Chapter Text
“Hyung, do you believe in love?”
Hoseok tore his gaze from his book, craning his neck to stare at Jungkook in his lying position on the couch. “Love? Where did that come from?” Jungkook shrugged from his seat on the couch, the older male’s legs over his lap as he watched TV, “I don’t know I was just wondering.”
“Well, of course. I think love is real and when you find it, it’s special.”
“Are you going to start reciting poetic yet sappy sayings, hyung?”
“Aish,” Hoseok nudged the other with his foot softly, “You’re so mean to me Kookie.”
“I’m only mean because I don’t see you often. I gotta tease you as much as possible.”
That made Hoseok pout and pull the book back into his line of vision, “I’m sorry I’m furthering my ejumacation in college so I can make a decent living.” He paused and put the book back down, a sly smile plastered on his face. “Why? Aigoo, does my Jungie miss me? Does high school suck that much without me?”
“First of all,” Jungkook side glanced at his hyung, “I’ve been in high school without you for three years. Second of all,” He pinched the older’s leg, making him yelp, “I’m graduating this year and going to your college, so no I don’t miss you. I actually dread seeing you everyday.”
“Stop lying. You know you missed me, and was excited for me to come back home every holiday break.”
“I’m not admitting any- OOF! Hyung!” Jungkook whined. Hoseok had shifted on the couch and pounced onto the younger male. “What Kookie?”
“You’re fucking heavy, get off!”
“That’s no way to talk to your hyung.” Hoseok scolded though he removed himself from Jungkook, choosing to rest his head on the younger’s lap.
Jungkook rolled his eyes but didn’t push him away. Hoseok smiled in victory and closed his eyes. The room was quiet, the TV being the only source of noise. It was a comfortable silence, one they’ve known for years. Hoseok opened his eyes and turned his gaze to the younger, “Kookie…”
“Yes?”
“What about you? Do you believe in love?”
Jungkook looked down at the older for a moment before smiling, “Yeah I do.”
I found it already, with you.
---
Hoseok was glue. He was what kept everything together. At least, that’s what his friends thought. He was someone who could read you like an open book after only knowing you for a week. He was the mood maker of the group, always bringing happiness and sunshine, unicorns and rainbows everywhere he went, and no one seemed to mind, embracing it like the gentle heat of the sun resting against your skin on a beautiful spring day.
To Jungkook, Hoseok was his beacon of light. The one who navigates him to the safe shores instead of the rocky cliffs. Someone who showed him just exactly want he wanted in life.
It only took one dance practice for Jungkook to gain interest. It took one smile and inviting eyes for Jungkook to be hooked. It took one late night practice for Jungkook to fall in love.
The love he found for dance slowly turned into love for Hoseok. His favorite hyung became his favorite person in the world. And that person was his beautiful light in life. A light he found he needed and depended on.
A light that was slowly diminishing.
Jungkook wasn't stupid. Out of everyone, he knew and understood Hoseok the best, even the dancer himself has admitted that. The older raven haired male seemed to distance himself from people. People who held long standing friendships. No one else seemed to notice like Jungkook, but he saw it all. He noticed how Hoseok seemed to stay as far away from Seokjin as possible. How civil he's become with him. Hoseok is never civil. Skinship and aegyo were his middle names. So it made red sirens ring in Jungkook’s head.
When Jungkook thought about it, this all started a year ago. That's when it clicked.
A year ago Hoseok started to date Yoongi. The longer he stayed with the mint haired rapper, the more enclosed Hoseok became. Things slowly began to take a turn for the worse, and Jungkook couldn't stomach that well.
---
Jungkook felt like his legs would give out in any second. He had been in the dance studio for over five hours, three hours over practice. Dance was his only escape, his one true passion. He wouldn’t have discovered dance if it wasn’t for a special someone in his life. He felt he owed everything to that person. So that’s why he worked so hard, practiced way more than he should, even if people tell him he’s perfect because it will never be perfect in his eyes, not until he’s reached his hyung’s level.
The young ravenhead just finished the hip-hop routine when he heard knocking on the open door. He whipped his head around and grinned at the newcomer, “Hobi hyung!”
“Hey Jungie…” The older male gave a small smile and Jungkook instantly knew something was wrong. He paused his music and gazed at the other. “Hyung?”
Hoseok walked inside the dance studio, “Ah, I just wanted to check out your routine. It’s coming along great-”
“Hyung,” Jungkook gently held the other’s hands, “You’re shaking.” When Jungkook saw the older’s facade slowly breaking, he sighed before pulling Hoseok into his embrace. And the facade completely shattered.
Hoseok wrapped his arm’s around Jungkook’s waist, sobbing in his chest. Jungkook felt his heart break. “Hyung…”
“I can’t take it Kookie. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Hoseok cried.
“Hyung what happened?”
The older pulled away slightly and wiped at his eyes with the heel of his palm. “Y-Yoongi,” he hiccupped hard, “I-I saw him kissing Seokjin the other night.”
Jungkook’s blood ran cold. He gave a look of disbelief, “ What? ”
“A-And Yoongi just brushed it off . Like it wasn’t a big deal. Like it’s ok to cheat on me .” Hoseok looked up at Jungkook in complete agony. “Kookie, he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not good enough, am I?”
The younger immediately shook his head, “Hyung no! You are enough.”
“ That's a lie and you know it... ” Hoseok sobbed out and rested his head on Jungkook’s shoulder, “Kookie why aren't I enough for him?”
Jungkook refused to sit down quietly anymore.
---
The next day Jungkook stormed out of the studio with clenched fist, one with blood on it. That fucking bastard, acting like cheating is okay . Thinking about his argument with Yoongi in front of their friends made his blood boil more. He just wanted to beat the living shit out of him, but sadly Jimin talked him out of it. He scoffed remembering what he said to Yoongi.
You better fix this. Because Hobi hyung’s as well as my patience is running very thin.
Yeah right, Jungkook’s patience wasn’t thin- it was fucking gone. He pulled out his phone angrily and hit the first speed dial. It rang for only once before the person picked up the phone.
“ Jungie? Hey what’s- ”
“Hyung pack a suitcase and get out of that apartment.”
“ What? ”
“Pack a suitcase, you’re coming to my place.”
“ Jungkook… ”
“Hoseok! You need to leave that place, you need to leave him . He’s not good for you.” Jungkook never called the older by his name unless he was serious, and Hoseok knew that.
“ ... ” Hoseok was quiet on the other line for a moment, “ Okay Jungkook. ”
“Good, I’ll see you tonight then?”
“ Yeah, you’ll see me. ”
Jungkook hung up the call and went straight home.
Jungkook waited until midnight for Hoseok, but the older dancer never came. He knew it had to do with a mint haired male. It always did.
3 weeks later Hoseok came heartbroken in his arms again. Jungkook wasn’t even surprised. The older male always got hurt by his boyfriend.
---
Jungkook laid in bed staring up at the ceiling blankly. He had just came back home from Hoseok’s dance competition with his friends. It had been in an underground club and he easily won first place. It had been nice and it made Jungkook happy to see the older male have a genuine smile on his face as he was handed his trophy, but that got ruined soon enough.
Hoseok came down from the stage with Yugyeom behind him. He smiled up at the younger, “Good job Yugyeom!”
Yugyeom had a blush on his face as he smiled cheekily, scratching the top of his brown mop of hair, “Thanks hyung.”
“Hoseok hyung!!” The two looked over and saw Taehyung running with the others following behind him. Yugyeom smiled at his partner, “I’m gonna leave you with your friends, I need to find Bam anyways.”
“Okay lover boy, tell him I said hey.”
“Of course! See you hyung!”
Hoseok waved the other away before Taehyung collided into him, almost tipping him over but he managed to stay balanced, “Tae~! I almost fell!”
“Hyung, you won!” Taehyung ignored his complaints and looked at him with sparkling eyes, “Congrats!”
Jimin was right behind him and jumped into the hug, “Yeah hyung! Congrats!”
Hoseok laughed and gave both of them soft gazes before looking at Namjoon who grinned at him, “I already knew you were gonna win but, congratulations.”
“Thanks Joon,” Hoseok pulled away from the 95-line duo and Jungkook found it his time to walk over to the older and give him a hug. “Hey hyung, congrats.”
Hoseok instantly responded to the hug, even slightly snuggling into the younger’s shoulder. “Thanks Jungie.”
They pulled away and Jungkook grinned, “You deserved it. It would be crazy if you didn’t win! Though I don’t think kissing Yugyeom was necessary.”
“Ah, you think so?” Hoseok had a teasing smile. Jungkook tapped the other’s mouth, “Stop being a tease, hyung. You know what I mean. And you know you’re the best."
“Of course he’s the best.”
Jungkook closed his eyes so the others wouldn't see them roll to the back of his head in annoyance. Naturally to keep up appearance, the maknae of the group moved away so Yoongi could greet Hoseok next.
The mint haired rapper leaned up and place a lingering kiss on Hoseok’s cheek before he pulled away. But Jungkook noticed how Yoongi whispered to Hoseok, how Hoseok stilled slightly. Yoongi grabbed his lover’s hand and faced everyone with a smile, a tight smile at that. “Well I’m going to take the champ home. It’s been a long day for him and I want him to get some rest.”
Hoseok looked like he was going to say something but closed his mouth instantly, giving an apologetic smile to the others. Jungkook knew it was because of the possessive squeeze to the wrist Yoongi gave him.
“We’ll see you guys later.” Yoongi spoke and Hoseok agreed after a pause. The other four watched the couple leave (really it was Yoongi dragging the reluctant Hoseok out the club). It was silent between the friends before Jimin spoke everyone’s thoughts, “Did anyone else feel that tension?”
While Taehyung and Namjoon nodded, Jungkook was busy trying to push the churning feeling away.
Jungkook blinked, pushing the memory away. He huffed and rolled over to his side, glancing every now and then at the picture frame on his dresser. The ravenhead stared at the picture a little longer before grabbing it. It was a picture of a smiling Jungkook when he was younger, first place trophy from a dance competition in hand and Hoseok next to him looking at him with proud eyes. It had been a special day for him. That was the day he realized his feelings for the older dancer.
He held it to his chest and averted his eyes to the sheets. He suddenly felt sick to his stomach as his thoughts went to Hoseok and Yoongi. Wondering what happened after Yoongi took Hoseok away after the competition. He squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered at the back of his throat.
Why did he do this to himself? Why did he suddenly think of Hoseok under Yoongi? Why did he think of Yoongi taking Hoseok in a way he never could, the most intimate way he craved? Why did he think of Hoseok just submitting like nothing? Why did he have to hurt himself?
Jungkook laid on his back again, picture on his chest held by one arm, and the other arm covering his eyes. Don’t Jungkook. Don’t do it. Stop shaking. No crying.
“It’ll be okay.” He whispers to himself, for himself.
“ We’ll be okay. ”
But it wasn’t, and it would never be. He just figured it out late.
---
“Jungkook-”
“I just don’t understand it!”
Hoseok stayed silent, watching the younger pace back and forth in the living room.
“Hyung I- I just don’t get it!” Jungkook looked at him in pleadingly. “Why won’t you leave him?! Don’t you see what he’s doing to you?!”
Hoseok bit his lip because honestly, Jungkook was right. His relationship with Yoongi was slowly tearing him apart. Sometimes Hoseok doesn’t even recognize himself in the mirror every morning, only seeing a shell of what used to be. But...
“Hyung you need to leave him! He doesn’t deserve you! And you- you deserve better!”
“Jungkook,” the older male looked at him with no energy, “You think I would just stay in this relationship if I had a choice?”
“YOU HAVE A CHOICE!” Jungkook fisted his hair in frustration. “Why can’t you see there are better people out there, literally just waiting for you to open your eyes!”
“Jungkook why don’t you get it?” Hoseok stood up and frowned at him, “It wasn’t my choice to fall for him. And no you’re wrong. There aren’t other people out there waiting-”
“Then what about me?!”
The room fell mute. Hoseok looked at him bewildered, and Jungkook just couldn’t take this, he didn’t even care he exposed the truth. He walked over to the other and grabbed his hands almost frantically, looking at him with anguish, “ What about me hyung? ”
“Ju-Jungkook-”
“Hoseok I love you. I’ve loved you for years, before Yoongi even knew you existed , and all I ever do is treat you right. Hyung… Yoongi can’t love you like me. He won’t and can’t treat you like I would… Why can’t you see that…?”
Hoseok’s eyes were glassy and completely broken, “J-Jungkook I- don’t know-”
“Hyung.”
The older fell silent as the two stared deeply into each other’s eyes. He made no move, not even flinching to hands cradling his face softly. “Hyung,” his breath caught in his throat when lips brushed against his, “let me show you what real love is.”
The slow burning that was once in their stomachs ignited into flames once Jungkook finally pulled Hoseok into a deep kiss. Jungkook was surprised when the older responded back but used this opportunity to its fullest. He pulled him closer by the waist and embraced him in his warmth and love.
When Jungkook ran a thumb against his hip, Hoseok’s eyes snapped open and pushed the younger away. The room silent, almost deafening, and the panic that arose wouldn't go away. He leaned against the wall staring at the floor. “Oh my god.”
“Hyung-”
“Jungkook I can't- I won't be like him.”
That made the younger frown deeply, “Hyung you're not like-”
“ I won't be a cheater .”
“Hyung this isn't about being a cheater. It's about being happy.”
Hoseok shook his head, “No it is about that. I can't cheat even if you make me happy, I won't-”
“I make you happy?”
The older seemed to freeze when he realized what he said, skin paling. He bit his lip and tried to think of something, anything, but it was too late. Jungkook closed the distance between them, trapping Hoseok to the wall. “Hyung…” Hoseok was visibly shaking at this point refusing to look at the younger. “Hoseok look at me.”
“Jungkook what do you want from me?” The older ravenhead asked tiredly, “What do you expect from me?” This, what was happening, was becoming too much for him to handle, and he was ready to break at any moment.
“I want you to be honest.” Jungkook moved down and Hoseok leaned against the wall, trying hard to make distance between them. Jungkook wasn't having it, his body following the older. “Tell me how you feel about me. Admit it to me hyung.”
“I- can’t.” Hoseok put a hand on the younger’s chest to keep some distance between them, but honestly his limbs were like putty, completely weak. Jungkook, the ever persistent, pushed against him. “Why? Tell me one reason why?”
“No…” Hoseok pushed more and Jungkook pushed back harder. “Tell me Hyung. Why won’t you admit it?”
“Because I don’t want to hurt you!” Hoseok finally cracked and words began to fall like the broken dam he is. “I love you- I love you Jungkook. But as much as I love you- I love him two times more. A-And...” He covered his crying face and his muffled cries killed a little piece of Jungkook’s being.
“Hyung...”
“I’m fucked up. I’m in a shitty relationship and love you, but won’t be with you because I can’t let go of him. I love him too much to leave. I always say I can’t take it anymore, that I’m going to finally leave . But I just can’t and I don’t want him to leave me. I'm a sick person, a masochist, a damn pushover , a piece of shit ,” The older male finally found strength to push the other away from him, though the younger didn’t put up a fight this time, “I’m not worth your love Kookie. I don’t deserve you-”
Hoseok was grabbed into a bruising kiss and out before he could register it. “ Shut up .”
The emotion in Jungkook’s eyes made the older shiver. They were filled with a fire, fire that screamed anger, frustration, determination- certainty. Something Hoseok hasn't had in awhile. “Hyung, don't ever say you're not worth it. You deserve the fucking world . I love you and to me, you're worth it. I can't stand how Yoongi doesn't treat you right. How he doesn't give you the world.”
Jungkook gently held Hoseok’s hands as he gazed at him with longing, “Hyung, I just want you to be happy again . I miss your smile- your real smile. I miss you giving me all of your attention. I miss when you didn't know Yoongi’s name. I miss you .”
The crying male frowned deeply, “Jungkook, I’m not that person anymore,” his eyes screamed despair, “I wish I was but, it’s not possible.”
“Yes it is,” the younger insisted. He gave his hands a squeeze and almost looked desperate, “You can be that person again. But you have to leave him, hyung. You’ll never find happiness if you stay with him.”
Hoseok slowly removed his hands from Jungkook’s. “I’m sorry Jungie. I’m so sorry , but I can’t do that.” He was shaking again, looking so guilty, and the younger didn't know what hurt more; seeing his hyung in turmoil or the pity and guilt directed towards him. “As much I want to choose you, I can’t.”
“ Hyung -”
But Hoseok shook his head with a raised hand. “ I-I’m sorry. ”
“ Hyung! ” Jungkook called out as Hoseok rushed out the apartment. He was left alone in his living room, in the piercing silence. But it wasn’t quiet. The phantom sounds of their conversation kept ringing in his ears.
I love you- I love you Jungkook.
Jungkook’s knees finally gave out on him, falling to the floor on his hands and knees. He watched as water droplets fell on the carpet, realizing it was his tears.
But as much as I love you- I love him two times more.
Jungkook finally let everything out. He leaned forward and let his forehead rest against the soft carpet as he cried.
Cried for his broken heart.
Cried for Hoseok.
Cried because of this twisted situation.
“ Why can’t you see hyung? ”
But it dawned on him that no matter what he said, it wasn’t relevant to Hoseok. Because Hoseok will always choose Yoongi over him. Even though their feelings are mutual, it’s not as strong as the feelings Hoseok feels for Yoongi. Not as strong as Yoongi feels for Hoseok.
Hoseok would rather stay lost in limbo then turn around and walk to heaven. Instead of a pure angel, he wanted to be with a demon in disguise. Jungkook could treat Hoseok like he was world, and it would never be enough. Because of the simple fact that Jungkook isn’t him . He’s not the asshole who enraptured Hoseok’s heart and blinded him.
Jungkook is not Yoongi.
That night, the night he wailed heartbroken into the carpet, he learned something important.
Love is cruel
.