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He was ten. Ciel returned home with the devil on his side, leaving his brother back in hell on earth, the place that would haunt his nightmares for the coming few years.
Ciel returned, Ciel. Leaving his weak and sick twin on the bloody table with the most horrified look on his face, the ring of their father still in his own stomach, Ciel returned to their house, now mostly unrecognizable.
The devil on his side, taking the shape of a butler as he visited his aunt, or Tanaka wasn't occupying most of his thoughts, the thoughts of a ten year old traumatized boy. He was still thinking about his little brother; he heard his scream in his ears still, and he saw his face when he closed his eyes. Ciel didn't think it could go worse, he wished he were dead instead of his twin brother.
But Ciel was the one alive, and his twin was the one dead.
His aunt saw him, weakened and traumatized, his eyes forcibly trying to stay open not to see his brother's face every time he closed his eyes. Tanaka saw him, still not in the best condition himself either.
They both hugged the boy, he seemed weak, fragile even. He looked much like the younger twin in this state but no, Ciel was alive and well, unlike his little brother he swore he would protect.
Ciel swore he would protect him, he cried for days when his parents told him that they couldn't be together their whole lives, they'd have to be separated once Ciel was married. Now they were seperated long before he was married. Because he was gone. Dead. It wasn't hard for him to die, a kid aged ten. A weak and sick-
Ciel never searched for their gazes, his aunt or Tanaka looked at him yet Ciel's gaze never went as far as to reach them. He had missed their looks, the looks in their eyes mixed with guilty relief. This was Ciel who came back, not the sick one.
Warm milk with honey, he'd bring it to his little brother. Now the scarily inept butler was bringing it to him, over an empty stomach. He felt the little twist in his gut at the familiar scent, every time he would close his eyes his mind played tricks with him and he saw everything again.
How he wished his brother could be here so he could act like the brave older brother and protect him when he would be the one who's scared the most. Ciel was the scaredy-cat one, the act he put on was never commented on by the weaker, nor was it ever talked about.
It was a secret to his grave, that Ciel is scared sometimes.
Elizabeth met him. He had lost weight and his face looked paler. Again, he looked like the other one, but it was Ciel who was alive.
Ciel never met Elizabeth's gaze, the girl whom he had the most fun playing in the field and running around with, playing house when she insisted him to-
Thereby, Ciel never saw the relief she projected into her bright green eyes unintentionally, it was Ciel who came back, her fiance. Not the other one.
Ciel thought everyone around him thought the same as him, that it should have been him who came back. Not Ciel.
No one thought that except him, legally it was so much easier for Ciel to take his father's previous title. It was the earned right. The older twin, the stronger one and the social. He just was the better heir, he'd make a better earl than his sick little twin would.
Though Ciel never thought that. He was the only one who knew how wise the younger was. How he was getting beaten in chess every time they played, by the said younger one. Ciel knew he was capable of it. Perhaps much more than he would be, yet it was impossible now.
Ciel decided it wasn't fair, as he started to look up at people's faces and their eyes, seeing the smiles and happiness. The -almost- guilty relief they carried upon their stupid adult faces. It was normalized, a topic that is never discussed, his parents were talked about yet never his brother. Had people really forgotten the little boy who'd bring a smile to Ciel's face every time he talked to him?
Oh, but of course. People didn't know him like Ciel did. They never let him out of the room, never letting him to the tea parties, the evening events like Ciel would occasionally attend. People didn't know him. And thus, they chose not to remember him in a way only Ciel would.
People grew more and more comfortable with the fact that it's Ciel. Tanaka even said once, that it's easier this way. Ciel wanted to die after that.
Everyone seemed to be easily accepting the fact, while Ciel cried himself to sleep every other night. He worked himself to his edge, as much as his little child's body allowed him. As much as he could distance himself from the butler that reminded himself of the death of him.
People hadn't changed, Ciel just grew to see their flaws as time went on, he looked at their faces and realized that it's human nature to be cruel to the weak.
Ciel didn't allow himself to look weak, even when he felt like he was. He had people on his neck that was ready to kill him once he let go and more importantly, a devil in his pocket who wouldn't hesitate a moment to eat his soul if he let himself go.
It wasn't familial. It was never familiar when it came to the Phantomhive household. Even with all their care and love, Ciel would never feel the same familial love he once received from the younger twin. No one would complete him anymore; he was half. And as half as he was, people were quite convinced that he was more than the whole.
They were convinced Ciel carried it all within his child's body with a strong will, a stronger one than he would. It wasn't true. If it was his younger twin who came back, everything would be in order with his incomparably strong wit. He would handle the Queen's work. He would get the manor in shape with new servants and more importantly, perhaps he would open the toy shop he had always dreamt of.
Ciel managed so little compared to what his twin would.
Ciel changed over time. Not much time, not more than a few years of his working.
He wasn't the socially accepted and loved Ciel anymore. The reason people around him once loved him and thought he'd get to many places in life slowly disappeared, they just watched him in silence, being used by him as his pawns.
Ciel knew he always lost at chess against him.
Trying to manage all the Queen's dirty work and the Earl's things. He tried opening a toy shop in his brother's name, it didn't work. Elizabeth wasn't happy with the change, Ciel felt upset by the fact that his fiance didn't see him as a reason for joy anymore. Instead he was a beaming light of lost hope. He lost hope in the fact that he could be helpful to kids, to people in general.
Ciel just wanted revenge. His dirty, gruesome, obsessive revenge.
His motivation to take revenge on those who did all these to his family, especially his twin, his dear other half: It overflowed.
Ciel wanted revenge from the people around him too. People who failed to remember how much of a genius his younger twin was. People who never paid mind to visit his empty grave, rather than his parents.
Ciel hated them all, he hated everyone around him who knowingly forgot about the weaker brother. They ignored his death, as if it was expected. Ciel wondered once again like he always did, what would happen if his brother lived. Would he be able to live a life of his own?
Ciel hated them all: his family, his servants -especially Sebastian- and more than anyone, he hated himself the most.
It should have been his brother who lived. It should have been the weak, fragile and secretly kind soul his brother had, with people socially failing to free him out of his misery. It should have been him who was loved more. But he wasn't. He was dead and people never even took his name upon their lips.
No one bothered to remember him as long as Ciel was there. The better one of the twins. Ciel hated them because they never bothered to remember the kind presence of the little weak kid.
He hated himself more for not being able to give him the life he deserved.
If it had been
him
who was alive,
he'd
do his best to keep the memory of Ciel alive. Unlike Ciel, who wasn't able to. And who wasn't capable of doing it. As Ciel was the worse twin out of the two.