Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Olivia didn’t want to be here. 

She was only 35 years old. She shouldn’t be standing on the tallest hill of a cemetery in Brooklyn on a crisp fall day with her hands on her eight-year-old son’s shoulders. 

They should be traveling upstate to pick a pumpkin or apples. The windows should be down and this beautiful fall breeze should be mixing with Fleetwood Mac on the radio. Ed should be driving, one hand on the wheel, the other holding her hand on the center console.

He shouldn’t be under the cold ground at their feet.

It was in moments like these, over the last two weeks that she found herself realizing she could hate Ed as much as she loved him. Every time she thought about him not being with her anymore, she was overcome with such grief for the love she lost.

Then she would remember how he left them, how she was left to tell their son that Daddy wasn’t coming home, and the overwhelming grief turned to white hot fury.

Ed had always been a strong man, a proud man. He had been one of the first firefighters in his department to volunteer to head to Ground Zero and help with the rescue and recovery efforts. His passion, his goodness were some of the things that drew her to him in the first place. 

But that pride, his damn pride did him in at the end.

She hated him for leaving them the way he did. She never would have stopped him from joining the recovery efforts even if she knew it would have led to the brain cancer diagnosis. But what she found it so hard to forgive him for was leaving before his time was really up. 

His suicide note claimed that he was doing her and Noah a favor. That this was better than him becoming a burden to them when he couldn’t walk, talk, or wipe his own ass. He made his decision and he stuck to it, driving out to the Jersey shore and ending it on the beach, looking out over the water.

But in Olivia’s mind, Ed was the one who got off easy in the end.

He didn’t have to see the way Noah completely crumbled when she told him that Daddy wasn’t coming home, and worse, he’d chosen to leave them. 

“Didn’t he love us, Mom?” Noah had asked through fat tears and choked sobs.

How was she supposed to answer that? How was she supposed to get an eight-year-old to understand that his father killed himself because he loved them too much, even if he made the wrong choice? 

How was she supposed to go on every day, seeing his untouched things in the dresser drawer, walking past the bodega where they met for the first time, hearing the fire whistle and knowing he’s not there to take the call?

“Noah, if I told you we were going to make a change, how would you feel about that?” Olivia asked, lightly squeezing his shoulders as they both looked down at Ed’s grave.

“What kind of change?” Noah asked.

“There’s a professor job opening at the University of Oregon,” Olivia said. “What would you say to starting a brand new adventure across the country?”

Noah took his bottom lip between his teeth before turning to his mother.

“Dad will still be here,” Noah said, less of a question and more of a statement. “We’ll be leaving him.”

“We will,” Olivia said.

“Since he didn’t have a problem leaving us,” Noah said. “I guess we can do the same.”

Noah’s words broke her heart, even if she agreed with them.

Once Noah was on board, the move didn’t take long. She packed up their things and had them shipped to Oregon. It was less than a week before she and Noah were navigating JFK, carry ons in tow, looking for their gate.

Noah was talking a mile a minute about some new dance move he’d learned at his last class and Olivia had been paying attention, until across the hallway she saw a tall-ish dark haired man pulling a rolling suitcase behind him. He turned his head at the same time she had, and the locked eyes. The man smiled at her, and she noticed the badge at his hip.

Another man in uniform. Boy did she have a type.

Olivia returned his small smile before she and Noah kept walking.

Something about subtly flirting with a stranger in the airport so soon after her husband killed himself didn’t feel right. That man was probably perfectly nice, but he wasn’t right for her. 

Nobody would be right for her except Ed, and now he was gone. 

Partway into their flight, Noah had fallen asleep against Olivia’s shoulder. He was starting to act like he was too cool for his Mom’s affection these days, so Olivia took the opportunity to wrap her arm around him and press a kiss to the top of his head.

“From now on, it’s you and me, sweet boy,” Olivia whispered. “Team Benson-Tucker against the world.” 

Chapter Text

Elliot tried to slam the trunk of his sedan closed, but that one stupid box—Joey’s ridiculous Red Ryder Range Model Air Rifle—was sticking out at just the wrong angle.

“Okay so the one losing his hair is your brother—” Kathy said, leaning against the passenger door.

“Randall, yeah,” Elliot said. “And make sure you make as many digs about his hair as possible, and how his brisket sucks.”

“I’ve never heard of anyone having brisket for Christmas Eve dinner,” Kathy said with a frown.

“Randall would have it for every meal if we let him,” Elliot grumbled, shifting the boxes in the trunk.

“Okay and Randall is married to—”

“Angela,” Elliot said. “We’re pretty sure she’s leaving him but they haven’t said anything. So we all have to act like nothing is happening, even if they fight in the bathroom between courses.”

“Okay and your brother Joe is in the military but he is home on leave?” Kathy asked.

“He’s in the reserves for now,” Elliot said. “Just until Mama gets settled in at her new house out on Long Beach Island, then he’s going to join the Marines full time.”

“And your sisters Sharon and Dee—”

“Say every year they’ll try to come to Christmas and they never do,” Elliot said. “But Mama will set places for them anyway.”

He shifted the box one more time and slammed the trunk lid again, finally getting it to close. He wiped his hands on his pants and turned to Kathy who was biting the inside of her cheek.

“What’s that face for?” Elliot asked, coming up beside the car and taking her hands in his.

“Am I going to be what they had in mind?” Kathy asked. “For you, I mean.”

Elliot tilted his head and smiled at her.

“They’re going to love you,” he said, running his thumb over the engagement ring on her finger. “Don’t worry.”

Elliot walked Kathy back to her car and kissed her before shutting the driver’s side door for her. They were taking separate cars out to Bayside for Christmas Eve dinner with his family, and then driving overnight to her parents’ cabin in Vermont where they’d spend Christmas Day.

“I still don’t see why we can’t just go together,” Kathy said, cracking the window to talk to him without letting too much of a chill into her car.

“I told you, Kath,” Elliot said. “I’m new to the unit. If I get called back I don’t want you to have to get pulled away from your family. 

“If you did get called back, one of us could fly,” she said. “Or I could ride back with my parents or my sister.” 

“We already agreed on separate cars,” Elliot said. “So just follow me out to Bayside and lets get the less enjoyable family get-together over with.”

Kathy sighed but rolled up her window and followed Elliot across the Queensboro Bridge to his childhood home. Well, his teenage home at least. They’d lived in an apartment when Elliot was really young and moved to the house after Dad switched precincts. 

Inside the house was complete chaos, just like any Stabler family gathering. Randall and Angela were fighting in hallways and doorways in hushed tones while their daughter Connie snuck drags from a joint on the back porch. Joey was knee deep in the liquor cabinet as a newly 21-year-old. Mama had decided right now was the perfect time to rearrange her art supplies and had them spread out across the sofa and most of the walking space in the living room.

Elliot kept watching Kathy out of the corner of his eye to see her reaction. He knew her family wasn’t anything like this. They were prim, proper. They had a cabin in Vermont for Christ’s sake. She seemed to be taking the chaos in stride, and was maybe even amused by it.

She surely wasn’t prepared for the exuberance everyone showed when Elliot announced they were engaged.

“You sure you want to be saddled with this ugly mug forever?” Randall joked, jabbing a thumb in Elliot’s direction.

“Would you shut up and let them enjoy the moment,” Angela said in a harsh whisper, thwarting Randall on the shoulder.

“Do I have to be a bridesmaid?” Connie huffed, arms folded across her chest. “God, I hope you don’t pick some ugly fluffy pink dresses or something.”

While everyone started peppering Kathy with questions about her wedding plans and what she wanted her dress to look like, Elliot took a moment to slip away to the kitchen. He thought he would have a few minutes alone, but he should have known better than that in the Stabler house.

“She’s a very sweet girl,” Mama said, coming up behind him. “Is her family nice.”

“They are,” Elliot said. “They’ve got a cabin up in Vermont. We’re driving up there tonight to spend Christmas morning with them.”

Mama nodded.

“So how did it happen?” she asked. “Last I remember you said you were never getting married.”

Elliot rubbed a hand across the back of his neck.

“It’s kind of silly, honestly,” Elliot said. “My partner, Alphonse, got banged up on the job. Slammed his fingers in the car door if you can believe it and they were bent at some sort of weird angle. He insisted he was fine, but I took him to the emergency room. Kathy was his intake nurse.”

“That sure is a coincidence, I guess,” Mama said.

“It is,” Elliot said. “I mean if I would have decided to listen to Al and take him back to the precinct instead of the hospital or I’d decided to take him to Trinity instead of Mercy… You make all these stupid little decisions every day and they don’t mean anything and then one finally changes your life.”

“Destiny at work,” Mama said. 

“Mama, don’t start with that again,” Elliot said, shaking his head. “Al is a walking disaster. It was only a matter of time before we ended up in Kathy’s ER.”

Mama gently cupped his chin in her hand and looked him right in the eye.

“The Universe is funny that way, honey,” she said. “You could cross paths with someone a million times and never really see them. At least not until you’re meant to.”

Elliot sighed. 

“It was 1952, no, maybe 1953,” Mama said. “I was in Atlantic City with my family.”

“And even though you and Dad both grew up in Queens, that’s where you saw him for the first time?” Elliot asked. 

“No,” Mama said. “That’s where I saw Arnie, on the boardwalk.”

“Who the hell is Arnie?” Elliot asked.

“A boy I went to elementary school with and who lived on our street,” Mama said. “He was two or three years older than me and moved away in second grade and I hadn’t seen him since. He talked me into sneaking out for a midnight walk on the Steel Pier.”

Elliot couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“He held my hand and I was so scared,” Mama said. “All sorts of things were going through my head, but after a while I forgot about them. At one point I looked down at our hands and I couldn’t tell whose fingers were whose and then I knew.”

Elliot waited for her to continue but she didn’t.

“What did you know, Mama?”

“Magic,” Mama said. “It was magic. I could just tell that we were going to be together forever and that everything would be wonderful.”

“But Mama, you married Dad two years later, had Sharon and Dee the following year,” Elliot said. 

“You’re right, I did,” she said. “Arnie turned 18 at the end of that summer. He signed up for the Army and was killed in a training accident eight months later. And a week later I met your father.”

“What does one have to do with the other?” Elliot asked. “Other than I guess you were single by the time you met Dad.”

“I guess what I’m trying to tell you dear is that we don’t always get to keep our magic,” Mama said. “But having it for a few moments is better than not having it at all. Is that what you feel with Kathy? Do you feel the magic?”

Elliot scratched the back of his neck again. Kathy was pretty. She was sweet, kind, and smart. He didn’t exactly feel fireworks every time they kissed or slept together, but he’d never felt like that with any girl he’d ever been with. That kind of relationship just didn’t exist for him. Mama was always about magic. Her emotional highs and lows made her feel things so much more deeply than everyone else, and she never quite understood that other people didn’t feel the same way.

“Sure Mama, yeah,” Elliot said. “Kathy and I are magic.”

“Mmhm,” Mama said, putting her dishes in the sink before returning to the dining room.

After another two painstaking hours of Pictionary and charades, Elliot and Kathy finally made their exit. He helped guide her down the dark porch stairs back to their cars.

“Do you think they liked me?” Kathy asked.

“They loved you,” Elliot said. “I told you that they would, and they did.”

Mama seemed a bit wary of her, but Elliot wasn’t about to bring that up right now.

“I love you,” Kathy said, leaning into his chest.

“I love you too, Kath,” Elliot said. 

“Are you sure we can’t drive up together?” Kathy asked. 

“No,” Elliot said. “I’m not going to take you away from your family. If I have to go back and you want to stay longer, you should be able to spend as much time with them as you can.”

Kathy sighed as she unlocked the car. 

“Oh shoot, I took your Mom’s present inside,” Elliot said. “It was in the same box as Connie’s gift.”

“I’ll wait for you,” Kathy said.

“No, you go on ahead,” Elliot said. “I’ll only be about 10 minutes behind you.”

“Well, alright,” Kathy said. “I’ll see you in Vermont.”

“See you there,” Elliot said.

He watched Kathy drive off and made a show of looking like he was going to go back into the house, but instead, once Kathy was out of sight, he got into his car and just sat. 

Finally, one moment of peace.

But he couldn’t delay the inevitable. He started the sedan, changed the radio to a Christmas station, and pulled away from the curb, bound for Vermont.

Chapter Text

Elliot had only been driving for about an hour and a half, but this station was on its fifth play of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and if he had to hear it one more time, he was going to scream.

He blindly reached for the dial, spinning it, looking for almost anything else to pass the time that didn’t involve fog or reindeer games.

Each new station was less clear than the last. It looked like his only choices were Rudolph or talk radio. And while Elliot’s preference wasn’t exactly to fall asleep at the wheel, listening to people bitch about their personal lives was better than sugary fake Christmas joy.

“Welcome back to Live with Lindstrom,” a man’s voice said. “I’m Dr. Peter Lindstrom, broadcasting across America from the top of 30 Rock, where we’d have a fantastic view of Santa Claus and his reindeer if my studio had any windows.”

Elliot puffed out a small laugh.

“Tonight, we’re talking about wishes and dreams,” Lindstrom said. “What are your wishes this Christmas Eve?”

“Give me a break,” Elliot muttered.

“Maybe our first caller from Oregon will have some answers,” Lindstrom said. “Caller, you’re on the line.”

“Hello, my name is Noah—”

A loud bleep blasted through the car and made Elliot cringe.

“Sorry about that, folks,” Lindstrom said. “No last names here, Noah. You sound much younger than our regular callers. What are you doing up so late and calling a radio show?”

“It’s only 7:30 in Oregon,” the boy said. “I don’t even have to be in bed for another three hours.”

“Well, I guess you’ve got me there, don’t you, Noah?” Lindstrom said. “So tell me, what’s your Christmas wish?”

“It’s not for me,” the boy said. “It’s for my Mom.”

“Well, that’s very generous of you, Noah,” Lindstrom said. “What wish do you have for your Mom?”

“I think she needs a new husband,” the boy said.

Elliot couldn’t help the laugh that came out of his mouth. It was true that kids said the darndest things.

“What’s wrong with the husband she has now?” Lindstrom asked.

“She doesn’t have one,” Noah answered.

“Well, where’s your dad?” Lindstrom asked.

“He died,” Noah said.

Elliot felt his heart clench. For some reason, he really hoped Lindstrom would end the call there. This kid needed some help and grief therapy, but he didn’t need to get it over the radio waves, where all the late-night drivers in the country could hear him.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Noah,” Lindstrom said.

“I’ve been pretty sad about it, but I think my mom is worse,” Noah said. 

“And you’re worried about her,” Lindstrom said.

“Yeah,” Noah said. “She tries to act like she’s fine, but when she lets me ride my bike to school, she follows me in the car like I’m not supposed to know she’s there. And now that it’s Christmas, well…”

“Have you talked to your mom about this?” Lindstrom asked.

“No,” Noah whispered.

“Why not?” Lindstrom asked.

“Because it’s hard for her to talk about this stuff,” Noah said. “And I don’t want to make her sadder than she already is.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?” Lindstrom asked.

Elliot rolled his eyes.

“C’mon, kid, don’t throw your mom any further under the bus,” Elliot said out loud as if the boy could hear him.

“Are you nuts?” Noah exclaimed. “She thinks these shows are stupid. If you didn’t have a 1-800 number, I would have never gotten away with this.”

“Well, is your Mom home right now?” Lindstrom asked.

“Yeah,” Noah said.

“Well, I think I can help her more if I talk to her directly,” Lindstrom said. 

“Are you trying to get me grounded?” Noah asked.

“I’m sure she won’t be angry once she realizes how concerned you are about her,” Lindstrom said.

Elliot bit his lip between his teeth.

“Don’t do it, kid,” Elliot whispered. “Don’t do it.”

Noah’s pause seemed to go on forever.

“Fine, but if I get grounded, I’m never ever listening to your show again,” Noah said.

“Fair enough,” Lindstrom said.

Across the airwaves, Elliot could hear Noah’s feet pounding as he ran through the house and a muffled scream of “Mom!” and an even more muffled reply.

“There’s someone on the phone for you,” Noah said, still slightly garbled like his hand was over the receiver. Then, more clearly, his voice came through again, “Her name is Olivia.”

Elliot shook his head, thinking how this Lindstrom quack should be ashamed of himself for exploiting a grieving kid and his mom on Christmas Eve of all days.

“Hello,” a woman’s voice came on the line. It was rich, deep, like honey in hot tea.

“Yes, hello, Olivia, this is Dr. Peter Lindstrom from ‘Live with Lindstrom,’” he said.

“I’m probably not interested in whatever you’re selling,” Olivia said. “Contrary to what Noah thinks, Santa does know we moved to Oregon and will be delivering his presents here, just like always. He doesn’t need any ‘just in case’ presents.”

“I’m not selling anything,” Lindstrom said. “Your son called my radio show to ask for advice on how to find you a new husband.”

There was a brief pause.

“Excuse me, what did you say your name was?” Olivia asked.

“Dr. Peter Lindstrom from ‘Live with Lindstrom,’” he repeated.

“Jesus, are we on the air?” Olivia said, her voice rising in pitch. “Noah, for God’s sake—”

“Don’t be mad at me, Mom,” Noah said, sounding clear like he picked up another receiver in the house so they could both talk to Lindstrom.

“He feels that since your husband’s death, you’ve been very unhappy,” Lindstrom said. “He’s genuinely worried about you.”

Elliot heard Olivia sigh across the airwaves.

“I’m not mad at you, Noah, okay?” Olivia said. “Not exactly thrilled at the moment, but I’m not mad at you.”

“I think it’s hard for him to talk to you about all this,” Lindstrom said. “Maybe we could talk, and it would make him feel a little better.”

Olivia didn’t answer.

“Please, Mom?” Noah asked, his little voice sounding small.

“I guess we can talk for a little while,” Olivia said.

“Good, good,” Lindstrom said. “S,o how long ago did your husband die?”

Elliot snorted. 

“This is such a violation of this woman’s personal life,” he grumbled, yet he couldn’t seem to get himself to turn the dial and go back to the Rudolph Christmas nightmare station.

“It’s been a little over a year,” Olivia sighed. 

“And have you had any relationships since?” Lindstrom asked.

“No,” Olivia said sharply.

“Why not?” Lindstrom pressed.

“Look, Doctor, I don’t want to be rude but—”

“I’m not trying to invade your privacy, Olivia,” Lindstrom said.

“Sure you are,” Elliot muttered at the same time Olivia said the same thing over the air.

It made Elliot smile.

“Look, we had a tough time in the beginning, but I’m holding my own as a mother,” Olivia said. “And Noah will be just fine as soon as I take away his radio.”

“I have no doubt you’re a good mother,” Lindstrom said through a laugh. “You can tell a lot from a person’s voice. But something must be missing if Noah still feels like you’re under a dark cloud.”

“Tell him how you don’t sleep at night,” Noah interjected.

“How do you know that?” Olivia asked.

“I can hear you walking around at night,” Noah said. “Or typing in your office. At first, I thought it was a robber, but robbers don’t usually take time to type out a note.”

Noah didn’t even waste a beat before launching into his next point.

“And tell him how you’re always forgetting things,” Noah said. “You never used to forget to do things like sign my permission form or wash my dance clothes when Dad was here.”

Olivia sighed again over the line. Elliot noticed she seemed to do that a lot.

“Look, it’s almost Christmas, and I think Noah is just missing his father,” Olivia said.

“Could it be that you need someone just as much as Noah does?” Lindstrom asked.

As Elliot pulled off the highway into a diner parking lot, he felt his heart clench in a way he didn’t expect. This woman was complex. She was doing her best, that was obvious from just the few things she’d said. There was just something about her that Elliot couldn’t put his finger on.

He was an SVU detective. He was well-versed in empathy, but this feeling was more than that. There was something about this woman that he wanted to grab onto and not let go. And he’d never felt that way before.

Elliot shifted the car into park.

“We’ve been talking to, well, let’s just call her Overwhelmed in Oregon,” Lindstrom said. “We’ll be right back after this break with your listener's response to the things we’ve been discussing.”

Chapter Text

Elliot hit the bathroom at the diner and then made his way up to the counter to grab a coffee to go. The waitresses and the cook didn’t notice him at first because they were crowded around the radio, chatting.

“She’s got to be overweight with thinning hair,” one waitress said. “If she were pretty, she’d be getting hit on left and right and would have found another man by now.”

“Not everyone is a bed hopper,” the other waitress snapped. “She’s probably beautiful. Like a Jayne Mansfield kind of beautiful. Just because someone has preferences and standards doesn’t make them a cow.”

“Shut up, Loretta,” the first waitress said. “You always romanticize everything.”

Finally, the first waitress turned to Elliot.

“What’ll it be?” she asked.

“Black coffee to go,” Elliot said, pulling a few bills from his wallet. 

“Maybe Manny here should hustle himself out to Oregon,” Loretta said. “He’s a catch.”

The cook, who didn’t look a day over 19, blushed.

“Well, if you do go out there, Manny, it’ll probably do her some good,” the first waitress said. “She sounds like someone who doesn’t cook. Probably lives on takeout and lets the kid eat McDonald's all the time.”

“Bev, ever since you divorced your last husband, you’ve been no fun,” Loretta said, grabbing a to-go cup and pouring Elliot’s coffee inside.

“Just call it like I hear it,” Bev said, punching Elliot’s order into the register. “Over a year and no man? Someone is going to have to jump-start her battery if you know what I mean.”

As Loretta passed Elliot his cup and he slid his payment and tip across the sticky formica, Dr. Lindstrom came back on the air.

“Let’s take a call before we get back to Overwhelmed in Oregon,” he said. “Knoxville, Tennessee, you’re on.”

“Howdy,” a twangy southern man said. “I’d just like to know where I can get this little lady’s address.”

Elliot rolled his eyes and pushed his way back out into the cold night. By the time the car started up, they’d moved away from the callers and were back with Olivia.

“Do you think there’s somebody out there who you could love as much as your husband?” Lindstrom asked. “Maybe even more?”

“You know, it’s funny,” Olivia said. “The first time I met my husband, we didn’t like each other all that much.”

“You didn’t?” Lindstrom asked.

“No, actually, we’d run into each other at the bodega a few times,” Olivia said. “It was on a street corner, and he lived down one side of the block, and I lived down the other. I didn’t know him, but I recognized him as the man who always seemed to get to the last cinnamon sugar donut before I got the chance. He was always there when I was running late, snatching up the treat I needed to get me through my morning.”

Elliot chuckled.

“But then, a few weeks after the first time I saw him, there was a fire at my work,” Olivia said. “Nothing big. A mishap in the chemistry lab, and we had to be evacuated. One of the girls was so distraught that their lab rats were left behind. And Ed, he went back in to find them. It wasn’t exactly the same as saving a cat from the tree, but most people, most firefighters, wouldn’t have taken the time to go back and do that.”

Elliot found himself getting sucked further and further into her story.

“Then he came over to me and asked, ‘You don’t happen to visit Raul’s bodega every morning, do you?’ Olivia said. “And I told him he was always stealing my donut. He laughed and then introduced himself. And the next morning, when I got to the bodega, he was already there, standing outside with a cinnamon sugar donut in hand, and he split it with me. And it just became clear. I knew.”

“What was it that made you know?” Lindstrom asked.

“I don’t know that I can describe it,” Olivia said. 

“Why not?” Lindstrom asked.

“Because if I knew I wouldn’t be talking about my feelings on a radio show,” Olivia said.

She laughed, and Elliot laughed right along with her.

“I guess it wasn’t one specific thing,” Olivia said. “It wasn’t the lab rats or the donut. It wasn’t his smile or his smirk. It was just more of a feeling. It was like ‘Oh, so you’re that person I’ve been looking for. You just fit.’ It sounds silly, but it was almost like…”

Olivia trailed off, and Elliot couldn’t help himself, Mama’s words still playing in the back of his head.

“Magic,” he whispered.

“Magic,” Olivia said a moment later.

Elliot felt a lightning bolt zip up and down his spine as he pulled into the driveway of Kathy’s parents’ cabin. Her car was already nestled next to the porch stairs, and he was happy she’d made it safely. But he wasn’t getting out of the car until Olivia was done talking. Not when he’d followed the story all the way from Queens.

“Don’t get me wrong, our marriage wasn’t perfect,” Olivia said. “We argued. We said things we didn’t mean from time to time. We didn’t always agree on some of the small things with Noah, like whether he was old enough to start earning an allowance or whether he should be allowed to walk to school with his friends and no parental supervision. But on the big things? Yeah, we got each other on the big things. I knew he would always be there for me and see me for who I really was. And now that he’s gone… I don’t know if anyone ever will again.”

Elliot felt a strong twist in his gut. He had never been a touchy-feely guy. He thought therapy was a crock. But Olivia’s words touched something inside of him that he couldn’t explain.

“Unfortunately, folks, that’s all the time we have tonight,” Lindstrom said. “Thank you for your time, Olivia, and we hope you’ll call again soon.”

The show faded out into a commercial for discounted cable service, and Elliot cut the engine. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t realize Kathy was standing outside the car until she knocked on the window.

“You’ve been sitting out here for 15 minutes,” she said, sliding into the passenger seat after he unlocked the door. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yeah,” Elliot said. “I was just listening to the end of a radio show. It was the only channel I could get for the whole drive.”

“Oh, God, was it that Oregon woman?” Kathy asked. “I caught the beginning of that, and it just sounded too phon,y I had to turn it off. The only downside is I may never get ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer out of my head. The count on that was up to 24 by the time I pulled into the driveway here.”

Elliot just nodded.

“Well, come on,” Kathy said. “Everyone else is asleep, but I made us some hot chocolate that we can drink by the tree before we go to bed.”

As Kathy climbed out of the car, he didn’t have the heart to tell her that he hated hot chocolate and preferred hot apple cider. But he’d pretend to drink it, if that made her happy.

Chapter Text

Olivia curled her feet up under her in the armchair and wrapped her hands around the mug of cider. Normally, she’d take a black coffee so early in the morning, but hot apple cider had been a Tucker family Christmas tradition that Ed introduced her to, and she’d grown to love it.

She looked around at the mountains of wrapping paper surrounding her son, and she wondered if maybe she’d overindulged him. Santa definitely thought Noah was a good boy this year, and Olivia couldn’t help but buy present after present from Mom, too. 

Maybe she felt like she needed to make up for the fact that there were none from Dad.

Last Christmas had been horrific. Olivia wasn’t even sure if they celebrated at all. She, thankfully, usually started shopping for Noah’s presents over the summer, so she at least had something to give him, but the entire holiday was a blur. 

“Oh, Mom, this map is really cool,” Noah said, unfurling it from the poster container. 

“You can scratch off every state you’ve been to,” Olivia said. “And keep track of where you’ve traveled.”

“This is super neat!” Noah said, scratching some of the foil off of Oregon with his thumb. “Oh, and it reminds me, I got something for you too, Mom.”

Noah jumped up from his spot and scooted under the tree to pull out a present he definitely wrapped himself.

“Sweet boy, I told you that you didn’t have to get me anything,” Olivia said, feeling the tears well up in her eyes.”

“Well, I made it in art class,” Noah said. “So I hope you like it. Everyone deserves to have a present to open on Christmas.”

Olivia gently pulled a piece of tape off the corner of the rectangular package so she could rip into the paper. Inside was a canvas painted pink with pictures of her and Noah collaged and decoupaged across it. 

“Do you like it?” Noah asked, biting his lip. 

“I love it,” Olivia said, feeling a tear slip out. “I can’t wait to hang it up.”

The walls of their new home were pretty bare. She’d hung up a few of the generic prints they’d had in their old apartment, but she hadn’t put up any family photos. It would just be too hard to walk by pictures of Ed smiling and laughing and not feel her heart squeeze.

Olivia carried the canvas to the other side of the room, where a nail from the previous owners was still visible in the wall. She propped the canvas up and smiled.

“It’s perfect, Noah,” she said. “It’s exactly what this room needed.”

When she looked at the picture again, she wondered if it was a coincidence or on purpose that Noah hadn’t included any images of his father.

“Mom,” Noah said, his voice shaking slightly. “About last night—”

“It’s never happening again,” Olivia said, her voice stern. “Right?”

“Right,” Noah said. 

“Then consider it forgotten,” she said. “The next time you’re concerned about something, no matter what it is, you come and talk to me. And if you want to talk to a therapist, we’ll find you one here instead of someone on the radio. Okay?”

“Okay,” Noah nodded.

Olivia was about to ask him if he wanted Christmas tree pancakes, another Tucker family tradition, when the doorbell rang.

“Did you invite somebody over?” Olivia asked.

Noah shook his head.

Olivia checked the clock. It was 7:45 a.m.

“Who the hell could it be this early on Christmas morning?” she grumbled, making her way to the front door, pulling her cardigan tighter around her shoulders. 

When she opened the door, there was a man standing on the other side.

“Hi, Olivia?” he asked.

“Yes?” Olivia replied. 

“And you must be Noah,” he said.

Olivia turned around to see Noah peeking down the hallway at them from behind the kitchen wall.

“I’m Dean,” the man said. “I live down the block. I’m having an open house get-together for the holiday, and I just wanted to invite you both to stop by.”

Olivia hoped he didn’t notice that she wrinkled her nose.

“Thanks, but we have plans,” she said. 

It was a complete lie, unless someone counted watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story and not changing out of their pajamas as plans.

“Well, here’s my number,” Dean said, passing her a business card. “If you ever find yourself overwhelmed again, just give me a call. I can be here in just a few minutes.”

Then the slick asshole winked.

Olivia shut the door behind him, and as soon as it locked closed, Noah made a fake gagging noise.

“My feelings exactly,” Olivia said. “Just how many people do you think heard your little practical joke last night?”

“Well, the show airs in all 50 states,” Noah said.

“What!?” Olivia shouted.

“Nobody else is going to know it was us,” Noah said. “That guy only figured it out because of that ‘Welcome to the Neighborhood’ newsletter Mrs. Kravitz sent out.”

“You better hope so,” Olivia said. “Or I’m going to rethink that grounding.”

Noah groaned.

Chapter Text

Just like he assumed, Elliot was called back to the city before noon on Christmas Day.

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Kathy said, pouring him a thermos of coffee for the road.

“It’s the job, Kath,” he said, shrugging. He’d told her this would probably happen. 

“I know it’s your job,” she said. “It’s just that this is our first Christmas together, and I really wanted to spend it with you.”

“We’ll have plenty more,” he said. “I’ll see you when you get back to the city.”

That conversation felt like years ago instead of hours when he finally made it to the sixth floor of the precinct. The squad was gathered around the evidence board, but it didn’t look like they were making much progress. Briscoe was passing a Slinky back and forth in his hands, Munch was talking to Jefferies about something, and she was filing her nails, pretending not to listen.

The one person he didn’t see was his partner.

“Where’s Old Fatso?” Elliot asked Cragen as he stepped out of his office. 

“As of this morning retired and is on his way to Florida,” Cragen said.

“What?!” Elliot said. “He didn’t say anything to me about retiring.

“Didn’t say much of anything to any of us,” Cragen grumbled. “Which is why I had to call you back in now that we’re short-staffed. Otherwise, I would have let you stay up north with the future in-laws.”

Elliot didn’t have much time to dwell on the fact that he was out a partner because Cragen was in business mode.

“I have a witness in the conference room that I have to speak to,” he said. “Right now, you’ll be with Munch, and Jefferies and Briscoe will pair up. They’ll all catch you up to speed.”

Elliot watched as Cragen walked away, then glanced over at Alphonse’s desk. The man was a pig, and apparently, he didn’t even bother to stop and clean up his desk before he hightailed it out of there.

As he approached his new partner, Elliot caught the tail end of a typical Munch conversation.

“All I’m saying is that the multiple gunman theory has much more merit,” he said. “The bullet trajectory doesn’t fit.”

“Sure it does, John,” Jefferies said, still not looking up.

“You know what’s more interesting than that?” Briscoe asked. “That phone service was tied up for two hours last night because some kid called a phone-in show to get a new husband for his mom. They said on the news that like 2,000 men called in for her number.”

“I’m surprised 2,000 men know how to pick up the phone,” Jefferies said before rolling her eyes.

“I actually heard it,” Elliot said, stepping up to the group. “Last night, when I was on my way up to Vermont.”

“Oh really,” Munch said. “You listen to psychology radio shows.”

“When it’s that or the millionth play of 'Rudolph,’ yeah, I do,” Elliot said. “So anyway, kid calls in and says his mom needs a husband. And I couldn’t turn it off because how disgusting, right, taking advantage of a child on Christmas Eve?”

“Corporate America has no soul,” Munch said.

“So then the mom gets on and the shrink says, ‘Do you want to talk about it?’” Elliot said. “And the woman says she doesn’t, and I’m thinking, you know, good for her putting a stop to it. And then somehow she just ends up diving into this story about how she and her husband hated each other and then fell in love.”

“That’s called enemies to lovers,” Briscoe said.

“Well, whatever it’s called, she was a pretty captivating storyteller,” Elliot said.

“Oh really now,” Munch said, a grinch-like smile forming on his face. “And did she captivate you, Stabler?”

“I mean, I found her story interesting,” he said. “It was similar to Kathy and me, and a chance meeting.”

“Well, apparently there are a lot of horny guys out there looking for a girl if that many of them called up the radio show,” Briscoe said. “You know, it’s easier to be killed by a terrorist after the age of 40 than it is to get married?”

“That statistic isn’t true,” Elliot said.

“It’s not, but it feels true,” Jefferies muttered.

“Look at me,” Munch said. “I’m living proof it’s not true.”

“Maybe you aren’t exactly the poster boy for a successful love story, John,” Jefferies said. 

“She’s right,” Elliot said, trying to steer the topic away from the radio show. “Cragen said you could all bring me up to speed.”

“Right, right,” Jefferies said, standing up and heading over to the evidence board. “We had a string of three rapes reported last night, all clustered up in West Harlem. Ken and I are going to make some calls. Cragen wants you and John to go canvassing.”

Elliot nodded, plucking his coat from the back of his desk chair and shrugging it on before heading to the elevator with Munch on his heels. 

When they got into the sedan, Elliot took the driver’s seat.

“What was that about up there?” Munch asked after they’d pulled out onto the road.

“What was what?” Elliot asked.

“What’s with you?” Munch asked. “Is this about Alphonse leaving?” 

“I mean, I’m kind of shocked, yeah,” Elliot said. “But no, there’s nothing wrong with me because Alphonse retired.”

“So this is about the woman on the radio,” Munch said, and Elliot felt his spine stiffen. 

He knew how it looked. Ridiculous that a man of almost 40 was listening to self-help talk shows on Christmas Eve.

Then again, this was John he was talking to.

“Overwhelmed in Oregon,” Elliot admitted. “That’s what they called her because her son said she’s been scatterbrained since her husband died.”

“And now 2,000 men are clamoring for her number,” Munch said. “She could be a psychopath or a junkie. Or worse, someone really sick, like my second ex-wife.”

“Actually, she sounded nice,” Elliot said.

“Oh really?” Munch said. “Now we’re getting down to it.”

Elliot grimaced. He should have known better than to bring this up with a hopeless romantic with a track record of divorce.

Chapter Text

The one thing Olivia hated most about working in education was that even when you had time off, you didn’t really have time off. Winter break was supposed to be for relaxing in front of the fire and forgetting what day it was. But when you’re a professor, it means preparing for next semester and last-minute faculty meetings.

She remembered it well from growing up with Serena, and not for the first time, she questioned why she became a professor instead of doing something else. 

Luckily, as long as Noah had his new Gameboy in hand, he didn’t seem to mind that he had to hang out on the couch in Mom’s office all day when he could be out enjoying the little bit of snow they’d gotten overnight.

“So there are about 35 students on the wait list for the Shakespeare seminar, and just about as many on your list for the Jane Austen course,” Renee Curry, the head of the English department, said, sitting across the desk from Olivia as she scanned the incoming semester rosters.

“As long as you put us in the bigger lecture hall, I can probably take about 15 of the wait list students,” Olivia said.

“Are you sure?” Renee asked.

“Of course,” Olivia said. “If that many students want to learn about classic literature, we want to encourage it.”

“Also, Professor Ganzer is looking for someone to help co-teach his creative journalism course,” Renee said. “Would you be interested?”

Olivia knit her eyebrows together.

“My background really isn’t in journalism,” Olivia said. “I don’t know that I’d be much help there.”

Renee bit her lip.

“Well, I just thought since you were looking for someone and Ganzer is single…”

Olivia shot her eyes over to Noah, who was either oblivious or pretending not to pay attention.

“Great. So the whole town knows that I’m a desperate widow,” Olivia said. “How do you know?”

“I read about it in the Daily News,” Renee said. “But maybe if you co-teach with Ganzer and he asks you out to dinner, he won’t quit, and I won’t have to find a new professor.”

Olivia sighed.

“Why can’t Casey do it?” Olivia asked.

“The journalist and the law professor?” Renee asked. “The whole point is to get him to stay on the faculty. Not quit as fast as possible.”

Olivia rolled her eyes.

“Well, fine. What’s the big deal?” she asked. “If he’ll keep you from having to open up the hiring process again, I’ll marry him. Just point me in the right direction.”

That got a little gasp out of Noah.

“Mom, I don’t know about that,” he said.

“Oh, now you’re changing your mind?” Olivia asked.

“No, I’m not, but—”

“I mean, what’s the matter with him?” Olivia asked. “You don’t want to have an investigative journalist who can dig into all your friends’ lives as your new father?”

“Mommmmm,” Noah whined, finally realizing she was kidding.

Renee tried to hide a chuckle.

“Switching gears now,” Renee said. “If you’re not doing anything New Year’s Eve, Olivia, we’re having some people over. We’d love for you and Noah to join us.”

“Is this a setup?” Olivia asked.

“Not at all,” Renee said. “Everyone else is married. Nobody there will hit on you whatsoever.”

“If it’s all the same to you, I’ll pass,” Olivia said. “I wouldn’t want to leave Noah alone.”

“But Mom,” Noah started from the couch.

“C’mon, kid,” she said, standing from her desk. “I think it’s about time for lunch, don’t you?”

Luckily, Noah didn’t press her on the outright lie she’d just told Renee. He’d already accepted a New Year’s Eve sleepover at his new friend Jack’s house and Olivia was actually going to be the one spending the night alone.

She didn’t think she was going to mind. Until the night came, of course.

It was a few minutes to midnight on the East Coast, and she was watching the ball drop all alone. It felt strange, watching her city ring in the new year without her, without them, for the first time. So many years Ed had been on the Times Square crew, providing EMS and safety service,s and she and Noah would head down to the fringes about an hour before midnight just to see him and wish him a Happy New Year.

Something about it made her heart ache as she polished off the last of a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a Modelo.

“Can I have some of your beer?” a gravely voice asked from further down the couch.

Olivia startled until she looked over and realized it was Ed.

“You hate Modelo,” Olivia said to him, holding out the can.

“Couldn’t hate anything that just had your lips on it,” he said, taking the can from her and downing a swig before making a face and setting it on the coffee table.

“See,” Olivia said, feeling her eyes fill with tears. “Babe, I miss you so much.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Ed said. “All I wanted was for you to be happy.”

Olivia was getting ready to tell him that she hadn’t been happy since he left her, but a loud noise interrupted her. Olivia’s eyes flew open to realize she’d fallen asleep on the couch, and the New Year in New York came without her. The loud noise was the horns and fireworks blasting onscreen.

The Doritos bag had fallen to the floor, but the beer can was suspiciously right on the table where Dream Ed had left it.

Chapter Text

Elliot kind of hated parties, especially New Year’s Eve parties.

Maybe it was growing up in New York, where there was such hype around the holiday. Maybe it was working law enforcement, and knowing that while people were living it up, somewhere out there was another person getting shot, robbed, or abused instead of enjoying themselves.

Despite his feelings, though, Kathy’s closest friend and her husband were hosting a party at their home in Westchester, and because he’d been called in on Christmas, he was guaranteed time off on New Year’s Eve and couldn’t get out of it.

The ambiance here wasn’t casual. He’d had to wear a suit and tie, and he was itching to get out of them. That’s why he was relieved when the countdown started.

When the clock his midnight, he kissed Kathy dutifully.

“Let’s dance,” she said to him, pulling him toward the spacious sitting room her friends had cleared to create a dance floor where other older couples were already taking a spin to Auld Lang Syne.

“Oh, Kath, I don’t know,” he said. “We both have early shifts tomorrow.”

“Just one dance,” she asked. “Please?”

Well, he didn’t want to disappoint her.

As they twirled around, Elliot trying to be very diligent not to step on her feet, Kathy started talking.

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” she started.

“About what?” Elliot asked.

“Valentine’s Day weekend,” she said. “Since we’re probably not going to get a traditional honeymoon with our work scheduled, what if we made that a little pre-marriage celebration, just the two of us?”

“Well, Kath, they schedule us pretty far out,” Elliot said. “I probably would have had to put in my time off request already.”

“Just think about it, though,” she said. “We could stay at the Plaza. Take one of those carriage rides in Central Park. Go to the Russian Tea Room. Do all the things we never do because we live here and think they’re kind of touristy.”

Elliot thought about it for a moment. His gut instinct was to say no, but Kathy just looked so happy thinking about it. 

He didn’t want to disappoint her.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said, as she leaned in to give him a soft kiss.

Chapter Text

Olivia found it odd that there was a mail truck parked in front of her house when she pulled into the driveway. Her Jane Austen course had run late and she had to stop at the store because somehow they were out of milk again , and all she wanted to do was get home, order a pizza, and see her kid.

While odd, she hadn’t expected to see a mailman standing at the front door with a sack that could rival Santa’s, and Noah signing a receipt.

“Mom, check it out!” Noah said. “They’re all for you!”

Olivia plucked a letter from the top of the pile and sure enough, it was addressed to “Overwhelmed in Oregon” care of Dr. Peter Lindstrom, 30 Rock Studios in New York.

“I guess this won’t help your situation,” the mailman said. “Being overwhelmed and all.”

Olivia glared at him as he walked back to the truck and Noah hauled the sack inside the house.

“Just out of curiosity,” Olivia said, following Noah into the house and locking the door behind them. “How did they get our address?”

“They called and asked for it,” Noah said, sliding his finger under the seal of one of the envelopes. “Dear Overwhelmed in Oregon. You are the most attractive woman I’ve ever laid ears on.”

Noah made a vomit noise, tossing the letter aside and grabbing for the next.

“Mmhm,” Olivia said. “And how did they get our phone number to call and ask about our address?”

“You have to give them your phone number or they won’t let you on the air,” Noah said.

In that moment, Olivia regretted having such a smart kid.

“Dear Overwhelmed in Oregon, I’m a SWM,” Noah read. “What the heck is that?”

“It means single white male,” Olivia said. “And I’m glad to know you didn’t know that.”

“Well, anybody who can’t spell out the whole word isn’t worth it,” Noah said. “You love words.”

He plucked yet another letter from the pile.

“Dear Overwhelmed in Oregon, I live in Tulsa,” he read. “Where’s that?”

“It’s in Oklahoma,” Olivia said. “Do you know where that is?”

“Somewhere in the middle,” Noah said.

“I’m not going to think about what they’re not teaching you in school,” Olivia said with a frustrated sigh. “But generally speaking, I think we should rule out men who don’t live somewhere near here.”

“Like Greasy Dean,” Noah said.

“Yes, like him,” Olivia said. “But just to be clear, he’s off the table.”

“Duh,” Noah said, “But the guy from Tulsa is willing to fly anywhere.”

Noah pulled a picture out from the letter and handed it to her.

“He looks like my fourth grade teacher,” Olivia said. “And I hated my fourth grade teacher.”

“You’re not taking this seriously,” Noah said, his face fixed into a frown that looked so much like Ed’s.

“Well, Noah, this isn’t how you do things,” she said, putting the milk in the refrigerator.

“Then how do you do it?” Noah asked.

“Well, you see someone when you’re out,” Olivia said. “Maybe when you’re spending time with friends, or even grocery shopping, and you get a feeling about them. And you either hope they asked you to have a drink or something, or you do it yourself—”

“Could you ask them to get pizza?” Noah asked.

“We’re having that for dinner tonight, by the way,” Olivia said as Noah fist pumped. “But you don’t necessarily want to agree to dinner on the first date because by the time you’re halfway through you might be sorry you committed to so much time. If you get a drink and it’s going well, then you can ask them for dinner afterwards, and if it’s not you can go home.”

Olivia paused for a minute.

“I wonder if it still works that way?”

“I don’t think so,” Noah said. “Girls can ask people out now too.”

“Great,” Olivia said, her tone saying the opposite.

Noah drummed his fingers on the counter.

“If you get a new husband, I guess you’ll have sex with him, huh?”

Unfortunately, Olivia was in mid-swallow and choked slightly on her own spit.

“Noah we… we haven’t had that conversation yet,” Olivia said. It made her rethink telling Noah that he could talk to her about anything. She wasn’t exactly comfortable talking about sex, considering the way Serena spoke to her about it in her youth.

“If you do, will you scratch up his back?” Noah asked.

“Why would you ask something like that?” Olivia asked.

“In the movies, women are always scratching up guy’s back and screaming and stuff,” Noah said. “When they’re having sex.”

“What movie did you watch where that happened?” Olivia asked. She had child controls on their cable.

“At Jack’s house,” Noah said. 

Olivia made a mental note not to let Noah go over there anymore.

Chapter Text

Kathy had fallen asleep over an hour ago, but Elliot was wide awake. He was on his back, staring up at the ceiling and drumming his fingers lightly across his stomach.

He’d tried counting sheep. He’d tried relaxing all the muscles in his body. He tried pretending his body was drifting along in the ocean to some calm, relaxing place.

None of it did any good.

Elliot eventually gave up and climbed out of bed. He tiptoed down the stairs, turned on the kitchen light, and opened the refrigerator. And all that reminded him was that he needed to buy more milk.

He shut the door, grabbed a glass, and filled it with water from the tap while simultaneously flipping on the radio. 

And as luck would have it, a commercial for “Live With Lindstrom” had just started.

“Up next, we have ‘Live With Lindstrom,” the announcer said. “Clinical psychologist and the best friend you never had.”

“Gimme a break,” Elliot muttered around the side of the glass.

Then the ad started playing clips from past shows.

“He says he doesn’t love me anymore,” a woman sobbed through the speakers.

“Well why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you?” Lindstrom asked.

“Every time she comes close to an orgasm, she pushes me off and asks me to go make her a sandwich,” a man with a high, squeaky voice said.

“Why don’t you make her a sandwich beforehand?” Lindstrom asked.

Then, there was her voice again.

“You know, it’s funny,” Olivia said. “The first time I met my husband, we didn’t like each other all that much.”

“What was it that made you know?” Lindstrom asked.

“I don’t know that I can describe it,” Olivia said. 

“Why not?” Lindstrom asked.

“Because if I knew I wouldn’t be talking about my feelings on a radio show,” Olivia said, her laugh coming through just as clear as it had on Christmas Eve.

Elliot felt a twist in his gut.

“I guess it wasn’t one specific thing,” Olivia continued. “It wasn’t the lab rats or the donut. It wasn’t his smile or his smirk. It was just more of a feeling. It was like ‘Oh, so you’re that person I’ve been looking for. You just fit.’ It sounds silly, but it was almost like… Magic.”

“We’ll be back after this commercial with Dr. Peter Lindstrom,” the announce said, and Elliot promptly shut off the radio.

It was lunacy, that’s what it was, Elliot reasoned with himself. It was complete lunacy that he kept thinking about some women he didn’t know, had never seen or spoken to, who lived on the opposite side of the country. It was just some sort of silly phase or fad obsession in his head.

And yet, he couldn’t get the woman and her son off his mind, so he did the most logical thing he could think of.

He drove to Randall’s real estate office the next day so he could tell his brother what was happening and so that Randall would call him an idiotic shit and snap him out of it.

“Elliot, what the hell are you doing here in the middle of the morning?” Randall asked.

“Are you happily married?” Elliot asked.

“What?” Randall said, sounding more startled than anything.

Okay, that had been a poor choice of words on Elliot’s part since he knew Randall and Angela were on bad terms and faking it.

“I mean why did you get married in the first place?” Elliot asked. “Was it all fireworks and trumpets and stuff?”

“I got married because Angela said we had to break up or get married,” Randall said. “So we got married.”

Well, that sure sounded like a recipe for success. And eerily similar to his situation with Kathy, though Kathy hadn’t come right out and given him an ultimatum. She’d just hinted at how beautiful the rings were every time they walked past the jewlery store at the mall.

“Okay, but when you met her, did you believe she was like the only person for you?” Elliot asked. “Like there was nobody else in the world who you were gonna find that was going to measure up?

“Are you high?” Randall asked. “Nah, Elliot. When you meet some woman you’re attracted to it just means you think she’s hot. And if she feels the same way, she thinks you’re hot. And the two of you want to get it on. It’s just basic biology that helps you tell if you’re a match.”

Elliot realized this conversation was going nowhere, but it didn’t stop him from blurting out the wrong thing.

“I don’t even know her,” Elliot said. “But I keep thinking about this woman I’ve never met who lives in Oregon.”

“How in the hell do you even know someone in Oregon?” Randall asked. “You never travel. You don’t even have a passport. If you got any further away than Philly you’d probably spontaneously combust.”

“I don’t want to move to Oregon,” Elliot said. “But I also don’t want to end up always wondering what might have happened and knowing I could have done something. What do you think?”

“I think I have absolutely no clue what they hell you’re talking about,” Randall said.

Elliot grunted.

“Maybe it’s just cold feet,” Elliot said. “Everyone panics before they get married, right?”

“Hell yeah, I did,” Randall said. “Only sleeping with one woman for the rest of my life? Now that’s scary.”

Unfortunately, thinking about Olivia and her warm honey voice didn’t scare Elliot, but thinking about being with Kathy forever did.

“Thanks, Randall,” Elliot said. “You cleared a lot of things up for me.”

“What the hell did I even do?” Randall said, running a hand over the balding patch on his head.

But Elliot didn’t give him an answer, just slipped back out into the winter chill leaving his brother more confused than when he walked in.

Chapter Text

“You know, I have this friend who’s a body builder,” Fin, one of the criminal justice professors at the university said as they made their way through the line in the campus cafeteria. It was buffalo chicken pizza day, the only day of the month worth eating there.

“And what makes you think I’d want to date a body builder?” Olivia asked, tossing two slices on her plate and grabbing a single-serving packet of ranch for dipping.

“I don’t know,” Fin said. “I’m not sure what women want, but he’s got big arms.”

“I’m not asking you to set me up,” Olivia said, grabbing a table near the soft-serve machine that was relatively far away from the groups of students laughing and causing chaos. “I need your help figuring out what it is that men want.”

“Hell if I know,” Fin said. “I can only tell you what I like, but that’s not going to help you out with every man in America.”

“The fact that you can even say that sentence and have it be true makes me cringe,” Olivia said.

Fin took a bite of his pizza and chewed deliberately, as if trying to buy himself time before speaking again.

“Listen, you know the standard line,” Fin said. “Guys love T&A, long legs, pretty smile. Which, excuse the less-than-professional talk, but you’ve got all of that.”

Olivia smirked.

“You don’t have to worry in that department,” Fin said. “So, contrary to popular belief, men are looking for other aspects beyond the physical. You know, at least the ones actually worth your time.”

“It’s just hard to tell those ones from the ones who are acting like they’re normal when they’re actually disgusting pigs,” Olivia said.

Fin laughed around the rim of his glass.

“So when was the last time you were out there?” Fin asked.

“God, how old is Noah?” Olivia asked trying to count backward in in her head. “His age plus about three or four years. That’s when I met Ed.”

“So you haven’t dated at all since he passed?” Fin asked. 

“I’m just in a very different place than I was in my twenties,” Olivia said. “I was just starting out in my career, I didn’t have anyone to take care of or answer to. These days I have so much more responsibility. And I have more ambitions than quitting work and being a housewife, you know? And it just feels like so much effort to find a man who would get all of that. One who would understand that my son always comes first, and sometimes my work has to come second, and sometimes we as a couple have to come third.”

“Did Ed understand that?” Fin asked.

“Of course he did,” Olivia said. “He was a firefighter so his schedule could be crazy. He knew what the calling was like to help and serve people. I’m not saying being a professor is anything like being a first responder, but he understood when I needed to stay late to have an extra tutoring session with a group of students, or why I needed to spend extra time in the evening reviewing essays and providing feedback. We both understood that if our time was limited, what was leftover after work was prioritized for Noah.”

“Well, that’s gonna be a bit of an uphill climb when you’re just dating someone,” Fin said.

“How so?” Olivia asked.

“I guess the game has changed,” he said. “Now you gotta be friends first and figure out if you even like each other. If you don’t have any free time that will be hard to meet someone, let alone become friends with him.”

“Well, it’s not like I never have free time,” Olivia said.

“And you know, everything else will probably be sticky since you have a kid,” Fin said. “Running the bases and all that.”

Olivia cringed at the analogy.

“So basically, I’m screwed?” Olivia asked.

“Not getting screwed is more like it,” he said with a smirk.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

She couldn’t get Fin’s words out of her head. Until she got home at least and Noah wasn’t in his usual spot playing his Gameboy.

The house was quiet. Too quiet.

“Noah?” Olivia called, climbing the stairs.

When she got to the top, she noticed Noah’s door was closed. Slowly she turned the knob and peered inside. Noah was sitting in his blue blow-up chair listening to a Discman. And he wasn’t alone.

“Noah?” Olivia questioned again. He smiled when he saw her.

“Hi, Mom,” Noah said, sliding his headphones off. “This is Zara.”

“Nice to meet you Zara,” Olivia said to the little brown-haired, brown-eyed girl sitting way to close to her almost pre-teen in that chair.

“Mom, did you know that if you play this backwards it’s supposed to say ‘Paul is dead?’” Noah asked. “But we can’t seem to get the CD to spin in reverse.”

“That’s because it only works with the vinyl record,” Olivia said.

“How do you know that?” Noah asked.

“Because I know everything,” Olivia said with a smirk. 

As Olivia turned to leave, Noah called back out to her.

“Mom, can you close the door?” he asked.

Olivia turned back around and narrowed her eyes at him. She pulled the door almost shut, leaving just a little room for Jesus as the nuns at her prep school used to say, before heading back downstairs to her study.

She shook her head as she sat down in her desk chair. Somehow her son was having more luck meeting people and making relationships than she was. 

There was only one way to change that.

Olivia picked up the phone and punched in a number on the business card sitting on her desk.

“Hi, Kurt?” she asked when the man on the other end picked up the phone. “It’s Olivia Benson, from UO. I’m not sure if you remember me.”

Olivia had agreed to co-teach the creative journalism seminar with Professor Ganzer, and while he had turned out to be a complete creep, she was locked in for the semester. It hadn’t been all bad. They’d partnered with local news outlets to help the students hear from diverse voices and see what real-world experience in journalism was like. Through one of those partnerships she met Kurt Moss, one of the editors at The Daily News .

“Oh, you do?” Olivia responded when he said that he definitely remembered her. “Well, I was wondering if you’d maybe like to have a drink on Friday.”

Unfortunately, Kurt countered with dinner. 

“Dinner?” Olivia asked.

She wasn’t going to get back on the horse if she turned down the very first opportunity that she had.

“Sure, dinner,” Olivia said. “Dinner would be fine.”

Chapter Text

“Are you in love with him?” Cary Grant asked from the semi-busted TV in the precinct loft while Elliot picked through his container of lo-mein.

“I’m not now,” Deborah Kerr replied.

“Now, those were the days when people knew how to love,” Munch said, pointing his chopsticks at the screen.

Elliot should have known better than to let his new partner pick the show they watched while they ate dinner.

“You’re a basket case,” Elliot said, stuffing his mouth with noodles.

“They knew it,” Munch said. “Time, distance, nothing could separate them. Because they knew. It was right. It was real. It was—”

“A movie,” Elliot finished. “That’s the thing, Munch. The reason you’re single again is because you don’t want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not the one pining for some woman on the radio who lives across the country,” Munch said. “So which one of us is really living in Fantasy Land?”

Elliot scowled.

“Don’t act like you haven’t been trying to write her a letter during your downtime,” Munch said. “I saw you fold it up and put it in your pocket earlier this evening.”

Definitely a downside of working with other detectives.

“So, are you going to read it to me or not?” Munch asked.

Elliot wanted to say no, but the old man was staring at him expectantly, so Elliot yanked the heavily creased envelope out of his back pocket.

“Dear Overwhelmed and son,” Elliot started. “I’m not the sort of person who listens to call-in radio shows.”

“It’s no good,” Munch said. “Everyone starts a letter to a stranger that way.”

Elliot felt his hackles raise. He’d never been a writer. Letters were a particularly sore point for him. They always seemed to come out wrong.

“I know that,” Elliot said, jamming his index finger at the paper to show much the very next line he wrote. “I know it’s a dumb way to begin but I don’t know where to being. It’s the only way I can think of to tell you about what happened the other night when I heard the two of you on the radio. In some ways I think I’m losing my mind—”

“You are, my friend,” Munch said. “What about Kathy?”

Right. Kathy. The woman he was in love with.

“I’m still going to marry Kathy,” Elliot said. “I just have to—I don’t know—get this out of my system.”

“Right,” Munch said, his eyebrow raised.

“I should probably say something about magic in this,” Elliot muttered.

“Because she brought it up during the show?” Munch asked.

“I don’t know,” Elliot said. “I mean, what if this woman and I are somehow destined to meet but I never meet her? I sound like an idiot. Nobody talks like this.”

“Your destiny can be your doom,” Munch said. “Look at Gwen and I. She had those great pictures of the grassy knoll that she shared with me, which felt like destiny. And then it was utter chaos.”

Elliot looked at the rest of the blank page, not sure what else he was supposed to tell Olivia.

In the background, the movie continued to play.

“How about the top of the Empire State Building?” Cary Grant said. 

“Ooh, I know how you close it out,” Munch said. “Tell her you’ll meet her at the top of the Empire State Building at sunset on Valentine’s Day.”

“Are you insane?” Elliot asked. “I’m supposed to be spending Valentine’s Day with Kathy doing tourist things.”

“Well, this woman is from Oregon, right?” Munch asked. “Tourists love spending way too much money to go to the top of the Empire State Building.”

“During her episode she mentioned something about bodegas,” Elliot said. “She almost sounded like a New Yorker. Do you think they have bodegas in Oregon?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never been there,” Munch said, spearing a piece of chicken with his chopstick.

Behind them, Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant were still wrapped up in their dialogue. 

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories,” Kerr said.

Elliot glanced at Munch through the corner of his eye and the old man was crying. 

“I don’t think I get this movie,” Elliot said. 

“Someday you will,” Munch muttered, grabbing a tissue and loudly blowing his nose.

Chapter Text

Olivia bolted upright in bed when she heard the guttural scream coming from Noah’s room.

She tossed her feet to the floor, rushing as fast as she could, fearing the worst. When she threw open the door to his room, she was able to breathe a slight sigh of relief that he wasn’t being harmed or kidnapped. Her sweet boy was still asleep but plagued by a nightmare.

Olivia sat gently on the edge of his bed and nudged him slightly so he would wake up.

Noah sat up much like Olivia had just done, pulling at the front of his t-shirt, the collar soaked with sweat. He was taking deep breaths like he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs.

“It’s okay, Noah,” Olivia said, smoothing a hand over his curls. “I’m here.”

“It was on fire,” he finally choked out, reaching for a tissue on the nightstand to blow his nose.

“What was?” Olivia asked.

“The house,” Noah said. “There were flames under the doors and the windows, and I kept calling for Dad to come put it out, but then I remembered he was dead, and—”

Noah broke into another round of sobs.

“You were worried something was going to happen to us without Dad to protect us?” Olivia asked.

He nodded against her chest.

“We’re going to be all right, Noah,” she said, hugging him tightly. “You know that if anything like that ever happened, which it won’t, I would get you and we’d go to safety together, right?”

“But… but what if something happens to you too?” Noah asked, snuggling closer, something he didn’t do much of anymore. He also reached blindly behind him looking for something, and Olivia knew what it was. 

Eddie the elephant, Noah’s constant companion since he was two, had been wedged under the pillow during all his tossing and turning. She pulled Eddie out and handed him to Noah, who hugged the toy close.

“Sweetheart, you know I’d never make you a promise I couldn’t keep, right?” Olivia asked. “So I can’t say with 100% certainty that nothing will ever happen to me. But what I can promise you is that I will do absolutely everything within my power and control to stay with you as long as possible. And if I leave you, it won’t be my choice.”

“Why did he choose to leave us?” Noah asked. “Why weren’t we good enough for him?”

Olivia leaned down to press a kiss into his curls.

“You will learn as you grow up that life is complicated,” she said. “And people, even your parents, aren’t perfect. Daddy thought he was making the right choice. He thought he was protecting us from watching him get very sick and become a person who wasn’t like the one we knew. He didn’t realize that what he thought was right would feel wrong to us. But I do know for sure that you were absolutely the son he wanted, and he loved you very much.”

“I wish he was still here,” Noah mumbled.

“I do too, baby,” Olivia said. “But you know something I remember? When you were little, you would also have nightmares sometimes. I don’t know what they were about because you were too young to tell us, but when Daddy wasn’t working overnight at the firehouse, he would get out of bed and pick you up and rock you and sing you a song.”

“Landslide,” Noah said. “That’s what he would sing.”

“You’re right,” Olivia said. “That’s exactly what he’d sing.”

“I miss him,” Noah said.

“I do too,” Olivia answered.

Noah pulled away from her and sat back on his heels.

“What do you think happens to someone after they die?” Noah asked.

Olivia wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. Ed had been a lapsed Catholic when they met, but he still had strong enough faith that he wanted Noah baptized and to make some effort to raise their son in the church. Olivia, on the other hand, wasn’t raised in any religion, and she wasn’t sure what she believed. 

“I don’t know,” she answered.

“Do you believe in heaven?” he asked.

“You know, I’m not sure, honey,” Olivia said. “Daddy did.”

What she wasn’t going to tell Noah was that in Ed’s version of an afterlife, people went to hell for suicide.

“You know, sometimes I dream about him,” Olivia said. “We’ll talk and talk about you. He always seems to know what you’ve been doing or what you’re into lately.”

Those nights, she’d wake up with tears on her pillow and her cheeks, wishing life could have been different.

“I’m starting to forget him,” Noah said. “Just a little bit. Like what his voice sounded like or what his hugs felt like.”

“Well,” Olivia said, pulling back the covers in Noah’s small bed and pulling them both underneath. “If you feel yourself forgetting, you come to me. You ask me any questions you want, and I’ll remind you of anything you want to know.”

She thought maybe Noah would ask her another question about Ed, but when she looked down, he’d fallen back asleep against her chest, clutching Eddie the elephant like if he let either of them go, they’d disappear too.

Chapter Text

Elliot sat at his desk jabbing a pencil eraser into the blotter. 

They still weren’t anywhere on their Christmas rapes, and while Briscoe was trying to run leads, the squad room had been abnormally quiet since New Year’s. That was a bit concerning because crimes didn’t typically slow down at SVU, that just meant they were going unreported. 

But no matter the situation, Elliot found himself with some free time and he’d been trying to talk himself out doing what he really wanted to do. But then again, what was the harm?

Elliot picked up the phone and dialed.

“Yeah, Huang, it’s Stabler,” Elliot said into the receiver. “Yeah, I’m fine. We’re looking into an old case about victims of call-in radio shows. Do you know anyone who works for Dr. Peter Lindstrom?”

Huang, unsuspecting of what he was really asking about, rattled off the name of one of Lindstrom’s producers and told Elliot he’d be at court the following day if there were any other breaks in the case they needed help with.

Elliot didn’t exactly feel good about lying to Huang, but he didn’t feel bad enough to stop doing it when he called up that producer.

“Yeah, I’m a detective with Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit and a colleague of George Huang,” Elliot said. “We’re looking into the connection of a string of Christmas Eve rapes that may have something to do with the callers from your show that night. I understand you had one that night who—”

“Can’t give you names,” the producer said.

“Well, I know you’re not supposed to, but Huang said you might be able to help us out,” Elliot said. “We’re just trying to check in with all the callers to make sure they don’t have any connections to the crime.”

“Most of our callers don’t even live in the New York area,” the producer said.

“Right, all the more reason we want to check it out,” Elliot said. “I’d hate to think what would happen if it got out that your show was promoting sexual violence across the country.”

“Fine, fine, what do you need?” the producer asked.

“Names and phone numbers for all the guests who were on the air that night,” Elliot said.

There were only two, since Noah and his mom took up so much of the airtime.

Elliot dialed the number he’d scratched down on the pad and the phone rang and rang before kicking over to voicemail.

“This is the Benson-Tucker residence,” Noah’s voice said on the recording. “We’re not here right now but you can leave—”

Elliot didn’t need to leave a message. Their last names were all he really needed to hop into the database and try to find them.

First, Elliot types “Olivia Benson-Tucker” and nothing comes up. No hits for “Olivia Tucker” or “Olivia Benson” either, which Elliot supposed was a good thing because that meant she probably wasn’t a criminal.

He searched next for Olivia Benson-Tucker and Noah Benson-Tucker, but nothing popped for that either.

Elliot sat back and thought. A lot of people didn’t hyphenate, but when they did, the mother’s name usually came first, and the father’s second. So he tried “Olivia Benson” and “Noah Tucker” and got a hit.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the kind of hit he wanted.

He was able to pull a service record for a deceased NYFD Captain, Edward Tucker, who’d been gone close to two years. Olivia from Oregon had been from New York. That must have been how Noah even knew about Live with Lindstrom in the first place. There were always billboards and ads for is plastered all over busses and the train.

With that information, Elliot went to Google and found his obituary. 

Captain Edward Tucker, a longtime member of the New York Fire Department died last Friday at the age of 40. He’s survived by his mother Caroline, wife Olivia Benson, son Noah, sisters Stacy and Nicole, and various nieces and nephews.

Funeral 10 a.m. Thursday, St Angela’s Church, Brooklyn with Father Mick Gavin presiding. In lieu of flowers, contributions should be made to the NYFD Heroes Fund, the Tunnel to Towers Foundation, or the First Responder 911 Foundation.

Oh Christ.

Reading that made Elliot feel even worse. Olivia’s husband, her Ed, must have been part of the first responder efforts on 9/11. Elliot had been there too, though not at Ground Zero. They’d had him stationed at the Brooklyn Bridge, trying to get people across it and to safety without causing another incident.

Wanting to get those images out of his head, Elliot searched “Olivia Benson, New York” in Google and got a hit from Hudson University.

Accomplished literature professor heading to the University of Oregon .

It was a writeup from the campus newspaper about one of the students’ favorite professors. It praised her ability to bring classic literature to life, and also her quick sense of humor. 

Attached to the article was a photo of Professor Benson and it nearly took Elliot’s breath away. 

If he thought her voice was beautiful, well the rest of her was even better. Her dark, sleek hair, her curves, her dazzling smile. 

Something about her was enchanting.

Elliot clicked away from Google and made one final phone call.

“Hey Cassidy,” Elliot said when the other man picked up.

“Stabler,” Cassidy said. “What can I do for you?”

“You’re a private detective now right, after you left the NYPD?” Elliot asked. “Got a little job that I probably can’t do myself given that it crosses state lines.”

“What do you got for me?” Cassidy asked.

“How would you feel about taking a trip to the Pacific Northwest?”

Chapter Text

From her bedroom, Olivia could hear Noah and his new babysitter Lucy watching cartoons in the living room. She finished putting the back on her earring and slipped into her heels before taking a deep breath and walking down the stairs.

She was really doing this. She was really going out on a date. All the nerves were bubbling up in Olivia’s gut and she didn’t know how to feel.

Kurt seemed like a perfectly nice guy, but he wasn’t Ed. And as mad as she was at her husband, she still missed him like crazy.

“Lucy,” Olivia said as she stepped into the living room. “I should be back by midnight. Probably long before midnight.”

God, she hoped she was back before midnight. Was that a bad sign, to hope the date was over before it even really started?

“Olivia you look really pretty,” Lucy said, smiling. 

Olivia looked down at her outfit, a simple black dress, nothing too revealing. It didn’t exactly scream “take me now, Daddy” like she may have done when she was younger. The dress she wore on her first date with Ed… well, that one was meant to elicit a completely different reaction.

Olivia glanced over to Noah who was pawing through the latest sack of mail that showed up that morning. The letters weren’t slowing down, but they were all a lot of the same thing. Horny men who were looking for something easy. And Olivia Benson was anything but easy.

“Ooh, this one’s for both of us,” Noah said, opening the letter. “It’s from New York.”

She couldn’t think about yet another letter right now.

“Okay the number for the restaurant is on the fridge,” Olivia said. “I don’t think I’m forgetting anything else.”

“Mom, this is a really good letter,” Noah said, holding the paper up in the air.

“I’m sure it is,” Olivia said, grabbing her purse and digging through it to make sure she had the essentials. “I hate tiny purses. Why don’t they make bigger purses that carry more than some mints and a pair of earrings?”

“His name is Elliot,” Noah said. “Elliot Stabler.”

“That’s great, Noah, but I’m late,” Olivia said, making for the door.

“No, but you have to listen to just this one part,” Noah said.

“I can’t right now, Noah,” Olivia said. “Kurt is waiting for me.”

“Just this one part, okay,” Noah said, standing up from the couch. “He says, ‘New Yorkers definitely have their opinions on sports teams, and it’s very important that we agree here.”

“Noah, I really don’t have time to talk about sports right now,” Olivia said, grabbing her coat and her keys.

“Just wait!” Noah said. “He says, ‘It’s a well known fact that the Knicks, Rangers, and Mets rule all. It’s controversial I know. People from Brooklyn, Long Island, and the Bronx would probably fight me on it, but it’s very important to me that we see eye to eye on this.’ See Mom, he loves our favorite teams! Even the Mets , and you know how Dad felt about the Mets. And the Knicks!”

As a Brooklyn boy, Ed was definitely a fan of the Nets, and he would fight anyone who was against his precious Yankees.

“There are plenty of people who love the Knicks, Rangers, and Mets, kid,” Olivia said. 

“Nuh uh!” Noah said. “Most people like the Yankees and you know it. It’s a sign!”

“It’s not a sign, Noah,” Olivia said with a sigh. “C’mere.”

Olivia led Noah into the living room where he’d put up his scratch-off map from Christmas.

“Show me where Oregon is,” she said, and Noah pointed.

“Now,” Olivia said. “Show me where New York is.” 

Noah pointed again.

“You see there are like 46 states between us,” Olivia said. “Remember, we had a rule, only people who are around here.”

“But New York is home,” Noah said. “And Elliot wants to meet us at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day.”

Olivia rolled her eyes. The guy probably wasn’t even from New York if he was suggesting such a tourist trap on Valentine’s Day.

“It’s not happening, Noah,” Olivia said. “And now I’m not just late, I’m insultingly late. Be good for Lucy. Bedtime at 10. I love you.”

Olivia leaned down and pressed a kiss to Noah’s forehead before running out the door.

So what if that Stabler guy liked the same sports teams as them? That didn’t mean anything. She was on her way to a date right now, an actual date with a man who lived in their city and she was going to pretend to enjoy it. 

Fake it ‘til you make it, right?

Chapter Text

Olivia sat at the table nursing a glass of red.

Alone.

Olivia was late, but Kurt was later. Her cynical side wondered if he was going to stand her up. If he went back and listened to her “Live With Lindstrom” episode, realized she was a basket case, and bolted.

She took one more sip and glanced at the hostess stand, and there he was. He looked a bit frazzled as he pointed back to her table, gave the hostess a polite nod, and made his way over.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” he said, sliding into a chair across from here. “There was an eight-care pileup on the freeway and I had to make sure the team got dispatched and the night editors knew something would be coming in and to clear space.”

“Oh, I know what it’s like to be married to the job, trust me,” Olivia said.

“You know, the first thing I should have said to you is how lovely you look tonight,” Kurt said, smiling.

“Well, thank you,” Olivia said, looking down into her wine glass. She’d never been great at taking compliments, not even when Ed gave them. “You look nice yourself.”

“You know, I’m really glad you called me, Olivia,” Kurt said. “I wanted to call you but, well…”

“Well what?” Olivia asked.

“We met through work, so I didn’t know if it was appropriate,” he said. “I also didn’t want you to feel pressured to say yes or anything, if I was the first man you’d gone out with since your husband passed.”

Olivia’s tongue felt a bit dry. Maybe the wine hadn’t been such a great idea.

“Well, you are,” Olivia said. “The first man I’ve gone out with since he died.”

“Oh,” Kurt said, looking sheepish.

“So, I guess that calls it?” Olivia asked. “We’ll grab the check for the drinks and pretend this never happened?”

Kurt laughed.

“You’re a funny one, Olivia Benson,” he said. “Tell me something I’d be surprised to know about you.”

Olivia felt herself relax. The tension had broken. Maybe Kurt wouldn’t be the next Mr. Olivia Benson, but she could at least have some fun tonight.

Though, if she knew Brian Cassidy P.I. was sitting just a few tables away, conveniently hidden behind a potted plant and using it as a disguise for his camera lens, maybe she wouldn’t have relaxed at all.

Chapter Text

“So what’s the deal?” Elliot asked, shoving a bite of hot dog into his mouth as he and Brian Cassidy walked away from the cart. “Is she… are they… I mean they’re okay, right?”

“They got a nice little two story in the ‘burbs,” Brian said. “Well, I mean I guess what counts as the ‘burbs in a college town anyway.”

“I don’t really like the suburbs,” Elliot said.

“You grew up in Queens, man,” Brian said.

“That’s different,” Elliot said.

“Sure it is,” Brian said. 

“Well, what else did you find out?” Elliot asked.

“She’s an English professor,” Brian said. “Use to be a pretty big deal at Hudson. Followed in her mother’s footsteps with her career. Now she’s at U of O.”

“Is it U of O or UO?” Elliot asked.

“It’s U of O,” Brian said. “And I think those Quackers get mad if you get it wrong.”

Elliot grimaced.

“Anyway, here’s what she looks like,” Brian said, tossing him a printout of a photo.

She looked even prettier than she had in the photo on the Hudson website. Her dark hair was curling around her shoulders, her makeup was flawless, and she looked amazing in that little black dress.

“Wait, wait,” Elliot said, stabbing a finger at the photo, pointing to the back of some guy’s head. “Who’s that.”

“Guy she was on a date with,” Brian said.

“She was on a date ?” Elliot asked, feeling the green monster of jealously bubble in his stomach, where his hot dog should be.

“Dude, she went on a nationwide radio show and charmed more than half the men in America, including you,” Brian said. “Of course she was on a date.”

“Well, who is he?” Elliot asked.

“You didn’t pay me to look into that,” Brian said, polishing off the last bite of his own hot dog. 

Elliot scowled. He was already too late. Overwhelmed in Oregon… Olivia already had a new man in her life. And he was just some chump who should be worried about the girlfriend he had in real life.

Chapter Text

“You know, maybe we could go home for a weekend, Mom,” Noah said. “We’ll both be on spring break and we can go to a Knicks game. And since we’re there we’ll have to go to the Empire State Building—”

But Noah could tell that Mom wasn’t even listening to him.

“There he is,” Mom said, running her hands over her hair and adjusting the bracelet on her arm.

Noah looked at the man walking toward them in the outdoor market and he was carrying a giant brown bag.

“Why does he have that bag?” Noah asked.

“He’s going to cook something for us,” Mom said.

Well, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Mom had some of her staples, like Mac and Cheese and Pop Tarts, but she wasn’t exactly known for her cooking skills.

“Hi, Olivia,” the man said. “And you must be Noah.”

“Hi,” Noah said politely, but not excitedly, and turned back to his mother. “Anyway, we should book now. Zara’s aunt is a travel agent and she said we can get an excursion fare.”

“Not now, Noah,” Mom said, putting her arm around his shoulders and leading him back to the car, following close behind Kurt.

He wasn’t even able to bring up New York again at dinner because Mom and Kurt had been talking about boring grown up work stuff.

“I swear there’s nothing these students can do to please Ganzer,” Olivia said. “He keeps changing his mind on how he wants to grade their assignments. One minute they’re too creative, too ‘flowery,’ as he said. And the next he says they’re dry.”

“I know him pretty well,” Kurt said. “We did use to work together after all. Maybe I could call him and talk about it.”

“Oh, I’ve already solved the problem,” Mom said. “I’ve hired a hit man.”

Kurt laughed a hard, phony laugh. What Mom said wasn’t even funny.

Noah had enough of being quiet.

“Do you like sports?” Noah asked.

“I do,” Kurt said. “The paper has box season tickets to the Ducks. We could all go sometime.”

“Mom gets Ducks tickets for free,” Noah said. “What about baseball? Basketball? Hockey?”

“Well, I can’t say I’m too invested in any of those,” Kurt said. “I do enjoy golf. You know what can be pretty fun to watch? Soccer.”

Noah wanted to fake gag, but he knew Mom would probably shoot him that “don’t push it” look.

“What about camping?” Noah asked. “You like that?”

“Oh, I love camping,” Kurt said. “I was an Eagle Scout.”

“Mom hates camping,” Noah said. “And so do I.”

“I don’t hate camping, Noah,” Mom said. “I’d just prefer air conditioning. And coffee. And someplace a bear can’t decide to make me his breakfast.”

“That’s literally the same thing,” Noah said.

“You know what, it’s actually past your bedtime,” Mom said.

“It’s not even 10 o’clock!” Noah said. Mom usually let him stay up late on Fridays and watch infomercials with her.

“Noah,” Mom said. There was that “don’t push it” look again.

“Fine,” Noah said, sliding his chair back and heading for the stairs.

“Aren’t you going to thank Kurt for dinner?” Mom asked.

Noah stopped and turned around.

“Thank you for dinner,” he said. “I’ve never seen anyone cook chicken that way before.”

Kurt laughed.

“Goodnight Noah,” Mom said, blowing him a kiss.

Noah was annoyed as he put on his PJs and brushed his teeth. From the bathroom window he could see out to the back deck where Mom and Kurt were standing, each with a glass of wine. 

He watched them as he brushed, and then Kurt put his hand on Mom’s waist and pulled her closer.

Oh heck no! He couldn’t let this camp-loving, basketball-hating, chicken-cooking dude get close to Mom!

It was time to call in the professionals. 

Noah dropped his toothbrush in the sink without bothering to rinse it off, and he ran right for the phone.

Chapter Text

The phone on Elliot’s nightstand rang, knocking him out of his light sleep. He heard Kathy shuffle beside him as he grabbed it to check the caller ID.

Munch.

Damn it.

“Hello,” Elliot answered groggily, bracing for the details to a case.

“Turn on your radio!” Munch said through the speaker.

“‘S down in the sedan,” Elliot grumbled. “Why?”

“Not your scanner,” Munch said. “Your radio. Your regular radio. The kid is back on. Go turn it on!”

“Who is it?” Kathy asked, rolling over.

“It’s Munch,” Elliot said. “Wants to talk about a case or something. I’m going to take it downstairs.”

Elliot slid out of bed and took the stairs two at a time to get to the radio in the kitchen, flicking the knob on.

“This is a complete disaster!” Noah said over the airwaves, sounding exasperated. “I wanted her to find a husband but she’s got the wrong guy!”

“How am I going to explain this to Kathy?” Elliot asked Munch.

“Just hush and listen to the young Jedi,” Munch said.

Elliot rolled his eyes, grabbing the radio (luckily it was portable) and his cell phone, and trudged into the powder room, closing himself inside.

“Shouldn’t your mother be the judge of who’s right or wrong for her?” Linstrom asked.

“Please, don’t make me sick,” Noah said. “She doesn’t know what she wants. This guy is a… what’s the guy word for a hoe?”

Elliot laughed.

“Manwhore?” Lindstrom supplied.

“Yeah,” Noah said. “My mom’s been captured by a manwhore!”

There’s some clattering in the background, like Noah tripped or knocked something over.

“Oh no, we got a major problem,” Noah said. “He’s kissing her! He’s kissing her on the lips! I gotta stop them.”

“Noah, you can’t butt in here,” Lindstrom said.

“Watch me,” Noah said.

The last thing Elliot heard was Noah scream before the call got cut off.

He didn’t expect to mirror that scream when Kathy pushed open the bathroom door, catching him inside.

Chapter Text

“The detective, in the bathroom, with the radio,” Kathy said, flipping on the light and smirking.

“Jesus Christ, Kath,” Elliot said, his heart still pounding, though from being caught listening to a self-help radio show or from hearing that Olivia was kissing some manwhore in Oregon he wasn’t completely sure.

“What are you even doing in here?” Kathy asked.

“Uh oh,” Munch said, a hint of teasing in his voice. “Trouble in paradise?”

“I’ll see you at work,” Elliot muttered before disconnecting the call. 

“Why are you sitting in the bathroom in the dark with the radio?” Kathy asked.

“Munch wanted me to listen to some show,” Elliot said. “Thought the guy’s story fit the description of a perp we’ve been trying to catch, but it wasn’t him.”

“So are you coming back to bed?” Kathy asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. I’ll be up in a minute.

***

Meanwhile, across the country, Olivia was standing in the living room with her arms crossed staring down at a guilty looking Noah.

“Don’t you ever scream like that again unless you’re dying, being kidnapped, or the house is on fire,” Olivia said.

“I thought a saw a black widow spider,” Noah said.

“How would you even know what a black widow spider looks like?” Olivia asked. 

“I’ve watched the Discovery Channel,” Noah said.

“And what are you doing up?” Olivia asked.

“I was thirsty,” Noah said.

“There’s a cup and a sink upstairs in your bathroom,” Olivia said.

“Fridge water tastes better than bathroom water,” Noah said.

Olivia’s shoulders relaxed a bit.

“That’s true,” she said. “Why is that?”

“Maybe because the water from the refrigerator is colder?” Kurt guessed.

Noah scowled.

“Anyway, I should probably leave you two alone now, call it a night,” Kurt said, squeezing Olivia’s shoulder.

“Don’t you want to stay and help us find the spider?” Noah asked. “Since you like camping and creepy crawly things?”

Kurt winced.

“No, no,” he said. “I’ll leave that to you and your mother.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Olivia said.

“I think you better tuck him in instead,” Kurt said, jutting his chin at Noah.

And Noah had to bite back a smile. Round one to the kid.

Chapter Text

“Noah, this guy sounds like T.R.D.” Zara said, folding Elliot’s letter in her lap.

“What’s that one mean again?” he asked.

“The real deal,” she said. “You have to write him back.”

“Really?” Noah asked. “Don’t you think he’d rather hear from my Mom?”

“The letter is addressed to you too, isn’t it?” Zara asked. “How many of the others are?”

“None,” Noah said. “But maybe he was just being nice.”

“That’s why he’s Y.O.H.” she said.

“Yeah,” Noah said, shaking his head. “And what does that one mean again?”

“Your only hope,” Zara said.

About an hour later, Noah and Zara walked out to the mailbox. Noah crossed his fingers behind his back as he put the letter inside and pulled up the flag so the mailman would stop tomorrow.

Before he could do or say anything else, Mom’s car pulled up to the curb, and she looked mad.

“Noah Benson-Tucker, you get in this car right now,” Mom said through the open window.

Noah looked at Zara, eyes wide.

“I’ll call you later,” she whispered.

Noah gulped and turned back to meet his fate.

Chapter Text

“Did you call that radio show again?” Olivia asked as soon as Noah buckled his seatbelt. She peeled away from the curb, lucky her lead foot could go further in the wide open spaces of the Pacific Northwest the way it couldn’t in Manhattan.

When she looked at her son out of the corner of her eye, it looked like he was about to say “No.”

“Don’t you dare lie to me,” she said. “Everyone at work heard you. Or at least Fin did. So even if everyone didn’t hear it they’ll know about it soon enough.”

“I only called for a second,” Noah said.

“We had a deal that you weren’t going to call again at all,” Olivia said. “And you were on the phone long enough to call Kurt a manwhore.”

“Actually that was Dr. Lindstrom,” Noah said. “I just agreed.”

“Do you think this is a joke?” Olivia asked. “I just hope Kurt doesn’t know. It would have hurt his feelings.”

“He doesn’t have feelings, Mom,” Noah said. “That’s the problem.”

“Well, you earned yourself a month of no TV, no video games, and definitely no radio. You got that?”

Noah didn’t say anything, and Olivia turned the dial all the way down on the car radio. They drove home in deafening silence. It was probably the most silent time they’d had since Ed died.

She didn’t like it. But sometimes parents had to do things they didn’t like to help their children learn a lesson.

And Noah was going to learn to quit calling self-help radio shows if it killed her.

Nothing good could come of it. Nothing at all.

Chapter Text

Kathy wasn’t pleased with Elliot when he told her that he was going to have to go to Oregon for a case.

“Aren’t there other people who can go?” Kathy asked. “Ken?” “John?”

“I’m the one who struck up the rapport with the Oregon detectives, Kath,” Elliot said. “They’re expecting me. And I won’t be there that long. I’ll be home in a day or two, tops.”

“I just don’t see why you always have to be the one getting called in, flying across the country,” she said with a pout. “Doesn’t anyone else on your team ever work?”

“Yeah, Kathy,” Elliot said, trying not to grit his teeth. “They work damn hard. And to pull my weight, I have to do the same.”

Kathy sighed as she put the car in park at the curb for drop-offs at JFK.

“You’ll be back for Valentine’s Day, right?” Kathy asked, touching his arm as he moved to open the door. 

“Yeah,” Elliot said. “I’ll be back by then for sure.”

 Elliot leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek before sliding out of the car and grabbing his bag from the trunk. 

In about six hours, he’d be in Oregon.

***

About that much time later, on the West Coast, Noah was swinging side to side on a big pole in the lobby of the Eugene Airport, just before the security checkpoint. 

“Can I bring you something back from Chicago?” Kurt asked Noah. 

Noah shrugged.

“Does he like those little snow things, where you shake them and the flakes fall down?” Kurt asked Olivia.

Olivia looked over at Noah, sending him her most threatening Mom stare.

“That would be really nice, Kurt,” Noah said. “Thank you.”

“Well, I guess I should probably get through security,” Kurt said. “I’m still not used to all these new protocols, taking off your shoes and all that.”

“Yeah, you wouldn't want to miss your plane,” Noah said, sarcastically.

Olivia grit her teeth.

“He’s a preteen,” Olivia said.

“Yeah, I vaguely remember that age,” Kurt said. “Maybe when I come back he and I should spend some time together, just the two of us. What do you think?”

Something about that made Olivia’s stomach flip, but not necessarily in a good way. Kurt was fine, albeit a little boring. The only reason she’d even let him meet Noah in the first place was to potentially tamp down some of the Overwhelmed in Oregon business. Otherwise she never would have introduced a new man to her son that fast. Not unless she felt like it was a sure thing.

Kurt was fine. But he probably wasn’t forever.

“Sure,” Olivia said. “We can talk about it when you get back.”

Kurt squeezed Olivia’s hand, waved to Noah, and then headed through security. Once he was out of sight, Noah made a gagging noise and rolled his eyes.

“Noah, you’re not being fair to Kurt,” Olivia said. “You hardly know him. I hardly know him, and that’s why we’re dating. I’m not marrying him. You see the difference, right? That’s what single people do, they date to see if someone is a good fit for them. But nobody fits perfectly, especially in the beginning. Everyone is an adjustment.”

“Was Dad an adjustment when you met him?” Noah asked.

Was Ed an adjustment? Now there was a question. Did he piss her off? Yeah. Was he cocky as hell trying to split that donut with her? Definitely. But was he an adjustment?

“Dad was special,” Olivia said. “And I know that no man will ever measure up to him in your eyes. But I’m not looking for a perfect person, Noah. I’m just looking for someone nice who will be good to us. There’s no perfect man for me walking around out there.”

No sooner than the words were out of her mouth, Olivia turned to look back toward security. Her eye caught the exit, people getting off their planes, scurrying to hit the bathrooms before leaving and trying to figure out where to pick up their rides. 

There was a man coming out of there, hiking a duffle bag up on his shoulder. He was dressed casually in a t-shirt and jeans, brown hair cropped close to his head, arm muscles rippling as he gripped onto the bag. 

Olivia could have sworn she’d seen him somewhere before. But where? 

The man walked right by them. Well, maybe not right by them. He was a few yards away. It seemed like he was looking for the exit. Olivia tried to track him with her eyes without appearing too obvious. Something about him she just couldn’t shake, and she decided that she and Noah were going to follow him. Just until she could figure out why he looked familiar. 

“So I was talking to Zara about reincarnation,” Noah said as she nudged him toward the door. “And she thinks you probably knew Elliot in another life.”

“Who’s Elliot?” Olivia asked.

“The guy who wrote us,” Noah said.

“A lot of men wrote to us,” Olivia said.

“No, a lot of men wrote to you ,” Noah said. “Elliot wrote to us.”

Olivia was trying to listen, but also keeping an eye on the man. It was getting hard to do as larger crowds of people were moving through the lobby and coming between them.

“But Zara says you and Elliot never got together in that other life,” Noah said. “Like he was married or something and it just never happened. And your hearts are like little puzzles with a piece missing and when you get together the puzzle will be complete.”

Olivia lost sight of the man when he ducked out the side door to the pickup area. Probably someone’s husband and father, just trying to get home to his family. Maybe she had seen him at the grocery store or something. In any event, he wasn’t heading to short-term parking, where she had left their car. She sighed, putting a hand on Noah’s shoulder.

“The reason I know this and you don’t is because I’m younger and purer, so I’m more in touch with the cosmic forces,” Noah said.

“Hey, honey, do me a favor,” Olivia said. “Please don’t marry Zara and have some woo woo cosmic wedding.”

“No promises,” Noah said. 

Chapter Text

Elliot turned the knob on the sink in the gas station bathroom and didn’t really want to think about why the water had a slight yellow tinge to it. His hands were probably cleaner before he stuck them under the tap.

Finding his rental car had been more complicated than it should have been because the signage at the Eugene airport wasn’t as up-to-date as it was at JFK. By the time he finally found it he had to pee, and he didn’t feel like going back into the airport so he yanked the paper map out of the glove compartment and tried to find the nearest gas station. Which was apparently a Texaco that barely looked like it was still functioning.

Elliot went to grab a paper towel from the holder, but it was empty. He wiped his hands on his jeans and looked back into the mirror.

“Ms. Benson,” he said. “No, that sounds too formal. Olivia.”

Elliot shook his head.

“No, that sounds like I know her and I don’t really know her,” Elliot muttered to his reflection.

He shook his head and tried again.

“I heard your segment on Christmas Eve when I was driving up to my fiance’s family’s cabin,” he said and shook his head again. “No, maybe don’t mention Kathy.”

But why shouldn’t he mention Kathy. They were still getting married, right? He was just here in Oregon to… settle his curiosity. So he could go back home, back to the life he was planning with Kathy knowing that Mama’s magic didn’t really exist. 

Elliot couldn’t look in the mirror again before he left the bathroom because he knew he’d be staring at the face of a liar.

Instead, Elliot got back in his car and followed the map to the address the Brian Cassidy had given him. He parked down the block from the cute little two-story home. He was trying to work up the courage to get out of the car and walk down to the front door when he saw Olivia and who must have been Noah come out of it.

Olivia had a cooler in her hand and Noah was carrying what looked like a baseball and two mitts. They were smiling and laughing as they got into the car and Olivia backed out of the driveway.

Elliot knew he probably shouldn’t, but he tailed them to a nearby park. He sat in the car as he watched them set up a spot on the great lawn and unpack a picnic lunch of sandwiches and apple slices. He watched Olivia watch Noah as he went to play on the swings and then watched them play catch together.

The way she looked at her son made it clear that they were a package deal. Anyone who wanted to get close to Olivia would have to be okay with not being a couple, but a family. 

And the thing was, Elliot could see it. He could see being a step dad to a precocious preteen who just wanted his Mom to be happy. He could see himself sitting back on the blanket watching them play until he was invited to join in. 

More than anything, Elliot wanted to be worthy of belonging with them. He could never replace Olivia’s first husband and Noah’s dad, but he would love to find his own way to fit in with their little two-person team.

And that’s when he knew, it wasn’t the right place or time to go up to them and introduce himself. Not like this. Not intruding on their mother-son time.

So, instead of getting out of the car, Elliot drove back to the motel where he was staying the night. Just as he was getting ready to hit the sack, Munch called him.

“Well, any updates on the case of the lovelorn woman?” he asked.

“You gossip like an 80-year-old woman,” Elliot said.

“And you always indulge me,” Munch said.

Elliot sighed.

“I saw her playing with her son at the park,” Elliot said. “I kind of followed them there.”

“You tailed them,” Munch said.

“The semantics are not the point,” Elliot said.

“So, did you talk to her?” Munch asked.

“I couldn’t do it,” Elliot said. “I couldn’t intrude on them like that. I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”

“Well, that part’s simple,” Munch said. “You lied to your fiance and your boss and got on a plane.”

Elliot rolled his eyes. 

“That’s not what I meant,” he said. “I just mean, what am I doing thinking I have some sort of shot at getting to know them?”

“You’re going to go back over there tomorrow and talk to her,” Munch said. “Because you wouldn’t have flown all that way without a good reason.”

Elliot bit his lip.

“Hey, John,” Elliot said, his voice sounding smaller than usual.

“Yeah?” Munch asked.

“Am I crazy?” Elliot asked.

“No,” Munch said. “I think you’re just in love. It doesn’t have to make sense as long as it feels right.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

“Does it?” Munch asked. “Feel right, I mean.”

“It does,” Elliot said. 

“Then that’s all you need to know,” Munch said.

“Good night, John,” Elliot said.

“Night, Casanova,” Munch responded before hanging up.

Chapter Text

Elliot put his car in park across the street. He could do this. 

Olivia was just a woman. He met tons of those every day. Many of them a lot more distraught or in need of more help than she would be.

So why was he nervous?

Olivia and Noah had just pulled into the driveway and were unloading groceries. He could help with that. It’d be a nice thing to do.

Elliot opened his door and got out of the rental car, looking at Olivia and Noah from across the two lane street. 

He could do this. He’d flown like 3,000 miles, lied to his boss and his fiance. He needed to know if there could ever be something between him and Overwhelmed in Oregon, Olivia Benson, and her son, Noah.

Olivia and Noah were just turning to go into the house, and Elliot knew his window was closing. He stepped into the street but he stopped in his tracks when another car pulled up to the curb. 

A tall, lanky man with silver-streaked hair stepped out of the passenger side and pulled Olivia into a hug. She smiled wide, kissing him on the cheek. Noah dropped his bags back into the trunk of the car to run up to the man and hug him around the legs, and the man picked the boy up and swung him up into his arms.

Elliot felt his stomach sink. From what Cassidy had told him, Olivia didn’t have any family. Her mother was dead, her husband was dead, her father was MIA. 

The only explanation could be that this was her date from the photos Cassidy shared. They were together, in love now, and Elliot had made a fool of himself. 

There was nothing to do but go home with his tail between his legs.

Before Elliot could move out of the middle of the road, a FedEx truck came speeding up the lane, swerving around cars parked on the street. Elliot didn’t see it though because his eyes were still trained on Olivia.

The loud horn snapped him out of his reverie and he took enough steps back in time to stop the truck from running over his foot. The driver yelled some curse words out the window and gave him the finger as he continued on down the road.

So much for making an Irish exit.

When Elliot looked up everyone across the street was staring at him, including Olivia and Noah.

Olivia tilted her head to the side. Her big brown eyes were wide, like she was studying him. She took two steps closer to him before speaking across the space.

“Hello,” she said. 

“Hello,” Elliot said back. 

“Are you okay?” she asked.

Was he okay? No Elliot was decidedly not okay. He’d flown across the country for a woman who was already taken. He’d almost gotten run over by a delivery truck and made an idiot out of himself.

He had to get out of there before things got any worse.

“Just fine,” he said, before turning back to the car, sliding inside as fast as he could, and pulling away.

If Elliot would have looked in his rearview mirror, he would have noticed how Olivia frowned as he pulled away.

Chapter Text

“Why were you standing in the middle of the street?” Munch asked as he filled his coffee mug. 

“Because I was going to walk over to her and introduce myself,” Elliot said, leaning back against the counter that held their communal coffee pot. “You know that dream where like, you show up to school naked?”

“Ah, yes,” Munch said, taking a sip of his sludge. “It's another way for women to mock me, even when I'm unconscious.”

“Well, that dream is nothing compared to the humiliation I had. Nothing.”

“But she saw you, right?” Munch asked.

“She said hello,” Elliot said.

“And what did you say back?” Munch asked.

“I said hello,” Elliot said.

“It’s a sign,” Munch said, his eyes lighting up.

“How?” Elliot asked. “Because we both greeted each other like two strangers would? Although granted that’s not what usually happens after one of them almost gets run over.”

“It’s like that line from An Affair to Remember ,” Munch said. “And we were watching that when you wrote her the letter.”

“It’s a sign that you've watched that movie too many times,” Elliot said. “And I’ve been so stupid ever since I heard that radio show. I’ve been a complete idiot.”

Elliot walked over to his precinct inbox and dumped almost everything inside. Nothing but useless memos anyway. There were only three envelopes that looked like they needed his attention.

“You don’t know who that guy was,” Munch said. “Could have been her cousin or something.”

Elliot pulled the picture of Olivia he got from Cassidy out of his desk drawer.

“I saw him,” Elliot said. “He looked like this.”

“This is the photo of the back of someone’s head,” Munch said. “That could be me for all you know.”

“It was the same man,” Elliot said, sounding more sure of himself. “And she was crazy about him. So was her son.”

He flipped through the three envelopes in his hand. Junk mail sent to the precinct instead of his house. Follow up on a contact for a next of kin and… no. It couldn’t be?

“This is from Oregon,” Elliot said. 

He slid his finger under the seal and popped the envelope open. His eyes scanned over it quickly and he looked up at Munch.

“So, I mailed your letter,” Munch said, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Why in the hell would you do that?” Elliot asked. 

“Because you were never going to,” Munch said. 

“I didn’t even leave it out in the open,” Elliot muttered.

“Yeah, I know,” Munch said. “Next time you fall in love with some woman on the radio, leave the gushy correspondence somewhere other than the top drawer of your desk.”

“Listen to this,” Elliot said. “Dear Elliot. Thanks for your letter. It was neat. We’re very excited to meet you in New York on Valentine’s Day so we can see if we’re M.F.E.O. - Overwhelmed in Oregon.”

“What’s M.F.E.O?” Munch asked.

“I think it means ‘Made for Each Other,’” Elliot said. 

“It’s cute,” Munch said. “It’s like a little clue. And you’re a detective. You love those.”

Elliot rolled his eyes.

“Okay, so she’s not a writer,” Munch said. “Communication is highly overrated anyway.”

“She’s an English professor,” Elliot said. “There’s no way she wrote that. Someone is pranking me. It’s not you again is it?”

“I sent your first letter, but I didn’t write you a reply. I’m not that delusional,” Munch said. “Hey, maybe the kid wrote it?”

“Why would he do that?” Elliot asked.

“I don’t know,” Munch said. “The kid said he wanted his mom to find the right guy. Maybe he thought that was you. Maybe he thinks you’re M.F.H.M.?”

“And what the hell does that mean?” Elliot asked.

“Made for his mom,” Munch said, deadpan.

“You know, this whole thing was stupid,” Elliot said. “I’m engaged. This was just some dumb midlife crisis anyway.”

“But what about the letter?” Munch asked.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Elliot said, shoving it into his desk drawer. “It was written before I went out there. Before the manwhore.”

“You don’t even know—”

But Elliot didn’t stick around to let him finish, and headed off to the bathroom to lick his wounds in private.

Chapter Text

Olivia watched as Amanda tossed another log on the fire. One benefit of having a country girl for a best friend was getting all the benefits of the great outdoors without ever having to go out there yourself. 

Noah was curled up against Olivia’s side under a blanket, and Amanda made her way back to the loveseat to snuggle up against Sonny. They’d finally made it official, the psychology professor and the lawyer. She’d been his expert witness dozens of times before they finally gave into their very obvious attraction. 

Olivia and Ed had a bet on how long it would take them to get their heads out of their asses and realize they were over the moon for each other. She wished he’d been here to see it happen. 

“So, you saw him at the airport?” Amanda asked. “And then he showed up outside your house. Isn’t that a little stalkery?”

“I tried to find him at the airport but he didn’t see me,” Olivia said. “I… I can’t explain it. But somehow it feels like I know him. It’s weird.”

“Well, at least you’re out there seeing people again,” Sonny said. “That’s really good for you.”

“It’s just one guy,” Olivia said. 

“How’s Noah taking it?” Amanda asked.

“He’s not thrilled,” Olivia said. “Of course this was all his idea in the first place. He called one of those self-help radio shows a while back and told them I needed a new husband.”

“Oh we heard,” Amanda said. “He takes after you, ya know. Going after what he wants.”

“Yeah, well, now that I’m actually seeing someone, it’s a completely different story,” Olivia said, running her hand over his curls. “He’s latched onto this one guy who wrote me.”

“Really?” Sonny asked.

“He wants to meet me, well actually meet us, at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day,” Olivia said.

“So he’s a romantic?” Sonny asked.

“What do you mean?” Olivia asked.

“It’s from An Affair To Remember ,” Sonny said.

Olivia and Amanda looked at him blankly.

“Haven’t you two ever seen that?” he asked.

The girls shook their heads.

“It’s Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr,” Sonny said. “Women love that movie. Don’t they? My Ma and sisters did.”

“Sure honey,” Amanda said, patting his arm. “Blame them.”

“They meet at the Empire State Building,” he said. “Only they don’t because she’s all shrivled, and it’s a whole thing. You know what, never mind. You two don’t get it.”

Amanada put her head on Sonny’s shoulder.

“What kind of person writes to someone they heard on the radio?” she asked.

“I get hundreds of letters from men all over the country,” Olivia said. 

“Desperate men,” Amanda said with a smirk.

“Just because a man is looking for a smart, attractive woman doesn’t make him despeate,” Sonny said.

“Okay, what about love-starved?” Amanda teased. “You know they say it’s easier to be killed by a terrorist than to—”

“C’mon ‘Manda, don’t finish that sentence,” Sonny said. 

“Fine, fine,” Amanda said.

“Anyway, Kurt’s a nice guy,” Olivia said.

“But would you follow him through an airpot?” Amanda asked, cocking her eyebrow.

“He’s good and captable and smart,” Olivia said. “We hit it off. Maybe it’s not some romantic comedy fantasy, but real life isn’t like that.”

If Olivia hadn’t been so lost in her conversation, she would have realized Noah was only pretending to be asleep, and his dreams were being crushed slowly the longer his mom, aunt, and uncle talked. 

Mom was never going to go meet Elliot in New York, and they were never going to move home. And worst of all, Noah was going to have to eat Kurt’s gross chicken for the rest of his life. 

Chapter Text

Zara pulled a tissue from the box next to the couch and dabbed at her eyes.

“This is the most romantic movie I’ve ever seen,” she said.

“I don’t get it,” Noah said. “Mom and Aunt Amanda didn’t either."

“You have to go meet him, Noah,” Zara said. “You have to find him.”

“Okay, but how?” Noah asked. “You know how much it costs to get to New York, right? It’s a lot. And I only have $62.12 saved up.”

“The prices change like every day,” Zara said. “That’ll probably cover a ticket on a really crappy plane in economy. I have $120 saved and I’ll lend it to you just in case it’s more, and for the taxis when you get there.”

“Hey Z,” Zara’s dad said, sticking his head in the room. “Aunt Lara’s at the bank and I have to run into work real fast. Can you keep an eye on things out front for a few minutes until she gets back?” 

Zara looked over at Noah, a Grinch-like grin spreading across her face.

“Sure, Daddy,” Zara said.

As soon as they heard the front door shut, Zara pulled Noah through the house and out to the computer.

“Okay, Auntie Lara won’t be back for a little bit, we can book your New York plane ticket before she gets home,” Zara said.

“Can you really do that?” Noah asked.

“It’s easy,” Zara said. “You just type everything in. So do you want an aisle or a window seat?”

“Window,” Noah said. 

“Do you want the fruit plate?” Zara asked.

“I don’t know,” Noah said. “I’d rather have cookies.”

“Okay, then I’m not getting you a meal,” Zara said. “And I’m telling them you’re 14 so you can fly unaccompanied and they won’t make you have a flight attendant as a babysitter.”

“I don’t look 14,” Noah said.

“Look, I’ll just tell them you’re short for your age and you’re self conscious about it so they shouldn’t bring it up,” Zara said. 

She punched a few more keys and then flexed her fingers.

“Noah Tucker, you’ve got yourself a ticket to New York City for Valentine’s Day,” she said, literally patting herself on the back for all her hard (and incredibly sneaky) work.

Chapter Text

For some reason, Elliot always felt extremely out of place on Fifth Avenue. 

He was a Queens Boy. Blue collar people who did what they had to do to make ends meet. Fifth Avenue was the opposite. The lap of luxury where you could satisfy nearly any overpriced material want without putting any effort into it at all.

Kathy loved it here. She fit right in because she expected the best and she usually got it. Like right now, she was staring into the large glass window at Tiffany’s fawning over their Valentine’s jewelry collection. 

Elliot leaned against the marble wall and sighed.

“You know, Elliot,” Kathy started, turing to him and away from the windows. “Ever since Christmas, you’ve been different. Kind of distracted.”

“It’s not that I’ve been distracted,” Elliot said. “It’s just some of these cases at work, they’re really taking a toll.”

“I just… I wish you would come back from wherever you were. Wherever you went mentally”

“I’m trying, Kath,” he said. “I just… I don’t kow, maybe I’m nervous about the wedding. That’s normal, right? Don’t you ever feel nervous about it all?”

“About what?” Kathy asked.

“About forever,” he said.

Kathy tilted her head to the side.

“No,” she said.

“Well, I was,” Elliot said. “For a little while. Maybe I just… I don’t know. Maybe I was worried I wouldn’t be enough for you or something.”

Kathy laughed.

“Why would you think that?” she asked, taking him by the arm. “Now, come on. Let’s go inside. I saw this necklace that’s just beautiful and if you haven’t gotten a Valentine’s Day present yet, it’ll definitely give you ideas.”

But Elliot didn’t want to go into Tiffany’s. He wanted to get away from Fifth Avenue and the rich side of town. Except that wasn’t who Kathy was. It wasn’t who she would ever be. Sure, she was a nurse and she talked about making her way in the world, but the truth was she had a safety net. A big one. Her family was loaded and she never wanted for anything. 

Working for Kathy was more of a formality until she had that gold band on her finger, then she could focus on being a wife and a mother, and joining books clubs, and having sunday brunch at her parents’ country club. 

Her life just didn’t mesh with Elliot’s idea of the future. Sure, he wanted to be married and could absolutely picture some little Stablers running around. He wouldn’t even so much mind if his wife stayed home. But it was the entitlement thing that got to Elliot. 

Life had always been so easy for Kathy and her family. He had to work and grind since he was 15 just to stay afloat. He liked his job and sometimes, yeah, he actually enjoyed working long hours wrapped up in a case because it made him feel like he had a purpose.

Maybe that was their biggest difference. Kathy had a job. Elliot had a purpose.

And he sure as hell didn’t have the money to be buying some expensive ass Tiffany necklace for Valentine’s Day. But he’d do what he could. He’d look at what Kathy wanted and try to find the best knockoff he could get. 

If he was lucky, maybe she wouldn’t notice the difference.

Chapter Text

Olivia’s suitcase was flung open on her bed while she rummaged through her dresser looking for a very specific pair of socks. They were warm but not too warm. Cozy. The perfect kind to wear inside your boots when you’re going skiing for the first time.

It wasn’t that Olivia wasn’t athletic. She liked to run, had swam and played volleyball in middle school and high school. But there was something about learning to skii that unnerved her. 

“What are you looking for?” Noah asked from the doorway.

“My blue socks,” Olivia said.

“The fluffy ones or the other ones?” he asked.

“The other ones,” Olivia said. 

“Haven’t seen them,” Noah said.

Olivia sighed. She’d have to settle for the fuzzy ones then. They weren’t as warm and they shed. But they were right in the front of her sock drawer.

“I’m only going to be gone for one night, okay?” she said. “Lucy will be here and you two can play video games and watch cartoons as late as you want and I’ll never even know.”

“Are you going with him ?” Noah asked, not bothering to hide the disgust in his voice.

“ He has a name, Noah,” Olivia said. “Yes, I’m going with Kurt.”

Noah blew a loud breath out of his nose, stomped to his room, and slammed the door.

That was it. That was the final straw. 

Noah was the reason she even bothered to start dating again at all and now he wanted to pitch a fit over her choice in boyfriends. She shuddered a bit at that word. Having a boyfriend in your mid-thirties just felt ridiculous.

Olivia stomped right after Noah and swung his door open again.

“I get to have a life, too, you know,” Olivia said. “I get to do things that I want with people my own age, just like you get to spend time with Zara. And it’s none of your business who I go out with. You don’t get to be angry about it when you started the whole thing.”

“First of all, you don’t even want to go skiing,” Noah said. “I can tell. And second…”

He trailed off as he went over to his desk and pulled a piece of paper off the corner.

“I like this one,” he said, holding it up.

It was that letter from that Elliot guy. Noah had been talking about it for weeks.

Olivia huffed and started walking back to her bedroom, talking louder so Noah could still hear her.

“You think you like this guy, but the truth is you’re never going to like anyone because he’s not your father,” Olivia said, grabbing a thermal shirt and throwing it in her suitcase.

“Fine! I won’t say anything! See if I care. You can just marry a vampire, and I’m not even going to try to rescue you like the Hansen kids!”

“I told you that you weren’t allowed to watch that Disney movie,” Olivia yelled back. “But the point is, I’m not asking your permission.”

“What’s wrong with Elliot?” Noah yelled, bounding down the hallway.

“Noah, just STOP!” Olivia yelled. It was too much. His constant badgering over all of this was too much. She never wanted to be on a radio show, she never wanted to get letters from desperate men all over the country. And yeah, her perceptive child was right, she really had no interest in going away with Kurt tomorrow, but this is what you did. This is what you were supposed to do after you’d been dating long enough.

“Stop? Dad never told me to stop. He never yelled at me,” Noah said, appearing in the doorway, his face blotchy like he was going to cry.

“Your father absolutely yelled at you,” Olivia said. “Like the time you spilled grape soda all over the couch, or when you left your roller skates in the hallway and he tripped over them.”

“You said we could go to New York,” Noah said.

“No, I didn’t,” Olivia said.

“Did too,” Noah shot back.

“Noah, we’re not going back to New York. End of discussion.”

“I’m not leaving this room until you say yes,” Noah said, crossing his arms over his chest.

If Olivia didn’t do something now, she was going to say something she’d regret. So she did the best thing she could in the moment. She slammed the bedroom door in Noah’s face and locked it.

“You can’t lock me out!” he yelled.

“I just did,” Olivia said through the door.

“I hate you!” Noah shouted. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

“I’m sick of this melodramatic bullshit,” Olivia mubled under her breath.

Eventually Noah got sick and tired of pounding on her door. She heard him run down the hallway and slam his own door again. 

Olivia felt like she’d just been through 10 rounds in the ring. She slumped back against the door and let silent tears fall down her cheeks.

Chapter Text

It was 10 minutes to nine, and Olivia needed to be on the road… 20 minutes ago.

She knocked against Noah’s bedroom door. He loved to sleep in on the weekends but this was a little excessive. She wanted to see him before she left and make up. It was a rule she had, she wasn’t going to leave the house with them mad at one another.

“Noah?” Olivia called. “Lucy’s here and I’m leaving. I really want to say goodbye to you.”

But there was no answer.

“Noah, I know you’re still mad at me, but I really would like to see you before I go,” she said again.

Still no answer.

Olivia took a deep breath, trying to remind herself that she was the mom, and therefore had to be the bigger person. She turned the knob and peered inside, but Noah wasn’t there. His bed was fully made and Eddie the Elephant wasn’t in his prime spot on the headboard.

Next she checked the bathroom, then the basement. Lucy went out on the back deck and walked up and down the front street. And yet, there was no sign of Noah.

Olivia went out to the shed to see if maybe he’d taken his bike out for a morning ride, which he wasn’t supposed to do without permission, but his bike was right where he left it.

Olivia’s stomach dropped.

Where was her son?

***

At that same time, across town, Noah was getting off the airport shuttle bus. It wasn’t a far walk from their house to the stop on campus, and an even shorter ride to the terminal. 

He’d been to the Eugene Airport plenty of times now, when they moved here, when they dropped Kurt off and picked him up, when they dropped off Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny. Noah knew exactly where to go. He headed for the security line and waited his turn.

***

About an hour later, at the Amaro house, Zara sat in a dining room chair in the middle of the living room floor. She was still in her Lizzie McGuire nightgown, with her arms crossed and lips pursed. Standing around her were her father, her mother, and Olivia.

“Zara, this isn’t a game,” her father, Nick, a police officer, said. “If you don’t tell us where he is right now, I’m going to take you down to central booking and charge you with obstruction of justice.”

Zara rolled her eyes. Olivia had to stifle a laugh. Even she wasn’t buying Nick’s hard-ass routine.

Olivia tried a gentler approach.

“Zara, please,” Olivia said. “I’m worried about him.”

“Yeah, he’s worried about you too, Ms. Benson,” Zara said. “That’s why he’s doing this.”

“Doing what?” Olivia asked.

“Going to New York,” Zara said.

“What?” Nick shouted.

“How?” Zara’s mother, Maria, asked.

“Delta 5743,” Zara said with a shrug.

“How did you…” Nick started.

“Shouldn’t have taught me how to work the computer at Auntie’s shop,” she said.

“Zara, what time does his plane leave?” Olivia asked.

The young girl peered up at the clock on the mantle.

“Hmmm, about five minutes ago,” she said.

Olivia didn’t wait for anything else. She was headed for the airport.

The first thing she was going to do when she got home… back to New York… she was going to hug her son and tell him how much she loved him.

The next thing she was going to do was kill him and ground him until he was her age.

Chapter Text

Noah already felt better just stepping out of JFK and back into the city. Horns were honking, people were yelling, and the air smelled like diesel. 

He was home.

Confidently, Noah marched up to the curb and signaled for a taxi. Some of the travelers around him couldn’t understand why the taxis were stopping for a kid, yet they couldn’t hail one themselves. Noah wanted to tell them that New Yorkers just knew these things, but he just tossed his backpack in the backseat of the cab and climbed in behind it.

“Where to?” the Cabbie asked.

“Empire State Building,” Noah said.

“Seriously kid?” the cab driver asked. 

“Yeah,” Noah said.

The cabbie put the car in gear and they were off. 

“What are you going to do when you get up there?” the cabbie asked as they got closer. “You gonna spit off the top?”

“No,” Noah said. “I’m going to meet my… I’m going to meet someone important.”

“Sure ya are,” the cabbie said, pulling up to the curb. “That’ll be $45.”

Noah handed the guy a wad of cash.

“Keep the change,” he yelled, sliding out of the backseat, remembering how Dad always used to tip people.

As Noah stepped onto the sidewalk, an FDNY truck went whizzing past. He didn’t catch the company number, but somehow it felt like a sign. It felt like Dad saying, “I’m glad you’re back, son.” It felt like him saying, “I’m glad you’re going to meet the guy that will help take care of you and your mother.”

Noah smiled as he walked into the lobby. He bought his ticket, stood in the security line, and took the elevators up up up to the observation deck. 

Tourists were crowded around the fenced-off deck, taking pictures and looking through the telescopes. Noah didn’t really care about the view, he’d seen it all before. The people up here were more interesting to him than the buildings.

One of them was Elliot Stabler, and Noah was going to meet him, no matter what Mom said.

Chapter Text

Elliot pulled at his tie as he followed Kathy who followed the Rainbow Room waiter to their table. It was a late dinner. Elliot couldn’t even get a reservation until 9 at night, not for a window table. But at least Kathy got to go to the restaurant she wanted with a view of the city. 

Kathy was looking out the window with awe, but when Elliot caught a glimpse of the Empire State Building, he frowned. 

It was Valentine’s Day, and in his stupid letter he’d told Olivia and Noah that he’d meet them up there tonight. Obviously that wasn’t happening now. Not after he made a fool of himself in Oregon. He was with Kathy. He was supposed to be with Kathy. That was the responsible thing to do, the promise he’d already made when he proposed.

But for a moment, he wondered what would happen if he called the whole thing off.

“Is something wrong?” Kathy asked, looking across the table at him. She reached up to touch her Valentine’s Day present that he’d given her earlier in the evening. He’d sprung for the Tiffany necklace after the guilt from going to Oregon and lying to her had eaten him up enough inside. His bank account was still crying over it.

Elliot shook his head.

“May I get you two drinks?” the waiter asked, approaching the table?

“Can we do a bottle of champagne?” Kathy asked.

Elliot didn’t protest.

“Beautiful view, isn’t it?” Kathy asked, looking out the window again. “When you’re down in the middle of it all, it’s hard to see how amazing the city really is.”

Kathy wasn’t wrong there. Seeing things from high up had a way of changing your perspective. Up here, somehow, his longing felt magnified. 

“Are you happy, Kath?” Elliot blurted out. He couldn’t help it. He had to know.

“What kind of question is that?” she snapped.

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” Elliot said. “I just… I need to know. Are you happy. You know, with your life.”

“Are you asking if I’m happy with my life or if I’m happy with you?” Kathy asked, raising her eyebrow as the waiter brought over the bottle of champagne, uncorked in an ice bucket.

“All of it,” Elliot said. “You have to have noticed we’re more different than we originally thought.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t love you or care about you,” Kathy said.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Elliot said. “I think this is coming out wrong. But I just think… you want romance, and Valentine’s dinners, and Christmases at your family’s cabin. You like Tiffany jewlery and calling off work and—”

“And you don’t,” Kathy finished for him, her voice flat.

“Those things… they just aren’t me,” Elliot said.

“Then why have you been doing them?” Kathy asked.

“Because I wanted to make you happy,” he answered.

“So you thought trying to be someone you’re not was a good idea?” Kathy asked. “You didn’t think it was deceptive?”

“I wasn’t trying to be deceptive,” Elliot said. “I just, I love you, Kath. And I thought loving you meant doing things that would make you happy.”

“Don’t you think I want you to be happy too?” Kathy asked.

“But would you really be happy spending Christmas at home?” Elliot asked. “Hell, celebrating it on December 20 or 28 if I had to work? Would you be happy not making a big deal out of Valentine’s Day or getting a vacuum cleaner for your birthday, or spending summer Saturdays at the ballpark?”

“No, I probably wouldn’t,” Kathy said. “But you would be.”

“Yeah, I think I would,” Elliot said.

“So that’s it, huh?” Kathy asked, saying what he couldn’t. “This is the end of the line for us.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Elliot said.

“Just tell me,” Kathy said. “How long have you known?”

“I… I don’t know,” Elliot said. “I think maybe I knew before I really wanted to admit it to myself.”

Kathy just stared at him, waiting for him to say something else. Maybe even waiting for him to walk back his admission that he wasn’t happy. But it didn’t come.

“Well, if there’s nothing else to talk about, I think I’ll just go,” Kathy said. “Some of the single nurses from the hospital are going dancing tonight, and I think I’ll join them. I’ll spend the night at my parents’ and we can talk tomorrow about you moving out.”

“Is this really how it ends?” Elliot asked as she stood up from the table, sliding the engagement ring off her finger.

“No, Elliot,” Kathy said. “I think this is actually where things begin. For both of us.”

Kathy didn’t say anything else as she walked away.

Elliot sighed. He supposed that could have gone worse. He propped his chin in his hand and stared out the window, still looking at the Empire State Building. Elliot looked down at his watch and checked his watch. 

If he hoofed it, maybe he could make it there in time.

***

Across the city, a flustered Olivia Benson deplaned and rushed out of the terminal at JFK. She did not have time to be playing around. 

She’d called Kurt very briefly to explain that Noah had run off to New York and she had to go after him.

“He knows his way around though, right?” Kurt had asked. “He lived there most of his life He’ll be fine.”

It wasn’t that she had expected Kurt to drop his ski weekend plans and follow her to New York to find her son, but a little bit more concern would have been nice. Kurt just wasn’t really the “fatherly” type. 

Noah had probably picked up on that all along. 

Still fuming, she muscled her way through the crowd and hailed a taxi like she’d never left New York. She heard some muttered complaints around her from tourists who couldn’t get anyone to stop, but she honestly didn’t care. Noah was (hopefully) at the top of the Empire State Building, and she needed to get to him as soon as possible. 

***

Speaking of Noah, he was getting bored. He’d been up on the obserbatioin deck for hours. He knew he’d gotten there a little early, but he hadn’t wanted to miss Elliot. Except he was pretty sure none of the guys he’d seen so far today were Elliot Stabler. Most of them had been with other women or with their kids. Elliot wouldn’t do that. Not if he was coming to meet Mom.

Noah sighed. There were a few single-looking guys that came out onto the deck about 10 minutes ago. It couldn’t hurt to see if one of them was Elliot.

Slowly, he approached one guy who seemed fairly normal. 

“Hi, I’m Noah,” he said. “Are you Elliot?”

“Sorry pal,” the man said. “I’m Mike.”

Noah sighed.

He approached another man dressed in a suit. Maybe that made more sense. Elliot would want to dress up to meet his Mom.

“Are you Elliot?” Noah asked.

The man shook his head. 

“I’m Rafael,” he said.

This was hopeless. 

Annoyed, Noah sunk back against the wall of the observation deck and set his backpack next to him. It was getting dark out. The place was going to close soon. If Elliot didn’t come, what was he going to do?

Chapter Text

Olivia’s heart was pounding as she rode the elevator up with three couples who thought it was just the most romantic thing to go to the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. It surely wasn’t worth the $60 price tag in Olivia’s opinion, which made her wonder if Noah was even really at the top. Where would he have saved up enough money for the plane ticket and a ride to the observation deck?

She was the first one off the elevator and she made her way to the glass doors that led to the deck. People were still milling about, but not as many as she would have expected. Of course, they were closing in about 20 minutes, so maybe people didn’t see a need to stay until they got kicked out. 

Olivia began to make her way around the observation deck, looking for any sign of Noah. When she turned the corner, she caught sight of his backpack sitting next to one of the telescopes. And there was Noah next to it, sitting on the ground, knees pulled to his chest. 

“Baby,” Olivia called out before she could stop herself. Noah hated being compared to a little kid these days.

Luckily, he didn’t seem to mind. When he heard his mother’s voice he jumped up and ran straight into her arms.

“Oh my sweet boy,” she said, pulling him close. “You are all I have left in this world. What if something had happened to you?”

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Noah said. “I was scared of what you were gonna do.”

“When I found you?” Olivia asked, pulling back so she could look him in the eye.

“If I didn’t come here,” Noah said.

“What do you mean?” Olivia asked.

“I don’t want you to marry Kurt,” Noah said. “I don’t like Kurt. I’m never going to like Kurt.”

“Honey, if this is because of Elliot—”

“It’s not,” Noah said. “Elliot isn’t even here. He didn’t come, and I still don’t like Kurt. He doesn’t fit Mom. We don’t fit in Oregon. I miss it here with the buildings and the taxis and the FDNY trucks that make me think of Dad. I miss him. And maybe you’re right, I won’t ever like anybody because they’re not him. But at least when we’re here, when we’re home, he doesn’t feel so far away.”

Olivia could feel her heart breaking one piece at a time. What had she done? Why had she taken Noah so far from home and not realized what kind of cry for help calling a self-help radio show really was? Why had she ignored Noah when he told her that he didn’t like Kurt in the first place?

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to what you were trying to tell me, Noah,” Olivia said. “I’m sorry it took a big, deceptive, and potentially dangerous gesture for you to get my attention.”

“It wasn’t dangerous, Mom,” Noah said. “New York is home.”

“Even so,” Olivia said. “Please promise me that you’ll never run away like that again. If I lost you, sweet boy, my heart couldn’t take it.”

“I think I just want to go home,” Noah said.

It was a double meaning, and Olivia knew it. Home right now was Oregon. Noah wanted his bed and his video games, and his comforts. But he wanted them back here, in New York.

“Well, the best I can do tonight kid is to try to find a hotel,” Olivia said. “Or we can see if Uncle Sonny and Aunt Amanda will let us stay overnight. What do you say?”

Noah just nodded and hugged her again, burying his face in her stomach.

Chapter Text

Elliot hadn’t bothered with a cab. The walk from Rockefeller Center to the Empire State Building should have taken him about 20 minutes, but he was pretty sure he did it in 15 or less. 

He was on a mission after all. 

Elliot made it to the front doors and approached the desk. 

“Can I help you?” the man asked.

“Yeah, I need to go to the top,” Elliot said, slightly out of breath.

“It’s almost closing time,” the man said.

“It’s important,” Elliot said.

“By the time you make it up there you’re not going to be able to see anything,” the man said. “You’ll just have to ride right back down.”

Elliot didn’t have time for this. He pulled his badge out of his pocket and flashed it at the guy.

“Like I said, it’s important,” Elliot said.

The attendant huffed.

“Fine, but you can’t access the elevators from here,” the man said. “You gotta go around the side of the building and enter that way.”

Elliot tossed out a quick thanks and sprinted back out onto the sidewalk. He hung a left around the corner of the building and tried the next set of doors, but they were locked. He went further down the block and tried the second set of doors, but there was an attendant inside that shook his head and pointed further left through the glass.

Finally, Elliot made it to a set of doors that were open and he spilled into the lobby.

“We’re getting ready to close, sir,” another attendant told him.

Elliot pulled out his badge again.

“Look, I’ll be quick,” Elliot said. “I don’t need to see the museum or get the experience or anything, I just need to make it up to the deck before you close.”

The attendant smirked.

“Like An Affair to Remember ?” she asked.

“Something like that,” Elliot grumbled.

“C’mon, I’ll get you up there,” she said, leading him around the roped off lines and the security checkpoint straight to the elevators.

***

At the top, Olivia and Noah sat side by side on the ground of the observation deck for what felt like a long time. The sun had gone down, the building lights came on, and the crowd dwindled to just the two of them.

“Last call,” the elevator operator said coming out to the deck. “It’s closing time.”

Noah looked over at his mom. Elliot never came.

“This was stupid,” Noah said. “It was dumb of me to think he would come.”

“It was not dumb, sweetheart,” Olivia said. “That man made a promise, and if he couldn’t keep it then he’s not the right guy for us.”

“Maybe there isn’t a right guy for us,” Noah said, standing and grabbing his backpack. 

“Instead of trying to find me a husband, when we get home why don’t we get a dog?” Olivia asked as she followed Noah to the elevators. “We could name him something fun like Oscar or Titus.”

“Or Ophelia,” Noah said. “If it’s a girl.”

“We could do that,” Olivia said putting a hand on Noah’s shoulder as they stepped inside.

***

The ride to the observation deck only took a few minutes, but Elliot’s heart was pounding the entire way up. 

He was picturing it. The doors would open, he’d go outside, and there they’d be. Olivia and Noah waiting for him. And unlike back in Oregon, he could go to them and introduce himself and then they’d… well he didn’t know what they’d do at 10:30 at night., but they’d find something. Diners were open all night and the kid probably wouldn’t turn down a milkshake. 

But when the elevator dinged and Elliot stepped out into the lobby and pushed open the glass doors, he was met with only wind and the sounds of the city.

“Sorry, sir,” the attendant said. “But it’s empty.”

Elliot sighed. He looked around briefly. He’d never actually been up here before. Natives usually avoided tourist traps on principle. But Elliot just wasn’t quite ready to let the dream die. 

“Can I take a minute?” Elliot asked, and the attendant nodded.

He walked around, looking out at his city. If he squinted, he thought he could see all the way to his childhood home in Queens, but it was too dark to be sure. Elliot stopped by one of the telescopes, considering looking through it to see if he was right about seeing Queens. But when he looked down, instead he saw a stuffed elephant sitting there.

Elliot leaned down to pick it up, examining the well-loved toy. He’d at least take it back with him and give it to the attendant to put in the lost and found. Someone somewhere was going to be looking for this little guy.

He heard the glass door to the deck open one more time, figuring the attendant was going to tell him that his minute was up. Elliot looked up with a sigh, ready to let his silly Christmas Eve pipe dream die.

Chapter Text

Olivia leaned against the back wall of the elevator as it started its dissent from the observation deck. Noah was right next to her, safe and unharmed, thankfully. She could at least breathe a sigh of relief for that.

Until he started rummaging through his bag in a panic.

“What’s wrong?” Olivia asked.

“Eddie isn’t in here,” Noah said. “I had him when I was up there and he’s just gone!”

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut. That wasn’t just any old stuffed animal. It was a gift from Ed, named appropriately. And even though Noah said he was too old for stuffed animals now, he still slept with it and held onto it when he needed courage or needed to feel closer to his father.

She was about to open her mouth to ask the attendant if they could go back and look for it, but the man was already punching the right buttons to send them back up to the observation deck. Olivia mouthed a “thank you” to him and he just tipped his cap.

When they got back to the top, Noah tugged on her hand and went back to the glass doors.

“I think I left him by the—” 

Noah stopped short and Olivia didn’t realize why, until she looked up.

Standing there, right outside the glass door near the telescopes was the man from the airport and from outside their house. 

What on Earth was he doing here, at the top of the Empire State Building holding Eddie the Elephant?

“It’s you,” Olivia said, almost without realizing she said it.

“It’s me?” the man asked.

“You… you were at the airport,” Olivia said. “In Oregon. And you were outside my house. And now you’re here?”

Olivia saw the man’s cheek’s redden, even in the dark.

“Are you… Elliot?” Noah asked.

“I am,” he said. “Elliot Stabler, nice to meet you.”

“Wait wait,” Olivia said, letting go of Noah’s hand and shaking her head. “You’re Elliot , the guy from the letter, too?”

Elliot nodded.

“So you must be Olivia and Noah,” he said. “This guy wouldn’t happen to be yours, would he?”

“Yeah, that’s Eddie,” Noah said. “He’s named after my dad.”

“Well, he must be pretty special then,” Elliot said. “I’m glad you came back to get him.”

“Thanks for finding him,” Noah said, taking Eddie and clutching him to his chest. 

Behind them, one of the elevator operators cleared their throat.

“Well, we better go,” Olivia said, putting a hand on Noah’s shoulder.

She saw how Elliot’s face fell when she said it. Like he’d resigned himself to this being the end of the story.

But Olivia had so many more questions.

“You coming?” she asked, holding out her other hand to him.

Elliot’s eyebrows knit together and then the realization washed across his face. She wanted him to come with them. He took her smaller hand in his larger one and Olivia felt an electric spark go through her body. 

It felt right.

The three of them walked to the elevator, Noah happily clutching Eddie, standing between the two of them and smiling, like he knew it was going to work out all along.

“So you saw me at the airport?” Elliot asked. “And you didn’t say hi?”

“You came to my house and almost got run over by a FedEx truck before you even tried to talk to me,” Olivia said. “So maybe we’ll call that even?”

Elliot laughed.

“Speaking of which, showing up at our house was a little stalkery,” Olivia said. “How did you get our address.”

He blushed and pulled his badge out of his pocket. 

“I may have pulled a few strings at work,” Elliot said. “But I work in the Special Victims Unit. I promise, I’m not a stalker or any other kind of creep.”

“I think I’ll be the judge of that,” Olivia said. “Noah, too.”

Noah nodded his head, still smirking.

“And, you gotta know, my dad was an FDNY firefighter!” Noah said. “He always kicked your butts at the softball games!” 

“Hey, man, I’m trying to impress your mom!” Elliot said. “Don’t bring that up!”

“If she’s going to like you, she’s gotta know the good and the bad,” Noah said.

“You’re right,” Elliot said as they returned to the ground floor, the elevators opening and sending them out through the gift shop. “Since we can’t really stay here, how would you two feel about going to a diner? There’s one just a few blocks from here.”

“Can I get a milkshake?” Noah asked. “And pancakes. And home fries?”

Olivia looked like she was about to protest, but she bit her lip at the last minute.

“I won’t be offended if you say no,” Elliot said. 

The truth was, Olivia was scared. This felt different than it did with Kurt. It felt more like when she first met Ed. There was a spark. There was intrigue. There was… magic. 

And it terrified her. Because she’d felt that once and it was the worst pain of her life to let it go. Was she really strong enough to try again? 

“Please, Mom?” Noah asked. “It’s still Valentine’s Day. We should at least celebrate.”

Noah and Elliot both stared at her expectantly, matching nervous smiles and matching blue eyes. And it just felt clear. She could see it. She could see this being her future if she’d just let herself have it.

“I guess one milkshake couldn’t hurt,” Olivia said.

“Yes!” Noah shouted, fist-bumping with Elliot before pulling his backpack off and stuffing Eddie inside. 

Elliot held out his hand, just like she’d done to him back on the observation deck. She took it, and they walked that way to the diner, Noah walking just a few steps ahead, following Elliot’s directions of where to stop and where they would cross. 

Olivia looked up to the sky, and even with the light pollution, she swore she could see one star in the night, twinkling, and when she blinked it was gone.

Chapter Text

* 5 Months Later *

“I think that’s the last one,” Elliot said, pulling the packing tape wand across the top for the third time. For all the things Olivia and Noah had left behind in a storage unit in New York, their book collections obviously made the cut to fly across the country.

“Be honest, you’re just glad as hell I hired movers to haul them back across the country,” she said, wrapping a bowl in bubble wrap and putting it in a box. 

“Uh, yeah, I am,” Elliot said. “I like to read a much as the next guy, but I didn’t know when I agreed to help you pack that I was going to be boxing up an entire library. These things weigh a ton.”

“I’m an English professor , El,” Olivia said. “I couldn’t just leave them behind. What if I needed to teach one in class?”

“ You’re just lucky we found a place with a loft so you have somewhere to put them all,” Elliot said, standing, his knees cracking as he made his way over to where she was standing against the kitchen counter. 

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t have let me put bookshelves up in our room if there wasn’t any other place for them to go,” Olivia said. 

“It could have been a discussion,” Elliot said, pulling her out of the kitchen and over to the couch. “But what’s not a discussion is that you need to take a break with me right now.”

“Elliot I don’t need a break,” Olivia said. “I have done this before, remember. I know what my limits are.”

“Yes, but that was such a long time ago,” he said, pulling her down next to him on the couch. 

“Not that long ago,” Olivia mumbled. 

Noah picked that precise moment to run in through the back door. He’d been so excited to move back to New York and move in with Elliot that he’d had his entire room packed weeks ago. He got to enjoy himself while she had to finish boxing up the rest of the house. Luckily Elliot had taken a week to help her and fly back with them.

“Guys, guys, check out what I taught Ophelia,” Noah said, bounding into the living room with his sweet new five-month-old black lab/boxer puppy trailing behind him. 

Olivia had wanted to wait until they got back to New York to look for that puppy she’d discussed with Noah at the top of the Empire State Building, but when she saw an ad in the paper for this sweet girl who needed rehomed because her people had to take in a sick relative, they were both goners for those big, sweet eyes and lots of kisses.

Noah brought Ophelia into the middle of the room and pulled a treat from his pocket.

“Okay, Phee, just like outside, ready,” Noah said, holding the treat in the air. “Sit!”

Noah pointed at the dog’s behind and she sat down, happily thumping her tail and wiggling her butt, waiting for her reward.

“Good girl!” Noah yelled lowering his palm and letting her lap up the treat from inside of it.

“That’s great, Noah,” Elliot said, a big smile on his face. “You’re training her so well. She’ll definitely be one of the most well behaved dogs on the block by the time we get home. She has the best big brother.”

“Well, I have to get my practice in,” Noah said, coming over to sit between them on the couch, before leaning down and pressing a kiss to his mom’s stomach.

“Remember, Noah,” Olivia said. “We’re not telling anyone about this for a while. It’s only been about six weeks and—”

“You don’t want to jinx it by telling people too early,” Noah said. “I know. But I can’t help that I’m excited. I mean now that you and Elliot are engaged and I’m going to have a baby brother or sister, and we have a dog, it’s like we’re a real family again.”

Olivia smiled and ran a hand over his curls. 

“Well, thanks for pushing your Mom so hard to let me into the family, bud,” Elliot said, pulling Noah backwards around the shoulders for a hug. 

“Obviously you were the only choice,” Noah said. “We couldn’t let someone in who rooted for the wrong sports teams.”

Elliot laughed as Noah jumped off the couch, calling Ophelia to follow him up to his room, which she did, obediently.

Olivia moved closer to Elliot on the couch and put her head on his shoulder, and he put a hand to her stomach, something he’d been doing instinctively since the stick turned pink a few weeks ago.

“Do you think if Noah and I had stayed in New York we still would have met?” Olivia asked, putting her hand over his. “Do you think we’d be in this same situation right now?”

“What, engaged, baby on the way, amazing kid and a rambunctious puppy upstairs?” Elliot asked with a chuckle. “I think it’s possible. We probably crossed paths a few times and didn’t even know it. Noah did say Ed used to play in the NYPD/FDNY softball tournament. I played almost every year.”

“Maybe that’s why you felt so familiar when we met,” Olivia said.

“I don’t really care how we came into each other’s lives,” Elliot said. “I’m just glad we did. You, Noah, the baby… it all just fits.”

“I really didn’t think I could ever find someone again after Ed who did fit this way,” Olivia said. “He sort of felt like the once in a lifetime for me, but then I met you.”

“You know I’m not trying to replace him, right,” Elliot said. “Not for you or for Noah.”

“I know that,” she said. “I’ve heard you once or twice when you’ve stayed over. You got up with Noah when he had a nightmare so I could sleep, but I woke up anyway. I’ve heard you two talking. You ask him questions about Ed, you remind him that his dad is still with him somehow. Most men wouldn’t do that.”

“Well, maybe more men should,” Elliot said. “Just because we’re building a new future doesn’t mean I expect or want either of you to forget your past. It’s what got us here after all.”

“Yeah, the past, and my son calling a self-help radio show,” Olivia said.

“And him doing something extremely dangerous, flying across the country to meet a stranger,” Elliot said. “Thank God it was me and not some trafficker or something.”

“I think all those SVU talks with him have helped, hun,” Olivia said. “We want him to be cautious, not afraid of his own shadow.”

“I just want him to be safe,” Elliot said.

“And you’re doing a great job of it,” Olivia said. “Between Ed’s fire safety lectures and your SVU talks, Noah will be the safest kid in New York City.”

Elliot laughed.

“But you know, I think what really won me over was the diner date on Valentine’s Day,” she said. “Some guys would have had some big romantic thing planned, or had tried to get me away from Noah because Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love and sex, not your kids. But not you. It was charming.”

“It’s not like it was an act, babe,” he said. “You know I came from a big family and also from a working class background. A diner date with your son was exactly my speed. Not to mention I hadn’t thought beyond actually meeting you two.”

“I still can’t believe you thought Sonny was my boyfriend,” Olivia chuckled.

“Well what was I supposed to think?” he asked.

“Knowing what you know now, is he even remotely my type?” she asked.

“He has blue eyes,” Elliot said. “And has a big family, and he’s Catholic.”

“None of which you knew from across the street before you almost got run over by the FedEx truck,” Olivia said. 

“I’m sure glad we can laugh about that now,” Elliot said. 

“I’m looking forward to laughing with you, and at you, for years to come,” Olivia said, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. “I’m also glad that even though you stalked my house, you weren’t actually a stalker.”

“I prefer to call it a stakeout,” Elliot said. “I wanted to meet you, but I also didn’t want you getting mixed up with someone who would hurt you or Noah.”

“Your heart was in the right place,” Olivia said. “But thank God you’re off the market. Another woman may not have been as understanding as I was.”

“Off the market for good, babe,” he said. “I’ve got everything I need right here.”

At the top of the stairs, out of view, Noah sat with Ophelia in his lap, smiling to himself.

He’d pulled it off. Mom was happy, he was going to be a big brother, he had a dad again, they were moving back to New York, and as a bonus he got a new puppy. Mom had even agreed that Zara could maybe visit them over spring break next year, if they promised not to pull any more ridiculous stunts.

Things had worked out exactly like he’d hoped. There was no reason for him to listen to “Live With Lindstrom” ever again.