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Jason hated galas, but that wasn’t really new. When he had been a kid, and still at Bruce’s side, they had been just as mind numbing as they were now. He would hang out near Bruce, and do his best to find any kid-friendly food he could. He’d had to stomach the revolting ‘Brucie’ persona, and watch his father shamelessly flirt with everyone around him. Even though Jason had known it was an act, it was still gross.
But he had felt a little cool too, just because he was in on a secret that no one else was. He knew Brucie was a persona, and he knew who he and Bruce really were. Bruce had once told him to think of it like a spy mission, or to pretend he was undercover. Because he kind of was. And it was always a little fun to see how much gossip he could pick up that he could later relay to Bruce and Alfred at the breakfast table.
Bruce had promised Jason they would be more interesting as he got older, but Jason had known that was a lie because he regularly heard Bruce complain about them to Alfred. And Dick was always whining whenever Bruce could wrestle him into attending. Jason also knew this wasn’t true, because he was now freshly 20, and they still sucked.
One of the big problems with Jason being brought back to life was kind of awkward to get around: cover stories. Because to the public, Jason Todd, son of Bruce Wayne, had died and been buried at 15 years old. His grave had been photographed, hell the funeral had been photographed; and there were for sure autopsy reports someone could dig up if they tried hard enough. Also in the eyes of the public: Batman stopped patrolling with Robin one day, and a few months later another showed up. The second Robin never officially died, since that would have been too obvious in terms of secret identity. No, he had just vanished. Who was to say what had happened to him?
So no members of the public knew Red Hood was the second Robin. And obviously, there was no plausible way for Bruce to say ‘just kidding, my son never died, here he is alive and well (ish)’. So officially, Jason Todd would forever be dead. Which meant that Jason Todd could not show up with the Wayne family at a gala.
You’d think that would make him exempt from the tragically mind numbing affairs, but no. Bruce clearly had it out for him, because he was forcing the attendance of everyone in the Bat-group (Jason refused to say family). The reason Bruce had stated was that they needed to be watching out for one of Black Mask’s men who was meeting with some politician or another. He said he needed all eyes on the party, looking for any possible corrupt socialites to add to Batman’s list. It was a pretty flimsy reason, was what Jason thought. He was pretty sure it was just an excuse to get everyone in one place so he could try and convince them to stay the night after. Well, the joke was on Bruce, because there was no way in hell Jason would be participating in whatever movie night/family breakfast Bruce had planned. Nope, he’d be getting the fuck out as soon as he could.
Initially, Jason had wanted to use his dead-son-status to get out of it. But Bruce, in his stupid cowl, had silently handed over everything Jason would need to pose as a member of security. So that had kind of foiled his plans.
He had known galas were boring, but he hadn’t anticipated exactly how bad it would be if he couldn’t even walk around . He was stuck standing at the wall, hands interlaced in front of him. Bruce had decided to include a mask covering the lower face as part of the security uniform this time around, both in order to keep Jason from being recognized and to cover most of his distinctive scarring. It was a little less breathable than Jason might have preferred, but whatever. It had the benefit of hiding his expressions from the snobby socialites all around him.
He had his eye out for Black Mask’s men of course, as well as anything shifty; but it wouldn’t hurt to eavesdrop on some gossip like he had used to, would it? And laugh at it? What else was he supposed to do?
But two hours into the gala, that had grown boring too. All of it was just as shallow as the shit he remembered, but less entertaining now. Everything seemed a bit grayer than it used too. Jason had noticed that in general since he came back.
He shifted on his feet a bit, trying to alleviate the stiffness that had taken up residence in his knees. The thick scent of mixed perfumes and colognes in the air was a little stifling, but there wasn’t much to do about that. A woman laughed shrilly a little too close to him, and he fought the urge to snap at her. He hated when time got like this- slowed down into little moments where every sound and sensation was registering itself in his brain. When all he could do was pay attention to the things around him, until eventually it all got to be too much grating on his senses and he had to dip out. Shit. He couldn’t let that happen. He hated this stupid event, sure, but he didn’t want to leave and seem like a flake. He could practically imagine it now, the way Bruce’s lips would press into a thin line when he noticed Jason’s absence. The disappointment and annoyance they would all talk about around their breakfast table- he needed to calm down. To pick something to focus on, and just pay attention to that.
The other bats? Sure. Dick’s stupid press smile and Tim’s unbearable socialite persona might distract him. Or maybe Damian sneering at attendees and Stephanie egging him on. He let his eyes scan the too-bright room, squinting them to try and block out the harsh light.
There. A large cluster of suits and dresses, which usually signified socialites crowding around Bruce. The man was closer than he had expected, and as a cluster of people nearby moved to a different part of the room, Jason could glimpse what was happening. He could even listen if he really strained his ears.
It wasn’t just Bruce- which was nice. Even though Jason was twenty, he still couldn’t bear to listen to ‘Brucie’ talk. It was the jackpot actually- the whole clan. There was Bruce in the middle, obviously. A vacant smile was plastered over his face as he listened to a man chatter at him. Dick stood to his right, charming grin in place and hair swept into a neat bun at the back of his head. His hand was on Damien’s shoulder, and if Jason looked closely, he could see the strain in his knuckles as if he were holding himself, Damian, or maybe both back from saying something to the man. Tim was perfectly collected on Bruce’s other side, but Jason knew him well enough by now to see the laughter in his eyes. Stephanie leaned in to whisper something in his ear, and Tim’s nose twitched as he did his best to hold onto his composure. Duke had evidently overheard as he stifled a laugh in his fist, disguising it as a cough. Cassandra had one hand draped over the back of Barbara’s chair, fidgeting gently with a strand of her red hair. Barbara also looked close to laughing.
There. That was easy- Jason could just pay attention to all of them. Even now, it was becoming easier to bear the harsh lights and tight suit and chatter all around. It was- he could handle it. He just needed to focus on them. The boys all were wearing the same black suit. Jason hated that he still remembered how to tell if suits were the same. The girls wore different dresses, though there was a silver necklace with a simple charm they all had in common. Something to present the group as a united front, Jason guessed. He remembered Bruce stuffing him into a little version of his suit as a kid, to make sure everyone knew who he was with. It was funnier to see it played out with a big group though- Bruce and his stupid possessiveness
Jason was wearing a different suit than them. The same one as all the other security guards. Respectable and simple, and not nearly as expensive as the ones the socialites wore. Bruce laughed loudly at something the man in front of him said. It was fake, Jason could still tell that. He could see some of the others laughing too, though the man they were talking to probably couldn’t tell it was at his expense like Jason could. None of them seemed to have noticed him yet- they knew he was there, obviously, but they couldn’t come to see him throughout the night. But none of them had even looked at him yet.
He shifted again. The light was starting to hurt his eyes again, and some floral scent from a nearby woman was choking him- focus. Focus on something else. The conversation maybe- what were they talking about? If he strained to listen in, he could keep his attention on that.
“Duke and Tim are top students at Gotham prep, did you know that? They’re leagues ahead of everyone else-” Classic Brucie subject, bragging about his kids. Though Jason couldn’t really call it Brucie’s- Bruce did the same thing. He bragged about the ones that weren’t his kids too, though only when he knew it wouldn’t set them off. Jason could see the politely frustrated smile on the other man’s face. Everyone knew that once Brucie got going about his children, it was hard to shut him up; and this was clearly Bruce rerouting from the man’s chosen subject. Dick leaned down to whisper something to Damien, and the younger boy smiled. Jason wondered what it was but he couldn’t read lips. Dick leaned back up.
“I’m going to take my brother to the refreshments table,” He announced, and because it was Dick and his charming smile it didn’t seem rude for him to be stepping out. The man simply smiled politely at him. Dick looked around at the others. “Other brothers? Sisters? Can I get you anything?” A polite laugh from the man and snickers from the others. Bruce was still smiling vacantly, but even from Jason’s distance, he could see the warmth in his eyes.
When they had all called out their various responses, Dick gently guided Damian away and towards the refreshments. Jason could remember being that age and Dick doing the same thing- no one ever thought he was rude, and Jason still had no idea how he did it. He could always track the moment things got to be too much for Jason and take him away with a polite excuse, and everyone would laugh and smile.
The man was speaking again and Jason focused back in- memories could overwhelm him too sometimes, and the phantom feeling of Dick’s hand on his shoulder was already becoming too much. “Boy, you really know how to find them, huh Brucie?” Bruce cocked his head, gently confused. “I mean that all your kids end up being remarkable in some way. I mean, you were just talking about Duke and Tim, and everyone knows what a darling Dick is. And the same goes for all the others.” Polite smiles and titters all around. Jason was sure Bruce was preening. “What is it, all five of the official adoptees and wards? And not counting you two,” Here, he tossed a smile at Stephanie and Barbara who responded in kind. Bruce was nodding, and Jason knew the pride on his face was real. He was starting in again on some story or another about one of his children when Jason’s mind circled back around.
‘All five, plus you two.’ Dick, Cassandra, Tim, Damien, and Duke were the official wards and children of Bruce. Stephanie and Barbara were his (as far as the public knew anyway) mentees. ‘All five, plus you two.’ Seven. Jason tried to force himself to focus on the conversation because the lights were hurting his eyes again, and he could hardly breath the scented air, and shrill laughs were all around him which kind of sounded like someone else’s laugh-
Jason looked at the group. Bruce’s mouth was moving, and there was still that stupid pride on his face that Jason knew was real. Tim and Stephanie and Duke were all giggling about something, and Barabara and Cass were smiling too, real smiles, maybe at the story Bruce was telling- could Jason just try to focus and listen to that maybe- Dick was back, and his fucking hand was still on Damian’s shoulder like it had used to be on Jason’s, he could practically still feel it-
He tried to remember a time Bruce had talked about him with that much pride on his face, and he was sure there was time because- because once Jason had been his son and Bruce had loved him just as much as the others. So Jason knew he had been proud of him, but his stupid memory was still broken up and probably always would be and he just couldn’t remember any time at all that happened. Seven kids. Seven . Dick, Barbara, Cass, Tim, Stephanie, Damien, Duke. Not Jason. Which Jason knew was his fault, because he rejected the idea of Bruce being his father, but it still felt wrong because he had been once. Jason Todd had been alive and happy and Bruce’s son, and everyone knew about him, but now it was like he didn't count anymore.
He wasn’t really breathing, he realized. He forgot sometimes, which seemed silly because how did a body forget to breathe? He was pretty sure it was actually his body forgetting he was alive again, and it scared him every time which made it harder to breathe. The air was thick with too-sweet scents, and the mask was filled with humid and hot air. He wished he could tear it off but then everyone would see him and know who he was- or worse: they wouldn’t remember him.
Focus. Could he still focus? Not without seeing Bruce clapping Tim on the back, and Dick poking at Duke’s shoulder and laughing- not without seeing a family. A family Jason was not a part of.
He remembered thinking earlier that he couldn’t leave because they’d all think he was a flake. He didn’t care anymore. But this was still a mission, and Jason didn’t want to ruin that. So instead of speed-walking from the room and pushing past anyone in his way, he checked his watch calmly, as if he needed to change shifts at a certain time or something. He moved from his post confidently and at a reasonable speed, murmuring a polite ‘excuse me’ to anyone he needed to get past. And he made it to a doorway he could slip through into a dark hallway not being used for the gala. He was pretty sure he had used this same spot as a kid, or maybe he just remembered the manor that well, but his memory was too jumbled to tell. And it was making things worse to try and sort through the pieces, so he just shoved it away.
No one could see him now, so with shaking hands he tugged off the mask and shoved it into one of the pockets. He ran his hands over his face, and hated how much they trembled. Then he hated even more when he moved them away and saw the burns scars distorting his skin all over. He fought back a gag and dropped himself onto the floor around the corner from the door he had entered through. It was dark, which was nice. No lights to hurt his eyes. And it was cooler, so when he shrugged off the suit jacket, he felt a little better. The smell in the air was- well, it smelled like the manor. Just how Jason remembered. He did his best to avoid it, but in the three years he’d been back, it was impossible to get away entirely.
He pressed his back to the wall and his hands to the cool hallway tiles beneath him. Breathe in, breathe out. He could get out of there as soon as he had control of himself. Fuck Bruce being disappointed, Jason could just avoid him until his guilt went away. Breath in, breathe out.
“Jason,” He had been around bats long enough to avoid being startled when they inevitably snuck up on him. That didn’t mean he hated it any less though. He looked up, and Bruce was standing a few feet away, having silently rounded the corner. Gone was the vacant smile and fake-drunk posture. He was standing tall and straight, hands at his sides and face empty. Or rather, not empty but with the Bruce-specific wall he put up in his eyes to hide any emotions.
“Bruce,” Jason went for snarky, but it came off more tired. He dug his hands into his lap to try and hide the shake, even knowing it was useless. This was Batman.
There were a few beats of silence and then Bruce took a few slow steps forward as if approaching a stray. Jason hated that too. It was the same way Bruce had approached him all those years ago in crime alley, when he caught him by the batmobile. He had moved forward slowly, posture open and hands visible at his sides so as not to scare off the little kid. And he was doing it now too, like Jason was a stranger he was meeting for the first time. Jason wanted to smash his own head against the wall behind him.
He didn’t move though, and eventually Bruce lowered himself down to mirror Jason’s posture against the wall, though he remained about a foot away. Jason bounced one of his outstretched feet for a moment before stilling again. Bruce was still watching him.
“Well? Don’t you need to be watching for Black Mask’s men?” This time, it did manage to come off snarky, though Jason was sure he was still doing a terrible job of controlling his face. Bruce frowned and looked down at his hands.
“The others can manage just fine on their own,” Bruce responded evenly, looking back at Jason. He wished he could see behind the wall, that he could read Bruce like he used to be able too.
“Yeah? Then why’d you insist you needed all of us here?” Jason was calling Bruce out on his bullshit, like that had ever worked. Because obviously Jason knew it was just to get them all in one place- except- Jason wasn’t like them. He wasn’t a member of the family, so maybe Bruce had just called him here to remind him of what he was always missing-
Bruce was still frowning. “I wanted to see you.” Jason cocked a brow, shoving down the despair in his stomach.
“Then why’d you delegate me to a fucking corner all night?” Jason’s mouth was curled in a snarl and he could feel the way it tugged at the scar tissue on the side of his face and he hated it, he wanted to tear it off off off-
“You know why,” Bruce responded, and Jason was momentarily shocked to hear the note of pleading in his voice. “But you should stay after this, with all of us-” Jason cut him off.
“Yeah? All seven of your little flock?” His desired tone failed him again, and he could hear the sadness creeping in on his voice. Bruce furrowed his brows for a moment, then his face smoothed out in realization.
“Ah.” He was silent for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts, and Jason looked down at his hands instead of the vague pity he could see on Bruce’s face. “I should have corrected him, Jason. I’m sorry. You know Stephanie and Barbara are very dear to me, and so are my children. But I have six children, not five. I should’ve said something.” Jason could feel his throat closing, and he tore it open with words.
“ Had. You had six children,” He could practically feel Bruce crumble a little beside him. He had moved closer, Jason realized.
“I don’t-” Bruce paused, took a breath. “You may not see me as your father anymore Jason, but you will always be a son to me. You don’t deserve to be forgotten.” Jason curled his knees up to his chest and pressed his eyes into them hard. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, he needed to get a hold of himself. He felt like the little kid Bruce had found him as, the child he had died as, and not the grown man he was now. Breath in, breathe out, breath in-
Warmth pressed up against his side, and a moment later and arm wrapped around him. Jason's shoulders heaved once, though no sound escaped him. He forced his face up and out of its cover. “I’m not- you all seemed just fine without me.” His voice was weak. He didn’t resist when Bruce used a hand to guide Jason to curl into his side, didn’t protest when a gentle hand swept through his hair.
“Your brothers and sisters would’ve loved to be able to have you join them, believe me. They all said it at some point tonight. They were looking forward to seeing you later. I was looking forward to seeing you.” They both knew Jason’s intention of leaving before Bruce could talk him into staying the night, but Jason knew there was truth in the words anyway. He wasn’t- their relationship wasn’t okay. They both knew that too. But Bruce was still telling the truth.
“You’re my son, Jason. And I know you’re not the same boy who di-” Bruce choked a little, as if he still couldn’t say it. “And I don’t expect you to be. You grew, you changed, and you’re still my son. Please stay tonight. We’d love to have you.” Their relationship might never be completely alright, and Jason might never forgive Bruce for letting the joker live. It would certainly never go back to how it was. But right then, Jason was eleven and fifteen and twenty years old and he was curled into Bruce’s side and the man was murmuring into his hair, and for that moment, he was alright.
“Yeah okay. I’ll stay tonight.”