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“Don’t you wish there were more girls here?”
They threw the gridball back-and-forth with practiced ease in front of his house. After two seasons of tossing it around with Alex, the farmer started to get some—emphasis on some—hand-eye coordination. A skill he never had any interest in until he came to Pelican town, but he could say that about a lot of things since moving in.
“Uh,” Eddie gripped the ball in both hands, squeezing it slightly. They had never spoken about girls, it’s not something the farmer was interested in. Being that he’s, y’know, gay and very much has a lame crush on Alex. But he didn’t know that. How could he? Vulnerability wasn’t a subject they delved into as friends. “I’ve never really thought about it. Don’t you have, like, a thing with Haley?”
Eddie tossed the ball back and Alex caught it with one hand, gesticulating vaguely with the other. “I mean—we have like a thing but not a thing. Y’know? We don’t work together, we’ve tried, but we help each other out when we need to. You get what I mean?”
The farmer tried not to frown. He liked Haley, she was fine, but he couldn’t help the ugly jealousy that roiled in his chest whenever he was confronted with their history and comfort with each other. “Yeah, I get it. So you’re looking for a girlfriend and not a hookup?”
Alex tossed the ball back. “Maybe?”
“Well,” Eddie gripped the ball again, squeezing it aggressively with both hands, pretending it was Alex’s dumb head. It felt like torture to have the thing he wanted waved so carelessly, so aggressively in front of his face. “Plenty of people come from out of town during the festivals. You could also take a vacation to the city and see if you could meet someone, to hookup or date or whatever. There’s a bunch of girls in Zuzu.”
The sun began to set, painting the side of the house and Alex’s profile in golden light. It was painful how pretty the guy is, even more painful when he talked about things the farmer would gladly give him if he had just had the right equipment. He had this slightly dreamy look at the prospect of finding someone that Eddie wished was a look Alex would give when thinking about him… But he knew tomorrow he’d forget about it, or at least try to, in an attempt to keep their friendship intact. It was hard, though, as his want only grew stronger with every evening spent together.
Eddie tossed the ball back, one last time, then they made their way into the house without a word. They had agreed a while ago to wrap their games up at sunset so Evelyn didn’t have to shuffle outside to call them for dinner.
Back in Alex’s room, after saying hello to the Mullners, they closed the door and the guy asked: “You’ve never thought about it?”
“No.” Eddie shrugged and sat in the chair pressed against the wall. Partial lie—he’d thought about it plenty since moving in. Relationships, hooking up, all of it swirling around in his mind in a torturous cycle when he was struck with how lonely the farm was. He just hadn’t noticed the quantity of available women in town, specifically.
“I get there’s a lot of girls off limits here, but you’re a nice and good-looking guy!”
Eddie’s chest seized at the compliment. “The farm takes a lot of my time.”
“Well,” Alex unzipped his hoodie and tossed it onto his bed. He bent over and lifted his dumbbells to his chest—they helped him think better, he told the farmer once. “Why don’t we take a boys trip to Zuzu and pick up some chicks? I make a good wingman and I’ve never been to the city alone before so it would work out for both of us!”
“I don’t think so.”
“Dude—why?”
“Not really my thing.”
Alex dropped the dumbbells back to his sides, face screwed up as he began to ramble on about Eddie not needing to be insecure. And he’s really good with girls, and farming isn’t everything he deserves a social life. But the thing was, he does have a social life! He spent his free time with Alex and his grandparents, hung out with Harvey from time-to-time, fished with Willy on rainy days, and helped Robin replenish her stores for projects. That was enough for him to be content and happy!
But the jock kept going, and going, until Eddie started blocking out his words and just watched his expressions change, mouth move, and shoulders wiggle. The guy wasn’t going to give it up, he realized then. Even if Alex let it go today, he’ll surely bring it back up tomorrow and the next week because the fucker was determined.
It was one of Eddie’s favorite qualities about him. Until now.
The farmer looked out the window as the sky went from an orange-pink to a light purple. It was getting late, he should probably go home if he was going to get out of talking about this. The only other option was to be honest. It was the perfect opportunity to throw everything out there and not have to harbor secrets anymore. But then, he considered, in his pessimistic way, the inevitable consequences.
“It’s not like you have a thing for someone here?”
“Yes,” Eddie replied without thinking. The room went slow at the admittance, eyes dragging across the postered walls to look Alex in the eye, and it gave him a touch of vertigo. He might be sick. Then he said with finality: “I do.”
“You do.”
“I do like someone. In town.”
“You never told me that.” Alex frowned and stopped his reps.
“You never asked.” Which was just as true. “But it doesn’t matter, I’m not going to do anything about it. I just want to like this person and not, y’know, play the field or whatever. I like the feeling of having a crush, as corny as that sounds.”
Alex did one rep, half-heartedly and not fully, then dropped his arms back down. “Who is it?”
Eddie shook his head, then shrugged. He looked out the window again and the light purple turned into an angry violet, stars flickered awake slowly. He should leave.
“Is it Haley? It’s totally cool if it is.”
That shocked the farmer enough to make him almost break his neck to look back at Alex. He let out an awkward, loud laugh that shocked him enough to make his own hair stand on end. “Oh Yoba, no. Absolutely not. I mean she’s fine, pretty and all, but no. No, no, no.”
Alex laughed a little, nodded sagely: “Not into blondes. Got it.”
Eddie felt a twist in his stomach. He should really go home.
“I don’t really ever see you hanging around anyone in town, like not the girls at least. Maybe I’m missing it because of my runs and the ice cream booth.”
“I spend a decent amount of time with them.” He should really leave, his stomach was starting to hurt. With wobbly legs he stood from his chair and started putting on his jacket that he didn’t remember taking off.
Alex dropped his dumbbells on his bed; they bounced for a moment and worried the farmer that they’d come tumbling down onto the jock’s foot. But they didn’t. Alex stood with his arms crossed over his chest almost like he was pouting. “You’re not going to tell me, are you?”
There was a quiet knock on the door, the handle jiggled, and Evelyn popped her head in with a soft smile. “Dinner’s ready boys. Eddie, dear, are you staying? I would be happy to set a spot for you.”
He smiled, “No ma’am. Gotta head back and hit the pillow. One of my sheep is pregnant and the little lamb should arrive any day now, so I gotta be ready. But I really appreciate the offer.”
“That’s wonderful! Well I hope it’s a healthy baby when it comes.” She reached through the sliver of the doorway and patted his elbow before closing it again.
It had been a week since they hung out. Eddie was busy and Alex was spending a lot more time with Haley, which didn’t really surprise him. They bumped into each other a couple times, said hello, talked about Alex’s practice and the lamb on the way, then parted again. Eddie missed him, more than a friend should, and it wasn’t until the sun was beginning to set that it started to eat at him.
The second week was nearing its close when he realized that he hadn’t seen Alex around town at all. Eddie should have gone to Evelyn to ask where he’d gone, at the very least George, but somehow his feet had run him all the way to the forest to catch Haley by the pond taking photos. She would know, not the harmless reason he would have given his grandparents, but the real reason and the real place he’d run off to.
“Hey!” Eddie panted as he sidled up next to her, hands in his jacket pockets. He could feel a small bead of sweat dripping down the back of his neck.
She ignored him, clicking away at her camera.
“It’s nice to see you, Haley.” Eddie cleared his throat, “I was just wondering–”
“Where Alex is, I know.” She clicked the camera again then began walking around the pond away from him. Eddie, desperate and lame, chased after her.
“Yeah–Yes. I just wanted to make sure he was okay since we haven’t really hung out recently. I know he can get really down sometimes and I worry. I’ve seen you guys together… a lot. So–”
She put her camera down and smiled at him. It wasn’t very nice. “Jealous?”
Frankly he wanted to say: yes, yes I am. Seething with jealousy actually every time I see you laughing and grabbing his arm. Instead he shrugged. “Just wanted to make sure my friend was okay. We had a weird conversation the last time we saw each other and I just worried he got some weird ideas or got mad at me or something.”
“He told me about that.” It was the way that she leered at him that made him want to turn and run. Like it could possibly be true, Alex was mad at him, for a multitude of possible reasons and each one made his chest cave in a little bit more. “He’s just in Zuzu City trying to figure some things out. What he wants, what he doesn’t want. What this new information that we discussed could mean. Et cetera, or whatever.”
“What… new information…?”
“Well, he said that you liked someone in town and that it wasn’t me. Which, poor taste on your part, but it’s fine, you’re not my type anyway.”
Eddie frowned, pulled his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms over his chest. “Okay, but what does that matter? How is that such crazy new information that he goes to Zuzu without saying anything?”
“Well,” She shrugged her pretty tan shoulders. It made her hair bounce slightly and he could understand, in an objective way at the very least, why Alex finds her so beautiful. “I told him that you’re gay.”
It was like the earth tilted at that moment. Everything seemed to go left, diagonal and stuttered, and everything went hot then cold until Eddie was sweating in earnest. If he was breathing he couldn’t feel it because his body had turned to cement. Haley kept talking as if Eddie wasn’t having the most earth shattering panic attack of his life. He might actually throw up on her shoes.
“You–” His voice sounded so small and far away. “You told him I’m…”
Haley paused and rolled her eyes. “Yeah? It’s not like you’re trying to hide it. Just about everyone knows, or at least everyone that's cool with it knows. You know what I mean? Like they see you and can tell and it’s like whatever—like me.”
“I might throw up on your shoes.”
“Farmer boy, it’s okay.” She said and stepped back a few paces. “You’re not the only one in town that’s gay if that’s what you’re worried about. You know Elliot is and Abigail and I’m pretty sure that M–”
“I don’t care that the town knows I’m gay!” His hands came to his hair, tugging at the damp strands at the front. This was it. This was the end and it was happening so much sooner than he was ready for. “I care if Alex knows I’m gay!”
“Why? He’s not homophobic, relax.”
“I know you know why.” Eddie hissed at her. Tears began to well in his eyes and his hands dropped from his hair to cover them. He didn’t want to cry in front of her. It’s not that they were pathetic sad tears—he was sad of course, he wanted to be the one to tell Alex one day when their friendship felt more solid and he was scared he’d leave-–they were frustrated tears. Overwhelmed tears. Maybe even a little bit of misery.
Neither of them moved while he wept, neither spoke. There was a shift in the air when Haley’s cool-girl bravado deflated into sympathy, her large presence turned somewhat human-sized. Eddie knew she wasn’t a mean girl, she was nice under all the little quips and jabs. But right then, by the pond in the middle of the day, as he found out the guy he likes who is also his closest friend probably will never speak to the farmer again, Eddie decided he really didn’t like her.
A light pressure came to his shoulder and he wiped his hands away to see Haley looking at him like she was sorry. “You really don’t have anything to worry about. That’s why he went to Zuzu, by himself. To see what he wants to do with this new information. Do you get what I mean?”
“No, but I don’t know if I want to know.”
“Look… He’ll be back in a few days and everything will be fine. Trust me. I’d like to think I know Alex pretty well.”
Eddie’s stomach soured and he shrugged her off. Flashes of their intimacy, something he’ll never know anything about, flew through his imagination. “You don’t really know everything’s going to be fine though, Haley. I’ve done this song and dance before and it always ends up with me getting a bruised rib or finding myself completely alone. He may not be homophobic or anything, but guys act differently when they find out a dude—let alone their friend—likes them.”
“Don’t put Alex in a box with those guys. He’s not like that and you know it!” She shoved his shoulder slightly and he let her move him.
The farmer didn’t want to put the jock in that box, he knew it was fucked up and completely undeserved, but he couldn’t stop himself or the spiral he felt himself sinking into. People had let him down so many times before, he didn’t know how else to think.
“It’s—It’s—“ Eddie raised his hands in the air for a moment, his muscles clenched in anger just to release as a new wave of tears came over him. He wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve and started to back away from Haley towards the south farm entrance. “It’s fine. Thanks for the heads up. I hope he figures out whatever he’s… whatever…”
Eddie hadn’t left the farm in three days. The lamb still hadn’t come and the fall season was coming to a close with the icy wind of winter knocking on the windows come nightfall.
He filled the silos, mucked the barns, prepped the heaters, he’d even finished out all his crops and tilled so the last day of the season he could solely focus on the animals. Everyone had been accounted for, taken care of, and Eddie couldn’t bring himself to leave the big barn to do anything else. Robin came over a few days before and helped him build a sectioned off pen for the sheep to keep her from the other animals. He’d filled it with the best hay bedding, a trough of water, and settled himself in there with her for company and peace of his own mind.
When he finally settled down into a good, clean spot, he pulled an apple from his jacket pocket and sliced it into pieces with his pocket knife and fed her. She seemed happy at this princess treatment.
“I would really appreciate it if you would start your labor soon,” He told her as he handed her another slice. “I don’t want to sleep out here with you and the baby if they come on the first day of winter, just to keep them warm. But I will do it.”
She bleated at him and crowded closer to try to get the apple from his hand. He pushed her nose away with a smile, took his own bite of the apple, and then handed the rest to her. It couldn’t be long now, her belly was low and every bit of her swollen parts were signalling her body was ready for mothering. The farmer watched her for a while, hoping beyond hope that he could will it to being.
A few hours later, right before sunset, there was a knock on the barn door before it opened. Harvey walked through with a small smile and a medical bag in hand, Evelyn behind him with a tupperware, and Alex.
Eddie’s knees almost buckled when he saw him. He was so handsome and Eddie had missed him so much.
“Evening.” The farmer leaned in a forced nonchalant gesture on the pen wall. “What brings you folks over here? Everything okay?”
“Evelyn mentioned she hadn’t heard from you in a while and asked if I’d come over and take a look.” Harvey smiled and shrugged. “I have no experience with animals, but their hearts beat just the same as ours so I’m sure there’s something I could do.”
“And I knew you’d be working yourself half to death so I brought you some chowder to make sure you get some food in you.”
Eddie gave a wobbly smile. “I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me that you’d worry so much.”
Evelyn shoved the tupperware into Alex’s hands then shuffled over to make Eddie lean down over the wall to give her an awkward hug. She patted his back a few times. “Of course, dear, you’re like family to us. A second grandson I was blessed to get!”
The sheep let out a loud long moan and they broke away from their tenderness to watch her. She began to pace the pen in a way that must mean it’s time because Harvey was suddenly up and over with his bag, stethoscope in his hand.
Alex came to the fence, chowder awkwardly in hand. “Hey.”
“Hi…” Eddie tried not to look at him, tried to focus on Harvey and the sheep. “How was your trip?”
“Good, good.” He bobbed his head. “Really… eye opening.”
“Haley said you went by yourself. Were you nervous?”
“When I first got there, yeah. It was much bigger than I thought it’d be and meeting new people was hard. I really wished you were there… But I ended up having fun and meeting a lot of nice guys.”
The sheep laid down with heavy pants that shook her whole body. Harvey, his stethoscope in one hand while the other prodded her stomach, gave them a smile. “Everything feels like it’s going to move in the right direction, heartbeats are normal. Looks like she just wanted an audience!”
It almost made him laugh, the idea that she held her baby in—this part of her, this thing made out of love—because she wanted it to be witnessed. Eddie didn’t understand how that felt, always hiding the bits of himself—the loving bits, the lovely bits—to be safe from affirmation of that desire. He wanted to though. He wanted to be so honest, so badly.
But was he brave enough? Alex knew already, Haley told him, and he was there in the barn while the sun disappeared and his sheep was in labor. He didn’t have to be, yet he was, and is that enough?
Her water broke, then came the feet and a small nose. After the first tease appearance it happened so quickly that no one spoke, they all just stood and watched as nature took its course. And then there was a lamb, black as soot.
The mother hastened over and licked her fresh, new baby clean. Evelyn let out a quiet sob, hand pressed to her chest. “Isn’t that just beautiful!”
“It’s the first animal ever born on the farm.”
“Well congratulations are in order, farmer!” Harvey pulled himself up and out of the pen. His pants had particles of hay clinging to it, but he seemed oblivious and happy. “I would offer to buy you a beer but it’s—quarter past eight already. Tomorrow, though?”
Evelyn gasped. “It’s so late! George is going to have a fit about dinner being late. I ought to go dear, but please come to the house soon to see me. I want to know how the little lamb is doing with its first week of life.”
She pulled the farmer down into a hug, giving a quick rub to his back, and shuffled out the barn door. He went after her, worried about her making it back to town in the dark, but as he came to the doorway Harvey called out that he would make sure she got home safe. Alex came to the doorway, still holding the tupperware of chowder, and lingered.
“You’re not going with her?”
The jock shook his head. “Harvey can take care of it, don’t worry. I want to make sure you’re good here before I head back anyways.”
Eddie felt his stomach twist uneasily and made himself go back into the barn while Alex waited. He double checked that the pen’s hay was warm enough, filled the water trough again, and triple checked the heater. He made a mental note to install a single bulb above the pen, off the main light track, to keep it lit while not disturbing the rest of the barn, tomorrow. The farmer repeated the mental list over and over as he walked out the door and locked it, trying desperately to keep his mind from wandering.
It was inevitable, Eddie knew as he shut the livestock gate behind himself, that once they made it to the porch he was going to have to be honest, be real. It was nauseating and horrifying, but he owed it to himself to rip off the bandaid and know where they stood instead of making himself sick day after day.
He felt himself begin to sweat under his arms as he walked up the stairs to the front door while Alex stood at the bottom, unmoving. His friend looked as if he was about to say something, but Eddie rushed out: “So, did the trip help? To figure out whatever it was you were trying to figure out.”
“Yeah, definitely.” He was smiling, it was warm and sweet and Eddie felt his knees almost buckle under him. Whatever was next wouldn’t be cruel and yet that knowledge did nothing to soothe his anxious heart. “I thought I was going to be surprised and freaked out about it, but it felt… really normal? I think the guys—the ones I met at the club I went to-–really helped it be easy to come to terms with since they were so nice. Totally different vibe than Pelican town.”
Everything sounded so alien to him coming out of Alex’s mouth. He couldn’t picture the guy in a club, let alone the city, but he was glad that he ended up having a good time. Without the farmer, sure, which created a pit of regret in his stomach, but it wasn’t about him. Not really.
And yet that didn’t stop Eddie from turning the conversation to himself because the vagueness of it all was killing him. “Haley told you I’m gay.”
“Uh, yeah. She did.” He looked shocked.
“And you’re okay with that?” He had to know.
Alex’s brows furrowed. “Yeah, of course? I mean… like… I just said that—”
“I know you said you weren’t homophobic and I’m so glad for that. Really I am. The fact that you went all the way to the city to meet other queer people to make sure you didn’t hate me is like, so awesome. But she said—she said she knew that I…” Suddenly it felt like his throat was closing and he couldn’t get the words out fast enough. Eddie’s hand came to rub at his neck under the collar of his shirt to try to soothe himself. “Dear Yoba, she said she knew that I like you and she kind of told you I like you and I just want–I just want you to know that I would never… I don’t want you to hate me because I wouldn’t do anything, I swear.”
“Dude–” Alex came up the stairs and Eddie backed up instinctively.
“It’s just a crush, it’ll go away! Our friendship means so much to me that I would never try to jeopardize it. And I respect you, man, and know you’re straight–”
The tupperware made a soft sound as the other man put it on the bench beside the front door. Eddie backed up so far that his back collided with the side of the house, the outdoor light right above his head and moths buzzed around him like crazy. It was dark, but the stars and the moon and the light made it feel like there was a spotlight on them.
Alex crowded into the farmer’s space, causing Eddie to close his eyes and flinch away, and then there was softness. No pain or aches or bruising but a softness that knocked the wind out of his lungs. Alex held Eddie’s face in his hands and waited for his friend to look at him. When Eddie did, cracking one eye open slightly before blinking fully open. He may have stopped breathing. Alex smiled.
“You don’t get it. I went to the city to see if, you know, I liked that you liked me. I’ve never had a guy like me before, at least I don’t think so.” He rubbed his thumb over Eddie’s cheek and it made the farmer tremble. “It didn’t bother me when she said you’re gay, it bothered me that you had told me you liked someone in town. I couldn’t figure out who it was and she kind of walked me through it. I didn’t want to like, experiment or whatever with you to see why it bothered me. That felt super fucked up.”
“So you went to a club in the city,” Eddie whispered.
“Yeah.”
“And you weren’t grossed out?”
“Well,” Alex shrugged and his face twisted. “I was kind of grossed out, but not because of the guy. Who I only kissed, by the way. But because he wasn’t… you know…”
“Wasn’t what?”
Alex let out a long, exasperated breath, then pressed his forehead to Eddie’s. The farmer’s legs tingled and stomach felt like it plummeted to his feet. He couldn’t breathe. “Man, I’m supposed to be the moron, not you. I was freaked because the guy wasn’t you, not that he was a guy. I’m pretty sure I’ve been gay for you for a while but I didn’t realize that I was being super gay about you. Like, it didn’t occur to me that it was an option.”
“You like me?”
“Yeah man, I really like you.”
Eddie burst into a relieved, chest shaking laughter and reached out to grip the front of Alex’s jacket. He didn’t want Alex to pull away. He kind of wanted to cry. “Don’t call me man after you say you like me!”
“What am I supposed to call you? Buddy? Dude? Baby?”
Suddenly his face grew hot, his hands gripped Alex’s jacket tighter, and he lunged himself forward to hide his face in his shoulder. It was humiliating and exciting and too much, too quickly. Having that word, spoken by that man, directly to him? Eddie might die, he was sure of it.
“Ah, I think I figured out which you like.” Alex laughed and it shook the farmer.
“I hate all of them actually.”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to start going down the list, farmer boy. We’ve got time.”