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In a state of mental derangement Lambert deemed it a good idea to take Vica to Kaer Morhen for the winter. He had some reasons for his decision: she made those quite acceptable little biscuits, kept him warm at night and, even more important: Her face wasn’t as unpleasant as Geralt’s and Eskel’s mugs and she was a tad less annoying than both of them.
He suspected that he had made a mistake when he saw how extraordinarily sweet they treated her. He sensed a plot behind their behavior. And rightly so. Shortly after their arrival, he heard Geralt and Eskel whispering how lovely he and Vica were together. He could have sworn that Geralt even hummed the tune of “The maid who rescued the monster” right behind his back. He’d have to kill him for that.
That bringing the pup to Kaer Morhen had indeed been the worst decision of Lambert’s entire life became apparent one morning. He and Vica had just entered the main hall. It smelled of porridge…with apples. Lambert hated apples with a passion. He was a Witcher, not a mule.
“Good morning, lovebirds” Geralt greeted them and put two pots with said porridge in front of them.
“G’morning” Vica answered with a bright smile. Eskel nodded friendly.
“We aren’t lovebirds, you oaf.” Lambert snapped before he sat down. He grumpily took a spoon and sorted the apple slices out of his breakfast, putting them into Vica’s bowl. Great. Five minutes into a new day and he already had the urgent need to kill something, he looked at his so-called brothers, or someone.
Eskel slowly turned to Geralt. “The game is on.”
“Alright. Welcome to a new chapter of the thrilling lovestory between Lambert and Vica.”
“Also known as the “Lambert diaries”” Eskel added.
“What will await us today? Soft touches, gently kisses and delicate words?”
“We’re eager to see.” Eskel said after taking a sip from his mug.
Lambert raised his head and glared at them. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Geralt shrugged. “Nothing. We’re just happy to see you.”
Lambert snorted.
“As a proof of his love Lambert shares the best part of his breakfast with his beloved Vica. This is a really touching gesture.” Eskel tried to suppress a laugh, whereas Vica focused on her porridge with a solemn face.
“Eskel, you oaf. This isn’t a fucking horserace at the Vegelbud Mansion. Stop that bullshit. And by the way there isn’t a lovestory of any kind between me and the pup.”
Geralt raised an eyebrow. “…Lambert said angrily. But let me reassure you, the sounds coming from his room last night definitely sounded like a horserace. Who won, dear Lambert?”
Vica nearly swallowed. Lambert gave her a slap on the back. A dead pup was the last thing he needed right now. But apparently she didn’t want to die and grinned at Geralt instead. “We’ll call it a draw.”
Lambert stared at her. “What the fuck, Vica? Do you support their childish antics?”
She shook her head. “No, I enjoy my breakfast. Calm down, Lambert.”
Eskel grinned. “…said the fair maid. Her handsome hero looked at her and instantly forgot his anger because he only had eyes for her beauty.”
“You’re so pathetic.” Lambert rolled his eyes. “But yeah, you’re jealous, alright. Jealous that I managed to get a girl while Geralt is stuck with that bitchy witch and Eskel isn’t able to get laid by a woman that has no horns.” He tried to calm down, he really did because they weren’t worth any of his energy, but the grin his brothers exchanged didn’t exactly help.
“Look, Eskel. Is that a lovebite on Vica’s neck?” Eskel and Lambert both turned their heads in perfect synchronization to look at her. While Lambert desperately tried to use Vica’s hair to hide said bite, Eskel nodded.
“It sure is, Geralt. Our grumpy not-so-lone-anymore-rider marked his female. That surely counts as an effort to bond permanently.”
Vica nodded while Lambert tugged at her hair a little tighter than necessary. “Eskel’s right. Cats do that.”
“I am not a cat, pup.”
“But greater cats do that, too. Lions and tigers for example. Some other species also use this behavior. You know, seals and dogs and even those horses far away in Ofier, the black ones with the white stripes.”
“Enough! I’m neither a fucking cat nor a horse. Besides, they are white with black stripes.”
“No. The horses of the Zerrikanian desert are white with black stripes.”
“Pup, eat your fucking porridge so we can leave those morons alone.” He was finally satisfied with how her hair hid the mark he left on her last night.
Eskel smiled. “Now you can see how Lambert tries to show dominance but his tender touches give him away. I‘d also like to add that he indeed is a cat because he’s always purring in Vica’s presence.”
Geralt nodded. “Now Lambert looks at his love with so much affection it melts my heart. He’s planning what to do with her today because he knows about the importance of making and keeping a girl happy.”
Lambert fumed now. “Listen, you fucking prick. How dare you of all people tell me to make someone happy? I’ve never seen your beloved Yennefer being happy with you. Second: I don’t look “caring” or whatever. I look irritated because the pup is still not done with that disgusting stuff you call breakfast. I’m even more irritated because I still have to look at your ugly faces. ”
“Did you hear that, Eskel? Lambert cares so much for his girl that he wants to make sure she gets enough food. That’s really important because the winters are hard in the mountains. What we have here is love in its truest form.”
That’s it. They had it coming. Lambert threw his still half-full bowl over the table but Eskel and Geralt reacted quickly enough. In the moment he got up to hit either of them he felt Vica’s touch on his thigh. He looked at her and relaxed a little. That she had this effect on him drove him even madder. “Pup, do you really think I’ll indulge in this nonsense?”
Eskel coughed. “…Lambert said furiously, but Vica’s presence calmed him down. Because of her loving touch he forgot about his wish to kill his fellow witchers and decided to take his girl and have a beautiful day with her.”
“See, pup? I’ll have to kill them.”
Vica smiled. “You don’t.”
Lambert glared at Eskel. “Listen, scarface. Stop that shit. Now. Or I’ll make you. With an axe. In your head.”
“Lambert shows his dominance once again. But we all know he would miss the narrator’s head by ten miles because of these rose-colored glasses he’s wearing.”
Lambert got up and tugged at Vica’s sleeve. “We’re going. Now.”
“I’m going nowhere, Lambert. I’m not done eating yet.”
His eyes narrowed. “Loyalty isn’t one of the things they taught you at the University, no? Well then, traitor. Fraternize with those imbeciles all you want. I’m done.” He left the main hall while muttering a wide range of insults.
After some moments, when he was sure Lambert couldn’t hear them anymore, Geralt grinned at Vica. “You were right, that was fun.”
She smirked back. “Told ya. Worked every time we tried that in Oxenfurt.”
“Did that serve any purpose other than driving someone mad? Not that I’m complaining, he definitely deserved it.” Eskel smiled.
Vica tried to put on a serious face. “Of course it serves a purpose. Science.”