Chapter Text
“Oh God,” Amanda muttered, swallowing down the rising nausea in her throat. “Okay baby, it’s alright. Just look away real quick for mama.” She soothed, reaching for the nearest dish towel and placing it gently over the open wound.
“It really hurts mama.” Jesse whispered, eyes wide and glossy as she swayed slightly on her feet, Amanda’s heart dropping even further into her stomach.
“I know it does baby girl, I’m going to call Aunt Livvie and we’re going to get you all fixed up okay? You’re being such a brave girl.” Amanda wrapped an arm around her trembling daughter, guiding her towards the couch and kneeling in front of her. “Billie! Could you grab one of mama’s t-shirts from her draw and then come here please? You can bring yours and your sisters iPads too!” She yelled over her shoulder, running her thumb gently back and forth over Jesse’s cheekbone, trying to install some comfort in the small girl. She knew she needed to get Jesse to the ER fast, her skin leached of all color as her lip quivered, her tiny blonde-haired baby clearly in shock. Amanda prayed that the adrenaline would last for their short trip to the hospital, that she wouldn’t be stuck in the car trying to soothe one screaming child and keep the other one calm whilst simultaneously having to drive, not wanting to risk giving Jesse any painkillers on an empty stomach, the dinner Amanda had been cooking long forgotten on the stove.
“Here you go mama!” Billie smiled, passing over one of Amanda’s worn NYPD t-shirts, her expression quickly fading into one of concern when she saw the state of her sister. “What’s wrong with Jesse?”
“She’s got an ouchie baby, and we need a doctor to make her feel better.” Amanda reassured, trying to stay calm as she tied the clothing into a makeshift sling to place round her eldest daughter. “Can you be a big girl for me and go and get your coat and shoes on?”
“Is she going to be alright?” Billie frowned, tugging at her bottom lip with her teeth as she shifted from one foot to the other.
“Yes baby, the doctor’s going to make her feel all better. Remember when you had that pain in your ear, and the nice doctor gave you the pink medicine and it felt much better? That’s what they’re going to do for Jesse too lovebug, but we need to go now okay?” Amanda said, blinking back the tears as she gently adjusted Jesse’s arm in the sling and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, Jesse whimpering slightly as she leant into her mother’s touch. “Oh baby I know, you’re so brave.” She cooed, trying desperately to remain calm despite the rising sensation of nausea and panic.
Once she turned her attention back to her youngest daughter however, Billie was nowhere to be seen. “Billie Rollins, get out here now.” She yelled through gritted teeth, the guilt almost knocking her flat when the little girl turned the corner with Jesse’s favourite teddy tucked under one arm and one of the books Amanda would often read at bedtime under the other.
“Sorry mama,” Billie gasped, slightly breathless. “Whenever I have an ouchie Detective Fluff makes it feel better.”
“That’s very sweet of you baby girl, I’m sure your sister appreciates it. Can you get your shoes on and get in the car for me please?” Amanda all but pleaded, shepherding the two girls towards the door as she ruffled Frannie’s fur. “We’ll be back soon girl.” She promised, shutting the door behind them and locking it with one hand, fumbling with her phone.
Jesse had gone eerily silent, her skin almost translucent as she buried herself into her mother’s side, but Amanda could feel the slight dampness she knew to be tears soaking through the sleeve of her jumper. “Oh Jess, it’s okay bug. You’re going to feel all better soon, you’re being such a brave girl.” She said, pausing to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Jesse’s ear before ultimately deciding to pick her up, balancing her gently on one hip as she dialled Olivia’s number with her free hand.
To her relief, the lieutenant answered after just one ring, Olivia’s voice echoing through the phone.
“Amanda? You alright?” Olivia questioned, and Amanda could hear Noah’s giggling in the background, her heart sinking as she realised she’d forgotten to account for the young boy.
“Shit Liv, I completely forgot about Noah, I can call someone else.” Amanda said, almost choking on her own words as she unlocked the car and herded Billie in, strapping her seatbelt one-handed before gently depositing Jesse in the front seat. She usually wouldn’t have either kid in the front with her, but she wanted to keep Jesse as close to her as possible for the journey, desperate to provide what little comfort she could.
“Slow down Amanda it’s alright. What’s going on?” Olivia asked, her tone instantly more alert as she shushed Noah quietly.
“I just- I can’t- Jesse’s hurt and Billie’s with me and we’re on our way to the ER, and I don’t know what to do or why I thought I could do this alone but-”
“Amanda, calm down honey. Take a breath, you’re okay, I’ve got you. Which hospital are you going to?” Olivia interrupted, already moving towards the bedroom to throw on a hoodie over her pyjamas.
“I think Mercy is the closest, but Liv it’s fine you stay with Noah, I’ll call Fin.” Amanda transferred the phone to speaker, starting the engine as she clutched Jesse’s limp hand in her own, stroking soothing circles over her knuckles.
“Don’t be silly, I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.” Olivia responded firmly. “I’m going to hang up now, but I’ll be with you shortly. Just stay calm Amanda, you’re more capable than you know.”
Amanda chuckled to herself as the call ended. Capable? Her? She had one child with a very broken arm, she’d almost yelled at the other for just trying to be helpful, and she was practically on the verge of a panic attack. Who on earth let her be a single parent to two children?
She was rapidly drawn out of her thoughts however when she turned to look at her daughter at a stoplight, noticing a pale green tint to her skin that definitely wasn’t there when they’d left.
“Jess? You doin’ okay baby?” Amanda said, squeezing her hand a little tighter, her question answered when Jesse bent forwards to clutch her stomach and promptly vomited all down herself, jolting her arm and letting out an ear piercing shriek of pain between wretches.
“Mama?” Billie whimpered, big blue eyes filling with tears as she began to cry, both kids now sobbing.
“You’re okay bug, we’re almost there I promise.” Amanda was almost in tears herself, the heartbreaking cries of both her daughters filling the car, convinced that this 5-minute journey might have been the longest one of her life. “Billie can you be a big brave girl for your sister please? It might be a little busy when we get there and I need to make sure your sister has someone to look after her, so I need you to hold onto my hand and don’t let go okay?”
Billie just nodded, tears still slipping down her cheeks as she clutched onto her sister’s teddy, and Amanda thanked whoever was watching over them fervently when she spotted a parking space just next to the ER entrance. With one hysterically crying vomit-covered child on her hip and another clutching desperately at her hand, Amanda managed to wrangle them all into the ER waiting room and up to the front desk.
“Hi, my daughter Jesse Rollins has broken her arm.” Amanda said, swaying gently from one foot to the other in an attempt to soothe Jesse’s cries. “It’s come through the skin, and she threw up in the car.”
The receptionist’s eyes widened slightly at the state of the three of them and instantly waved a nurse over to guide them to the paediatric unit. “This is nurse Ellie, she’ll take care of you all. Would you like me to get a social worker to watch your other child?” She asked, her gaze falling on Billie who was still crying but silently now, pressed into her mother’s side.
“I, um- I don’t know, I think my friend’s on her way but I don’t know how long she’ll be.” Amanda confessed, completely overwhelmed.
“That’s okay, you just follow nurse Ellie for now, and she’ll sort the intake paperwork and anything else out for you. She can get the social worker any time you need okay?” The receptionist reassured, and Amanda nodded, muttering a quick thank you as they made their way towards the nurse.
“Hi there sweetheart, I’m nurse Ellie.” The nurse introduced herself, blonde hair tied back into a loose ponytail, pink elephants dotted around on her scrubs. “What’s your name?” She asked, smiling softly at Jesse who only buried her head further into her mother’s neck.
“This is Jesse, and this is her sister Billie.” Amanda said, letting Ellie usher them into a nearby examination room.
“No? Are you The Jesse? I’ve heard you’re bravest girl in the whole of New York city! What an honour it is to meet you!” Ellie exclaimed, before turning her attention to Billie. “And you must be the BEST sister ever. I guess we’ll have to find you both some matching stickers, so everyone else knows how awesome you are too huh?”
Billie giggled softly, Jesse looking up through damp lashes as Amanda placed her gently on the edge of the examination table and helped her change into a gown that had been handed to them. “Now, I think it’s time for a little game.” Ellie announced, looking at Billie for encouragement. “I’m going to say a color, and you and your sister can take it in turns to point out something in the room of the same color. Do you think you can do it?”
Although Billie was nodding enthusiastically, Jesse shook her head slightly as she shrunk further into Amanda’s side. “C’mon Jess, you can do it baby.” Amanda tried to encourage her, stroking a hand up and down her back.
“Can you see anything green in the room Jesse?” Ellie asked, pretending to look around confused. Jesse raised her other arm slightly, pointing towards the grass painted on the wall.
“Good job! What about you Billie, what can you see?” She continued, nodding slightly at Amanda to signal she was going to need to unwrap the dish cloth covering Jesse’s arm.
“The tree!” Billie exclaimed, bouncing on her toes.
“The tree? There’s no tree in this room, is there?” Ellie frowned, looking around inquisitively as Amanda settled Jesse between her legs on the bed.
“No, outside the window silly!” Billie giggled, pointing towards the glass covering the furthest wall.
Ellie gasped dramatically. “Wow! You can see in the dark better than I can! How many carrots have you eaten?”
“Lots!” Billie said confidently, getting a raised eyebrow and a smirk from Amanda.
“Did I miss the day when Billie Rollins decided she ate her vegetables?” She teased, reaching out to poke Billie in the stomach.
“I’m sure you both eat your vegetables.” Ellie smiled. “But since you both did so well at that game, I think you need a harder one. How many Mississippi’s do you reckon you can keep your eyes shut for?”
“Uh, lots?” Billie asked, somewhat hesitantly.
“What about you Jess, you reckon you can keep them closed too?” Amanda asked softly, wiping a few stray tears with the pad of her thumb.
“If you stay.” Jesse mumbled, burrowing further into Amanda’s arms.
“I’m not going anywhere baby.” Amanda promised, giving Ellie the subtle thumbs up to continue.
“How about if you both keep your eyes closed for 3 whole mississippi’s I’ll get you both a pudding cup?” Ellie suggested, waiting for both girls to close their eyes before she started counting out loud.
“One mississippi…”
She unwound the cloth from Jesse’s arm, careful not to move it too much, and Amanda drew in a sharp breath.
“Two mississippi…”
Amanda paled at the sight, squeezing her eyes almost as tightly shut as her daughters as Ellie gently inspected where the bone had broken the skin.
“Three mississippi!”
She placed the cloth gently back over the wound just in time as Billie’s eyes flew open, looking around for the promised pudding cup. “You both did amazing! Billie, would you like to go with my friend Anna to pick a pudding cup to bring back for your sister?” Ellie offered, Billie looking towards her mom for permission before bounding towards the new nurse with promises of chocolate for herself and vanilla for Jesse.
Once the door had shut behind them, Ellie rolled a cart over and pulled up a stool next to the bed. “Okay superstar. This next part is a little weird, but I’m gonna tell you everything and you can stop me anytime alright?”
Jesse nodded slowly, clutching the teddy Billie had brought closer to her chest.
“This here is an IV,” She said, holding up the plastic tube. “That stands for incredible very-important thingy. It’s a tiny straw that goes in your hand or arm and helps give your body superhero juice that makes you feel better.”
“Will it hurt?” Jesse asked hesitantly, Amanda’s heart breaking at the fear in her voice.
“Only a teeny bit, but I’ll give you some magic cream first so it doesn’t hurt as much. You might feel a quick pinch, but after that you get a bracelet!” Ellie reassured, reaching for the hospital bracelet.
Jesse frowned. “That’s not a bracelet.”
“Oh but it is,” Ellie leant forwards, whispering. “It’s the secret recovery club bracelet. Only the bravest kids get one. Plus, I’ve got glittery bandages. You want pink or purple?”
“What do you think lovebug? You want a glittery bandage?” Amanda asked.
“Pink… please.” Jesse answered, shifting slightly away from the needle.
“Pink it is! Okay, let’s do this on three, and you can squeeze your mom’s hand if you need to. Ready?”
Jesse curled further into Amanda, whimpering slightly as she gripped onto Amanda’s hand with amazing amounts of strength for a seven-year-old. Amanda hushed her quietly, using her free hand to brush the hair back from Jesse’s face as Ellie prepared the IV.
“One… two… three! All done! I told you that you were the bravest girl in New York!” Ellie smiled, securing the pink glitter tape gently as the door opened and Olivia’s head appeared.
“Hey babygirl,” She cooed, crouching down beside the bed, taking note of the IV and bloodied dish cloth. “How are you doing?”
Jesse remained silent and Amanda shook her head slightly at Liv in response, rocking Jesse gently from side to side. “She’s been so brave. Billie’s just left with a nurse to find pudding cups.”
“Ah, I wondered where she’d gone.” Olivia giggled. “Uncle Fin’s here too to take your sister home and see Frannie so your mommy and I can stay. Is that alright?”
Amanda’s lip trembled slightly at that, blinking back the tears as Jesse reached out for Olivia’s hand who instantly obliged, cradling Jesse’s small hand in her own.
“They haven’t had dinner yet,” Amanda fretted, her brow furrowing as she realised how hungry her youngest must be. “Not that I think this little one here will be able to eat for a while yet.”
“That bad?” Olivia mouthed.
“Broken arm. Bone came through the skin.” She gestured back, not wanting to unsettle Jesse any further. She knew they’d likely have to operate to set the bone back in place but that was a conversation she was only going to have with her daughter once they knew for certain, not wanting to scare her unnecessarily.
Olivia winced in return, amazed that Amanda had managed to remain so calm and get them all to the hospital. No matter how much blood and gore they see on the job, she knew first-hand how different it is when it’s your own child, remembering how she almost freaked out worse than Noah had at his first grazed knee. She was in awe of Amanda – being a single parent was hard enough, let alone with two children and a medical emergency.
“Okay well that’s no problem, I think Fin was saying something about wanting Shake Shack anyways.” She said brightly. “And Uncle Sonny has gone to the drug store to pick up your favourite candy for when you get home!”
“You rung Carisi too?” Amanda asked, overwhelmed at the amount of love and support from the squad that Liv had somehow managed to coordinate in the 20 minutes after receiving Amanda’s panicked phone call.
“I figured you’d have left in a hurry, so Carisi just popped over to yours to check on Frannie and clean the place up a bit so you didn’t have to do anything when you got home.” Olivia explained.
The door flew open as Billie came barrelling in holding two pudding cups, squealing when she saw Liv. “AUNTIE LIVVIE! LOOK, LOOK, I GOT CHOCOLATE AND A STICKER!”
“Inside voices please Billie.” Amanda reminded, watching as Billie threw herself into Olivia’s outstretched arms smiling brightly.
“Woah, that’s so cool bug! Would you like to show them to Uncle Fin too?” Olivia asked, standing with the tiny 4-year-old in her arms. Billie nodded in delight, swinging her legs as she curled into Olivia’s side. “He told me earlier he though you deserved a milkshake for being such a good girl for mama. Shall we say bye bye to your sister and mom and find him to and get you that milkshake?”
Seemingly more hesitant now, Billie shook her head and reached out for Amanda.
“It’s okay bubba, we’ll be back home before you know it. Why don’t you go with Uncle Fin and then I can ring you when you get home and you can tell me what flavor you picked?” She offered, praying Billie would agree and not ask to stay with them overnight. To her relief, Billie gave a quiet “okay mama”, and waved goodbye to the pair of them from Olivia’s arms as she carried the young girl out the room. Looking back down at her eldest daughter, Amanda let out a sigh and leant back with the small girl still cradled in her arms, pressing her head against the wall and closing her eyes. Jesse’s scream still echoed in her mind, that heart-dropping moment when Amanda had turned around to see what no parent ever wanted to see. She wasn’t particularly squeamish, SVU required a relatively strong stomach after all, but the pure terror and pain in Jesse’s eyes combined with the sickly sight of bone and skin had left her feeling a combination of nausea and dread. She would give anything to trade places with her daughter, to take the pain away, and she felt awful that she couldn’t do more, couldn’t kiss it better or fix it with promises of magic plasters and ice cream. The thought of how she treated Billie remained stuck in her mind too, the look of fear on her face in the car having watched her sister throw up, and Amanda had never wanted more to be able to be in two places at once, devasted and guilt-ridden at the thought that Billie would be taken home and tucked into bed without her after their chaotic evening.
The pain medication was clearly making Jesse feel better, her limbs becoming floppy in Amanda’s arms as she let out a slightly more content sigh and snuggled further into her mom’s chest. Her eyelids barely fluttered as Olivia made her way back into the room, the brunette gently laying a blanket over the two of them, resting her hand on Jesse’s leg.
“How are you feeling peanut?” Olivia asked, drawing small circles on Jesse’s free hand with her thumb.
“M’okay” Jesse whispered, eyes slipping shut once again as she grabbed onto the teddy – named by Billie as Detective Fluff – that Olivia passed over.
“That’s good baby, you’ve done so well.” Olivia reassured, sharp brown eyes then scanning Amanda’s exhausted features, taking note of the slightly haunted look on her face.
“Okay kiddo,” Nurse Ellie said as she re-entered the room, pushing the wheelchair up to the bed. “Here’s the deal. My friends in the X-ray department heard all about how brave you are, and they want to meet you and help you feel better. We’re going to go for a little ride in the chair, and they’re going to take some pictures of your bones! It doesn’t hurt at all, and we’ll give you a cool apron that makes you look like a superhero. It blocks the magic rays from hitting the rest of your body.”
“Magic rays?” Jesse mumbled, wide-eyed and questioning.
Ellie nodded dramatically. “Very fancy science-magic. But don’t worry, it’s super quick and you just have to lie still like a statue for a few seconds, and then you can pick your very own sticker and show your mom. How does that sound?”
“Am I going to glow after this?” Jesse whispered nervously, sitting up with Amanda’s help.
Ellie laughed gently, transferring Jesse over to the wheelchair and covering her in a blanket before resting her arm on a pillow. “Not unless you’re secretly part firefly. Then we’ve got a whole other adventure on our hands.”
Jesse giggled, just a little, and Amanda let out a breath she didn’t even know she’d been holding. “Auntie Livvie and I will be right here once you’re done, and you can tell us all about your adventure!” She enthused, Jesse nodding firmly as Ellie wheeled her away.
The minute the door shut behind them, Amanda buried her face in her hands and begun to sob. “I can’t do this Liv, I can’t. I’m an awful mother, someone should just take them from me. I can’t do this anymore.”