Chapter Text
Rainy laid on her bed for hours, it seemed. She couldn't sleep.
Her thoughts were a mess of self loathing and self destructing ideas.
Neither particularly pleasant.
She didn't know who she was or what she was doing.
Alone in the middle of space.
She didn't even know who she was before the enterprise! Aside from the few remaining records of her existence that had been found.
Not that those were especially enlightening.
Everything felt like a chore weighted down by cement stuck to her limbs, pointless and more trouble than it was worth. Sleeping was the only escape and even that she was bad at.
As she had also noted there weren't many clocks in the enterprise, and her quarters were no exception.
On her bedside table was a single
bottle of prescription pills… maybe,–she wondered– maybe this was her solution.
—
The kid was not in the medbay as scheduled. She wasn't a remarkably punctual individual by a long shot, but her enthusiasm to learn was enough that she would show up mostly on time.
Bones reluctantly had accepted her as her little intern of sorts, and she was always excited to learn, he had to admit it was nice to have company in the sickbay. He still complained about it to Jim, of course, but it was still a secret pleasure of his, Bones’ little follower.
About an hour after Rainy was supposed to report to Sickbay and after failing to contact her through the ship’s speakers he decides to go see what was up.
Probably stayed up and slept in, it would be in character.
Bones made his way to Rainy’s quarters and knocked impatiently.
“Kid, you were supposed to report to medbay an hour algo, hurry up or I'm making you study human feces.”
A loud crash was heard followed by a few grunts and hurried steps. Less than five minutes later she stood in the open doorway awaiting the next instruction,looking messier and more unkempt than usual, but smiling as wide as ever.
“Jesus kid, how'd you manage to make your hair look messier than usual? You look like you fought with your damn mattress and lost.”
They shrugged.
“Not the first time it has happened”
Bones rolled his eyes, yeah of course. He stepped into the doorway, arms crossed behind his back.
“Room looks… dare I say even worse than you.” He said as he lifted an eyebrow.
Her belongings were scattered on the floor, drawers left half opened.
Something made him panic instantly though, pills, he knew she had prescription pills, he administered them himself, he let it slip that she took some more than usual, hell, being in the enterprise was the most nerve wracking job to have, now take a kid with anxiety disorders? He figures she deserves it.
But an overdose? That he can't let slip, if the kid is a danger to herself—
“Doctor?”
Bones glanced back at her.
Rainys eyes were glassy, drops of sweat accumulating on her forehead.
He silently walked over to her night stand and took the half empty bottle.
He gave her the new bottle two days ago.
He glanced at her once more.
“You really take this many?” His voice was still calm, but flat. Hard.
Her eyes flickered to the bottle, then away. “I didn't count.”
“Damn it kid!” He set the bottle down a bit too harshly and turned to her. “How many?”
Rainy kept her head down.
“I think I'm gonna be sick.”
The kid said while struggling to keep standing.
“Yeah no shit! You took who knows how many damn pills.”
Bones rushed over to her and his hand on her back, making her walk with him.
The damn kid was gonna get herself killed! What would’ve happened had he not checked in? The idea was more than frightening.
“We're going to sickbay”
Rainy did not respond, neither did she walk, the kid went limp and fell on the ground.
—
Rainy opened her eyes sluggishly to find herself in the medbay, feeling all kinds of sick, and still, rather depressed, not ideal.
She was lightheaded and although hungry, she also appreciated her empty stomach at the moment.
Would’ve dumped its contents out otherwise.
Doctor McCoy was sitting next to her biobed writing something down, he hadn't noticed Rainy was awake.
“You mad?” She asked. The doctor put his notepad down and looked at her. “I'm always mad.”
She looked down, of course he was mad, she was mad at herself too, and honestly embarrassed, Doctor McCoy had more important things to do than to deal with her bullshit.
“I mean, are you more than usual?”
He clenched his jaw before speaking.
“Yes, not with you, dumb kid. just… damned disappointed.”
Rainy just stayed quiet, you know how you have muscle memory for certain things? Even if you don't know where you got it from, Rainy has that, she had many habits she likely got in her earlier life, and she has no idea how, a nice little gift from her amnesia.
Well one of those habits was, to expect the worst, she had expected the doctor to search her room for any possible things she could harm herself with, to yell and get angry, something! And the lack of a strong reaction, it was unnerving.
Not managing to hold it in, she asked.
“Aren't you gonna yell at me?”
Bones raised an eyebrow.
“Might have if you hadn't fainted on me earlier, i reckon i'm past the yelling window.”
Rainy felt relief wash over her, it was still hard to accept that she was nt in danger after fucking up.
“Are you gonna tell anyone?”
Bones looked at her and left his notepad on his desk, as he stood up.
“Already did, you just reminded me i ought to tell Jim you're awake”
“YOU TOLD JIM?” She exclaimed. Heart sinking in her chest.
Maybe it was her admiration for him but the idea that he knew something was fundamentally wrong with her…Well yes it was rather distressing.
It was impressive he managed to take her seriously as young and naive as she was. Rainy didn't want him to feel pity for her too, she was strong, she could handle it.
“He's the captain, it's my duty to report to him.” He explained “And i would have made you tell him eventually. Kid I couldn't give a damn if you think you are a burden. you feel bad, you come to me, middle of the night or early morning, you talk to me damn it! got it?”
She nodded with a faint smile
“got it.”
“Now rest while i tell Jim you're up and running”
—
Captain's log stardate 3341.5.
Doctor McCoy reportes her student, cadet Raine Lesink, lost consciousness from a presumed drug overdose, likely self inflicted.
The matters at hand are strictly confidential as I await doctor McCoy’s updates on the patient.
The implications of this are rather distressing, i trust, however, our doctors judgement blindly, and earnestly hope this situation is quickly resolved
Jim had spent the past hour anxious about Rainys condition, she was such a bright kid, youngest person of the crew and likely the youngest cadet to get into a starfleet spaceship.
It was such a failure from him as a captain then, for him not to notice the signs of struggle.
How she never seemed to feel bad, she'd always smile, always nod, but now looking back at it those smiles never reached her eyes.
How did he not notice?
What kind of captain cant see someone at that low of a moment?
The sound of the intercom interrupted his thoughts.
“McCoy to bridge, the little lady is awake captain.”
“On my way to sick bay, Kirk out.”
And so he stood up and walked over to sickbay, thinking still about his shameful failure to realize Rainy’s situation.
He softly opened the door and stepped in.
Rainy sat in a biobed talking with Bones, she looked pale and tired, but she at least looked alive.
“Took you long enough” the doctor muttered.
Jim walked up to Rainy and sat down at her side “How's our patient doing?”
“Good.” Rainy said flatly. It was odd to see her not smile, had they all been faked?
Bones stood up with his PADD in hand.
“I’ll leave you two alone, i need to write my medical log.”
Jim directed a knowing look at him.
Bones caught his eye as he left.
As soon as the doctor was out of sight Jim turned to face the young cadet.
“It wasn't what you think it is.” Rainy mumbled.
“I'm not assuming anything.”
Rainy sighed. “But i know bones told you I tried to kill myself” The teen seemed to want to go straight to the point, which Jim respected.
“Nothing to be ashamed of, we all go through moments…myself included.” The shame of her actions belonged to Jim, Rainy didn't deserve it.
The kid blinked, surprised at his honesty. It happened a little too often people thought James Kirk was this perfect unbreakable starfleet captain.
He wishes he were that.
“I- it wasn't like that, i just wanted a break from everything.” Rainy mumbled, fidgeting with her shirt as she spoke.
“I'm sorry I wasn't thinking clearly, I'm fine now though!”
It was clear she wasn't, but instead of debating Jim placed his hand on her shoulder, firmly gripping it.
“You know you can always talk to us?”
Rainy looked up at him, holding eye contact for a brief moment.
“Define ‘us’” her tone had a slight edge to it.
“Us as in the crew, bones, uhura, scotty, we’ll always be there, even Spock in his own 'logical’ way.”
Rainy looked down at her hands, Jim noted they were slightly shaking, the kid couldn't seem to keep his gaze up.
Kirk made a decision.
“…Talking about Spock, I’ve decided it's for the best your duties in the sickbay are placed on hold”
“WHAT?” Rainy’s voice shot up, her head snapped up to look at Jim, she had an expression not unlike that of a kid who’s been grounded. Which to be fair, wasn't far off.
“You'll help and learn from Spock in his work as a science officer.”
Rainy frowned.
“B- But I'm a medical intern! Not a scientist!”
“I need you out of the sickbay for some time, and that's an order”
Rainy bit her lower lip, clearly trying hard to keep unwise words to herself
“Yes captain.” She muttered, clenching her jaw.
The sound of the intercom interrupted the slightly tense scene.
Jim sighed. Duty calls.
“Rest well kid.”
—