Work Text:
Lydia had promised not to tell anyone. Particularly Lizzie.
And she kept her promises. Everyone should keep their promises.
And Lizzie had promised that she could do an episode. She did try Jane's tactic, by qualifying that it would be the next time she was swamped. She was not as good as Jane, though. How could someone so nice be so good at details?
She would get her to promise on creating that all-female band. She would.
But, there were more important things to do right now.
They were going to film this as one straight video, and Charlotte would later edit it.
"Viewers, this is The Lee-dee-yah filling in for Lizzie, for we all know you love me more and have been missing me."
"So... Lizzie insisted that I be careful of what I say. BO-ring! And that I couldn't talk of completely awesome me for the entirety of the episode! If I were you, viewers, I would protest. I don't, because I know that she is just jealous of me. And I can totally understand that. "
"What am I going to talk about then? Well..."
"My name is Lydia Bennet, and I am going to tell you a story!"
She took up the book and the glasses, and began: "Once upon a time, there was a boy named Darvid."
She took off the glasses.
"And that is one of the reasons Lizzie Bennet is perpetually single. Darvid? Seriously?"
She put the glasses back on.
"And this boy was a good person, but he was horrible at meeting people. And when he liked a girl, well..."
"Let's just say Lizzie is NOT the only person of whom there's a list of reasons why they are perpetually single."
"Well, Darvid worked for a company that had something to do with American Idol. And, even though he hated the show and everyone on it, and thought all the participants had to be terrible people, he had to work there for a season. And there, he met Perpetua Lisingle"
"He fell in love with her, and he hated her for it. He couldn't understand how he, a rich, smart, connected man could fall for someone who was so inferior. He criticized everything about her and her friends."
"And then, during recording for one of the shows, he told her he loved her. And when she said that she was surprised, he told her he also was, because she was so inferior to him. And her friends were inferior to his friends."
"And this became one of the most watched advances in the history of American Idol."
"Of course, the network tried to keep her reaction secret, but it was out there anyway. Two days later, tumblr was filled with gifs of his face when she told him that she hated him."
"He asked for vacations, and got them. But then his sister sat him down to watch the youtube videos about his and Perpetua's conversations, and he realized that it was only common sense that she had rejected him."
"So he returned to show, and was nicer. He apologized, he admitted how wrong he had been. The network was happy with this unexpected soap opera that half the fans were now claiming was scripted, when the completely unexpected happen."
"Well, not that unexpected if you follow soap operas."
"The press ran a story on Perpetua's sister boyfriend, and they were quite happy to blame it all on the sister. Perpetua left the show, and ran home."
"Those were awful days, as all that could be done was minimize the damage. And Darvid, solely because of Perpetua, fought until he managed to save the sister. He helped the police investigation, got his lawyers to threaten libel suits to everyone involved. "
"And he also had the sister promise not to tell Perpetua of what he had done. And promises must be kept."
"So that is it for today's story time, boys and girls! And I will be showing up here more, so that you don't have to suffer Lizzie so much."
"So yes, Lizzie, I did story time. I even gave a moral at the end!"
Charlotte shut off the camera, and Lydia prepared herself mentally to be assaulted by Lizzie the moment the video went online.