Chapter Text
Episode 1 – Welcome to the Sitcom Mouth
Featuring: one Slayer, one vampire, four Scoobies, one Gilligan, zero working escape plans
MAGICAL WHIRLPOOL – DAY
A swirling portal of glitter, lightning, and ominous sitcom music (think jazz hands meets doom) tosses the Scoobies like popcorn. They scream. Spike grumbles. Xander gets tangled in his own shirt.
BUFFY
(shouting)
Next time, we do normal vacation things like barbecues. Or a spa. Not... wormholes!
WILLOW
(defensive)
It was supposed to be a banishment spell! Not a... Bermuda Triangle upgrade!
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND – SHORELINE – DAY
With a wet thud, Buffy faceplants into the sand. Xander lands in a bush. Spike somehow lands upright then immediately gets smacked in the face by a coconut.
SPIKE
(spitting sand)
Bloody kumquats!
Buffy stands, brushing seaweed off her hair. She's mid-grouch when *POOF* a vampire lunges from the treeline, growling like it missed rehearsal.
She stakes it without hesitation—
BUT IT EXPLODES INTO CONFETTI.
Everyone freezes. Spike blinks. Xander claps once, confused.
XANDER
I give that a seven. Form was solid, landing needed work.
Enter: GILLIGAN.
He emerges from the jungle holding a bunch of bananas and an oar, smiling cheerfully despite the glitter storm.
GILLIGAN
Hey there! You guys new here? Want a banana?
BUFFY
(stares)
Is that demon confetti normal around here?
GILLIGAN
Nope! But the coconuts sometimes whistle show tunes.
ISLAND CLEARING – LATER
The gang tries to regroup, Willow setting up a magical circle with chalk and whatever she can scrounge (seaweed, shells, hope). The Professor assists with a coconut power converter.
PROFESSOR
Remarkable! This is like discovering the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle... via hula dancing.
ANYA
(arms crossed)
What's the resale value of this island? It’s prime beachfront with seasonal demon infestations. I could work with that.
Buffy begins chanting the closing incantation. Wind rises. The portal starts to shimmer into view—until—
GILLIGAN SNEEZES.
Right into the chalk circle.
A flash of light. Everyone holds their breath.
XANDER
Did it work?
WILLOW
(sort of proud, sort of horrified)
Well... now the portal plays laugh tracks when you walk past it.
PORTAL
cue sitcom audience laughter
BUFFY
This island is cursed.
MARY ANN
Oh no, that’s just Tuesdays.
BEACH CAMPFIRE – NIGHT
The group sits by a fire made from damp twigs, broken dreams, and Spike’s disdain. Gilligan roasts bananas. Anya negotiates with Mr. Howell over coconuts-as-currency.
Buffy sighs and watches the stars. She mutters:
BUFFY
I miss punching things that stay dead.
Spike joins her, flopping down with a groan.
SPIKE
This island’s bonkers, Slayer. If the vamps don't glitter, the monkeys will start a ska band next.
MONKEY IN THE TREES
tunes ukulele ominously
CLOSING SHOT:
The Scoobies, now honorary castaways, sit around the fire, already plotting how to fix the portal, defeat sitcom physics, and maybe finally figure out who keeps glittering the vampires.
A coconut falls from a tree.
Hits Xander.
Cue laugh track.
Roll credits.