Chapter Text
At first, it really was an accident, really! Kanade didn’t mean to skip out on their meds, it just sort of… happened. It wasn’t entirely uncommon, sometimes the composer just forgot to take it here and there, too caught up in the task at hand, but it was fine. A simple fix, an admission and a promise to take it the next day, then nobody would worry. Kanade could handle themself, right?
Except.. They didn’t. One day turned into two, two became three, until Kanade had completely stopped taking them.
Kanade was, of course, perfectly aware of what they were doing, sort of. They knew that it wasn’t exactly the best thing, and was probably very bad for them, but it was scarier to admit what they had been doing, especially when they didn’t remember how long it had been going on. It was scarier to think of how people would react, especially the other members.
How long had it been? Was there even a point to starting them again? Did Kanade really need the antidepressants, or were they fine without them? Either way, they’d want to disappear. How unfortunate it was, the only side effect they got made them feel like doing the one thing they couldn’t. It would be selfish, and Kanade was already selfish enough as it was.
At least they were good at keeping it together (not to the extreme Mafuyu did, but well enough, to get people to stop asking questions), Kanade survived fine without meds before, they’d be fine now as well, right?
If only.
—--
It’s a while before their other members notice, in fact, it’s about a month later when Mafuyu finally pipes up after another skipped meal. While Kanade was known for often neglecting to eat, they had been improving (albeit slowly).
Lately, however, Mafuyu had found more and more leftovers shoved into the fridge or discarded, had watched the composer wave her off with a promise to eat later, only for ‘later’ to never occur. Mafuyu had watched as Kanade would occasionally nibble on something small, doing the bare minimum.
It was, mildly put, concerning. Watching someone destroy themselves over and over for the sake of creating, when they were supposedly getting better. It didn’t fit with what Mafuyu had known, but… sometimes people went backwards before going forwards again.
This seemed similar, but at the same time completely different, and Mafuyu wasn’t quite sure why. It vaguely reminded her of the bits of information she’d been given about what happened to their father. Again, concerning.
Mafuyu’s attention is pulled back as she realises the composer has yet to even take a bite. She decides to try asking, after another few agonizing minutes of watching the composer only push the food around with a distant gaze.
“Kanade?” she murmured, putting her cup down. No reply, their gaze wandered around the table, settling on a spot somewhere by their hand. It was as if they weren’t even there. Something cold settled in her stomach.
“Kanade.” Mafuyu tried, a bit more forcefully, more urgent. Again, nothing. While it wasn’t a rare occurrence for Kanade to space out, it was unusual (and concerning) for them to not immediately snap out of it when being called, no matter how quietly their name was said, especially by Mafuyu.
“Yoisaki.” she says, and thankfully, it works. The composer jolts upright, eyes widening in surprise. She watches the fork clatter to the side, but Mafuyu’s expression remains still. “You weren’t responding.” she offers as Kanade’s gaze returns to something more alert, more present, and less spaced out.
“Oh.” they mumble, blinking owlishly. Mafuyu feels a twinge of something, maybe exasperation, maybe worry. Her frown deepens, “You haven’t been eating properly. Why?” she asks, and watches as their eyes widen. “I… Haven’t been hungry-” the composer starts, before their stomach growls rather loudly. Mafuyu looks less than impressed, raising an eyebrow as Kanade only utters a quiet apology, almost forcing the food into their mouth with a grimace.
“Is something going on, Kanade?” she asks, eyebrows furrowing. She watches the other stiffen, hears the way their breathing stutters as eyes widen by a mere margin. Kanade’s head jerks upwards, a nervous smile spreading across their face. “A-ah, don’t worry about it Mafuyu.” they stammer, fingers grabbing at part of their sleeve. “It’s just a little- ahem, a bit of a… block I’ve hit?”
Their voice pitching upwards was a dead giveaway, along with the fact that Kanade would rarely admit so openly to struggling to compose. Mafuyu’s experience had taught her that they were very much so one to suffer in silence, to needlessly carry a load they could and should share. It was another thing she would never understand about them.
“Don’t lie.” is all she says, and the composer wilts immediately, worrying their lip. “It’s…I’ve just been feeling a little weird lately, nothing to worry about though, I promise, Mafuyu.”
They try not to shrink further into themselves as Mafuyu scrutinizes them, holding back the urge to sigh in relief when the lyrcist only nods and resumes eating. Kanade forces themself to take another bite of their food, and another. They make it halfway through before setting down their utensils. “I’m full.” the composer mumbles, “Excuse me, I’m going to try and keep working on the song, please don’t worry about it Mafuyu.”
Mafuyu sucks in a breath, but doesn’t protest as Kanade excuses themself to return to their room. They had lied again, but Mafuyu didn’t know why. What were they hiding, and why couldn’t she find it in herself to speak up?
Mafuyu lives and breathes. She is what most would call ‘functional’ at a glance, better than that even. Mafuyu is what others dream of being. She is perfect.
And when others cannot fulfill their dreams, some turn to supporting, and some to judge. Mafuyu is no stranger to these comments. Most of them are easy enough to dismiss with a well timed laugh or a subtle glance. Mafuyu knows how to fake being gentle, to fake being genuine.
Mafuyu has no idea how to actually be. This is her problem.
One of many, at least.
She doesn't know anymore, she hasn't known. Maybe she never has, but she’s trying to learn. Mafuyu can read most people's body language and respond appropriately when she's acting. Mafuyu can say the right thing like she's reciting a script.
She can, until it's with Kanade, for some inexplicable reason. Kanade isn't always easy to read or to respond to, especially lately. Mafuyu can't say the ‘right’ thing because sometimes it's the wrong thing to say. Sometimes Mafuyu can't even say or do anything, she just stands and breathes and simply is.
And yet, that somehow is enough for Kanade. Kanade, who, like her, only survives. Kanade, who destroys themself day after day to save another ghost. Kanade, who is hiding something and won’t tell her what, who makes Mafuyu feel warm and cold all at once, who pushes the lyricist to keep going just one more day. Kanade, who never asks for anything in return except to help them keep composing.
And what can Mafuyu do but watch as they run themself into the ground over and over, an unending, relentless cycle of self destruction.
Mafuyu would know. She had times where she was desperate for something, anything, and would destroy herself for just a sliver of a feeling. Anything to escape.
She should talk to Mizuki and Ena. Maybe they would know, maybe Ena would be able to get some answers out of Kanade. The brunette was always better at interrogating them, despite he soft spot for the composer. Maybe they all needed to sit down and talk with Kanade.
That seemed like a good place to start.