “Aren’t you?”
Saint threw him a lazy, almost cheeky, smile. “Nah.”
Shin’s heart stuttered for a moment. But before he could say anything, Golf presented them with two glasses filled to the brim with an unknown concoction. Saint accepted his gladly, Shin grabbed the glass but put it on the floor. He was more preoccupied with keeping an eye on Saint. And on the whole situation, not knowing how it would unfold.
It turned out, Spin the Bottle was an adrenaline-filled game, especially if you didn’t want the bottle to stop on you.
Shin had to give in and drink a little to survive the anxiety of being the chosen one. Next to him, Saint was laughing and clapping and…drinking. So far, fate had spared both of them.
But the moment Shin saw the joint between Saint’s lips his heart stopped. He stopped caring about the game and could only watch Saint with eyes full of betrayal.
“I think I’m going home,” he declared, voice wobbly, as he tried to stand up.
Saint’s hand was fast and precise. He circled his wrist and looked up at him. “Shin.”
His eyes were bloodshot, almost unrecognisable. Shin felt the gap between them getting bigger and bigger.
“Stay,” begged him Saint. “Can’t you stay for me? We…we’ll leave soon, I promise.”
Shin blinked twice and took a deep breath in. How could he leave him? Here, with people he barely knew? Alone and intoxicated?
Saint smiled as Shin sat back. The bottle chose this moment to stop in front of Saint.
Shin’s stomach started churning.
Golf clapped him on the shoulder. “You’re lucky, man!”
Shin growled internally. Man? Saint was not even sixteen.
The moment Saint realised he had to kiss the girl Shin was talking with earlier, his eyes widened.
“Look at him, it’s his first kiss for sure!” joked someone.
Shin felt a puncture in his chest.
“Awww, he is such a baby boy,” said another one.
The girl started walking on his knees towards him, a flicker of doubt in her eyes. It had probably just dawned on her that Saint was definitely not a college boy.
Saint straightened up, affecting confidence once again. He gestured at her with his chin, an invitation.
Shin tasted bile in his mouth. When the girl stopped in front of his friend, he made a spur-of-the-moment decision: he grabbed Saint’s shirt. “Let’s go home.”
Protests started erupting in the circle.
“Shin!” shouted Saint, holding Shin’s wrist. “Let me go.”
The girl looked at them both, seeming almost relieved by this turn of events.
Shin dragged Saint to his feet. “We’re leaving, you’re drunk.”
“What the fuck, you’re not my mum!”
The group started snickering.
Shin saw red. “Can’t you see that they’re making fun of you?”
Saint’s face contorted in rage. “Why do you have to ruin everything?”
Shin tugged on his shirt. “Come on, you idiot.”
They left the house in haste. Saint cursing and kicking, Shin feeling ashamed of himself. Was that an instance where Saint needed to be saved or did he cross the line?
Once they found themselves outside, Shin finally let go of Saint’s shirt. He started walking ahead, hoping that Saint would follow.
“Shin, you asshole! I hate you!”
Shin turned to face his friend, his hands closing into fists. “What did you just say?”
“Why did you have to do that?” shouted Saint, stomping his feet on the ground, his voice hoarse.
Shin pointed a finger at him. “You should see yourself. You look like your dad.”
Shin shouldn’t have said that, but he realised it when the venomous words had already left his mouth.
Saint charged at him, pushing him. Shin managed to catch himself just in time, otherwise he would have fallen to the ground. “How dare you?”
“You’re drunk and behaving like an idiot,” replied Shin, this time almost a whisper.
“Maybe I’m an idiot!” shot back Saint. “Couldn’t you let this idiot have some fun? Or his first kiss?”
Shin flinched, the memory of what was about to happen in that room still fresh in his mind. “Did you really want to waste your first kiss on a random girl?”
Saint moved forward to push him again, but Shin this time was faster to move aside and avoid him. “Hypocrite, you were flirting with her! Did you want to kiss her?”
“Are you stupid? I couldn’t care less!”
Saint groaned. “I just wanted to have my first kiss.”
Something pointy and sharp hit Shin’s chest. “Why? To tick it off your list? To blend in with your older friends?”
Saint’s brows furrowed. “No, I just wanted to have my first kiss,” he repeated, tone whiny.
Shin failed to comprehend what was going on inside his friend’s mind. “Since when do you care so much?”
“Not everyone is like you,” spat Saint, his face almost ugly for the cruelty he had just spewed.
This time, it was Shin’s turn to advance on him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Was Saint resenting him because he didn’t have ‘first kiss’ on top of his list of things to do? Or because he actually cared about his first kiss, not wanting to waste it just on anyone, drunk, at a party?
Saint stayed silent, eyes like saucers fixed on Shin.
“Saint, you’re drunk and you were surely going to regret kissing a stranger as your first time,” Shin tried to explain, in a tone that would hopefully convey the common sense of his argument.
Saint, however, grew agitated. “Who should I save my precious kiss for, then?”
Shin blinked. “Are you for real? You’re just willing to kiss anyone?”
Saint looked very red in the face, his skin a stark contrast to his white shirt. “Yes, what’s wrong with that?”
It was probably because his brain had short-circuited after a few drinks and for having inhaled passive smoking; or maybe it was Saint’s infuriating stubbornness that triggered him, but Shin thought fuck it and lunged forward to kiss Saint.
It was brief and harmless. But Shin didn’t have the guts to check on Saint before storming off, leaving his friend drunk and alone on the scarcely illuminated road.
So much for always taking care of him. But at least Shin had taken care of Saint’s most recent itch, so he could finally shut up about it.
***
With morning came clarity. Shin woke up groggy and anxious, an uneasiness sitting on his chest. He had been too harsh on Saint. Maybe, he didn’t deserve to be dragged out of the party. Maybe, he deserved to have his first kiss.
Wait.
He had kissed Saint.
Well, fuck.
When he tried to call Saint, he got no reply. He messaged him then, but his messages sat unread for hours. When Saint finally did read them, he never answered.
Shin debated whether to march towards Saint’s house or to stay put. He decided to stay at home, in the end. But he spent the weekend looking at the messages he sent Saint and pacing his room.
Had he ruined everything? Was the patronising way he bossed Saint around or the kiss that pushed him away at last?
On Monday, Saint didn’t show up at school. Shin was worried that he had caused Saint to finally drop out.
Instead of letting his paranoia get the best of him, after the first period, Shin decided to go and visit Saint, school be damned. But, as he was going out of the school gates, he found Saint on his bike, surrounded by his ‘gang’ members.
“Yes, he kissed me.”
Shin’s stomach dropped.
“On the mouth?”
“On the mouth! Can you believe Shin was my first kiss?”
“You mean, he stole your first kiss.”
Saint pretended to be thinking about it. “Well, yes. I was drunk and unaware and I just wanted my first kiss. He took advantage of it!”
One of his minions patted him on the back. “More like he did you a favour.”
“Who wants to waste his first kiss on a best friend?” asked someone else.
Saint finally noticed Shin, standing petrified at the school gate.
“Shin!” he shouted as Shin took off.
Fuck you, you piece of shit. Was actually the kiss the thing that finally pushed them over the edge? Did that stupid kiss widen their distance so much so that it was impossible now to find each other again?
Or…was it something else? Like Saint wanting to do things Shin didn’t agree with or didn’t like? Or Shin’s overbearing attitude, treating Saint like a child and trying to stop him against his will?
Shin started to jog as fast as he could as Saint ran after him.
“Shin, for fuck’s sake, stop!”
Shin kept running away from him. He had never imagined that Saint would talk about him like this with his other…friends.
“Shin, my spleen is exploding, please!”
“Fuck you!” Shin shouted, taking full advantage of years of running up and down a football pitch.
“Shin, I’m hungover, have mercy on me!”
Shin turned on his heels. “You deserve it, asshole!”
Saint started cackling like a maniac, holding his side and grimacing in between bouts of laughter.
Shin stopped short, suddenly eager to have a few words with his – supposed – best friend.
Saint almost crashed into him.
“You’re a piece of shit, you know that?” started Shin, jabbing his finger on Saint’s chest.
Saint bent over, hands on his knees, sweat dripping down his nose. “I’m going to throw up.”
Shin drew back. “Not on my shoes.”
Saint straightened up, looking pained.
“How can you be still hungover?” asked Shin, suspicion etched in his face. Had Saint drunk again over the weekend? With his ‘friends’?
Saint grimaced. “I don’t know, maybe I’m allergic to alcohol.”
Shin punched him on the shoulder. “You’re just dumb.”
“Ouch, that was uncalled for!”
Shin widened his eyes. “Uncalled for? Fuck off, I’m leaving for real, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
Saint stopped him by his arm. “If you stop talking to me, who are you going to talk to? You don’t have any friends.”
Shin grabbed the collar of his shirt, drawing him close. “You’re really something, aren’t you?”
Saint put a hand on his hand to pacify him. “I don’t have anyone to talk to either, apart from you. Please, don’t leave me.”
Shin started to shake him with barely restrained rage. “I’ve just heard you talking to your fucking…minions about me!”
“Exactly, they’re not friends. You are. My one and only. They are nothing to me.”
“So why would you talk shit about me with them?”
Saint closed his eyes. “Can you stop shaking me? I’m getting dizzy.”
Shin dropped the fabric of his shirt and backed off. “You have five seconds to explain yourself.”
“Five seconds. That’s noth-”
“Okay, time’s up!”
“Are you insane?”
Shin crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Okay, thirty seconds.”
The sting from the conversation he had overheard still hurt. Saint had tried to assuage him by claiming the people he hung out with meant nothing, but Shin was still tempted to resist his words. Why would Saint confide in them if they were nobodies?
“Shin, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said to them. I-”
“Why would you even mention the kiss?”
Saint frowned. “Do my thirty seconds start over every time you interrupt?”
Shin kicked him.
“What the fuck?”
Shin started walking away.
“Seriously?” Saint followed him to a bench. “Oh.”
Shin let him sit, hovering over him like a policeman interrogating a suspect. “What were you saying…?”
Saint looked up at him as he massaged his leg. “Okay, I was just boasting to them.”
“It didn’t sound like boasting to me. You told them I took advantage of you.”
Saint shrugged. “You kind of did.”
Shin felt the knife twisting inside his heart. He turned to walk away, stunned and hurt.
“Wait!” Saint took hold of his wrist. “I didn’t mean that.”
“You never mean anything you say, do you?”
Saint dragged him down on the bench. Shin felt somehow too weak to put up a fight. “You didn’t take advantage of me, I meant to say you took me by surprise.”
He did not say this to them, but anyway…
Shin blinked. “Why did you have to tell them?”
“I…I don’t know. You are the one I tell everything to, but I couldn’t tell you this, because, you know, it was about you.”
Despite himself, Shin started chuckling.
Saint exhaled. “Are you mad at me, for real?”
Shin was not mad, just sad. And scared. But how could he talk to his best friend about the paralysing fear of losing him that had grasped him in the last few months without sounding insane? “You avoided me the whole weekend.”
“I was sick!”
“For two days straight?”
Saint massaged his eyes. “Yes, and I still feel like shit right now. I’m never drinking again.”
Shin slapped him on the thigh. “What about smoking?”
Saint frowned.
“Have you forgotten about that?”
Saint cleared his throat. “I didn’t consider that. Maybe, that made everything worse.”
“Or maybe you’re just a whiny little baby.”
Saint slapped him on the head. And like that, they were even.
Shin was starting to feel lighter. It was easy to pretend everything was fine when it was only Saint and him, joking, messing around.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your messages, but they made me want to vomit.”
Shin flinched. “Oh, wow,” he deadpanned. Had he mentioned the kiss in his messages?
“No, wait, it was my headache, I couldn’t look at the screen without feeling nauseous.”
“Did it ever cross your mind that I would be worried?”
“Why?”
Shin groaned. “I fucking kissed you, Saint,” he said through gritted teeth.
“And?”
Shin didn’t know if he should feel relieved or concerned about Saint’s lack of reaction.
“What do you mean ‘and’? Aren’t you mad about that?”
Saint scratched his head. “Look, I might have overreacted a little that night. I was really out of it. I…”
Shin stared at him, waiting for him to continue. “You…?”
Saint looked sheepish, eyes on the ground. “You were right. I was just being stubborn. I actually didn’t want my first kiss to be with a stranger.”
Shin’s heart picked up its pace. “So…?”
Saint turned to look at him in the face. “So, I’m not mad. I’m actually glad it was you and not a random stranger.”
Shin wished he wasn’t blushing, but he was, and there was no way to stop it. “Okay, good,” he creaked. “I’m happy to have been of service.”
Saint broke the eye contact and bumped his shoulder against his. “Once again, you saved the day, my hero. What would I do without you?”
Shin placed a hand on his thigh. “Just hope you won’t ever have to find out.”