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Jules was sitting down on her table, by herself, as usual, the loner kid as usual (both by her own choice and both by the fact that every kid saw her parents disrupt the nativity demanding that Jules get home and help them prepare dinner) when something small ran up to her and jumped down on the seat next to her. Jules tensed her shoulders, ready prepared for an insult, then blinked twice when she finally braved herself to look up and see a set of bright teeth smiling at her and two really cute eyes shining at her.
"Hi, I'm Mika. I'm new, my family moved here yesterday. I noticed you in my math class. And then noticed you sitting by yourself. I'm kind of a weirdo, too."
And Jules just smiled. She didn't know why, but she did. And that was enough.
---
They were now seven and their little Californian street was buzzing with spring fever. "Be careful" Mrs Yasuda warned when Jules stopped by to see if Mika could come out and play.
"She's safe with me, ma'am," Jules said, a toothy grin and big bright eyes beaming with reassurance.
They followed a warm breeze into the playground just across the street from the elementary school. Jules closed her eyes, kicking her legs in front of her, then underneath to give the swing she was on a quiet momentum. Beside her, Mika tugged gently on the chains of her own swing, content just to dig her heels in wood chips. A flag waved nearby, emitting a sort of musical clanking into the atmosphere. Mika absently counted three beats. On four, she thought of her new baby sister and smiled because she can't wait to show Chloe the world.
There was an increase in happy chatter as an ice cream truck stopped at the corner. Perhaps that was why neither of them heard the crunch of wood chips behind them.
"You’re on our swings."
Jules brought her swing to an abrupt stop, glancing first at a confused Mika before taking a look over her own shoulder. A few boys waited expectantly and Jules rolled her eyes, softly instructing Mika to simply ignore them.
The boys didn’t let up, they rarely do, and suddenly Mika found herself lying in wood chips, thrown off the swing without a second thought. There was laughter and for the first time in her life (but not the last) it was the kind that hurt.
Quick to drop to her knees, Jules helped Mika sit up and did a quick, analyitical scan for injuries. "You okay?, she asked, and Mika was too embarrassed to offer anything more than a nod. Jules' eyes flashed with anger and then suddenly she stood tall then.
It was through tear-brimmed eyes that Mika watched Jules slam her palm against the cheek of the offender.
---
They ended up hiding behind the ice cream truck. Mika was afraid that if she went home now, her mother would see her crying and never let her play with Jules again. The thought stings more than the cream Jules had in her pocket and used to used to clean her scraped knees.
"You didn't have to hit him," Mika whispered, even though it was just the two of them.
"I didn't mean to," Jules mumbled, almost solemnly. She wasn't looking at Mika now, she was examining her palm like it didn't belong to her.
Mika sniffled, a little, the embarrassment finally leaving her. "Then why did you?"
Jules looked up at her. "He hurt you."
Mika blinked at Jules. There was a small quirk of the lips, as if Jules meant to say duh. Mika shifted on the ground, shaking the eye contact and smiled to herself.
"Does your hand hurt?"
"Not as much as his face does, I bet."
Mika giggled and that was enough.
---
They were ten and climbing trees. It was the first time Mika convinced Jules to join her. The biggest branch was sturdy and so they dangled their legs over it, sitting close together and watching the neighborhood light up with a setting sun and fireworks.
"You can borrow my dad", Mika said, adjusting so she was facing Jules, one leg on either side of the branch and palms flat against the bark between them.
Jules followed suit, moving to face Mika and steadying herself, the branch still a bit shaky from their movements. "He talks a lot."
"Yeah. He’s boring."
"...But he’s here."
"I’m here."
Jules dropped her head. "I know."
Mika leaned forward just as a summer breeze rolled in, pressing a kiss to Jules' cheek.
her eldest brother's laughter comes hurtling through the yard, waving a sparkler in every direction. "Jules and Mika sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-"
"Mike!" their mom appeared on the front step. "Stop teasing the girls." Her eyes drifted up towards the tree. "And you two come down from there. we’re having ice cream soon," she smiled and Mike followed her inside.
Jules started to climb down, found herself distracted and falling the last few feet, scratching her palms on tree bark and landing on her back. Mika jumped the rest of the way down and immediately reached out to Jules. "Are you okay?"
The truth of the matter was that, no, she wasn’t. There was heat building behind her eyes and she wished it away but all she can hear is her mother's voice saying Don't mess this up, baby, don't fuck up like you usually do.
Jules tried to nod but she was dizzy, her hands scratching at the ground in an attempt to right herself. Mika helped her to her feet and led her to the porch swing, kneeling down in front of her. She gently took Jules' hands and turn them over, flinching empathetically at the sight of blood slowly oozing from her scratched palms.
A series of fireworks busted in the air, bigger and brighter now that the sun had disappeared gone. It was the 4th of July and Mika's family had invited her to celebrate with them and Jules brought her baby brother with her because even if her parents didn't see an issue with leaving a baby alone in a damp, roach invested house with no electricity, Jules did.
Jules closed her eyes against the explosions as they grow in volume, her head starting to spin. Mika left for a moment and came back with a damp rag and a box of power ranger band-aids. Jules wanted to laugh- she always wanted to be a Power Ranger- but she didn’t seem to have the energy.
"Do you ever want to go up to space?"
Mika looked up, and it took a second for her to smile. "Yeah," she started slowly, thinking as she cleaned Jules' wounds. "All of us, you, me, my parents, your brother, my siblings... well, maybe not Mike," and Mika's smile widened when she saw Jules smirk. "We'll all steal a rocket and we'll fly up with the fireworks and we get to see the whole world. Dancing with the colours."
Jules managed a sad smile. It was a comforting image. It almost made Jules forget the stinging. "And we'll be safe?"
"We'll be safe."
And that was enough.
---
They were thirteen and Jules was supposed to be helping Mika with her math homework. but Mika just had her first kiss and that took precedent.
Jules was the first person to hear about it and at first she was excited. but they were sitting on opposite sides of the porch swing with an unreadable distance between them and she suddenly felt a huge pan of jealousy buried underneath.
It was a pivotal moment; the pull in her stomach caused the sight of Mika to provide something other than comfort for once in their lives, and Jules didn’t know why.
Jules wrung her hands together, frustrated suddenly because she couldn’t seem to stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss Mika.
She wanted to go home.
"It was silly," Mika offered and it sounded like she had two people to convince.
There was an implication Jules won’t hear for years, but she stayed anyway and that was enough.
---
Mika opened up the door and her easy smile dissolved into something resembling alarm when she took view of the tears down Jules' cheeks and the whining five year old boy pulling at her arm.
"Jules. What happened? Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry... I didn't know where to go. I'm sorry, I shoudn't be here, I'm so sorry..." Jules was blabbering, so full of emotion as she struggled to keep from breaking down and Mika quickly grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.
"Stop. You're okay. I promise. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out. You’re not alone. You don’t have to go through this by yourself."
Jules nestled her head into Mika's shoulder, shaking in her embrace and holding onto her just as tightly. If Mika could never let her go, she could forget about the danger she was putting her in, the murderous look in gaunt faces and sharp hands that dragged her out of the bed, throwing harsh questions at her asking where were her parents, where was the money, questions she didn't know and ultimatums she had to figure out. She was only fifteen and she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.
"We should have stayed." Doug's voice was hardened and resentful, glaring up at Jules and Jules couldn't look at him, not now.
"It's okay," Mika reassured her gently. "You're safe here. We're a team, you got my back, I got yours."
It took a while but they finally convince Doug to come with them, him giving them resentful glares as he did so. Jules ended up in Mika's bed, every movement seemed painful, but Mika kept speaking softly, guiding her step by step.
And as Jules slept in Mika's arms, feeling safer than she ever had felt before, she allowed her brain to shut down and not think of contingencies.
And that was enough.
---
I’m so tired of your – of your condescending bullshit!” Jules yelled. “None of my boyfriends are ever good enough – you’re always critical of something!”
“I’m just so sick of seeing you let these dicks treat you like crap, Millin!” Mika bit back, angrily swiping an errant strand of hair from her face. “You’re better than this” she added, and Jules' cheeks flushed a dark, livid red.
“No one could ever live up to these expectations, Yasuda!” she cried.
“I would,” Mika snapped, and then immediately brought her hand up to her mouth in horror, eyes wide as she and Jules regarded each other with identical expressions of shock. A rather conspicuous silence fell.
Mika paused for a moment, her eyes bulging, then takes a deep breath, squared her shoulders, met Jules' gaze straight on, and, voice steady, repeated herself, “I would”.
“I’d call you after dates, and send you flowers, and never tell you you were being stupid when you were upset, and I know it’s not the same for you Jules, and I’m sorry, I swear I’ll stop being so critical, I haven’t been fair to you and I–"
Mika trailed off in confusion as Jules smiled. It was hard to tell in the dim light of their room, but Mika could swear there there might be tears in her eyes. She felt rather breathless as Jules stepped forward to interlace her fingers with her, her heart nearly exploded.
“But – you don’t -” she started, biting her lip.
“I didn’t tell you about all the dates I’ve been on,” Jules told her with a smile. When Mika continued to stare at her wordlessly, Jules added, "You were so critical of the boys, I was just so afraid what you might say about the girls."
Mika huffed out a slightly hysterical-sounding giggle, shaking her head and reaching up with her free hand to swipe at her eyes.
"God, I've been so stupid," she giggled, and then Jules took another step forward to cradle her face and pull her into a deep kiss.
They were eighteen and it should have been enough.
---
But it wasn't.
---
Because childhood was over and with that came college applications. And with those came figuring out what they would do about their relationship when college started.
"They want me to try the East Coast," Mika murmured to her in the dark. "They're thinking of Dartmouth."
"You should go," Jules murmured back, doing her best to keep the tears hidden. It was only a year and it was the best year of Jules' life. Which was why she ought to have realised it was never suppose to last. Mika's family was proud, too proud to remain for long in a place where the only lights in the skies now were the police. Mika was meant for great things, the things Jules hoped for as well, but she knew for a certainty for Mika.
Who was she to stand in Mika's way?
"It's everything you were hoping for, you deserve this chance."
Jules held her breath, waiting for Mika to ask What about us? but the words never came. They knew what was over before it even began.
She told herself she didn’t care. Jules let herself be fooled, let herself fall into the dream that someone would love her, someone would want her. Perhaps she would feel resentful towards Mika if it wasn't for the fact that Mika was pure sunshine and deserved to travel among the stars, more than anyone else Jules knew. So she kept it all hidden.
When the day came, both of them were reluctant to say goodbye.
As her parents finished loading up the car with her stuff, Mika and Jules sat on the front steps of the house, silent as they both were dreading today. Not only were they breaking up, they were going no contact. It was going to hurt and absolutely suck, but Mika thought it would be best.
"I'm really going to miss you. You've...you changed my life, Mika." Jules said, a few tears falling down her face as she said it.
"You changed my life, too. I don't know what I would've done without you. You'll always be my favourite part of my life. You have to get out of here, okay? And you have to get that internship you were talking about. And you have to work hard, harder than you ever have before, and be the amazing doctor I know you will be. Are you listening?”
Jules looked like she wanted to argue, shoulders all pulled up to her neck like she got whenever she had to chase after Mika for leaving her dirty socks bunched up in the bathroom behind the toilet, but all the fight seemed to deflate from her, evaporating like a balloon.
“I promise,” Jules said, words solemn and soft and sacred. She was desperately trying not to sob now. Because it feels like a final goodbye. Like she will never see Mika again.
"I'm so sorry."
Jules was no longer a girl living in her trauma, and that was because of Mika.
A large part of her didn't want to go through with this breakup. She couldn't even really remember why she wanted it in the first place. But here they were, spending their last few moments together. Unsure of if they would ever see each other again.
And the theory that if you really aren't meant to see someone, you won't, even if you live in the same town? Yeah, that was true for them.
A teary-eyed kiss and a long, tight hug later, Mika walked over to the driveway, opened the car door, and sat down quickly. Before Jules knew it, Mika was gone.
---
The suddenness of it all had shattered her, leaving her feeling lost and adrift. It was a wound that never truly healed, even as time moved on.
Jules built walls around herself. The only constants she knows were work and the aching disappointment in her chest.
She found herself throwing herself into her work, determined to prove that she could be a great surgeon—one who didn’t falter in the face of adversity, even as her personal life spiralled into a series of fleeting encounters with inappropriate people. It was easier to distract herself than to confront the gaping hole in her heart. Man or woman, it didn’t matter. If Jules did take someone home with her, she herself was already gone before they woke.
She made it out of that torn neighbourhood, made it to Seattle, found a sweet, loving, stubborn old lady to share a house with and whom becomes Jules' closest friend.
She got a bit of a reputation in med school for being cold, refusing to attach herself to anyone, focused only on school - a bit of a robot. She couldn’t find it in herself to really care, she pushed herself hard, needing to keep it together, needing to get out of her situation, needing to be anything other than where she had come from.
Because no one would come as close to Mika.
Nothing would be enough.
---
So she found herself in Grey's Sloan Memorial. The hospital of legends, and her standing in the doorway trying not to feel inadequate.
She took a deep breath and walked forward, doing her best to keep her cool, to keep her walls up. It will be work, it will be where she could excel and forget her damage.
At least that was what she thought before she walked into the locker room.
She took stock of her fellow interns. Seeing a short, curly hair girl looking around her with a familiar aura of weariness. A scruffy looking intern who keeps looking back at Dr Shepherd with something resembling longing. A tall boy with slick hair and a sense of entitlement. And--
And-
Shoulder length jet black hair,
A vibrant aura of energy,
Two shining eyes filled with a sharp sense of humour,
Mika.
Jules dropped her bag, her breath coming up short. Three set of eyes look at her with confusion, but the one that matters the most didn't look up let, engorged by whatever was on her phone before the sound resonated in her ears.
She looked up, a joke on her lips, before her eyes widened.
"Jules..."
Jules forgot everything, every pretence of being cool and walked faster than she ever had and wrapped Mika in her arms. Mika jumped into her arms, burying her head into Jules neck and squeezing her in her arms.
An awkward cough from behind them and they finally broke off. They looked at each other and Jules took in Mika. She looked the same yet she looked more beautiful.
"Hi," Jules whispered.
Mika grinned broadly at her. Like she just saw her yesterday. "Hi."
---
They were residents now, exhausted to the point of madness after their first day and Seattle was buzzing with spring fever. There was an illusion in the air, a fleeting thought that the seemingly constant grieving will be over soon. but Jules kept losing love everywhere she looked and so she found her way back to Max's house, tracing her fingers over the porch, carvings fading along the the top plank like undying faith at its conceptual core.
"Jules?" Mika's voice fluttered in like the weathered butterfly behind her.
She turned around, seeing Mika tip toeing on her feet, more nervous than she had ever seen her. "You okay?"
Jules nodded, even shoot for the added yes. it’s an unnecessary lie but she tells it anyway. She could feel Mika's eyes on her, closed her own when it gets to be too much. The wind rocked a little as Mika scooted closer, settling her fingers in between Jules' without a second thought.
"There's something I forgot to tell you, all those years ago," Mika murmured and Jules waited in anticipation.
"I love you." . It was unprompted, gentle, certain. Jules' mind started to swim.
"Don’t. I need you to be safe. I... I need to be safe."
"I'm safe with you, and you're safe with me," Mika told her, eyes shining like she meant it. Like this mattered.
And that was enough.