Work Text:
Hello. If you are reading this then that means I am probably dead. I’m not gonna bother to tell you who I am because you likely already realized, you always were one of the smarter people after all, not smart enough to realize how I truly felt about you, but still smart, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself aren’t I?
I think it’s best that I start from the beginning, back when I first met you.
From the moment our gazes met I knew there was something special about you, the way you made my heart stop for just a second. I didn’t know what it was back then, the only thing I knew was that I couldn’t get you off my mind, and it made me furious.
I tried everything to get myself to stop thinking about you. I even tried dating your brother figuring that it might transfer these feelings over to him somehow, but it didn’t work.
No matter what I tried, no matter how many “boyfriends” I dated, nothing helped, it only made the feelings worse.
I hated it. I hated how I felt, I hated it so much that I tricked myself into hating you. It made sense to me at the time. You made me feel this way, and since I hated how I felt, that meant I hated you.
So I bullied you. I called you names, said you were ugly, stuck gum in your hair, I did everything in my power to make your life miserable. I wanted you to hate me as much as I hated you, and you know what?
I loved it. I loved every second of it. I loved seeing you cry, seeing you beg for me to stop. To know that I had such an effect on you was liberating to me, like I was finally taking control of my own life after spending so long without it.
Of course I can admit now that what I did to you was horrible, even back then I knew, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care how cruel I was being because I was finally feeling something, something real, something tangible, something I never wanted to end.
But then it did.
You managed to find and rescue your brother, and with it you had no reason to deal with me anymore. You disappeared, you disappeared from not only the school, but my life as well.
I didn’t think it would affect me at first. You were just an ugly crybaby that I enjoyed picking on after all, and with all of us being transferred into a new school, one that had more girls I could torment, I figured I didn’t need you anymore. That you were just a thing of the past just like all the boys I used to date.
But I was wrong.
I tried, believe me I tried to reignite the spark that made tormenting you so exhilarating, but no matter what I did, no matter how badly I would torment and ridicule the other girls in the school, it was never the same. They never gave me the reactions I wanted, didn’t make me feel how I felt with you.
Because they weren’t you, they could never be you.
It’s embarrassing to admit now, but I can’t deny what this was.
It was desperation.
I was desperate.
I couldn’t take not having you around anymore and so I tried to replace you, and when that didn’t work, I began looking for other distractions. I even started dating that rich snob thinking all the riches in the world would finally be enough to satisfy me.
But it never was.
I still felt empty.
A feeling which would only grow when he entered the picture. Though to say he entered wasn’t exactly accurate, the reality is that he was always there, I just didn’t acknowledge him because I didn’t think he was important enough to warrant my attention.
But then you two got together, and I was crushed.
I didn’t get it.
How? How on Earth could someone like you fall for a lowlife like him?
It didn’t make sense. What could he have possibly done to deserve your love? What did he have that I didn’t? I spent so long hogging your attention while all he did was sit back and love you in silence.
What did he do to deserve you?
But that question was quickly drowned out by another.
Why?
Why did I care so much?
It’s not like it was affecting me. Him being with you shouldn’t be a problem. If anything I should be laughing.
The ugly girl who cried all the time and really missed her brother was dating the weird mole child that no one liked.
It should’ve been a comedy, and yet for me, it was a tragedy.
And that’s when it finally hit me.
All these years of hatred. All that time I spent hurting you as much as possible wasn’t because I hated you.
It was because I loved you.
I loved you more than anything.
I loved you because you were everything that I never was. You were smart, kind, beautiful, had a good family that loved you, all things I was desperate to be. You were everything I wanted, yet something I could never have.
I wanted you, I wanted you so badly that I bullied you just so you would look at me. I hated the thought of someone else having your attention, of someone else loving you, because it meant that you could never love me.
But there never was a chance, was there?
He was never the problem, it was me, it was always me.
You loved him because he gave you the one thing I refused to.
Love.
He made you feel wanted, made you feel needed. He risked everything just to see you smile while I only served to take it away.
He was everything you needed and I was nothing.
It’s funny isn’t it? I always acted as if I understood love, that I understood how to be loved, but that was all a lie. I never knew love, I never knew how to love or how to be loved, and I never will.
I wish I could take it all back, I really do. To be able to go back in time and fix everything would be God’s greatest gift to man, but I can’t, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make it up to you somehow.
Do you remember those pills Ms. Applegate used to take? The ones she was so desperate to have? Guess what I found?
That’s right, a whole bottle full of them. Don’t ask how I pulled this off, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that for the first time in my life, I’m finally going to do something good.
I know I can never apologize, it’s too late for that now, but I hope that perhaps knowing the truth of why I did all those awful things will be enough to provide you some closure. It doesn’t erase what I’ve done, but at least you won’t have to deal with me anymore, that’s all you’ve ever wanted right? For me to be gone?
If you’re wondering where I am, or rather where my body is, I’m in the women's bathroom in the leftmost stalls, don’t bother trying to see if I’m still alive. By the time you’ve read this letter, I’ll already be gone.
Please, don’t try and save me. This is what I want, more importantly this is what you need. I know it’s in your heart to protect others, you’re a good person like that, but some people just aren’t worth saving. I’ve accepted that and I hope you can too.
Before I end this off, I want you to promise me one something. I know it’s a lot to ask considering all I’ve done and you really don’t owe me anything, but if you could do this for me, I would truly appreciate it.
Please, never stop living your best life, never stop being happy, live the life that I wanted to live. Don’t ever stop caring about others, don’t let your feelings allow you to do horrible things. If you can do that, then that means everything I did was worth it.
That’s all I have to say. I wish you the best and I truly am sorry for everything.
Yours truly - the one you hate.