Work Text:
[BEEP]
[A door opens with a loud creak, and footsteps echo through a large indoor space.]
branzycraft
There we go! Lifesteal corporate headquarters, all to ourselves.
clownpierce
Hm. Weird to see the place this empty, even on a Saturday.
branzycraft
Pff, not everybody's a workaholic like you. It's pretty normal to go home on a Saturday.
[Clown laughs.]
clownpierce
You say that like I don't see you here every weekend I'm in.
branzycraft
Hah, yeah. Look at us, two losers coming in to work on the holiday weekend.
clownpierce
[AMUSED] Losers? Don't say that about yourself, I'm excited to see what you've put together.
branzycraft
Aww, you're too sweet.
[Branzy giggles.]
[The door creaks open again.]
rekrap
Hello?
branzycraft
Parker! Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you could make it. Come in, come in!
rekrap
Hey, Branzy. Uh, hey Clown. What's up?
clownpierce
Not much.
rekrap
Yeah, yeah, gotcha, good to hear. Uh… I thought there was a teambuilding retreat today?
branzycraft
Yep! You're on it, mister.
rekrap
There's nobody here?
clownpierce
You're early.
branzycraft
He said it! We're still waiting on… pretty much half our people. Sit down, c'mon, make yourself comfortable.
rekrap
Wait, half the team? That's still, like, just six people.
branzycraft
Mhm, yeah, holiday weekend. Apparently people are going out of town.
clownpierce
To see their families.
branzycraft
To see their families! I mean, who does that?
[Rekrap chuckles awkwardly. The door creaks again.]
branzycraft
Vitalasy, hi! Get over here!
vitalasy
Hey man, how's it going?
branzycraft
Great, great, it's going great. You know me, I love a good retreat. What's up with you?
vitalasy
Oh, not much. Y'know.
rekrap
Um—hi! Nice to meet you… Vitalasy, right?
vitalasy
Yep, that's me. Have we met?
branzycraft
Oh, this is Rek. He's—well, he's not new, but he's been a bit hush-hush until recently. It's his first time, so… go easy on him?
[Vitalasy laughs.]
vitalasy
Alright, I got it.
[An elevator chimes and its door opens with a hydraulic woosh.]
squiddo
Hey guys!
branzycraft
Squiddo! Hi, so glad you could make it!
clownpierce
What were you doing already in the building, Squiddo? You know it's shut down for the long weekend.
squiddo
You don't need to worry about it ^-^
rekrap
[UNDER HIS BREATH] …How did she pronounce that?
clownpierce
Will I need to worry about it on Monday?
squiddo
You? …Not unless something goes wrong.
clownpierce
So, I will.
squiddo
Hey! When do I ever let things go wrong?
branzycraft
Supply closet, tenth floor? We lost three good janitors to that… thing.
jumperwho
Wait, why are we back on the supply closet incident?
rekrap
Jumper! Oh my god, I didn't hear you come up, sorry.
squiddo
[CROSSTALK] Don't call it an incident.
[Jumper laughs]
jumper
Don't sweat it. Hey, I didn't know you came to these.
squiddo
[CROSSSTALK] I mean, you'd think people would chill out about stuff eventually, right?
rekrap
It's my first, actually. Should I be scared?
[Rek laughs, clearly not afraid.]
squiddo
[CROSSTALK] It's an infinity mirror! Who doesn't love infinity mirrors?
vitalasy
[GENTLY] Well, usually an infinity mirror isn't… y'know, actually infinite.
[Squiddo scoffs.]
jumperwho
It's your first time and it's a small group? Seriously? Branzy!
branzycraft
What? He's a fun guy, Jumper, I like him.
rekrap
Aw, thanks.
branzycraft
Besides, Rek's chill. Right, Rek? He'll be cool about it.
clownpierce
It's a sink or swim world, Jumper. He's not going to get a life vest anywhere else, either.
jumperwho
I… yeah, fair enough, but isn't he…
squiddo
Human. He's human. :|
vitalasy
Hey, not all humans!
branzycraft
Yeah! Not all humans, Squiddo, don't give him that look.
rekrap
Uh… yeah, I don't—I feel like you're gonna eat me. Also, what? Are you guys… not human? What?
clownpierce
Actually, Squiddo isn't one of the ones you have to worry about eating you.
squiddo
[WITH DISTASTE] In the strictly literal sense.
clownpierce
Well, yes, there are always metaphors.
rekrap
…What?
clownpierce
It's alright, Rek. [AUDIBLY SMILING] You already know too much. There's no backing out now.
vitalasy
Hey, you'll be fine. Just don't freak out, okay?
rekrap
…Sure! Yep, okay, not freaking out. Not even a little bit.
branzycraft
See? I told you guys he's chill. Anyway, wanna head upstairs?
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
[The mechanical whine of an elevator partly covers the party's voices.]
squiddo
Hey, Rek. You ever wonder if there's something else in the elevator? :3 Or in the elevator shaft, y'know. Like where you can't see it.
rekrap
Sorry, what?
[Jumper gives a lighthearted sigh.]
jumperwho
Don't torment the newbie, Squiddo.
clownpierce
Or at least be subtle about it.
[Branzy laughs, somewhere between privately amused and awkward.]
branzycraft
Subtle… hah, yeah, that's a good one. I'll have to keep that in mind.
clownpierce
Oh, right, you don't really do subtle, do you? Hm. That's fine.
branzycraft
[PUT OUT] I hope it's fine, I was thinking about you. You're gonna love today's game, I promise.
rekrap
Ooh, games? I thought it was gonna be, like, a quizzes-and-chatting type of teambuilding thing.
branzycraft
What? Nah, that's boring. We're gonna have games. Well, a game. That's all you need, really, just one good game.
vitalasy
What's the game, then?
[Branzy giggles.]
branzycraft
You'll see! What's that saying? Good things come to those who are patient?
squiddo
It's nice things. Nice things come to those who are patient.
branzycraft
Are you sure? I could swear it was good things… maybe great things?
squiddo
Maybe, yeah. Great things to people who don't jump the gun.
branzycraft
Yeah, that's it for sure.
vitalasy
[QUIETLY] …What?
clownpierce
Let them have their fun.
vitalasy
Yep. Got it. Shutting up.
[The elevator dings.]
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
[Footsteps move through a smaller indoor space.]
rekrap
Actually, can I ask a question? Real quick?
clownpierce
Of course.
branzycraft
Hey, who's in charge around here? Yeah, go ahead.
clownpierce
[CROSSTALK, AMUSED] I would never overstep.
rekrap
So… what team are we building? Like, you're the marketing director, Jumper's from HR, Squiddo handles content pitches, I'm a random paralegal, I think I've seen Vitalasy managing contractors, and, uh, Clownpierce is also here a lot. Am I allowed to ask why… y'know, why us?
branzycraft
Don't you worry, you can always ask questions.
jumperwho
Just be sure you want to know the answers.
branzycraft
Anyway! There's actually a super simple and super rational reason everyone's here today. [LONG PAUSE] Um. I asked them?
jumperwho
So, Clown's pretty much always here when Branzy throws events—Clown would go basically anywhere Branzy asked, I think.
[clown laughs]
jumperwho
Vitalasy hasn't been to one in a bit, so he just missed us. Isn't that cute? Anyway, he's just plain fun. Honestly too much fun to get rid of, so I really hope Branzy knows what he's doing. I owe Branzy a favor, and he told me he really needed a sixth person since everybody's busy with the holiday weekend. Looks like it's a big day for the Song of War, whatever, it happens. Six is a very specific number, by the way, Branzy.
Anyway, you're here to see if you're actually worth keeping around, and Squiddo… if I had to guess, probably just heard there's a game and wanted in.
squiddo
Ash is busy. :( I got bored.
branzycraft
And a bored Squiddo is the most dangerous Squiddo. Frankly, it's just easier to let her in.
squiddo
Aw, you're so nice >u< Don't we have fun together?
branzycraft
Fun is… definitely one of the words. One of the words ever, for sure. Anyway! In here, okay?
[beep]
[beep]
[a door opens. footsteps file in and a chair scrapes over the floor.]
[rek whistles appreciately]
branzycraft
Perfect! Yeah, everybody take a look around first. Please.
[various polite oohs and ahs.]
branzycraft
Thank you, thank you. Feel free to take a seat, we've got exactly enough chairs. Drinks on that table over there—Clown, would you mind pouring? You know what everyone likes?
clownpierce
Seriously? You want me to mix drinks? [LAUGHS] I'm just teasing. Of course, Branzy.
squiddo
Just get me whatever's strongest, okay?
[a door closes. chairs scrape as people sit down, glasses clink, and eventually branzy raps his knuckles on the table.]
branzycraft
[SINGSONG] Who wants to play a game?
vitalasy
Ooh, me!
jumperwho
[CROSSTALK] Woo!
[fabric rustles. a heavy metallic object is set on the table]
rekrap
[NERVOUS] Oh my god.
vitalasy
…Is that a gun?
[branzy giggles]
[the sound of a revolver's chamber spinning, and bullets being unloaded and clinking against the table.]
branzycraft
There we go! Five empty chambers, one bullet. Everybody gets the game?
clownpierce
[AFFECTIONATE] You really were thinking of me.
vitalasy
[NERVOUS] How do we know it's fair?
branzycraft
Huh?
vitalasy
How do we know it's a real bullet? Or, y'know, how do we know there's only one?
branzycraft
[OFFENDED] Do you not trust me?
vitalasy
[LIGHTLY] Can you blame me? [PAUSE] If we're doing Russian roulette, let's actually play. No tricks.
squiddo
See, this is why we keep you around! You're just so much fun, Vitalasy >u<
jumperwho
[QUIETLY] I really hope you know what you're doing.
branzycraft
Oh, Jumper, you don't know? You can work on that, y'know.
jumperwho
Branzy…
branzycraft
I'm just saying! You don't have to live half a life forever.
vitalasy
I'm right here? I'm more human than she is.
branzycraft
No offense meant, of course.
rekrap
[CROSSTALK] What are we talking about?
branzycraft
But! Vitalasy has a point. Parker, you wanna inspect the gun?
[rek yelps in suprise]
rekrap
I, uh, I'm fine, actually. I don't need to hold the gun.
squiddo
You wanna go home? >->
rekrap
I—yeah, I kinda do! What the hell is going on in here? Are you even sure this is legal?
branzycraft
[MOCK OFFENDED] I thought you wanted to join the team!
rekrap
I never wanted this! Someone's going to die in here!
branzycraft
Meh, we'll see.
squiddo
It's a pretty simple question, Rek. Are you in, or are you out?
[a moment of silence. someone's glass clinks.]
rekrap
Y'know what? Screw it. I'm in.
clownpierce
Good choice.
branzycraft
Perfect. Alright, anybody else have cold feet to get out of the way, or can I play my game now?
clownpierce
Can I go first?
branzycraft
Aw, how could I ever say no to that cute face? Here you go.
[he spins the revolver's chamber one more time, then clicks it back into place.]
[clown laughs under his breath.]
[click.]
squiddo
Hah! Rigged.
clownpierce
[AMUSED] All's well that ends well, I guess. Parker?
rekrap
Huh? I thought—weren't we gonna go in a circle?
clownpierce
I want you to go next.
[rek takes an audible deep breath.]
rekrap
Alright, fine. Hand it over.
[fabric rustles. metal clinks.]
rekrap
In for a penny…
[click.]
rekrap
[A LITTLE GIDDY] Alright! Hell yeah! Uh… Squiddo next.
squiddo
Rigged. 0-0
clownpierce
Don't whine. I bet a bullet wouldn't even kill you.
squiddo
Who knows! :D Let's all find out together.
[squiddo sets her glass down hard on the table.]
[click.]
squiddo
Hm. Another day, I guess. [PAUSE] Jumper.
jumperwho
Fine, gimme the gun.
vitalasy
[QUIETLY] How are you so chill about this?
jumperwho
[PAUSE] For me? Even if I have the live one, I like my odds of coming out okay. You… have a point, though. [LOUDER] Guys, we're… all sure about this? I do kinda like Vitalasy.
branzycraft
If we only fire five shots, what's even the point? Then maybe nobody gets shot, and that's no fun. C'mon, what're you so afraid of?
squiddo
Plus, you pick who's next. Shouldn't you know? Just… do it so Vitalasy's fine.
jumperwho
[ANNOYED] The Beholding isn't… playing nice with me right now, I guess.
branzycraft
You know—
jumperwho
Shut up.
[click.]
[branzy laughs.]
branzycraft
Brave! I love it.
vitalasy
Uh, fifty percent, by the way. Anybody else not a fan of those odds?
[clown sighs.]
clownpierce
I'll go again.
rekrap
What?
clownpierce
I'll go again, since Vitalasy's chicken. Consider it my love language, hm, Branzy? For your game.
branzycraft
[DELIGHTED] Aw, you are so scary sometimes. Sure, fine.
clownpierce
[UNDER HIS BREATH] Yippee.
jumperwho
Here you go.
[fabric rustles. clown makes a quiet, contemplative sound.]
[click.]
clownpierce
Well. One more chamber, Branzy.
branzycraft
Oh! Huh, what an outcome! [LAUGHS] Ooh, maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm too scared.
clownpierce
You'll be fine. Focus on me, alright? Just look at my face.
squiddo
Aren't you supposed to shoot yourself?
vitalasy
Do you wanna get in the middle of them?
jumperwho
Better to leave them to it.
rekrap
…What?
branzycraft
[CROSSTALK] I'm looking at you, I'm looking into your eyes. They're, uh, they're very nice eyes, you know that? I don't even wanna look away!
[branzy laughs.]
clownpierce
Smile.
[bang.]
[a sharp sound, like plastic shattering.]
[branzy laughs, loud and long, almost covering up various gasps and mutters from the room.]
branzycraft
[GENUINELY DELIGHTED] Oh, great shot! Good—yeah, absolutely bang-on! See, this is how I know I can trust you.
rekrap
[CROSSTALK, HORRIFIED] Oh my god.
clownpierce
[AUDIBLY SMILING] It's my pleasure, Branzy. Nothing I would rather do.
[branzy laughs. plastic clicks together, like different pieces being clacked against each other.]
branzycraft
Okay, you didn't need to phrase it like that. Anybody have glue?
rekrap
[STILL HORRIFIED] Why—what the fuck? What's—
jumperwho
[A LITTLE QUEASY] I… didn't know you didn't have anything in there. Okay, then.
rekrap
What are you?
branzycraft
[CHEERFUL] I'm just as human as you are, Parker! But seriously, does anyone have glue? I wanna at least get my eye back in here, it's super annoying to look at things like this.
rekrap
Nope, nope, nope, you—that is not human, what the fuck is going on—Guys. Why is no one else freaking out? Branzy just got shot in the head, oh my god.
branzycraft
I'm fine! Don't worry your pretty little head about me.
squiddo
I could call a friend. If you've got questions :D
jumperwho
Don't we already have enough going on, Squiddo?
rekrap
Also still no one has explained how Squiddo is making those sounds with her mouth. I just—what the fuck?
clownpierce
Branzy? Would you mind passing me another bullet?
branzycraft
Aw, don't shoot Rek. He's fine! He'll chill out. Right, Rek?
squiddo
[SINGSONG] In for a penny…
rekrap
…Right. Yep. [SIGHS] In for a pound.