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It starts out small. Tiny even. Lee Seokmin meets Hong Jisoo in the basement of their agency. The walls are a faded neon green, nicked with scratches. They dance and sing and live in this room, cramped together. It’s not everything, but it’s enough. Their dreams of stardom fill the gaps in the wooden floor. They live and breathe passion. Seokmin wakes up, hits his head on the low ceiling, eats and gets to work. Wash, rinse and repeat. All for even just a chance of debuting. It’s tiring but familiar. Seokmin wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Seokmin is a simple boy. The things he likes can be counted on one hand. He likes dogs. He likes singing. He likes dancing. He likes their team, the little narrow dorm and their shared dream.
He likes Jisoo. Very, very much.
~
Seokmin is bright. He knows how powerful his voice is. It can carry him through hours of vocal practice. But Hong Jisoo, he realises, is even brighter.
It’s been 3 hours of vocal practice before they take their first break. The air-conditioning in the room is good at making a mini Antarctica despite it being old. Seokmin is grateful. There are no windows here, but if there were, there’d be condensation raining down it. Summer is in full swing, after all. They’re like, living in a huge ice box. He’s an ice cube. He smiles to himself.
He leans back on his hands, and before he can even reach for his water bottle, Jisoo is there, handing it to him in a split second. He smiles with his eyes that curve into crescents. He has dimples like tiny stars. Of course, Seokmin knows lots of other facts about him other than his face. Jisoo is good at guitar, good at singing and good at poker faces.
“What were you thinking about?” He settles next to Seokmin, arms around his beloved guitar, absently strumming a tune that sounds like Sunday Morning.
“Us being ice cubes in a huge ice box, hyung.”
Jisoo laughs, like the tinkling of wind chimes in the summer wind.
“If we were ice cubes, what shape would you be?” Jisoo entertains him, the blinding grin on his face distracting Seokmin from any other thought. Ah yes, one more fact, he has a bunny smile.
“Dog.” Seokmin says, just to say something because his mind is blank.
Jisoo bursts into a fit of giggles. A surge of joy shoots through Seokmin like he’s just hit the high note perfectly. He wants to hear it, again and again.
“Hyung, what would you be?”
“A daisy.” Jisoo replies, looking down and smoothing his fingers over the engraving of the flower on the side of his guitar.
“If you were a daisy and I was a dog, do you think we’d meet in a park?” Seokmin muses.
“I’ll wait for you in the park.” Jisoo winks.
Seokmin winks back but his heart is stumbling over itself to sit at Jisoo’s feet. Jisoo is just joking, but something about him makes Seokmin unsure, like standing in front of the amber traffic light. He wants to fall towards this new, silly thing between them. Let it colour all his days gold.
He wants to be the only dog that gets to meet Jisoo in the park, if that even makes sense at all.
What is he even saying? He doesn’t even know, but he likes it. He likes that Jisoo entertains him. And he likes Jisoo.
When Seokmin reaches again for his bottle of water, his fingers brush over Jisoo’s faintly. The touch is feather-like, almost dismissable.
Oh. It's warm.
Jisoo is unphased, unbothered. His eyes are twin crescents, gummy smile on full display, still humming Sunday Morning. (Does he ever get tired of that song?) He is mere inches away from Seokmin, on the floor. The speakers buzz in the studio and the smell of fresh grass from their shoes hangs in the air. This is just a normal Thursday. For everyone else, this moment passes by like sand in the hourglass.
But for Seokmin, it's like moving through honey. He tries to commit it all to memory. Jisoo, his hair falling into his eyes and his foot, playfully nudging at the sole of Seokmin’s shoe from where they’re crossed on the floor. The melody on his guitar and the bass of Jisoo's hum in the air. Every edge, soft. Hong Jisoo is sunshine turned boy.
Even though they spend the entire day singing and practising the same song over and over again, all Seokmin can think about is how warm Jisoo’s fingers are and how summer sounds when it’s distilled into a single boy. Seokmin thinks that's valid. It's not every day you get to touch the sun after all.
~
Another thing Seokmin comes to learn about Jisoo is that he plays dirty. And because Seokmin is very committed to the bit that is Jisoo as a whole, he even likes that.
He tries very hard to convince himself of that, when Jisoo is sprinting across the balloon obstacle course at a pace that is frankly, mildly concerning. The older boy throws himself forward once the starting signal is given and rockets across the balloon obstacles. Seokmin is out of breath just watching him, let alone trying to catch up. What the hell is that stamina? He’s so mesmerised for a split second that he falls behind Jisoo, by just a little.
They stumble into each other again at one of the hurdles and Jisoo scrambles over it, all knees and elbows. Seokmin ducks and tries to squeeze past him but a stray kick to the head from Jisoo makes him see stars. Dramatic as ever, Seokmin rights himself and tries to run after him, planning to laugh about it later. Something about the irony of the boy who he thinks hung the stars making him see stars and new opportunities to use this as blackmail material.
He runs hard, feet sinking and squishing amongst the balloons, mildly thankful for the workout it is in itself so he can have excuses for the flush on his face and the way his heart races when he thinks about how Jisoo is going to hold this above his head. He’s going to gloat and do a stupid dance, after he bows and acts pretty for the camera.
Hong Jisoo, you are no longer an enigma! Seokmin grins triumphantly in his mind. True to his expectations, the (ridiculous) man of his affections moves silently and seriously like his life depends on it, all the way to the end, leaving Seokmin in the dust. He’s so serious, Seokmin doesn’t know to laugh or cry.
Seokmin can’t blame him, of course, but the way he answers Jihoon’s interview at the end with a poker face, true to his gentleman agenda till the end, is real commitment. The younger man knows Jisoo is already celebrating on the inside, especially when he turns that poker face toward Seokmin, who feels his grip on the stupid balloon wall slacken just a bit.
Come on, Lee Seokmin! You can’t be defeated by a bit of rubber and air!
When he reaches the edge, he throws himself over with the momentum and the victorious slide is exhilarating. For a moment, he forgets he’s technically already lost and starts crawling through a tunnel when Jihoon waves at him, laughing.
“Dokyeom-ah, it’s over! It’s over!” Mingyu laughs.
Jisoo must have hit him real hard because of course, in real comedic fashion, he remembers he’s already lost just in time for the camera to see it. He swears he isn’t doing it on purpose. 1 point to Jisoo for winning, 2 points to Seokmin because Jisoo is laughing too, and waiting at the end.
“Dokyeom-ah! Finish up strong!” Soonyoung shouts from the gallery. Seungcheol yells encouragingly from beside him.
Seokmin crawls through the tunnels, rolls under the obstacles and at some point, briefly considers giving up after falling on his ass three times. His annoying other half is still waiting patiently at the yellow ending square.
Jihoon cackles when he falls on his ass a fourth time and everyone in the gallery echoes his laughter. Jeonghan is practically clutching his pearls, breathless. Seokmin is breathless too. Seungkwan is the only one who cheers “Lee Seokmin!” repeatedly. Seokmin makes a mental note to end his friendship with everyone except Seungkwan.
The way Jisoo waves the tiny blue flag when he falls face first into the yellow ending square and praises him with a “Well done!” is almost worth the sore calves he’s given himself from trying to scale that slippery wall. Not one to lose, even mentally, Jisoo leans over and caresses the back of Seokmin’s head, patting him with genuine concern before Seokmin can even open his mouth to whine about it.
“Is your head okay?”
Seokmin is not okay. He thought he was winning 2 - 1 (mentally) but Jisoo is full of tricks! Full of treachery and speed and softness and Seokmin is losing.
“You did well!” The older boy extends a hand in good will. Jisoo is so nice, it’s hard to annoy him. Seokmin resists the urge to start whining right at this moment, choosing to gulp down a mouthful of air first, weakly grabbing Jisoo’s hand.
Once the oxygen is in his lungs, he grabs the back of his head and begins Operation Blackmailing Jisoo part one.
“He kicked me in the back of my head! That’s why I lost!”
Jisoo rolls his eyes while chuckling. “Even if I hadn’t, you would’ve lost anyway!” He sounds so smug, even though his voice is tinged with triumph.
Jihoon nods solemnly like he understands. “Ah, he kicked you good in the head, that’s why you failed the rock-climbing wall.”
“He got me good with his leg!” Seokmin defends. Jisoo placates him by patting the spot he kicked, stroking the back of his head. Seokmin is losing with a capital L. He doesn’t like this game very much.
“Thank you for watching me to the end.” He nods at the camera.
“Fair play. Fair play.” Jisoo claps for him, but meets his gaze with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. He’s acting so cocky. Seokmin kind of wants to kiss him and kill him at the same time. The back of his neck tingles with warmth and exertion and he wonders briefly if that coy smile has the same effect as his hands when pressed to the nape of his neck.
“My heart nearly exploded!” Seokmin eyes him from the side and Jihoon nods but Jisoo giggles. Hong Jisoo knows he’s charming and will play it to his advantage every time. Seokmin should have known better. He fixes Seokmin with a knowing look, batting his eyelashes and the younger man chalks it up to him acknowledging the flirt.
Ten minutes later, Seokmin is regretting that decision. He should have taken that as a sign. When he gets a headstart on the last round where they all race each other, the only thought in his mind is “GOGOGO” as he hops through the little hoops on the castle. Jisoo is hot on his heels. He makes it through the yard and is supposed to go through the hole in the wall when he panics and decides to jump the wall completely. Luck is not shining on Seokmin because that’s when he takes a tumble off the edge of the wall and to add insult to injury, Jisoo tackles him from behind.
A firm hand fists itself in the sweater fabric at his shoulder and another bunches up the fabric at his waist in a tight embrace. The older boy is grinning as he locks his arms around Seokmin, weighing him down. Seokmin does his best imitation of a fish out of water, struggling against the strong arms around his waist.
“You brat!” Seokmin sputters.
“I’m going to hold you back!” Jisoo is grinning so wide, his hair falling in his face and Seokmin is a weak, weak man.
No, no, Seokmin, that’s too easy. Get up! He makes one last break for it when Jisoo tightens the hug around his middle, refusing to let go. They’re stuck here, panting and fighting each other through gritted teeth. In the distance, Chan makes it to third place and they haven’t even reached the stupid wall. Even the cameraman is laughing.
“Ah, Seokmin-ah. Ow, ow.” Jisoo gasps breathlessly from under him.
For a moment, Seokmin forgets he is, in fact, an entire grown man, pressing all his body weight onto Jisoo. In one quick movement, he pushes off Jisoo immediately, moving to check on him.
“Are you o-” The concern dies in his throat when Jisoo giggles and makes a beeline for the Wall of Futility.
He makes it halfway up the wall (Impressive, nonetheless) when Seokmin thinks to get up and pull him by the sweater all the way back down. He’s still laughing, flashing those pearly whites, and Seokmin has lost all day. He finally starts adding points mentally for when Jisoo stands, dusts himself off and takes both his hands. It’s a simple gesture, but the audience that is his brain cells being competitive completely quiets down into a chorus of “Jisoo!”
Maybe Seokmin doesn’t have the same calming effect on Jisoo, or Jisoo is a little cheater but Jisoo drops his hands immediately and climbs the Wall. And because he is God’s favourite, he makes it over in one swoop while Seokmin slides miserably back down when he fails to swing himself over the top.
He tries again, and makes it smoothly, after including a moment of lying boneless at the foot of the wall. When he reaches the other side, everyone is walking back to the start.
“Is it over again? Why do I always end up here?”
They announce the rankings and Chan humbly thanks Jisoo for blocking Seokmin so he could win third place. Everyone claps, and Seokmin feels like this episode is going to be a hit with Carats, if only because of his clownery. Wow, Jisoo - 4, Seokmin - 3. Sad, sad day for a loverboy like Seokmin. He sniffs.
On the other hand, his whole body is humming with heat from being close to Jisoo all day. It’s a familiar warmth, like lying in a pane of sunlight. Jisoo is radiant, glowing under the overhead lights. He can practically feel the waves of happiness pouring off of him. The corners of Seokmin’s mouth are traitors, quirking up like sunflowers to the sun. Well, from the way Jisoo is rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet and smirking at him, maybe it’s not a total loss after all.
~
On a random Tuesday afternoon, Seokmin realises he’s made a mistake. In the span of 3 hours, Seokmin has drunk a smoothie, dressed up to see one of his best friends, and has managed to press himself up against the most beautiful boy in the world. His heart is pounding against his ribs for three different reasons, and while one of them (the smoothie that was apparently NOT sugar-free) is fading, he’s in a car with the most beautiful boy in the world, on his way to see one of his favourite people.
Said beautiful boy is currently carrying a box with expensive vintage wine, so an enclosed car is not the best place for Seokmin to be hyper. Did he forget to mention he’s also carrying coffee in his own lap? Luckily, Jisoo doesn’t seem to have a problem with him at all, and looks at every meme and funny cat video Seokmin shows him on his phone endearingly. If there’s anything worse for Seokmin’s heart than sugar and excitement, it’s Hong Jisoo. Specifically Hong Jisoo who likes Seokmin’s personal space. He has one arm around the wine in his lap but the other tracing patterns on Seokmin’s thigh. Hong Jisoo is heaven sent. Sometimes as an angel but sometimes as a test.
Seokmin is being tested. He knows this when Jisoo leans over to whisper, breath hot against the shell of his ear, that they should put their faces in the door camera as a greeting. Seokmin agrees and Jisoo leans back in his seat, satisfied. He removes his hand from Seokmin’s thigh to cradle the wine when they go over a bump. Thank God for bumpy roads. The residual warmth from his hand tickles, but Seokmin is warm all over just being out and about with his favourite person in the world. He hopes the ice in the coffee doesn’t melt before they get there.
They arrive at Youngji’s with little fanfare except the cute little door camera arrival video they do. They nail it in one try, and exchange a heated high five before opening the door. The staff welcome them excitedly, and so does Youngji. Seokmin is going to strategically ignore the way he greeted her on the other side of the door and how she responded with “Go home!”
They hand out iced coffee to the staff, who collectively gasp their thanks. While Jisoo makes his way to his seat at the table, Seokmin takes a deep breath and gets right to making fun of Youngji’s viking hat. Youngji shoos him away.
He’s forced to sit while Jisoo presents the wine and proceeds to dap Youngji up when she presents the sake. Leave it to Jisoo to befriend people instantly.
Seokmin gets to opening a can of potato chips with his teeth, because it’s funnier and why not? A six-foot toy snake greets him enthusiastically. Seokmin yelps, almost throwing the can. The snake falls on the back of Jisoo’s neck, who doesn’t even flinch, not even from his scream.
As he starts to protest his surprise, Jisoo is nearly bent in half from laughing at him. “So that’s why you asked Dokyeom to open it!”
Youngji is melting into the floor in laughter. This is off to a greater start than he thought.
Liquor turns on the rose-tinted glasses. Seokmin starts playing a game in his head right after the third drink, when everything starts getting a little sweet and blurry in his head. He likes games. Every time he makes Jisoo laugh, plus one point. Every time Jisoo’s foot knocks into his under the table, one point. He expects to win lots of them by tonight.
What he isn’t expecting is Youngji to propose to Jisoo on the spot when he opens her chocolate milk.
“Jisoo-ya! If you open my chocolate milk for me like that, people like me imagine marrying you and having grandkids!” Seokmin is already dying from laughter because he didn’t think Youngji could be anymore relatable, but then Jisoo seals the chocolate milk forcefully in full view of the camera and he throws his head back so hard while laughing, he nearly gives himself a concussion.
“Our Jisoo-hyung, is very sweet, and very kind. So much that his gentlemanly actions are often mistaken.” Seokmin explains to the staff, who are in stitches as well. He goes down this well-worn road, describing how good Jisoo is, how easy he is to love. It’s like second nature, to love a person like Jisoo. The resulting beam on Jisoo’s face as he preens in the praise reminds Seokmin of a baby deer. Endlessly endearing. Seokmin kind of wants to eat him up.
“Dokyeomie, is pure, innocent and kind.” Jisoo compliments Seokmin in front of the whole room and Seokmin kicks at his foot under the table a little. The object of his affections does not stop, turning on him with stars in his eyes. Traitor. Seokmin’s face is burning and he kind of wants to crawl into his socks. Plus 100 points at least.
Halfway through their filming, Seokmin’s so busy playing the game and having fun with Youngji that he picks up Jisoo’s cup instead and when Youngji points it out as he’s about to switch them, Jisoo suggests they do a love shot, with each other’s cups.
Wow, Jisoo knows about the game in his mind. Jisoo is a psychic!
He also half expects Jisoo to get up and do the love shot dance, but he doesn’t. Hmm, tragic… he likes that dance, even more than Jisoo likes doing it.
Anyway, indirect kiss, plus 100 points for Seokmin! Maybe he can hit a 1000 points tonight.
They drink some more. Jisoo is good at picking wine. He likes wine but he likes wine that Jisoo chose even more. It's Jisoo flavoured , he hums to himself internally.
Youngji tells him to stop hitting his head on the wall when he laughs. In his defense, he didn’t realise he was doing it repeatedly. When Jisoo hits his head too, Seokmin’s more than a little tipsy and brave enough that he caresses the back of his head and coos at him to be more careful. For some reason, the way Jisoo smiles up at him thankfully leaves him even warmer than the love shot. Maybe he’s getting way too drunk. He might spontaneously combust.
He thinks he comes really close to it, when Youngji tosses him a chocolate and tells him to feed it to Jisoo. Without any hesitation, Seokmin unwraps it and feels for Jisoo’s mouth. His hyung is bent over the bead box organiser, and turns his head as the chocolate approaches. Seokmin thinks he is definitely too drunk for this when he places the chocolate square on Jisoo’s tongue. For a brief moment, his fingers kiss the edges of Jisoo’s lips and teeth. On the outside, Seokmin is the picture of grace and calm but internally this sets off about 70 out of 100 Jisoo-related sirens in his headspace. The older boy is unfazed, addressing Youngji with a palmful of beads. Seokmin adds 100 points in his head.
Seokmin decides to up the stakes at around point 604 when Jisoo is completely engrossed in making Youngji a bracelet. Jisoo does not make it easy. He doesn’t even look at Seokmin, not even a little, even when he’s starting a dramatic rendition of Don’t Wanna Cry with the karaoke mic. The staff clap along, some pointing hilariously at how indifferent Jisoo is. Unfortunately, this is a normal Thursday for Seokmin.
“Did you go far away because you didn’t like me anymore?”
Jisoo ties a knot with the string.
“Don’t play around, I know you’re there.”
Jisoo strings another bead onto the bracelet.
Devastated, Seokmin stops singing halfway through the next verse and falls to the ground. Hong Jisoo is a menace. He will never reach a 1000 points by tonight.
“Okay!” He yells in defeat as Jisoo strings up the bracelet majestically into view of the camera. He has not spared Seokmin a glance at all.
“It’s okay because he’s drunk.” Seokmin tells himself, out loud. Drunk Jisoo makes bead bracelets and ignores Seokmin. Seokmin needs to do something about that.
Youngji returns and they have another sing-off where she pushes him away in favour of the bracelet Jisoo is making. Seokmin keeps losing to a bunch of beads. He has to admit though, it is very pretty. He thinks he says this out loud while paying the bracelet no attention.
Youngji proposes to Jisoo a fourth time. “Our grandson will be James!” she exclaims.
In true Seokmin fashion, he hears something about belonging to Jisoo and immediately shouts, “My English name is James!”
Youngji pushes him again. Oh yes, right. He wants to be Jisoo’s but not in that way.
Next tactic! He drapes himself over Jisoo and begs him to open the beer for him. No such luck. Jisoo is engrossed in tying the bracelet off. Never mind, he opens it with the spoon himself.
“You’re taking attention away from me.” He pouts at the bracelet. The bracelet does not respond. Annoyed, Seokmin clings to Jisoo’s arm. He’s a limpet. A potsticker. A tattoo on Hong Jisoo’s arm.
Youngji proposes for the fifth time. Seokmin understands her completely.
When Jisoo starts singing in that sultry voice, Seokmin starts headbanging all crazy in the corner. He can actually feel his brain clunking around in his skull when Youngji presses his lip stamp into the paper canvas for her collection.
When Jisoo starts applying the lipstick (that Seokmin just used! Indirect kiss!!) without a mirror, all his brain cells self-destruct. All he can think about is the slide of the matte lipstick across that pout. The way Jisoo leans into the picture frame like a graceful willow. The way his hands grip the edge of the canvas, fingers curling around the frame like roots growing around a roadside curb.
Jisoo kisses the paper firmly. Seokmin has never wanted to be a piece of canvas more in his life.
Youngji sings while Seokmin loses all of Jisoo’s attention to spaghetti. He thinks it makes for terrible background music. “It’s time to leave”, Youngji wails into the microphone. Seokmin has got this. He moves towards the door, and leans his whole weight onto it. Done! That was easy!
He stands outside with his hands on his hips. He’s forgetting something.
In true strategic timing, Jisoo appears right after he’s going back to look for him. Ah, just in time. Before he can tell Jisoo about it, Jisoo grabs him by the waist and tugs him out the building.
They spill over each other while getting into the car. Seokmin loses all control over his limbs when the boy of his affections takes his rightful place beside him in the backseat and clutches his arm like it’s a pillow.
“I don’t want to leave.” He drags the last word out, pulling at the lapels of Seokmin’s shirt.
“Mmm, Shua-hyung drank too much.” Seokmin frees his arm from Jisoo’s stranglehold to slide it around him. Smooth!
“What’s smooth?” Jisoo narrows his eyes at him. Seokmin slaps a hand over his own mouth.
“Oh… Seokmin’s face is smooth!” The older man giggles and cuddles closer, cradling Seokmin’s face with both his hands. His thumbs smooth over Seokmin’s cheekbones so tenderly Seokmin has to suck in a breath. Jisoo is getting dizzyingly close, and he’s all fire and flame in Seokmin’s arms. The younger man can smell the wine on Jisoo’s breath, count the freckles on his flawless skin, and see the wrinkles of his smile lines at the eyes.
Jisoo is lovable. He is easy to love, even when he’s ignoring Seokmin, being dramatic or sulky. Seokmin thinks Jisoo existed before love. They made his love before they made his body, that’s why there’s so much of it. Every edge of him is endearing. Seokmin is very sure, there will never be another boy like Jisoo. Even if there was, Seokmin wouldn’t love him as much as he loves Jisoo right now.
The object of his affections inches closer and Seokmin flinches, breaking out of his reverie. Jisoo huffs affectionately, and plants a kiss on the tip of his nose. It’s chaste, but leaves a layer of lipstick behind. Jisoo leans back, satisfied with his work. His eyes disappear into the blinding grin he gives Seokmin briefly before fixing him with the deepest, most lovely look in the world.
Seokmin is a simple, simple man. He pulls the most beautiful man in the world closer and presses his lips to his cheek in thanks. Jisoo sighs contentedly and settles down to sleep with his head against the younger’s shoulder. Laying his cheek on top of Jisoo’s head, Seokmin faintly recalls he is trying to win something. He stopped counting a while ago, but having Jisoo all to himself like this is a happiness that countless awards and high notes can’t come close to. A thousand points just for the honour of having Jisoo in his life. He’s already won.
~
The world proves itself over and over again that it does not know how to appreciate the angel that is Hong Jisoo. A boy overflows with so much love that it bleeds into his hands, in his face, everything he touches, shunned in a second because of a passing rumour that isn’t even true. Seokmin nurses the anger like an old wound. The people who demand Jisoo leave do not understand how the world works. The world is only warm because he exists in it.
Seokmin knows how much the world means to Jisoo. He persists despite the hate, smiling kindly at the fans who show up for him. He comes to every practice. But there’s more to him than being an idol. He loves daisies in any place they grow. He is even kind to insects. Jisoo is the kind of boy the world is supposed to love. Jisoo was born to be loved.
Seokmin is 26 when he watches the love of his life withdraw from everyone, quiet down and shrink into himself in what is supposed to be the busiest and happiest times of his life. His days get dimmer, muted. He watches everything through a curtain. Jisoo is silent so often, Seokmin is afraid to forget him. But he never does. He finds himself gravitating to him, finding him first in every room, listening for his voice.
Jisoo tries, very hard, to disappear. He shrinks in on himself, even though he’s looking after the others. When Jisoo sits quietly in their training room amidst the tense atmosphere amongst the members who are all worried for him, Seokmin plasters himself to his side. If nothing else, the way Jisoo leans into his side will be enough for all other lifetimes.
He doesn’t stop. Jisoo keeps leaning on him, flesh against flesh, for so long that Seokmin loses all feeling. If he lifted his arm, perhaps Jisoo’s arm would rise instead. The essence is that Seokmin doesn’t stop, and Jisoo lets him. Always.
The members tiptoe around them, but show their care in other ways. Jisoo tries to act as normal as possible but not every laugh or joke comes out flawless. The members know this. Seungkwan covers Jisoo with his own quilt when he falls asleep on the couch. Seungcheol hovers around him in every official appearance like a shadow, the stoic expression not once leaving his face. Jeonghan wraps himself around Jisoo any opportunity he gets, holding his hand through the airports. Junhui carries Jisoo’s favourite snacks in his bag and offers them on car rides. Mingyu cooks whatever Jisoo asks for and even what he doesn’t ask for. Wonwoo lets Jisoo win every game they play together. Jihoon watches over him during practices, pushing water towards him during breaks. Soonyoung is the first to praise Jisoo for everything: his vocals, his dance, his energy. Hansol breaks out playlists and shares his wired earphones on every car ride.
Seokmin is extra cheerful to replace the drop in energy. He spins up jokes and commits to every bit. He is glued to Jisoo’s side any other time. Seokmin keeps letting Jisoo lean on him. As much as he wants, as long as he wants to.
Then it happens. At the next concert, when they do intermittent ments, it’s Jisoo’s turn to speak. For the first time since the rumours began. The whole stadium holds its breath in anticipation. Seokmin watches him from faraway. As Jisoo speaks, his eyes shine brighter than all the stage lights and stars above them and Seokmin hates it. He hates it, because he knows what comes next. It has been a long time coming. In this moment, Joshua is also Jisoo, small and afraid, crying in the same place where he is meant to be loved fiercely. His boy looks up into the cameras, still smiling despite it all, and something ugly and heavy in Seokmin surges up like a wave, swallowing him whole.
Jisoo is not let out of anyone’s sight after that. One of the members is around him at all times. Jisoo’s energy is muted, a wan smile plastered on his face. Seokmin can’t even think of him without the image of him crying burning in the back of his mind. His hands itch with the urge to pull Jisoo close, to tuck him into his chest. Hide him from the rest of the world, simply because they do not deserve him. He’s selfish like that. Those few minutes have turned his insides to a molten mess of anger and grief for the boy he loves most.
Backstage, Jeonghan and Seungcheol pull Jisoo towards the vacant changing rooms, sending knowing looks to the rest of the members, who are still abuzz from adrenaline and excitement but are all carrying that seed of worry for him. Seokmin catches Jeonghan’s gaze just before he tugs Jisoo into the room and nods. He will keep them away for now.
Jisoo is changed and nearly one with the corner of the couch by the time it’s Seokmin’s turn to change. He’s nestled against Jeonghan, who has entwined their arms and laid his head upon Jisoo’s shoulder with his eyes closed. Seokmin and every other person in their group knows this is just a pretense to snuggle up to Jisoo of course. They’re all worried.
Seungcheol has instructed them to get to changing right after the 95-line are done so they can expedite the journey back to the hotel. While waiting, their leader perches on the armrest, his thigh, a convenient place for Jisoo to lean his head against. Every time one of them is out of commission, the 95-line take turns to guard and protect each other. Seokmin is loathe to pop the bubble of peace they’ve created around Jisoo. He trusts them. Jisoo is safe, at least for the moment.
Jisoo has his eyes closed for most of the car ride home. They are in one car with Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Jisoo leans against Seokmin’s shoulder with Seokmin’s arm around him but Seokmin knows he isn’t actually asleep. Jisoo can’t sleep after crying unless he washes his face first. But on seeing Jisoo close his eyes, everyone stays silent on the way back.
“Take care of him.” Jeonghan whispers to Seokmin after he guides Jisoo into the ensuite bathroom in their hotel room and shuts the door behind him. Seokmin pats Jeonghan's shoulder in reassurance and salutes him. His hyung cracks him a smile and turns to peck his cheek before returning to his own room with Seungcheol. Seokmin sits on the edge of the bed and listens to the shower water run for five, ten, fifteen minutes, scrolling their group chat and giving updates on Jisoo. Jisoo doesn’t use his phone often, and since the rumours, he uses it even less. Seokmin is aware of his runaway imagination, and has developed a fear of Jisoo disappearing like rain, evaporating into thin air. Vaporising like dew on a summer morning. The world being in uproar for a while and quieting down like they’ve never missed him, while Seokmin and their members will nurse a wound in his shape.
Jisoo appears from the shower, rubbing his eyes. With his makeup off, the bags under his eyes are more pronounced and puffy in a way that Seokmin knows he will hate in the morning. So he beckons Jisoo to sit on the bed while he takes his turn to shower. He wraps Jisoo in a warm robe and plies him with a cup of warm tea he brewed while waiting. When they’ve both showered, Seokmin dries his hair, and dabs a cool cloth to Jisoo’s face. From where he’s lying on the bed, with his head in Seokmin’s lap, Jisoo looks small. He says nothing as Seokmin wipes his face with cool toner and dabs it in with gentle taps.
Jisoo is silent in his hurting. Seokmin knows. He says nothing to Jisoo except praises nowadays. When he finishes Jisoo’s skincare routine, Jisoo is pliant and nearly drifting off to sleep. Tucking Jisoo in his bed, Seokmin watches the slope of his figure from his own bed. Commits every detail to his mind to see if he can replace the haunting image of Jisoo’s face shining with tears. Watches the slow rise and fall of his chest. The curve of his spine, bright against the city lights from the window. The sheen of toner on his face.
Jisoo is real. Jisoo is here. Jisoo is going to be okay.
Seokmin tries to cast a line out into the darkness. “Shua-hyung, I love you. Goodnight.”
He doesn’t expect a reply, but he gets one. Small and crushing against the darkness of the room.
“I love you too, Dokyeomie.”
Seokmin settles into his bed but he can’t suppress the nagging feeling that his line didn’t reach Jisoo.
In the darkness of the early morning, Seokmin awakes in his bed with a start. His heart races and his breath rattles in his chest with irrational fear. The dream behind his eyes is fading fast but he keeps imagining it. Jisoo crying. Jisoo getting on a plane and leaving. Jisoo, gone.
He’s upright in his own bed. In the inky darkness, he glances over at Jisoo's bed. His heart drops to his stomach. Either the inky darkness has obscured his silhouette, or, Jisoo is gone. Seokmin throws off his duvet and makes a mad dash for Jisoo's bed.
The bed is cold. Gone. He fumbles in the dark until he finds the light switch. Jisoo's bag. Missing from the coffee table. Gone. He checks his phone. No messages. It’s 4am. Gone. Gone. Gone.
Oh. Oh god. This isn't even Korea. Jisoo is gone. Seokmin is not a pious man, but as he grabs his jacket and sprints out the door at 4am like a madman, he starts praying.
He finds Jisoo in the park behind the hotel. He's in nothing but his sleepwear and it is fall, turning to winter. Jisoo's head is in his hands, and he's mumbling something to someone on the phone. The streetlight is dim, but is reflected in the streaks of tears across Jisoo’s pale face. When Jisoo muffles a sob while hanging up, Seokmin's heart crushes against his lungs. His fist clenches and unclenches in the jacket fabric as he gets closer.
He approaches Jisoo the way one approaches a wounded animal. Jisoo is curled in on himself on the bench. Seokmin goes where he belongs. The bench creaks when he sits, and opens his arms silently. There is only a moment's pause before a solid warmth presses against Seokmin, and the fight or flight drains out of him as the warmth tucks himself close, exactly the way Seokmin wanted to do during the concert. In front of everyone. The world may hate Jisoo for what they think he's done, but Seokmin loves Jisoo far more than they can hate him.
Shaky arms wrap around Seokmin's middle. Jisoo’s hands are cold, he notes. But the rest of him is warm. Jisoo must have been out here a while. Seokmin’s heart twists and chokes the words he wants to say back down. Before he can lose his courage, he pulls Jisoo half into his lap, wrapping the sides of his own jacket around him. He’s shivering but Seokmin can’t tell if it’s from crying or cold.
“Shua-hyung. Shua-hyung. You scared me.” The words scrape against the back of his throat.
Jisoo strangles a laugh out. It's tinged with hysteria and Seokmin wants nothing more than to pick Jisoo up in the little pieces he's fallen into and put them in his pockets. He wants to say something stupid like “Let’s run away.” The world has proven itself over and over that it doesn’t deserve Jisoo. Seokmin is willing, a thousand times over, to be the villain that takes him away.
“Seokmin-ah. I'm sorry.” Jisoo forces his mouth into a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Seokmin hates it, hates it, hates it, more than anything in the world.
“Don't be sorry. You've had it hard.” The younger man reaches for Jisoo’s hands behind him, enveloping them in his own. He brings them to his mouth to blow over them gently, rubbing over each cold finger with his palms.
The older man hums, not meeting Seokmin’s eyes. He seems far away already. “Mom said I could go home to her. If I wanted to.”
So he was talking to his mom. It’s morning, or afternoon in LA. Seokmin can understand. As of this moment, Jisoo is half next to him but half gone already. The question hangs unanswered in the hesitation. For good? Is this it? Is it over?
Jisoo fixes him with those eyes, swimming in melancholy. Time feels like it’s frozen in the space between them. Seokmin is an insect trapped in those amber eyes for the rest of eternity. A fleeting thought crosses the creek of his mind. This is how Jisoo would look at him if he died. Jisoo is right next to him, and he’s mourning a life he hasn’t finished living.
Desperation is a familiar ghost that claws up Seokmin’s throat. It possesses him with little refrain and he crushes Jisoo in his embrace. “Don't leave. Don't leave.” His chest aches where he can feel the rabbit-fast pace of Jisoo's heart against his own. He doesn’t want a world where he and Jisoo never cross paths again.
There’s a bob in Jisoo’s throat against his shoulder. “They want me to. I heard Jeonghan and Seungcheol talk. The company wants me out. I’m collateral.” Hearing his world tell him he is nothing more but damage stirs at the coals of Seokmin’s anger. Jisoo has done nothing but give. He bleeds kindness. He bleeds love. He does anything people ask him to. Seokmin just wants Jisoo to be happy here. For people to treat him as he deserves. Is that a lot to ask for?
“No. We will stop them. You know this. We won't go on without you.”
“But I've ruined things. The company-”
“Fuck the company. We will protect you. It's SEVENTEEN or nothing.” What Seokmin doesn't say is: It's you or nothing.
And to Seokmin, a future without singing is dark. But a future without Jisoo is unimaginable.
Seokmin tries. He really tries to convey this. He thumbs at the dampness under Jisoo’s eyes, clutches both his hands to his heart. It’s like running toward a plane crash while it’s still happening. But if Seokmin plays this right, they’ll both live.
"Seokmin-ah... tell me, what you really think of me?" Jisoo whispers, the sea in his eyes turning to stone. He pushes Seokmin away so gently it hurts. His touch leaves fire in its wake. All the world narrows down to this moment. Seokmin’s read it in a book somewhere.
You only confess your weaknesses, your wrongs, right before you ask someone to love you.
The ball is in Seokmin’s court now.
The next words are merely a rumble in Seokmin’s throat, but to Jisoo, it is an earthquake that tears down the cruel world around him. A calloused hand tucks the stray lock of Jisoo’s hair behind his ear. Seokmin strips his jacket off to wrap it around the brightest point of light in the world, and surrenders himself to the ocean of affection for the torn-down boy he loves, at 4.36am in the morning in a foreign country, when all the world is asleep. He makes sure that his world is looking him in the eyes before he says it.
"I think… that Jisoo-hyung, is the kindest person in the world."
Jisoo takes a moment to process it, staring into Seokmin’s eyes. That moment feels like the longest few seconds of Seokmin’s life. He feels like he is standing in front of God. Maybe, some many years later, Seokmin thinks, the judgement of his soul won't even compare to the gravity of these few seconds.
Jisoo finally cracks, and buries his face in the fabric of Seokmin's shirt, where he gasps around a sob that shakes his whole body. He tugs Seokmin a little closer, like holding him could put the oxygen back in his lungs, and Seokmin lets him. Reciprocates. For Jisoo, he would gladly be the star to guide him back home. For Jisoo, anything.
“Min-ah, it hurts. My heart hurts. I don't want it to hurt anymore.” The love of his life confesses quietly, in between sobs.
“Jisoo-ya, I know. You've been so strong. I'm here now. I will always be here.” Seokmin pulls him impossibly closer, rocking him slowly in his embrace. If he could, he'd take Jisoo's heart from him and give him his own. The idea of Jisoo hurting hurts him tenfold in return. But he has to hold on when Jisoo is falling apart into him like this. More than ever, because he loves Jisoo.
Seokmin waits, holds Jisoo reverently like he is the only thing that matters in the world. (He is.) His boy weeps and every gasp and teardrop sinks through to Seokmin's heart. By the time Jisoo stops, Seokmin thinks his heart is raw with it, his flesh is tender, hurting.
“Thank you, Seokmin-ah.” Jisoo pulls away. His voice is hoarse but his sincerity is bright on his face.
“I love you. So much.” is what Seokmin replies while taking Jisoo's hand. It is the truth.
When they get back to the hotel, no one has even noticed they’ve been gone. Like a dream. A long, long dream. Seokmin’s cast a line, Jisoo’s caught it and he’s dragged Jisoo out of the lake. Jisoo washes his face. Seokmin throws the abandoned jacket on top of their luggage. Jisoo makes him stand within a meter's distance of him at all times. Seokmin has no complaints about this.
Seokmin only swallows his surprise when Jisoo climbs into his bed instead of his own. He’s all long limbs and cold skin, but Seokmin knows what to do anyway. They’ve done this countless times. Jisoo climbs into the arms of his favourite person in the world and he is warm, warmer than the sun.
~
The rumours die down. Seokmin’s feelings do not. He follows Jisoo around like a puppy. Not that Jisoo minds at all. He gives and gives like his heart is bottomless and Jisoo takes it, keeps taking it and returns it tenfold. Every hug is returned warmly, every praise reflected back to him. He never has to worry about giving it, because Jisoo is always giving back.
He’s always around Jisoo, watching over him, looking after him, listening to his every word. Even if he’s the younger one, he will do this for as long as Jisoo lets him. If Jisoo is a star, Seokmin wants to be the sky that holds him. If he can help it, Jisoo will never be alone again.
Seokmin thinks the world can only dream of having hands as good as Jisoo’s. Of having a face as kind as his. A heart as full and loving as his. Everyone dreams of what it's like to be loved by a man like Jisoo. And that makes Seokmin the luckiest man in the world, just being able to see Jisoo shine in front of him instead of through a screen. To hold and be held by those hands, to hear his loving words. To be closer to him than anyone else. To be endeared to the brightest point of light in his universe, is not Seokmin’s only endeavour, but it is his most cherished one.
That the universe has allowed Seokmin to exist at the same time, and in such proximity to Hong Jisoo, is destiny. Jisoo was born to be loved. Seokmin hopes he can be the one to do that, in this life.
It’s cold in the studio and they’re filming the music video for their new comeback and Seokmin is inches apart from Jisoo, whose hands tremble. No one notices, because of how good Jisoo’s poker face is, but Seokmin is never not paying attention to him. His fingers shake in the air but Jisoo, sweet and considerate, stays still so their makeup artists can sponge the foundation onto his face.
Call him dramatic but Seokmin is quick to grasp his hand and intertwine their fingers. His thumb runs over the joints of Jisoo’s thumb in comfort. His fingers are like blocks of ice, stinging against the warm palm of his hand but Seokmin doesn’t mind at all. This earns him a grateful look from Jisoo, whose eyes twinkle like the whole night sky under the backdrop of the camera lights. All is right in the world again.
Jisoo does a little swing with their hands and his dimples appear like ripples on the surface of a lake. He’s still looking at Seokmin like he is all he wants the world to be, just the both of them. His happiness is so radiant, Seokmin feels sunburnt all over his face.
Unfortunately, the cameraman for the Behind The Scenes montage seems to have the worst timing. He shows up just in time to capture a shot of them holding hands, and Jisoo, understandably, panics. He doesn’t flinch but for a moment, he goes wide-eyed at the camera. Then he laughs, acknowledging their linked hands. Seokmin plays along, grinning wide for the camera.
The next few moments feel like a car crash in slow motion. Jisoo’s words hit Seokmin like a punch to the head.
“We can never be together.”
What Jisoo doesn’t expect, is Seokmin to be quick on the uptake.
“I know.”
Jisoo flashes a wan smile, but gets that faraway look again, like he’s seeing into a future behind Seokmin. A reality beyond both of them. If Seokmin wasn’t already holding his hand, he thinks Jisoo might dissolve into light. And Seokmin has only seen him like this once. He remembers how, not long ago, Jisoo was drowning. The older boy is smiling for the camera, but Seokmin can see the ocean in his eyes again, like it never really died down. So he casts another lifeline.
“Let me know if you’re ever cold. I’ll always be right here.” He tells Jisoo, with as much sincerity as he can muster. Jisoo had said those words, so quickly, so quietly, like they hurt to even hold on his tongue. If there’s anything Seokmin knows, it’s that he didn’t mean it. Jisoo is nothing but sincere. The words are false but the sadness is tangible, like a ghost that lays across Jisoo’s shoulders.
If Jisoo ever told him to stop, to stop looking at him, clinging to him, following him, Seokmin would do it in the blink of an eye. But, he has to mean it. He has to want it first.
The love of his life brings their hands up closer to his heart and playfully fakes a gagging noise. Just like that, Seokmin’s put the stars back in his eyes again. The cameraman cuts the camera just then to go situate at the front for the group performance, and that’s when Jisoo, unfettered by anyone else but their members’ watchful gazes, leans in to peck Seokmin on the cheek. Reassurance.
“I hope you’ll keep your promise on that.” He whispers. To Seokmin, the world feels like it is just two of them again. Jisoo’s eyes shine with an affection more precious than any jewel in the world. One that he reserves only for intimate moments like this, Seokmin who is most endearing, most beloved to his heart.
“I don’t make promises I can’t keep.” Seokmin reassures him in return.
~
Seokmin always thinks Jisoo is beautiful. But he’s most beautiful when he’s free, and happy. It’s a Saturday afternoon, the sky is a bright pastel blue and the sun is resting behind a few swathes of white clouds. It’s finally summer, so Jisoo had requested this date with him, and cleared his schedule weeks in advance, just to have this afternoon all to themselves.
They’re walking along the beach after lunch. Jisoo drove them all the way out in a manager’s car, and had looked amazing while doing it. Seokmin’s job was to sit in the passenger seat and admire him, or so Jisoo claims. He always notices Jisoo but he’s practically blinding Seokmin with radiance at this point. Jisoo’s dressed in a sea blue button-up shirt, hair tousled back, skin glowing. Around his neck is the daisy pendant he only wears on special occasions. His lips are covered in a strawberry lip balm Seokmin knows he keeps all to himself in his handbag because of how much he didn’t want the members to borrow it.
He had told Seokmin to dress up nicely for this date as well. Seokmin is not one to deny him, and so he’s put on his best white shirt. With how much Jisoo’s dressed up, Seokmin is expecting a surprise. Like maybe an early birthday celebration. For both of them. Maybe there’s a cake in the boot. Or Jisoo will buy one later. Whatever it is, it is very welcome and Seokmin will be patient.
Jisoo strolls along the tide, having abandoned his sandals at their picnic mat. He runs down the beach, kicking up sand, seeing how many footprints he can make before they’re washed away by the waves. Seokmin watches him, following closely.
The boy who owns Seokmin’s world laughs, like the sound of summer rain in a garden from a few meters down the beach. He spreads his arms, embracing the sky, and closes his eyes, swaying in the sea breeze. He looks like heaven returning home. Seokmin takes some pictures for their socials, but some of them he saves to a special folder on his phone. Some intimacies the world need not see, nor understand.
Jisoo shakes his head when he sees Seokmin snapping photos. He spreads his arms even wider. “Come here!”, he beckons. Seokmin obeys, throwing his phone into his pocket and running to him immediately.
He tackles Jisoo in a bear hug, who yelps in delight at the frontal attack. The moment his arms encircle Jisoo, strong arms sling around his neck so he and Jisoo are close and face to face. All of Seokmin’s thoughts fly out of his head.
“Hi, Seokmin-ah.” Jisoo says quietly around the wind whipping around them.
“Hi, Jisoo.” Seokmin can’t help the fond smile that comes onto his face.
Jisoo hums a songless melody in acknowledgement, and takes his time to stare at Seokmin through those long lashes. His stare roams all over Seokmin, painting him in honey. Seokmin likes it. He loves it.
He seizes the opportunity to study the apple of Jisoo’s cheek, the corner of his eye, the end of his eyebrow religiously. He sweeps his gaze over Jisoo’s tousled hair, the valley of his collarbones, the slope of his neck. In the body Seokmin is holding, is the kindest heart and a love so great it will outlive the world. All in a single boy.
How could he not hold Jisoo, like he is holy? Like he is born to be loved?
Boy-god looks into Seokmin’s soul, with those umber eyes, and tells him to wait. Seokmin does. The hands that were resting against his nape fly back to Jisoo as he extricates himself from the embrace.
He leaves enough distance between Seokmin and him as he walks backwards, further into the sea. The water laps at his knees, soaking his pants, and Jisoo seems to pay it no mind, his gaze still fixed on Seokmin. Seokmin doesn’t know if Jisoo wants him to run to him, or to run away. He could do both, but if there’s anything he will never do, it’s running away from Jisoo.
It’s the middle of one of Korea’s warmest summers, and Jisoo and Seokmin are 30 and 28, by the beach. It’s the middle of one of Korea’s warmest summers when Hong Jisoo stops dead in his tracks, opens his arms and says words that will change Seokmin’s life.
“Seokmin-ah, I’m freezing.”
Jisoo is smiling. He is still the centre of the world. Seokmin’s universe may have gotten bigger, but it has not changed a bit. Seokmin blinks. Then he surges forward, faster than the tide, an unstoppable force, all at once. He sweeps Jisoo into an embrace that rivals the sun that beats down on them from above. His hands are burning, burning, burning to touch Jisoo, to melt into him fully. His boy wraps his arms so tightly around him that Seokmin thinks it’s alright if he doesn’t breathe again. Who needs oxygen when you have Hong Jisoo? The point of Jisoo’s chin is digging into his shoulder, but Seokmin hardly cares. He hardly cares about anything other than Jisoo right now.
“Do you mean it?” He cups Jisoo’s face, pulling apart just to confirm. Just to be sure.
Jisoo doesn’t even nod twice before cradling Seokmin’s face in his hands, and tasting the yearning right out of his mouth by kissing him. Fireworks burst to life behind Seokmin’s eyes as deepens the kiss, pressing his lips firmly against Jisoo’s. The hum that Jisoo makes sounds like heaven, and his hands are searing against the nape of his neck, as they wander through his hair. Jisoo tastes like vanilla and strawberry lip balm and Seokmin’s heart is thundering in the wake of the love he has for Jisoo, a flooding warmth like coming home, again and again and again.
Seokmin’s kissed many people in his life, but Hong Jisoo is on a level of his own. This kiss alone is worth 10 years of waiting. Jisoo fits against him like a puzzle piece he didn’t know he needed.
“Thank you for waiting endlessly. You don’t have to wait any longer.” Jisoo says breathlessly, reading his mind. Seokmin presses their foreheads together. They’re standing in the middle of the ocean and all he can smell is Jisoo’s woody fragrance. He inhales deeply, before leaning back in again.
On a Saturday afternoon, Seokmin and Jisoo kiss for the second time on a beach where no one is watching. Seokmin wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
“Thank you for coming to me. Ten years ago.” He tells Jisoo the truth, a truth he’s repeated, over and over. Jisoo mouths “of course” against his lips, as they bask in each other’s light, and the new, beautiful future that awaits them
When they break apart, Jisoo suddenly yells like he is about to start scolding him.
“Lee Seokmin!” It startles Seokmin enough that Jisoo can press a kiss to his lips and start to run away, towards the car.
“I love you!” He laughs while maniacally sprinting backwards on his escape route.
“I love you, Jisoo-ya!”
Seokmin’s heart races as he runs toward the love of his life again. Always, only, to him.