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Lan Wangji woke up experiencing an excruciating headache. He was lying on the bed of the inn, his robe and headband all messed up, just like the state of his mind. He put his hands on his head and tried to think of what could have happened the previous night for him to turn out like this. When the memories of it started flooding his mind, he froze.
He was already spending all his time trying to make sense of everything that had happened since Wei Ying came back. Hearing his own song from a stranger’s flute–realising it couldn’t have been a stranger after all… Lan Wangji knew with all his heart that it was Wei Ying, it must have been Wei Ying whom he saw that day. There were no doubts in his heart. The sliver of hope that Wei Ying would somehow be back one day did pay off. And somehow, Lan Wangji always knew that he would recognise Wei Ying if he came back in a different body, even in the strangest of circumstances. He would recognise Wei Ying’s soul in a heartbeat.
It really was strange though. Lan Wangji knew in his heart that he had given up all hope of Wei Ying’s possible return. Grief had become a part of his daily routine. Waking up, taking care of his responsibilities, trying not to think about Wei Ying, having his thoughts linger around Wei Ying’s smile…
It was not easy, anyone could guess that. It was even harder than people would think. Because he had someone who reminded him of Wei Ying every time he smiled. Lan Sizhui. He was the only thing Wei Ying left behind that needed to be taken care of. Lan Wangji knew he had a duty above everything else. A duty to keep protecting Lan Sizhui. He knew that’s what Wei Ying would have wanted.
So that’s what he did. For 13 years he did the duty his clan expected of him. And he did the duty he deemed the most important. Raising Lan Sizhui. Even though Wei Ying had no biological ties to Lan Sizhui, the resemblance was still uncanny. Or that is simply what Lan Wangji saw, he was always searching for Wei Ying and Lan Sizhui was the closest thing to him.
Lan Wangji continued holding his head in his hands and took a heavy breath. The recollection of memories from last night now all came back to him and he had no idea what to make of any of it. Lan Wangji getting drunk and losing himself like he never had before… What was he even thinking?
And how did that even happen? He had lost himself to intoxication before but it had affected no one else other than himself. But this was different. This resulted in Lan Wangji and Wei Ying kissing.
Lan Wangji knew there was no way Wei Ying could have feelings for him. At least not the way he would hope for. That was obvious to him, especially with the way Wei Ying had acted towards Lan Wangji right before getting consumed by the darkness. What was he supposed to make of last night then? As far as he knew Wei Ying hadn't even been that intoxicated. And Lan Wangji highly doubted that Wei Ying would do something like that for no reason.
A panic settled within Lan Wangji. Is it that he was too obvious about his feelings that Wei Ying wanted to repay him? Lan Wangji felt disgusted with himself. This was wrong. All of it was so, so wrong.
He shook his head. Wei Ying would probably never want to talk about this again. And Lan Wangji definitely did not want to talk about it either. So that was it then. It was just a drunken kiss Wei Ying stole from him, just like the one Lan Wangji stole from Wei Ying back in the day. He closed his eyes remembering that moment. Lan Wangji getting so worked up and not being able to control himself against blindfolded Wei Ying, pressing his own lips against Wei Ying’s. It was never spoken of again and Wei Ying never figured out who kissed him back then. This kiss also had to be just like that. Nothing more, nothing less. Never to be spoken of again.
But he just could not stop thinking about how soft Wei Ying’s lips were. It was different than how it felt before, now that Wei Ying was in a different body. Lan Wangji felt uneasy. He did not care what Wei Ying looked like, he would love him in any shape or form, but it still felt uncanny. His Wei Ying in a completely different body…Granted after 13 years his memory of Wei Ying was getting hazy, despite how much Lan Wangji thought about him, but it was the little things Lan Wangji would remember about Wei Ying that showed him how different things were now. The smile Lan Wangji adored– the same smile he could see the glimpse of on Lan Sizhui, it was all different. And that made Lan Wangji uneasy. There were more traces of the original Wei Ying on Lan Sizhui than there were on the new Wei Ying.
He shook his head again. This was wrong. Wei Ying was unexpectedly back from the dead and that was enough for Lan Wangji. He hoped for nothing more than seeing Wei Ying happy at the end of the day. And that is probably why he felt so off about what Wei Ying did last night. He did not want him to feel like there was something to be repaid for. Lan Wangji wanted Wei Ying to find the girl of his dreams and live a happy life with her. Lan Wangji’s own feelings were irrelevant. Wei Ying deserved the happiness he could never have in his first life.
Lan Wangji finally decided to get up and his eyes lingered around the room they were staying in as he tried not to think about last night. He must never give into his impulses like that ever again. He must never let his lips touch an ounce of alcohol ever again. He sighed.
His eyes fixated on Wei Ying who was curled up like a ball on the floor. That must be uncomfortable, Lan Wangji thought. He guessed that Wei Ying was too embarrassed about sleeping next to Lan Wangji after everything that happened. Panic settled within him again. I can’t make Wei Ying feel uncomfortable like this, he thought.
Having to sleep on the same bed as Wei Ying was already crazy enough for him. He knew it was for convenience purposes but he really was starting to get used to sleeping side by side with Wei Ying. That scared Lan Wangji. Never in his life would he have thought he could get this physically close to Wei Ying. It felt so wrong but so right at the same time. He sighed. He needed to compose himself before Wei Ying woke up. It would be better for Wei Ying to think that he did not remember anything that happened last night, just like what happened every time Lan Wangji had a drop of alcohol. He did not understand why he remembered everything this time. He wished he could wipe his memory.
Lan Wangji slowly got closer to Wei Ying and prepared himself to pick him up and lay him down to bed. He instinctively pushed some of the hair that covered his forehead. His touch was soft, he did not want to wake Wei Ying up. He was not sure if he was ready for confrontation yet, so his touch was as soft as it could ever be. He picked Wei Ying up slowly and walked as slowly as he could towards the bed and laid him down. For a second it looked like Wei Ying was about to wake up but sleep won over him. Lan Wangji released the breath he was unknowingly holding while carrying Wei Ying. Well, that is it then.
For a while he could not let himself leave Wei Ying there and he just let himself admire him. It was scary how easy he got used to seeing Wei Ying in a different body. It even felt like the face he was currently staring at was Wei Ying’s face all along. He hated that thought. He did not want to forget anything about Wei Ying, even if it was his old body that had been shredded to pieces by the darkness. He hated when things about Wei Ying started to get hazy, but there was nothing he could do about this, and not to mention that he had no right to think about this. Especially when Wei Ying was right in front of him and Lan Wangji knew he would love him in any shape or form.
After a while, he decided it would be better if he left Wei Ying to get his rest by himself. A walk would be nice for Lan Wangji too, after everything that happened. His head was a mess. He went downstairs carefully so as to not wake up the juniors. He was in no headspace to interact with anyone right now, he really needed to clear his head.
His whole life he knew he could have no desires getting in the way of his way of responsibilities. Wei Ying was always a disturbance in his life. He was everything Lan Wangji was not. And Lan Wangji fell in love with the one person he could never be with.
He always had that conflict between his mind and his heart. He knew Lan Clan rules had to be obeyed. And he had always done so. Maybe that was his biggest problem. Letting the rules control his life and not helping Wei Ying when he needed help the most. Letting the rules get in the way of his moral compass… and letting them get in the way of his heart. It was his only regret in life. If he did what he knew was right, if he had stayed by Wei Ying’s side and never swayed, maybe then everything would be better. Maybe Wei Ying would not have gotten hurt this much.
Walking around the trees by the inn, his thoughts lingered. If he tried to change the things he did back then would anything really be better? If he disregarded the feelings of everyone else who looked up to him in the Lan Clan, and went with what he deemed as correct, would it all turn out well? Could it have saved Wei Ying? Everyone being against Wei Ying, could Lan Wangji alone help him fix everything? Probably not, if he really thought it through. The only thing that would change would probably not have been for better, Lan Wangji would probably receive a worse punishment and maybe even would not be able to meet Wei Ying 13 years later. Still, the regret of it all was eating his heart up.
Alas, nothing could be done about the past. That is why protecting Wei Ying and staying by him was the most important thing to him in the present. He would not let anything get in the way of Wei Ying’s happiness ever again. He was prepared to sacrifice anything, including the precious rules he always abided by. His other responsibilities meant nothing to Lan Wangji, there was only protecting Wei Ying now, this was decided long before Wei Ying’s resurrection. He did not care about being the role model for others anymore. He was going to do what his moral compass deemed right and that always has been standing by Wei Ying’s side.
Lan Wangji took a long breath. The walk was nice but it was most definitely not helping him handle his feelings. It was expected though, Lan Wangji was never a person who could actually deal with his own feelings, he would just ignore and repress them as much as he could. If Wei Ying hadn't suddenly come back, this probably would have kept working for him too. But now that he was here Lan Wangji’s whole world was turned upside down.
Lan Wangji thought it would be best if he tried to meditate in the middle of nature. It was surprisingly secluded, considering it was not that far away from the inn. He closed his eyes and felt an ounce of peace which he had not felt for a really long time. At the end of the day, Wei Ying was back and that was all that mattered to him. Anything else was irrelevant. He thought about the elders of the Lan Clan and their expectations. It was this hypocrisy of the Lan Clan he could never understand. Supposedly they were the good guys with high moral compasses but they all turned their backs on Wei Ying even when they knew he was in the right. And Lan Wangji had joined them back in the day. No more.
He thought about the juniors of the Lan Clan and how much they looked up to him. Now that he thought about it, he was also doing this for them. He wanted the future Lan Clan members to actually have good moral compasses instead of acting like they did just to protect the reputation of the Lan Clan. Eventually this was also going to be better for the juniors, Lan Wangji decided. He had to make them see that Wei Ying was never in the wrong and rules did not have to be that strict when it came to tricky situations like Wei Ying was stuck in. Life was unpredictable at the end of the day, even though they acted like everything was always under their control.
Lan Wangji let his thoughts flow away for a while and then decided it was finally time to go back. While walking back to the inn, he agreed on his earlier thought of acting like he did not remember what happened last night. He usually did not remember anything that happened while he was intoxicated anyway, this time must have been an exception. Lan Wangji hated that. He wished he could pry open his mind and take out every single memory of the previous night.
He sighed. At the end of the day, no matter what happened, he did not regret loving Wei Ying. For such a cold looking guy, he was a romantic under all that layers. He knew loving Wei Ying turned him into the best person he could ever be, and he would forever be thankful for that; even if Wei Ying would never realise the impact he had on Lan Wangji. It was like there had been three lifetimes of yearning for Lan Wangji. Loving Wei Ying in Wei Ying’s first life, loving him after his death, and loving him after his resurrection. And Lan Wangji was prepared to have a dozen more lifetimes of loving Wei Ying.